Husband Put on Alert for Deployment and Have Two Girls

A.,
My husband had been deployed twice now to Iraq. The first time he had left my daughter was 2 and she really did very well concidering how close my husband and daughter are. Now I have two girls and the oldest is 6 and the youngest is 1. He was just again deployed he left in December for training, but he has been stateside. They tend to train for about 50 days before going over. It has been hard on my 6 yr old this time around because she has a better concept of time. She knows more and it gets to her more often.
We did not tell the girls until we knew for sure he was going. Then we told them immediately, he spent all the time he could with then doing fun things and we took alot of pictures. Honestly, they had no clue what was going on until he left. We did send him with a laptop and a webcam and I have one too. That really helps because the girls get to see him and talk to him, they do not understand when I read him something he sent or emailed. Also someone talked about the elmo video, this has become one of the girls favorites. The military has books for the kids but I could not make it through a book without crying, so I avoid the books so they do not see me upset.
The only advice I have is to be strong for your kids, they tend to pick up on our emotions. Also be supportive to your husband, know he does NOT want to leave and it only makes it harder for him when we complain. I would be happy to talk anytime.

Best of Luck,
T.

I am very sorry you have to go through this. My husbands best friend is in the Army and has been deployed three times. He was young children as well.
I would start preparing your daughter if she is very attached to your husband. That way it gives her some time to get used to the idea of her daddy not being around. That way it won't be like she goes to sleep and the next day daddy is gone. There are some great programs out there like Flat Daddies, that are wonderful. Good luck!

My daughter faced the same problem. It is m advice towait until you know for sure. There is no need to scare the child. If you have to face it you must do the best you can to explain Daddy is away for a while. We can call him on the phone and talk to him and he will come home to us when he is able. Pictures around the house and phonecalls are very important. Don"t discuss was as such.

I left for Engladn for three months as my mother was very ill. I went without my husband ans my son was 13 months at trhe time. He had a really hard time as my husbnad put him to bed every night and he was very upset. The time change also totally messed him up. I guess my point is too make you aware that it is possible your 11 month will know.
Your three year old will possibly be a little more testing as my kids tend to be more badly behaved with a big change.
This is what was recommended to me when large upheavals happen. Do play therapy with them every day. This is where you play with each child one on one everyday and you allow them to lead the play entirely. You don't give them ideas or suggestions you let them call the shots. It helps them feel in control.
Also for you research infomation on effective ways to overcome depression. I have struggled with depression adn went through a mood management course to learn how to control it medicine free. This is something that is invaluable for me when change comes.
Personally, I wouold tell your three year old that daddy may be leaving. That you have to wait to find out. Plan ways your husbnad will stay in contact with your kids. Maybe he can use this time to write little notes or tape record stories fort ehm to hear over and over. All that will make them feel he is there. If hes not deployed they are still ythings they will love. Be prepared is my motto!
Good luck and thank your husband from all of us for defending our country!

A friend of mine has been rasing her grandson for three years now because of his father being deployed to both Iraq and Afganistan. From what she has gone through with her grandson I can tell you these things. Don't say anything until you have sure, hard facts. Be honest but keep it simple enough for her to understand. Get yourself a good support system, it will be very important for your children that things do not change drasticly in your home or in your routine when or if your husband does leave. Do not be surprised if your older child gets clingly or pushes you away at first. Both are normal reactions to loss. Remember it is a loss for young children they don't understand the concept of time very well. And when Daddy doesn't come home after a few days...it will be hard.

You need to prepare yourself as well. Make sure you know all about the bill paying, who a trusted machanic is, the plumber, all the things your husband handles...even when the trash pick up is. You also need to think about what you are going to do if he (heaven forbid) doesn't come home. I know it is something neither of you will want to think about but it is better to make some decisons now rather than later. My friend actually took comfort in knowing what her son wanted.

You'll have to be incredably strong, as all miltary wives are and always have been. Remember you are not alone, nor will your husband be if he is deployed. I hope this alert is a false one and he doesn't have to go over there, but if he does, know that the thoughts and prayers of many go with him for his safe return to you and your girls. As many prayers will be said to help you stay strong here.

Hi A.,

I agree with Tammy. It's probably better to wait to tell our daughter. If she knows ahead of time that Daddy is leaving it could interfere with them spending quality time together because she may be so worried that this could be the last time that she sees him for a while that she doesn't enjoy the time with him.

You will handle this deployment different than last time because now you have to be strong for your children and you also have them to occupy your time more.

Good luck to you and your family. Thanks to your husband for serving!!!

L.

I would definately suggest waiting until you know for sure and then wait until it is closer to when he is leaving. I have a finace who lives in England and he travels back and forth. My 2 yo handles it the worst. We wait until about a week before he is leaving and start telling him daddy has to go home in a week. We usually remind him once or twice a day and he spends a little extra time with him. Once he leaves my son knew he was going so it's not too bad.

Hi A.,
I am not married to anyone in the army, but was raised with a father in the army reserves. I know its hard dealing with the "not knowing". I have 3 children and When they can not see their dad- whom I am divorced from. I do not tell them ahead of time. It creates time for them to think and ponder,create fears and they keep asking when, how, and isnt he leaving yet etc..when I was growing up I found it was better that I didnt know til it was almost time for my dad to leave for his drills or bootcamp trainings. Your child is 3, she understands alot, but I would wait til a few days to a week before to tell her. Let her know that her daddy is going away to work an will be gone a long time. I been a single mother since my children were born, and when I don't know what to tell them concering their dad, or something I know that would upset them I use my instinct, or ask my own mother. I hope this helps. Good Luck!

My husband travels often for his job and we decided not to tell our kids (3 1/2 and 2 1/2) ahead of time when he will be going on a trip. My 3 1/2 yo has become more aware of when his father isn't around. He asks more questions and talks about missing Daddy so we usually tell them the day before and we keep it low key so they don't become anxious or sad. We also want to avoid confusion. Not understanding the concept of time, if we do tell my son about something that is going to happen in a few days or few weeks he dwells on it until it happens.

I don't know what it is like to have a husband deployed but having dealt with a critically ill child, I do know that sometimes we surprise ourselves with strength we didn't know we had. If the time comes, you will be strong for your children...and you will gain strength from them. They will do things to make you laugh and make you proud, they will help occupy your thoughts, they will keep you busy. Concentrate on your blessings - let them create some emotional balance in your life.

I recently read something written by a military wife whose husband came up with an idea to help his family get through his deployment. He bought a supply of Hershey's Kisses and Hershey's Hugs. He put them each in a jar and labeled them "kisses from Dad" and "hugs from Dad". He presented them to his kids and told them everyday they could have one kiss and one hug from him until he returned home. Maybe having a ritual like this can help you if he does get deployed.

Best wishes to you and your family. And many thanks to your husband for serving our country.

This is & was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My husband was deployed Feb 14th 2001, our daughter was born In August of 2001, so she was 6 months old when he was deployed, and came back when she had just turned 2 yrs old. We also had a 2 yr old Son who it impacted much more. Hard stuff. But I don't know HOW I would have done it if I didn't have the kids. Bing a deployment survivor myself you have to keep your self occupied, not busy, but active. Trust me sitting at home with 2 kids is no fun day after day. Been there done that, while glued to the TV for every little update. It consumed. I had to snap out of it. Thank goodness for all the modern technology, we got to speak to him just about every day, mail was rather quick. (minus holiday mail) My kids got a crash course in bad guys & the globe. So they could see where daddy was. We made yellow ribbons for house, wore red white & blue & camo all the time. Basically became a support my daddy crew! For me the hardest past was 2 fold, him missing out on the things they did, and protesters. They drove me wild. There protesting the war was fine, but it hit home, It was my husbands JOB, it was our families income. So for me seeing people not support the troops was very hard, and even harder to explain to a young child who sees daddy as a hero. So for now say nothing to your girls until you know. Make everyday count when you do know. IF you have time record him reading some of their favorite books on voice recorders or video. Take lots of pictures, and take it from there.

My heart goes out to you. You can do it.
God Speed!
E.

Hey A.,
I am a military spouse also (AF). My husband's squadron just returned from their deployment, so I could put you in contact with some people from our squadron with similar situations. My husband was exempt due to other training, and I didn't have a child at the time, either, so I can't offer exact experience, but I know what it is like for them to be gone alot. Please let me know if you would like a contact. Best of luck! We are proud of your commitment to your husband and your husband to our country. :)

A.,
As you know being on alert, they can go at any time. If an emergency, they will have less than two weeks notice. I try to go with the motto "Be Prepared", but even at that does not make it any easier. This is my second year with the other half of my heart over there. Upon his leaving, I told him to hurry up and get going so he could get back already then. He and another going with him, started to laugh. What helps with my/our kids when he sat down with us as a family and told him that his job is taking him overseas. This is a job that he made a commitment to do in order to keep us all safe. Thankfully, communication is better today than ever. While he is deployed, it helps my/our kids to talk with him on the phone, email, and the youngest (who is 3) to watch videos that he makes for him. If he has internet and his own computer (some do), you could do webcam and voice if he has a mic. The signals are not always that great, but it sure helps with moral. Treasure the times you do get, sometimes are busier than others. For the youngest, it helps to pull out one of the video clips where he is talking directly to our youngest. My youngest cries sometimes too and tells me how much he is missed, it is ok to cry with your child and how much you miss him too. This way the youngest does not feel alone that Dad is missed and the only one. My/our children do this with each other as well. My sister's husband, when he was deployed, made videos of reading stories and sent the books that he read to their child. The other half of my heart, sends videos where he is helping our youngest learn his letters via homemade flash cards..even a few words. It would be good for your husband too, to make videos to send to him. We send the other half of my heart small sized videos that we make with our digital camera. All of this helps keep the closeness in the family. While he is gone, keep busy...it helps. It helps so much to think that he is just gone off to work. Hope this helps ..

Make each child their own laminated photo album of pictures of them with daddy and record him reading a few of their favorite books either audio or video. I think that helps the little ones through deployments and helps them remember his voice and what he looks like. My daughter was only 1 when my husband went to Iraq(9 months) and my son only 2 weeks old when he went to Afghanistan(6 months). Look up flat daddy on the internet! cool concept. We made it through several fairly long deployments and I did the above it helped the kids a lot and daddy!

I wouldn't wait too long. If you won't know until just before he would have to go, I would tell her now. I would tell her that Daddy might have to go away for work. If there will be a little time between when he will know for sure and when he will leave, I might wait until he knows for sure. In the meantime, take this time to have him do some extra special things with her and take lots of pictures. Also, ask him (if you have a camera or a friend has one you can borrow) to record some good night messages for her. That way he can be a part of her bedtime routine when he is gone. You can play one of his good night messages for her when he is gone. Also, whenever she is missing him you could play his video where Daddy says he loves her and he misses her too.

If he doesn't have to go away, all she will remember is that she and Daddy had some special playtime. If he does go away, the pictures, memories and videos can be a way to help her with the separation. Also, your little one is only 11 months old but if he addresses some of the videos or all of them to both of your little girls, she will enjoy that as well. She will recognize Daddy on the television as well.

Perhaps, he can record a message for you as well. Honestly, having kids this time will probably make it a little easier for you emotionally. You will be so busy keeping their routines and taking care of them you will have less time to dwell on the fact that he is gone. Also, when you do start missing him and feeling depressed, you can look at your beautiful girls and see two great reasons to be happy. I can't say I know what you are going to go through but I do know that when I am feeling down, all I have to do is look at my kids to know that I am needed and loved and have so much to be happy about. Then I know that the bad times will pass and I will be fine.

Good luck. I know this is a hard time for you especially with the not knowing. I hope my advice helps. My husband isn't in the National Guard or military and I can't say that I know how it feels to know he may have to leave at a moment's notice. I know how it feels when he has to go away for business but I imagine that is a lot different. While I can't say I know how you feel, I am a great listener. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.

Hello A.:

My husband is also National Guard and his unit has been put on alert as well. He's with the Plymouth Meeting armory and he's a medic. If you are in Montgomery County, perhaps you and I can talk if/when they leave. My email is ____@____.com

I recently left the Navy where I was Active Duty. I am used to deployments and I have been deployed at the same time as my husband before. The trick now is that we have a son (currently 18 months).

I would suggest only mentioning it a week or so before and have your husband explain it as well. Then start making a calendar and a daddy and me picture book where you can put all the special times they were with daddy. Also have them pick out stationary with their dad (special envelopes etc.) that dad will know the letter is from them.

Either way, best of luck and remember your husband and YOU are doing a service to our country and that is something to be proud of.

Sincerely,

C. Nine

I have not been through this particular situation but my husband goes away a lot for work. Right now he is local but I know that in the month of Feb. and the first half of March he will be traveling. I would wait to know for sure whether you know if he is going or not. I will keep your family in my prayers. My daughter is almost 3 and when I get my schedule I tell her that daddy has to go for a week but will be back by the weekend to see you. I know that he won't be gone for just a week but if he does have to go the easiest way to explain to your daughter may be to say that daddy has to go help some people including kids and he will have to go away for a while but will be back home to see her as soon as he can and will try and call her as much as he can. I know my situation is far different but for that age range anything longer than a day can be tough on them. My daughter is also a daddy's girl and hates that he has to go away sometimes but eventually they get used to it. I hope for the best and hope that he does not have to go. God bless!

I cannot say that I've been through this same exact scenario, but lived with a father who left repeatedly (for months) due to business.And I lived without a full time husband for almost well about a year due to work related issues. The kids (7,5,1,& 1 at the time) would see him maybe two days every two weeks or so. However, I can say if you have family, this would be a good time to reach out and get some support, if not use some really good friends. As far as telling you children, I would probably wait until the time comes. At three years old, their attention span is such that they won't even remember. However, I would have your husband spend some extra quality time with both of them and even take some pictures of all of you. Have your husband write some thing to them for something to remember by.
As for you-you will be just fine. It may be hard at first but, in the end you will be amazed at your own strength.
Good luck.

Mother of 4.

Hi A.!

I know exactly what you are going through. Both my husband an I were military, so I am really familiar with the deployment word. It is tough when they leave you in the air hanging not knowing a definite yes or no answer. Unfortunately, when you or a spouse is part of the military it comes with the territory. The Key thing to keep in mind is you know he is doing such a brave service for our country.

As far as your children go. Until you know for sure he has to go I wouldn't say anything. Then if he does have to go you explain that daddy has to go on a trip for work. Trust me it will be hard, but this is when you use your family and friends for support. You just have to be strong. Keep your daughter involved in coloring pictures for daddy or making him a card often. Usually unit wifes get together with their kids and make stuff for the unit, so stay involved that way as well and that will keep your daughters involved with what their daddy is doing. Military members love more than anything to get mail. Now with email you can send pictures back and forth so that should help too. Again, I know you probably hate hearing this but as long as you stay strong your daughters will stay strong too. My husband was only suppose to go for a two week thing and didn't come back for over a year. Yes I was devastated, but it gave me the opportunity to become closer to my neighbors and friends who were around me.

Keeping yourself busy is the key to not letting yourself fall into the "missing your spouse" depression. I hope this helps a little! Good luck!

M. L.

A. D - My Natl Guard hubby is currently in Iraq. We have a 13yo daughter & a 2yo son. So, I remember how long it took to offically hear that he was leaving. B/C of my husband's friends we heard about 6 months before they actually told his guys. Be glad you'll know either way so quickly. And if he is deployed, they normally do stateside training for a month before leaving. Doesn't mean you get to see him everyday, just helps knowing he's still in the states. As far as telling your daughter, I'd order the Elmo video (gets to you pretty quick). Then I'd let her watch it, but don't mention your husband leaving. All the video shows is that Elmo's daddy has to go away for lots & lots of days to help people & Elmo can't go w/ him. It shows ways for Elmo & Daddy to stay connected. There is a section in the middle where they interview real soldier/families. So, she may think its neat to see people dressed like her daddy, but she most likely won't make the connection that her daddy could be leaving. And if it turns out he doesn't get deployed, you can use it for when he has his guard weekends. Huge Warning: either watch it by yourself 1st or leave the room when she does b/c you will bawl. My son watches it at least 4xs a week & it has been a wonderful helper. When my husband was headed back after R&R, we told our son that Daddy had to go work w/ Elmo's daddy. I think you can get it at military.com, but you can google "elmo deployment" & it should come up. The best online community I've found for support for me is www.militarysos.com It is great even if he's not leaving. I'd love it if you'ld email me. I could really use someone to talk to that's going through all this military stuff too. ____@____.com T. in PA

My husband is in the reserves and I worry about this all the time. Thankfully his tour in Iraq was before we had our son, but I always wonder what I will do if he has to go again. My gut says to sit down with your 3yo and explain that daddy might have to go away for a while for work, there are people that need his help, etc. At least then she wont get blindsided when he does go. Good luck and hang in there!!! (((((hugs)))))