Hubby's Insensitivity

a lot did fall on my husband the first few days, and he handled it happily because I HAD JUST GIVEN BIRTH! Your husband needs to man up and stop whining like a baby, because he is about to be a father, and yes, that will mean extra work and responsibility for you both. He is the one the extra should fall on, not your mother or a friend, because he is the one who helped to make this baby.

I agree with everything Jen C. said. I actually told my husband he will be doing more of the work than I will because this pregnancy has already been so hard on me and I'm only 2 1/2 months! Your husband should be waiting on you hand and foot, giving you massages and getting your favorite foods. He needs to grow a pair and stop acting so selfish.

well youll be fine he will be too, he is acting like a man, IGNORE HIM, OR tell him if he keeps it up everything will fall on him. us moms naturally do more then dads in the beginning its when kids start to talk, walk, and be able to ACTUALLY PLAY that dads really get involved. atleast it was/is this way with our daughter n her dad.

Moms have had help during and right after birth for thousands of years. I think your husband is NOT playing to your fears and is showing his love by trying to get help for you.

My wife had help with each of our kids at birth and for about 6 weeks afterward. Each of my kids had help when they delivered my grand kids. No problems.

With the first baby, moms are unrealisticly scared. Exmple: First baby: Mom and dad put milk in the bottle after the bottle has been sterilized. The milk is heated so it will be just exactly the right temp. Then a little of the milk is dripped on the mom or dads' arm to verify the temp is just right before giving it to the baby. By the time the third baby comes around the mom grabs a bottle from the dishwasher, fills it with milk from the frig and hands it directly to the baby.

The best way to give your baby a head start is to nurse so they get the colostrum and mom's milk.

ETA: If you want to give your husband a special treat, put your bare tummy against the small of his back (bare also) when the baby kicks. That will allow him to feel the baby kick almost as if the baby is inside him. I didn't figure that out until our 7th child. It remains special to me even today.

Good luck to you and yours.

I don't know about his attitude, but I will say that IMHO it would be best to have your mom come right away. I don't know why you think that you won't be exhausted until 3 weeks in. You'll be exhausted on day 1 from giving birth and it will continue from there considering that you probably won't get more than 3 - 4 hours sleep at one time, if you even get that much.

And, since this is your first baby, you will be surprised how many questions you will have and how comforting it will be to have someone experienced to help you out.

Congrats and best wishes on the birth of your baby!

I'd be really annoyed with his attitude. I remember by husband asking if my mom would come and stay with us when we brought our first home, but I think it was only because he was scared and nervous about making a mistake with the baby-not because he was afraid of extra work.

I hope this isn't a sign that your husband is going to be useless as a father! How is he as a husband? Does he do his share of household jobs, especially if you're still working during the pregnancy?

He sounds just like my ex. What a selfish little snot.

I disagree on not having someone come and help. This is your first baby. You need lessons from a loving family member who has held lots of little ones. Having someone come help with make those first weeks less exhausting and a more enjoyable time.

I'll never forget being stationed in Germany when my first baby came. I felt so alone. I would have given anything to have my mom there to show me what to do when my breasts were too engorged to get baby to latch on (rent a pump from your local LaLeche League to take the edge off).

As for being "safer?" It's not any safer. Everyone just needs to wash their hands before handling baby. Easy.

I do think you need to talk to your husband about his attitude. Do not put up with him talking to you in any way that makes you seem weak. Pregnancy is hard work! You're GROWING a human being!

Congratulations and best of luck.

Congratulations on your first pregnancy! Sounds like you are experiencing the normal physical ups and downs so far.

In regard to the hubby, it does sound like he's being insensitive. However, I do have a few suggestions that might be helpful (full disclosure: I haven't read all of the other responses yet so hopefully it's not duplicative). First, have you tried talking to him to see what his fears, worries or concerns are? Sometimes you think you're disagreeing about one thing but it's really a disagreement over something else. Perhaps he's really worried about how not having help at home might negatively impact his responsibilities at work or ability to wind down from work. Or maybe he's worried about being able to adjust to the lack of sleep, potentially constant-crying, or any post-partum health issues that you might have once the baby arrives. It could be the case that just as a lot of people are probably bending your ear with horror stories, advice, recommendations, etc., he's getting the message from his friends/family that you really need to have someone else there to help out.

Second, maybe a good compromise would be to just have someone come by for a few hours at a time. If Mom/friends aren't able to do it, what about a sister, cousin, aunt, work colleague, or hiring someone? And if you really don't want anyone else caring for your baby, you could hire a housecleaning service to come and clean for you once every few weeks or so, or look into some other services that might make the adjustment easier, like grocery delivery or one of those places that provides a fully-cooked meal for dinner.

I think one of the important things to remember is that your spouse is not the enemy. :) He probably has his blindspots and flaws like any other man, but one of the great things about being a wife is that we can help them navigate around those with the right approach! I wish you all the best as you start on this next wonderful chapter of life.

*sigh* idiot. And I mean him. not you.

If your mom really can't come sooner, you might want to think about *hiring* some help the week before and the 2 weeks after the baby is born (leading up to when your mom gets there). And by that I mean either a cleaning lady or a general "helper" who can come for 2 hours every day or every other day. They can clean, throw in some laundry etc. But then they go away and you guys can have your family time.

It's not really safer for the baby.... I'm not sure why you think that. All your mom has to do is wash her hands. Babies actually need to build up their immunity, so as long as everyone is washing their hands and no one is sick your baby should be fine. By the 2nd week (and I had a c-section) I was already leaving the house with my baby.

I'm going to be honest though....... your husband sounds a lot like my ex-husband. worthless. I couldn't have done it without my mom there because he whined about EVERYTHING... and that was WITH my mom there helping out..... He didn't like the extra laundry, getting up in the middle of the night to go get our daughter because he was going to be tired the next day since HE was working and I wasn't, the meals I'd made and frozen weren't as good as when I was cooking every day. It made me want to scream.

I'm going to also tell you that I cannot stand a guy who is unsympathetic to actual pain. I broke my ankle (pretty bad.... had to have it surgically set) while we were visiting my mom about a year after my daughter was born. He actually said to me a couple days after we got home..... "you should have stayed with your mom and just came home after you got back to normal. She could've taken care of you and our daughter because you're on pain meds and you're still whiny so I'm not sure I can deal".

Notice I said ex.

Now.... for actual constructive advice. Make a list of all the duties that need to get done. He needs to start pitching in now for the extra duties he's going to have for the next 18 years. So, now is a good time to visit the roles and responsibilities you will have now that you are becoming parents. Does he want to do daddy duty while you cook and do dishes.... or would he rather do laundry and vacuum? You're going to have to figure out who is going to do what, because you won't be able to do it all.

Most men can't really relate to the reality of a baby until it comes. My husband didn't seem at all interested until the very end of the pregnancy when he could see baby moving from across the room. When he put his hand on my tummy and felt her moving it was the first time I breathed a sigh of relief that he might actually love our baby. (She's 16 now)

BUT - once she was born he could not take his eyes off her. He fell instantly in love and I was so relieved. But for the first 2 trimesters i was worried if he would love our baby, care about me, etc. I remember even arguing while out at dinner after a childbirth class because he didn't think he could take time off work after the birth and wouldn't even ask! (he eventually did and got the week off afterwards - I couldn't wait for him to go back to work!!!) I think that's why God makes babies look so much like their fathers - it helps them relate...

Don't worry now about how he's going to be once baby arrives. If he's there during the birth he will probably hold you in high esteem afterwards - giving birth can be a tough process and most men come way being amazed at their wife's strength, endurance and fortitude - no matter how selfish & disinterested they seem during the pregnancy. Try to put youyrself in his shoes - if he had a egg sized thing growing in him and you couldn't feel all the other changes in his body you might not be too sympathetic either. (Man I would love to see a man be pregnant for just a few weeks!)

Oh jeez! Grow up mister! I am thinking that because all of this is new to him too that he is nervous as well and him acting like a turd is his way of expressing how nervous he is. I wish he would totally embrace your symptoms! I never had any kind of sickness or issues at all until we got pregnant with number 3-and then I was sick ALL day and exhausted. Rahter than complain my husband was absolutely excited- he said it "felt" like I was really pregnant-he loved it bc then he could help lol. So sweet! Anyways he also doesn't know what to expect-can you guys get the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting"? I also would reccomend a book geared more towards dads because they spell out what the mother is experiencing and why and ways to help ease her discomfort-basically giving the man some empathy by explaining it in a "guy" way. I have one called "Hey! Dad's Pregnant Too"(or something like that). Good luck!
He also is probably feeling left out since all the attention is on you and baby!

this is normal for a man. they will never understand pregnancy.

depending on whether you have a quick and easy vaginal birth... or a rough vaginal birth.. or a c section... you may need more help right after the baby is born. or you might be totally fine.

I woudl get your mom to come right away men do not know how to take care of a baby or a healing new mother. your mother will help you. i dont understand the "safer for the baby" are you concerned about germs??

You have to tell him how you feel! If he asks how you are doing, tell him, "That's nice that you ask, but I don't want to tell you because your reaction makes me feel bad."

His attitude is disgusting and un-called for. Tell him how bad it makes you feel and if he fusses about it, tell him that you see no other way to handle this than to go to counseling.

C., I am so sorry that your husband is putting a black cloud over your pregnancy. He is probably expressing his fears without even knowing it. Does he often act this way, or is it a new behavior? Expressing fear is a healthy thing, but it's never, ever okay to take it out on someone you love. He needs a constructive way to deal with how he is feeling, and the way he is acting now is DE-structive.

As far as when someone comes to help- that is for YOU to decide.

Hugs, C.. Tell that husband of yours to quit cutting you down and to stop worrying about his own comfort. After all, he isn't going to be pushing a giant head out of his vagina!

Edit* This is not normal behavior for a man. It's normal behavior for a selfish idiot. I had the worst pregnancy, birth and recovery imaginable and my husband was a supportive angel. Things were HARD for both of us, but sometimes life is hard and you have to support each other through it. It's part of being a grown up. I hope your husband comes around. I hope your support system extends beyond him!

My thought is that he's scared, plain and simple. And that's OK. Maybe you can think of way to nonchalantly bring this up? Share your own fears? Ask how he's doing with it?

Please relay this message on behalf of all single parents to your husband... "Wuss!"

For my first baby, my parents didn't come until week three or so, and I was so overwhelmed. I had never even held a baby really and had no idea what to do with her, despite my new parents class at the hospital. I really could have used the help. But for my second baby, it fit into their schedule better to come right away, and I was disappointed because I just wanted family time to bond with the baby and help my 2 year old. Either way, any time they come, they'll both be helpful and a little in the way, so be grateful for what you get, but talk to them and your husband about your concerns. And if you didn't know it yet, men are big babies. Nothing brings that out more than a new (real) baby.

your husbands attitude sounds a bit rude, and there may be many different reasons as to why this attitude has come about. Most often, its his way of dealing with something so real and life changing and is his way of expressing his fear of life with baby. Having someone around is not always a bad thing, esp when your a new mother. Obviously having a complete stranger around or someone you are not close to is a dumb and bad idea regardless of it being within the first 3 weeks or not. If your husband is going to be working all day, it wouldnt hurt to have someone around ( such as your mother) to help you out. sometimes having someone around is a good thing. Im sure your husbands attitude will change throughout the stages of the rest of your pregnancy and will change as soon as the baby is born! Its an amazing feeling once your baby is in your arms and not in your belly. Especially for men because they dont go through months of pregnancy and they dont know what it feels like to carry a child. Even though you are the one carrying the child, you still need to be understanding of daddys feelings because this is all new to him too! And getting upset now at 4 months will only become worse. for both of you and your relationship as a couple. you shoud sit down and talk to your husband and reassure him of any fear concerns or feelings he may have too. doing this may help him feel better about it and can help his attitude steer to a more positive one. Having a negative attitude tends to wear on others and maybe he feeling like this because of what you tell him you are feeling. Pregnancy is wonderful thing and of course there are times where you feel uncomfortable but dont let those times outweigh the goodness of it. Good luck to you and daddy to be!

Wow he sounds so unsupportive, selfish and un-empathetic. I'm sorry. How does one change another person's personality? I admit I have felt annoyed at my husband when he is sick and whiny and acts like a big baby. Then I got the sickness next and knew how he felt. I felt embarrassed for the mean thoughts I had in my head when he was sick! But your husband will never know how you are feeling. Just try to enjoy your pregnancy, keep a journal of how you feel, vent to other women friends, join a mom's club, etc. Personally, I LOVE having one of our mom's there right away after both our kids were born. My mom came 4 days later after our son was born. She was there for the birth of our daughter. My husband's mom came right after. Both of them were so helpful, cooking, cleaning, and holding the baby while I showered or whatever. I loved it. Maybe you should give in a little bit and instead of a couple weeks have it be just the 3 of you for one week. I bet part of this is your husband is very nervous and unsure of what to do. It's a big huge change in life and he is feeling it.