My sister and her husband are getting divorce. Which means my daughters are losing their uncle. My oldest daughter has barely seemed to notice that we have seen "auntie" many times recently and her uncle hasn't been there. But, I know we still need to tell her something. Any ideas about how to explain to her that she won't be seeing her uncle anymore?
**I guess I should add that their uncle is not a healthy person to be around at the moment. It also seems very inappropriate to go behind my sister to see her ex-husband. **
**Another clarifier...I guess I thought this would be assumed, but I would NEVER tell my daugther any details of why they are divorcing. I am simply wondering how to explain to her that we will not be seeing her uncle anymore. I think it's important that she understands that people just don't disappear...what a big worry for a 3 year old!**
I got some very good advice and some that made me realize that I can't just write a brief question and expect people to understand some things such as I don't lay adult problems on my children. My daughter has mentioned her uncle's name several time this week, so I am just going to tell her that we will not be seeing him anymore, but everyone still loves her very much. I will reassure her that we will see her auntie as much as usual. My sister fought long and hard for her marriage, so those that said they are praying...she sure appreciates that!
She's a baby so make it simple.....when she asks where he is just tell her that Auntie and Uncle don't live together anymore.
Hi L.,
I would imagine your explanation of the divorce would depend a great deal upon the closeness your daughter has had with her uncle (soon to be ex-uncle).
If she spent a lot of time with him, saw him on a regular basis, and seemed to really enjoy his company, she'll need to know that Uncle will not be around as much and that it has NOTHING to do with her.
If she did have a good relationship with him, it would be in her best interest to maintain that relationship. However, I totally understand how divorce can rip families apart - both of my brothers have gone through divorces - and this is easier said than done.
On the other hand, if she was never close to him (and it sounds like she wasn't) and, like you wrote, she doesn't even notice he is gone, I'd wait until she asks about it or until she is older. It can be frightening for young children to know that parents divorce and if she's not traumatized by his absence, I wouldn't make a big deal about it.
That being said, there's really no right or wrong here - only you know the entire situation and can say what is best for your daughter.
My prayers are with your sister! M.
Hi L. - Why is she losing her uncle? Her aunt and uncle are divorcing from each other, not from you. Unless he was abusive I see no reason that he can not be a part of your daughters life. My aunt and uncle got divorced when I was young, and he still holds a very special place in my heart. if you feel like the relationship is important then you will make it work so he can still see your daughter.
If the uncle will now be "lost" to your daughters, it sounds as though there was not much of a connection there. I wouldn't say much of anything until your older daughter either asks why her uncle isn't coming around or expresses some sort of distress about it. Three is very young to explain about divorce. I'm more concerned that she will feel rejected or abandoned if she thought her uncle was pretty special.
If she does ask, you might simply say that your sister and her partner decided not to live together any more. Then just answer any questions that arise from than explanation as simply as possible. Details about the technicalities can be saved until she's much older. If she seems to crave continued contact with the uncle, perhaps you could help arrange future get-togethers unless there are too many hard feelings.
L.,
If she asks, I'd tell her that auntie and uncle can't play nice anymore and have decided not to be with each other anymore. Or something like that that she will be able to relate to.
If she doesn't ask leave it alone. Kids will, usually, only ask the questions they are ready to hear the answers to.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
I know you've made your decision but I read this and am at this time going through this with my almost 3 year old and my husband's brother who is divorcing his wife. Lucky for us they live 6 hours away and my son doesn't see them much plus my sister in law is/has not been "loving" towards the kids any way. It was my 10 year old I felt I had the harder time explaining it to since she has spent so much more time with her aunt.
I ended up letting her know her uncle and aunt were very unhappy as a couple with each other and the tenseness she always felt around them wouldn't be there any more and in the end it'll be so much better for her cousins, both boys ages 18 and 16. My daughter was satisfied with that but I did tell her that her aunt would always be her aunt. The blood relation is there and the feelings she has for her aunt are valid and okay to have, no matter what she hears her grandma or others say.
We were just visiting the family 6 hours away and aside from my gossipy mother in law (whom I love dearly but she still talks a lot, if you know what I'm saying) the family had fun visiting with us and my nephews look happier than they've ever had in the 14 years I've known them.
Good luck. I know I didn't give any advice just my own experience. I hate finishing with some preachy sermon about what is really best for you since only you knows what is really the best answer to life's quandries. Good luck and hugs. :)
Why do you feel the need to say anything? Especially when you yourself have noted that your three year old isn't at all bothered by any of this. If she were to ask, then perhaps you'd need to explain that uncle doesn't live with auntie any more. But she's only three and doesn't want or need a more in-depth explanation. Chances are excellent she won't even notice anything unusual about the lack of her uncle being around, so I think it would be a little silly to try to burden a young child with adult matters.
Hi L.,
I see your concern...my advice would be to wait until she asks where he is or why he isn't with her auntie. That will tell you that 1. she has noticed he is not around and 2. she cares/wonders where he is. If she doesn't ask then I would let her be in her bliss of her little three year old life! :) Fantasy and all that comes with the joy of childhood.
In addition, if she does ask, I think your answer should be sweet and simple, like: "uncle.so and so..has some problems he needs to work out so we won't be seeing him for a while....but we get to see auntie whenever we want" or whatever you would like to say there... and leave it at that.
Hope that helps...I am sorry to hear your sister is going through a divorce. It is never easy and affects the whole family. My heart goes out to you...
