Husband Doesn't Want More Kids

I'm a husband in a similar situation, so I have a little different perspective than the wives who have responded. I was the one who wanted kids in the first place, and my wife didn't. After she got pregnant accidentally when she was 39, she said she was going to get an abortion. I was against it, and told her so (not on moral grounds, but because I wanted a child), but I told her it was her decision. I was thrilled when she decided to go ahead with the birth.
Now we are both absolutely amazed and thrilled at having such a wonderful person in our lives. I am so happy with this kid that I retired in order to spend as much time as I could with him. (We could afford it, and I gave up a great career.)
However, every day I hear complaints about how difficult our son is being, (when his behavior is simply typical for his age), and how difficult it is to be around him. Well, I'm around him just as much, but I think I have better parenting skills. I don't yell at him the way she does, but he cooperates with me a lot more than he does with her.

I am afraid that adding a kid to the equation would not be a wise choice. I have told my wife that if she stops complaining about how difficult it is to take care of a kid, I would pay more attention to her plea for another one. Nevertheless, her complaints continue, whether our son is present or not.

I love being with him, playing with him, taking him everywhere, carrying him, bathing him, cooking for him and with him, listening carefully and talking with him through crises, walking him to and from morning pre-school every day, meeting with his teachers, getting together with his cousins, discovering caterpillars, museums, drainage systems, construction sites, swimming together, building things together, playing music together, finding real restaurants that he likes, reading books with him everywhere we go...
My wife treats our son alternately like he's the greatest, then turns on him and shoos him away. Sometimes she actually hits him or shoves him, and I object. She promises never to do it again, but she does... over and over.
And no matter which way she's treating him, she treats me like I'm part of the woodwork, and treats our toy poodle like a queen. Our son has been hostile to the dog as a result of his mother doting on her. And if that's the dynamic between the two 'kids' we already have, why wouldn't it be the same or worse with another human one?

I love my own relationship with our son. I think my wife's is problematic. I think my relationship with my wife has deteriorated and needs repair. I think that adding another person to the family would make things more complicated.

I'm the dad so I do all the physical stuff—playground, sports, carrying him, household gymnastics. My wife and I both get tired and we're not getting younger. Why push beyond our limits?
I want to make sure our son gets the amount and kind of attention from us that he needs and deserves.

M., I'm not saying any of this applies to your situation, but I thought I'd share my own perspective.
So, knowing where I'm coming from, it is natural that I would raise the following questions:

1. Are you asking yourself what it is that you're already demanding/assuming/asking of your husband, and what he believes will change with the addition of another child?

2. Are you treating him as a full partner and working to maintain your relationship with him?

3. How is your love life with him these days? Do you get all your lovey doveys from your daughters and leave him out? Is sex something you pursue, merely tolerate, or use as power over him? Simply because you love him? Or want only for making more babies? Or are you too tired from taking care of the kids you already have?

4. Is it easy for your husband to give your daughters the amount and kind of attention that he believes they need? Or is he already struggling as things now stand? Does he feel confident, competent and comfortable as a father? Are you facilitating these feelings?

5. Does he feel deep down that he's a good provider? Will a new addition strain your finances? Does he feel secure and rewarded in his career? Do you care?

6. Are you supportive of him and the goals that he has? Do you know what they are?

7. Can the two of you talk things through, listening, really listening and learning from each other? Okay, so, no—you're barely speaking—is the emotional attachment to your goal so strong that you are only sending and not receiving any messages? You said that it's a hugely emotional issue for you and matter of fact for him. Are you willing to try telling him in his own matter of fact language why it's important for you to feel that your family is complete? Can you spend some time figuring out how to articulate why you feel your family is incomplete? Or why it's impossible to articulate?
Would it be easier for you to write it out and show him what you've written?
Are you willing to listen to his matter of fact language and find the feelings buried in it? Do you care about him and his feelings (buried somewhere in the matter of fact language) enough so that you can give him the gift of letting him talk, letting it sink in, pondering it, nodding your head, really thinking about it, really thinking about it some more, and not have a comeback?
And, I mean, really thinking about it?
We men are suckers for gifts like that.

You want your husband to make you happy. And I'll bet he actually wants you to be happy, but perhaps not at the cost of his own happiness. And really, that makes good sense. If he were to accept the responsibility, inconvenience, expense, risk, work, and (be honest) sheer exhaustion of raising an additional child, but without enthusiasm or acknowledgement of his own needs, that wouldn't bode well for the future of your family.

Try to go here: What if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your husband pressuring you to have another child you don't want? Even if it were adoption, without the physical discomforts of pregnancy and labor, that your husband wanted, can you imagine what a demand like that would cost you?

Do you want his happiness, too? Babies are not "favors," but the structure here is that you want your husband to do this favor for you. Not healthy.

A really hard lesson I've had to learn: Other people can't make me happy. My circumstances can't make me happy. Only how I think can make me happy, and I have some control over that. I can allow myself to slide into "lifelong resentment" and make myself and my family life miserable. Or I can choose to notice how many blessings already surround me.

Notice how fantastic your life and your two daughters already are. Sink into it, relish it, delight in it. If you can let go of ideas about the completeness of your family, even just set them aside for a bit, you may discover that you are flooded with gratitude. Don't block that!

And living in joy and gratitude bears fruit. As other responders have noted, a change in you could even bring a change in your husband's resistance. But don't do it for that. Do it for the well-being of yourself and your family. Model for your little girls what being an emotionally healthy grownup looks like!

Blessings to you all.

Hi M.,

I wanted to have a third child. We have 2 boys and I had always wanted a daughter. My husband didn't want me to go through another difficult pregnancy even though I was willing. He also didn't want to go through the baby stage again. It was hard to give up on the dream of a daugther.

Even though I was really upset, I was also grateful that my husband was willing to be honest about his feelings. I was finally able to focus on what we do have -- 2 amazing sons and a loving family. My sons are now 18 and 21 and I have no regrets, only wonderful memories. I've come to realize that it wouldn't have been right for my husband to agree to have another child just to make me happy. Having another child is a huge commitment and responsibility for both parents. It's a choice that both parents must agree on.

It may help to look at why you want another child so much. Do you feel it will fulfill some need for you?

I would encourage you to love and accept what you do have -- 2 incredible daughters and a loving, honest husband. If you let yourself focus on your husband and daughters and really cherish and enjoy your time with them, I'm hoping you'll discover, like I did, that all you need is already there for you.

You and your family will be in my prayers. K.

You have so many posts here, clearly its an emotional issue. I also have 2 and want a 3rd. My husband is absolutely not on board. I was angry, I was sad, I still am sometimes. But I think its really about being at a place in our lives when we have to face getting older and moving past birthing. Waiting to have children until you are older (i'm 38) and then worrying about being able to get pregnant and then the problems involved with being pregnant as a "mother of mature age" (don't get me started) is all HUGE and consuming. Then you have the baby and you think: ah, this is why I was put on this planet. So now that the birthing, laboring, delivering and newborn days are over what are we supposed to do? Even though we have 2 little guys to take care of, we don't want the pregnant party to end. And I didn't even like being pregnant!

I really think its more of an emotional issue about who you are now, grieving the loss of the birthing years, and facing this part of your life. It is sad, its a huge loss and it takes time to come to terms with being a mom of kids and not a woman who is expecting.

The one thing that has made me feel happier about accepting this is knowing that my marriage will be stronger with 2, my kids will have me more present and I will find my new path.

I send you peace in this part of your life.

This is always a hard subject to handle and an important one in a relationship. It sounds like you still have little ones at home. Have you asked him why he doesn't want more kids? Maybe with two little ones at home he feels like your house will be filled with toddlers. Maybe he feels that he can barely keep up with two young daughters and adding another one in the mix will make it that much harder. If he's 45, that means that he will be 63 when the youngest leaves the house (or even older.) That doesn't leave a lot of time for retirement. He will also be focusing more on college education at the time he should be focusing on his retirement. Another option you might always look at if you feel there is a void in your life, is maybe adopting an older child who needs someone special in their life.

The void your feeling may also be the fact that your youngest will soon not be a baby anymore. I know when my was about that age (she's 16 months now) I felt sad and wanted a baby again because I felt like she was growing up too soon. I still feel like this but the urge isn't as big as it was then.

In the end, you will probably need to go see a marriage counselor to talk this out. It is always good to have an outsiders prespective to help each one of you see each others view points.

So, essentially, the issue is that your husband was finally honest with you, and that makes you upset. I know, it's not that simple, but you need to stop being mad at your husband for owning up to his true feelings on this matter. It is far, far better that this come out now instead of when you're eight months pregnant.

Also, why are you trying to have another child with a ten month old? Your body isn't near recovered from the last pregnancy (takes at least a year and all), and of course your husband isn't going to enjoy the idea of another child this soon! How long has your latest child been sleeping through the night? I'm sure diapers are still everywhere. Have you guys gotten a chance to do much romantically? Y'know, as a couple? Without the children? Maybe that's another part of the problem.

Truth is, none of us can give you very good advice because we don't have the full picture. We have the little bit you gave us, which really isn't much. Though I have to say, I doubt he thinks his feelings are more important than yours. Like most men, he's just trying to think this through and respond practically to the situation instead of basing such a big decision on something as small as "I want". Though I do find it interesting that you want your feelings to be more important than his.

I know this was harsh. I do not apologize for that. But even if you don't listen to anything else I say, stop being angry at your husband for this. Talk to him, agree to talk about it later when your youngest is still not so very young.

Oh, and on the subject of the person who told you to have the child anyway - that would be cruel, selfish, and without any thought to the future of your marriage or the happiness of that child. Don't do it. Above all things, above your happiness, above your marriage, you must put the child first. And that would be an awful situation to be born into.

Hi M.,

I want you to know that you are not alone.

We only have one child and I always wanted two - something I discussed with my husband before we got married and he agreed to.

After we got married, it took a long time for me to get pregnant (years!) and during that time, I had to come to terms with the fact that I might never have a child (for reasons I don't want to share in this public post, we couldn't adopt during that time). However, I eventually did get pregnant and we had our beautiful little girl.

Right after our daughter was born, my husband said, "no more." I was crushed; it felt like a death to me and I cried myself to sleep on more than one night.

I struggled with this for many months and I held a lot of resentment and anger towards my husband.

When our daughter was about 10 months, I realized that I had two choices: continue my anger and resentment, which would eventually end in a bitter divorce or surrender the anger, accept my situation and create a peaceful and loving home for me and my daughter.

I don't know if you're spiritual or not, so I hope this doesn't offend you - but I surrended the entire thing to God. I got on my knees one night after my daughter was asleep and I just prayed and cried and asked God to take away the anger.

The next day, I told my husband that, while I very much wanted a second child, I respected his decision and that I would stop giving him grief about it. I then apologized for all my childish behavior - giving him the cold shoulder, cutting remarks, etc. Yes, he had done the same to me, but I decided to just forgive him and focus on loving him.

It was extremely hard to let this go. It was also extremely hard to swallow my pride and choose the higher road.

But, I did it. And within just one week, my marriage was absolutely wonderful. The peace and joy in me, my home and my daughter was worth it all.

To top it off, one year later - this was just 6 months ago - my husband came to me and said that if I still wanted a second child, it was OK with him. I was floored! He said he loved me and our daughter so much, and felt badly that he had gotten in the way of my dreams.

We have been trying for the past six months - so far, no luck, but that's OK. The miracle for me was the change of heart of my husband.

I don't know if this will help or not. But, I wanted you to know that you are not alone - your road is not an easy one - I know, I've traveled it and it hurts.

My prayers are with you. M.

I fall back on the Dr. Phil advice: It takes two yeses and only one no to resolve the issue of having more children.

Men tend to be more matter of fact than women. He's probably looking at issues like the finances, the time involved in raising yet a third child, his age and yours, the potential health risks (i.e. increase of having a Down Syndrome child), etc.

You also say that he had previously told you that if it would make YOU happy, then it was okay with him to have a third baby. Please forgive my bluntness, but that darn sure doesn't sound like an enthusiastic endorsement. Also, were you pregnant when you had that conversation? It sounds like a guy who felt backed into a corner by someone who he did not believe was going to respect his feelings on this topic, so he said whatever he needed to make you happy at the time. My guess is that if the two of you were sitting in with a therapist, your husband would say that if you brow beat him into having a third child he would be very angry with you and might experience lifelong resentment toward you . . . but in that scenario there could be an innocent child at the crux of this.

I'm 36 and have three boys. I would love to have another baby, but my husband is done. I'm very disappointed and still haven't been able to get rid of the baby stuff, but his feelings about not wanting another baby are just as valid and just as important as my feelings about wanting another baby. It wouldn't occur to me to be angry or resentful at him for being honest about something that would have a lifelong impact on our entire family. I do think Dr. Phil is right: Two yeses, one no. A new baby should be wanted by both parents.

Oh M., I bet you've had it with this by now, but maybe you or somebody else could benefit from all the "two cents" being put in here...Anyway I'm 33 and my husband is 40. We have 2 gorgeous sons 3 and 15 months. We're done, mostly because my husband is concerned about his age and how long he will have to work to get these guys reared...never mind the possibility of a younger one. I can understand this, but it was hard for me to put myself in that position since I am younger than him. I always wanted 3 kids, and I mourn that I will not be pregnant again, nurse my baby etc. However, don't you think these experiences are SO magical that you could have 10 kids and never truly be over bringing that baby to your breast or smelling the top of his head? I still wish we could have had more, but I really needed to respect the pressure to provide and be physically able by husband was feeling. I am at peace with our situation and every time I see a sick child and the helpless parents I relish these 2 fat, juicy, healthy boys I have been so blessed with. Try to change your focus and see things from his view point at 45 with 2 very small children.
I'm with you girl...but don't let it ruin the great you already have. Bless!

I truly feel that when it comes to something as life changing as having a child, that if one partner does not want to take on such a huge responsibility, then it is wrong to force it on them. This is more than whose feelings are more important. This is "Should I bring another human being into our family, when that could mean that one person is resentful OF THE CHILD." Parents resenting each other is bad, but imagine how it feels to be resented by one of your parents!! The resentment over not getting your way will hopefully fade, but I don't see how the resentment of a child wouldn't bleed over into THEIR relationship. Maybe he will miss his opportunity to bond with the child because he's so upset. Maybe this could cause a rift that cannot be repaired, and your family breaks apart. Maybe, maybe,maybe... Your current feeling of wanting to have one more before it's too late is important and valid, but sometimes, as you already know, the children must come first. I understand that you feel angry and frustrated and hurt by his flip, but I know that when I am upset, my husband will say just about anything to get me to feel better! Please, give your husband a break, and think about it some more. He's not cold and unfeeling, he's just dealing with it the way many guys do. Also, you are punishing him for being honest with you, now that he's thought about it further. He should be able to tell you his true feelings, and you should treat his feelings as importantly as you do your own. Isn't his happiness, and the child's as well, just as important as yours? Good luck to you and your family.

I don't know what to say to you that you would want to hear, but it's better that he's honest with himself and you now than when you're pregnant. He hasn't shown that his feelings are more important - he tried thinking about it and couldn't come to grips with having another child. You have to give him props for that. It's an emotional issue for him as well - he just shows them differently than you (and wouldn't my own husband be rolling his eyes right now - so easy to write down when it's not your own situation). Listen, the last thing you want to do is have an unenthusiastic partner during your pregnancy because he's been cojoled and manipulated into the decision - and that doesn't make him a bad person by the way. Have you gotten past the "no" to sincerely finding out the "why"? Maybe he has some goals of his own - or maybe he doesn't feel that you guys can financially afford it or perhaps he just doesn't want to be a member of AARP as his third child graduates from high school. As much as you respect your feeling of wanting another child, you have to respect his feeling that your family is complete as it is. You may also be surprised that your own feelings of wanting another may subside when you have two mobile toddlers running around the house. I'm sorry for your distress and I hope you guys can work it out. Not easy, no matter what you write down for advice.

Hi M., I don't know if you are tired of all the advice, but you have gotten some very good counsel. I just want to tell you that the desire to have another baby will probably be there well into your 40's or longer. We as women are nurturers, that's what the Lord designed us to be so that we could give his precious children everything they needed to be a well rounded human being and to survive in this life. They are precious in His eyes and to be a mother is the greatest calling ever given. We are the receptacle for which these tiny ones come here, how great is that. Like I said there's nothing in this world you will ever experience as great and marvelous as that. He also wants those He sends here to be well take care of, but most of all they need to be loved. Our husbands will never be able to understand the connection that a mother has to her child, they just aren't able to feel it so they logically look at what the future will bring and with your husband being 45 he is looking at possibly 65 and being worn out and tired before his last child leaves home. I don't think he is trying to hurt you, but a man is logical where we are run by our hearts and our heart says I want and need a baby in my arms. That is so very natural for us, but not for them. The desire for another baby has to be reckoned with as you will be doing. It is not easy, but you will get past this as you go along. I'm so sorry that you have to accept no more children because I truly know how you feel. I would suggest showering your two daughters with more hugs and kisses then ever before and don't forget your husband too. It will make him feel so very wanted and special. Retirement comes way too soon and if you and your husband don't have a fabulously loving relationship now then work on it so that your time spent together will be a bliss for you both when that time does come. Another thought, think of those women who have the strong desire you have and can never get pregnant. Can you imagine their pain? Food for thought...
Be grateful for your two babies and be the best mommy they could ever have.
I wish you all the best and know that you will be okay.

It is such a hard and horrible feeling to feel incomplete, but please don't let that hurt your marriage. There are millions of people out there that need mothering-- your children do not need to be birthed by you. If you feel that your family is lacking look around in your world and see who needs a family (and they don't even need to move in with you). Go help and support a few people around you and make new "family members". Please appreciate your husband's honesty-- he truely isn't trying to say it to hurt you.

We each have our own history of experiences that color our reactions--- I absolutely hear your pain- and I also know how devastating it was when a dear friend of mine ( 40 years ago -- I know--- I know --- ancient history- lolol- but the more we change, the more we stay the same) tricked her husband ---who was adamant that one child was IT --- by going off the pill - without telling him. Thier marriage survived the 2nd pregnancy- but only just- it never went back to the trust and comfort they'd had before- because she lied to him about something that he felt strongly about.

The one concrete suggestion I have is this- you do need to make sure he knows how strongly you feel --- that you arent' just arguing- you are being deprived of something you truly desire. So--- there is a decision making tool called a '''cost/promise box''''. You draw a large box on a sheet of paper- and divide it evenly into 4 quarters. Over the 2 squares on the left you write '''If we do have a 3rd''' and over the 2 quarters on the right you write '''If we don't have a 3rd''' Now, on the left of the ''square'' - write next to the top quarter ( all these phrases are written outside the square you've drawn and you're almost set to go)''' the cost is''' and on the left of the bottom square you write '''the promise is '''.
Now-- you and your husband do this together- in the square for ''if you do- the cost is''' you and he each start writing things-- becasue there is a cost to having a 3rd- financially, time-wise - energy wise- ( 3 children under 4 or even 5 is a huge amount--- WAY more than 2 ---) health wise- it all goes in - his possible resentment- all of it goes in that ''cost'' box - . Then - the box for ''the cost if you dont''' - the two of you write down all the costs of NOT having a 3rd--- your feelings- go there - ------------- When that is done- you start writing the boxes on the bottom - the ''promise'' of having a 3rd - is your hope of a feeling of fulfillment- the fun the older 2 might have- all of it - . Last - the bottom square onthe right is for the ''promise'' of not having a 3rd baby. In there will go the money saved, the security of safeguarding your health- the knowledge that you have a comfortable balance with the children and energy you now have---- - When you sit back and look at the balances- it may at the very least clarify your ability (and his) to know that you've really looked at the whole picture.

You sound like a really amazing woman- I'm happy to know that you are working on this so carefully

many blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.

I would ask additional questions to better understand his concerns about wanting more kids. Tell him that you value his feelings (you do love him) and just want to understand the reason behind it. Is he concerned about finances? Is he afraid it will be another girl? :) Maybe he wants you to be a SAHM mom, but doesn't think you would do that and doesn't want to ask. Maybe he doesn't want to be an "old man" when his kids are in high school... He would be almost 65 when this 3rd child graduates from high school! Remember: It may be emotional for him as well, but men don't usually wear their emotions on the outside. (Maybe he feels hurt because you don't want to do what will make HIM happy. It is a two way street.) Don't discount his feelings just becuase he keeps them inside.
Unfortunately, this isn't an issue where you can meet in the middle (<grin> unless you want to get a dog or something)
But by talking to him you will either..

1. Understand his desires and be OK with it.
2. Or be able to resolve his concerns and he may change is mind.

If you are a religious family, ask him to pray about it.

I am going through the same thing right now.

Hi M.

My suggestion is to call Dr. Laura (1190 KEX 1-4 pm). If your husband is that firm against it, consider his feelings. It is a huge responsibility for him. Could you consider working part time to be home more with your daughters. Being a mom of three at home full time a blessing but also juggling three isn't the same as two - try not to pressure him...he will love you for that!

Hi, M.-
I realize this request was from a while ago and you've gotten plenty of advice (I didn't read all of it, so forgive me if this is redundant!). I have been in a very similar situation. There were lots of emotional "discussions" in our home. My husband finally said if I really wanted to then we could go ahead and try- but I realized I didn't want to have a baby that way...because I had finally "won." If we didn't both want to expand our family- it wouldn't expand. I decided to let it go. I prayed for God to change his heart or mine. Honestly, I still don't know if God will bless us with another baby (DH is making comments about a future baby- without any prodding from me!), and I still have the desire to have a baby, but I feel a peace about it now. My husband and I are doing much better. I've been blessed with a lot- there's no harm in desiring another child, unless that desire over shadows the wonderful family we've got right now. I'll pray for you guys (for all of us in this boat!).

I had a similar situation, only he didn't promise that we'd have 3 children. After 2 children he just felt it was enough. I having 2 boys wanted to try for a girl. I was raised as a group of 3 and felt we needed more.My husband felt that 2 was all he could support and handle.
The subject would come up from time to time and we would talk about it. I was disappointing that he felt so sure about not wanting more.
As time moved on I got over my desire and moved on. The children's personalities were very different and their sex wasn't important. I was able to enjoy the family I had and not look at what I thought I wanted. I'm really happy now and I suggest that you talk more about it with your husband and then just sit back and enjoy what you have. It took me time.
I don't think it's healthy to look at that he thinks his feelings are more important than yours. He has strong feelings and you do too, but this is a situation you both should agree on. His feelings are valid too and subject to change just like yours. A person isn't a liar just because they change their mind.

I can't comment on the wanting more kids because my husband and I agree that we both want 4 or 5, but I can comment on the resentment because I think everyone has an opportunity to cope with that. Simply put, you can't let this become a lifelong resentment. That would destroy your marriage, and then your family would never be complete. Your love for your husband and your family is more important than this disagreement, and it also has to be more important than your desire for a third child. I'm not saying that you should give up on your dream of a third child or that your feelings are unimportant. Your husband is not handling this well (he might be experiencing some mid-life insecurities -- i.e. "how am I going to provide for 3 kids when I'm this close to retirement?" sort of thoughts), but the only feelings that you can control are your own. YOU NEED TO KEEP TALKING. Go ahead and break the silence. Tell him exactly how you feel about the way he's treating the issue. Tell him that you're in danger of harboring a lifelong resentment, that you feel that your feelings are being neglected. Find a counselor. Discuss your reasons and his reasons. If his fears are physical, discuss adoption. Just don't let this ruin your marriage. Talk until you come to a conclusion that satisfies you both.

The best thing you can do right now is to spend some time with your husband. Carve out time for just the two of you. You work and have two little ones so my guess is the reason he can't wrap his brain around adding another is because he doesn't get to see you much as it is and he misses you. Revisit discussions of another child in a few months after you've spent some time on just the two of you and listen to his reasons without arguing. Giving him understanding will open the door to his trying to understand your desires.

I didn't see your initial question so sorry abt the late response. My husband and I are in the same situation....my kids are now 15 and 13, but in 1999 I left work on disability and it seemed that God was saying we should have a bigger family now that I am a SAHM. After a miscarriage in 2000 (in which my dh said I "tricked" him into the pregnancy), he kept saying no more kids because mostly it was too hard to handle the heartbreak of losing them (we had another child die at birth). But whatever the reason, I was very resentful and just couldn't understand WHY, when we had 2 beautiful children, wht wouldn't he want to make more of these??

We had a few rough years while I worked thru my resentment, but eventually I came to accept that in order to have more children, BOTH PARENTS need to be on board. Childrearing is hard enough as it is! I had to accept that it is perfectly ok to have just 2 kids,; it doesn't make me less of a mom. Instead I shifted my focus to make my life about loving them all (husband and kids) as much as I possibly can! Now almost 10 years later I can say that things are much better. Our marriage is very strong and kids are well-adjusted teens. I still jokingly say that one day I'm going to be the oldest woman to give birth, when I get him to agree! (I'll be 46 this year) And yes, part of me still feels sad when I see a big family, but I understand that my life has taken a different path. Maybe it is my destiny to have lots of grandchildren instead! Or even to travel the world with my husband when the kids are grown.

Life can be very full even with 2 kids. Focus on loving every minute with the ones you have, and enjoy each moment in the present. People say they grow up so fast; it doesn't seem that way when they are toddlers but once they hit the school years the time really flies! I almost cannot believe my oldest is starting college in 3 years. Yesterday she had her first time driving with her dad!

The other thing is there are people who don't/can't have any children at all. I know some of these people and they would have made great parents. It makes you wonder why....but I believe that God has all the answers, and someday we will know! I pray for these people every day, that they find out what purpose God has for them. I have cousins who are missionaries, they work together as a couple in Vietnam. I think it would be much harder to do that if they had kids!

Well I know this has been very long and you've already gotten many replies....it's just an issue close to my heart! And you never know what changes life may bring....I once had a high powered career; if someone had told me 15 years ago that I'd be a SAHM with teenagers I never would have believed it.....but now I see how much my kids have benefitted from having me HERE, and I wouldn't change a thing! Feel free to write me anytime.

I know you want a 'baby', but if hubby isn't comfortable with the idea, I'd suggest that -- in a few years -- you help your own little girls get involved with Girl Scouts, 4-H, Awana (I think that's the Christian girls' club), or something similar. And even now you could work in the nursery at church or something. That way you can have the fulfillment of sharing your teaching and nurturing abilities and love for several other kids (and not have to take them home with you and feed, clothe, & discipline them, etc)! LOL

I'm 51 and a recent 'empty nester' (after rearing 4). It's difficult after my 31 yr. 'career' as a (mostly) SAHM, but God has graciously provided 3 little 'Grands' for me to 'mother' at times. I love teaching them to talk, potty, use the telephone, etc.

There's ALWAYS somewhere you can channel your love for children without TOTAL involvement in one of your own.

Hi M.,

I just need to share this with you. I have three boys (Older Son and then twins) and I really really always wanted one girl. I always sort of wished (my younger ones are 6 now), that may be I can be pg again and have a girl, though I had my tubes tied when having C-Section with twins. My hubby is not at all kids person and really we can not take one more child -- the time and money, we don't have it. My kids cry for a baby and more so for a sister and I hoped and wished -- that may be I can have a girl. Well, a month ago, I missed my periods and suddenly it hit me .. I might be pg .. and I thought about the consequences -- how are we going to support another baby and if I do have any bandwidth to take car of another baby -- even though they are the sweetest little thing to hug and kiss -- I got so scared and nervous and I realized that I did not need another child for myself. It will cause stress for the family, even if it is a girl. I love and hug my neighbor's baby and I am happy now and with peace that I have three boys (I was not pg .. it was an infection that caused the missed period).
And the feeling/desire of having a new baby will remain after fourth or fifth child .. But that incidence made me look at our true situation and helped me find happiness. Don't be sad. All babies do grow up and there are different magical moments that awaits for you, when kids get older.

My name is J. and I just wanted to say to you that the more you talk about having a baby to him the more he will want to say no.
For now, I would stop talking about it to him or making him feel bad about his feelings on saying no.
Show him how much you care about his feelings and tell him how much you care about his feelings. But don't over do it.
It sounds like there is a deeper issue with your husband. That he is only dealing with.
Get your husband back on track and I bet he will come around about having another baby.
It sounds like he is not happy right now and until he is happy he will not even try to make you happy.
I hope that helps
Hang in there you have plenty of time left. If you truly feel you are running out of time. Talk to your DR about it and I'm sure she or he will surprise you about how much time you have left.
Take care

When my son was 10mo old, I got bit by the baby bug really bad. I could see nothing but baby. My husband said no. I waited 8mo and now he is ready to try and we are at a better point in our life to add another child. I am so glad he said no when he did.

I would say give it 6mo-1yr and then re-visit the issue, your hubbie may change his mind or who knows maybe you will too.

First response so I don't know the rules...but I have dealt with a situation similar to this one. It's hard to not just "miss a pill" I read my bible and prayed a lot. I realized that as the head of my houshold my husbund had the say in this decision. I began to pray for wisdome for him, that he might make the right decision and I let the worry and anxiousness go. After about a year, he came to me saying we should try for another. Month 6 of trying is coming up...Now I pray for my acceptance of God's plan, he really the one in control of it all anyway.

It's not up to you, just be happy!

Hi M.,

I can completely understand what you're feeling. I have two girls as well and know that I want another child. It was my dream to have a large family and at one time I'd wanted 4 or 5 (this was before having our first though :o). For me, not having at least one more would be giving up a dream. My husband has been very adimant about not wanting another but he has remained open and very respectful to my feelings which leaves us on good terms. I've heard many people say, and I agree, that in most circumstances you would never regret having another though you may regret not having that last one. My husband's reasons come down to the fact that I get very sick during pregnancy, we've had two very colicky babies so far, he loves our girls so much and feels complete as we are, he feels he's getting too old, and he wants to have enough time for each of them once they get older and begin getting involved in more activities. My reasons are many but among them I want to build a supportive situation for my children. As they grow I'd like them to have each other to depend on, especially once my husband and I are no longer here. I want to experience that miracle of pregnancy and birth and a newborn just one last time. I completely believe that children are one of the most amazing things that I will experience in my lifetime. I want to have my grown children and their families come home for holidays and have a house full of family and children. My list could go on...

I know it can really hurt to hear your husband say he doesn't want more. I feel for you and hope you can work it out. If he's completely certain see if you can understand why. Maybe he will change his mind in time, though I see your point that that's not something you have a lot of.

C.

Hi M.,

I've only read 2 of your responses so I don't know if anyone has touched on this or not. You wrote about your feelings and what would make you happy but never mentioned your husbands feelings or what would make him happy. It was all about You and you never took his feelings into consideration. You really sounded like a spoiled brat, but I'm glad to hear that you are no longer mad at your husband and are talking about this. So many women don't stop to think about the other person involved in situations. It's all about me, me, me!! Good luck w/ everything and be very grateful you have 2 babies you can love so much and if you put all your energy into loving them and your husband, then you will have a happy fulfilled life. If you continue to want what you can't have, you will have an unhappy empty life! Live life to the fullest w/ what you do have.

I've been in the same boat with my husband for about two years. For quite a while we argued over this same issue. We have two boys, 6 and almost 3. I desperately wanted another, but he was terrified. After about a year, I finally let it go. I have a beautiful family and if it's not meant to be, I will still be happy. The best thing I could have done was relax, let it go and pray about it. I am now finally 10 weeks pregnant and husband is scared but o.k. He just worries about finances and I'm trying to be understanding about that, so he'll feel more at ease. We don't eat out as more or buy everything we want, but that's ok. It will be so worth it in the long run.

Hope this helps,

S. C.

I think that Peg M. gave the best advice, and I can't even come close to that level, but look at what she's saying. *Really* look at it. And look at your own bio "a little about me"--if "life is fantastic but busy and tiring" with two children, might it not be less fantastic but more busy and more tiring with three children or even just as fantastic but more busy and more tiring?

My worry with adding another child would be financial. Children are EXPENSIVE. I was just with a group of women and one woman said that she used to want a second child, and her husband just said "no" because he was the stay-at-home caretaker in the beginning and he said he couldn't do it again. I think you both have to have all of the resources available to you--emotional, physical, financial, etc., and if you both don't, you don't.

My husband gets tired just being around other people's kids. (We don't have any because I don't think we both have those resources I listed.) We'll leave an outing where there have been children, and he says, "I'm soooooooo glad we don't have kids" before we're even off the driveway onto the road.

I think you're the one causing life-long resentment (if it happens) by not respecting his feelings and trying to hold out until he changes his mind to YOUR way of thinking.

~S

Hi M.,
I have the same problem. I'm mom of beautiful almost 2 year old daughter and I really want to have one more child. My husband says only one word "No". I asked him why we can't have another baby. He said that we need more money, etc. So I said if we had more money would you decide to have another baby? He also said "NO". He said he is too lazy to have one more baby.I told him that I'm not happy and I don't want our daughter to feel lonely. We are from Poland and all our family live in Poland, so I have that feeling that we should give Susanna brother or sister.
I told my husband that he's very selfish and doesn't care about my and our daughter feelings.
Best wishes to you!

D. C

I know you asked this question a while ago, but I just saw it so I wanted to add a little persective.
My husband and I were flipped on this issue. I have problem pregnancies and when my 2nd child was 2 weeks old, my DH approached me about having a 3rd. He is from a very large family, and always wanted 10 kids. WOW!!! I gave in, to the request for another child, only to have it take over a year to get pregnant with my 3rd. Which led to an even worse pregnancy that my 2 previous. After I had her, I told him I was done, even though he kept saying he wanted more. It was a huge source of contention between us. So even after using double methods of birth control, because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again, I found myself pregnant with my 4th. And I was devestated.
Now, first let me explain my reason for not wanting more.
First, there is the fact that I have very difficult pregnancies, that only seemed to get worse with each pregnancy. With my 2nd, and 4th, the deliveries were also very hard as I nearly ended up with blood transfusions and having to stay in the hospital longer than normal.
Second, I also come from a large family, but I saw things different than he did. My parents were nearly 30 when they started having kids and by the time they had their last, they had 7, they were very tired and had a hard time giving attention to each individual child. I didn't want that for my kids. I never wanted to be too tired to know what was happening in my childrens life. Raising children to be good people, productive members of society is such an awesome responsibility, I want to be able to do that and provide my children with every opportunity to be happy, well adjusted people. I didn't feel I could do that having more children. Having that 4th child, scared me to death, and I had a really hard time adjusting, while my husband seemed even more excited with that 4th than when we had our first. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I realized I had never communicated any of my feelings for not wanting more children to my husband. I was just telling him "NO". No explanations, nothing. Just "NO". We were finally able to sit and talk about my feelings and his feelings and were able to come to an understanding about what we wanted for our family. So, after our 4th was born, I had some severe complications and was told that I, physically would not be able to have more kids. We were both at peace with that, but then by some miracle, after 2 years, I discovered I was pregnant again. This time I looked at it different. Did I really want a 5th child, No, not really. My husband was so excited. But this time I was determined to not struggle with my feelings over it. And knowing how I felt, my husband was very much in agreement when I got my tubes tied after she was born.
So I guess the moral of my story is, comunnicate with your husband. Talk with him, try to understand his perspective, and just maybe by doing that, you will be able to help him understand your perspective and feelings for wanting that 3rd child and you might just get that baby. But if not, be grateful for your 2 girls. Children are such an amazing blessing, no matter if you have 1 or 10.
You sound like a very strong amazing person. Your girls and husband are very lucky to have you and all you offer them. Stay strong, and I will keep you in my prayers.

A.

Sorry I just saw this but I wanted to add something. First of all don't fret yet the two you have are so small. When they get a little older he may change his mind. Your youngest is 10 months are maybe a month older by now, give it another year. If in good reason God instilled this need in you to know your family isn't complete yet, I'm sure a year or two would be more perfect. Your 3 yr old and 10 month old wouldn't get the attention they would if you were pregnant and when the new one comes along. The 10 month old would be your middle child and is going to need alot of nurturing. About you not feeling complete yet that is your key gut feeling. My mom told me when I was born she felt complete I'm the last of 3, I kinda knew what she meant but when I had my own kids I knew exactly what she meant. Here is my story on that, I had my first mattered not the sex it was a girl then we had another it was a girl, we lost her at 3 months old. Funny thing is I wanted a girl that time to my husband wanted a boy. Well when I was pregnant the 3rd time even though last time I wanted a girl and had her I knew I wasn't done. When the 3rd was born I wanted a boy and that's what we had. I then felt like my family was complete so I understand your feeling and i'm sure your right on the money. Your husband is probably also looking at how young they are and how demanding it is. Men also look at the financial side of things and also whether we see it or not we are so busy with the kids and the house and ect that the time they use to get from us isn't there anymore either. When we are dating and then get married and before the kids come along they have us all to themselves and men miss that attention. If your husband told you yes about another at one point I'm sure he actually considered it but after much thought he probably changed his mind, so I would think when the 10 month old gets a little older he may change his mind. In the mean time someone else already said this but I would deeply focus on him and your kids. A family that stays together is more important than how many. I'm divorced now from my kids father and no matter how wonderful someone ever would tell you how wonderful it can be its not especially when the kids have a broken home. No matter how good both parents are to the kids its just not worth it. I'm guessing that is since God ordained marriage and when He did this you not only stand before your husband or wife you also make a convenant with God. God wanted us to have families that is why Satan hates the family and likes to tear it apart and when he gets his way and the family breaks up no matter how good you do raising your kids that convenant is broken and you have a broken family. So please be patient and pray God works this out for you, if it is God's will for you to add to your family he will work it out and in the midst he will help your family be content along the way. Maybe later you can put a wisper in your husbands ear that in the end the only thing we have to take to Heaven with us is our families. Good luck M.

I have not been in your situation (we are very content with two!) and I apologize that this is probably not what you want to hear, but you need to listen and communicate with your husband! He is a major player in the game of having more children and if he is not 100% sure that another child is what he wants, then you need to put on the brakes. You say he doesn't want to do what would make YOU happy--what about what would make HIM happy? His feelings and concerns are valid. What's more, most men don't operate on an emotional level, they operate on a pragmatic level and where many things are gray for women, for men they are black and white. He may feel that your inability to fully express WHY you feel you need another child to complete your family demonstrates that you really don't.

I don't mean to sound harsh and again I apologize if I do, but as we all know, having children is not to be taken lightly. If you and your husband cannot come to a complete agreement, you are not ready for a third child. The last thing you want is to have a child that your husband resents. Good luck.

I can honestly say I've been in this situation. We have three children ages 9, 3 and 8 weeks. Our older children are girls and I wanted to try for a boy, but my husband was totally against having another baby. When our youngest daughter was born I was very happy to have her, but like you I didn't feel that my family was complete. Even though he refused to have another baby for years, when our younger daughter got older and all the 'baby-ness' was gone, he started to warm up to the idea. Or maybe I just finally wore him down! Now we have our adorable 8 week old son. Try finding out what it is about having another baby he's so against. Let him know how you feel about it. Men aren't as emotional as we are and sometimes don't understand how we feel until we put it to them plainly. A man told me that :) Good luck to you!

Hi M.,

What a tough situation for you and your husband! I wanted to second what Carolyn said, though, about needing counseling--you both need to work on this as soon as you can. Trust me when I say that barely speaking to each other is NOT healthy at all, which you probably know. I think you both are too incapable of seeing each other's side objectively to be able to sort this out by yourselves, and things will only get worse.

Long ago I wanted 4 kids, and before we started to have them, I thought hubs and I were on the same page. Well, shortly after our third, he tells me he doesn't want anymore, and I was heartbroken, and like you, hurt that he changed his mind(Imagine my shock after almost 10 years together finding out that he didn't want more than 3 kids!!) and was disregarding what I wanted. It festered quite a bit, especially when he wanted measures taken to prevent us having more children, and they ALL involved me having to be the one to take them(birth control pills, getting a tubal, the Depo shot, he just wanted me to do something....), yet he still wanted to have sex. He absolutely refuses to go get a vasectomy(because he thinks it'll hurt too much and he's worried about the minimal complications), and I still wonder why he's willing to let me go through the pain of bringing the 3 children we do have into the world, and then a tubal too!?, but he wouldn't think twice about me having to have a tubal and facing the complication risks I'd have to face. Plus, live with the death of my chances of ever having another baby, should the small likelihood occur that we decided to have one more.

But then, I began to think about all the reasons for NOT having a fourth child from *my* point of view(which coincidentally shares some points from his). Amongst them were the facts that our girls had horrible colic and I suffered major PPD. Children are expensive, and juggling time for each of them can be a challenge, I'd be going on 60 by the time my youngest was ready to be out on their own, and the list goes on and on.

So, while I'm still a litle miffed that he seemed to make the decision not to have more without talking it over with me, I now agree with him for reasons mostly of my own. I don't think I can have anymore children anyway, so luckily we haven't had to worry about either of having "the surgery," but I know that either way(having another child or not), we'd manage one way or another.

Your children are still babies. Perhaps you can take the next year or so and see how that goes with them, get into an established life and routine with them, and see how you feel then about having more children. Take the time to go to counseling with your husband and work out the whys on both your sides and then you two should both be able to come to some kind of solution you both can accept.

I hope for the best for you and your family, and wish you both luck in working this out. I know since you both love each other, you are not truly disregarding each other's feelings and desires, nor placing more importance over both your own feelings over the other's. Right now, you both are at a stalemate, and need help overcoming it. Please seek some counseling together.

K. W

Try a counselor. If you can feel comfortable talking in front of a man, sometimes men have an easier time actually SAYING what they feel/think if they think they have an automatic advocate (another man) listening. (Unfortunately, sometimes he can in fact BE an advocate for him, which wouldn't be very useful.) It's very likely his reasons are So Obvious (to him) that they don't need explaining ... but a professional counselor is likely to be able to draw them out into the open. Once you know his reasons, then you can choose what adjustments to make/arguments to assay.

One thing, though: do not assay your arguments in public, (ever!,) if you decide to try to persuade him. Men do not respond well to public 'doubt' of them by their partners, and everything I've (now) read, from a variety of religious and non-religious sources, suggests that all men within hearing distance wince at how unlucky he is to have such a partner and instinctively downgrade his manliness, and your attractiveness. (Yes, I wish I had understood this much earlier in my marriage; probably I would now have a husband instead of an ex-.) It is apparently just how they are wired, no matter how little sense it makes to me. (As a woman, I prefer arguments in semi-public, like, with family or friends around, so I can guage the reactions of the people around me, see if I am way off base--or if he is!--and so people can 'catch' me if I fall, you know? Not so much, I guess, do men see it that way. At all.)

God bless!

Hi M.,
I understand how you feel because my husband and I only had one child, who is 20 yrs of age now, and I always wanted a second one. Now that my daughter is grown, I am so glad we only had our one and I'll tell you why: We didn't have a lot but I was able to stay at home with her in between part-time jobs, temporary jobs, etc., and was active in her school and other activities, and she didn't want for anything -- love, attention, necessities and just about anything she wanted (within reason). We were able to give so much to this one child that we would not have been able to give to 2, or 3, or 4 and she turned out to be the best daughter a mother could have. We didn't even go through the "dirty two's" or the "crazy 13" stages because we had the time and energy to address the various stages our young experience while maturing. My question to you and many others today is have you considered the world we're raising our children in today? They're all cute when they're small, but have you tried to imagine what life is going to be like for them when they become adults? The environment, the economy, the overall moral decay of our society? If I was of child-bearing years today, I would seriously think twice before bringing a child into this world -- let alone 3 or 4! Parenting doesn't end when they reach 18 or 21. I'm so grateful God blessed me with my one little gift; be grateful for your two! And another thing - when a man says he doesn't want more children - please believe him! You all will suffer in the long run if you choose not to. I've seen far too many miserabled families as a result of the situation you're talking about.

Songs of the Morning Stars is an incredible book of instances where people had encounters with the souls of their children before they were born. Based on that book, that nagging feeling could well be another person who wants to join your family. The book is on www.amazon.com.

On the other hand, my dad didn't want my younger brother and was abusive to him much of his childhood/adolescence because of it. My mom was deceptive in getting pregnant with him, because my dad didn't want more and she did. Dr Laura says that the "no" has to win, because a child should be wanted. But I totally understand your perspective. Most people don't regret their children, and now that my brother is a self-supporting adult my dad likes him fine, but his childhood was pretty sad at home.

My Mum pushed my Dad into a 3rd child and the resentment went onto his side toward her and myself. I'm now 40 and still trying to work with feelings of insecurity about being loveable and wanted. Like Dr phil says 2 yeses... My mantra in life when my husband and I disagree is "this too shall pass" and it does life moves on and you will both have changes of feelings.
A counsellor is a good idea too.

That is so hard M.! But in all reality having another child should always be a desire of both of you, you wouldn't want to have to "talk" your husband into something like that. I would say to honor your husbands wishes, and in a few years maybe try to adopt...your husband may be up for that. I say this because I have gone through your situation somewhat.... for me I feel content with two, but would also be happy with 3, so it isn't killing me as much. My husband is getting a vasectomy and so he and I talked about adopting in the future. I am excited about that possibility...so keep your chin up, and think about all your options before you let your relationship with your husband go downhill. He may just want to see that you respect him and his desires.

I can't believe how common this situation is. That may not make you feel better but you are certainly not alone in wanting another baby but having a DH who does not.

It is wonderful that you love your children so much that you would like another. Perhaps your DH loves his family so much that he wants to keep things as they are. It sounds like he is conflicted about the issue. Of course he wants you to be happy but he is trying to be honest about his own feelings, too. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what we really want and then it must have been disappointing to hear how your DH really felt.

We had the same disagreement in our marriage. DH did decide to try for a third, and number four came soon after as a surprise.

You say you are working full time and are busy now. The busyness increases exponentially with each child you add. The reality with kids is that there will be medical expenses, braces, college, schoolwork, sports, activities, carpooling various crises and emergencies. As an older mom, I can tell you it's harder to be pregnant, sleepless and busy as we get older. Parenting is wonderful but exhausting!

My advice to you would be to totally enjoy the two little girls that you have. You have so much to look forward to and two children will fill your life with plenty of activity and love.

Hi: I know is hard for you to understand right now about your husband's feelings but at least he was honest on the second chance he talked about the situation. Children are beautiful but is always the constant I am worried about my child's future in your mind or the challenges that are coming ahead. Most likely he sees how the world is and he feels that is just to much for a child to bear. Just hang on and enjoy your family. Blessings, C.

When my 2 older children were 3(girl) and 2 (boy) , I also felt that my family was not yet complete. We talked about it and he always said no, sometimes I had him thinking my way, but when the "time" came he would do anything to avoid the situation. For 2 years I insisted and he always avoided it. Finally one day it happend. I was excited and he was not. I was beginning to think it was a mistake because I wanted him to feel as I did. But he accepted it as something he could not change but.... he never went to a doctor's appointment, did not go to my sonograms claiming to be too busy at work to take time off. Needless to say he ignored it as if it would go away. Delivery day came he he was a real trooper. The first few months were rough I must admit, but now my youngest is 6(boy) is the apple of his eye. That little boy has him doing things he would have never done with the others. My kids are now 13, 11 and 6 and lthough there is a big age diffrence, I am glad he is here. In fact, when he was 1 1/2 I considered another child so he would not be alone growing up and my husband said absolutely not! This time I agreed with him and we have stopped there. (although secretly I would have wanted another child) If you have a 3rd, maybe it's best to wait a few months until he gets over the baby shock stage with your 10 month old. and re-visit the idea later. you have to admit,that baby stage is hard.
I am 39, my husband is 48 and we have been married for 15 years> I stayed at home when my youngest was born. Now that he is in kindergarten, I am hoping to go back t work.
Good luck!

Perhaps your best bet will be to discuss this with a counselor to figure out where the sense of incompleteness is coming into play. I agree, this can be a emotional issue for both you and your husband. Thankfully, you have communicated about this in some fashion.

From an outsider's p.o.v., please take a look around and consider that you already have a fantastic situation if you are judging by the societally-marketed "norm" (a marriage recognized by the government, healthy children from your own genetic origins, steady work... ).

There are couples that want to conceive, yet can't. Single-parent households. Families that struggle with illness/disabilities. Abusive relationships. The list can be endless of course.

Hi M.: Been there done that. When my youngest of 2 was 4 1/2 I got pregnant although my husband was fine w/2. We lost that baby and I was devasted. I had 2 more miscarriages after that. I just did not feel fulfilled. Finally we had our 3rd son and my children are now 21, 19, 10. I am very happy and fulfilled but I do secretly worry about getting older. 40 & 51 My husband jokes all the time that he is the oldest father on the basketball court or on the football field. What good would it do to have another child and possibly be divorced? I knew my husband would be ok w/it although I also knew that he did not want any more children.If he had gotten a vasectomy I would have been perfectly fine but he refused.Please respect your husband

M.-- I really understand how you feel. We have two sons who are 3 and 16 months, and my husband totally wants to be DONE, but I can't help but want one more. It's not even because I think I'd have a girl, because I'm 100% convinced I would have another boy. I just feel like I want one more child, and then my family will be complete. And I'll be 39 in November, so time is running out if it's going to happen. My sister's theory is that you always want one more, no matter how many you have, but my best friend has three and said that, when her last child was born, she truly felt that her family was complete. I haven't come to terms with it yet, except when I'm having a really rough day and I think that I can't even handle the ones I have. But I really don't want to try for another one if my husband isn't completely on board, because I know I'll need help and I don't want to be met with a resentful attitude, especially during the tough times. I don't want his attitude to be, "This is why I didn't want another one." I try to be grateful for the children I have, but something in me really wants one more. But if it's not meant to be, I try to think of the positives, the biggest one being that I'll have more time and energy for the boys who are already here, rather than trying to spread myself even thinner. Have you come to terms with it, or is it still on the table for you guys?

Hi there, Men just seem to deal with issues like your husband does. It is just who they are - blundt & matter of fact. I suggest you focuss on the two children you have & thank him for whatever he might be deserving of - being a good daddy, husband, etc. See the good in him & express your gratitude. Don't let this ruin your marriage. You need to remain not only a family, but a happy one. That is what you are looking for, right? It is right there in the palm of your hands! He is getting older & it might be one reason for not wanting more.

Dear M.,
I really can empathize with you. I too, wanted to have a third. When we had the "talk", my husband very calmly said, no, that he felt complete, that we should focus on out 2 beautiful boys we do have. I was so hurt by that. My husband had truly at this point in our marriage ( 9 yrs ) had never "hurt my feelings", sure he made me mad, but this was different. It went straight to my soul. Not to be so dramatic, but it really hurt.
Then he said something to me, that looking back, was one of the best things he could have done for me. He said " We could be discussing having a 3rd child or our 15th child, regardless, EVERY woman will be upset and mourn never having another baby again. It doesn't mean you should keep having babies. Most women- b/c God made them this way, will ALWAYS want to be pregnant and give birth, their bodies were created in this way. But it doesn't mean you are suppposed to be JUST a baby making factory. The long and Short, just b/c you are ABLE to have children, does not mean you SHOULD."
We will always feel sad, knowing this could be our last baby. You have to work through this, and learn to accept the situation. Another reason, my husband didn't want another, is also b/c for my health. I have clinical depression. I cannot take any medication while pregnant, and as a result, I am NOT a very nice pregnant person. If we could be pregnant for 1 week or 2, fine. BUT pregnancy is for 9 MONTHS. Thats a long time to be in a bad mood. Plus, afterwards, I had severe post partum depression.
He remebered things for me, that I don't. Apparantly, I told him, I never wanted another child ( that would be a 3rd), b/c of the hell on earth, I went through.
You see, as women, we are hard wired to forget the bad stuff of pregnancy, so that we can keep pro creating. Its how life keeps going on. But sometimes we need to be reminded of those "bad things" to realize whats best for the family you already have.
I hope this helped. I don't want to discourage you, but like myself, we need to REALLY look at the reality of the situation, and not be so caught up in nostalgia of it all. My sons are now 11 yrs and 6 yrs, and to this day I still cry when i watch " A Baby Story" on TLC. But I realize they are tears of sadness, b/c I will never experience that again, but also joy, knowing that I got to at one point, and that now I should rejoice in the beautiful years I have ahead with my "babies".

Hi

I am with you my husband does not want anymore kids either. He has a 13yr old daughter from a previous relationship and we have a handsome, outgoing son of 3 yrs old. He has 2 children I long to have another. I do not want my son to be the only child, he needs a sibling to growup and fight with(ha-ha). To top it off my husband made a decision that has tested our marriage, he had a vasectomy without my knowledge, so thank your lucky stars that you may still have a chance. My chances were taken. I have been battling with this resentment towards him for the last year. It's no big deal, but he does not know he is not a woman. I have prayed about it, but I still have resentment. I guess our only recourse would be counseling, if he agrees, because of course its no big deal. I will pray that you will have your 3rd child, but if it doesn't work that way, at least your 2 have each other. I am 40 and my husband is 52.

I'm in the same boat so to speak. I'm 35 and my husband is 38, when we married he had two daughters from a previous marriage. Before we married we discussed and agreed on two children together. Now that we've had a son together he is saying NO to the second child. My stepdaughters are only at our house two weeks out of the month, so I want my son to have a full time sibling. I am trusting God to help me through this. I have had a time dealing with feelings of betrayal and bitterness and much like you feel that my feelings mean nothing in this situation. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this and hope that it helps to know that there are others out there going through the same thing.

I know you've received a ton of responses, and I'm reading through them as I get time, just for my own help too. I just have to tell you that I am absolutely right there with you. I want a third baby so badly. My husband says absolutely not. He keeps talking about getting a vasectomy but I just keep praying I fall pregnant by some miracle before that happens. We are using birth control until then. It is so hard though. I know all the things, how I need to surrender it up to God, and how I need to focus on my two beautiful children and how thankful I am for them, etc. But it is hard still! I too mourn not being able to be pregnant again and experience the miracle of childbirth again and being able to hold a newborn baby in my arms that I just saw for the first time. It makes me really sad from time to time. But I do value my husband and I try to see past my own desires and consider his as well, but gosh it is difficult. You are not alone. I could've written in with a request word-for-word. Thank you for sharing. I am reaping the benefit of reading your responses as well. God bless you and your family. I pray you find contentment and joy in the midst of this unfulfilled desire.

Having a child is a HUGE decision that will have consequences (good and bad) for the rest of your lives, so it is not something that either one of you should just give in on to make the other happy. Tell him that this is a joint decision, and stating "NO" matter of factly is not an acceptable response. You need to both discuss the whys and the how much. Rate your desire and how important it is to you and ask him to do the same. If your desire to have a baby is a 7 and his desire not to is a 10, then it is probably a better idea to honor his wishes (and vice versa). You may also be able to compromise on issues that may make him more comfortable. Maybe is is worried about money and would feel okay with the idea if you agreed to get a part time job after the baby's first birthday, or whatever. Find out what his issues are and TALK. You do have two wonderful kids, and they deserve your all, so don't let this ruin your relationship with your husband.

Wait til your youngest is close to two, then try asking again. (once things calm down it's easier for a husband to imagine having another without it sounding exhausting) Would you really want your husband to "let" you have another baby if he wasn't willing and excited to do his part of parenting? You both need to be on board with something that big.

This may not sound like the best advice to give but if you want another baby then have one. Stop taking your birth control, accidents happen all the time.

my husband has 3 from a previous marriage they live w/ustheir ages r 21,22, & 19, & i finally had one. he
is 10 months old & i want another & he says no way we cant
arrord the we got now so i know how u feel.God bless u