Husband Says I Can't Visit Friends "He Hasn't Met"

If you had never met any of them I would be concerned. Since the group includes those you have met, I don't see a problem especially since they are ALL women. You're already seeing a therapist so clearly there is more going on.

Considering I had a friend I met here spend almost a week at my home and my husband's only question was what does she want me to smoke (meat) for her, I kind of think your husband is a bit off.

Yeah I could see if you just started chatting a week ago and they want to meet up already, that would be creepy. Years? No stalker, freak, wants to steal your soul, person, is going to have that kind of patience. Too many idiots that would say sure, lets hang out after a week they can prey on.

Oh wow, looking at some of the answers, I get telling our kids don't trust what you see on the internet but we are adults. We are supposed to be able to figure out real danger and teach that skill to our kids. There is nothing unsafe about meeting people you have known for years online!

A few years ago I went to Europe for two weeks with my older daughter. I hung out with online friends while in London....and lived! My husband was more excited for me meeting these guys than I was. He has heard so many stories.

My friend that visited *coughTheresacough* he couldn't wait to cook for her since he has seen so many amazing meals she posted on FB.

I suppose after typing this, do you talk to him about your friends? Their funny stories, their issues, things they do? If not that could be part of his problem. Just because I communicate via a computer doesn't change that these are my friends. I talk about them with my husband and my family like I do any other friend. If you are treating them like creepy stalker people maybe that is why he thinks they are.

If you going on a road trip to a concert with people he doesn't know would ruin your relationship, it's already dead.
You're a big girl. You're going to a concert, not marrying them. I assume you're taking your own car, so you can leave if things get hinky.

You're a grown up adult woman, not a child. Let him know that you appreciate his concern, but if he does not trust you to be able to handle yourself, that's his problem, not yours. You have a daddy, and your husband isn't him.

How are you supposed to meet people, except to meet them?

I think it IS possible to get to know people, even if you only "know" them from social media. I know a group of women from this very board, and because I've seen them answering questions here for nearly 10 years now, and have known them on Facebook for several years, I know them. Probably better than I know a lot of the people I actually SEE on a daily basis. And as an adult, I am certainly qualified to decide that I trust them enough to go to a concert with them. Your husband needs to get over this.

Hmmm, well I recently flew to a city I have never been to to meet women I have never met in person (women from this board, btw), dropped a lot of cash, drank a lot of beer, had a Holy Blast, and yet my (otherwise clingy) man was my biggest cheerleader through the whole production.

So...yeah, I also think he's not only ridiculous but wildly insecure and thusly unsupportive. Sorry.

:(

Your husband has no right to tell you who you can be friends with.

As long as you have made arrangements so your kids are taken care of and you can afford to go you are being a responsible parent.

I have friends I have never met in person who are some of my best friends. I met them through social media or another online forem. We chat online and have talked on the phone. We are friends, I trust them.

The simple truth is you never really know anyone. If you look up the facts, the poeple who were neighbors of serial killers never had any idea. IN my own life no one in my family ever knew my dad was an abusive control freak monster. And when it got out they accused me and my Mom of lying.

My point:

Go -- have fun..

Strangers are only people you haven't met yet.

I can understand his concerns. All the horror stories you hear and all. Use common since. Take your own car, have your own room accommodations and the like so if things do happen to go south you are not trapped. But I see no reason not to go.
I have met some of the best people, that have become some of my best friends because of online groups. For instance, we got involved with a local Star Wars group online before we finally went to our first in person meeting.
You're going to be with a group. I see no harm there.
You need to talk to your husband and find out why he is so worried and work with him to make the plans in a way he would feel comfortable. Would he feel better if he got to go with for instance. You're already making a good step in bringing it up to your therapist.

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

This almost sounds like one of those Investigation on ID segments....except nothing has happened to you yet.

So what you are saying is that your husband doesn't trust you to make wise decisions and to be able to make friends on your own, correct?

Have you done anything that would make him suspicious of you? If so - what? You know...they say the accuser is doing what they are accusing...

Yes, talk to your therapist about this.
Would I still go? My husband doesn't NOT trust me...heck our boys and I will be gone for ONE MONTH - yep - 4 WEEKS this summer - and he's not barking foul....oh well...

Is there a compromise you can come to? Maybe he goes too and meets them, then goes back to the hotel??? I know...more like he's your dad and not your partner, right?

Other than NOT going - what will set his mind at ease???

Many many of my good friends are people I met over the internet. It started on a weight watchers message board and escalated from there. First, some of the "locals" would meet up and then it became a huge thing with going to Boston for a cancer walk. I don't do the walks anymore, but I do pick up and fly to different areas of the country to spend time with my friends. My husband has always been understanding and sometimes goes on these trips with me.

To me, your husband sounds insecure and paranoid. Don't think there's any cure for that except therapy.

Without going into the whole"he doesn't trust me" thing have you looked at it from the aspect of he is concerned for your safty? I totally understand his worry. In this day and age of internet / social media thing people are not always what they seem. These women may all be perfectly normal. And one might be a serial killer . You don't know. Is it possible to go on this weekend as a family? Stay in a hotel. Have the women meet at your hotel and go out from there.

I belong to a group. I joined close to 20 years ago. It was a group of women looking for an online support group we all had out of control teenagers. We started out just taking online. Our children grew up. Some of us have met in person. But we talk every day. It moved from aol to Facebook. But there were a couple of people who started in our group that were not what they seemed. And that might be at the root of your husband issue.

Is the issue your safety or him wanting to vet every friend you have? You need to figure out if it's distrust or concern. Then ask your therapist how you proceed from there.

And if he feels that as a parent he should sacrifice his entire social life for his kids, is that part of it? Or is it the length of time you will be away? Etc.

i can see expressing concern, and offering some options that might help him worry less. but telling you he can't stop you from going but it will ruin your relationship is being paternalistic to a degree i would never tolerate.
i don't even know what i'd do with someone like this.
surely a compromise can be reached? after 12 years you guys must have developed some coping tools, right? or is he always this controlling?
ETA some people think that meeting 'people you've never met before' is inherently dangerous. so is meeting people at the grocery store or playgroup. there are potentially dangerous people everywhere. nothing in this post indicates that J. isn't going to meet them first in public places, or that they have any of her private information, or that this will be any more risky than having lunch with some ladies she met at the library. you can be smart and cautious without living in terror.
i flew across the country to spend a week with an online BFF i'd never met in real life. it was an eddication for me in that it really drove home that yeah, the intrawebz are not face-to-face. a week was way too long, and we didn't come out of it as close as we went into it. but it was a great experience for many, many reasons. i just can't see denying myself opportunities because 'something bad might happen.' it might happen today, as i head out for the fairy festival with a car full of (grown) kids. several years ago i got hammered head-on by a car full of partying kids as i came home from fairy festival, injuring my back and totaling my car.
but what will LIKELY happen is that we'll have a great day.
khairete
S.

Julie and Theresa, you got together without me? (wink) Who else?

I think I would not want to meet strangers at a destination to go to a concert or anything else. No, not going to happen.

Just because you've talked to them on the phone does NOT mean they are safe people. Kidnappers who market women on the black market are experts at making women feel comfortable with them so they'll trust them and go away with them.

I think you are disillusioned that these people are your friends, they are in fact complete strangers to you. FB is not real, Twitter is not real.

People get robbed and worse by those they meet on Craigslist to buy things. Your hubby is right in that you don't KNOW these people. People can portray themselves to be anything they want on the internet. I think your hubby is right to be worried, but I think he takes it too far when he says it would ruin your relationship. I am NOT a fan of social media and I do not consider those folks I interact with over the internet to be "friends."

Several years ago I joined a forum on the internet that was set up for grandmothers to discuss their grand children. For a couple years many of us "talked" to each other on a daily basis. We got to know each other pretty well and really became good friends. One day someone suggested we have a big 'reunion'. Since we were all from different regions of the country we decided to meet in Branson, MO. Over 50 grannies (as we called ourselves) came from all over the country, from Maine to Florida to California to Alaska. This was to be a week long trip with all of us staying at the same motel. Mind you, none of us had ever met each other in person and the only things we knew about each other was what we had told people about ourselves. Anyone of us could have been drug dealers, perverts, serial killers or even ax murders! And our families (including our husbands) were very worried about this and warned us not to go! We didn't listen. And I'm glad we didn't!

We had the greatest time together! It was fantastic to finally meet some of the women we had been talking to for over 3 years. That was over 15 years ago! To this day we all still talk on the forum and facebook, have gotten together a few more times and remain best friends!

I think you should go on the trip. Be careful, of course. But also, be prepared to have a great time!

Good idea - talking to your therapist about this.

From what you write and no other information, it sounds to me as if your husband does not distrust you. He is concerned that you think strangers - acquaintances you haven't even met in person - are trustworthy friends.

If it were your husband instead of you interested in getting together with other band fans (and the fans were male) for several days, would you say it was fine, or would you be worried?

If he were just concerned for your safety, he'd be urging you to take a known friend with you, to follow the precautions others have mentioned (e.g., your own car, your own room, only order drinks such as beer in a bottle vs. something someone could spike, and so on). He's right that you can't trust relationships made on line, and it may be a bit premature for you to call these people your "friends." But whether he meets them or not has nothing to do with whether they are safe to be with. I mean, what about his spending, say, an hour with them means that they are reasonable, well-meaning, honest, ordinary music-loving fans who don't have anything weird planned? I think that's one place where his argument falls apart.

The other place it falls apart is that he says that your going "puts the marriage at risk" - that a HUGE leap. That tells me that your safety isn't his primary concern. He's more worried that you are running away from the "boredom" of kids and family (and him) and having some sort of mid-life crisis where you are craving the youthful high of rock & roll and a hedonistic lifestyle. So that's a huge leap as well.

But you say you have attended concerts with some of these women in the past, so you do have some history. You don't say what accommodations or adjustments you are willing to make, such as not sharing a room with someone you haven't met or being safe around alcohol. Maybe you need to define for him what "hanging out" means.

My husband's first wife fell into the sex/drugs/rock & roll thing and absolutely did run away from the marriage and the children. It was horrible. But he also has trust in me. I have traveled for work, which includes going out for dinner and drinks with people he hasn't met, and I've gone out with people I just met at conferences. I'm always with colleagues from this area whom I know, but I've met others from all over the country whom I now consider to be my friends as well. Granted, we have the shared professional associations so maybe it has more structure than a fan group. But my point is, I socialize and travel with people my husband does not know, and even with his history, he is totally fine with it. He also has professional relationships and even some old friends from high school - he meets for lunch now and then with them, and I've not met a lot of them. I'm totally fine with it.

So if you have started therapy, I think it's a good idea to discuss this issue with a neutral party. I'd start with each of you trying to express what you need and want, rather than each of you railing against how the other is so unreasonable and untrusting or foolish or whatever. It's better to start with what you need and to find out what the other is really afraid of or craving, and see if there's some common ground.

I also think it's unreasonable to expect that everyone would get everything he or she needed from just being at home with family. It's okay for a parent to need to be out with other friends, to have interests even if the spouse doesn't like those same things, and to have different social styles. Your husband feels like he needs to sacrifice his social life for his children? Does he WANT a social life, or is he more of a recluse and he's blaming the kids so he doesn't have to own up to it? (I'm not suggesting that you answer that - I'm suggesting that you explore it in therapy. Use the counseling sessions to come to a deeper understanding of each of you and your needs/wants/desires.)

I don't think the issue is that he doesn't trust you. Rather, I think he is concerned for your safety. Lots of scary things have happened to people from actually meeting strangers they met online.

ADDED: I just read your "SWH" addition about the exercise you and he did, where he was clear that under NO circumstances will he ever consider these people your friends, and where he clearly shows he must approve of your friends. This is jaw-dropping stuff to me, what you're describing; you do realize it's not at all normal... Please be sure when you and he discuss it together with the therapist, that your husband does not sugar-coat it, or deny there what he told you tonight, or try to make it all seem softer for the therapist's consumption. I would be very concerned that he'd do that -- try to make you look like you're exaggerating his position, when in reality his position is very, very controlling and inflexible and not about his having ANY worries or concerns for you out of love, but all about his own insecurities and need for control. Beware his trying to convince the therapist that you, not he, have an issue here. Please update us because it sounds like he's got some serious trust issues with you. This is the first time you've tried to stretch outside what he seems to consider "proper" and he's reacting in a very, very telling way --indicating further trouble ahead next time you step outside HIS lines.

Original:
If he said, in so many words, that your meeting these people would "ruin your marriage" -- that's pure drama king behavior. Seriously? He couldn't just say kindly and with real concern, "Honey, I know there are bad people out there who use the Internet to lure others, and I'm worried about that possibility because I want to protect you"--? Instead he's making it sound like (a) it's all about how you don't value your marriage and (b) it's all about how he doesn't trust you--not really about how he doesn't trust the Internet.

I to distrust the Internet and especially social media, but you're not going to meet one person; you're going to meet an entire group, some of whom you have already met in person at concerts -- is that correct? That's a different case from swanning off to meet just one or two people you've never set eyes on, I think.

As someone else noted, see if he will come along (though it sounds as if drama king would somehow make the weekend all about him, and he'd spend it telling you how you both should be home with the kids).

In any case, I'd be sure to get my own room -- don't bunk with someone else, just in case a fellow fan you know online turns out to be a bore or a snorer. And that's just basic safety, to have your own room.

At the core, there are a couple of larger issues here.

Does he try to control your interactions with others in other circumstances too? Does he ever try to stop you from seeing "real" friends he does know but says he doesn't like or approve of? Does he try to make you feel guilty for doing anything that isn't with him and/or the kids? Does he rub your nose in the fact that he sacrifices his social life for his kids, or does he play the martyr for his sacrifices? All those would be red flags to me that he's a controller and is mistaking hovering for parenting and mistaking control for marriage.

So think: Is this an unusual thing, this aversion to your trip, or is it possibly part of a pattern on his part that hasn't been clear before -- but has been present all along? This absolutely should be brought up with the therapist! It's good you're going because it sounds like as a couple you need it. He seems profoundly upset by your acting outside his expectations of you. Is he always so inflexible?

Though my husband wouldn't do THIS, I do have concerns about his boundaries. He is very welcoming and open-armed. I tend to err on the side of guarded. Since I've been with him, though, I'm even more guarded because I don't trust his process of discrimination. The analogy that I use with him is that he leaves our front door wide open, so I can't assume that coming home to someone in the house means that a vetting process has taken place.

Maybe if you discuss with your husband your thought and discrimination processes and your specific plans to be safe, he'll feel better about having you away under these circumstances. Don't visit any of them at home, and only meet in public places. If you have never had this come up in your relationship nor have discussed this in detail, then he has NO IDEA how you plan to handle this event. Often times, we work things out in our own heads and take for granted that our partners just know that we've considered everything. "Doesn't he know that I wouldn't do THAT??" No, he doesn't know, and he has no reason to know if you haven't talked about it. He can only see as far as his own eyes, and if what you're doing doesn't look like what he's doing, then he has no reason to have confidence in it without a frame of reference. Discussing this with him might make him feel better.

Putting your marriage at risk sounds harsh, but it just seems to me that he feels desperate to get you to see his perspective. Maybe he would lose a certain amount of respect for you, if he believes that you are just doing what YOU want with no consideration for his concerns. It makes perfect sense to me if you two are already in a somewhat broken place.

ETA: May I suggest that you stop saying that he has no reason not to trust you? That completely invalidates his feelings. (It would annoy the hell out of me if I had an issue--however irrational--that my husband kept treating like that.) Maybe you have not given him reason, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have reason. If his reasoning is what you are attempting to address, then you first have to acknowledge that it exists. He obviously has reason not to trust you, though it is likely rooted in some experience of his that has absolutey nothing to do with you. Sometimes the language we choose makes a huge difference.

Previous posters made terrific points.

At what point of knowing someone (face to face or online) do you suddenly decide that person has nothing to hide from you? Fact is, when a criminal is caught the friends and family members pretty much always have the same reaction - shock. "He was always so nice." "I never would have thought she could do something like that."

In today's Internet connected world it is normal to meet people online. Many relationships start that way now. Your husband is acting like your decision to go on a weekend trip will put your family in danger. Do you believe it will?

It sounds like it is more of a safety concern he has rather than just being controlling. I personally feel that meeting up with people I have never met in person by myself is not something a person with two young children to think of does. There are lots of things that sound appealing to me, but if unnecessarily dangerous, I will not do them as I want to try to stay in my children's life as long as possible to the extent it is in my control. Some things are inherently risky. Some things, like driving or flying across the country, of course can be equally if not more dangerous, but realistically are pretty unavoidable. Even eating has the risk of choking. I get it. I'm not saying don't ever do anything with the possibility of dying. I don't stay confined to my house :) I'm just saying there are some things that are really not worth the risk TO ME. This would be one of them and maybe this is where your husband is coming from.

I'd say find a babysitter and bring hubby along first time. Encourage the other women to do so also. I plan to meet some 'moms' who I believe my best friends over the years and haven't met any in person (military moms who walked me through my son's service) and my husband will come along. I would rather not ruin my marriage over an issue like this and I definitely would want to go along if it were the other way around. And well, music makes the world go round.

I am going to do something similar this summer.
My husband and I play the same game on the internet but we normally group with different people. Well the people I play with have decided to get together this summer for a 'vacation' at a lake house that one of them owns. My first response was "that sounds great but I'm not going to be there." .... 9 guys (plus SO's) and I am the only woman in the group?? no way in hell that my husband would go for that and I told the guys the same.

I finally spoke to my husband about it and told him "I am only going to ask once, if you say no I will respect what you decide but this is what the plan is...." his response was "Baby I trust you. If you want to go that is your choice. I want to know where you are staying (address) and I want phone numbers of the people you are going to be with though."
He went on to say that in this age with technology being what it is he doesn't think it is that 'weird' for people to meet that have known each other on the internet but just to be careful. 90% of the time everyone will be just what they say but the other 10% can be dangerous..

Honestly it sounds like your husband has major trust issues and I doubt this is the first time he has shown you this (maybe not to this extent). I don't know what to tell you about how to proceed but it is very good that you are in counseling. I hope it helps you guys.

I cannot foresee an instance where I would leave my kids and husband to hang with internet friends. But, thats not to say that you have not managed to form genuine bonds with ladies who share your interests. But I kind of side with your husband in that I'd be weirded out, but not to the extent that it would "ruin your relationship". If these were your old college buddies no problem. Admittedly, I'm not relating to the internet friend thing.
My husband and I don't leave our kids and do separate girl/guy weekends as a trend. Though, I think it is healthy and good for those who do. So long as the friends lift you up and don't drag you down.
Your husband does not know them from adam, so I think its reasonable that he thinks this is a terrible idea.

I read your question and SWH.

At first I thought maybe he thought you were planning to meet another man, but after your follow up I think he's intentionally trying to back you into a corner and make you be the bad guy.

If you go, he says you will "ruin the relationship". That means you go meet your friends he will use it to blame you anything that follows.

At best, it is about using manipulation to control you. At worst, he's already thinking about leaving but wants to make it look like your fault that the marriage ended.