How to Talk to Teacher Re: Child's Lack of Interest

There are so many things that are great about your post and in how you want to deal with the issue and the teacher. I look at this from a teacher's perspective, and I want to commend you for doing so many things right thus far.

You had the conversation about a month ago and have now set up a face-to-face conference. Great move - exactly what you should be doing. Based upon what you've written and how it 'comes across', if I were the teacher in this case I wouldn't feel as if you are being offensive and telling me I'm a bad teacher. What I would gather from the conversation, however, is that here's a student who is not comfortable with school and learning and what would *my* role be in helping her feel at ease. So, don't feel like you're going to be bad-mouthing him; I doubt he'll take it that way.

One thing that jumps out almost immediately is the kids being annoying and misbehaving. You will definitely want to ask the teacher about the social atmosphere. Maybe she is being bullied or picked on, but she isn't telling you? My gut instinct would tell me that she is either being picked on or excluded, she is struggling with certain concepts (although, she seems to be doing okay there), or that some event has happened that makes her feel unsafe and unwanted/unwelcome in the classroom. Maybe he said something to her that she misunderstood, and it made her feel badly? When talking with the teacher, of course discuss the academics but don't forget to emotional/social aspect of schooling either. Maybe it is a personality clash between your daughter and the teacher. If this is the case, this is a great opportunity to let her know that throughout life she will be working with people that she might not like or get along well with or click with, but you still have to work with them and make the best of it. I have had a few students, those of whom I really enjoyed, had their parents tell me that their kids think I "hate them". That's like a blow to the gut, especially when I haven't felt that way in the least! But most importantly, when it is brought to my attention I always think to myself "well, I must have done something to cause them to feel this way" and I correct it by having a positive discussion with the student: "It was brought to my attention that you feel as if I don't like you. I'm so sorry that I come across that way and I need to do a better job of showing you that this isn't the case at all!" (and I usually follow it up with some story about a great piece of writing they've done, talking about their strong points, or telling them how much I appreciate their contribution to the class).

When you go in to the meeting, be a good advocate but also be a good listener. After getting to the heart of the matter and the root of the problem, draw up a plan that addresses the issue. If it is a social thing, then the teacher can work on being more vigilant and making sure everyone is included. If it is an academic thing, then simple goals can be set to achieve the desired results. If both parties are willing, pull the kid into the conference and make her a part of the process. It will be an incredibly empowering experience for her to take control of the situation and try to 'right the ship' with both you and her teacher serving as advocates. Maybe she thinks that the "teacher hates her" (which, I doubt is the case) and this is a great opportunity for her to vocalize these concerns and he can allay her fears - what a great opportunity for her to learn how to communicate effectively with someone!

Good luck and hope everything works out well.

You have great advice here! YOU need to feel confident in approaching this matter with the teacher. I feel pretty sure he wants to do whatever he can to help out a good student, such as your daughter. It's possible the classroom misbehavior is taking most of his time and energy, so he doesn't have it to spend on the students who aren't acting out, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care or is being a "bad" teacher! Every student needs something and it's important to prevent a good student from 'Hating" school. You have a situation and the teacher will want to hear it. You and he need to partner to brainstorm and problem-solve this for and with your daughter. Be strong and don't be afraid to speak up!

After a conference with her teacher, I told my daughter how much the teacher really cared about her. Learning that the teacher felt sad because she was sad, seemed to help. I assured my daughter that the teacher and I would do whatever it takes to make things better. Knowing that we were both on her side gave her new confidence.

I asked the teacher to find some ways to make my daughter feel special/appreciated (especially if most of the other kids are misbehaving).

Another small idea: Have the teacher choose a good partner for her when they pair up (don't just leave it up to the kids). The one nice girl in the class could be across the room. It's embarrassing when everyone pairs up, and one is left standing alone.

The best thing that you CAN do is ask lots of questions: What kind of behavior are you seeing in class w/ my child vs. the other children? Bullying or nastiness? Are there a lot of children in the class who misbehave? Is it a needy class? (Many times, teachers will put challenging children next to quiet, tolerant, well behaved children... could be your daughter's case. Many times it works; other times it causes the opposite effect.). Ask if your daughter participate in class? Is she social and with whom or is she introverted?(She can be at the high end of academics but, socially, she could be at the lower end), Is there extra work that she can do if she is bored? What motivates her???? Address specific challenges with him. You know your child at home... it's amazing who they sometimes become at school.

Some years are harder than others, socially, as far as kids fitting in, or academically. You may really like this teacher but his teaching style may not be what your daughter needed, but your son did. Maybe he has more of a direct approach and your daughter needed someone more of a warm fuzzy. This happened with my children in second grade. It would have been brutal for my son to have the direct - militant teacher I requested for my daughter. It was my daughter's toughest academic year and she excelled. My daughter would have been lost with the bubbly - dynamic teacher I hoped for that my son had. Both were awesome and knew just how to motivate my children. But ... I've learned to roll the dice and I don't ever request a teacher for my children in the hopes that I get the right person for my child. It really is great that you have kept in touch with this teacher and he is aware that there have been concerns. Communication with the teachers is so important.

Student's dynamics plays a huge part in the success of a child too. There was an awful dynamics of children in my daughter's 3rd grade class and she had a lovely teacher; By Spring break, I figured if I was hearing this classroom nonsense, daily, the teacher must be living it. So I had a teacher conference and the teacher was grateful for the parental concern. There was bullying and nastiness!!! Amazingly, things did change after Spring break - this was the teacher's prediction. Some years, socially, for girls, can be soooo challenging! Have you experienced the girl-triangle-friendship yet???

Just because she doesn't love school this year doesn't mean she won't love school ever. Sadly, some years are so much harder than others and the teacher is only part of the equation for your child's success. It really is amazing how things do change after Spring break, too. You're doing the right thing by talking to the teacher and trying to find a solution is proactive. There is no reason why this teacher would/should ever feel attacked by your concerns unless you are truly viewing him as the problem. I don't see this as the case.

Best of luck to you.

Your daughter may be feeling stressed about school and you are doing all the right things by talking with her frequently and talking to the teacher. It is true she may be bored or not treated well by some other students, but there could be more going on. She may not be able to exactly pin down what it is and express it to you yet herself. If the classroom is tough, even if the teacher is on top of it, it still is a source of stress and some children have a hard time handling that on a day to day basis. It might not hurt for you to sit in on class one day or even come in to volunteer for an afternoon so you can see just what it is like. It is stressful being in a highly disciplined classroom even if she never misbehaves - she is still subjected to all the drama and stress. The good news is the school year will be winding down soon, and hopefully you will get some answers. She may be in a totally different type of classroom next year and love it. The type of teacher makes a difference too, as some kids thrive with a more straightforward teacher, and others will do better with the more warm and fuzzy type. Not that the teacher is a bad teacher, just not her style. Also keep in mind that this teacher may be so different from her others and she doesn't do as well with his style of teaching, and that second grade is a lot different than K or grade 1, so it may seem not as fun to her as previous years. I think you are being a great mommy and I really hope you can find some answers that will help your little girl!

I agree that you are right to call a conference with your daughter's teacher. When you speak with him, you are not talking to him about his teaching, rather, you are talking with him about your child. Together, the two of you can work out a plan to do what is best for your daughter. When it comes down to it, teacher's want the best for all children and are thrilled when parents want to work together as a team. I'm sure your daughter's teacher won't take the discussion personally (unless you address it as his fault) and will only want what will help your daughter find that love of learning again. My best to you.

I would start with I have a lot of respect for you as I requested you but the trouble with my daughter is getting worse. Share with him all she is saying and doing. Then ask him to help you help her by figuring out something that may help her deal with this. Find out what would make it fun or interesting for your daughter and see if you can get him to add that in or ask if you could bring that in for when she completes the required work.

A teacher in "temporary retirement" myself, I first thought your daughter is just bored. If she is at the top of the class, she may not be challenged enough, and the discipline problems with the others could add to the boredom and make her annoyed. Perhaps she can "buddy up" with a student in a lower grade level to read with and tutor. I've found this to be a rewarding and positive experience for both students involved. Your daughter would have a sense of worth and have something to look forward to - the younger would benefit from her help, as well. It would be her special time. Another option would be to look into a gifted program, if one is offered and she qualifies. Good luck with the conference!

Hi KB,
(I am a teacher of adolescents and parent of 3 kids under 5.) Teachers and parents have to be vulnerable to each other because we are sharing a very intimate thing - the raising of children. Obviously trust is crucial and it sounds like you already have a good start on that. I think if you start from a place of honesty that the teacher will appreciate that. No teacher wants to hear that the students are bored, but we want even less to let a situation get worse. Even if it is a bit uncomfortable, get your concerns out there and remember you both have the same goal - to help your kid thrive.

Not all teachers are trained in "differentiating the curriculum" but there are lots of resources out there for this. The basic idea is that all kids have different levels of readiness and interest, and different learning styles. There are ways for a teacher to be responsive to all of these different needs in the same classroom. Tracking kids in Advanced classes and such can have it's problems, but in a differentiated classroom, kids learn from each other and learn to respect the strengths and weaknesses of others.
Anyway...it's a lot to break down here, but here is a website that can help...http://www.differentiationcentral.com/whatisdifferentiati...
maybe you can find a delicate way to tell the teacher that this is something that you have heard about and ask for his help in finding out more?

Also- when i problem-solve issues with my students, we often come up with secret "cues" for them to signal me (in this case, that they are feeling bored/frustrated) and then i respond in a way that we had already determined in our conference (give them a different task, let them work in a center, let them get up and shake it off...whatever the teacher and child have determined will help). This is discreet and no one else has to know. In my class we have an understanding that fair doesn't mean that everyone gets the same thing, but that fair is that everyone gets what they NEED...that way we avoid:"but SHE got to do....and I didnt!"

sorry for the long response...but I hope some of it helps!
good luck
O.

HI KB,

Sounds a lot like my daughter. Are you sure that it is the teacher or lack of interest that is bothering your daughter? With my child, I found out that it was the kids in her class.
In 2nd grade the kids (girls) started forming groups and a "queen bee" emerged in the class. My daughter hated going because she felt that she didn't fit in. It was really hard.

It took me a long time to figure out what was going on. Bullying in 2nd grade?
My daughter is very sensitive to what is going on around her and will feel for others
who are reprimanded or not included in a group. So, even if it's not her, she still gets upset and worried. It sound like your daughter may be the same. Have a talk with her about the kids. Children don't have the skills yet, to navigate around bullies.

It is also possible, that a "tough" teacher is loved by a son, and hated by a daughter. They do view things differently. Although my son is younger, things that bother my daughter, just seem to roll right off of him, with out any notice. With my daughter, they stick like dried cement and have to be chiseled off.

Good luck talking to the teacher. You are doing the right thing. This a mystery that needs to be solved! Ask who she is sitting next to. Maybe she can be moved.
Also try more play dates with girls that you think are nice or have similar personalies to
your daughter and not just someone she thinks is cool.

I know how heart breaking it is to have your child cry and say they don't want to go to school. I hope you come to a solution soon.

S : )

K-,
Talk with her daily about days at school. Take abou 15-20 minutes and ask questions about her day and how it went. Let it flow freely so you can find out what's the contributing factor. Let her know that you are proud of her and that she is making good progress. Try to have her keep a journal, so she can talk about her feelings. I hope some of this helps. Also, try creating incentives that will help motivate her, like playing on the computer, get her favorite treat, going to the park and anything else you can think of.

All the Best!

As a 2nd grade teacher, I completely agree with MR's response. You are doing a great job. I would not be offended if you came to me. As a teacher, I would also be sad that your daughter hates school. Perhaps you could ask the teacher if your daughter can see the social worker to chat. Maybe something is bothering her that you are unaware of. Good luck!

I feel your pain and your daughter's pain. My now 4th grader had/has the same types of issues with not liking school after loving it previously. After digging into it with her, I discovered it had to do with the other kids in her class being nasty to her. I am amazed at how mean kids are nowadays. I hope your conference goes well - the teacher needs to be aware of your daughter's feelings so he can provide her a safe environment for learning.

I'm more or less just responding to see the many responses and to let you know that you are not by yourself.

I have a 6 year old that started kindergarten this year. Because I work with her at home and she is so much older than many of her peers she's bored stiff. She likes her teacher and she likes art/music/p.e....but there isn't a thing that they have covered thus far that she didn't already know or at least was very familiar with already (except the rain forest unit they just did). I tried to talk to the teacher about it and she was very considerate of my concerns...she even sent home extra work for my daughter to do at home with me. I told her how much I appreciated the work and my daughter finished it in just a few weeks. I've waited to see if the teacher will send more work, but nothing. I just hate to bug her so much. I work with her at home still and I take her to the library once a week to keep her learning process going forward as much as I can.

But honestly, I'm so thoroughly disappointed that they don't test children to see what their abilities are and then place them so that they keep moving forward no matter what level they are at when they start. (And it is very possible to teach children at different levels in the same classroom...they did it for generations in one room school houses, they did it when I was in school...but now discipline is a key factor in preventing that kind of instruction)

I've found out that the district she's in won't place her in any kind of advanced placement programs until second or third grade. I'm so discouraged. So my child has to sit in class un-challenged, bored, and stagnant until second or third grade. By that time if I choose to stop working with her, she probably won't be advanced anymore. How sad!

I really like her teacher and the school is very nice, but I sincerely think they do a disservice to kids that are advanced. Every effort under the sun is made for a child that is behind or high-risk...but we leave those that are advanced bored...some to become discipline problems because they start to act out.

I hope that someone on this forum has some good suggestions that we can both use.

I would speak with the teacher, being totally honest. Since you specifically requested him (be sure he knows this)he must know you have nothing against him. He might have some good ideas on how to smooth things out with your daughter and make her love school again. Good luck!

You have definetly made the right choice by calling a conference with the teacher. I teach second grade and always appreciate when parents come to me with what is happening at home. Sounds like the teacher is strict which may be leading your daughter to be a bit afraid in the classroom. Possibly you could set something up where the teacher could meet with your daugher at a special time- and she could "help out" the teacher. This may make her feel like she has an important role in the room. Keep asking questions- possibly you could observe the classroom one day to actaully see the classroom dynamics.
Good Luck!

Hi, I wonder if your child might be bored this year? She may be not only smarter, but more mature, than her classmates, even though she's on the younger end? I would bring that up as a possibility in the conference. My younger brother did not do well in school for many years. My parents didn't realize it was because he was just under-challenged, until he took his SATs and scored off the charts.

This teacher may be better with boys than with girls. Let your children "get who they get" and learn to deal with it. If you're trying to spare her from these growing experiences now, what extreme will you go to later in her life? Just let her know that she won't be in the classroom with the same children all her life and a lot of people are annoying in life...we all have to learn to deal with it or we're LOST as adults (never having learned how to cope as a youngster).

I also have to wonder about the classroom dynamics. Is it possible your daughter is being picked on or has other social difficulties, but the way she explains it to you is to say other kids misbehave? Maybe she is being picked on because she is a good student?

Hi, I'm a second grade teacher, so I really want to help you! I instill a love of learning and positive attitude toward school first and foremost. It is very important to help mold a well rounded successful student. I think setting up a conference is a great idea, and I would include your daughter for part or all of the conference. She needs to know that you both care enough about her to discuss it. Also, maybe she could make a list of things she loves about school and things she dislikes. This could get some dialogue going for the conference. As for the teacher...I'm glad that you like him and have a positive relationship. Hopefully he finds time to laugh and enjoy his students. It sounds like your daughter is bright. He could give her some special "projects" or high interest assignments/books or even have her help students who are being disruptive or mentor students who need extra help. It sounds like she feels lost in the class and maybe needs some attention because she IS a good, smart student. It's unfortunate that the challenging students take a lot more of a teacher's time. I'm sure he'll have some ideas too. Remind her that school is her responsibility and her "job" and that having fun with it is a choice. She can choose to "hate it" or she can make a difference and enjoy it. Good luck! Keep me posted!!
L. Donohoo

Second Grade Teacher
Arbonne Independent Consultant

I agree with the previous post. It is possible she is being picked on,or excluded by the 'in' group. I have 3 girls, and my older one ( 11) still struggles with the clicks, and being excluded, etc. Girls can be so mean to each other.

My older would come home crying at times, and sometimes things would not come out until weeks later. It is heartbreaking when your child is crying and hurt by other kids.

Try to ask her about the other kids in school. In what ways are they annoying or misbehaving? This may bring out more of what is happening.

I feel your pain. My oldest will be starting middle school next year, and I am hoping she makes some good/lasting friendships.

as someone who used to teach, i'd say just be honest. maybe come in with a few specific things you're experiencing at home and ask your daughter for some really particular things that are bothering her. remember, you're not blaming HIM for his teaching, you're bringing something to his attention and wanting to work together to come up with a plan. had a parent come to me while i was teaching with this kind of concern i never would have taken offense to it! i'd've been very happy to talk to the parent and know how much you care about your child and her experience in school. i applaud you for making sure that she has a positive perception of school.

Is there any chance that there is something else going on in the classroom, like she is being bullied? You mentioned she would sometimes cry before and after school... Be sure to ask the teacher(s) about this... Good luck.

First, I am sorry for your daughter's unhappiness in school. As a parent, that can be awful to see your child go through a miserable year. But, children do not come home from school everyday crying because of "review" and/or "boredom". And, even though it is a tough class, children are empathetic and sympathetic to their peers.I would bet there is another reason for this behavior. You could request to observe for an entire day in the classroom to see exactly what is going on. This way you can see what the teacher does all day, what your daughter does all day, and try to figure out what is bothering her. Some children are just so used to being the center of their parent's universe that it becomes difficult for them to achieve without that feeling from everyone. Maybe with it being such a tough class, she isn't getting the extra attention she needs. Maybe the teacher can see if he can give her a little more attention.Have you had your child speak with the school social worker to figure out why he or she is crying daily? Daily crying is an emotional response to something going on in your child's life.
Is your child geting straight A's? Kids with straight A's are usually gifted (schools actually test for this)and she could be bored if she is truly "gifted". Other children are "bored" because they don't like the particular topics being taught, and usually get to choose (at home) what they like to do, so it is difficult to adjust to school when they are used to being able to choose their own activities.
Secondly, don't ever request certain teachers. He may have been great with your son, but that doesn't mean it will be the same with your daughter. Children have different personalities, work ethic, social skills,emotional needs,etc.,etc.,etc., and boys are very different from girls in the classroom. Also, "requesting" a teacher is NEVER a good idea.I don't even know where this started, but I know it didn't happen when I was in school, and teachers never request for their child to have a "certain" teacher.That's baffling that parents do this nowadays. A child is not always going to click with, extremely like, or think their teacher is nice 100% of the time. And that's o.k. It's not a cause for alarm or a cause to "request" your child be moved. It is on the other hand a part of everyday life, a GOOD learning experience for your child, and prepares them for the real world in which they will realize that you can't always get what you want.
Good luck, I hope you find some answers for your daughter so she can enjoy school.

Maybe you could request that your daughter is given extra work, if she is bored because it's too easy.