Husband Not Pitching in as I Would Like.

Hi D.,
sounds like he may be feeling a little "left out",,,, not intentionally but in his "psycee"
What chores would you like for him to do? take out the trash....do dishes.....laundry....run the sweeper ......and what are his usual "deeds around the house"?......
try this- make a list of things you would like help with- sit down with him and see if he is willing to help in that way- and if these particular chores do not get done- then leave them........he will catch on
try waiting until he is home to give baby his bath- maybe daddy would like to take part in that task- He may be feeling that baby is more important than he is-
This too shall pass if you can be patient enough to hold on-
good luck and blessings

Well D. welcome to the club!! I will tell you what I do every once in awhile....I take a whole entire weekend off. I go stay with a friend or my friends and I go to the coast or just a close by city. I relax for 2 whole entire days.

The first few times I would write down what chores needed to be done and now I just kinda leave anything over and above the norm.

I get to rest and he gets to appreciate how much I do.

good luck
Debra

There have been studies about couples post-baby. It seems that postpartum depression is more common than we though - if the mother doesn't get it, the father might. It's an emotional thing of having a new baby. A drastic personality change like that - he needs counseling. Good luck.

My husband was also the same until our daughter got older in months. She is now 10 months and I guess there is more to do with her now. Some men just need more time warming up to the idea of fatherhood. I have a friend who's husband didn't warm up until their 3rd child. Unfortunately you'll just have to be supermom for a while and eventually he'll come around. Don't even think about divorce because remember you said that you have a good husband. A lot of women can't say that. Men aren't like women who's motherhood instinct kicks in at conception or birth. Give him time and pray.

D.,

You mention that "he won't lift a finger to do anything unless I ask." Then ask! This may infuriate you, but it may be something that you just have to accept. Also, keep in mind that a lot of men just don't know what to do when it comes to caring for a child. He may need a little guidance. Be specific about what you want him to do. If he was wonderful before the baby, then try to hang on to him - that person is still in there somewhere. Good luck!

My husband and I are so different about what needs to be done and who should do it. I do remember that when I used to work, he picked up our daughter from daycare and brought her home and when I got home, I needed about 20 minutes of quiet time. I worked retail and all day long my phone rang, I was being paged all over the store and people were constantly talking to me asking for help. I also was standing, walking, lifting all day long. I just needed some time to rest my brain. Maybe you could make a deal with your husband, that you will give him a certain amount of time and then the two of you will start the evening routine.

Be very specific about what needs to be done.
Like one of the previous posters said, men do not see that they need to "clean or straighten" the house. They need to know, "I need you to put a load of laundry in the washer", Please "take the clothes out of the dryer and fold them". "Please throw out all of the trash from around the house."

"I will clean up the dinner stuff if you will bathe the baby." It seems ridiculous and believe me after almost 30 years of marriage, it still gets on my last nerve that my husband does not seem to know what "needs to be done".

I do not know how their minds work, so I just ask for very specific needs. I have been told by many moms of boys that no matter how hard they have tried, their own sons still end up like this when they grow to be men. Even the boys that I thought for sure had "been trained very well by their moms" still are just not natural at these tasks. Men seem willing to live differently than women.

BTW at one point very early in our marriage, I was ready for a divorce. We went to marriage counseling and made the decision we were through and our marriage was over. When we went out of the office, we sat down to talk about all of it and then realized, we had learned how to talk with each other! We gave it another try and sure enough it has been many decades since then and I now have the number of a criminal defense attorney on my cell phone (she is a very good friend)so that if I end up in the Travis County lock up, hee, hee... You get the picture..

You just have to come to terms with what are you really willing to do to keep your family a whole family? What is it really worth to you? How hard of a worker are you? What are you willing to do for your son? What example are you giving your son? Our daughter is now in college and she is very bright. She knows I am not a total prize and that her dad is not a total prize, but she knows that we love each other, we love her and we made it work even though on the outside I am sure that their are people that think, "Boy why does he stay with that bossy lady".
I am sending you patience.

I get out of town a few times a year. It is wonderful. Go visit a friend in another city and leave it all to him for just one day/night or even two. If it doesn't give him appreciation for everything you do you can atleast get a little break.

As for considering divorce...your baby is still a baby - it is HARD WORK and even harder on your relationship. You are both still adjusting to life with child. Maybe find some fun stuff to do on the weekends so that you can all 3 connect as a family and focus on the joy of parenting. It can be a drag if you are just doing 'what needs to be done' (housework, errands,obligations, etc.)

Hang in there mama!

You have a lot of responses already, and I'm sure others have already suggested this, but I would give counseling a try before throwing in the towel. Having children changes a relationship dramatically, and sometimes you need help getting back to that place where you first fell for one another. He may need a professional to draw out of him what is really going on...he may be feeling left out, neglected and lonely since the baby came, but he would feel like a total heel to complain about it (what man wants to admit he's jealous of his own child?), so instead he punishes you by not helping out around the house. This sounds crazy but is actually very typical. For me, it wasn't the birth of the first child, but my decision to stay home once the 2nd child was born, that brought up all those feelings of jealousy and resentment in my husband. There were many times I didn't think we'd make it, but here we are still together after 3 children and 22 years, so it can be done! Also, as others have said, men do NOT take 'hints.' They have to be told specifically what you want them to do. Try it! If you develop the habit of asking him to do specific things, you may find yourself relaxing and not being so stressed about the situation. Good luck!

Hi D.,

I can relate to your frustration, but I can also tell you, that men work different then we do, if they are not asked to do something they simply don't think to do it, and they expect us to do it. In being married to my husband for 3 years and I have a 15 month old son also, this is what I have learned, as much as it may bother you that you have to ASK him for help instead of him OFFERING to help, that is just how they are. Now if he argues back with you as too why he doesn't want to do what you've asked him to help with then that is a deeper issue. Don't hold all your frustrations in side, you and your husband must communicate to keep a strong relationship, and I don't mean communicationg by argueing, but real communication in a mature manner on what is bothering you and how you feel.

Hope this helps :)

L.

The 8 responses so far are pretty good :) I will only add that it usually always takes way longer for the man to bond with the child on that level. And yes, tell him to do bath time. I, too, have noticed that if you don't specifically tell them what you need...it often does not happen. This is a very new experience for all of you - but you will get through it and you guys will be a great family. Just wait until he realizes he can play ball with the boy! Men are different, and to a degree he makes a point, we were the ones built for it. Doesn't sound fair, I know, but I am damn proud to be the mother in my little family. It's a blessing. It's just excruciatingly difficult and frustrating in that first year or two.

I regret to say that I did not read the other posts, as there were so many, and to tell it truthfully, I just didn't have time, so please forgive me if I repeat anything that someone else already said.
First I want to commend you on being a good mommy, and wife and financial contributor to your household on top of it all. It is very common, for a couple to have a great relationship...until the children come along!
Just as the mommy goes through hormonal changes through the pregnancy and birth of the child, the husband seems to go through some emotional changes as well. Many husbands feel left out, and as if the child seems to be more important to you than they are, and although most will never admit it, they feel neglected and hurt and even threatened by the change in relationship.
You know how when two girlfriends go out to lunch, it's just the best day ever, but when three girlfriends do anything together, there is always one that feels slightly out of the loop? That's how husbands often feel, when that third party shows up in your relationship.
Quite often the marriage bed, and intimacy suffers, Because of your hormones, the fear of getting pregnant again, and just plain old exhaustion , let's face it your sex life probably isn't what it was pre-baby! So hubby has lost his intimate connection to you, and feels shunned, because of your energies being focused on the little one. It is really important to give hubby one on one positive attention, both in and out of the bedroom. Have a date night at least once a week, make time and an point to have intimacy with him, even if it means letting a little housework go, so you can take a nap, and be rested for that night's special one on one time. I think that giving your husband this attention, will go a lot further than nagging him about how he doesn't help out. and don't be afraid to use sex as a bargaining chip. as in " Honey, I would appreciate it if you would take care of the baby, and maybe clean up the kitchen, while I take a nice long bath, and get all cleaned up, so that you and I can have a special romantic time together in the bedroom, as soon as jr. is off to sleep" I bet he will jump on that idea! Best of luck! Remember, times are the toughest when children come into the picture, usually both parents feel the load, and feel that they are doing more than the other. My first husband to this day tells my 24 yr old son, that he changed "ALL" of his diapers!. I guess I just left him in a soiled diaper all day just waiting for my husband to come home! LOL!

Whoa. Been there, got the t shirt 3 times!
Husbands have a hard time when the baby arrives. They sometimes feel out of place, not needed, or not capable of doing things well.
Some quick suggestions, as I know you've gotten a lot of responses:
* Compliment him when he does help
* if he does help and you don't like how he did it, stay silent (my kids wore mismatched clothes a lot, he put on the wrong sleeper, or didn't burp baby very often....but I did get my husband to help after awhile. My mother wisely told me to stay quiet except for thank you's.)
* calmly explain that you would have more energy for him if you could get a little break from the chores or the baby.
* Kindly and nicely, without any hint of complaining whatsoever, ask for help. After one particularly rough week I was in tears and overwhelmed, while my husband relaxed and watched TV. I was so upset and hysterical, he had to calm me down, and he finally said, "You should ask me for help. I thought you were happy handling everything your way. I don't read minds." And that's true. Many husbands do not read minds or body language or slamming doors or heavy sighs....
* get help from a 3rd party if this continues despite your best effort. See a pastor or a counselor....do not let separation be an option. Your baby needs both his parents.

If you lived with your husband 3.5 years before getting married, I'm sure some of his deficiencies were obvious then but perhaps not so pronounced. Did he wash dishes, put them away, dry them, shop for groceries, wash clothes, fold clothes, put clothes away, vaccum, mop, dust, mow the lawn, etc? If he did or helped with all of these things then it's possible he has a form of depression that new parents sink into - they have had a dose of reality they are no longer single and carefree and have responsibilities.

If you can honestly say he 1/2 way helped with this stuff - then his behavior hasn't changed - it's just been magnified because you now have responsibilities. The way he was before you had a baby is the way he is now.

The "bomb" lifestyle and intimancy on a regular basis has been replaced and shifted. Part of his problem may be that he doesn't see you as the "hot chick" girlfriend - but you've now turned into a "MOM" - which is an issue for a lot of guys to deal with.

You might want to consider marriage counseling before crossing the line to something drastic. Me personally - I also use to think I didn't need / want a man who didn't cotribute to the level in which I did things. However, I meant the love of my life and although he and I are different, we compliment each other, we both are working towards the same goals, our family is important to us and we've learned (still learning) to live with each other's ways. Our rule - if you don't like how something was done - do it yourself or don't complain.

You are a super mom and wife!! Working full time plus taking care of the home is a huge accomplishment, so give yourself credit for you do every day!!

We are taking a class on strengthening your marriage, and we have learned the following so far.
1. When you have a concern, do "I" statements and take full responsibility, this avoid the other person feeling like you are blaming him. For Example, I feel I am doing everything I can to take care of the house,and I am just exhausted, or I feel there are so many things to do after I get off work I just cant do them all!!! I hope you get what I am trying to say.
2. There other thing is that 5 to 1 ratio, for every negative things you bring to the conversation you have to come up with 5 positive!!! I know it seems like impossible , but it totally works
3. When communicating with him, ask questions, instead of jumping to a conclusion , even though in you head your answer is yes or no, do not say it right ways, just ask questions, be understanding.

This is from my mom, when you want your husband to help out, start buy saying :we dont we go together and put the kids to sleep, hey can you help with this please, dont say help me, just help, becasue the house its not just yours, or the clothes or the mess, so start as a team, instead of askinghim to do something.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!! Marriage is not easy, but I have found it to be a challenge that makes us stronger every day, and makes me believe that through love and understanding we will succeed.

I feel your pain! You need to sit down after the prince is in bed and explain to your husband in no uncertain terms that this current arrangement isn't working for you. I understand that he needs to have down time but please tell me, when is your down time? I have read several posts and its "oh let him have his time, he works so hard", blah blah blah. Well you work hard too and you are getting no relief. Why can't he take the baby to daycare and you pick up? Give him about 20 minutes when he gets home so that he can change his clothes and take a deep breath and then you need to engage him with the baby. Give your son to his father and tell him you are going to go take a shower. If he complains just look at him and say you are taking a shower and he is going to watch his son. You are going to have the push the issue. I don't believe divorce is the answer. Sounds like he is having trouble adjusting to having a child. Good luck and let us know what happens!

Funny, this must be epidemic, judging from recent conversations I've had with friends.
The only thing I can think to suggest is why don't you try not taking care of the bath time, etc., before your husband gets home? In a sense, if you think about it this way, this is bonding time with this son that he's being deprived of. Why not - when he walks in and has had a few minutes to wind down- tell him that you saved bath, pajama and reading time for him tonight? And then hand him your son. He's really pretty well off the hook if you've done it all before he gets home.
I think, too, that this is an ongoing conversation and there's a lot to face up to that isn't pleasant. It can be tough on men, for instance, to feel your focus shift, even to your child. In this sense, I think men can be quite adolescent, but it is what it is, so it's probably worth asking yourself if you're too tired these days to spend some alone time with your husband and, if so, how that might be affecting him?
I think many women contemplate the: Wouldn't I be better off alone question? Probably more than will own up to it.
That said, I think these can be temporary problems of early parenting and so it's worth trying hard to make it work. If you haven't told your husband how frustrated you are, so frustrated that you muse about separation, you might start there and then honestly try to hear him out, his frustrations and fears.
Good luck!

I have not read the other responses, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My husband and I have been married 5 years and a daughter who is 2 1/2. Prior to her arrival, my husband was awesome. We both work full-time and I was working to finish my degree. He cooked, did laundry, etc. I was appreciative. My DD has a traumatic arrival into this world and we were in survival mode her first year. DH stopped doing the things he had done before, and I hated it. I hated asking him to help out. I thought he should know what needs to be done and just do it. In turn, he didn't help out inside because he was doing outside stuff and since "I never asked for help" he didn't think I needed it.

One of my biggest beefs is that if he is folding clothes, I always help (unless I am doing something different); but if I am folding clothes...he doesn't even offer to help. He says he doesn't ask for help, I just give it, and if I want his assistance I should ask. ARGH!!! After several heated discussions, he will usually come and help if he sees me folding clothes.

We are working through our issues with division of house work. But what is seeming to work for us is me giving in to the fact that men and women are different and as a man my DH doesn't always "see" what needs to be done. So, when I need his help, I ask. Example, two weeks ago he was getting ready to go to bed and so I asked him to do one of the two chores left to be done before he laid down. He did it. Same thing happened last night. It's working...It might not be how I would dream (husband just does and doesn't have to be told); but it's working. Now in 10 years when I have to treat my DH and children the same way when it comes to chores...we might rethink our plan.

Good Luck and I truly hope you are able to work through things.

AB

Do you think it would help to make a household schedule of some sort that lists all of the things that need to be done and when? Then, split up the "to do's" between you. I think you really need to be specific with men because they can be pretty task oriented and cannot multi task as well as we can. Also, just using the words "I need your help" is too open ended for them. You have to say "Could you please take out the trash and do the dishes". I know how frustrating it can be when you have to ask for every little thing. I do too and it is infuriating, but I have learned that to do that and have it get done is better than me doing everything myself. If you can make the chores part of the daily routine (post the schedule on the fridge so EVERYONE can see it...no excuses!), eventually, you may not have to ask all of the time. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but I don't think these are divorce-worthy issues. These are normal things that almost all new parents go through. Also, you weren't married long before the baby came along, so you may have missed out on some time to get used to the marriage relationship. Counseling may be a good thing for you guys as well if he is willing to go. But, you may just want to try a schedule first and have a discussion (as calmly as possible) about expectation that you have. This is usually the biggest issue (your expecations and his being so different). If you can resolve even some of those things, you may be surprised how much better things can be. Good luck to you!

Divorce will only make things worse. Consider looking at other options, like paying someone to come in and do the main cleaning. A little financial sacrifice to save your marriage is worth it. Talk to him when you're not angry and he's had time to relax. Explain how you need some time as well. See if after 30 min or an hour of time for him to relax after work he could then give you the same time and watch your son. Men desperately need that calming time as soon as they get home. I'm not saying you don't, but it's something really important for them. Also, talk to him about you only working part-time for now. And, then when you have more kids, maybe even cutting back more. If he doesn't want that, maybe he will realize you need some help around the house. Many men aren't equipped for that. He should help; I'm not excusing that. But, if he doesn't. Pay for someone else to help you. Or, worse case, you may have to suck it up for awhile. But, don't divorce over this! That would be a very selfish thing to do. This is a very common problem between couples, especially when there are traditional role expectations. I learned very fast that I could not handle a full-time job and all of the household duties well at all (I have to do the traditional manly stuff too). My husband helps, but he has his limits. Staying at home has helped in a lot of ways, even though I still have to work on my attitude. The financial sacrifice has been well worth it so far.

As much as it hurts, do not get a divorce, it will hurt your prince more. Decide what you will do (cook, play time)and what your husband will do (dishes, bath time). Schedule a weekly date night for a babysitter to come over. You and your husband get away (sometimes my husband will drop me off at the mall and he'll go to a sports bar to watch sports/drink). Hang in there, it will get easier as your prince gets older and makes friends and will go to their house to play....:)

divorce is out of the question. you will get threw this as you will with other things. my hubby dosent feed,bathe,and rarely does story time. when our son was in the first year my hubby didnt have much to do with him. i started singing that song "little boy blue and the man on the moon...when you comming home dad....cat and the cradle" it really bothered him. and he told me that as our son got older he would do more things with him. i work full time from home but my son goes to daycare. my hubby works full time too. when he gets home we say hello and i let him have a break. we will go into the room dad is in and have "family" time. our son goes to sleep at 8 so i know my break will come then. i am sure that mommas will have some helpful advice as for getting him to pitch in...my advice is to change your mind about what is going on stop looking at him like he isnt helping and start enjoying your family together, if he isnt paying attention let him know that he is missing out. since our son turned one and my husband wasnt scared to drop him he has done more with him and as he keeps growing they are spending more time together. when they do spend time together try not to nag dad and tell him thats not the way... good luck.

I felt like I was reading about myself. I have three kids (5,3,1), work full-time-leave house at 5:30a and get home at 4:00p. I do everything. My husband opened his own business three years ago and is crazy busy. I do all the kids every night (feed, entertain, bath, bedtime, etc) and clean and no maid :( I get very frustrated as well with no help. I think an earlier post summed it up great that said "If you have a guy you love, who goes to work, loves you, comes home every night and you know adores your child I say hang on to him. There are more important things than someone who knows how to clean...". It will get easier and he will become more involved in your son soon. My husband didn't get that connection with the two older girls until they hit 2-3 or when they started talking. He takes them to the store or whereever on weekends while the 1 yr is sleeping and that is my time to relax (clean :)). It is amazing how much you can get done with NO ONE around. I know a lot of people that probably roll their eyes to Dr. Laura, but she wrote a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and when it got to that point of no return and I was resenting my husband and he actually brought up the divorce card, i got this book and it did change things. I feel like I have been lax with some of the things that the book touched on to do daily here recently, I just picked it up last night again and need to start up on it again. Just this week I was getting fed up with him and being all huffy puffy about everything, which in turn makes him mad to no end and then no one is happy. Unfortunately, you will not change him, you can get mad and slam doors thinking surely he will get it and clean something sooner or later, but no it doesn't happen. Another thing, if he does do something, praise, praise, praise....don't say "well, you could have done it this way" or "when i do it...". I learned that the hard way and pushed him even further. I love my husband very much and love to wake up to him everyday and so blessed by our three children and sometimes that is enough for me to sit back and enjoy the moment and not worry about who is suppose to do laundry and the dishes. Believe me..I know how hard that is to do, but once I do it and actually sit and do a puzzle with one of the kids and not worry about all the cleaning it is the best time EVER.

Dear D.,

You are right to feel the way you do. Raising a family should be a collaborative effort. You said that you have spoken to him about it. I would have another serious conversation with him to let him know that you are becoming exhausted by his manner. Suggest counseling so he understands how serious this issue is. Explain to him that you cannot be there for him if he is not willing to give you a break during the evening. Not to mention, his lack of a relationship with his son. Good luck.

D.,

This is a very common situation. Some of the most common marital disagreements surround parenting, housework, and roles. Problems and conflicts in these areas generally boil down to different expectations. It is very normal for things to change drastically when couples make the transition to parents. A whole new set of expectations comes into play and when those differ it can cause major fights.

To me, it sounds like you need to sit down when it is a good time for both of you and talk about what each of you needs and wants. It is important that you both stay calm during this discussion and state your own needs without accusing or blaming the other. I realize this is easier said than done but it can make a big difference in the outcome of the talk. Also, if things start to get heated during the discussion, I recommend saying calmly, "I can see we are getting upset/angry and I don't want either of us to go to far and say something hurtful, so let's call a time-out and regroup and come back and discuss this when we are both more calm" Then, take a break for a few hours or even a day and take some time to think about what you REALLY want to see happen. Not what you don't want, explicitly what you DO want. And try again to sit down and communicate that to each other.

Personally, I would start off by saying how happy you were in your early relationship and how you understand that having a baby has changed things and that you're both still adjusting to your new roles and figuring things out as you go. I would try to acknowledge that you know he works hard and needs a break/down time at the end of the day. BUT, you also need and deserve down time. So I'd approach it as "I need/want XYZ. I want to know what your needs are and then I want us to work out a solution that meets both of our needs as well as possible." If you need more help around the house, then I'd be as specific as possible with what you'd like him to do and when. If he needs some downtime when he first gets home, then maybe establish exactly how long and when he gets it and then talk about exactly and for how long you will get your down time. For some couples, that might be taking turns each night and for some couples they might switch off days. Some couples can work out a loose verbal agreement and some couples have detailed written charts of who does what and when. There isn't a right or wrong way to do it, it just needs to be a way that feel fair to both of you and acknowledges both of your needs.

Hope this helps and didn't sound too preachy! I know how hard it is to get this worked out but it is very rewarding to come through the other side and know that you worked through it and found a solution together!

HI
I really don't know why I am responding because I don't have the answers. Sounds like a typical household to me. The woman has always done more, worked harder and been stronger and we don't let our egos get hurt. We can overall handle more then men. It sounds like you have tried to get through to him. Sometimes when you ask a man to do something they take it as bitching (usually they take it as bitching). Then you don't want to hurt their poor egos by telling them they are not doing enough... then the feel less of a man. You and your man could get counseling having a 3rd party interject would probably be best. I just started to get my husband to start "cleaning" the house. It is not really cleaning more like picking up but at least he is doing something. And I give him tons of praise for it and he feels proud. As long as he feels proud of himself he will continue to do it. Good luck!!! I am sure tons of woman can relate to you.

I am a mother of a two year old and I work part time. I have been with my husband for three years.

My husband and I went to marriage counseling and at the very first session she had us go over "The 5 Languages of Love." People are different in how they express love to each other. After that I was able to see that he was not trying to annoy or ignore me, he was showing love but not in my language and vice versa. We have since learned what the other's language is. For example one of mine is 'Acts of Service' so when he realized that he started to be aware and helped out more.

The other part was that counseling brought out the stressors as a new parent (he was never married before with no kids where as I have 4), and changes of his work place. I thought he had adjusted but he had not. So I would recommend counseling to help you figure this one out. My heart goes out to you!

My husband and I have been together forever and when we finally had our lovely daughter, I hoped it would be like a fairy tale. I don't know why, I guess because we really wanted children.
However, lots of things changed all at once. We moved, I quit working and we became parents. She is now 2 and we are beginning to figure it out and don't loathe the sight of one another. We had several major discussions about what was going on and why. We still have our issues, it's just life.
He told me a long time ago, "If you want me to do something, just ask. If you hint, I will not take it." You have to be explicit. As frustrating as it is sometimes, it works much better than hinting repeatedly and getting frustrated. Also, we decided that men and women view "having a baby" differently. We see a cute little bundle, cooing in our arms. Ahhh. They see a 6 yr old running around outside, playing. No wonder it's hard!
Recently, I asked him if he would read her bedtime story to her and then made myself scarce. This way, I wasn't there to steal their time or tempted to tell him how to do it (that's a biggy - let them do it their way).
I love my husband and daughter and can't imagine life without them. Relationships are hard and you have to work at them. I don't know that I really gave you any advice, but it helps to know that it's not just you. Every family goes through it on some level, at some time. Trust me.

I know you got a bunch of responses, but I just wanted to mention one thing. Have you ever heard of The Secret? Basically you get more of what you focus on, so the more you focus on how horrible he is and how unhelpful he is, the more bound he is to fulfill that for you. Instead, send him unconditional love every time an angry judgemental thought pops in your head. Don't give any more energy to the negative, instead visualize that he is already helping out and you are thrilled about it. And definitely reestablish an emotional, intimate relationship with him because that will empower him to help you out. The more he feels like a failure, the less chance of him acting like a winner. So go empower your man, no criticism. Maybe to begin with after giving him a little relax time ask him to work beside you. I say "Sweetheart can you come help me with this?" Then it's not so overwhelming for him. Good luck. Of course you're overwhelmed. I'd be ticked too. But there is definitely a secret to winning his heart over again. So hang in there, your little guy needs both of you, and the rough patches will smooth out.

First, do not feel alone because this is totally a TYPICAL problem for so many moms! My son is now 16 and I ended up divorced - more for my husband not spending quality time with my son than the help around the house. I advise COUNSELING ASAP. If you have limited income and benefits don't pay for it - try LIFEWORKS. They work on a sliding scale. Try going to your moms for a weekend if that's a possibility - or even an extended weekend if you can take a few days off of work. He is totally comfortable with this situation I assure you and it'll take putting him in an UNCOMFORTABLE place before he's going to do a THING to change anything. If you can take some days away,tell him you have to get away from him to 'think things over' because you are totally unhappy with this situation. An ocasional blow up will not budge this guy probably. They all have this tendency.
ONE other idea - HIRE a maid - even if it strains the income it is WORTH every penny so that you can have some rest. You cannot be the best mom possible when you are stressed out so this is for your son as much as for you. Tell your lazy husband that the maid STAYS until he can contribute.
Good luck to you - my heart goes out to you. But, counseling - leave for a while and MAID. One or a combination of these should change things.

Read "The Divorce Culture" and you'll see why people like me who were a product of divorce will say it's worth everything you've got to make this work.

Also, if you want to know what makes your husband tick, read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Once you meet his 3 basic needs and understand how and why, he will want to find ways to meet yours. It is amazing how true this is!

I know you are super frustrated but I don't think separation or divorce are the answer. Believe me you are in good company and many moms have walked it out with their men and made it!! First, you are overworked, no doubt. I have a question, since you get off first do you guys go to work at the same time? Is pulling really long days? I am asking this because if so he might be just totally wiped and having a really hard time engaging when he walks in. I will tell you that it definitely does take some time to go from two people with a baby to a functioning family unit. So I think you guys need to talk at a time when you aren't feeling mad. Chunk the books. Think about what could help you and lighten your load. Don't worry about how he can become and engaged Dad. You are a Mom, not a Dad, let him take up becoming a Dad in the way that feels right for him. As a Mom you just can't teach him how to be a Dad, and if he even thinks for half a second you think you are the better parent you can expect total check out from him. So read books on mothering and try to let expectations about how he should father go. Now, he does need to pitch in, for sure. So, what would help you? Could your little man wait for Dad to get a bath? I think you need to go to him not as a failure that hasn't been helping you but as a hero who can get you out of this pit of exhaustion and frustration. Like after your son is down just ask to talk and tell him you are falling apart. Just be vulnerable. Let him know that you are working so hard but you can't keep it together and you want to know if he can figure out what kind of schedule the two of you can have so you don't lose it. Men know when we are ready to crack, so if you go and just show that you are breaking down they usually respond to that because now there is a problem to fix. Like maybe he could come home and bathe the baby every evening. Or what about being totally responsible for the trash, one less thing on your plate. Or could he take the responsibility of cooking one night a week or on weekends. Then I say be really patient and thank him for what he does do. He will see great benefits from this and possibly be more inclined to do more as he enjoys the freedom of a more harmonious family. My husband was so funny one day, he walked in and just said "OK babe, I'm ready! I know you have carried a lot around here and let me relax and I am ready to pitch in!" Now he gives our son a bath whenever he doesn't work late and he does the trash and he flows in whatever system I have running. Like puts his clothes in hampers etc. We are having another soon so I am really glad we work together more and more all the time. So maybe try some of that or some of the other suggestions you get and see what happens. If you have a guy you love, who goes to work, loves you, comes home every night and you know adores your child I say hang on to him. There are more important things than someone who knows how to clean or do childcare. I think he will grow into it if you back off and make your needs known in a non-accusatory way. Good luck!!:)

Hi D.,

I went through something very, very similar to your situation. My advice.....pray for him. You did not specify your religious beliefs, but I can tell you that prayer helped my husband, more than anyone will ever understand. He used to come home from work and do nothing. The time that he did spend with the kids was just sitting in his recliner while he watched tv or played a game on his phone. After prayer, much prayer, he is now a sahd (this works much better for us, even though most people look down at it), and does everything around the house. He has changed so much! He's a wonderful, loving husband and father, and I wouldn't ask for it any other way. I think that separation/divorce at this point may be the worst possible thing to do. There may be something underlying that is bothering him, but he just doesn't know how to communicate it to you or let it go. I know that was the case with my husband. But see, my husband didn't know that there was a problem. There are things that are deep down in our minds or hearts that we are unaware of, that are causing us to be unhappy. As soon as my husband realized that there was an underlying problem, everything (I mean just about everything) about him changed! And it was all for the better! I can give you more information if you'd like, regarding the transition that was made from before everthing came to realization to when it did. It was not an easy road, but I realized why it had happened, and know that it was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Please contact me if you would like more information. I know what it's like to have a husband like that, and I know what it's like to have a changed husband. Good luck with everything and may God be with you!

I feel the same way. I am at home with a 3 and 4 year old all day, go to school at night and take care of everything around the house. There just aren't enough hours in the day to get done what I need. Add potty training and then there is mooooore laundry, scrubbing and aggravation. My head almost exploded when my DH put a diaper on our youngest just so he wouldn't be bothered. I feel like crying and screaming almost every day. In short, I don't have a solution for you. My husband changed, but apparently a lot of them do. I have been seriously thinking on a divorce after I get out of school. 1 more year.

Move on, you can do without... I think you can! Good Luck

As I am sure you have read, he probably feels he has been replaced in your new family dynamic. Men can be such little boys all their lives, but still put on the big man facade. Sit down with him and make a schedule of what needs to be done in your home and when - let him have first choice and put spending time caring and playing with your child on the schedule. Let him know how much you love and care for him but that you need his male support on these issues, his input in the home and the life of your child. Build him up, in other words. Family comes first, then household chores and if he can spend an hour each day with your child and 30 minutes doing vacuuming, etc.. you would have more time for him also and maybe could rekindle the romantic fires that have presently just been simmering. Good luck and as Ann Landers always said - "Would you be happier with him or without him?"

D., I sure do feel you on this. I have the same problem with my husband . I sometimes say the same thing i can do bad all by my self. I have no advice ,but sure am intrested in what others may tell you. Since i have gotten married all has changed and my husband is not the man i dated. He was caring, sensitive, and always willing to help out on anything. Now it's like i do everything alone, clean, cook, take care of the kids and things for myself. He used to care more and go out of his way to make me feel appreciated me. I sometimes just want to get out on my own with my kids since i feel single anyway. Not only has he changed ,but it also seems the feelings that were once there for me are no longer, or atleast he fails to show them. I wish you the best and hope i can also get something out of the other ladies advice for you.

NO, ma'am. His behavior is unacceptable and worst of all damaging to you, your marriage and worst of all to your son. Children feel important when they see people doing for them and taking care of them. He is getting that from you and not his father, which is telling the child... you are not important to me. He is saying the same to you. You can get over it, but your child, not so much. My advice. Line in the sand, if no response get out and maybe, he will snap to it, if not then you got out early w/less damage to your child. It is one thing to be divorced and he sees his father periodically, it is another to be ignored on a day to day basis. The damage would be permanent, put your foot down, then use it to kick his a-- out. I am so mad for you. Good Luck to you!

THank you for sharing... I am going thru the same thing and I'm married alomsot 5 yrs and have a 2 &1/2 yr old. Resent is starting to set in... but some recent advice I got - which also mirrors alot of the responses here... work on you first... pull back and put that guilt for not helping on him! Ask but dont push! I'm going to try this myself. Good Luck to us both!

I am a bit behind on my reading, but wanted to respond. One thing I can think of is stop taking care of everything before your husband arrives. I know you probably want to spend time as a family, but you may have to start handing over your son when your hubby gets home and then leave. If you were not present then, your husband would have to learn the routine. He would understand that taking care of a baby is constant. He would learn the ropes, so to speak. It may be since you are home, he lets you do it all because he is intimidated to do it alone. I wish you the best.

It may be that he is thinking along the same line, talk with him, let him know your concerns and needs. It may that the idea of you being a mother now turns him off, MEN.... But you both need to talk with each other....

Hi D.,

Man, I feel for you. That sucks ( for lack of a better word). Has your husband gone to counseling? Sounds like he's having some sort of (bad) reaction to the birth of your precious prince. It will be hard to get to counseling but sounds like that's what he needs. He needs to know how serious you are about him "participating" in raising your son AND helping you out as well. I understand why you feel so frustrated. It must seem like it would be easier to do it alone ( since you already are). I just hope ya'll can work it out and your husband steps up SOON. Good luck,
_D