Husband Gone a Lot

I feel for you! Parenting is incredibly hard work sometimes! Especially when they're that age. They take a lot of looking after. I can absolutely understand your feelings.

Perhaps you could start looking around at jobs that fit his skills and interests, but which you know wouldn't be so demanding of him (and of you!), time-wise. Doing a little bit of the leg-work for him might make him more open to the idea of switching to a job that allows him to enjoy this precious and very short time when his son is so little. If he is open to a job change, help him in every way that you can, especially cover letters and his resume (men tend to hate writing), and coaching him through his interview practice. Be willing to take a pay cut, as well, and whole-heartedly support your husband in prioritizing family over getting as much income as possible, if this is what it takes to get him home more.

Meanwhile, look into cooperative mothers' groups that arrange childcare within a nice, tight-knit community. These arrangements are free, since parents take turns watching one another's children. If you don't find one, consider starting one.

Hang in there. Just use your creativity and find a way to resolve this, for your sake and your family's. Don't blame yourself for your feelings. Just use them as motivation: your husband needs to understand (and probably will) that your feelings mean that something is wrong and needs changing. There's a lot on your shoulders, but you can figure this out and get relief!

L.

Hi.
My husband did not travel, but he did work two jobs. I worked at night until 2am and my daughter was usually up by 6am. All I can say is that Elmo's voice still makes me fall asleep, of all things!

The time frame from my 1st daughter being about 6 months to age 1 1/2 was the worst time in our whole marriage. We've always had a wonderful relationship and we tend to pick up each other's slack instinctively, but during this time period we were both stretched sooo thin that we couldn't do it all. I was upset that he wasn't helping me enough, and he was upset I wasn't helping him enough. One thing I remember vividly is being excited that she made the milestone of starting solid foods and later that day I started crying because I realized that for about a year ahead of me it would be my responsibility to put every bite of food into her mouth for her and I was just too exhausted.

I can't tell you what to do to fix it, but I can tell you to give yourself permission to be frustrated and angry without it meaning that you love anyone any less. Go in the bathroom and cry or even scream when you get the chance. The best thing to do is to TALK about how you feel while acknowledging that your hubby does as much as he can too. Because believe me, he feels the pressure of wanting to get out of going out of town and the pressure of wanting to please you. No accusations, just talking through it for support (we're in this together, and it's hard ~whine~)

When we finally had the time to talk we both had the same complaints and felt somewhat abandoned, but talking helped us realize we were both still giving our all -noone had bailed- there was just so much more that needed doing!

Also, know that it does get better. Kids eventually sleep longer and do more for themselves. And remember your feelings are normal and it's OK to not be giddy all of the time just because you have this precious baby. Kids are hard work, but we all know they're worth it.

I hope this helps...hang in there,
~K.

My husband is in the Army National Guard, and has been gone for months at a time before. Now he's almost finished with an almost year long deployment, with only 2 weeks vacation at home. So I know exactly how you feel!!

Every time I found out he had to be gone again, I would get upset/angry, but of course we can't get out of it. We keep in touch the best we can, mainly through email/instant messaging now since he is out of the country. I just try to keep up with everything at the house & take care of our daughter & try not to think too much about missing him. Just know he's coming home. Keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about it.

And you could always be glad he's not going out of the country for a whole year :)

Hi J., my husband works out of town 6 mos out of the year and it does get tough. i know at times i get frustrated to but i always have to stop and think he wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't for me and my son 19mos. He isn't gone because he wants to be just because he has to. And i think if you look at the positive side to it all then you will get by easier. It does get hard but just remember this too shall pass. And trust me as they grow it gets easier. My son is 19mos now and my husband has worked out of town since he was 5 mos old. I work full time and love it when i can pick him up and go home and its just me and him. We get into our own little routine. But its different for everyone. So just remember he is doing it to provide for you guys. And he needs your support. hope this helps!

I would say Thank the Lord that he has job to go to and count your blessings.
My son has a six month old son and no job since the week before Christmas. They had to move out of the house they were renting and into his in-laws. We rented a storage space to house their belongings until he can find a job. Here in Tuscaloosa, Alabama at the employment office there are over 100,000 resumes for 4900 job listings.
Pretty dim looking but he is going everywhere filling out applications and inquiring about possible hirings but so far all he gets is "No, we're not hiring" or "We have a freeze on hiring right now so come back later".
Count your blessings if your husband has a job and you have your own place to live with that bundle of joy God has blessed you with!!!

I absolutely understand your dilemna. My son is now 2 1/2 and I am 5 months pregnant with our second. My husband has been gone for 2-3 days every week for the past month, and this happens quite frequently. Not to mention that I work full time myself. You are absolutely entitled to be frustrated, exhausted, and irritated, but not really with your husband. Considering your son's age, it is probably equally difficult for your husband to be away from you both as well. I recommend venting your frustration in the correct direction - that it sucks being a part-time single mommy of a toddler. Make sure your husband knows that you aren't angry with him, but rather the situation. You need to appreciate the work your husband is doing for the sake of your family, and let him know that you appreciate him despite your frustrations.

From personal experience, traveling for work is very hard on a person, and those difficulties only multiply when you have to leave a little one at home. Consider how much you miss your son when you are away from him and remember that your husband feels that way all of the time.

When your husband is home, you need to take an afternoon or a whole day (if possible) to pamper yourself and recuperate - like get a massage, a whole spa day (manicure, pedicure, facial, etc.), go spend some time with some girlfriends, or run to the library to read a good book - away from the boys. It will also give your husband some one-on-one time to bond with your son; at least that's what I tell myself. :)

Oh yeah - to all those single moms out there - you all are saints and should get some sort of an award!

I'm in the same boat, and don't have much to offer, other than don't have another kid until you really feel you can handle it in your current situation. Being exhausted before the kids' bedtime is not a good thing.

Ohhhhh J.! so sorry to hear of your angst. It can be VERY lonely and especially with 13 month old little guy that can't make conversation very well. My hubby went to work Hurricane Katrina with Nat guard when my son was 4 months old and then when he got home he was promoted in his civilian job so that increased his traveling to almost 2 weeks/ month. When he left for N.O. I was working part time too but found that it was really hard to find childcare for my 3-11 shift. sooooo I quit. then pretty much it was just the little guy and me ALL THE TIME! We made a routine that was different and special from when Daddy's in town so that we had fun things that we didn't do when he was here to look forward to, like sleeping in, being lazy, then oh! Karaoke night that was funny and just kind of living by the seat of our pants because there was no specific time that he'd be home so we were very free to play and do basically whatever we want. Yes the responsibilities increase and 13 months is getting into a more intensive age with the fact that they're mobile and curious....It's going to be tough, so make it as fun as possible and make a list of all the fun things you can do together for the special times when daddy's on travel. GOOD LUCK!

My Husband is a fireman and he is gone every other day on 24hr shifts so our 17mo old son doesn't see him on those days. I think it's normal to get frustrated inside but you have to remember your husband doesn't do the job to be gone from his family. He doesn it so you and your child are well taken care of. Be thankful and when he's home pick a time for "family time" only. I do know how hard it can be on children. My son sometimes goes to the door and says "daddy" but I can tell you it's just as hard on my husband as it is on our son. So, remember I'm sure your husband hates it as much as you do...that's just life. Be glad he is a good husband that works and supports his family.

Hi! My husband works for the oil/gas industry so I can feel ya there! The hours can be so crazy that I feel like a single mom most of the time. I joined a gym down here just to be able to have an hour or so to myself to calm down and unwind (and even shower in peace from time to time! lol) and thats helped my stress levels quite a bit. My kids are 4 and 16 months and it really is a challange I know. If you ever need a friend let me know! We are transfering up to Conway in a couple weeks and my 16 month old son would love a little playmate! Playdates with friends always helps me feel not so alone and overwhelmed. :) My email is ____@____.com

My husband worked all of the time when our first two children were born - they never saw him in the daytime and I would sometimes wake them up at night so they could see what he looked like :) He didn't enjoy his work schedule and neither did I - but it was something that we had to go through. Later he got a job working offshore - gone for seven days and then home for seven days. We all enjoyed that because we actually had some time to be together - to do things together.

I remember telling myself not to be angry, not to be hurt, not to take my frustration out on my kids or my husband - but that is hard to do when you are feeling depressed.

One thing that was helpful to me was that I started an inexpensive hobby that I could do at home. I learned to crochet - made all sorts of Christmas ornaments and moved on to making afghans - they were not all that great - but I found that the actual act of crocheting was a great stress reliever and acutally made me feel more cheerful. I would crochet and if it wasn't right, I could just unravel it and start over - very therapeutic. And it was something I could do when my children were watching cartoons or videos....just a few minutes at a time was very soothing.

Another thing I did was connect with a couple of other mothers at church whose children were in the cradle roll class with mine. I find several who were not full time working mothers and we started our own support group. We would meet once a month in each other's homes and just have sandwiches or something inexpensive as we were all on a tight budget - and let the children play together and we were able to share our feelings and frustrations and tips about parenting. No husband bashing was allowed - but we were able to ask each other about how they dealt with certain issues which might be bothering one of us.

I am 53 yrs. old, but I remember those old feelings that you mentioned just like it was yesterday instead of 30 years ago. Your feelings are honest and nothing to be ashamed of. It will get better, but in the meantime, you need something to help you work through these feelings. Hopefully you have read some ideas which will be helpful.

If you try our suggestions and still feel sad/mad, you might want to talk with your doctor and see what he/she recommends for you.

Good luck!!

You have my sympathies...for about 18 months my husband left on Monday morning and came home on Friday night. It was awful!! During that time I felt so frustrated because I was torn between being angry with him for having to work like that and being proud of him for doing what needed to be done in order for me to be at home with our children. Eventually though, I just had to ask him to quit and find another job. He didn't really want to but after a lot of praying the answer came in a job offer from his previous employment. The only advice I can give you is to try and keep yourself busy with things you enjoy. I had most of my troubles at night, so I went to my son's preschool and asked what I could to help out the teachers from home. I got LOTS of things to cut out, glue, file, etc. which I did after the kids were in bed and I was feeling lonely and scared. It helped keep my mind on something less stressful. And during the day I made sure I had some time for myself, even if it was just lunch with a friend. I hope some of this helps you a little, I know how frustrating it can be. Good Luck!!

I was just going to read the responses because I feel the same way alot, but I felt compelled to put my two cents in. I too, am a stay at home mom. My oldest is in school and my youngest stays home with me. My husband's work is in the oilfield, so he is gone often. And when he is home, all he wants to do is relax. When he is not relaxing, he is on the phone with "work" or catching up with friends that he doesn't see much because of work. It is very hard to deal with this situation. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY grateful and blessed that he works so that I can stay home with my girls, but sometimes I need to relax or have time for myself. I don't want to seem selfish, but it's true. I know this sounds so cliche', but a mother's work never ends. When he is off from work, he is off. My job is 24/7. There are days when I feel like I'm the only parent. And I cannot remember the last time that I was able to just go out alone to shop or relax. Sometimes I wish that I had a job again just to have adult interaction and conversation. It's a tough situation, but my motivation is this: they grow up way too fast. Before I know it, there will be a day when all of my children are in school and I will be able to go back to work if I want to and have those days to "relax". So, I will bite my tongue and accept things that cannot (and should not want to) change and understand that this is where I need to be. Because my children will grow in a blink of an eye and I will be here to experience all of it.

Sorry this will be long ... I completely understand where you're coming from. My husband left on Monday morning and as of today, Thursday hasn't been home since. He travels with work in Alabama and Georgia. I would definitely like to have him home more. We have two children, 7 & 16. Our daughter fusses sometimes to her dad that he is gone too much and should be home more. Our son is pretty quiet about it and just will ask, "is dad coming home tonight?" He will be home today before dinner time and hopefully through the weekend with only some day traveling. I really used to be bothered by it more and sometimes definitely get lonely for the adult time (both physical and just sitting and watching tv together). He is a really good man and a very loving father. We all talk on the phone - me and him 2-3 times a day and he'll check in with the kids. I heard a long time ago that "WE control our moods" and we shouldn't let our moods control us. That statement made a huge impact on me and I know my mood strongly affects the kids. I always try to be positive and when they ask about dad, I say he's working really hard for us and he'll be home as soon as he can. I know he won't travel forever and I hope he'll happily give up the road at that point. I honestly feel like he's a faithful husband and loves us all very much. He works hard to provide for us and I work part-time also so I can be home when the kids need me. I tell him to not worry about the house and kids, I'll take care of everything possible on this end and I'll yell if I get overwhelmed. He's always been there when we had an emergency and has closed his office when I was in the hospital for an emergency surgery so he could be with me everyday and home with the kids in the evening. I may miss him being home and having a husband that leaves at 8 a.m. and is home by 6:00 but because it's him, I'll be home waiting when he arrives. If you love him and the feeling is mutual, take care of what is needed at home for him (and your son) and tell him you'll be waiting for him when he arrives. Enjoy the time with your son, it is priceless and will make for a wonderful relationship between you two when he is older. Don't let angry in. If there's something I want to do, I don't wait for him to come home, I make the plan and do it. If there's something that involves both parents for school or for us, I let him know in advance and remind him. It has been very rare that he didn't make those plans and he's always been glad to be there.

J.,
I kknow it is hard being away from your spouce. I also know that it is hard on him too. I was a solider in the Army and had to leave my kids for 1 year to go to Korea and when I came back State side the unit I was asigned to was leave for TDY (Tempory Duty) for 8 months so as a singal mother I had to leave the kids with my mother. So I was away form them for 2 years! I got to see them once the first year for 1 week and the second year about 4 times. I am know a Army spouce my hubby has been to Iraq twice for a year at a time and when he is home they still go to the field and other thing where they are gone for two weeks to a month at a time and he usually works form 6am to 7pm durning the week occosianly he will get home at 5.

I agree with the other lady you have to say busy go to a plat date where the kids can play and you can have an adult conversation. Try not to be anger and be thankful he has a job and has not been laid off. And hopefully he is not in a job where he can be taken out by a snipper or roadside bomb!

H.

J. I had a job 366 7/24. I enjoyed it as I was able to meet people from around the world. Given my educational back ground I made a reasonable living to support my wife and two daughters. Fortunately, as far as I know, my wife supported me at all times. She had to care for the children and all things at home. Now that I am retired I really how much I miss particularly with the great grandchildren.

If his work is bothering you now, it will eat you up, and only God knows what the future holds. I suggest, that during a quiet moment alone with him, both of you discuss his work, family support etc. Then you can decide what you want to do with your lives. If you think you can make it until both children are in school, then go to work and if possible support the family, and let him advance his education that could help.

God Bless you and each member of your family. ____@____.com

I completely understand!! My Husband is in the Army and was gone for 6 months, missing our first daughters 1st birthday, her learning to talk, and walk, and lots of other first. He still leaves for at least a week every month and usually doesn't make it home before the kids go to bed. There were times I was really resentful that he wasn't around and was missing so much with the kids, and some days I still get like that. But the biggest thing that I have to remind myself is that it could be worse. At least you still have a husband who treats you well. At least you still have a house and food. It's nothing profound but it is all about how you think about things. Happiness is all about your attitude not your situation.
It takes so adjusting doing things by yourself, but try not to think about it. Dwelling on it not only makes you unhappy but your baby can pick up on it. Also, take some time for yourself everyday. During naptime a few times a week don't clean or do housework. Do something you enjoy. Taking a little me time is a great stress reliever and mood booster! It can be overwhelming at times, but just try and keep perspective on things. Just know you aren't alone in your feelings or situation. I hope that helped. Good luck!

It sounds like being angry is getting you absolutely no where except for beating up on yourself. Just give thanks that your husband has a good job, these days that's a blessing in itself, that allows you to only work part time and be a much more hands on mom. If your angry and resentful of your husband's time away that probably just piles more guilt on him that could start leading to his own resentment. My husband has always been gone a lot working on cars on the side of his regular job and he does do some fishing and hunting as well. I get angry sometimes to, but he works hard at a job that he doesn't really like and then works extra jobs for extra money. I am lucky enough to stay at home full time with an internet business that i love. So, when i start feeling resentful, especially about the extacurricular activities, i just try to adjust my attitude to one of gratitude for a husband that loves me dearly and is a fabulous father and that all of our needs are met. Prayer for attitude changes for yourself and perhaps job changes for your husband could bring about some amazing miracles.
Have a fabulous day and god bless!!

J., really now you are angry because your husband is making a living for you and your baby? In these times I would be thankful that he was gone to make a living for me. You need to rethink your reason for being angry. Are you angry because he is not there to help you with your child or is it because you are jealous and worried about what he is doing when he is away from home? You have to figure this out on your own but if it is because you have to do all the work at home and all the raising of the baby you should not be angry at all instead you should be thankful. Think about it this way. he is away making money so that I can stay at home and enjoy my child more and I am able to raise my child instead of a daycare. If you had to work all the time away from home it would be alot worse. He is missing alot because of his job and I am sure he wants to see the milestones too.

Hi J.,

My husband also travels. With his new job it is only during the week, but he has been gone for weeks at a time. While I miss him and the routine that comes with a 9-5 working hubby, I have found my own routine and to be honest, we all work better when he is gone during the week! He spends more quality time with our 3YO,DD when he is here and they have their own special stuff. She leaves drawings in his suitcase (Which he pretends not to see) He sends a photo daily via e-mail of a 3 inch hippo that travels with him "to keep track of Daddy". (Hippos are her thing...we stole the idea from that commercial where the kid sticks her monkey in daddy's bag, but it works great and they both love it)

As for me...I kinda like my quiet time. We have a great routine and my hubby and I talk several times a day, but the best is the before bed call. I think we have more to say to each other than the weeks when he is here. I take lots of pictures of things he might have missed and send them to him and we have a web cam when one of us girls is missing him and wants to say hi. I also have a large dog which helps me feel safe.

We do a nice dinner on the day he is expected back to show him how much we missed him, then I hit him up to do all of the Man Crap I have been saving for him to do all week.

I know lots of women who's husbands don't see their kids for more than an hour at night, if at all because they don't get home until it is near bedtime. Then, they have to clean up after him and feed him all week too. There are pros and cons. Think positive! Good luck!

The first three years of our marriage, my husband worked full time at a hospital 1-hour drive away (nights and weekends) and also went to school full-time. Now he's in medical school and I'm 8-months pregnant with our second and chasing a 17-month-old around. It's hard some days - and especially when our first was very young, it was hard on the weekends to get no rest. I learned to call on friends from help, even though I felt like such a wimp and that people would look down on me for not being able to do it myself. Even if I didn't know the people very well (people from Church); but I got to know them a bit better afterwards.

Also see if you can find playgroups to attend. Don't expect to get to every meeting, since sometimes your lovely son will need a nap or one of you will be sick or something like that. But that's another way to build friendships.

As for personal attitude - it IS hard sometimes not to be resentful. Some things that helped me: (1) Prayer. It's hard to resent someone if you're praying for their welfare and for your own strength. (2) Books like Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "Bonds that Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner. I'd recommend starting with the second one first - it changed my life, and I rarely say that about anything. Both are excellent. (3) Going over in my mind why we're doing what we're doing. If the schedule we're on is the best one for what we're trying to accomplish, then feeling resentful is pointless. Of course, talk openly and respectfully with your husband about your concerns and see if there is any way to adjust things; but if not, it's like saying "I hate my hair" but refusing to make any changes to it.

Feelings are feelings, and they're neither wrong nor right. But you can change how you think about things, and you can change what you do. Sometimes if I'm feeling really stressed and resentful, I get a card and flowers for my husband, to remind him that I love him and that I'm grateful we're together. And that helps my attitude, because I'm showing love without expecting to get some first. And then he shows me more love, so it feeds on itself.

Good luck with everything - while I don't see my husband much in a day, I still generally see him for a couple hours (except during finals). When residency comes, I'm sure I'll never see him and I'll struggle more with this, but I know we're never given any more than we can handle. (Though to quote Mother Teresa, "sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much!")

I can understand the frustration and stress that can occur with a husband being gone alot. My husband is active duty military and a combat soldier, at that. Which means , when he is "home" (meaning not deployed)...he is still gone on average two weeks of every month. He actually left the day we found out i was preg w/ our first child for a few weeks. He left for a month when our first child was two weeks old. During his 1st year of life...gone at least half the time and right after my son turned one, he deployed to iraq for several months. (Did i mention that two days before he deployed we found out i was pregnant again??!! lol) He came over for 3 and a half months , again spending half that time away in the field training, and then deployed again for a 15 month tour. He left when our daughter was 6 days old. We induced so he could meet her. He got to come home for 2 weeks of leave when she was nine months and my son almost 2 and a half. So, basically .....he left me raising two kids from newborn to toddlers and really close in age on my own. I just had to keep reminding myself how important what he was doing was, how proud i am of him, not to mention just hoping he'd make it back. But also, when iw as stressed ......just take a step back and think as I did. Although the kids could be going nuts and you so need a break.....just remember that at least you are getting to see all these special moments in your kids lives and build memories together. The men being away due to whatever kind of work are missing these times that can never be replaced. The two of you just need to both recognize it is hard to be away from teh kids, but it is also hard to NEVER be away and have no time for yourself. And that raising kids 24/7 ...or working and doing it alone is very hard. So when he is in, take a day--a few hours--whatever......for yourself. Give yourself the "you" time you deserve. And it'll give him time to bond w/ the kids and make memories. The kids and the father can enjoy, plus if you leave for over a day or s o.....they will def learn how hard your job is and appreciate all you do. Just remember you are not alone.....feeling those things don't make you a bad wife or mom.....just makes you human. And probaly a tired, stressed woman that just needs a break and is longing for family time and missing her hubby. Good luck

I can relate. My only advice is to make the best of the time you have together. I make sure that I get lots of breaks when he is home.

From some of the things you say, I think you are overwhelmed more then angry. I don't have a husband who is gone all the time but I am a single mom to 6 1/2 yr old twin boys and there were so many times I felt like you do now. Everything seems like work instead of enjoyment, this is more common then you think.
See if your husband could take a few days off, then you and your husband need to make a list of priorities you want for your family and how to make them work. Make out a schedule to clean house, a lot of people recomended www.flylady.net to me and I have went on the site but don't really use it like I should they break things down into one task at a time and add a new task at a time.
Then ask whomever watches your son when you go to work to see if they will keep him an hour or so longer a day so you can get some "me" time in, or clean house so you can have some quality baby and me time like go to the park or zoo later or just plain take a nap some days.
You could probably also use this site to see if there are other moms in your area where you can do things with.
You have to remember that even though it feels like you are doing this alone, your husband is helping by working and taking care of the family. It's probably also hard on him because he is missing out on so much. When he gets home from being gone, I would spend some family time together but then maybe plan on getting something done that you want to do a little more me time or grocery shopping alone and give dad and son some alone time so they have some time to bond. Also try and work in a date night with your husband.
Something else too, that you didn't mention if you are tired all the time and that is part of the problem go to your doctor and have them run some extensive lab tests. There are several things that can get out of wack when you have a baby. Thyroid, copper levels, different minerals.
One last thing, even though your husband is gone all the time for work, when he gets home he deserves a little me time also. You may think that since he is gone that is his me time and maybe that will have to be when he does get some but I am sure it is nice to come home and have a little me time also. Constructive communication is always the key.
I hope some of this helps. YOU are doing a great job!

I can completely understand. My hubby works 6 days per week and around 12 hours per day on average...every week. I have two children, ages 2 and 4. I have been in your shoes (and sometimes still am) as far as being frustrated. I know that no matter how much you love your child you can sometimes feel 'stuck' doing more than your fair share of everything. Since your hubby is trying to get out of work obligations, it's not that he doesn't want to be home so that's a good thing. It's difficult not to be angry sometimes, but try to remember that he's doing his part to contribute to the family in a different way...by working and providing money. I'm sure that given the chance your hubby would rather be home with you and your child in a heartbeat so trying to remember that also helps a lot. To keep your son connected to your hubby (and help you feel better about him yourself) I would try to incorporate him into your day with your son. Have your son color (I realize he's only 13 mos old =)) a picture for your hubby to give to him when he gets home from work and things like that. Doing stuff like that always helped me to see my hubby through my children's eyes instead of always being angry at him. You can't change the situation, but you can make it easier on both you and your son. Good luck!! Send me a message anytime you need to talk. =)

Hi J.,
I don't really see the below responses as particularly negative, but I guess it depends on how you read them. I think people have brought up a lot of good points. I don't know if I agree about looking for a job for him behind his back though...that might make him believe you think poorly of him right now. I hope you read them all in the spirit that people are truly trying to help, even if their writing style or what they say might seem a bit harsh.
My husband is in the military. He's gone a lot and works crazy hours when he is here. In fact, he'll be gone for 1/2 of January. He even missed our son's birth because he was in Iraq for 6 months (the second time in 2 years). I get frustrated too sometimes, but there's little I can do to change it. He loves his job, so I support him fully. It has allowed me to stay home with my son, which I value more than gold.
I guess the ways I handle it are to 1) stay busy and 2) find a good network of friends in the same boat. Each time he deploys for a long time I try to find some activity to keep my sane. It's a little harder now that I have a son, but I do something he can come to...like piano lessons or art or cooking classes or volunteer work. If he can't come, I try to find a friend who will help to watch him. Or, I fill up our time with playgroups and free story hours. I feel like my son and I have bonded so very strongly because of my husband's absence (which is both a blessing and a curse sometimes). I guess because of the military I have built-in network of friends who are in the same boat, so we get together a lot. It gives us a chance to whine and complain about our husband's jobs, but we sure feel better after! I really hope this helps! I feel your pain!!!!

Unfortunately travelling is often required for maintaining a home and providing for family however it isn't easy for those left at home--my husband didn't travel with his work, but was often gone--helping his dad or others and we had 4 children and I was a stay at home mom too--believe me, "frustration" is a real word!!! Don't know if this will help, but I want to encourage you as someone did me years ago. She told me to make sure all that can be done while he is away gets done so there's time to spend with him when he is home. I found that I tried to have all the laundry, cleaning, etc. completed or just be willing to put some things on the "back burner" while he was home--it helped me to be less frustrated. I hope you can find some new hobbys--join a bowling league or bible study group or read stories to children at school or library to help keep you busy and you will feel more productive. Hope you have better days ahead and see less of the anger and frustration. K.

Hi, J.:

My husband is away a lot too, and I want to validate your feelings that it is unbelievably hard to be alone with an infant, no matter how wonderful they are! My children are older now, and it is much easier at this point, but I sometimes thought I was going crazy when I was in your shoes!! Do you have friends with small children, or are you pretty isolated? I think having some kind of community is key -- you just can't do it alone, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that (but I can tell you do). The young Moms at my church have a Moms group that meets every week, and they have a lot of activities during the week as well. Even if your husband is wonderful, he can't understand 100% what you are going through, but other Moms can!

As you have been married for 10 years, I'm going to assume having your first child was a BIG adjustment. I know it was for me. My husband also works long hours. We now have 3 kids. It use to drive me crazy. I felt so jealous when I saw other cars pulling into driveways at 5:30 and knew that I had several more hours alone with our daughter. A few suggestions. 1) Try to get out of the house some. Your son is old enough to enjoy trips to the park, zoo, long walks, duck pond, library, etc... You will both have a better attitude. All the better if you know someone else with a toddler and you both can go. 2.) Try joining a gym. Your son can be in childcare while you workout, you can even bring your stuff and shower/get ready while he's in childcare. This gives you 1 - 2 hours peace each day. 3.) Hardest part - adjust your attitude. With the economy tight, you are lucky to be able to stay home with your son. Obviously this is the job that your husband needs to have in order to allow this to happen. He is working hard and missing out on so much at home. If it weren't for his successful job, you would both be getting up every morning and rushing around to get a child ready for day care. Spending all day away from your child and then picking up a grumpy toddler at 6:00 - still needing to cook dinner, clean, and try to spend a little time with your kid before putting him to bed. Only to start it all over again. Try to embrace his job as it allows you the gift of staying home with your son. Believe me - It's a long road, I use to get very angry/frustrated too, but much better now. On a totally separate note - the stay at home mom thing get much more fun as they get older. They interact more, join more activities, you meet more moms . . . I really didn't enjoy the 1st two years at home that much, then a 2nd kid kept me busier . . . more friends . . . etc...

I have a four year old and a 10 month old and my husband just returned from a deployment overseas. He left shortly after the baby was born. It is hard to not feel resentful because he seems to get out of all the hard work and it is increasingly frustrated. Stay busy, meet up with other people with children. If you can find some time away without the baby it will do you wonders. You still need some time for yourself. Take care...it gets easier as they get older!!!

I grew up an "Air Force brat" whose Dad was gone a lot. The time he did spend with us was wonderful and my Mom was a ROCK. She was a "take charge" lady and her example helped me when I married an electrical engineer who travels a lot!

The time he spent with us (our daughter is now 26 yrs) then and now was great. In this day and time, I am grateful that he has such a great paying job.

There was a time when fathers weren't always home. I found it helpful to get involved with others in my situation and with my church.

J.,
My soon to be husband (we're getting married in a a month) travels sometimes for his job, but mostly he's gone a lot because he's on call for work all the time and no matter what we're doing he just has to leave. Before I met him I was married before. My ex husband is in the army and is deployed every other year. I have been home alone a lot with my son who is now five. Something I have always done is try to keep a schedule with him and try to keep busy to pass the time. But of course sometimes I just get upset anyway. I understand why you get angry. Sometimes I get jealous that my fiance gives so much to other people and I feel like I just get whatever time is left, but he knows how I feel and does his best to give us his attention when he is with us. Does you're husband know how hard it is for you that he is gone so much? I don't know how things are for you when he is home, but maybe you could make one night (or some part of the day) your family night when no other plans are made, or maybe every day that he is home you could make it a point to spend 5 or 10 min together just spending time together. I would recommend the book The Five Love Languages for you both to read. We have found that my love language is quality time, which makes it hard since my fiance is gone so much. His love language is physical touch. I think it helps a lot to for us to know what makes each other feel loved, and if I don't feel loved I will tell him and same with him and we know what to do to fix that. You can find the book at any Christian bookstore. Anyway, I understand how you feel and if you want to talk you can send me a private message.

Sounds like you need a break. Can you schedule a time so that you can just focus on yourself for a littlw while? Maybe get a neighbor or a family member, or even pay a teenager youtrust to watch the baby for a few hours while you treat yourself to a dinner out, go hear a band you like, take in a movie, or even just soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine.
If you're exhausted all the time, it's going to make you more short-tempered than you would be if you were rested, and it's going to make things that would normally be minor annoyances seem like the declaration of World War III.
When he is home, do the two of you get any time alone? That's important too. Otherwise, it may feel to you like he's not there, even when he is. Make plans to do something, just the two of you, when he's home, even if it's just leaving the baby with a sitter long enough to take a walk around the lake togther.

I feel ya'! I definitely don't think that your feelings are missplaced. I have been dealing with this for the last 10 years. He went to work in the mornings, and she was asleep when he returned. When my daughter was 2, I kept telling my hubby that he was missing so much of her life. The one thing that caught his attention was one morning when my daughter said "Bye daddy, see you tomorrow." Then meetings got rescheduled for earlier times. I will say, don't let your anger turn into resentment. Make time for yourself. Find Mother's day out programs or half day child care.