How Would You Handle This - 2Nd Grade Girl thing...a Little Long

Well I think maybe you shouldn't be upset about the fact that she spent her money on her...she's right, in her eyes she was being nice. I think instead you should take the approach that although that was a nice thing to do, she needs to wary of trying buy others affections. Of course put it in 2nd grader terms but that's basically what she's doing. The one girl used her and that sucks. Discuss ways to problem solve a situation if her friend or other classmates ask her for her money again. If she wants to give it to them, she can, it's her money, she earned it.

I do not think she should ask for it back, etc. This is a lesson in friendship and "friendship" I think. In the end, I wouldn't be too upset about it, just use it as a learning opportunity!

No, she should NOT give the toy back. What your daughter did was sweet and all she could think of to make ammends for whatever unknown thing she did. You are right in that simply buying a gift for someone isn't a 'fix' but this is a lesson we all learn through trial and error. At this age, it might actually work!

Your daughter has a kind heart and that should be praised and encouraged. You are not your daughter and while I know you have very good and protective intentions, I think you are maybe being a bit too harsh about this and overly involved. I commend your intentions for sure so don't say this as a negative towards you at all.

Your baby is growing up and will learn social things on her own with support and guidance from you. But your role isn't necessarily to decide what those social interactions look like so much as to help your daughter understand them better.

Just my opinion. Your daughter sounds like a sweetie:) I would be very proud of her intentions!

sounds to me as if your daughter is teaching you a good lesson in graciousness and staying out of her bidness.
she's handling a social situation that needs to be worked out. she won't always do it in ways that you would do it, or that you want her to. but she's doing it without drama, and with kindness, and with good intentions.
i'm sad that she's in tears over it, and that you are not only in the middle of her perfectly acceptable handling of the situation, but now you really want to mess her up by making her return the gift.
step back.
you have a smart, good-hearted kid who is obviously introspective enough to pay attention to reactions to her behavior, learn from it, and find solutions. that reflects well on you. now support her and stay out of her way.
khairete
S.

The fact your daughter chose to give her money to the other child was admirable. I think you should have treated as such and let it go. Sure it would've been nice to use for herself but she used it in the way she thought fit and that's what counts.

Of course it bothers you that she is trying to buy another child's affection, and you need to talk to her. But to aks for the toy back seems like you want your child to be more selfish. what bothers you about your child being so unselfish? Look carefully at how you are raising your daughter. You seem very unconcerned with the fact she has trouble relating to her peers, just concerned that she didnt get a toy for herself. Girls buy stuff for friends. I dont know whether this other child is a bully or a child who spends her classroom cash on other children. if she is often a bully it should be reported to teacher. I have taught Kindergarten and first grade for many years and it is not typical to be so "handsy" and grab kids. I apologize if you are already working hard on this and I'm misinterpreting. I dont usually give advice on something that hasnt been asked but it doesnt sound like an immature 2nd grader and I hope you and the teacher are working on her behavior so she can feel confident about making and keeping friends, and never has to hear herself described as mean.

I would let it go. It's "classroom cash" not real cash. Plus it was her cash to spend how she wanted. She did earn it.

You don't know for sure the entire story of this "friendship" but perhaps your daughter was trying to make some sort of amends for their falling out.

As the mom of two girls -- 22 and 13 -- I can tell you that this is just the beginning of your girl problems. It's best to stay out of it when you can and let them figure things out for themselves. It will get more complicated in the future.

It think what your daughter did was sweet. She showed kindness to this other girl. Yes she spent her money, but sometimes we do that to show kindness. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or everybody is going to be upset. Especially if you ask your daughter to get the toy back. I don't see that being a good thing any way you spin it.

Definitely do not make her get the toy back. That will just make matters worse.
Your daughter did a nice thing for someone. It was thoughtful. She shouldn't be in trouble for that. (Not that she is).
Little kids see us giving gifts for things all the time and it's hard for them to understand the concept that we can't "buy" someone's friendship or affection.
I would praise your daughter for wanting to help someone who didn't have enough money for something she really wanted, but the rule from now on is that she is only to spend her class money on herself as a reward for working so hard during the week.
My son and his friends used to buy each other things with their class money all the time and it was never a problem. They'd been friends since kindergarten so they were always giving each other toys or letting a friend borrow something for a week (with parent's permission, of course).

I also think that your daughter should be praised for not hanging on to hurt feelings. She heard someone say she was mean and wanted to show that she isn't. Little kids are often far better at getting past things than we give them credit for. You never know....your daughter and this girl may turn out to be good friends after all.
In my opinion, it's never a "mistake" to show a gesture of kindness.
A little girl in my daughter's class gave her a necklace and I was thinking it looked way too expensive to just be giving away for no reason. I called the mom and sure enough, the little girl didn't have permission to give it as it was a present from her grandmother. We happily gave the necklace back, and my daughter also learned about how it's not always appropriate to accept certain gifts. She did the right thing by showing it to me and we did the right thing by giving it back.
The beanie baby is a bit different though.

I would just let this go. Tell your daughter you are proud of the sweet heart that she has and make sure she understands the rule about spending her class money.

Best wishes.

The real problem is that your dd feels that she can 'buy' a friendship from this girl and the girl led her to feel that she could....NOT that the other little girl didn't earn the money. To me that doesn't even enter into it. (Actually....you are kind of discouraging giving to those that have less than us by teaching her this. I often donate to those who have not 'earned' money....but they need my help so thats why I do it.)

I would definitely NOT make your daughter ask for the toy back. And I would keep my eye on this little girl. It sounds to me like she is a conniver and a bully in the making. She has set her target on your daughter for whatever reason and will probably not stop here. I would set up a mtg with the teacher to tell her what is going on and to ask her to please closely monitor the situation. I just read a very good article on bullying that said how very important it is to catch it at the BEGINNING. It mentioned after a while if the victim does not defend themselves the rest of the kids start to feel that they deserve the treatment. So you need to nip this little girl telling everyone that your daughter is mean in the bud.

If my daughter came and told me she spent her cash on someone else, I would praise her for being very thoughtful. Like, HUGE hug, "WOW SWEETIE THAT WAS SO NICE!!!! I can't believe how generous you were after working so hard, now tell me, What made you think of doing that? What's the story, why didn't she buy it herself?" type thing. Then we could have gotten to the bottom of the rest.

I get what you're saying about the other girl not deserving it and your daughter needing to "not be manipulated by guilt and trying to please people" etc. But in the moment for kids this age, she did a very nice thing and should not have been reprimanded, especially when she gets hassled by other kids already. There is time to direct her in a better manner for the future in a positive way, but not act negatively to how she handled this. It was a very nice thing to do. Teaching her that she should always spend hard earned money on herself and not people who haven't earned it is your choice, but I am impressed she would do this. She did not make a mistake.

I would absolutely not have her take the toy back, I would praise her for what she did and encourage her to earn more money, since life gives back to those who are generous. And for the record, I think paying 2nd graders to be good and having them buy stuff is garbage. Having a child end up using it for generosity is the best way a silly program like this could possibly have been used. Your daughter sounds awesome, her teacher is right, she is caring and kind.

It seems to me your daughter WAS spending the money on herself, trying to win a better opinion of the other girl and increasing her social "cred." That doesn't mean it was the best way to do it, but in that light, it also bought her a learning experience.

Since this was something of a gift, asking for the toy back is probably not cool, in anybody's book. Trying to manage the situation from home is probably only going to complicate matters for your daughter socially. It would be reasonable to tell her teacher what happened, and allow the teacher to determine whether there is a "teachable moment" open for the girls or the class at large. The teacher may also be able to be more aware of potential abuses of this sort in the future.

I'd sure feel sad and upset on my daughter's behalf, too. But other than talking with my daughter about how it affects her and coaching her in finding more effective ways to be seen as a friend, I'd allow this to stand as a life lesson. In the larger scheme of things, it's really not a very expensive one, since your daughter can apparently earn this much classroom cash again in a couple of weeks. It's not the end of the world.

A really wonderful resource for helping children sort out their own issues and finding their own original solutions is the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. You will be glad you have read this book, and so will your daughter.

No to asking for the toy back...no need to cause further conflict. This could turn a little something into a big something if you do that. As a parent, I would make my child return a toy bought by another student if my child came home with one not earned. Not all parents are aware of the classroom system and not all children will tell their parents that someone else actually earned the toy and gave it away. But...I would call and let the teacher know what happened. If it were my classroom, I would have a policy in place that doesn't allow the kids to give away the things they buy from the classroom treasure chest for the reasons you stated. This girl did not earn enough for the beanie and should not end up with one. Perhaps the teacher will mention this the next time they are buying. She probably didn't even know it happened. As far as "buying" the friendship, second graders are best friends one minute and enemies the next. You may want to continue to talk to your daughter about what it means to be a good friend and about personal boundaries (touching etc.). I think it may take a while for her to mature enough to understand. Good luck!

I agree with sandy l. Girls buy stuff for each other all the time. If she asks for the toy back more rumors of her being mean and selfish are going to escalate. It seems like maybe you overreacted at the beginning. I totally agree with you explaining why she shouldn't buy a girl's friendship especially when she's talking behind your daughter's back. Making her get the toy back is going to start up a BAD situation at school. You should be more concerned with the fact that she's having problems at school not relating to the other kids. When I was in high school my best friend would spend her money buying me clothes sometimes from the mall. My parents would buy from the thrift and buy horribly dorky clothes that Id stuff in the back of my closet. I had enough nice clothes not to get picked on and was actually quite popular but my best friend would buy me clothes when we went to the mall, she was very generous... we were like sisters. Her mom owned a ballroom studio and gave her a lot of money for clothes. People may have saw that I was being wrong to her but that was the way we were. When I started working at 16 I bought stuff for her a lot. We just supported each other, my parents were hands-off and her mom was neglectful and blamed her bad marriage on her which was absurd... at one point we were homeless and live at her friend's house and I supported us, then we both supported each other when she got a job... it was an odd friendship but it was like we were sisters

Good for you for reassuring her and such.

I would leave it alone. What is done is done.

No to asking for the toy back. Lesson learned -- Classroom cash should be spent on herself. I wouldn't even bother to explain why. Kids that age are usually satisfied with (and actual crave) simple yes/no rules. Trying to explain that buying friendship is not the best approach is over her head and most likely not how the other little girl even intended.

Your daughter sounds like she has a very good heart (good for you!). The new rule will help her keep it protected from kids whose heart are not quite so tender. And she has a great excuse so this girl doesn't think she is being selfish if she asks for $$$ again because your DD can just say, "My mom says I can't share my classroom cash. Sorry."

They do this is in my daughter's classes as well.... when she was in 2nd and now 3rd Grade.
BUT... the Teacher, clearly tells the kids... NO buying things for other kids, and NO kid is allowed to tell other kids to buy them things.
The Teacher.... makes this a rule.
Otherwise, things like this, with your daughter... will happen.

your daughter sounds really sweet and i bet she's a good kid. No i don't think you should tell her to ask for the toy back, but you can talk to her about how sometimes in life people even some friends will try to take advantage of her kindness. now she really won't understand this until she gets older it took me awhile. but for now you don't want to discourage her good nature. tell her she did a good thing but if that girl would talk about her to someone else she is not a true friend and that means she didn't deserve a gift from her.
i know these are just kids but we have to talk to them early in life because things like this situation will happen alot in life trust me i know and my grandmother talk to me about these things early in my life and they have helped me til this day.

I understand how you feel but I also bet you are very proud of how sensitive and caring your daughter must be. I would not have her ask for the toy back but I would explain that sometimes you can be too nice and people will walk all over you. I also think you asked her the right questions.

It would be a good lesson to your daughter their aren't friends when it comes to money. Your money is your money. We give gift and birthdays and Christmas and that is it. If she is having trouble with friends asking for the toy back will make matter worse. She gave it and shouldn't ask for it back, lesson learned keep your classroom cash for herself. She earned it. Thank her for trying to be a good friend and teach her other ways to do. Luckily she is a good student and will earn more classroom cash to get herself something. It is impressive that she saved the cash up to get $40. She is a saver which is a thing to be. It is a good thing she learn about money, with used the classroom cash and it isn't really money that she is giving away. You should talk to the teacher and tell her what happened and the you and your daughter have talked about it and make sure it doesn't happen again. It should be a class rule, you spent your cash on yourself. Next week other kid might want your daughter to buy them something. By third grade you can't tell much difference between the old and younger kids. She is almost there. Your daughter sounds really sweet, good job for raising a sweetheart!