How to Talk to a Friend That Clearly Needs to Wake Up !!!

I would tell her to get counseling for herself. Maybe a third party can be the objective voice she needs and give her the support she needs to get up and kick him out.

Her life has been one way for 15 years. It may be crappy and he may be the devil, but he's the devil she knows. What you are asking her to do is change EVERYTHING. That is a really tall order.

She is going to have to work outside the home when she has nothing on her resume for 15 years. What skills she had are mostly outdated.

She will have to leave her son in childcare for more hours than he will be with her.

Her living will change and so will her sons. She is going to separate his family and uproot him and REALLY be on her own. Because her husband makes such a great living, he could argue that he can care better for her son.

She probably feels that she will take the brunt of the blame if she is the one that chooses to leave and if her son has anyone to hate it will be her. If he leaves then he is the only bad guy.

It's a lot to take in for someone who's self esteem has been beaten down for the last 3 years. She is so low, now. Instead of talking her into leaving, talk her into living. Encourage her to focus on becoming the woman SHE can be proud of. Encourage her to find a life for herself NOW. She has to get stronger in order to leave. Encourage her to take classes, even if they are cooking, crocheting or painting classes. Have her take a dance class with you, like belly dancing so she can get FUN exercise and rediscover her sexuality. She needs to stop focussing on his sorry A$$ and start focussing on herself. Help her find things to be excited about in her life and in herself.

Go from there and see how that goes, because if she can find her own life, then she won't be so afraid to live it, and she will focus more on what she can give her son than what she will be taking away.

She needs to hit bottom before she is ready to take action. She has to decide when she's had enough. We all tend to complain when we feel stuck, it makes us feel better but doesn't accomplish anything. As long as you keep listening to her complain, you are helping her feel better but not helping her change.

What you can do is say something to her like, "Look, I know you are miserable. But I get frustrated listening to you complain about your husband and not doing anything about it. It hurts me to hear how badly he is treating you, and know that you continue to stay with him. I think you deserve better. I want to be here for you as you figure out how to change your situation. What are you willing to do differently to make your situation better?"

Your friend doesn't need to get her husband into counseling, she is the one who would benefit the most from going now. A good counselor will help her to find the strength to take care of herself, and to figure out what her options are for her marriage.

You need to set up boundaries with her. Let her know, how you feel, that is what friends do. Tell her, you have been there for 15 years and cherish your relationship with her. Tell her you no longer want to talk about him and his cheating if she's not going to do anything about it. Tell her where you draw the line, tell her it hurts you too see her like this and not do anything about it. Give her the support she needs as a friend, but let her know the boundary line and when shes' crossing it...

I think I would just tell her, "Look, I am really sorry you are going through this, but as your friend I can't do anything but encourage you to kick him out! If you refuse to change this situation you're in, do you really think it's fair to expect me to listen to you going on and on about it, year after year? It's time to put up or shut up." And then encourage her to go get counseling. She is playing the victim, but it's hard to be a victim when nobody will play along... I think you just need to tell it to her straight, and stop allowing her to use you as her bleeding ear. It's one thing for friends to help her through a rough patch, and totally another thing to expect them to put up with this for YEARS.

If he is leaving the sites up, he wants to get caught. Either he wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to take the first step, or he's addicted. She needs cousiling and unless you have the credentials, you aren't qualified. If she can't afford it, call 211 and finid affordable cousiling in her area.

Other people's relationships are hard to bear. I've tried (and sometimes am actually successful) at understanding that people make compromises I would not make and have complex relationships that happen really different behind closed doors. My suggestion to you is to set a clear boundary with her for your own well being. Something like, "It is really hard for me to hear about your situation with your husband. I love you and feel really angry and protective so it is hard to listen to all the horrible things he does and not see any consequences for his behavior. For the time being, it hurts me too much to listen to you complain about how awful he is until you are able to make some concrete steps to protect yourself. However, I will always be here to listen, support you and problem solve with you when you are ready to make some concrete steps that are more loving to yourself." In reality, I think this would be a really hard conversation to have, so make it work for you. But until she is ready to leave or get help, you are powerless. The only thing you can do is create good boundaries for yourself and say from prayers for her that she will be more loving and respectful to herself. And hopefully she will, when she's really ready.

You're right but it's her life.
It's YOUR choice to continue the friendship or not.
Lots of women would really rather stay than stand on their own two feet.
Sad but true.

I agree with AV. Tell her that you can't be her counselor anymore, and you want to talk only about other things. Tell her it's getting you down and you can't take it anymore. It will hurt her feelings, but then maybe she'll go get some help.

Dawn

She's got to want to be rid of him bad enough and she's not there yet.
There's a lot she can do to plan her escape/independence.
You've told her what you think she should do.
Either she'll act on it or she won't.
My guess is she'll put up with it a few more years.
I'm not sure what would be a catalyst to help wake her up.
Perhaps if she sees it's a bad example to her child to be living like this she'll be motivated to do something about it.
Sometimes we'll do things for the sake of our kids that we'd never think of doing for ourselves.

It's not easy to leave, but what happens when or if he gets an STD or one of these girls pregnant. I would be concerned that he is turning her away from sex. That is a big red flag that something is already going on. She can file for divorce and stay in the house. It depends on the state and how long they have been married to ask for alimony. (Although if she can work even part time she should). It also sounds as if she needs a self esteem boost. She may be blaming herself for him cheating. If you are her BF then talk to her, let her know how just complaining is bothering you and that is upsetting to see her so unhappy.
Only she can make the decision to go or kick him out. Let her know that if she chooses to stay it is her choice and to stop complaining. Maybe he is waiting for her to make the first move or to be the first to say something.

I am truly apalled at some people in this world. WHY would anyone want to tell their friend, who is already down, basically "shut up, I'm sick of you complaining about your jerkoff husband"? How can you call yourself her friend if you do that? HOw in the world would that possibly help her? Out of the replies I have read the only one I agree with is Lisa C. (I didnt read all)

I have had this happen to me, when my life was downright hell for awhile. I vented alot to this one 'friend' who decided to do what alot of these women are telling you to do. I don't think I can describe the level of hurt it caused to be abandoned like that.

If you really love your friend, listen when she needs it and help build her up.

Just my opinion

no, yoiu are not wrong. HOWEVER, there is nothing you can say or do that will make her stop and think about what she is doing. All you can do is just listen, telling her what she is doing wrong/what she should be doing will only make her do the opposite. until she is ready to leave she is just going to keep taking it. You can tell her, "BF, I love you and cherish our friendship but I need for you to stop talking to me about your husband. I have given you advice and until you are ready to take it there is nothing more to talk about." It may sound harsh, but it is the reality of things.

Best friends are forever. I don't think you should say anything really bad that you can't take back later when this all blows up and they decide to really try and make it. She will remember every little thing you said. Just be there for her no matter what. This doesn't mean you have to call her every day or anything...just be there for her. It is her life and she will eventually see things for herself. What you could do is talk her into joining a gym and maybe once she gets her weight down she'll feel better about herself and have the guts to make the right decisions. Good luck!