Husband Drives Me Insane Sometimes

Have you just asked him? 'Hon, I'm super tired, could you put away the laundry for me?'

I've noticed most men (no, not all) have a blind spot about housework. they just don't see it. Even if it's staring them right in the face (or nose).

I truly hope he starts to help you. I am a stay at home mother and that is my job, taking care of everyon. I do punch out directly after dinner. lol If I worked outside the home it woulf have to be different. He needs to help and do his part. When I did have a job and mine did not help after having the talk. I only washed my and the kids clothes, only made dinner for me and the kids, only made lunches for me and the kids, only cleaned up after me and kids. He got the hint when he had to go comado to work.

What can you do to get him to help?!
Ask him nicely. Tell him you would really like his help and then tell him a couple of things you want him to do.

DON'T tell him to clean. Tell him you want him to make sure the hi-chair is clean and ready to have your child be fed in the morning all the time. Tell him you want him to put the empty cans and bottles in the recycle bin all the time.

Be nice! Be specific. Don't overwhelm him. Reward good changes in behavior. (Remember, a reward is something the recipient thinks is a reward.)
ETA: I try and remember the things my wife asks me to do on a regular basis. I try and do them . . . and do them well. I've tried to "clean as you go" when it comes to cooking. I'm a miserable failure. I clean up after the meal is done and most of the time after dessert is over. Something to note: I do a lot less if when I get something done, all I get is "constructive critizism" and never a "thank you". A sincere "Thank you" goes a long way to guarentee a repeat performance.

Hhhoooorrraaayyy for Shane B. She has some wonderful ideas without the criticism or hyper criticism. Good for you Sane B. Your husband is a lucky man.

Good luck to you and yours.

For one thing, it helps to realize that nothing is ever 50/50. It just truly never is, so....shooting for that can set you both up for resentments over things that might not be that big an issue.

I also think that sometimes, as women, we tend to martyr ourselves a bit. Yes, there are always things to be done, but you had the flu. The world wouldn't have ended if you hadn't rushed around like a whirlwind trying to get a bunch of things done even though you still weren't feeling well.
You were thinking, "I still have to get things done even if it kills me."
He may have been thinking, "She must not be feeling that bad. Look at her go!"

I think we set ourselves up for this sometimes because it's basically a proven fact that men are not mind readers. Neither are women for that matter, but we tend to think they should just see a sink full of dishes and do something about it. You folded the laundry and were thinking the least he could do was put it away. He didn't know or just automatically assume that's what you were thinking.

I know a couple who has been married going on 25 years. They had LOTS of problems in the beginning years. Things have gone so smoothely since they realized that he was the thrifty shopper and he is the one who actually likes to cook. He's good at it. She hates it. She would much rather do yardwork and stand on a ladder to clean the gutters than spend a Saturday at the grocery store.

It works for them. They're not afraid to ask each other for help with something, but they stay out of each other's lanes, so to speak. He doesn't get up on the ladder to check the gutters or gripe at her about it, and she doesn't go over the cash register receipts and gripe about what he brought home for meals for the week. That would be completely counter-productive.

You just need to find a way to negotiate things. He may rather scrub the shower while he's in there than put laundry away. A scrubbed shower would be worth that to me. He may rather do laundry than dishes. Or vice versa. Just come up with a plan.

AND, if you're sick....either one of you...let all bets be off as much as possible. That's when you both should be supportive of each other in order to get well, not proving a point about who has to do more.

You both have the same goals in mind. Getting through each day and getting through each week and getting through each month. Each year.
Little negotiations can really make a big difference.
You can't be heard if you don't communicate.
You won't be heard if you sound like you're nagging. He'll be looking at you and whistling the tune from Jeapordy in his head.

No offense to any men or any women intended.
I'm just saying you need to communicate and negotiate.
The happiest couples I know have become really good at it. Negotiations change, and it does take time, but it's worth it.

Best wishes.

Unless he was professionally trained by his mama, most men are pretty much like this. They need very detailed, very specific directions when it comes to housework. Forever.

They are not multi-taskers like women naturally are. If his job is baby, then that's going to be the extent of it. Unless you ask and ask nicely.

For instance, every load of laundry that comes out of the dryer, I make the announcement, if someone is home and within ear shot, that it's folding time, and when I"m done folding, it's putting away time. I have learned to ask and not to expect every one to read my mind.

You husband does not sound a like he's intentionally trying to run you ragged, however he does seem oblivious to his surroundings. E., you have to start asking. And one time will not do the trick.

Would your husband respond to a chore chart? Or a Honey-D List? Ask him which he prefers, and go from there.

GL!

I know that there are some men out there that do it all. I'm not sure where, but I know that there has to be. I don't think that men "see" what needs to be done. If I ask my husband, he will say OK & then does it. When my dishwasher broke, he said that he would do all the dishes if we didn't buy a new one. Surprise ! I took him up on it (much to his surprise) He does the dishes at least twice a day.. He was used to me doing it all. Ask him to help. Tell him that you are tired, Fighting won't help, discussion will. Good Luck. By the way, I have been married 43 years & somedays he still drives me insane.

My boyfriend takes NO initiative. If I ask him a very specific request he will do it. "Can you please do the dishes before you go to work?" - "Can you please fold & put away the clothes that are in this basket?" ..... I wish he would just do it , but ..... at least when I ask he does it.

i would just be honest with him.. tell him how freaking exhausted you are! tell him you work too and you need some help with a few things around the house. Tell him you work just as much as he does all day and then have to come home to do more work and you feel youre not getting the help with household things that you should be. If hes previously gotten mad i would try to be gentle about it, tell him youre not looking for him to be mr. mom or be a maid just that him helping you out here and there would be nice and greatly appreciated. I wouldnt bring up anything to him about the fact that you make more money than him, i dont think that will go over very well.

I know what you mean.. but unfortunately you are sort of keeping tabs here. This will cause resentment for both of you. Just ask him to do things around the house. Be specific.

Ahh, did I post this & forget? ;-) These exact things top of the list of short list of my frustrations. I get that men just don't see the mess & what needs to be done, but puh-lease, wah wah wah. Man up! lol. My patience is waning for explaining the same things that need to be done over & over. Some things help, specifically if I give 2 choices with a little direction. Ie, after dinner saying 'ok, do you want to give the kids a bath, or put away dinner & do dishes?' (he always picks dishes. still irritating that he HAS to leave a few in the sink, not clean out the drain, etc. but I try to take what I can get).

When I get super annoyed, I do like others suggested & just start doing all laundry except his basket, don't make supper or mention anything about it, etc. It's exhausting to have to point out things that should be really obvious...oh, you tripped over that big pile of toys? instead of dinking around on the internet, why don't you make a game of it with the kids & get stuff picked up, while I'm cleaning toilets or doing something productive?!? ahhh.

On the flip side, often when he DOES do things without being asked, he feels the need to point it out to me - "i'm putting away my clothes now" - umm, great, do you want a big pat on the back for doing something you should? lmao. And seriously I DO ask nicely IMO, and say thanks for a lot of everyday things - "thanks for mowing the lawn, it looks great!" even though inside I am rolling my eyes just to myself ;-) When the frustration does set in & come across to him, even asking as nice as I can gets a "yes master!" reply from him. Oh that really makes my blood boil...I wouldn't have to just tell you to do something if you did the 2 minute job without complaining one of the first 50 times I asked nicely! *sigh* men ;-) worse than kids I tell ya! I wish mine would understand how much a little help would get them. it's like a magic math problem - if he pitched in just a tiny % more, my frustration would go down exponentially, and my happiness would go up. Less nagging, more harmony. Why not try it? ;-)

Sometimes we just don't zoom in on the same things. My husband spends weekends like your last Tuesday. Laundry is not on my radar, unless I'm looking for something. I'm the one who remembers everything, though. I keep the appointments, etc., and I don't always get hwo he could forget something or how it could just not occur to him.

It's mainly a matter of communication. Because we don't zoom in on the same things, we have to point certain things out to each other. It can be competitive and confrontational, or it can be complementary.

Well geez, this is a COMMON phenomena with Husbands.

The Wife/Woman, is SUPPOSED to be just a Super Hero and never doing just nothing!
LOL
Rain or shine, sick and heaving, they will think... we can do it all!
And they don't think.
They don't do.
They don't realize.
They don't reflect.
They don't know.
They don't know... why we then get all IRKED!
Duh.

I've been married 15 years... my Husband was just like that. Still is to a certain extent, but recently he has gotten better. It was not easy. He even told me the other day "you REALLY do a lot around here, no wonder I never see you sitting down doing nothing... kids, you better give Mommy a break and don't give her a hard time..."
OMG, I couldn't believe he actually had that EPIPHANY!
Then, its back to reality, and his epiphany was like, old news already. It just lasted about 5 seconds.
Duh. Again.
LMAO.

Other days, I have been on my feet ALL DAY... doing my work stint at my kids school, doing all the home errands, cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, doing outside garden upkeep, picking up the kids, getting homework done and their calling me every 10 seconds, meanwhile by evening I have a BACK-ACHE and my legs hurt... and I say that. To them all. And he doesn't even blink. Duh.
Then my Husband tells me "You didn't have to be on your feet all day, just sit down and do nothing sometimes... its your choice if you are scurrying around all hectic everyday..." OMG, like these are things that HAVE to get done. They.do.not.realize.at.all.

TALK to your Husband, make a LIST for him to do things... otherwise Husband's do not do it. Nor think about it. They think that our super powers will get it done.

I have talked to my Husband about it, quite bluntly at times and after all these years, he finally gets it. Most of the time. Again, we have been married for 15 years and my eldest child is 10 now. So for 10 years (once we had kids), only recently he realizes... these things. Duh.

But you GOTTA talk to your Husband, and TELL him... and lay it all out. Put a LIST OF THINGS TO DO, on the wall. For HIM to do.

Tell him:
HE is a part of the house.
HE is NOT a kid.
HE is not a hotel guest.
These are HIS kids too.
This is HIS house too.
YOU are NOT his Mom.
He is an ADULT.
HE has to step up and be a man.
AND being a Dad/Husband, is NOT based on antiquated ideas of being chauvanistic. MEN.... need to do these things too.
If he gets all pouty and mad about it, tell him to GROW UP.

Or, just go on strike.
I have done that too, to get my point across. Once I went on strike for the whole weekend. I told my Husband and I told the kids that DADDY is doing everything that weekend.

Your Husband has to grow up.
He is an adult and a Husband and a Dad.
Bout' time he realize that.

He doesn't do this stuff because you always do it first. Maybe he thinks it's your job, maybe he thinks you have a certain way of doing it (faster, better) and he'll do it "wrong", or maybe you two just have developed some really bad habits. Can you let some things go? If I were home with the flu, I wouldn't be dusting or picking up toys - maybe I'd clear a path to the kitchen but I wouldn't be so strict. I would not be roasting beets or folding clothes. I might do a load of laundry for the baby or put on fresh sheets for my bed if I'd been sick, but I'd just throw the dirty ones in the hamper and deal with them later.

My husband and I fold laundry together - we sit on the couch with the TV on and fold together. He does more laundry than I do anyway. We open the dishwasher, and we each stand on one side and unload the stuff that goes on each one's side of the kitchen. I do the big grocery shopping because I do more cooking, but he re-heats, does the in-between shopping if we're out of fruit or milk, and he washes dishes. If one of us is really beat, the other one steps up.

I think you should make a list of the jobs and split them up. If someone really HATES one job and the other doesn't mind so much, then it's nice to choose on that basis. I know one couple who has a rule that the last one out of the bed is the one who makes it. But have the time my husband and I don't even bother making the bed!

I also think you have to ASK him to do a little more if you aren't feeling well. You could leave him a note about the dishes and high chair tray, saying you went to bed sick and could he do it please so it's all set for the morning.

I don't understand why you pay for 3/4 of the child care and he pays for 1/4, and you pay your "own bills". Why aren't these household expenses that are paid by both? If you each want some of your own money, fine. My husband and I have separate checking accounts. But we have things well divided. I have friends who have separate accounts and then one household account, and they both put a certain amount of money into that joint account. Now, their reason is that she has a son from a prior marriage so she keeps track of those expenses, and she doesn't want her husband's money to be a factor in her son's support from his father. Anyway, the household joint account pays mortgage, utilities, groceries, supplies, furniture, cable TV, health insurance, medical bills, holiday and birthday gifts for family and friends, and so on. His account pays for his golf and his clothes, his lunches with guy friends, and so on. And her bank account pays for her son, her haircuts, her clothes, her lunches with her girlfriends. So you and your husband could have an account that pays for household expenses and childcare - that makes it a joint account and both people's responsibility. Maybe you put more in than he does because you make more, but then it's pooled money.

I think, if you make a list and let each person choose what they LIKE to do, and then you split what NO ONE likes, perhaps assigning them based somewhat on each person's special talents (without allowing anyone to opt out by being bad at everything!), you'll do better.

If you need to, get some couple's counseling. This is not an unusual issue but your husband has taken it to a new level. Maybe he was never taught, maybe his mother did it all, I don't know.

And if you can relax your expectations just a little while he learns to do more, it will be less dictatorial.

And I don't get why someone criticized YOU for not doing the high chair tray. Maybe she missed the part about you being sick and exhausted. If you had done all those things, you'd still be up and you'd still be sick!

Mine too. I do it all. He's totally oblivious. It's hopeless.

He doesn't do it because you end up doing it. You need to sit down with him and go through all the stuff that is required to run and keep a house clean. Let him know about the things that really bother you (dirty high chair) and the things that you will let slide (clothes on the couch). His thinking of 'clean' and yours may be different. Hubby and I have had many talks about what we both want out of our household. We've figured out how to make it work for us. I hate leaving dirty dishes in the sink at night but he offers to 'clean up' after dinner while I do homework with our daughter...but he chooses to clean them first thing in the morning. Fine by me....He will do the laundry but used to just throw it all in a basket including my work clothes which meant more work for me. So I asked him to either hang my work clothes up or do not wash them until I'm home and can take them right out of the dryer to be hung up. Sounds like you need to have more conversations!! Good luck :)

Go sleep in the guest room until he stops getting mad when you tell him that he has to help out in the house.

Dawn

Men just don't care about housework like we do, in general. He probably doesn't see the "mess" that you see.
Even so, it's beyond unfair for a full time working spouse to be expected to come home and do everything it takes to maintain a home.
Since you say he gets mad when you try to talk about it, I would suggest a few things:
-stop trying to do it all, take care of yourself and the baby first
-do only the laundry that MUST be done, and leave his clothes for him to wash, dry and fold himself, let him know you just didn't have time to do his laundry
-if it's time to make dinner and you have other pressing things that need to be done, don't make it, feed the baby and make yourself a sandwich and/or a cup of soup, again let him know you didn't have time to make dinner
I am NOT saying to do these things in a nasty, vengeful way, but clearly if you continue to "do it all" then he will let you. And why not, if YOU'RE not willing to change or expect more of him then he has no reason to step up. He's not gonna do it just because you think he should.
I'm also concerned about how you are splitting the bills and keeping track of expenses. I know every marriage is different but I think it's pretty important to have most of the money pooled together in one account. I mean, you are a family, you have a home together, the family budget should be just that: a FAMILY budget, not a tit for tat of who pays for what and how much. That just leads to confusion and resentment on both sides IMO :(

No advice, just sympathy......I go thru the same thing. :) Every morning I load the dishwasher with the morning dishes (and the ones left in the sink overnight with dried up ice cream from DH) and run it. When I get home from work, while making dinner I empty it. There is not a person in my house that can take their dish from dinner, rinse it off, and put it into the EMPTY dishwasher....I yell about it all the time. God forbid something ever happen to mom! :)

hire people to help-when he sees what it costs to replace you, maybe he will start helping??

Let's face it ladies not all men are multitaskers and can only focus on one thing at a time, they do not see all the other stuff that is going on in the house, they will only see it if you ask them to do it otherwise their only focus is the kids. Women are made to do more than one thing at a time at home because we are use to it, I know I am. A man has to be told what to do, they usually will not initiate so speak up & hopefully he understand in the near future. Good Luck!

Time to be straightforward and ask for help directly. Vent and be justified if you've asked and he refused to deliver :)