How Would Any of You Handle This?

I have to say, I would be livid. I agree with the fact of not letting this situation get in the way of the children being cousins. That would be wrong. But your sister in law obviously didn't have her twins on your daughters b-day for a positive reason otherwise there wouldn't be an issue. It seems as though she did the c-section on your daughters b-day for her own selfish reasons. I wouldn't ignore the situation either. It will only make things worse. Each time something else happens like this between the cousins, it's going to make you to the point of being angry and no longer hurt. If it upsets you, I would definitely say something. And your right, you don't have to be a witch but you should be able to say how you feel. If she's anything of a good person she will understand and try to make amends on the whole situation. Atleast for the childrens sake.

I think as long as you and your husband make a big deal about it your daughter won't mind as much. She is getting old enough for friend birthday parties and really at that age friends are starting to become more important to her. You also mentioned that you live away from the rest of your family. You really can't expect them to come visit just for a birthday. Especially with the price of traveling going up and up. I wouldn't get to upset about the whole issue. Did you Sister-in-law know it was your daughter's birthday when she scheduled her c-section. Just a thought.

You are justified in being hurt and upset. I say the only way to resolve this is talking to the people that have hurt you. Sometimes people are oblivious to something being upsetting until you talk to them. Don't put them on the defensive but maybe offer up suggestions you alternate years to celebrate with the twins, one year they make it for your daughters, the next year about the twins. Even offering up a big celebration for all the kids. Just explain nicely that your daughter needs her family involved to making her birthday special too and you want her to feel special that day. I would hope just explaining it or offering up alternatives would help them see you are justified. It may be the deal of traveling out of state for your inlaws. If they do not come then all you can do is try and include them, even offering up a webcam of the blowing out of the candles or something.
Hugs! I am sorry and I hope it all works out.

I can understand that it hurts you, however I would just leave it alone. You have already invited them and they did not come, you suggested that you go there and they did not take you up on that. They know it is your daughters birthday and have chose to do nothing. If you say something I think you will be portrayed as the witch and nothing will change. Unfortunatly people sometimes have "favorites" it sounds like the twins or maybe your sister in law are that. If you don't make a fuss about it in front of your daughter she will not know there is a problem. Play up the positive. Your parents are there, your family is there. We often make too much of birthdays anyway. Sometimes we just have to accept the negative and turn it into a positive. If your daughter has picked up on it already then make it into a positive. Something like we love you so much we don't want to share you on your birthday. Make it a special family time for just you and yours. Don't make it into a rilvery, you will probably loose. Again, play up what you do have, make little of what you don't.

don't worry about it. i am sure you are more upset than your little girl is. i never really had family birthday parties, and i don't remember being upset that grown ups weren't there. i think there are probably other reasons you are upset with your family-in-law than just a little b-day party. try to resolve those and don't bring your daughter into it.

I would not spend effort in feeling bad about your daughter not getting the attention you feel she needs? deserves? I would spend my effort and attention in making her feel special on that day and no attention concerning her cousins.
Say something like, "isn't nice, or an honor to share your birthday with your cousins. Negative energy never creates anything good...it will only cause resentment from her to her cousins and you will resent that fact that your sister in law created the situation...it will continue as long as you live.
Nothing good will ever come of it. My advice therefore is to forgive the situation and create a feeling of comradery.....
Get the DVD "the secret" and watch it with enthusiasm.

Hi Melissa,
Don't ever question whether or not you have the right to feel the way you feel. You are rightfully upset. In my family there are a lot of shared birthdays and birthdays within a few days of each other. When the birthdays are on the same day perhaps it would be best to talk with your Sister-in-law and discuss how to trade off the celebration. Of course your little family could still do the celebration on the actual day but as for extended family maybe one year your daughter gets her big party on the day and then the next year maybe a week later so that the twins can have their party on the actual day. We have so much extended family that my daughters end up having 3 or more parties...they love it!!!
My Mother-in-law lives in Alaska and so she rarely spends my daughter's birthdays with them. However, she sends special packages that they look forward to. Each year they wait for the UPS truck and then get to open their special package. They also get fun e-mails and phone calls. There are many ways for the rest of the family to "be there" for your daughter. Maybe a gentle reminder to your in-laws. Especially if your other children are receiving something from them. IF this really is just an issue of the day being busy with the twins, then there should be no harm in just saying, "You know my daughter is looking forward to her gift from you to arrive just like the one you sent for her brother" Phrase it in a positive way, conveying that your other child enjoyed the thought so much that your daughter is anxious for the same event.

I live out of town from all relative and always have. The Grandparents are the only ones who ever have remembered any of the kids B'days. We make it special at our house and we were never at the party for any of the other grandchildren. I don't even think anyone knows or cares.

You make her feel special because she is! Plan the day around her. Her favorite foods, a special field trip, a party if you want. They don't have to be there to make her feel special! Just so you know my kids don't really know their cousins and don't have much of a relationship with them since they live far away. My oldest had twins born near her B'day and evrybody celebrated so much when they were little. My oldest never had to see it so it didn't bother her.

I would say something about Mother-in-laws are closer to there daughters and don't take it personally. Ir is just how it is and you cam change it when you have a daughter-in-law.
Have your husband say something since it is his family! then you don't say something you will regret and he know them better than anyone else.

Yoour daughter is special in her way and you can share it with whom ever she wants!
C. B

to this day, my children and my husband matter less to my inlaws than my husbands brother and his kids. I have watched over the years, the pain that they have caused my children and my husband and have wanted numerous times to say something to them, but no matter how many times I have tried to just let it go, it erks me beyond belief. The one time I did say something, I was told that they were that way, because my bro in law and his kids needed more love and attention because the bro in law has diabetes and his childrens mom (bro in laws ex wife) was not a good mom and they needed extra love. I was so furious at how stupid that explanation was that I blew. However in this family it did not change anything. I think you should say something to your family too and let them know the pain it causes, and let them know that the children feel the difference not just you. I hope that your family will open their eyes and realize their mistake. If they don't believe me honey, in the long run they (the family members) only hurt themselves. My son is graduating this year and my daughter is in 2 years and they couldn't care less about them coming and that really bothers them. Plus the kids wont send them pics anymore and they bothers them. I guess it comes down to karma, you and your babies have the good end let the others wait for the end they want. The thing that really gets to them, is that we all live in the same town and function just fine without them. Just love those kids enough for everyone. If you ever need to talk, feel free to get a hold of me and I will help you in any way I can. My email is ____@____.com. Through there I can give you my phone number if you need it. We all need a break.

I have to say the scenario you describe reminds me of a former sister-in-law and how she felt about the birth of my own daughter. She had waited 10 years after getting married to have a child because her husband did not want children, only agreed to one child in order to please her and told her that the baby would be HER baby and he would take no active role with the child. He meant every word of it, sorry to say.

The sister-in-law was herself the youngest of 8 children and grew up believing she had to constantly compete with her siblings for attention. Add in the fact that Grandma was always blatant about showing favoritism, and the youngest grandchild was always the apple of Grandma's eye. Now you understand how important it was to my former sister-in-law to have the youngest grandchild.

But one thing she didn't think about was the age difference between her and me. I was much younger than my husband, hence 12 years younger than her.

My sister-in-law's first two pregnancies ended in miscarriages. A baby, understandably, became even MORE important to her. Sensitive to her keen desire to have a child, and considering that she and I were good friends at the time, I did let her know when my husband and I decided to try for a child of our own. She seemed to handle that news well enough at the time.

Shortly after I told her that, she began her third, and successful, pregnancy. One month before her baby was born, I got pregnant. When her baby was a few weeks old, my pregnancy test was positive. My daughter is 8 months younger than her daughter.

Man, did her attitude toward me ever change the moment I told her I was pregnant. I attributed her horrible reaction to the fact that she was a new mother herself and had many overwhelming life changes to deal with, but I was wrong about that being the reason why she suddenly treated me like dirt. I was very shocked by the horrible things she said about me and my baby. The other family members were very shocked as well. She sent hate letters. She slashed a tire on my car. She came over with a pellet gun and shot out a window. When my daughter was a few weeks old and was sick for the first time (every mother knows how terrifying the first illness is to an inexperienced mother - I was very frightened) my sister-in-law called me to say Grandma had told her my baby was sick and that sister-in-law hoped my baby would die because after all, I only had the child in order to have one younger than hers. Can you believe it?

End of friendship between that sister-in-law and me. Period.

Now, her attitude was extreme and frankly, I look at the whole of it and the whole of the other issues in her life, both then and now, and I suspect she's got some serious mental health issues - but I'm not qualified to judge such a thing.

Here's what I want to say to you, though. Perhaps your sister-in-law didn't choose her birth date for the reasons you believe she did. Can you find a neutral manner to ask how she chose that particular date? Perhaps the fact that her twins get all the attention and your daughter gets none on the shared birthday is because she lives where the rest of the family lives and the family gets to interact with the twins all the time anyway? Does your daughter get even a card or a call from her father's side of the family? Is the family's reaction to your daughter's birthday the same as it is to your other children's birthdays? Is their reaction to her birthday the same as it was before the twins were born? Do the relatives make a great big fuss over going to the twins' birthday party?

maybe you could plan their birthdays together next year, give the family a tase of wat they have been missing out on the other gurl, thing is 7 year old parties are always cooler then a 2 year olds, have fun with it, but work together. if not planb her party on a seperate day. there are ways to work around it with out hurting any feelings or looking like the witch. maybe if you dropped a sentence like, you think you could come to so and so's party this year since you've missed the past two? that might awaken the lightbulb

They are adults and make their own decisions. It does you no good to let it upset you. Just make it a big day with your little family and her friends. They will eventually realize how much they are missing out on. You can't let other people's mistakes get you down. Just live your life the best you can, love them anyway, continue to be the bigger person by still inviting them, but DON"T let them get you down, your daughter will pick up on it and she'll start to not enjoy her birthday either.

Not sure about the family, but did your sil have a choice in the date the babies were born? Our baby was scheduled to be born on our anniversary, and no amount of begging and pleading changed the doctor's mind. Fortunately for me, that ended up also being her general surgery day, and she was too full, so I got moved to a backup date. Again, I had no control over that. Just something to think about. I do understand you frustration since.

She's old enough now that she'll start wanting friends parties instead of family parties. We've had very successful birthday parties at The Little Gym and McDonald's Playland. She'll have fun with her friends and classmates.(McDonalds doesn't take reservations anymore, but we just showed up and bought each kid a happy meal and brought cupcakes.They had a blast playing on the indoor playground together.)

Talk to her grandparents 2-3 weeks before as a reminder...and let em know what your plans are for her birthday and that you're excited for it and that it'd be nice to have them stop by, too or come for dinner the next night. or that your daughter would really appreciate a call or a card from gma. or talk about what your daughter is into lately as far as toys.

Usually when you have twins, you don't get to pick the date for the c-section. There are so many doctors and nurses involved, they pick a day and tell you to be there.

I think you are justified in how you feel. I would be upset too. I have a hard time with my in laws and them treating my kids the same as the rest of the grandkids and it makes me feel bad. Your daughter may not feel the effects now, but she could later. I have grandparents that live in washington and always spent more time and made more effort with the grandkids there and it was hard.I still have a hard time with them and was resentful of them as a teenager. If it is with your husbands family, maybe he could try talking to them first. Your children shouldn't be passed over just because they don't live close to the grandparents. they are just as important. If they are reasonable people, you should be able to tell them how you feel without them getting upset. just stay calm and let them know you do appreciate what they do for you and your children. good luck and I hope all goes well.