My daughter is 4 yrs old & I think I might have to tell her now we are not her bio parents because her bio parents have decided to start seeing her after 2 yrs. She asks questions now like why do I have to see such & such & I just fluf it off for now but if they actually do keep up with their visitations I'm afraid I won't be able to keep fluffing it off. So how do you think I should tell a 4 yr old or what did you tell your young children if you've ever been in my shoes??
There seems to be some confusion here. I am not a foster parent. The bio mom is my niece & hasn't cared for this child since she was born nor has the bio dad. The bio mom had wanted to give her to us for adoption but the bio dad wouldn't allow it. He wanted someone in his fam to adopt her & now 4 yrs later w/no word from either bio parent, my husband & I are trying to move forward & make things right before she starts school next yr. Once the bio parents were served regarding the adoption they said they do not want to give her up b/c she is their only child. No the bio parents are NOT together. She has been living w/us for over 2 yrs now & in the court docs it states that both parents should be paying child support but neither have or call on her on her bday/holidays, or send cards for holidays. I believe the bio parents are just being selfish & not thinking of the well being of this little girl. I will wait till after our visit tomorrow to see if my daughter has any questions based upon what the bio parents may say to her. Thank you everyone.
Keep it simple. If you don't know how to tell her - ask a counselor for help.
DO NOT LIE TO HER!!! If you legally adopted her and it's an open adoption, it's OKAY to tell her that they are the people who gave birth to her and then gave her to you.
NEVER EVER lie to the child about this. I can tell you that. When they find out the truth (as it ALWAYS comes out in the end) they will wonder what other lies you have told...
GOOD LUCK!!!
The phrases "Everyday Mama" and "Birth Mama" are useful in our home.
I'd recommend something like this:
Families can look different. Some people live with just their mama or papa, some people have two mamas, some people live with their mama and papa, some people live with two papas. Some people live with their grandmother, some with their auntie, some with all relatives together.
Some people come out of a birth mama and then they are able to find an everyday family to live with. Some people come out of a birth mama and stay with their birth mama and papa. Their birth family is their everyday family.
You came from a birth mama. She grew you in her tummy and when you were born, you lived with her for a while. Then you became a part of our family and I'm SOOOOO glad because now I get to be your everyday Mama and I love you so much. I will love you forever and no matter what.
If she asks why she doesn't live with her birth mama anymore (mine has, and often, but she really, really remembers coming to our house and living with my sister, her birth mama), I say, your Clementine Mama loves you so much and wants you to have the best life possible. She is very sick and can't take care of you, so she asked me to take care of you and to love you up big. When she talks about missing her, I say, that's okay kiddo. She misses you too. I'm so glad you live with us and I'm sorry you are hurting.
Good luck sister. I hope it goes well.
What are the circumstances? Is she your adopted daughter? Is she your foster daughter? I think that factors in the telling.
I would go slowly. I would find books on adoption or foster care (depending on the circumstances) and say, "Did you know you were adopted, too? Isn't that very special?" Give her time to process that. If YOU are her parent now, then YOU decide how the meetings go and when she's ready for it. She'll probably be fine, but the kid comes first, IMO.
Well, honestly, there is a lot that you could/should have done differently from the beginning, but I'm not going to waste my time explaining that here.
At this point. Just tell her. Keep it simple. Keep it truthful.
"On Saturday we are going to McDonald's to have lunch and play with Sally and Jim. Have I ever told you about Sally and Jim? They are my special friends, because they were your first family! You were born out of Sally's tummy and they were your mommy and daddy before you came to live with us. They are really excited to see you, and I'm excited for you to see them again!"
Done.
You can't and SHOULD'T control what her bio parents tell her about who they are, so you need to be truthful or the child will just be confused.
At this point you also need to start being honest with yourself about exactly what your situation is. This little girl is NOT legally free for adoption. You are (as I understand it) not even her legal foster parents. You are, I'm sure, a wonderful mother to her, but part of fostering is knowing that you will likely have to give them BACK. It doesn't sound like you're really holding a place for that reality, nor does it sound like you're setting her up to cope very well if that happens. This isn't a regular custody hearing where the judge is deciding who is the better parent... you are asking them to TERMINATE parental rights... you being BETTER isn't the issue,they would have to be UNFIT, which is a much bigger issue.
In the little girls interest, you need to start focusing on keeping her emotionally safe LONG term rather than keeping things easy (for you?) short term.
I really hope this helps. Good luck with everything.
T.
I think it is better the child know the basic truth from very early on. I told my daughter she was adopted (didn't come from MY tummy, sister wanted you to have the best family ever!!) when she was 2, nothing was hidden, private and nothing except the truly awful was held back until later.
Did she call your mom "mommy" when she had her for the length of time when she had conservatorship? When this girl moved in with you, did you jump the gun and have her call you "mommy" even though according to you: the adoption can not move forward with out the parents giving up their rights?
Unfortunately, I think she needs a more direct and truthful answer today, especially with the birthmom/birthdad coming on Saturday and not supporting the adoption.
Hello,
I do actually have loads of advise on this, and I have been in your situation. I have custody (perm. now) of my nephew and niece. We have had the kids for almost 7 years. We got the kids when they were only 2 and almost 4 yrs old. They are now 9 and almost 11. This is something that I could say so much about, but I don't like to type long responses. I would be happy to speak to you about this if you want to contact me and we can go from there? I would wait until the bio parent actually shows up, because you still aren't sure that will really happen. (first) Then, at some point I would talk to your child about families, and what makes a family. Some children live with the Mommies who carried them in their bellies and the daddies who helped create them, and other children live with the mommies and Daddies who CHOSE to be their parents. Some children live with one parent, or an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, etc. (you can talk about the various types of make ups of families) I have always told my 2 that I am very lucky to be their Mom, because I got to CHOOSE them. I never was pregnant with them or carried them in my belly while they grew, but I got to make a choice once they were born, and I chose to be their Mom. I tell them they are very lucky because they have TWO Dads, and TWO Moms. (they do not see their bio Mom at all, or have any contact whatso ever. They do have contact with the bio Dad now) They know that my oldest 2 kids I DID carry in my belly until they were born, unlike them, however, they feel special because as I said, they believe that my husband and I chose to be their parents. (when we didn't have to) We have never not been honest about this with them, and have never hidden anything from them. They actually forget from time to time that they are not biologically ours, because they will look at a photo of me pregnant and ask if that is when they were in my belly. I will have to remind them that I never had them in my belly. I then go and find a photo of them when they were younger, when we first got custody, and show them the picture and say this is when you became my son, or daughter. I have photos of their bio parents that I show them if they ask. I have baby ppics of them all around our home. I managed to get them from other family members who we are not related to. This does get to be a very tricky thing at times. I wish you the best. Again, I could say SO much more, but I would end up typing ALL day. LOL! I meant what I said about contacting me though if you are ever interested. Just private message me, and I will get back to you with a phone number. It's a tough job being a Mom, and it's sometimes an even tougher one to take on the role for someone else. (It IS rewarding too though) Good luck!! <3
PS- I just read some of the other posts or answers to this, and I wanted to let you know that by letting her call you MOm you did nothing wrong. You are this child's mother for all purposes, and 2 years is a long time. I honestly can't believe that anyone would begin to think that you would be called anything BUT Mom since you ARE the Mom. Being the bio Mom is just that.............. biology. This bio MOm has not seen the child at all, correct? Every child needs to have a mother, and my own 2 kids call me Mom too. My niece who was 2 when we got custody, started calling us Mom and Dad right away. She was not talking when she came to live with us, so she was learning to talk and mimicing what our older 2 daughters called us. Our "nephew" or son who was almost 4 at the time knew we were his aunt and uncle, and he called us by name for a good 6 months. Then one night at bedtime, he asked me if he could call me Mommy. I told him he could call me whatever he wanted to. (up until that point the only time he refered to me as Mom were if he was hurt or scared, or at school when talking to someone else. He would say my Mommy) He made the choice to call us Mommy and Daddy, and once he made the change, he said it 50 times a day for weeks. His therapist said he needed to feel like he had parents. (obviously) Now that their bio Dad is involved in their lives, although very limited, they refer to us as their "real" Mom and Dad, and he is their "other" Dad. I guess we are "real" because we are the ones who are there everyday. Good luck!
Did you go through an agency? Can they help you? I would probably seek a professional like a counselor or social worker at least in the beginning to help out as needed. I do think you need to tell her so I'm glad you are going forward with openness! Good luck, it will be okay!
no lies. no fluff. simple explanations, and no more than the child asks for.
khairete
S.
Well, I think more information is needed to fully understand the situation. So, if the child is legally adopted and your child with an open adoption then I think the term "god parents" may be appropriate here. If you are an aunt and have guardianship then you should not have been "mom" to begin with IMO ... but with out really understanding the circumstances it is hard to guide you.
ETA read some previous posts, my understanding is you have a child from teen parents who have not given up parental rights yet - you are hoping to get the child legally via adoption. This is still pending and I am going to assume you some how know/knew these teens. I say they go by Jim and Sally until things have been legally finalized. If they object you need to explain to them that a 4yr old is going to become confused and scared, until you know what this will be you are aksing they go by their names Jim and Sally. You have been "mom" for her life and unless things change the name/titles will not change. I would tell your daughter via books about adoption what is going on and explain that she came out of her tummy but you are mommy and she is birth mother and you can call her sally. Honestly, with it all up in the air official titles are just confusing all around.
Your best bet here seems to be that TX uses the "best interest of the child" to make the decision - and/or defacto custody ... since you've been working with an attorney, surely they've covered these if they are something TX courts look at!
(just not sure why visits have now been started? must've missed a post somewhere!)
not sure where i got it in my head. but i thought by law you had to tell an adopted child they were by the age of two. that might be a very old law or something the adopted parents told me for what ever reason. so sorry your having to deal with this. it would be a great time to teach and explain to her the difference between what a parent is and a bio parent is. also explain to her about step parents and all the other type of arrangements going on. it might help her understand. also explain to her how you got her. hopefully it was a huge want and need in your life that brought you to the adoption agency.
Remind her of someone you know who is pregnant or was recently pregnant. Tell her she grew inside --- but ---- couldnt take care of her and said that you and your hubby could take care of her and be her mommy and Daddy and you were so happy about that. Talk about how you got ready for her to live with you and bought her a crib and clothes and toys and were so excited. I made my son a life book that tells his story, I started with a map showing where he was born, if you had a pic of her birth mom pregnant that would be great to include. I had a pic of his birth mom and pictures of us building and painting his bedroom. make it a simple story with lots of pictures, kids need to hear the story over and over. If she stayed with another family, put that in there. Say how happy you and hubby were when she came to live with you and that you will love her forever and ever. put in pictures of the three of you over time.
I have lots of children's books about adoption that I read to my son. I'd recommend We belong together by Todd Parr and Mr Rogers Talks about Adoption. Get these books ASAP and read them again and again.
You've gotten good advice here, you must be honest. Do you think if you backed off the adoption, let them know they can always visit and receive pictures (give them some pictures) maybe they would decide to let things alone and leave her with you? If it turns into a fight, are they really unfit or just disinterested? Ask your lawyer if he thinks you could win in a fight
