Husband Corresponding with Old "Girl" Friend

Weird.
Dated for a couple weeks in mid teens, O. kiss and now he's "alive"--no longer "dead"?
Really?
I think you have MUCH bigger problems than his reconnection with this chick.
Sorry. My .02

I think you should tell him right now that you are not comfortable with this at all. That you lied when you said you could take it. Tell him you are not going to stand by while he rekindles his old feelings for this girl. Tell him that you want him to stop talking to/emailing her immediately. He is a married man, and should act like one.

There's no fool like an old fool.
He's 53, right?
Believe me, he and she are not the same people they were back when they were 15 yrs old.
(Neither are you for that matter.)
If an old boyfriend of mine wrote me a poem for/about me 38 years later it would just be embarrassing.
I'd feel sorry for the old goat and wonder if senility was creeping in a bit on the early side but the absolute LAST thing I'd feel about him was any romantic feelings for him.
Chalk it up as a mid life crisis on his part.
Poems about you are not so nice because you and he have been through thick and thin together - you each know all about each others warts - and you are still together.
That's a deeper, more mature, more established love than any sort of childish puppy love he had when he was a kid.
Feeling insecure about this might be a mid life crisis on your part.
A little more counseling for both of you (together and/or separately) might be a good idea.

Please go get some couples counseling.

You are, admittedly, lying to him. WHY? What could it possibly hurt to say "honey, I love you so much, so yeah, I'm a bit jealous of the heartfelt nostalgia..."...

I am married to a poet. I write poetry myself. That said, we don't get into these sorts of situations because we make good boundaries with those outside of our marriage (this whole ex thing would never have come up) AND we talk to each other about things which are important to us. Even if it meant feeling vulnerable-- or silly-- we can still say to each other "hmmmm. You know, while you say it's just a poem, when I read "xyz", I really felt like you were saying that you were trapped. Tell me about that..."

If you don't want to go to counseling, if you don't want to improve your communication-- what are the other alternatives to finding common ground and rebuilding a sense of intimacy? To me, when someone says "I don't want to do what it takes to rebuild the relationship and I refuse to be honest with my spouse...." I have to say, I think we *don't* have the whole story and that you aren't owning your own stuff in the relationship. Because, really, you are saying you are upset by this, but outwardly, you are giving very conflicting messages: yes, it's okay to be in contact with the ex-girlfriend, (and I need to add, on this site, most women would be elated that their husband said "hey, an ex got in contact with me, what do you think?" because that IS a sign of honesty and communication). You are telling him that he can write poems about her but then you don't like what the poetry has to say.

Think about it! A LOT of crazymaking is going on between the two of you because you are afraid to be honest with him.

If you don't want to go to couples counseling with him, go for yourself. Find out why you feel the need to acquiesce when you really don't want to . Find out what you can do to let go of past hurts and move forward. Maybe you want to do that with him or without him- I don't know and not my business. But you need to address this tendency of being dishonest and hiding your feelings, or it will also sour your relationships with other family members and those around you. No one likes a 'resentful yes' -- it's better to give an honest "no" than to pretend that you are okay with something when it's pretty clear he's said that it's alright if you aren't okay with it. He gave you an out early on... what more are you wanting? Very confusing to me and I'm not the one married to you...

And for what it's worth, I don't give him a pass for possibly having an emotional affair. But what I have seen from your post is that he has tried to get your attention and seems to be getting zilch. Sometimes, married people do outrageous things to get their spouses attention (subconciously), and the sad thing is that the stupid thing they do (such as what is going on now) ends up being the event everyone focuses on instead of that event being perceived as a symptom of a bigger problem. It's like focusing on the dirty windows when the house has big cracks in the foundation.

An old friend from school just sent me a note just last week on Facebook telling me he had a crush on me in High school. I had no idea, but the first thing I did was share it with my husband. It was cute. It was flattering. It was 30 years ago. If I had thought he was going to be suspicious or nasty about it, I would have not trusted his response and been less willing to share it, which only would have harmed both of us in the long run. You know what he said? I don't blame him! You were a real cutie back then. And now!

I think you are feeling insecure because you feel your marriage isn't strong. Showing him trust will help strengthen your marriage. By including you, he's earned it. Don't make him regret that open honesty. In the meantime, commit to strengthening what you have and appreciating how he's included you.

Have you always expected him to read your mind? That can be a real drag on a marriage.

You are creating all the issues and I really feel sorry for your husband.

You feel he doesn't care about your feelings but heck if you care about his. He is trying to find the words to explain himself and all you are doing is picking it apart saying it isn't true or whatever.

If my husband constantly diminished my feelings I would feel pretty dead in the marriage too. What is the point of communicating when your spouse only hears what they want to hear. I can only assume his old friend actually listens to him.

He's not hiding things from you, so I doubt that he's considering an affair.

As for the poetry, as a poet myself, I can tell you a few things about it. One - the word "I" in a poem doesn't necessarily refer to the writer. Sometimes it's a literary device. Two - because a certain person inspires a poem doesn't mean that every line of the poem accurately describes the poet's true feelings about that person. I could write a poem "about" my daughter, but it might actually be expressive of my feelings about children in general. Three - emotion in poetry is always exaggerated. That's what poetry is - a magnifier of emotion. Otherwise, it's just purple prose.

You both need to learn a new way on how to communicate with each other. After being married for so many years, couples need to learn to reconnect. Like a refresher for your relationship.

You seem to have a lot of feelings you are not willing/able to share with your husband. And he has a lot of feelings he wants to share, but you say "He is more romantic and I am more practical." Maybe you want to change yourself so that he can be more romantic with you?

We can take our spouses for granted. You are very fortunate to have a man that likes to write poems, Who can express himself, but you maybe have put out the energy that you do not appreciate that part of him, until he found someone else who does appreciates it.

Almost like a child who does not play with her toys until another child comes along and plays with your toys, all of a sudden you realize he is special and you do still want him.

The other thing that totally jumped out at me is " We are going on 16 years of marriage (first for both of us)."
Usually people say, "We have been married 16 years."

Because we do not expect for there to be any other marriage in the future. Does this make sense? It is just not a part of our thoughts that there will be more marriages in the future.

I think you have changed over the years. You used to think you were not romantic, but maybe you have changed and are now ready to be more romantic? There is nothing wrong with admitting you are realizing he IS special, he is worth keeping.

My suggestion? Marriage counseling. It is not just for couples on the verge of breaking up, it is a good way to learn to communicate, to discuss who you want to be going forward with your marriage. A time to renegotiate your commitment and what you are willing to do to make this marriage work and be better.

When my husband and I married, we were young. 20 years old. By the time we were 25, we each had changed. At 30 we had a child and changed again. Once our daughter was about to graduate and we were about to be alone again as a couple, we adjusted again.

We used to fight for what we each wanted. We fought to be the one that was right. We fought to get our way. But over time, we learned that each of us was an individual with our own goals as WELL as being a couple.
We admitted our mistakes, our weaknesses and we still admitted we loved each other regardless. No grudges, no I told you so.. etc..

We also learned to ask each other for help and forgiveness. We also know that we are allowed to have different opinions from each other. We respect that.

You need to allow yourself to be honest and allow him to be who he is. Let him love and adore you. Let him know you used to not appreciate his poems and whatever else, but now you realize how lucky you are to have him as your husband. And then show him. Prove it to him, by telling him, you trust him, because he is a good man and a good father.

And when he asks you a question, answer it truthfully the first time.
This time, you will need to go back and say, "Now that I have thought about it. It really hurt my feelings that you wrote the poem for the old girlfriend, I know that I have not appreciated you in the past, but I am going to work on that."

You two can do this, you just need to let hi know.

I'm friendly with a guy I knew in high school - we didn't really date much although he did take me to a dance or two. However, we don't write poems to each other and my husband has met him. We don't see each other a lot - we did go to lunch with some other friends from high school one time. My husband was fine with it.

It's easy, however, for many people to look back on the days of their youth and get a romantic feeling about how easy and fun it was, before adult responsibilities and real life got in the way. That's the danger. Your husband is romantic, you say, and you are not. So he's more likely to think back nostalgically on those days, and this woman may be doing the same.

You've also told him that you don't want to read these things - which he may take you mean you are not interested, you don't think anyone else could find him attractive, and you wouldn't mind losing him. He also has tried to express his feelings and he took your reaction to mean you didn't care. So you two have a significant communication problem, which you admit. You say you don't have a strong bond, but then something can come along and interrupt your closeness.

It sounds like you two don't really know how to talk to each other, and that maybe you view the absence of open conflict as being a sign of marital solidity. Part of marriage is knowing how to "fight fair" - to disagree without hurting the other. Sounds like that's a good place for your counseling to resume.

If you aren't meant for each other and it can't be worked out, then at least learn how to separate "properly" and build some skills for the future. Sixteen years is a long investment and not one that should be tossed away because neither one wants to make the effort. Small jealousies shouldn't break something up this easily.

You specifically stated "there are so many unresolved issues and hurt feelings that it's hard for me to just "accept that he's a poet and that this is how he expresses himself".

I believe he is trying to communicate with you and his telling you about the situation with the "old friend", should indicate he is not trying to do anything behind your back. You indicated also that you don't want counseling, so sounds like you are ready to cave in and call it quits. UN-resolved issues.........well they will still be there if you don't work on "resolving".

Not sure how "practical" you really are? Not saying that only you are to blame, I'm sure there are two sides, sounds like these issues have been festering for a long time. Unless you want to work on it, my guess is your marriage is in jeopardy.

I really think you should go to a marriage counselor with him and talk this through. Also bring up that he has gotten irritated with you for trying to talk about it.

He's having an emotional affair. He's not hiding it from you either. This is fast and furious.

Pick a different counselor if the last one didn't help. You actually have a really good handle on what is going on here. If you feel that you have trouble talking it through, WRITE it like you have here and read it out loud to the counselor in front of your husband.

why don't you guys find another form of communication. maybe you both can write poems to each other to express your feelings. then discuss how you felt writing them

maybe he's not connecting with you emotionally, which would be very frustrating for anyone. so now he has found someone who appreciates his "romantic" side. he doesn't realize he's having an emotional affair because he's letting you in on it. i really don't think he's doing this on purpose!!!!

i'm a lot like you and my husband is a lot like your husband. i have a real hard time being romantic. my husband told me it's very important to him that i be more romantic. it is and will always be a challenge for me BUT i need to do it for him, and i have. sometimes i put a reminder on my phone to just a sweet text in the middle of the day. i cannot believe how much he likes this. i've done a good job about being the first to reach out and hold his hand, he gets giddy like a school boy. this is on you, you know your husband is romantic and you are not doing anything to fill his needs.

you are holding on to the past and not able to heal from it. has he given you a sincere apology for the past hurtful words? if he has then you have to find something to make peace within yourself; it's not fair to either of you to hold onto the past.

next time he asks if your ok with it, be honest!!!!

just by your words of "not really wanting to go back" shows me that you are very very stubborn, and this may be more your issues getting in the way of happiness in your marriage and your life. stay in counseling, you two really need it; try to go once a week, maybe even go by yourself to work out how not to be so stubborn.

you are holding on to so much anger, hurt all because you are stubborn.

hard to say, really. there are a few different things going on.
on the surface, contact with a girlfriend that casual from that long ago isn't a big deal. they barely knew each other. they're not remotely the same people now they were then.
he's been completely upfront with you about it. speaks well for him. and your lack of need to see the emails sounds on the surface as if you're confident and not clingy.
but then the poem thing is weird. it's almost as if he's trying to figure out a way to communicate with you but doesn't know how. could that be the case? i mean, writing a poem about another woman (a little odd under any circumstances) and then asking his wife if she's okay with it? it's 'honest' for sure, but odd. and i don't know why you'd lie. it rarely makes sense anyway, and certainly not under these circumstances. he's clearly trying to open a door, so why slam it shut?
him trying to share this with you, then getting angry with you for not accepting it the way he'd hoped, could be a real attempt on his part to connect with his wife, a desperate reaching-out before it's too late. or it could be passive-aggressive manipulation, a way to get under your skin and make it all your own fault.
if you're not willing to go to counseling, i can't see how you will work through it. you've got 16 years in and you guys still don't communicate well. are you ready to throw in the towel? if not, what do you plan to do OTHER than counseling to work through this?
khairete
S.

You lied about something he asked you about. That was your chance to tell him your feelings but instead you chose to lie. Might as well be on your way, allow him to speak with whomever he desires and write poetry about whomever as well. If you aren't willing to work on your marriage then it's over. Let him go, let yourself be happy and get on with life.

You need to be his first priority, and he needs to be yours. If you focus on that, the marriage will succeed. If not, well, there will be unpleasant consequences.

The other woman is a cue that there is bad communication in your marriage, and you guys needs to fix that if the marriage is going to succeed. Time for a shake-up in your routine. That's what worked for us. But the key is to be focused on each other, not to be selfish (his lesson more than yours, but a good lesson to learn, nonetheless).

I just wanted to add something in response to this: "He is more romantic and I am more practical."

The "this is just the way I am and others need to get over it" attitude doesn't exactly mesh up with marriage. Marriage is about sacrifice. If you want him to meet your emotional needs, you need to step up and meet his. You've identified that he's romantic....is it really so hard to step up and give a bit of romance every so often in order to bring happiness and joy into your marriage? I know for me it brings me such joy to see my husband happy, even if I have to do something that isn't really my thing.

If you want to bridge this gap between you and your husband, you're going to need to step towards him, not away.

Really, if you think about it, being more romantic is actually the practical thing to do in this situation.

Hi doll.

So sorry to hear about your troubles...

I am glad you guys had a heart to heart, that is always the best way to resolve any marital issues...

I would just like to add a thought... When your partner does/says (or in your case writes) something that you take offense to, clear your mind and ask yourself, will this still really matter in a day, a week, or a year... If the answer is no, LET IT GO. Do not hold onto any resentment and use it in a later fight, make the concious choice to just let go... If in fact you feel that it will still matter, calmly just explain what your partner did wrong and how it makes/made you feel...
When you wrote a poem about X, I felt hurt and unloved.
Then leave it. If he asks you why, how or what he can do about it, then you guys can have a heart to heart. If he doesn't immediately respond, don't loose heart, as he might also need time to process what you have mentioned.

Good luck and God bless...

Quiet observer, she didn't really lie when he asked her if it was okay. She just gave an excited utterance. If given a clue, she would have immediately said, no.

I hate how exes think they still can play a role. No one I date would ever think I'd be okay with such.

I wouldn't think this reconnection with the other lady will last, but it is a sign that you still haven't worked it out very well yourselves.

I would probably still keep trying to work on it. ther are going to be ups and downs all the time but you need the skills to ride through it.

Okay - here's what I take away from this.

1. You and your husband have been married and not happily. So I question - are you staying married for the kids?

2. You are upset that he is communicating with a girlfriend he had for a whopping 2 weeks and kissed....I get it. But I think he's being nostalgic for a brief moment in time.

a. Yes, I would be hurt reading a poem from my husband to another W. that told him he was now alive...yes. that would upset me.

3. You and your husband do NOT know how to communicate effectively with each other...I'm sorry. But that's what I see. You stated that he got irritated because he sees that all you care about is YOUR happiness. Yet, he can't see how his words to some girl from 30 years ago would hurt you.

So WHY have you stayed married? You've tried counseling and you don't want to invest in it again. Why? Are you ready to throw in the towel? Do you feel that you have given all to your marriage? Has your husband?

What do you want to happen?
Do you honestly feel he's gonna go hop on a plane and meet this W.? I can tell you that reality will be different from his nostalgia. She won't be the same girl he remembers...and he won't be the same boy she remembers...

Words are soo very powerful... as you have personally experienced. When we say things in the heat of anger...doesn't matter how many times we say "I'm sorry" or "I didn't mean it" - they rattle around the person's head...

You need to make a decision to let the hurt go. It's hard. It's NOT easy. But you are holding yourself and your marriage back by holding on to the anger and hurt you feel. You need to clear the air once and for all with your husband. You need to tell him how hurt you are...heck...write the words on a piece of paper that he said that STILL HURT YOU TODAY...and show them to him...now...crumple it up...now...have him say I'm sorry to the paper...do the words magically disappear? Nope. They don't. Maybe that will help him understand the power of words...he's a poet...that should hit home with him.

Figure out why you have stayed.
Figure out why you want to leave.
I strongly suggest you go to counseling. You do NOT want to carry this anger to your next relationship and will not allow you to communicate with him to be able to effectively co-parent should you choose to divorce.

Good luck!