Husband Needs to Go on a Diet

He needs to take control for himself if a diet is going to work. What he's asking you to do "for" him won't work.

I've been in a similar situation, but all I found out was he just wanted someone to blame when things didn't go his way, he's not going to do it unless he makes himself do it. You can't fix/change him he was to be willing to do the work himself for it to work..the only advice I can give is what I did, I did what I said I was going to do, I worked out, ate good and exercised and before long I had my figure back..and after a period of time he figured out how I did it and now we work out together, we ate right (for the most part) and there is not more nagging on either side.

it sounds like hubby is the ultimate man - deny and dodge responsibility for any little thing he can. this is HIS body, not yours. sure, cook healthy meals for your FAMILY. show your children how to be healthy, by examle. if he decides to ruin it, that's on him. it will make it easier for you to be healthy if you put your family on a healthier plan. but don't let him put HIS physical health on you. girl, i understand you want to "help" him - but this is something HE has to do. next time he starts dumping mayo on stuff and loading up on salt, let him. lead your children by your good example. you can only control YOU. if you give him the tools and then don't say another word, its in his hands. good luck!

My husband is on the diabetic diet. It's simple and the whole family can follow it. Cut out any alcohol. Cut down on red meat. Cut out the carbs - no rice or pasta. Only rye or pumpernickel bread. We eat a lot of salads with chicken or ham and cheese in them. He snacks on almonds - no chips! We just don't buy them. He drinks diet soda or water. He has his coffee in the morning. He eats eggs or omlettes for breakfast... it's very healthy. When we go out, he can always find something on the menu that he can eat. The biggest thing is to cut the carbohydrates.
He does have one square of super dark chocolate at night. It's his treat.
Good luck!
YMMV
LBC

I hear you! I have a similar issue with my husband. My weight has remained pretty steady but my husband's has been slowly rising over the past year and several weeks ago he asked me to be more strict with his meals. Despite my feeding us healthfully prepared grilled skinless chicken, broiled fish, lots of salads and steamed fresh veggies for almost 5 weeks, his weight was still going up and he kept complaining. I've actually lost 2 pounds so I asked him what he eats when he is at work and then the TRUTH came out! He was getting a latte every morning at Starbucks and a scone too. I looked it up and the scones have upwards of 20 grams of fat each. He was also grabbing fast food for lunch plus he thought it was healthy to snack on trail mix or dried fruit throughout the day (not to mention the 'secret' Payday candy bars here & there) but I had to explain that the nuts are full of fat and the fruit is dried with lots of sugar.

Even though he told me to be strict on him, when I pointed out these problematic habits he told me that I'm just being mean and judging him. At this point I was annoyed because I have gone to great efforts to find and prepare low fat foods that still taste good so I told him that either he let me help him or I didn't want to hear any more complaints about his weight. I suggested that he try doing things my way for 1 WEEK without complaining about the food and if nothing changed then he doesn't have to do it anymore. He agreed to try it. I started sending him to work with yogurt parfaits that I prepare at home with nonfat yogurt, some fresh berries, and 1/4 cup of granola. I encourage him to come home for lunch so I can make him a lean turkey sandwich and fruit or baked chips. I also bought him single serve boxes of raisins and fat free pretzels for snacks. When I get dinner ready, I put out the condiments that are appropriate for the diet and that means fat free dressings and no butter. He said he's lost a few pounds so far and it's only been about 2 weeks. Maybe you could check what your husband eats when he's at work and then make a similar deal with him to try it your way for a week. If not, then personally, I'd tell him he's on his own because he clearly doesn't want your help, just someone to blame. Men can be so stubborn. Best of luck to ya.

My answer has two parts to it.
First, look up 'narcissist' online and see what you think.
Second, you are not his mom and you are not responsible for his weight loss or lack thereof. If he wanted to, he would. He is a grown man and should be treated like it. You can't save another person from their own bad choices even if they want you to, and you are willing to because you love them- and I don't think it is wise to either.
I am not saying you ARE treating him like a baby, or child, but he seems to desire that from you, and that puts an unfair burden on you to make something happen for him that you have no control over. Which means if you make him fish and veggies and he sabotages it, if he has handed over the whole responsibility of the food to you, and says you are in charge of this new project-HIM- and then refuses to participate, whose fault is it? Whose responsibility?
You can encourage and inspire by your example, without words or a disappointed attitude. :) Your responsibility is to yourself, to take care of yourself and the children, and keep cheerful with him, whether he chooses to go his own way in this, and gently point out if he blames you for his lack of effort that there are some differences in your approaches to eating healthy. Don't get sucked into a fight, and refuse to get upset over it.
My dh thought that as long as it was veggies and trim meats that he could 'snack' and he would lose weight. 'Snacks' could be a bag of chips, crackers, sodas- afrustration for me, but I clamped my mouth shut, and persisted in buying NO junk foods when I shopped. I knew he would get what he wanted anyway, but i was bulldog determined to keep myself in line. I lost weight, and he has not- now he will admit he doesn't want to put forth the effort right now, oy.
I was not a very effective conscience/motivator (lol) and when I tried(boy, did I!) our relationship shot downhill SO fast and noone was happy. I told him look, I can't do this anymore. You want this to happen, you have to make it happen. Tell me what you need me to do, I'll do it. But if you don't do your part, I'm done. I will not clean up after you or take the hit anymore when you don't keep your end up. I love you dearly. But I need to be able to treat you like a man, not like another child. I respect you so much (!yeah i said that) and I can't if I have to treat you as any less than a man. Like I said I will help you willingly, but I can't be your conscience, nag, alarm clock, MOM, or whatever. "
Then I bit my tongue and kept it there. I would literally LEAVE the room when he would start- bathroom, kids, whatever excuse I could find and regroup my mind. I did not let the situation get me down- when i did, it was in private.
Ten years later, i do not nag, and he still forgets stuff, or lets it go- which bothers me yeah, but I have also learned to deal with it better. Some things started resolving themselves, like waking up for work by himself- a few mornings of being late and getting chewed out by the boss got him setting his alarm on his own. I do not spend an hour shaking him and starting my day angry and anxious because 'I did not wake him up on time' KWIM? He is still overweight, but he admits it is by choice now- he doesn't feel like putting in the work necessary to lose, doesn't feel like he has a good reason, like sports used to in high school for him. Funny, how differently he sees it than i do. Anyway,
LONG message but I feel you, and I hope this vent/post helps a little, even if it lets you know someone else has been there before. :)

You have to think of a proper diet as a lifestyle habit, not as a temporary thing to lose weight. YOu will have to get rid of all temptations in the house and have only healthful things to eat.

A healthful diets consists primarily of fresh fruits and veggies, WHOLE grains, legumes (beans), nuts and seeds. Minimize ALL animal protein (please read The China Study by T Colin Campbell) and eliminate cows milk (www.strongbones.org and www.pcrm.org). Use meat more as a flavoring for soups or stews or as the side-dish. We only need about a deck of playing card size piece each day. Don't worry about counting calories as that leads to feelings of deprivation. DO count fiber. For every 14 grams of fiber you add to your diet, you eat 10% fewer calories. Eating lots of fiber makes you feel full.

Eat Less More Often (ELMO)....No food is off limits, but do know the difference between healthful foods and a treat....and don't keep treats in the house....BUT.....

All of this really isn't addressing the most important part of your post...your husband's attitude. Next time he asks you to help him with what he eats, ask him to remember that moment because he tends to forget that request WHEN he eats. Ask him to honestly tell you what he wants and then if he agrees, try to find some word that you will say to him to remind him of his request. For example, if his request revolves around a family member's health problem, maybe you could just say that family member's name when he starts to complain, nothing more! I have a friend who does that with her husband and it almost is a joke now when they have disagreements. Diffuses the situation very quickly.

But I wouldn't be 'drilling' him. He has to do this for himself, because he wants to be as healthy as possible for his family. If you drill him, it seems like he is being forced, even tho he asked you to do this. Tell him you will be fixing yummy, healthy meals and you hope that he likes them because of the good feelings he'll get eating for his health. Healthy eating doesn't have to be associated with deprivation. I suggest you explore recipes at www.vegetariantimes.com. Absolutely fabulous. Pick up a copy at your local bookstore and see how yummy they actually are. Maybe have your hubby help decide on which recipes to try. Another great source of recipes is www.eatingwell.com. There are several sections withing that, vegetarian, kid-friendly, meals for 2, etc.

Mostly, have fun exploring healthy meals that your family likes. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I am taking a series of wellness classes taught by a Naturopath who has her PhD in Nutrition. I have all kinds of great info to share. Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Chelie -
You are not your husband's keeper, and he shouldn't ask you to be. You are his partner. Continue to do what is right for you and your entire family by preparing and serving healthy meals. If he chooses to sabotage himself, that's his choice. You cannot be his conscience, and you don't want him to resent you, so I'd let it go. If his weight is such that it worries you from a health standpoint, I'd have an honest conversation about your concerns, but apart from that, get out of the drill sergeant business. Good luck.

I just want to point out that fat is not necessarily the enemy in your diet unless it's in the form of hydrogenated oils. We need a certain amount of fat to process fat soluble vitamins, so don't be afraid to use unsalted butter made from cows fed at pasture (that would have been awesome with baked fish) and unrefined coconut oil for stir fries. Reserve olive oil for cool dishes and switch to a mayonnaise made with safflower instead of soybean oil. Have you experimented with making soup stocks? Made by boiling down the bones of properly fed animals and mixed with vegetables, herbs, seaweeds, they are full of essential vitamins, minerals and electrolites. Try using them instead of water to cook brown rice and you will have a level of flavor like you've never had before! If he insists on adding salt, switch to sea salt (the more color to it the better), or Bragg's liquid amino acids.

You will both have much more success if you just eliminate white sugar and white flour from your diet. Switch to brown rice pasta instead of wheat and try some new grains like quinoa. I know he says he wants a drill sergeant, but you'll never win that way. Your relationship should be a partnership, not a struggle for power.
Good luck to you both!

Ugh... I am not the right person to get advice from on this. I don't handle this type of thing well or in the right way. I throw in the towel and tell my husband to fend for himself if he's going to complain... Real loving wife, I know! BUT, I wanted to respond and tell you that you aren't alone. I think men get down about their bodies even more than women do sometimes because they used to be so strong, so fast, so muscular. Most women always deal with body image, from a young age and it's a little new for "aging" men. It just really gets to them that they can't do the things they used to. It's easier to deflect some of that frustration onto us because they're embarrassed about the fact that they aren't disciplined enough to buckle down and do it. They feel like failures. They also worry that they won't be able to do it - get thin, get strong, get fast - ever again. I think they feel a bit emasculated. As women, we get down on ourselves and have this self-loathing attitude. Men project it onto someone else, not letting go of their confident facade. We're going through similar things in my home. :-) Good luck!!

Oh Boy!

I so understand. My husband has fought weight our entire marriage. I feel like a nag sometimes but he does need help to eat healthy. I'm not kidding when I say this, but after a lifetime of overeating and horrible choices he just forgets to eat right. He knows what an appropriate portion is, but he mindlessly takes more. So I help him stay on task.........occasionally, when I see him start to slide back.

You can tell your husband that mine developed diabetes because of his eating habits, so it would be a good idea to get things healthier NOW.

After diabetes came into our lives I really started doing research, etc... I got into health products and then started my own small business. A got my husband started on a weight loss program that was fantastic. He loved it because he wasn't hungry on it and actually felt better than he had felt in years......because he was nutritionally eating correctly.

So, to answer your question..........keep helping your husband, but don't let him get away with making you the bad guy. Help him, but don't control him. Talk to him and come up with a code word you can use to let him know he might want to re-consider his choices.........but don't use it freely. Pick your battles.

And contact me if you would like a link to look at the weight loss program that worked for my husband.

He asked you to be his drill sergeant and then accuses you of being accusing? He begs you to force him to eat healthy and then ruins all of your hard work. He has to want it too and be disciplined, but he's asking you to do all the work and then being unappreciative when you do.

If I were you, I would still continue cooking healthy, well-balanced meals because it's good for your whole family and starts good habits for your kiddos. But I would stop worrying about what he does because that will wear you out and it is controlling. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. And it's unfair of him to expect you to take care of a capable adult. It creates a parent/child relationship in a marriage. Read the book the Surrendered Wife (great book that really helped my marriage) if you feel like this is a recurring dynamic in your marriage. Of course you're going to worry because you care about him and because you've put all this effort into cooking healthy, but what he does/eat really is out of your hands. But I would definitely talk to him and tell him how you feel about him asking you to help and then complaining about it after you put forth all this effort. Let him know it hurts your feelings or try to say it in a vulnerable, loving way instead of an attacking, angry way so he won't get defensive. Good luck!

Why not get rid of the mayo? Just totally remove the temptation. Or switch to the mayo with olive oil. It still tastes really good, but has about 1/2 the fat of regular mayo. They have "light" butters too. And get a salt substitute.
You can only be responsible for so much. If he's not going to make the change himself, then you can't really force him to. Keep making healthy meals, take all the junk food out of the house, he'll lose weight if you just do that. And maybe once a week reward yourselves with a treat. Even Jillian Michaels says not to deprive yourself completely of your vices. If you let yourself have a small piece of chocolate every night then you're less likely to binge.

I would let him figure it out. You are not his mom or drill sergeant. He is a big boy and should eb able to figure out what he needs/wants. Of course support can help but to be blamed for his eating behavior is proposterous. I would tell him HE IS ON HIS OWN.