I guess my answer depends on what his was when you told him you wanted a hike & a picnic. Did he say, "Okay honey, anything you want. I'm on top of this"? Or did he look like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to say, and just murmur, "Mmm hmm"?
If the first, I'd have said something the day before, like "So we're all set for tomorrow, right? You've got the lunch and the picnic basket set, and the kids are all set with walking shoes and insect repellent?" If he said yes, then I'd "trust but verify" (looking for signs of lunch preparation) and then, if he was in front of the hockey game, I'd have my substantial butt right between him and the screen.
If the second, I'd say, "Do you think that this is something you can give me?" If not, I'd negotiate and see what he can do vs. what he needs help with. "If I set the GPS for the nature area and set out the kids' clothes, will you make sandwiches or stop at the deli?"
This is all assuming that he's a decent and thoughtful guy the rest of the time. If he's not, you've got a much worse problem.
For now, I'd sit him down and tell him what you told us - you're incredibly hurt and disappointed, and you don't care how hard he works or how much he wants to see a hockey game, it's your birthday once a year. If he can't manage the planning because you do it the other 364 days a year, then you sit down and say, "Okay, listen. What CAN you do and what can you commit to for my birthday? What are my choices?"
That's if you're the direct type.
If you're the indirect type, then you plan ZERO for his birthday, put on a Lifetime movie, and make sure there's no beer in the house. When he gripes, you say, "Oh I thought we weren't celebrating birthdays since you ignored mine." But that leaves you being hurt from now until whenever his birthday is. And even then, he might not get the point. Maybe on his birthday, all he wants to do is the same thing - sit on the couch and watch the hockey game.
The third option is to do what will satisfy you. If planning the hike and the picnic yourself makes you happy, do it. If taking the kids and the sandwiches in the car with no announcement, just being gone for the day, gives you pleasure (rather than resentment that he's not there and you had to do all the work), then do that. If you're better off just booking a spa day and a ladies' overnight in a hotel (leaving him with the kids, their needs, their whining, their runny noses, and their dietary fussiness), then do that. Don't load the refrigerator or make a list of things they eat - just leave. At least he'll appreciate you when it's over - when he's done telling you what a tough day he had.
My husband wouldn't plan a big dinner because he doesn't know how. He would take me out, he would make me brunch, he would get me 2 cards (one for the morning, one on my pillow at night) plus a card from the kid and one from the dog, and he'd ask me what I wanted to do. He would send invitations to friends for a party here, if I called the caterer to set a menu. He'd order pizza if I wanted a "just us" evening. He'd choose good gifts, and he wouldn't get flowers because he knows I don't like them. So that's okay with me because he can do plenty that I want and like. But there is NO WAY he would watch a hockey game if I told him I wanted to feel special and what that meant. And there's no way he'd be getting any sex or special treatment from me for a very, very long time.
So a lot depends on your husband's motivation - does he not care, or is he overwhelmed with not knowing how to do what you want? If the first, get counseling. If the second, then break it down for him to help him organize it. But overall, realize that he's not only hurting you, he's teaching the kids that Mom doesn't matter and no one ever has to make a fuss for her. That's not a legacy you want to continue.
Updated
I guess my answer depends on what his was when you told him you wanted a hike & a picnic. Did he say, "Okay honey, anything you want. I'm on top of this"? Or did he look like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to say, and just murmur, "Mmm hmm"?
If the first, I'd have said something the day before, like "So we're all set for tomorrow, right? You've got the lunch and the picnic basket set, and the kids are all set with walking shoes and insect repellent?" If he said yes, then I'd "trust but verify" (looking for signs of lunch preparation) and then, if he was in front of the hockey game, I'd have my substantial butt right between him and the screen.
If the second, I'd say, "Do you think that this is something you can give me?" If not, I'd negotiate and see what he can do vs. what he needs help with. "If I set the GPS for the nature area and set out the kids' clothes, will you make sandwiches or stop at the deli?"
This is all assuming that he's a decent and thoughtful guy the rest of the time. If he's not, you've got a much worse problem.
For now, I'd sit him down and tell him what you told us - you're incredibly hurt and disappointed, and you don't care how hard he works or how much he wants to see a hockey game, it's your birthday once a year. If he can't manage the planning because you do it the other 364 days a year, then you sit down and say, "Okay, listen. What CAN you do and what can you commit to for my birthday? What are my choices?"
That's if you're the direct type.
If you're the indirect type, then you plan ZERO for his birthday, put on a Lifetime movie, and make sure there's no beer in the house. When he gripes, you say, "Oh I thought we weren't celebrating birthdays since you ignored mine." But that leaves you being hurt from now until whenever his birthday is. And even then, he might not get the point. Maybe on his birthday, all he wants to do is the same thing - sit on the couch and watch the hockey game.
The third option is to do what will satisfy you. If planning the hike and the picnic yourself makes you happy, do it. If taking the kids and the sandwiches in the car with no announcement, just being gone for the day, gives you pleasure (rather than resentment that he's not there and you had to do all the work), then do that. If you're better off just booking a spa day and a ladies' overnight in a hotel (leaving him with the kids, their needs, their whining, their runny noses, and their dietary fussiness), then do that. Don't load the refrigerator or make a list of things they eat - just leave. At least he'll appreciate you when it's over - when he's done telling you what a tough day he had.
My husband wouldn't plan a big dinner because he doesn't know how. He would take me out, he would make me brunch, he would get me 2 cards (one for the morning, one on my pillow at night) plus a card from the kid and one from the dog, and he'd ask me what I wanted to do. He would send invitations to friends for a party here, if I called the caterer to set a menu. He'd order pizza if I wanted a "just us" evening. He'd choose good gifts, and he wouldn't get flowers because he knows I don't like them. So that's okay with me because he can do plenty that I want and like. But there is NO WAY he would watch a hockey game if I told him I wanted to feel special and what that meant. And there's no way he'd be getting any sex or special treatment from me for a very, very long time.
So a lot depends on your husband's motivation - does he not care, or is he overwhelmed with not knowing how to do what you want? If the first, get counseling. If the second, then break it down for him to help him organize it. But overall, realize that he's not only hurting you, he's teaching the kids that Mom doesn't matter and no one ever has to make a fuss for her. That's not a legacy you want to continue.