Husband and Video Games

L. your husband is out of line and out of control. His gaming shouldn't be coming between him and his family.

A year before I had my three kids I was a 4-8 hour a day gamer. Immediately when I can home from work and huge chunks of the weekend were devoted to my game. My wife was really upset by this and it took us some time to set up a system that worked for the both of us.

I don't know the intricacies of your marriage, but I realized that my marriage was much more important that any game I was playing. If I had to leave the game no one REALLY died, the world didn't REALLY end, and that next LEVEL was still going to be there for me when I could get back. He needs to come to this same conclusion, especially if he is ignoring his children as a result.

My advice for you is to really think about what you want and what you think fair requests to make to him. Write them down. Then do the same thing from his point of view. This will give you a chance to reflect on the situation before you confront him about it.

Next, find some time without the kids and talk to him. It might mean staying up until he is done gaming for the night, but this is important enough to warrant this. Once you have his attention, calmly state (or restate) what is bothering you and what you want. Then tell him exactly what you think is acceptable behavior from him (meaning how much he plays and when). Try and be as non-threatening and understanding as possible, even sympathetic to his position if you can.

Now, if he refuses to budge on his behavior or starts a fight, then I think the two of you would be good candidates for some counseling and you need to tell him that. He needs to understand that his behaviors can ruin your marriage and unless he wants that to happen, then he needs to make some changes.

Good luck. If you think it would help him to hear my perspective, you can share my letter or have him contact me and I will be very honest with him.

My husband is a huge gamer. I've learned to play some of the games and we can play together, which he likes. I also ask him straight out to help. I never ask, "Do you want to help?" Instead, I now say, "I need help right now. Please come and help me."

My husband has helped me learn that he (and most men) prefer straight talk. They don't get hints, suggestions or innuendo. Quite often, men don't see really obvious things - or at least things that are obvious to us. Remember, this is the man who can step over his shoes 13 times and then ask you where his shoes are! They're not trying to be obtuse or rude - they are just wired differently.

So, two things - come straight out and ask him for help, and be willing to let him have some play time. That is his way to relax.

I agree with Chuck K's comment below. If your husband isn't willing to compromise, talk about it, or help when you ask straight out, then you probably do need to talk to a counselor.

Good luck.

my husband is also a big fan of the video games, though i wouldnt say he is as addicted as your husband sounds. what i do with my husband is i ask him if from certain times he would refrain from watching tv, so for example you could ask him from not to play during dinner or an hour and so after that way you can have family time. Then i try really hard not to "nag" him during other times that he is playing. I dont know if this would work at all, but it is worth a shot.

This is a tough one and I don't have experience with this but I'll make a suggestion or two. The xbox is new and still a novelty. They really are sort of interesting and a little addicting. Is it possible for you to learn a game so you can play against each other once in awhile? Have you clocked his time with the xbox vs his time with the family? It might be an eye opener for him and a way to introduce the topic of him limiting his games to certain evenings or weekends or to a set amount of time per day. I have a feeling that eventually the game playing will wear thin.
Good luck, I'm sure you're very frustrated with the situation by now. I hope it gets better for you.

You know that scene in Christmas Story were the leg lamp "accidentally" breaks. I am thinking the Xbox needs to be "accidentally" broken or lost.

Maybe you should have your kids talk to him and explain how much they miss spending time with him. Sometimes when us wives talk it feels like nagging, but if a child has an issue then it is taken to heart.

L. L. L., I know the feeling. You are not alone with that. I know at least three other Wifes with that same problem so much so that it almost ended their marriage. I swear online game playing is an addiction much like drinkin or cigarettes to these men. My cousin had her husband move the game system upstairs so that she could be near him and that the children could play with him.. Does he play games with them at all?? I have limited my husbands game playin. Much like you would a childs. I have even threw away his favorite game before. Shame on me i know. Then he knew i meant business. I would try something of that nature. If hes not willing to give it up. Disconnect the interenet on him. Still not willing then i would say thats a huge problem on his part. Not much else you can do unless you are willing to play with him. Most of are not however, because they play games that do not interest us. He needs to prioritize his game playing and family. If hes not willing then its up to you to do some serious evaluating of your marriage. Sad to say that a video game could be the end of a marriage. But.... The game or you. He needs to make that choice before you have to make it for him.

Been there done that. All you can do is pray that this "phase" ends sometime. My husband's "quality time together" is while I am doing dishes and he is on the computer.

Hi L.,
I had to respond to you because I going through the same thing with my husband. We have been married for almost 3 years
and my husband comes home from work and then right to the computer so he can play his online games. Sometimes it seems like our 16 month old son and I aren't even there. The only good days are the days when the internet is not working right because then magically he pays attention to me and our son. Unfortunatly, I haven't found away to solve the problem either. I've tried to talk to him, which seems to work. But only for a week or two and then back to square one.
S.

I have been going through what you are going through for my whole married life (3 yrs) I also know how you feel we have had many fights about this especially during our first year of marriage. When my husband wants time with me alone I am usually tired from taking care of the children all day and doing house work. Then he wants me at like 2am to snuggle with him most of the time I pretend I am fall asleep. What has helped me out the best is to simply pray for him. Because when he is not playing games on the computer he is doing homework (he's a full-time college student)on the computer or just searching for something on the computer.
Pray that God will continue to bless your husband and let Him know what you are going through ask God to help you through this.

Hi L., Sounds like your hubby needs to put down the games for a little bit. My husband is a gamer, but computer games on line. I have never had a problem with his gaming, BUT he never plays while the kids are awake and we have "date" nights a couple times a week. He has his nights where he can do whatever it is he wants after the kids go to bed and I don't interfere, but I also work out of the house so I'm always working. Let him know that dinner is an absolute MUST with no games or tv and at the dinner table. I would say there is no budging on that issue. Make sure he has time with the kids every night without the games on, even if it is only a half hour. Let him know he is a role model for his boys and daughter. I understand everyone needs some down time away from the stresses of life, but his family also needs him. Try setting up one day a week for maybe an hour that you go over any household issues and finances together. That way he knows when to expect it and will not worry about being confronted everyday? If it is an emergency then still talk about it that day, but for general things leave it for a specified time.

Okay, I've only been married for 4 1/2 years. I had the same problem with my husband. If it wasn't the xbox it was the internet! You have to do something drastic to get his attention. Try sending the kids on an overnight trip with their grandparents. If you can do that, put on something sexy, light some candles, get some toys, massage oils, rose petals on the bed. I am a Pure Romance consultant, I have everything you need to put that spark back in your relationship. Most importantly, get his attention, positively. You could try playing the game with him sometimes too. I hated the xbox at first but I wanted to see why he liked it so much. When he was at work I got some skills playing the game and then played against him and we had a lot of fun. Try to get him to eat with the family first, that it very important. Try not to be too naggy when you talk to him, but you have to try new approaches. Surprise him! If you're interested in Pure Romance, email me , ____@____.com Or if you need some more ideas. good luck.

I feel for you. My husband can play games into the wee hours too, but he very rarely does it. I think there is some great advice from other women here. You will have to be clear and state what the issue is, how it makes you feel, and what you would like to see change. If your husband is not ready to admit the problem, or does not see your point of view, you may need to consider counseling. He sounds like he is denying there is a problem and is focusing on himself to the point of excluding not only you but the kids as well. He may truly be addicted and need help. If he won't consider counseling, go yourself and maybe you can get some strategies to try. The longer he is disconnected from the family, the more damage can occur. I can see how with a new "toy" he might be kind of obsessed with it for a while, but as a wife and as a family you should not have to put up with this kind of behavior for very long. I hope I don't sound rude or preachy, I just feel bad for you having to watch your hubby grow apart from you.

Time to lay down the law your key words I don't ask for much!! Well, he knows that and I have been caught saying it myself, time for you miss lady, I do not like games or computer to play games on,it's not good, I will pray for ya too Happy Day Miss Nancy

Communication is key. I think you need to set some limits, because your husband is acting like a child. Maybe the xbox needs to be put away until he can manage his time better.

I completely understand. My husband's game addiction was worse because it was an online MMORPG ~ you can shut off a 360 but MMORPGs keep going and going whether you're in game or not!! For the first two years he had this game he would go straight to the computer when he got home - and even ignore guests who came to the house since he was busy playing!! He didn't understand that it was a complete obsession! He was missing the first years of his kids! I felt like a single mother and it was awful. I tried refusing to go to bed until he did (usually sleeping on the couch) - that hit him a bit because he doesn't like sleeping without me. I'd tell people about something our kids did and then when he couldn't remember that happening I'd mention he missed it because he was on the game. I told him how much it hurt me because the game was more important to him than we were and a few times asked him how long it would take him to realize we weren't there if we left while he was ingame. Eventually he realized how bad it was and actually left the game for eight months. We moved and started over (unrelated) and even though he started playing again he is much better about spending time with us when he comes home and gets on the game after the kids go to bed - then only stays on an hour or two before he comes to bed with me. We will have been married 6 years this April. Congrats on being together 12 years! That's quite a feat! Basically tell him how you feel and show him the many websites concerning game addiction. RL > game (Real Life is Greater than any Game)

We had the same problem. I finally said since I didn't want the kids playing on school days they were only allowed play on the weekend.To be fair to the kids dad also could not play.During the week it is put away, and it seems to have worked as an out of sight out mind thing. Even now they rarely play on the weekend. We did make a daily family game time (traditional games). They all would rather do that now.No denying the 1st few days were tough, but it was well worth it for us.

Girl, I know how you feel. THROW/GIVE THE DAMN THING AWAY!!! That is my suggestion. (and that is what I did) I gave it to the little boys down the street. My husband was mad for a little while, but he got over it and so will yours.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 7 of them. We have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old. He loves to play video games. He will stop to eat dinner and sometimes our 6 yr old will play with him. I have played some games with him. I have also found games that I like for myself. All I can say is at least he is home and not out up to no good. Be honest with him and straight forward with what you want and things should be ok. And when you want the "alone time" there are ways to get his attention off the game!