Husband Does Not Want Third Child - May End Our Marriage

I would wait to really even talk about it much until you begin couseling. The counselor can help you think about things together and come up with a solution that you both will be comfortable with. YOu don't want to fight about it every day in the meantime. Neither of you want to end up making a decision you will regret forever or end up resenting each other. Let a professional help you through this. Good luck to you.

Do not end the pregnancy! That is so ridiculous! I know the economy is bad right now, we are pregnant with our third, it was not exactly planned, and I get depressed and worried about finances, but the baby you have in you is a blessing, whether or not you and your husband feel it right now! I am sure your husband is just worried and upset at the surprise, but he will probally get over it. And, why would he leave you and your kids? Is he a "good" man? Does he take care of you and your children? If you two have a relativly good marriage otherwise, I don't think he would leave you. I will pray for you and your family, please, do not end the pregnancy!

I just wanted to send an e-mail of support. I can't imagine, thankfully, being in this position but certainly can understand how this can affect families. I do hope that you and your husband can find a way to make this work. Maybe after the shock wears off, both you and your hubby will come to embrace what's happening. I mean, if your hubby is stressed about providing for 2 kids, I can understand his deer-in-the-headlights reaction to a 3rd. I hope against hope that this is the case and that you guys find a way to embrace this. Would you ever consider adoption? If so, I know of a couple of great families that are looking for a healthy baby to provide a loving and nuturing home to. One of them can't have any children and the other has 2 kids but can't have a 3rd that they desperately want.

I hope that this helps and that you guys can work this out but wanted to also give you something else to consider.

Kind regards,
N.

I spent the last fifteen years trying to have a baby with my husband who helped me raise my two children from a first marriage. I am a survivor of uterine cancer five months now. Which means I will never have a chance to have another baby and will wonder why. I have spent years crying over negative pregnancy tests and wishing I could have more children. I have worked in schools for years watching young people get pregnant who cannot afford them. I do not understand how anyone could not want their child. Or not want children at all. My 42 year old sister in law recently had a baby and she died last month at fifteen days. It was a much wanted baby. I cannot say anything other than I am shocked and saddened and jealous and wondering why the two of you couldn't celebrate having this wonderful gift from God.

{{{{HUGS}}}} I hope that counseling helps. I don't know what to tell you, but here is my story:

My husband and I were both surprised to find out I was pregnant with our third. He did NOT ask me to get an abortion (it was implied), but he didn't want a third baby. Well, I told him he should have gotten a vasectomy after our 2nd was born! I had told him that if we had unprotected sex, I could get pregnant. I had just gone off the pill because it wasn't working. I'd get my period in the middle of my cycle, which was frustating to me. My second pregnancy must have thrown my system out of whack. I was so exhausted from caring for our two daughters and working part time, I went to see the doctor. The doctor recommended a pregnancy test, and when it was positive, I asked her, "How did THAT happen?"

Husband was very angry with me for a few months (but he was just as responsible for the pregnancy as I was), but at an ultrasound, started to get excited about another girl. We knew money would be tight and that I'd have to quit my part time job after she was born. We had about 7 months to save a little money and come up with a plan about what we were going to do once I quit my job.

After she was born, my husband was super stressed and it didn't help that I was dealing with some medical issues that were made worse by the pregnancy and labor. He was worried about me and he didn't think he could be the sole supporter of the family. We would argue about everything except what was bothering him. I finally had him see his doctor to get an anti-anxiety or anti-depressent. He took the meds for about 4 months and then weaned himself off of them. He saw that the world didn't end and we didn't lose our house or file for bankruptcy. He also got a vasectomy.

Fast forward 7 years and our 3rd is such a joy and blessing. We cannot imagine our family without her.

When we were going through the decisions of how to add to our family, we considered adoption. We found out most children put up for adoption are not from teenage mothers...they are from women in their 30's who have several children already and just can't support another child.

We would've loved an open adoption, with our child knowing her birth mother. However, if was too iffy at the time so we ended up going the foreign adoption route.

Counseling will help you with whatever decision you go with - dealing with all the hormones right now probably isn't helping either.

Good luck -

I am in shock reading this, I don't understand how a husband can ask such a thing to his wife. I'm not married but I've been with the same man for over 8 years, we have 3 children, and my third was a huge surprise. We both felt we were not ready for another so soon, my second child was 5 months old, but we accepted the fact that we were going to struggle for a while longer. I believe I was the one who reacted to my pregnancy the worst I was very depressed for the first half my pregnancy. I had a change of heart when I went in the hospital for bleeding, I thought that I would rather have my child than to have them pass away. I had the baby and my boyfriend I are happy with our son even if we are struggling financially, and we were struggling to begin with.

This is both your child and his, if he truly loves you he will end up accepting the fact that you are having another child. He doesn't have a reason to leave you it's not like the baby is somebody else's.

People who go through with the abortion always end up split in the end. I can't remember where the statistics came from, Priests for Life, I believe. Have you pondered adoption? It might be a solution. People are so eager for a healthy American baby, you might find a win-win there. My sister gave a baby up in an open adoption so her daughter will eventually be a part of our lives later, if she chooses to do so.

This may just be a shocker that will pass, but I believe you are correct that you'll end up resenting your spouse - also, look into something called post-abortive stress disorder, abortion causes some very serious health issues for women, not the least of which is vastly-increased risk of breast cancer. It is a very real threat to women's health and well being and I have seen up-close and personally what having abortions does to women. Look into it, http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ this is a great site for the counseling they do to help women after they've had an abortion. Look & see what they have to say about this. I don't mean this as a lecture but as a warning that abortion is harmful to women & deadly to babies.

I mean this, if I can help, drop me a line. I may be able to help you find adoption resources.

Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
D.

I don't envy the situation you're in, it isn't easy. If I can help, please drop me a line. I'm serious. I will help if I am able.

Oh, no. I feel for your poor husband, too - it's a terrible time for some people in the economy, and fathers tend to feel the weight of financial pressure more than we moms do. I love babies and love my kids, but an unplanned pregnancy would be really scary for our finances. I really sympathize with both of you.

I am pro-choice, but I don't think you can end a pregnancy that you want without it putting a wedge in your marriage. How can that not be something you will hold against him?

I have not been in your situation, but I know someone who had a similar sort of thing happen. She had a miscarriage before they really had a chance to get used to the idea of the pregnancy, though. She was relieved.

I think you should take a week where you do not discuss it. Let your husband come to term with it in his own way and time, without making him talk about it. You may find that when he gets used to the idea he will have a different opinion. Best wishes to your family.

I have not been through this personally, however I have know a few people who have. Do what is right for you. There are many options including adoption (which certainly would be more complicated but still an option)I feel that your husband will relax once he warms up to the idea of a new child. This happened to one of my co-workers, her hubby wanted her to have an abortion as well (she did not) they now have 3 healthy children.You can not change the fact that you are pregnant. Remember and remind him it takes two to have a baby. If you two really feel that you can not take care of this new baby, then maybe someone else can have the opportunity to be a mom? Or you and your husband will have a 3 child?
It is your body. You have to do what you feel is right. The term "god only gives us what we can handle" is very true for my family. Good luck with your decision, I am sure you will make the right one for you.

HI M.,

I found out I was pregnant days before my second child's 1 st birthday. Not only was I prego, but 5 months prego. Needless to say we were shocked especially since I was on the pill and nursing. I didn't want a third at all and I didn't want a boy. My husband was happy and after time I came to terms with it. The year after he was born, we lost both grandpa's within months. He looks like one and carries the others name on. So now I get it, there is a reason for everything. I can't imagine my life without my beautiful boy. Sure it was tough, we were living in a 2 bedroom townhouse, had to quickly find a house that we could afford which was very scary. And the month before all this, my hubby found out he was diabetic, so our life was really turned upside down. We moved a month before our son was born and the following week, my hubby got snipped. His procrastination led to our situation. But again I believe it was all for a reason to get us where we belonged. We have a wonderful house that we love, neighbors that we adore and a great school 2 blocks away. I truly feel that we are blessed. I know it is hard right now to think about what is ahead of you, but it will be worth it in the end. Honestly I don't know how I got through that first year, but we did it and wouldn't have changed it for anything.

good luck

I also was mom to 2 boys when I found I was expecting my third. I broke down because I was afraid I couldnt handle the stress of parenting one more child. I found help with a good counselor. Eventually I was able to accept the surprise for the blessing it is. Yes, it was stressful but 18 years later I dont regret a moment of it.
The news is so fresh you are probably both reacting in shock. Cut each other some slack while you find a good therapist. (I know of a great one on Chicago's north side.)
The media plays a huge part in convincing people that abortion is a 'simple' solution to unplanned pregnancy. I can't count the number of times a women has consulted with me for help with one issue and it ends up the result of the emotional pain of experiencing an abortion. I believe if your husband truly understood the emotional consequences he would not ask this of you.

**I am sorry to hear that you lost your baby, but I believe it is just evidence that God is looking out for you and will not give you more than you can handle. I believe due to the circumstances of your marriage it is prudent to try to avoid conception at this time. My husband and I use Natural Family Planning, and have tremendous success with it--conceiving when we want to, and avoiding conception when we are not ready for another baby. I highly recommend looking into it. Couples who practice NFP (as opposed to condoms and the Pill) have less than a 5% divorce rate!! **

I know you are not asking for opinions from those who have not been in your position, but I wanted to give you some encouragement.

My parents had 5 children and we lived on VERY little income. I knew things were tight, but I never realized we were POOR until I went away to college and saw what other people had. My father and mother were also scared to death of providing for all of us, but somehow, they always managed to pay the mortgage, electricity, gas, water, garbage, and phone bills, and we were never hungry. Maybe we didn't really go out very often as a family, and we wore quite a few hand-me-downs, and never had a car less than 10 years old, but somehow we didn't care and had a very happy home life. Are there some areas of your spending that you can cut back on? I know it's tough--we like to give our kids the best toys, games, food, clothes, education, etc that we can, but above all, we must give them the gift of life.

In the past week 2 of my dearest friends' lives have changed forever. One friend and her hubby adopted a newborn baby boy last week, after struggling with infertility. The birth mother had 3 children already and like you and your husband, did not think she could afford another child. My other friend and his wife lost their baby--the wife became preeclamptic at 22 weeks and they had to deliver the baby. The baby lived only overnight--long enough for his parents to hold him. They are completely heartbroken over the loss of their son. My heart aches for them, especially when I hear of situations like yours where this precious gift of life is hanging in the balance.

How is your marriage otherwise? I read a few of your other postings and it led me to believe that your marriage may have other difficulties. Please do not let your husband do this to you and your baby. You have to be the defender of your baby, first and foremost. I do expect that if you allow him to coerce you into having an abortion it WILL wreck your marriage, in addition to killing your child.

I hope and pray that your husband will come to his senses before too long.

M. S
When I found out I was prego with number 4 and number 3 was 9 months old and told my hubby he was like this is great and I was like are you crazy? We did struggle and fight more. But if anything is worth doing like adding to a family and working out differences and staying married even when it is really hard then you do it and your family will be stronger and bigger because it. 7 years later and a number five added to our family we are doing ok and with things will be as they should. Good luck to you and trust yourself.
J. O

Hi M. S,
Praying for you and your family. I am a mom of 4 boys and beleive it or not only 1 was planned. My husband was also not happy with the idea of the 1st and third....I totaly agree with the Mom that suggested to not talk about it for a bit and let him get used to the idea. Men do deal with things diffrently and do have the financial burden on their minds in a diffrent way than we do...also they miss that alone time with their wives and see that children especailly when they are babies come before them...try and spend some alone time together and reinforce the two of you...and your children are a result-gift of that love. Children are a gift from God...When I was expecting my 4th my husband adjusted quicker to the news than I did. What in life is really goes as planned? I would assume that since you didn't go through with getting one of you fixed that door was left open for a reason! Take a deep breath and get some rest....!!! Also let me tell you....the third made almost no diffrence it actually was easier than just the two! Just more laundry! Hand me downs have worked terrific too! With 3 they always have a play mate and love to help!
I saw a cool video - regarding President Obama...did you know his mom was considering abortion...Just think who your baby could be!!! I'm praying for you and that little baby!