How to Overcome Fear

N.,

I have no answers for you but I wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. You are a stronger woman than I am. You are getting out of bed in the morning, and that is more then what I would be able to do.

J.

In addition to prayer, please be sure you get yourself a good lawyer who will help you protect yourself and your kids. You should not have to get a job just because he doesn't want to pay child support. You may have to get one anyway to supplement the child support, but maybe it can be something part time and/or from home. Don't let the fear keep you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself from your husband, who sounds dangerous at this point.

He is using fear to control you and the situation. Get a good lawyer, to start. A lot will depend on the state that you live in, but the fact that you have been a stay at home mom, AND provided their education will be taken into account by the courts, not to mention the care of your mother. Depending on your state, he may have no choice in the matter of forcing you to get a job...he may have to continue supporting his kids, and you, as he did before he decided to tear apart your family. Also, is he having an affair....this could also play a big part in the divorce proceedings.

Probably a lot will depend on how old your kids are. Before you make any decisions, please talk to a lawyer...you have a right to one, even if he doesn't like it...and make your decisions from there. Just so you know, your having a job, doesn't mean that he pays less for his kids, unless, again, you live in a state where your work status dictates how much he pays for YOU. DON'T DO ANYTHING until you get a lawyer......HALF of the marriage assests....house, bank accounts....are YOURS....so don't let him try to change that on you. Notify the banks, DO NOT let him empty the accounts. Get a handle on this now. It's easy to get bogged down in grief, try your best to put that off until you and your kids are taken care of. BEST OF LUCK!!!

This just happened to me, and my ex was pressuring me to get a job and I had a two month old baby. My fist advice is DO NOT get a job. If you have been a stay at home mom all of these years then he will not only have to pay child support but he will also have to pay spousal support. If you get a job you'll lose out on the spousal support. Also, get a good lawyer so he or she can get you those things. I ended up only needing to consult with the lawyer and my ex agreed to everything. You get to maintain your standard of living and he has to pay for you to be able to get back on your feet for up to the length of your marriage.
You can do it. It gets easier with time.

Hi N.,
I desperately hope you have a good lawyer and know your rights and are not allowing your husband to dictate how things will be. This is not up to him but to the law that has protections for you and the kids also. I have a friend that waited too long because she emotionally wouldn't allow herself to act, her husband took all their savings and spent it, if she had acted she could have frozen their accounts until the courts decided how things would be dispersed, instead she froze for a long time and ended up with his debt instead. Be strong, have a lawyer and know your rights and don't let him destroy your finances by not being you and your childrens advocate. Men cannot take your children, it is a threat to make you do what he wants. Joint custody varies depending on the state, find out what yours are, get his accounts frozen and be strong, don't allow him to continue to make you and the kids the victim.

Things may be difficult for a while but have confidence, a stay at home mom that homeschools can do anything! You are smart, talented and capable of anything you set your mind to. Your fear will be taken over by your confidence, your trust in God will allow you to trust others again.

Good luck, be strong,
S.

Hi N.,
I don't know where you are located at, but if you are in Billings and don't have a church, may I recommend Faith Chapel. They have a class called DivorceCare... It is for just that that your requesting advice for. Look for that class whereever you are. I would suggest now would be the time to get closer to God. Prayer will sustain you and can work miracles.S.

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I don't have much practical advice, but I did want to say that usually if someone gets 'mean' and critical when leaving a marriage, it's because they feel guilty and are trying to justify their actions. It really has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you! You sound like an amazing and strong woman! My prayers are with you.

N.,

Bless your heart.I am so sorry.

Well, first of all, Hang on to your belief in God. But I am sure you know that. 2. Get a really, really good lawyer. Not that I support divorce, but you have to take care of you and your kids first. 3. Find a good counselor at your church. Or a Christian counselor. If you are in the Greeley area at all I know a man who is truly anointed. Has helped me with some serious depression. As for your "fear", honey, no one can cure normal. It is scary, I cant even imagine. But, you have to do what is right and being bullied is not right. You dont have to be vindictive or malicious, but stand up in your faith and take care of those kids!! And as far as I can discern, you do not have to relearn life all over again! You had it right from the start. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug. So, find a good girlfriend and get one! Okay!!?

Overcome by still believing in and trusting in God. You believe He is the ruler of all things, correct? He can rule over this fear. Being a stay at home mom and caregiver for your disabled mom is the best and most rewarding job that you could ever have. True it doesn't "pay" but in the end, it is the most satisfying. I know about that personally. It is his loss, not yours. Give the horrible things that he said to you to God. As far as a job is concerned, ask God if that is what He wants for you to do. If you go get a job out of fear, you will regret that decision for the rest of your life. Give your life totally to God for real and your "relearning life all over again" will be awesome. I will be a journey and it won't be easy but yet so much easier for you if you have faith that you are an overcomer. You will come to thank the one who left you because you will be so much stronger leaning on your husband in God.

Hi N.

Well Im sorry to say that fear is a disabling tactic that a lot of people use to get what they want. You are a God fearing woman and therefore God should be all you fear. You pray for God to take care of you in your circumstances and TRUST that he will. First of all he wants you to get a job because of money again. If you have been a stay at home mom for any length of time and the fact you were married for over 20 years not only will he have to pay child support but alimony and of course he doesn't want to do that. I hate to say it but he has obviously found someone else and together they are working against you. Dont let the Enemy win! It is not your problem he feel out of love and left, it is also not your problem HE wants you to get a job. Take a deep breath, starting writing down things and YOU decide what will be best for your family and what YOU have to do. Dont let the man who left dictate anything else for you and your family. As for taking the kids away he has no grounds and no court would do that but you will probably need to have a lawyer just in case. My take is he doesn't want them anyway. He is going through a mid life crisis and wants to do whatever he wants and you and the kids will slow him down however he knows he can control you with threats to take what is the most important to you so you will give him what he wants. He left, broke up your home he doesn't deserve more then that and he obviously thinks that since he is done with the marriage he should be able to be done with all that comes with it but that isn't how it works and he is probably thinking he could have gotten out of you, the kids and the support and is realizing he cant so he is angry and saying things to control you. My first steps would be to get on my knees in prayer and seek answers from the ONE who has them. Turn to your church and other family from support and see if you can find a low cost attorney through your church to help you dot the I's and cross your T's. I will be praying for you and hang in there. You will be blessed for all your sacrifices you make for your family including your mother you just might not see it right away. Dont forget God never leaves us but puts things like this in our life to draw us close to him.

I am so sorry N., truly am very sorry. I understand your hurt and your pain AND YOUR FEAR. I am 44 and have two younger kids and divorced as well!!! HUGS BIG HUGS and God is watching over you through all of this!

His actions are to make him feel inside himself better about his crappy decisions. He needs to take it out on you or blame you because it makes what he did justified.
Someone doens't wake up one morning and choose to leave a family, he has some issues that have nothing to do with you!

You will not be able to stay home. I am learning that now bigger then ever. It sucks as my point is that I chose this as my "career" to be here for my kids, however the law/courts dictate next year I have to get a job. The only reason I didn't have to first off was my ex left when my son was 11 months old. Technically if his salary covers enough you do not have to go back to work until your youngest is 36 mos old.
For older kids it sucks! It isn't fair!!! Nobody acknowledges SAHM as a real job that warrants consideration into the mix. My ex makes great money, but whines he has to pay me x amount of dollars when I am doing not only my job 24/7 but his as well!! !!! Daycare is so outrageous I couldn't afford to go back to work until next year!

The courts won't take your children away, unless he proves you unfit, which sounds like he is just manipulating you in that sense. Don't allow him to even go there with you.

They will look at your earning potential, they will look at his salary, expenses and so on and figure out a time line for you to have to return to work to contribute to the family now divided.

You will get marital support (if you are here in colorado) for the amount of half the time you have been married, so say 20 years you should file for for 10 years marital support IN ADDITION to child support per child until they are 18!! Get a good attorney, don't be afraid to fight for what you deserve.

I have to go back to work next year when my marital support ends. My ex moved 1,000 miles away and it sucks! I don't have choices in how I raise my children as far as being present in their daily lives after that. I don't get to volunteer in class, go on field trips, pick them up. To have a parents rights on what they want to raise their kids in just pisses me off! I mean Drs don't have to stop being Drs when they get divorced. Because I have chosen to be a SAHM I am punished and lose my choices.

You will have the time on your side that you were married.
You will have to get a job at some point and no longer be able to home school. You will be fine, your kids need to see you are happy and it will be better. Empower yourself with the thought you get a second chance to be yourself and rediscover who you want to be. Allow yourself anger, sadness but don't let it consume you. Get an atty, get things figured out and it is a step by step healing process.

Do not bad mouth your ex, just stand tough for your kids. They deserve to see you happy so you need to find out what that now is.

If you are a fulltime caregiver to your mom, do you recieve any compensation for that from her Medicare or estate? If so you can call that a job! First go talk to an attorney so you know where you stand and where you are headed.
HUGS and please if you ever want to vent, cry or ask questions I have been through this nightmare.

Don't let him win by pushing your buttons or upsetting you. He has no control any longer and he cannot take your children away, the courts will decide if and when you have to go back to work, not him!!!!!!

My church has a divorce care program, as well as a 12-step program. Both help you work on yourself and learn to deal with the issues of others. If you want more info, let me know and I can send it to you.

I feel for you. Who is he haveing the affair with? It sounds like he can't stand himself because you are truely doing what is right in Gods eyes and he must be doing something otherwise he would not need to say these things to justisfy his actions.

You were being a good faithful wife, mother and dutiful daughter. Remine faithful to God and hold fast to your faith. It is the only thing that will get you through. Prayer! Prayer! Prayer! It is the only good and right answer to this mess.
Blessing
C. B

N.,
Oh my heart breaks for you! What an awful thing for someone to go through. I'm so sorry I have no advice to give you. I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers.
V.

N., oh how my heart aches for you. I was with my first husband for 7 years and received the same bombshell. He said the same stuff to me, but in reality he was cheating on me. I can honestly say from my own experience, prayer is your best comfort right now. Ask for His help, He will give it to you. Ask Him to guide you with your decisions regarding employment and homeschooling... all of it. I have no doubt He knows you personally, loves you, and wants to help you. I did not have children with my first husband, but my second has children with his ex. Anyway, the likelihood of it really helping him that much to decrease his obligation to you is minimal. It certainly didn't make much difference with my husband's obligation. It gave her more control of her own finances though, and I'm sure it blessed her to have her own income for that reason alone. And he'd have to lie pretty darn convincingly to get custody. The judges still favor mothers being the custodial parent, with good reason. Don't worry about trusting again right now. Just get through the now, and immediate future, taking each step at a time. Later, you will look back and know you've moved on. Take care, and pray.

I agree with all of the ladies that say don't go back to work. Be the victim for awhile and get a good lawyer. You have rights, a right to continue your life in the manner you are accustom. Your kids have that same right. The law is on your side. Just because he decided to leave doesn't mean he's right and just because he said those horrible things doesn't mean they are true. Get a restraining order if he is threatening you and the children and then take him for everything he's got. One thing I learned the hard way is that the nice ex-wife finishes last.

You sound like a strong person already - full time mom, homeschooling and caregiver for your mom - lots of people can't do all that! You can use that strength to combat the fear and it is exactly that strength that will continue to take you on down the road of your life. If you want a job, or want the opportunity to have a a job try a temp agency. You don't have to commit to working to sign up and then whenever you want to work you just let them know you're available. Depending on the kind of work you want you might have to take some one-time computer tests for instance. I Googled temp agancies in Ft Collins and of those I found, I have worked for SOS, Manpower, Office Team and Kelly Services (I have temped a lot over the years) I had a good experience with all of them. Going in is not like a regular job interview and you don't need a resume - they already want you to work there and seek to find the right sort of job for you (after all, they make money once you go to work). If you decide to take this route (or any job route) I would be happy to help you (I have worked in HR & done resume writing). And remember: your ex is being a bully - think about what you tell your kids about handling bullies and try to apply it to yourself. YOU CAN DO IT. I know you kids think you can so you can think it too. Have the wonderful holidays you deserve,
J.

N.,

You are stronger than you know. Your kids are stronger too. My kids went back to public school this year. They are OK. We talk a lot about everything that comes up, the influences that they aren't used to etc. As far as a job goes, you could do just about anything. Does your community have a YWCA? It helps women get back on their feet and will even sometimes help you learn a new skill. If you attend a church, sometimes there will be job resources there also. And who knows you may be able to find a great part time position...for now. As far as trusting and moving on, it's not easy. It can be done with little bitterness, pray, pray for your enemies. You can't change anyone around you, but you can control how you act and react. Pour yourself into your new life. Embrace it, it's your new grand adventure. I wish you all the best.

You have great advice so far. I just want to encourage you. You can make it through this time. As far as the fear goes, my suggestion is to turn to scripture. Spend some time in God's Word. When you find a verse that speaks to your heart, write it on an index card and hang it where you can see it. Do you think there won't be enough money for food? God will provide for you.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27

Stick that one on your fridge. Look for others that speak to the needs of your heart.

Are you lonely?
"Sing to God, sing praise to his name,
extol Him who rides on the clouds
His name is the LORD
and rejoice before Him
A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows,
is God in His holy dwelling
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
Psalm 68:4-6

The Word is full of God's love and provision for you. Spend time with the Lord who loves you. Go to church. Find true fellowship with other believers. What a great opportunity you have to learn to depend on God for the things that you used to depend on your husband for. God desires your desperate dependency. Don't lose heart.

In His lap,
T.

Read Romans 13 for strength as you seek an attorney and go through your divorce. No matter what, the LORD is always good and He is always in control.

Believe in yourself and trust God ;)

Hi N.

my own parents divorced when I was six, and I still don't quite understand how one party in a marriage can come to a conclusion one day that the life built together is not what they want. I can only imagine how hard it is, to cope with divorce and all this thrown in your lap at once. hang in there... you are stronger than you know! plus smart, you teach and care for your children, don't discount that. you mention your faith, it will serve you well during this time. don't forget to pray and breathe!

how old are your kids? is one old enough to watch the smaller one(s) for part of the day? Have you considered seeing a career counselor at a local junior college and possibly going back to school to retrain? there are many career options out there that would still give you flexibility and time with your kids. Also, when my sister went back to work, she did temp work for a while.. it was a good chance for her to brush up on her skills without making a big committment to an employer. good luck!

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. They will walk you through how to freeze assets until a judge divides things. They will help you know how to document everything your spouse is saying to you and doing so that it is admissible to the judge. They will help you be safe. You have a right to feel safe. You can arrange a neutral place for him to pick up and drop off kids so that you never have to see or talk to him. I don't know the legal jargon for this stuff but a lawyer will. I would not take calls from him but let the voicemail/answering machine record things he is saying and SAVE them. This will help you in court. He isn't going to get your kids unless he can prove you have not been the home providor. You stayed at home and did home school? He doesn't have a chance in hell. God will see you through this time but you have to be proactive. You are not a weak woman. You may feel weak right now but you are not, you have the divinity of being God's daughter behind you, you also have years of being a stay at home mother and a teacher in your home school behind you. It might be hard to feel strong right now but you need to pull on that strength and you can do it. If you enjoy reading I recommend getting Rhonda Brittan's book Fearless Living. It along with her other books has helped me to know that no matter what life circumstances I am going through I am a strong healthy vibrant woman and I can be that woman in ANY circumstance.
Don't get the job yet, I concur with that. Get a lawyer first. Keep us posted. You do have an army of mom's here to help you out. There is strenght in the numbers of these women and the frienships built here.

Regarding your situation in practical terms:

I know an attorney that's done a very good job for several different women friends. He's in Wheat Ridge, but since filing of documents is all done electronically, it shouldn't make much difference. His rates are pretty reasonable, all things considered. One friend lived in Silverthorne. Another woman was divorcing from a county sheriff who was abusive, but had never been caught at it. Both women had children and both were pleased with the outcome.

And I have to agree with some of the responses -- do NOT change your work/living situation until you hire an attorney.

Regarding your situation on an emotional/spiritual level:

Please do NOT allow anyone, including your husband, intimiidate you into making changes that you are not comfortable with - whether it's working or your faith.

I know this is hard to get right now, but his feelings about you are not really about you at all, they are all about him. There is nothing "wrong" with you.

You are never alone.

If you want the contact information for the attorney, please let me know.

A.

I want to say first, Hang in there! Dont give up. Your soon to be ex is wrong here. He should not have torn you down like that. Next, get a good lawyer. I know the laws are different from state to state but dont roll over and give into his demands. Leave it up to the judge to decide who is the best costodial parent. Your ex cant decide that for you unless you let him. Dont get a job, continue to homeschool your kids. Most juristictions enforce the status quo of the relationship...ie if you were a stay at home mom before the break up, they will not force you to go back to work. That is your decision. As to finding a job, start small, with something you like. But above all, do what is best for your children.

If you haven't already, find a good divorce attorney. You need somebody who can make sure that you get full custody of your kids and sufficient alimony and child support. You deserve to feel safe from him

It sounds like your husband is hurting. The fact that he told you all the reasons he hates you reflects much more on him than on you. I know it sounds odd, but one of the best ways to fear less and be able to trust a bit more is to forgive him. You mentioned that you believe in God; remember what the scriptures teach about forgiveness. Also, talk to your clergyman and see if there is counceling available through your church. It can help to have someone trained to help you talk through your hurt and fear.

Hi,
I wish I could have you talk to my cousin. She went through the same thing only her husband was a Muslim from Jordan. Anyway, don't go back to work until after your hearings. Get a really good lawyer or at least try to find one you can talk to. In her case because she was a stay at home mom he has to pay child support and spousal support because she didn't work during the marriage. He cannot force you to put your kids into public school if you Home School. My cousin home schooled her daughter and her x-husband tried to pull that one off and the Judge said absolutely not. It will be hard, but if you can manage that is what I would do. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

N., I'm soooo sorry. What a horrible thing to have to shoulder through. You ARE NOT ALONE. God is with you in every step you take. Do you have a church home? Some trusted friends that can help shoulder the physical and emotional burdens that you are now carrying?
I homeschool too, and have only "heard" (from books) that you actually CAN be a single parent and homeschool too. Actually, one of my very good friends homeschools her daughter and works from home. I'm not sure what she does, and she lives with her mother too (but on different levels of the house).

Most of all, I'll be praying for you (and for your husband and children). What a "worst fear" scenario. :( Hang in there!

N.,

Boy do I understand what you are going through. Like everyone has said on here already Pray. The Lord can help you get through anything. He can help you overcome your fears and move on. He can help you trust again and He can even help you find a job. And have Faith that you will be able to do all those things. Just because your husband left doesn't mean God has left you. I don't know if you are familiar with the poem "Footprints in the sand"

Footprints in the Sand - Poem

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

-Mary Stevenson)

Anyways, this poem helped me during one of the lowest points in my life, when my marriage nearly ended for very similar reasons. My world fell apart. And even though we were able to work things out, I had to relearn life all over, because then I knew that it could happen again. I came to realize the only thing constant in my life was my Father in Heaven and His love for me. And as long as I kept Him in my life, nothing would be too hard to overcome. And while it may seem difficult for you to believe at times, He loves you too. He is very aware of you and what you are going through. And I know that He is saddened at your husbands choices and how it affects you and your children. He will carry you through this N., until your able to stand on your own feet again. He will be there to help you learn to be steady again. The answer to all your questions is Him. I know this is true. Don't lose faith. Stay strong.
I will be praying for you. And there is obviously a whole community of women here that will stand behind you cheering you on.

May you find peace in your trials,

A.

Hi N.,

Just recently a memeber of mamasource. I found domestic violence counseling helpful for me and my child. Realizing it was not me but him was helpful and empowering for me to start healing...allowing me to move forward with my goals not his nor being verbally, emotionally, spiritually bashed around by him.

Here's the name of a book that enlightened me tremendously....Why does he do that?...inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. There are resources the author provides.

I am just recently divorced but survived 9 1/2 yrs married to an abusive man. My ex use to threaten to take the child, demean my values, job, how I did things...all to try to down my values and fear me into not moving forward with me. My counselor has helped me realize my value. I know get focus on me and rediscover me and respect my values and boundaries 1st and foremost...and that healing is wonderful for me.

Good luck,

T.

I want to first say how sorry I am for you and how strong you are for sharing your story. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you and your kiddos. I would love to help you with the job thing, I am a distributor for Homemade Gourmet and I work from home when and how much I want... I also make money. I dont know that it would be enough to make a mortgage payment but it would help you feel more independent and give you an outlet. It would also allow you to set your own schedule and still be able to homeschool you kids, you work when you want and you make as much money as you want
Good luck and God Bless

Call me if you are interested
A. Hood
Senior Distributor-Homemade Gourmet
____@____.com
www.homemadegourmet.com/AllisonHood
###-###-####

N.,

I'm so so sorry to hear your situation and my heart goes out to you!!! First and foremost, get a good, tough lawyer and know your rights. Freeze your joint assets, and if he is threatening you, get a restraining order if need be. Do not get a job until you have consulted a lawyer and do not allow him to bully you into anything! You are strong and will be able to come through this. Remember, this is not only to protect you, but your children. God bless!!!

N.,

Make up your mind that you are better off without him.
It is truly sad that he thinks your believing in God is a problem. It is not.
The Courts will be on your side as far as him taking the kids away from you.
If you have been a SAHM there is nothing wrong with that and good for you. Also if you are home schooling your children that is another plus.
He has no leg to stand on.
But I would go to the Police Station and get a restraining order against him and his threats. He can not do that.
You are not a horrible person, you have schooled your children and made a home for the ungreatful jerk, so as far as I am concerned you are Aces Up.
I raised three boys while working 2 jobs most of the time and didn't have quality time with my kids.
So I admire you that you are smart to home school and be a stay at home Mom.
Good luck dear.
M.