Husband's Discipline Methods

You and him go take some parenting classes together.
It's more for his benefit but learning together will be good for both of you.

What can you do? You take a parenting class. Together.

The reason he yells is because that ishowhe was raised. He does not know options.

Of course it is easy to say, purchase a parenting book, but would he read it?

You said that you have oken with him, but is he actually willing to learn some options? If so, what could that look like? Could you and he read a parenting book together? Could you down load some parenting tips to his iPod or send him tips once a day through email?

My husband and I have had very basic discussions about parenting,guidance and discipline. He told me that he had NEVER held a baby in his life and was worried, while I was pregnant. He also said he had no idea about changing diapers. Soi promised him, I would not laugh, I would talk him through it and if he was not comfortable in front of other people at first, to just let me know.

Same with dealing with other peoples children. He was worried about "doing it wrong" so I would take the lead until he felt like he could deal with them.

In our neighborhood we really tried to use our words and expectations with all of the children. We knew that of a child was not listening to us, to send them to their own parents to deal with them. If you and your husband could come up with some options on discipline, he will have some options.

I think taking a parenting class together would be good in giving you both an 'equal' foundation in working with the kids.Some areas do offer the "How to Talk So Kids Will LIsten" workshops,and the book is incredibly helpful in regard to interpersonal relationships. The challenge would be to get him to read it, right?;)

While some suggested counseling, it also sounds like anger management may be more to the point in getting a good outcome over the short term.

I come to this as a mom with a temper myself; I had abusive parents who were yellers, too. I *get* this. And sometimes, I do yell, so I've worked to become very conscious of it. I try to limit yelling to safety issues only, like "STOP! STREET!" When my son is distracted. Stuff like that.

What I have found which works wonderfully, though, is whispering. Seems counter-intuitive, but really, when we whisper, our kids have to stop what they are doing to hear us most of the time. They want to approach instead of running away. You may want to take Teen Mom's idea of doing a pro/con list of yelling and whispering as communication techniques and break it down that way. I found my son really prefers the whispering; one thing to consider and share with your husband: at a certain age, when kids are getting yelled at in public, they are MORE LIKELY to continue the misbehavior in order to save face. That makes everyone look bad. Yelling embarrasses the child and so they ignore it in the hopes that it will go away. The angry, ignored parent continues yelling, and loses face. Whispering directions eliminates that 'saving face' factor.

In regard to disciplining other people's kids-- in the situation you describe, no, not appropriate. It's sort of like the puddles on the school playground; my son is not allowed to go into them unless he has his rainboots on. So I'll tell him "remember, you chose your sneakers, so no puddles", but if I see other people's kids in the puddle-- not my business. ONLY when there is a safety issue or my child is being directly impacted will I say anything at all if the parent is present. Too many mama bears out there who would rather rip someone a new one than recognize that their kid is being a brat. If I see a bad situation and parents aren't responsive, I might step in and say "Oh, do you see she's crying? You need to stop (hitting/kicking/etc) your sister".... something like that. But actually disciplining?No.

I have a tendency to resort to yelling when I get overwhelmed, so I can empathize with your husband. It's hard to be completely aware of my growing frustration until after I yell, but I'm working on being more aware of my emotions, taking a deep breath, counting to 10, etc. It's not always easy to break these kinds of habits, so I'm just encouraging you to be aware that this is not going to be easy for him.

I've found that when I disagree with my husband, it is best to not say anything at the time (present a united front to the kids) and try to think of a way to turn the situation around - stand next to him and say something specific to the kids that they could do right then and there to improve their behavior.

I try to talk to my husband about things (whether they be kid related or not) in the evening while we're lying in bed or while we're sitting on the couch after the kids have gone to bed. I will mention the incident, but I bring it up in the context of what a stressful situation our child presented. "Wow, Jonny was certainly a challenge today! I noticed he's been doing this more when he things Suzie is getting more attention." Whatever, but talk about the child and what he/she might be feeling. As the two of you talk about this, you can more easily bring up things you've tried that have or have not worked.

My reason for approaching it this was is that it shows that you struggle, too. It's not all just easy peasy for you. He needs to know that you don't have all the answers, either. Sometimes we get defensive when we are criticized, in part, because it feels like the other person is being a know-it-all. No one likes to feel like they are a complete failure and the other person is perfect.

As much as possible, work through these things together as a team. Try not to focus on his yelling so much as how can we better teach our kids.

I think that you and he need to find a book like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and really work through it. It may also be helpful to have a chat with the pediatrician or teacher or school counselor about your child's developmental age, expectations and good ways to get his attention. My DH and I were butting heads because he was much more temperamental with our 5 yr old than he ever was with his older kids. I think he forgot what 5 is like. It took a third party to tell him that all yelling does is get kids to tune out and teach them to yell back to get him to think about what he really wanted and how to get it from DD.

The other part of it is that it got to the point where I felt like I didn't care if he thought I was undermining him, I didn't like it and I didn't want my kid to think, "Dad screams at me and Mom doesn't care." Because I do care.

Our area has free and low cost parenting classes. The schools have the information on them. If your area does the same, look for them and go to them with him. Get a sitter because its really that important.

He needs to realize that yeah, he can get a change in behavior. But it will be out of fear and resentment and not respect. And then he may find that when his kids are grown and gone and can choose....they may not want to come back.

You need to tell him flat out to stop trying to discipline other people's kids when their parents are right there. Tell him that he is crossing a line each time he does it and that those parents do not appreciate that.

Tell him privately that the next time he just goes off on your children, you are going to jump in and try to diffuse the situation. If your husband is being too abrasive or even abusive to the children, then I imagine that they see your closed mouth and think that no one has their back. It's one thing to stand back and not interfere while the children learn from him. It's another thing to stand back and allow him to break them.

I would tag in once I could see/hear that my husband was going overboard or needed a little help. I would step in and ask what's going on and then offer what I think is a more appropriate solution. Something that could work for all of us. I would discuss the details of it with him in private, but I would implement them with the kids in the moment. I would do it in a way that would kinda guide him to and through it, not like I'm just taking over.

Obviously, he needs a different method. It's not enough for him to just understand where this one comes from. When you two are talking about it--all the time if necessary--come up with a solution. Agree on alternatives. In the heat of the moment. when he deviates from those alternatives, remind him (YES, RIGHT THEN) that you agreed on something else. You've got to interrupt his behavior and redirect him to what you agreed to, in order to help him break this cycle. Otherwise, if you're always waiting until he's finished, then you continue to accumulate instances where he's doing the wrong thing and then waiting until the next time to do something different (which never happens, by the way). And that imprint is continually made on your children's souls.

I would suggest you get your husband a well researched book on parenting. By well researched, I mean something that already fits well into your parenting philosophy. I think he may relate better to Dr. Dobson's books on parenting being that he's a bit more old school. He addresses yelling in a way that is so eye opening. Essentially, this is your husband's breaking point and kids have learned their parents breaking point and push us to our limits. The way to overcome this ugly method of parenting to the point of anger, is to deal out consequences with the first offense without involving our emotions. But none of this will do well coming from you. Get a few books, read them, then hand him a copy, or say "read this chapter." Best of luck.
I think it is almost always inappropriate to yell at other people's children unless there is eminent danger. He was out of line.

You need to tell him to STOP yelling at other kids. The other problems are more complex, but that can be solved. Obviously when discipline slacks and is inconsistent it leads to lots of yelling because kids know they don't need to comply for a million more warnings. All kids do that. BUT, that has nothing to do with him yelling at other kids, and to be honest, yelling in public. I HATE when I see people yelling in public. It's like an out of control adult display. It's one thing to "call your child loudly" a couple of times, or tell them loudly to stop something because they're at a distance, but the public angry harping is not OK (or in private really). Yelling is not discipline, and if you can't discipline in public, and you have to wait, then what's the point of yelling other than making a scene and teaching your kids you are loud and embarrassing and powerless? But most of all, he has no right to parent anyone else's kids.

If I were you I'd focus on this one item. He should absolutely be able to stop himself from yelling at other people's kids no matter what his upbringing was. Don't tell him in the moment, have a talk and prepare him.

Second on the list is to ask him to quit yelling in public. It lacks maturity.

i applaud you for not getting into a public war with him, in front of your own kids AND other people, but your passivity becomes complicity after a certain point.
there's no way i'd allow my children to be treated this way. and if i encountered someone like your husband when i was out and about with my own kids, i too would not engage the ogre, but i'd make sure we steered way clear. surely you don't want that.
it's also not okay for your son to ignore him. so you DO need to come together on parenting methods that are effective. his yelling and your silence aren't working, so you need to explore something that does.
it doesn't sound as if your 'talks' with him have had sufficient gravitas. you need to do more than suggest. you need to mom up and lay down the law- channel your own inner colonel, or inform him that you too have parents and grandmothers and you know good and well how to handle kids and you are going to scare HIM into behaving. or at least listening to you. if he really did have strong women in his family line, he should be capable of understanding when you mean business.
and you should mean business.
i roll my eyes at 'mamabears' but there are times when it's appropriate. loom over your husband. he clearly doesn't understand subtlety or the soft touch. he's a military man- give him some military discipline.
khairete
S.

When I used to have difficult stuff to discuss with my husband and did not know how to approach it, it would write pro/con lists and tell him I do not know how to talk about this but here are some of the things I feel about this issue and hand him the list and ask if we could talk about it that evening at a time of his choosing. your pro/cons could be: yelling stops the bad behavior right now, but does not teach the reason why, yelling might relive dad's stress about a situation but becomes a habit and then kids tune it out, yelling all the time will then not work when a truly dangerous situation presents itself, etc.
My husband is also more restrictive with our girls where I did not see danger, but he explained to me that when the kids use something in a way for which it was not designed (climbing up the slide, jumping on the outside of a moonwalk, too many kids on the trampoline, etc) THAT is when he feels they should stop because those situations tend to cause injuries. When he explained it that way, it made sense to me, and while I still felt some situations were not really dangerous (climbing up the slide in our own yard when no one is coming down) I at least understood his reasons.

I agree with Suz, and I agree that you need to lay down the law. Yelling all the time is not only ineffective, it's terrible for your kids, in all kinds of ways. It needs to stop.

I checked your profile, I see you are a special ed teacher. I would think you would know of some books you could get for him to read, maybe from the library. You may even read them together and discuss each chapter as you read them.
I think you are right by not correcting him in front of the kids. When you do say something be general. Something like 'honey when we were at the park and you yelled at the kids.... do you think you could have handled it this way'.

Getting him to talk to a counselor would help but he may be unwilling to go.

Parenting classes for both of you so that you can both be on the same page. You have different parenting styles and might help if you can both learn a style that works for both of you and you can learn to work together.

EDIT: I wouldn't just hand him a book and tell him "Do it this way" or point to a chapter and say, "You should read this part especially." That's somewhat condescending and you want to show him that you see him as a partner in parenting. You really may think your parenting style is superior... and maybe it is... but you don't want to shove that in his face with a bunch of books. Instead, if you tell him that you'd like to attend parenting classes with him it will show him that you see him as a partner but it serves another purpose. Well, apart from getting on the same page. You'll get to see exactly what he's learning too... and you might learn something valuable yourself. Something you can't learn from books.

I think he needs to find a different meathod. I would not concider yelling at other children a discipline. If the snow hill was in your yard than it is ok for him to make them get off. If it is in a public place like a park or outside a school than he had no buisness telling them to get off. Its ok to tell your kids thatyou do not think its a big deal and they can play, but if daddy tells you something and im not around you listen. Make sure they know when you do overpower your husband its not every time they want their ownway you interfere. tell them your husband has some say too and you just have totake turns.