Husband Problems

I agree with the ladies who are advising you to draw your line in the sand and STAND by it. It is absolutley time to stand up for yourself and your son. I suffer from depression and anxiety myself and I have a job. Going back to work after a 5 month hiatus actually made me feel better. Whoever said it was right - depression is NOT an excuse here, or even a reason.

You can leave him, or kick him out, depending on your legal options and it doesn't have to lead to divorce. It could be the wake up call he needs. Or it could be the freedom he wants anyway. I'm sorry for the emotional turmoil and pain but you're going to have to set that to the side and focus on providing a life and a positive, functional example to your son. If your husband wants to get his act together then he will. Otherwise, you can't make him and you can't support him.

If you have any legal rights on the car, sell it. Forget trading down, if you don't want the debt don't have it. With the house.... I suspect both your names are on the mortgage so getting a legal divorce in order to remove your name from the bad debt WOULD be advisable.

I'm sorry. I hope you are able to get back to us with good news. I'm nuetral on divorce. If it's the solution then it's the solution. Save your SON. Even at the expense of your marriage.

Oh my gosh. I wish I had something positive to say. All I can think of is NO way, No way in HE## would I put up with him. I'd pack up my kids and start over and leave him the house and fall-out to deal with. God bye, buh bye and good riddence!

I believe in forgiveness. I really do. But you are simply enabling him and he isn't being a man and taking care of his family. The bible say's he's worse than an infadel if he doesn't take care of his family!

I hate that you have possibly ruined your credit for someone that has the energy to play but not work?! YUCK!

Suzi

Wow. That is unacceptable. First of all take the credit cards away. I think it is a good idea that you go to counseling. Really...he should go. BUT I would draw the line on his laziness. 7 months is a long time to not have a job. Maybe a seperation so he can see you mean business. However, if he is on anti-depressants he can't just go off of them...he would have serious side effects like severe mood swings. I would definitely see what the marriage counselor says. Don't let him bring you down. You seem to be doing a great job surviving and you have a 2 year old that needs you. Good luck!

Wow...just wow. I can't believe you've taken this as long as you have. Depression? My A$$. Yes the corporate world can suck and yes its stressful to have a job and yes we ALL want quit our jobs and play all day. How nice for him that you work full time, take care of your son and pay for his new car and his toys. HE'S NOT YOUR SECOND KID! He's a grown man and he should be taking responsibility for his family or at the VERY LEAST himself!

If he has the energy to play then I can't imagine he is suffering from depression. He says he's suffering from depression but he doesn't want to go to therapy? Oh golly gosh, poor baby, working is hard, OK honey you go play and I'll take care of everything. Uh...I don't think so! Traveling to different states to play sports? Using your savings up to do that?? PLEASE WAKE UP. This is not OK! He is putting you and your son at risk of losing everything.

He needs a serious wake up call like the other ladies have suggested. I'd give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He may need to hit bottom before he'll do anything about it. You say you love him, that's fine, stop enabling and start the tough love.

wow, went from man to irresponsible teen in three seconds. You asked what I would do..go through with the ultimatum. You gave him x time to get a real or you take the kiddo and leave i assume? do it. Talk to a lawyer about how to help untangle your name from the financial mess he's creating.

I would totally say he is bipolar. Go google it and look at the symptoms. My husband is bipolar, and before the diagnoses, I would have told you he was the biggest jerk in the whole world. The spending money, the not working...anti-depressants will send someone who is bipolar into mania (that is when you will notice the credit cards being run up). Go to www.nami.org to get more info, but I will bet that is what is going on.

Feel free to email me if you want more info -- this is very hard on a spouse, if that is what it is.

____@____.com

I need to add that, until you get him to a doc, I would not expect him to watch the baby if he feels he can't do it. This could be dangerous.

And for those of who you think "Depression, my ass" -- Depression is a illness, it is not an excuse. It is not the fault of the person who is suffering it, and there is nothing they can do about it. If this man had cancer and was too sick to work, you would not be giving his wife that kind of advice. Mental illness is a disease, not a choice. I am speaking as an advocate, because I have never been through this, but ask any medical professional, and you will find that your (extrememly offensive) opinion is wrong.

PLEASE DO NOT leave your son with him if you think he might be ill. PLEASE listen to me on this one. If he is telling you that he can't do it, just listen, even though it makes you angry.The other moms may think I am telling you to be a doormat, and they can say that if they want, but I am urging you to check his behaviors againt a list of bipolar symptoms before you expect anything else out of him.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your husband is either going through a major bout of depression or is just a jerk. It sounds like he has energy though, since he is playing sports and traveling, so perhaps it isn't depression. And his wreckless spending behaviors started a long time ago. But he may have some mental health issues that need to be addressed. He is on meds, but it doesn't sound like he is getting any therapy to help him develop better coping mechanisms. A good first step would be meeting with a psychiatrist who can make sure he is on the right kind of medications, but medications are not the only solution. He needs to learn how to deal with life in a more positive way through self-help books (doesn't sound motivated enough for that) or a counselor.

If I were you, I would ask him if you and he can visit the psychiatrist together. Tell him you are concerned about his well-being and love him. Just like if he had cancer, you would go to the doctor with him, you should also do this with him, if he will let you.

You should also encourage him to find a job or get enrolled in school. Get the newspaper and start circling opportunities for him. Encourage him to get a job doing something that he is passionate about, even if it is just part-time. He likes sports for example. Could he get a job at a YMCA or another organization that is sports-related? Make sure he knows that you don't expect him to go back into the corporate world, but that he needs to do SOMETHING. Perhaps it would be a good time for him to go back to school. UCO has great Kinesiology programs.

I think a deadline in this situation is good. I had originally said 30 days, but in further consideration, I think a six month timeframe is better. He will need time to correct his path. It took him 7 + months to get this off track. Make sure he knows that you will be fully supportive until May 15th, but after that, you are done.

In the mean time, I would start getting the house ready to sell, unless you think you can afford the payments on your own. Talk to a lawyer to learn your options. Take away his credit cards, remove him from any bank accounts, and start a family budget. In that family budget, he will get a certain amount of "fun money" and so will you. If he can't have enough fun on that, maybe he will be more motivated to get a job. Make sure the budget is not a punitive thing. Every family should have one, and you just need to get started now.

I promise that this situation is not good for your son. You may think that the best thing for him would for you to stay with your husband, but your husband is not modeling good behaviors and is not making you a happy mom. Stick with your counseling and be strong. It is time for your husband to grow up and make good choices about his life and his family. You love him and will commit to another six month of being his biggest cheerleader and friend, but after that, you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could to help him get back on track.

H.--

I actually help moms and others who are unhappy get out of the "corporate" world. Although, I don't recommend that until after you replace your income but seems your husband jumped on that a little fast. I can help you and your husband out and if he was in the "corporate" world and doesn't want a real "job" but still wants the time freedom, flexibility, and the income then he would be a good fit for our team and company. However, this is still a business so he would need to take it seriously still and be motivated but a much better lifestyle than "corporate" world. This could be great for you and your family and if you both are open to looking at other options out there I would be more than happy to see how I can help you both out. Please have him visit our website at www.2abetterlife.com and read that in detail to see if that might match his interest and what he is looking for that we can help him with and relieve stress from you. Hope that helps! Good luck!

Within a week (he's already had 7 months)he should:

Get a job (Fast food is better than nothing)
Put the car up for sale (Sell it within a couple of weeks or trade WAY down immediately)
Look for a better job during his time off
Seek help from Laureate

OR

Get out.

You sell the car, house and get a smaller place for you and your son that is within budget. You will probably have to get a divorce to keep his credit cards debt from being in your name. It will probably effect your credit as long as you're married.

If he is at home and not able to care for your son then there is a serious problem. I know of families whom the father is the at home parent and it works out wonderfully but it sounds like your husband is addicted to being selfish. Pray for him and seek some christian counciling and don't be afraid to be on your own. You don't have to divorce him to be away from him and let him get healthy for all of you.

I think you really need to stick to your guns about giving him so much time and if he doesn't get a job then you need to do what is best for your son and yourself. If the new vehicle he bought is just in his name let him deal with it. I would get you name off any of the credit cards that you are able to. If you have to sell your home and move into something slightly smaller so that your mortgage is lower. I know it will be incredibly hard but you have to be consistent. Unfortunately, dealing with men can be like dealing with children and you have to be strong and consistent so that they know they can not get away with whatever they want. Good luck!!!

I can sympathize with this to an extent. He's giving you promises that he knows he's not going to fulfill and has absolutely no intentions of doing so. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you off his back for even a few moments. You need to lay down the law hun. If you give him a deadline then you need to stick to it and not extend it or he won't take you seriously. Kick him out, sell the car or trade it in, do whatever you have to in order to make sure your son is taken care of. Stop paying for his credit card debt! That is on him, not you! You're only giving him further reason to do sit on his butt and not do anything, because you are doing it all for him. Make him take responsibility. Do you own your house or rent, either way whose name is it in? If it's in yours kick him out, if it's in his, leave and stick him with the mortagage and utilities, maybe it'll get him to stop being lazy. I for one, and forgive me if I offend anyone, do not take depression as an excuse for much (depends on the circumstance) but if he can go out and play sports and go out of town to do so, then he can definitely work!
I really do wish you all the best. I know it's not an easy decision especially since you do seem to still love him very much. But obviously love can't always cut it, if he loved you and your son the way a husband and a father is supposed then he would not be doing this to you. I just wish that I had taken all the advice I just gave you before things got worse (and they did). So I am saying this based on experience. I made the mistake of "extending deadlines" and trying to cover everything up like I could take on the responsibilities of another adult, myself, and my child. There is no reason for you to do that and you are definitely not obligated to take care of his responsibilities, just your own which are you and your son.
Good luck

H.:

I am glad to know that you are still working. It is so tough when one person loses their job, and the other has been out of the workforce so long that they are both lost.I understand being stressed out, as my husband was just laid off. Luckily, I work as well (but he needs to find a job soon)! It is tough on everyone, financially and emotionally. This issue is bigger than your husband being out of a job, though. First off, why is your mother watching your son, when your husband (his father) is not working? I could understand it if he was actively looking for a job and going on interviews. However, as you have stated, he is not. I would suspect some degree of depression however, he is able to play sports every night. Second, since you are the only one making the money, you need to put him on a budget and take all of his credit cards away (as he has proved that he can not control his spending). It is NOT your job, to pay off his debt. I would sell his car, buy a cheaper one, and use the rest of the money to start paying off your bills. As Dave Ramey would advice (check him out on the web!), make sure your basic daily living bills (home, food, lights..) are paid first. If he is unwilling to seek help for your marriage, I am glad to see that you are seeing someone (for you). You really need to sit down with him, and lay down the law...so to speak. Good Luck.
A.

I agree with Melissa H. Also, think of the example you are setting for your son. We all lead by example whether we intend to or not. Right now YOU are setting an example for your son that says Daddies play-Mommies work like dogs and resent it, and that's just the way life is. Your acceptance of this situation tells your son that this behavior (yours and your husband's) is acceptable. Obviously it's not or you wouldn't have posted the question and you wouldn't have gotten so many responses from irate wives and mothers. Ask your husband to consider this. Do you want to teach your child that it's okay to just give up when things get to "stressful?"

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this situation and I hope that whatever happens, you find peace and happiness.

Hi H.. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. You are on the right track to getting yourself counseling. I found that it helped me and my decision making skills greatly. I was a very co-dependant, low self-esteem woman until I went through extensive counseling. I've became a stronger and more well aware lady. I had similar issues with my now ex husband. I tried to make it work, but unfortunately it was a 1 sided adventure and I became exhausted. I will pray that your husband sees the light in what he might have to loose, but just know that your little boy can have the best of everything even if his mommy and daddy aren't together. Don't get me wrong I'm not promoting divorce.....work at it with all your heart and mind, but after you have exhausted all avenues, remember only you can change YOU!!! The other person has to want to change for themselves!! Do not continue to be an enabler for your husband. Sit down and set boundaries, and when he crosses that line, call him on it and stick to your concequences. Good luck and I'll be praying for you! Remember Jesus Loves YOU!

woman, put your foot down! Us women can't just up and quit when we feel stressed out! If we did there would be an awful lot of orphans in the world. If he isn't working there is no reason for him not to be watching your son during the day. Sounds to me like he just wants a vacation. 7 months is too long! If he really cares about his family he would support you and take care of business and not let you get run into the poor house! Tell him he has to get rid of his new car since you can't afford it. If you could afford for him to stay home I would have no problem but you obviously can't so he needs to get off his selfish butt and take care of his family...NOW!!!!

First step: cut up the credit cards. Seriously. Get out a pair of scissors right now and do it, then call the credit card companies and cancel all the cards. The debt is not going to get any smaller while those are still in the picture. Good for you for getting into counseling; you need an objective person to talk to. It really sounds like he has some symptoms of mental illness beyond depression. My advice is to make a joint appoiintment with his doctor and your husband and discuss what's going on together. The spending and impulsive decisions may be part of undiagnosed bipolar disorder, which is underdiagnosed, undertreated, and completely overwhelming. You may need to have some hard conversations with him about accountability and getting help beyond medications, but if this is an illnes rather than just plain immaturity, it's worth it to both of you and your child to confront it now. Feel free to e-mail me, and God bless,
T.

Everyone seems to be quite harsh about kicking the guy to the curb but it kind of sounds like your husband might be Bipolar. With Bipolar disorder there are such things as "mixed states" where you have depressive and manic symptoms. That would explain the uncontrolled spending and having energy for sport activities but still claim he's depressed. Being on anti-anxiety meds. could be another clue. Bipolar can make you feel very anxious and cause racing thoughts and make it unable to have a complete thought which would be why work and caring for your child would be so difficult.

I do agree that the credit cards need to be taken away and the car needs to be sold but if you still love him then you should consider sticking by him: especially if he's sick. However, many a marriage has been destroyed by uncontrolled Bipolar disorder and if you have to leave to save yourself then do so. I just wanted to point out that he might not just be a loser, he might really be sick. Depression IS a reason not to be able to work (contrary to what others might say).