How to Repair Damage Between Parent & Teacher

I know how you feel, please believe me. I would get a dialectic together and talk to the teacher and then to someone higher up that the principal. See about private school or an alternative. Teacher really should go back to school themselves and be obligated to take child psychology every couple of years. Maybe if other parents know whats going on they could make that happen. Nothing was done about a teacher my son had, she works overseas and making a lot of money teaching. I'm in the states now and have no Idea if there's anything that can be done. Good luck and if you need a petition signed (I'm in North Carolina) and I can help let me know.

Corina,
Your situation is very similar to mine. I won't get into long detail, but I had issues with my son's teacher. Infact, I have had times that I felt I ruined my name at the school. I get my emotions out by blogging and have written about the kids' school and the issues I've had, so you can go read when you have time. Basically you have to keep open communication with the teacher, talk to other parents, BUT make sure you are in the right state of mind at all times! If you are PMSing, don't write, don't call! Wait til you feel more level headed then form your thoughts into whatever outlet you choose. Email, telephone, etc....
Just know that you want the best for your kids and you are there to protect them! Teachers may get upset, but as long as you stay tactful, they will understand you just want the best for your babies! My blog is www.tangledeutopia.blogspot.com

B.

Hi, Corina,

You have no reason to feel awkward. You were right in going to the principal as my experience has been that teachers will cover their butts and assure you that not only did it not happen but that it never would, and their boss would never know of it as they should.

The teacher may very well exhibit an attitude towards you now (just as the other teachers will because the teacher you complained to will have told the others)but, you know what? SO WHAT! These are not people you are going to have over for dinner and they can dislike you all they want but they will now recognize you as a mom that will not tolerate such mis treatment of their child.
I have had numerous battles with teachers over the years because of just such issues, and i could care less. I was not put on this earth to make friends with my kids teachers. I was put here to be a decent person and to raise decent people.
The teacher may be mad, but she brought it upon herself.
Teachers tend to forget that kids are people too and as such deserve respect. They also tend to forget that if it were not for that child, they would not have a job!
It is much better imho, that in complaining about the teacher, you taught your child that behavior like that is unacceptable at any age and that even though she/he is a child, they are worthy of respect, understanding and kindness.
KUDO'S to you mom. Stay strong for your kids and NEVER let someone treat them as though they are unworthy!

Hi Corina,
We as humans are going to make mistakes. I would suggest ask for forgiveness and seek the wisdom from the Lord. He promises that if anyone asks for wisdom He would freely give it. I would pray for the words you need to speak to this teacher. I have found in situations like this, a repentive heart and honesty are well taken. Tell her you had never had to handle a situation like this before and you obviously should have handled it differently. All you can do is your part, you can only pray that the teacher receives your apology and move forward.
May God richly bless you Corina. We all want the very best for our children. God knows your heart.
W.

There really should not be any damage to repair at this point. If sending an email to the Principal and requesting a track switch is all that has taken place, then there truly is no damage done. I understand how this would make you feel awkward. I can assure you though that you are most likely not the first parent to complain directly to a principal. Our children deserve to be cared for by their parents. I would continue to push the track switch. Until that takes place, you really need to just make the best of it. Set an example for your children in how to handle these situations. Be polite and mannerly when you're with this teacher. Try to work with her and not against. Don't back down though from your original stance. Keep in mind that in the future should you experience much of this same concern, it may not always be the fault of the teacher. Sometimes Parents simply have different ideas on how the child should be treated. Sometimes the parent and teacher simply don't click. Realize that there will be times that you may just have to shake it off and continue.

I know the feeling. I had a simialar problem with my youngest daughter's teacher as well. But I went to her and pologized to her and we were good friends after that. It's best to confront the person first then go to whoever is over the person if no results with the problem. I hope this helps. Have a great day, take care and God Bless ya.

So sorry you have this stress in your life. I can see her point about how she would want to have the issue addressed with her first, rather than her boss. But I get the impression you addressed it with the principal first because you felt it was a larger problem than just the one teacher. It sounds as if the principal has addressed the issue with at least one teacher, and possibly all three. So, that is progress.

Both of you are in a bit of an uncomfortable position now. The main thing to keep in mind is that you did what you did to protect the interests of your child while she is in the care of the school system. It led to an uncomfortable event, but in the future, I imagine you would do what you felt was necessary in other situations to protect the interests of your child. If your attitude is one of protecting your child then hopefully the teacher will understand that.

If you do feel the need to reply to the teacher, you could acknowledge that her job must be stressful and no doubt she has things going on in her personal life that can be distracting as well. But then after that state your position as parent of a child in her/the school's care and that you feel you have to do what is necessary to protect her interests while there. You could end with a positive note about how you hope the remainder of the school year can be a good one for all involved because you want a child who is happy to attend there and learn and be excited and have good things to report to you at the end of the day.

I hope you are able to repair what you feel is a damaged relationship here and move forward.

Corina,

I agree with Barbara and I am sorry to say do not agree with Skye. There are so many times that a situation is not brought to the principals attention and things go on as they have been and not reported. This way the teacher knows you mean business. Keep your back straight and defend your child. There is no one else that will and that includes the teacher.

Don't worry about offending the teacher, she is there to do a job and she does get paid for it. Evidentally she is in the wrong profession if she can't be kind to a child who needs to be taught.

I wish you luck and keep up your reserve. There is no one else who will defend your child like you will.

E.

Hi Corina,
I know how hard it is as a mom to see other adults interact with your kids in.. well... not your way. We've all been there at one time or another. You have a couple of choices here that will impact your kids' ability to deal with all kinds of folks in their lives. The first is this: you can express your disapproval of the adults they have to connect with on some level (all day or just sometimes). This will cause them to feel like victims, be less inclined to cooperate, will help them come to the worst conclusions regarding motive, and will also encourage them to backbite people who aren't present to defend themselves, etc. A child without confidence in, or some level of respect for, their teachers will then find it very difficult to function and learn in that relationship. The teachers may or may not all be mean, impatient and rude. This has nothing to do with the reality of a teacher's disposition or style of teaching. Ask any adult if they have been able insulate themselves from insensitive people for very long out in the real world. As moms, it's easy to make the mistake of associating discomfort and conflict with "something to avoid". We want to nurture and protect our children, after all. As an older mom of grown kids, I can tell you from my own mistakes that this is not wise all the time. Think about it "looking down the road a piece". Your children will have opportunities to learn how to deal with every kind of people as they grow up under your supervision. They will take their cue from you and your husband. The second option is: you can show your kids how to function when (not if, I'm afraid) they have teachers or others in authority that they might not agree with or "like". You can teach them that they have value no matter how they're treated by others; that they can still obey regardless of the attitude of their leaders; that some people seem impatient but there's *always* more going on that a kid or most people can recognize, and to try and give folks the benifit of the doubt; that their cooperation and extra bit of kindness can be a big blessing to a teacher; that if there's a true conflict situation, that it's best to go to someone in private and in person first (this shows respect), in a humble attitude to try to gain and give insight into the situation and come up with a workable solution (all positive, proactive actions). You can model conflict resolution, which is going to be a lifelong and valuable tool for your kids. You can show sympathy when your kid's feelings have been hurt, you can share stories of similar things in your own life, you can share how often you have come off as mean or impatient, but on the inside you were in conflict, weary, or in pain. But I wouldn't recommend you feed or approve an 'us and them' attitude, or you will reap this for years to come. Do you really want to watch your children grow up and often seem to be the victims when there is conflict, or wilt into inaction when they are under an authority they don't mesh with? Do you want them to see you as an oasis for complaining and backbiting, or a woman who helps them to be strong and victorious in their relationships? You can choose at this point.

are you sure you wernt just over reacting??? as a educator my self i have to say we can come off mean. controlling 30 kids is not easy! if you were right and she was being mean then just talk to her dont go around her back... good luck

.

I understand how uncomfortable this is for you. I see why you went to the principal first, however, being a teacher of 8 yrs I always wanted the parents to come to me first...even if was to tell me that they were going to the principal. Now, I am not saying what those teachers are doing is right, but when you go to the teacher first you can get her side and then you really can put the puzzle pieces together before going to the principal. Over the 8 yrs teaching I have had maybe 3 parents that were not happy with me enough to take it to the principal. Nothing I did made them happy. They went to the principal first and that is how I heard about it. It would have been nice to know that they had an issue with me before being called into the principal's office.

Hopefully things will get resolved and your next child will not get these teachers if that is your wish. Don't think you have created a mess...the problem has been discussed and the teachers are aware of how you feel and hopefully that will help. Don't avoid them when you see them. Smile, say "hi". It will help relieve any tension there...which is good for your little girl. Kids can sense feelings and tention. Try to make the most of it until either the end of the school year or your daughter gets moved. Hugs to you...you did do the right thing by bringing it to someone's attention...never doubt that. :-)

Fortunately, I have not had a lot of run ins with my children's teachers. However, I did have a run in with one of my college professors. It was extremely stressful! We disagreed about something and I tried to talk to her about it - but she refused to listen to me and so I went to the department chair. The chair informed her that I had been to see him about the matter and things only got worse from there. When she found out that I had been to the department chair she called me into her office late one night. I tried to apologize, but she just refused to accept my apology or work our differences out. If you end up having a conference with this teacher or teacher(s) I would make sure to take your husband along.

She pretty much threatened me if I ever went over her head again. It was to late to drop the class. I didn't do very well in that class. I wasn't the only student who had problems with her. One of my other classmates was older and had been a well established businessman in the small town that I went to college in and he was a returning student. She tried to cross him as well and - let's just say that she hadn't been in that community for very long and he made sure everybody in town new about her after their conflict. I think she might have had a little to much to chew on when she went after him. He was great - I think I learned more from him than I did from her. Hang in there. Some of the other responses have a lot of great ideas.

I would schedule a parent teacher confrence with the teacher for the reason being said, to keep up to date on your daughters proggress in the class room. I would then just be very nice and make it a point to always smile and be polite to her also if your daughter is doing well let her no that you appriciate what a good job she is doing if in fact she is. As faar as not hearing back about your request, make an appointment with the principle and always take someone with you. You are permitted to take a witness with you, in my past experience they are much nicer when you have someone with you. You can be very nice and sturn at the same time. Just don't forget your childrens education is in your power not the school systems. Believe me I have had my share or trouble with the school system. But as I said our childrens education is our responsibility and we as parents have that power, they like to make you feel that they have more power over our children than we do. You need to do some reseach on the Cabell County Schools web site. I hope I was of some help to you.
A.

I think it was wrong to go above the teacher's head and not address the issue with her directly. She didnt have a chance to explain herself or make any changes.

In the future, send the emails to the teacher, and if you feel the need to involve the principal, copy her in on the email.

To correct the tense relations, you need to apologize to the teacher for not giving her a chance to explain herself, and then initiate a dialogue about your concerns.

Im not sure how they talk to the kids, but it seems off that a total of four teachers are exhibiting the same behavior... it may be possible that you are being overly sensitive about it. If you aren't and the teachers truely are being mean (as opposed to strict) and the teacher's behavior doesnt change, then go to the principal again.

I just hate to hear stories like this. Unfortunately these days you hear more and more and not enough of the good ones!

As a teacher, I think you should have tried to talk to the teacher(s) first despite how unaproachable I am sure they are. But that is obviously hind site now. At this point, I would go ahead and respond and say something like:

I am really sorry I didn't talk to you first. Being with the tone you spoke to the children I was concerned you wouldn't listen to my input either. However, you're right I should have come to you. As for the problem, what can I do to help? I know things can get so busy and hectic in the classroom with little planning times and so many children to care for. Despite how this has all gone down, I hope we can try to work towards a positive solution to the problem.

Plus, knowing teachers and the 'type' they sound to be, they are probably all whispering about it and going to show each other your response. Unfortunately, parent reputations do follow your kids. After your email I hate to say it but again as a teacher, the best thing is to let it go for awhile. They have heard your input. The pricipal knows about it, so it has been adressed. Now that they know your daughter tells you what happens, they are going to think twice about what and how they say things. But, the more you push it the more ackward it will get. Time away and/or time ignored will probably do some good. If she responds back to your email, then just say, okay thanks! that's it. No matter what she writes.

If something else happens or behavior continues. Then perhaps you can readdress the principal, saying Yes I have talked to the teachers and it wasn't fixed. What have you also done to address the issue? See what he says. If nothing, then say I would like to be moved to another track.

Blessings,
Amanda

First of all the fact that the teacher emailed you apologizing is a good thing. If she was too angry she would have completely ignored you. I would request a meeting with her. I would tell her that you are sorry that you went over her head but you were not sure how to confront her with these issues. I would then tell her what your issues are and try to understand her reasons for her way of teaching. You may even want to set up a meeting with the princ after your meeting with her. I would make it clear that you are not happy about the fact that he showed her your email but that you have met with her and hope that things improve from here. By the end of the year, see if things have changed and if they have not, make your PRIVATE request for the teacher that you want. You have got to make nice with this teacher in case your other child does end up with them. You can put your tail between your legs, be the bigger person, and explain that you were not sure of what channels for you to take and that you did not want friction between her and your child. Apologize for the route you did take and tell her that you hope that both of you can work together in the future. Tell her that you hope to keep lines of communication open in the future.

Don't be scared, you are in control of your own children and have the right to understand what is going on. It probably won't be so bad. :o)

I've been in a lot of schools where the general climate has become somewhat negative toward the kids and behavioral control includes mostly yelling and punishment strategies. I agree with others who say to talk to the teachers, but if you do just make sure you come across as saying that you understand that their job must be very difficult - I mean, imagine trying to keep behavioral control over 30 kids AND try to teach them their academics at the same time, especially in today's era of accountability where kids learning is monitored much more closely and considered the ultimate responsibility of the teacher. But also that for your child those strategies don't tend to work and maybe can hurt more than they help. I would bet the teachers are at their wits end and don't know what else to try since they're dealing with behavior issues everyday in a stressful environment.

If you are not a school psychologist or behavioral consultant yourself, maybe you can contact that person within your school to try to help make changes from within to a more positive approach. You could even ask the principal if they've considered becoming a PBS school (positive behavior support) - this is a school-wide approach to using positive reinforcement to teach appropriate behavior, rather than just punish inappropriate behavior. Punishment definitely has it's place, but without a backdrop of positive support it is less effective causing people to get louder and meaner over time to get their point across, used way too often, and breeds resentment and disrespect to the punishers rather than teach new positive and appropriate social behaviors. Kids imitate what they see - if you don't show them respect and appropriate interactions, they won't learn them. By yelling and being mean back to kids who yell at you and are mean, you're just feeding the fire and showing them it's ok to act that way.

If you want to repair the damage just talk to the teacher. If you aren't happy with the results then you should consider a different school. There are private schools and since you are a sahm you also have the time to homeschool your children as well. I think it just depends on how bad this teacher really is and how strongly you feel about how your children are treated and taught. Good luck solving your issue.

OK, so you made a misjudgment and went 'over her head' so to speak, but it sounds as if the teacher is willing to work with you. My advice (after having a mother-in-law, husband, brother and sister who all worked in the school system for YEARS) would be to meet with the teacher, genuinely apologize for 'jumping the gun', and let her know that you're willing to work with her if she'll be more kind and patient with your daughter (that is if you ARE willing to).

Our youngest of 4 was retained in first grade because of an older teacher (I had her for one class when I was in 7th grade, then she 'graded down') who was ready to have a nervous breakdown (she did have one just after the school year ended). Our daughter felt that she was 'stupid' (when she's anything BUT) because the teacher told the kids they were, and she ended up being retained AGAIN in 5th grade! It was good for one reason: we got to have her home with us for 2 extra years before she graduated.

I wish we'd been MORE in tune with what was going on, though. Don't feel bad for standing up for your child, but also don't be too proud to eat a little 'humble pie' if you're willing to work with this teacher.

WOW! Sounds like a similar incident I had with my son's teacher last year, when he was in 2nd grade. Since I see that your daughter is 8, I'm wondering if it isn't the same teacher....???? Me, as well as many other parents last year couldn't stand this teacher because of the same reasons, she was nasty to the kids, she wasn't a very good teacher, she didn't communicate with the parents, she wasn't patient, and she told them inappropriate things. In the beginning, I addressed each thing in an email to her and when she responded she either said that what I was talking about didn't happen, which trust me, I'm sure I couldn't have made those things up, much less my 8 year old son, or she apologized that I felt the way I did and actually made me feel bad. Every time I met with her, she put her "nice" shoes on and made it seem like she was just so sweet. I went to the principal, along with several other parents and the wonderful school system blamed it on us because they said we weren't doing enough to try to communicate with her!!! WHAT!!!??? Bottom line, they won't take responsibility for their crappy selection of teachers and won't do anything to accomodate the parents. Sorry that isn't much help, I had to struggle through it until the end of the year, and if one of my other two children get her, I will move to avoid her.....I just wanted to let you know it isn't just you going through this! Good luck!