Husband Finally Connecting with 14Yo Son, Where Do I Fit In?

Where do you fit in? As the step-mom thats where. Do you talk to his mom? If possible try to establish some sort of rapport with her. Then you can tell her what a great kid she has raised and how much you admire her, etc. Then say that you dont want to step on her toes, but you would love it if sonny could come to dinner or perhaps spend the night. Make it plain that you want to do this on HER time and HER schedule. She might just appreciate a break, maybe a weekend away. ALso you could be a go-between so hubby wouldnt have to deal with ex.

I'd proceed slowly. You don't want to come across as pushy or overbearing. It probably feels weird to the boy to finally start having a relationship with his father. Let him suggest activities he'd like to do. Be warm, available, and listen to him.

As far as the mother, what's wrong with extending an olive branch? Tell her exactly what you wrote here: "You've done an amazing job raising your son. We're looking forward to having him as part of our lives. Since you know him better than we do, what do you suggest we could do to make this transition easier for him? This may be difficult for you, too. How can we make it easier for you as well?" You might also point out that the more people a kid has in his life who care about him and cheer him on, the better for him.

Bear in mind, the boy could harbor some resentment towards his Dad for all the years he wasn't there for him. That'll be something your husband will have to address, which is all the more reason to proceed slowly.

i say let it progress naturally, and as with almost everything child-related (in my opinion) GO ON HIS CUES. let him be the one to reach out and don't try to push him into anything. if you and hubby want to take more steps, discuss them with your stepson first. feel him out and try to respect the fact that this might be awkward for him. most people (children and adults) respond better if they feel their needs are being addressed, i.e. his mother not getting her toes stepped on. make sure all involved know you are only trying to help, and don't take it personally if it isn't their cup of tea.

Write her a short note and say that you have been so impresed getting to know her son. And what a good job she has done on her own. Maybe ease any awkwardness by making it a part of a Christmas card or birthday card. I am sure you haven't been in communication with her before, but it is a nice gesture and if she doesn't take it as such, that is her problem. The best way to show love and respect for your stepson is to respect his mom whether you like her or not.

Then I woudl just go about your business as usual. Your husabnd has to parent and communicate with his ex and the nicer and more respectful he can be with her, the better the overall relationship will be. You have to enforce his rules with his son, but overall you get to play the role of friend and not traditional parent especially since you come to meet him as a young adult and not a little child. Your husband and his ex have to make decisions regarding gifting him a car or plans for paying for college or giving him any large sums of money. While it is great that you are saving for him giving to him, don't make unilateral decisions that should involve his mom. To let her know you value her role, it might be nice to ask for her opinions about birthday presents and what kind of clothes he might want or who his friends are or the like.

I admire you for your consideration of the situation and am glad for your stepson's sake that his father has decided to make an effort before it is too late.

I agree with Beth. Allow the new relationship to gradually reveal where adjustments would be helpful. This process can happen more or less organically.

Your attitude sounds mature and generous, and respectful of your stepson and his mom. Stick with that and you'll be okay. That doesn't mean the situation will always be comfortable, but if you keep the "good of all" in mind and don't become reactive, you'll find your way through. Just like with any developmental stage in any relationship.

My very best to all of you.

You're such a wonderful woman. You, supporting your husband and his bonding with his son is the kindest gesture anyone could ever do. I don't have any suggestions, but I was totally moved by your article.

It sounds like you are a very caring and supportive partner to your husband, and you care about his son as well. That is wonderful. You are also taking the mom's feelings into consideration, and that is very honorable, too.

It sounds like the son wants his father to be a part of his life, and is reaching out to his father. It would be important for your husband to be consistent in his attentions to his son now, whether he wants to limit it or have open contact - it's really what he and his son are comfortable with (as much as it is good to keep the mom's feelings in consideration, the ultimate decision for contact *is* up to the son and your husband, with you and the mom allowing space for the father-son bond to develop as they need it to).

One of my good friends told me about his relationship to his dad growing up, and said that his biological father disappointed him a lot, and often didn't keep his word. I think it affected him, and made him lose trust in his biological father (and there wasn't much to begin with, for other significant reasons). Another friend told me that he could see through what his father was doing, and did not appreciate his behavior when he was a kid, but they have since reconciled, and he accepts his father as he is... I guess what I am trying to say is that fatherly love is important to a child, and actions do speak louder than words. So, if your husband is jumping into being a part of his son's life now, he needs to always keep his word, and be there for his son. If he is worried about his ex, he needs to get over that and not put his feelings about these difficulties over the feelings of his son. Sounds like he is starting to be there for his son, and you are a very supportive partner. Best wishes to all. xo.

Beth B said it well. I second it!

And how good it is to hear your support for everyone and wanting to help achieve and maintain a healthy balance for everyone. It'll pay dividends. You might also talk to your son directly about everyone being on board with one another for his best interest as well as for all the parents - creating the family dynamics that work best for all and for helping him have a firm foundation upon which to build his life. It's a pivotal point now with lots of opportunities to unfold. Best to you and your family!!!

Unfortunately, as the mom of a 15 month old, and on my first (and hopefully only) marriage - I don't have a lot of first hand advice for you. I was compelled however to write and say what a wonderful, reasonable outlook you are exhibiting, so I'm confident that with some encouragement to your husband and the continuing efforts of his son, something great will blossom organically.

I am, however, the daughter of a dad who was not really involved in my life growing up (or now!) and I know he suffers from both guilt and extreme emotional repression and I wish more than anything that he could just chill out, start fresh, and not be hung up on the past or having "failed me" -- every day is a new opportunity and I'd be thrilled with ANY attention he'd be willing to offer- I wish he knew that ...

Anyway-- best of luck-- things needn't be conventional to be great.

I'm so impressed with your post. You're doing a FANTASTIC job of being a step-mom already.

If I were you, I would write his mom an e-mail or a letter and tell her a lot of the things you've said here: She's done a great job, her son is fantastic, you admire her, you are not looking to take him from her or fill any voids in your own life, but that you welcome him into your life and want him to have a better relationship with his dad. Acknowledge that it's a shame that your husband hasn't been more of a father and you hope this is going to be a good beginning. Tell her that you want to support her as a mom and not step on any toes.

From mom's perspective (and kudos to her for not getting in the way -- a lot of people would be hurt and disappointed by your dh's lack of involvement and would get in the way of the relationship) she mght be scared not knowing you well and all. An open and honest and supportive dialogue will put all that to rest.

I wish all of you the best. Keep up the good work!