Husband Traveling

It's not exactly the same, but my husband is in Iraq...again. He is active duty Army, so it's part of the job. Yes, we signed up for it, but at the same time, he was commissioned in 1998...before the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan started. It's not easy...I have 3 kids--oldest is 5--and live no where near family. If it is part of his job, then there isn't much you can do--except ask him to find a new job (probably not realistic in this economy). But, if he's volunteering to travel for weeks at a time, then there is something else going on and you can't blame the job.

Here's the thing - I don't think that he really understands. Because if he really understood, he wouldn't be meeting friends for some extra days.

Honestly, for some reason the two of you are at an impasse, and from your post I can't exactly tell why. But my sense is that the travel is a symptom, not the problem itself.

I would consider marital counseling.

edited to add: I'm not really sure how Theresa's comment is in any way helpful. It's just judgmental. Fine, your choices aren't the ones that she would make, but to question why you even had your son seems just rude. Don't take it to heart - lots of people raise children in lots of different ways. Nothing in your post suggested anything about not loving your son with a whole heart.

Grrr...why do we always have to pick on other mothers just because they're not exactly like us? It's fine to disagree, but can we please keep it at least helpful disagreement?

Good luck.

To me it seems like you, your husband, and everyone else in the fam seems to have something they'd rather do than take care of children, which is a full time job. Makes me wonder why you had him to begin with.
Just sayin'

:)

I have a hard time understanding why, when one spouse has an opportunity to enjoy a change of scene with friends (such as your husband and his "buddies"), the other spouse cannot be pleased for him. Love is giving. You seem to spend a lot of time counting how much you are getting out of the marriage, and resenting any pluses your husband derives. This is not love.

I agree with Jane, that the travel seems like a symptom. And the anger seems like a symptom. Some counseling might help to get to bottom of what's really going on here. But in the meantime, if my spouse was always angry at me, I might extend my trip a few days to have fun with friends, too.

Aaaand I agree with Theresa, too. There's four adults here and all seem so put out that there's a child to care for.

You have a nanny and two grandmothers to help. Wow. And no, life isn't fair. Many of us have full-time jobs, some don't have any help. A lot of us haven't had a vacation since our baby was born, some of us for many years.

Don't continue to be angry, it's a waste of life. Talk this through, with a counselor if need be. There seems to be some deeper issues here.

Unfortunately, I've been in a similar boat (work / school more than full time, husband who's constantly traveling, feel like a single mom although technically I'm not, etc.) I was in the same place you are. The only thing that finally helped my simmering, constant resentment / depression was to set up a once a month girls' night out with two long-time friends (part of the problem was I NEVER had time for me) during which my husband babysits. We schedule the get togethers around his travel schedule. He's actually been relieved, be/c it makes him feel less guilty when he takes time for him. I also asked my husband to start taking the babies on one weekend morning so I could sleep in, and then I'd take the babies the next weekend morning so that I could catch up, at least a little bit, on sleep. I do think going away with your husband is a GOOD THING - your child will be fine if you're gone for 7 days so long as there's a family member and/or nanny the child knows who are willing to help out. I know it's hard to do, but I did it when my daughter was 1 (I accompanied my husband on a 5 day business trip) and again when I had two children (then ages 3 and 5) and both times it helped us renew our relationship / let me feel like a human being again, so that when I WAS back with my children I was happier and more productive. I don't travel away from them often, but it IS important. It's not a magic cure-all -- I've had to be a lot more vocal about my needs and explicitly setting up a schedule where I'll feel supported and my husband also feels supported -- but it has helped tremendously. Also know - the first two years are some of the most self-sacrificing, but it will probably get better as your child becomes more self-sufficient. Hang in there!!

Kate, your husband has a job and that is good and gets to come home. When you are in the Military your husband gets to travel and you may not even see him for 12-16 months! We had 3 small children that only knew their fathers voice and pictures we had on the walls that had sand paper glued to some so they were not surprised by a feel of a beard.
Many military wives work because they can't afford not to. If you are able to do what we did and find a life hobby of your own. We traded childcare so that we could do our things. Some had full time baby sitters and since you have a Nanny then pay her more to stay with the children during that time!
Depending on your mothers and mother in law ages and how much they have to do it might be unresonable to hae them do it. When my husband was gone for 15 months both f mine worked and had little spare time and then one had poor health. So talk to the Nanny and see if its doable. Good Luck- there are many moms that have no choice but wish they did.

I would have to agree with Jane M. It is very easy for things to change in a marriage after having kids. You have to learn how to get back into your groove, but it will be a different groove than you had before. I know how tiring it gets taking care of a baby and working full time. If you can, try to start having a "date night" with your hubby every week. This is so important for you relationship. You are not allowed to talk about bills or the kids, or stressful things. This is a time to go out and have fun with each other. I hope that you guys can come to a compromise and work things out.

I am a stay at home mom and when my girls were 18 months and 5 yrs my husband had some long stays in Japan for about 2 years. He would be gone for 2-3 months. I knew he was working but I also knew he was going out drinking and, basically, living the single life in Tokyo while I was caring for 2 small children with no family nearby. He had no leisure trips while in Japan and part of the reason was because he felt guilty doing fun things wait I was stuck at home. This was a very hard time in our marriage. I think it is important to try to keep fun times equal. I can understand you being upset that your hubby will meet friends in Amsterdam. Regarding the two of you going away - it sounds as if it might be a marriage saver for you. Good-luck.

Go away with your husband for a week. It will be good for you and for your marriage to have a little break.
I went on a business trip to France with my husband when one kid was 2 and the other 7 months old. Both my mother and Mother-in-law came into town to take care of them. They had fun and bonded, they kids were fine and it was a much-needed break for my husband and me.

Hi Kate,
You really have my sympathy. this is a difficult situation without an easy answer. My husband has a full time job and is also a musician who has toured for 2-3 weeks at a time. We have two small children and the touring has been really hard.
I won't go on and on, but I wanted to make a suggestion/comment I didn't see addressed in the other posts-- you say your son is not a great sleeper? I completely sympathize-- my 1 year old is a crappy sleeper too and it SEVERELY affects my quality of life, my mood, etc... I encourage you, for yourself, for your marriage, to address your son's sleep issues so you in particular can get more rest. When you are rested all things will be easier and communication with your husband will improve. Hire a sleep consultant, do whatever it takes. Get rested. Do it!
And best of luck untangling and moving through this period. It won't last forever or so they tell me!

Wow! I have been A) a stay at home mom to little ones while Dad (1st H.) traveled and was never any help and B) a working mom whose hubby(2nd H.) helped A LOT
I cant imagine being a working mom with a small child AND a hubby who is gone so much!! it sounds very stressful and anyone who gives you a hard time and accuses you of not wanting your child has probably never experienced either situation.
I think you need to "get away" for two weeks (one week)and leave him home with the little one. He will get a great lesson in what your life is like and what being a father is. You need to work hard to (without whining and complaining) include Dad in his baby's life, to show him what a great father he can be, and how much his family needs and wants him,
I highly recommend marriage counseling to help Dad adapt to his new responsibilities. Dad and child need to bond and you can facilitate that by praising Dad for the time he spends with son, never criticizing how they interact or how he helps around the house, but ALWAYS encouraging more interaction and more responsibity from Dad. Start relying on him more and telling him how much his son needs him. If you research and print out articles on how men are happier and healthier when they contribute more to home and family maybe he will see that you are not being selfish, but are looking at what is best for him and his son. It is So hard when we are exhausted and abandonded to not whine and complain but find ways to encourage Dad to WANT to spend more time at home.

We went through something very similar when our kids were young. I had three in three years. We had no family and virtually no support at all. We never got a babysitter and my husband worked long hours, plus traveled. That's one thing if the travel is for work. Sometimes they just can't help it. But, if he's volunteering and adding on days for "fun", something needs to change.
My husband would do his "guy trips" on top of the travel. He would also burn up so much time doing his "projects". No lie, it would take him 4 hours to wash his car. He.Just.Didn't.Get.It. I would get so mad and he would get defensive. Finally, I told him that since I already felt like a single mother, I was leaving to go live with my mom (3 hours away). At least there, I would have someone to help me. Now, this worked for me, cuz I was a SAHM. But, just the threat of it, made my husband re-think his ways. I'm not saying to threaten to leave him, but you may have to make it clear that this will not continue the same way it has.
If it makes you feel any better, it may be a ignorance thing. Even though your son is one, it's still kind of new. The older our kids got, the more my husband wanted to spend time with them. They could do more things together as they got older. That helped. He also realized how fast they grow and change. We've seen our own one year old, seemingly overnight, turn into a 12 year old. It just seems kind of like a maturity issue, too. He may still be a boy, himself, and time will help that. Sure, that doesn't help YOU, right NOW, but it's still better than nothin'.
My husband said that when I told him I was going to my mom's it really made him think. He said it was the best thing I couldn've done in that situation. Your husband needs to spend some one-on-one time with your son for more than a couple hours. You need a break. And, if you take one, DON'T feel guilty!! Just another perk of motherhood...LOL!

I would be irked too.... you are not a bad person for feeling this way... and you work too.

I have a friend, who's husband is an executive... and travels extensively for his job and works long hours when he is in town, home.

BECAUSE of that, and they have 3 kids.... (she is a SAHM though), he hired FOR her... a Nanny... who helps her... in the evenings (when she needs it most and the time when she is just so stressed).... and that has helped her. BECAUSE... SHE is the one, home alone, with her kids daily.... and he is not, home. So at least for him, he totally understood... and so he got the hired help, for his Wife.
She was so stressed/worried and would actually have days/nights where she'd just be crying from the stress.
She has 3 ACTIVE rascal boys....

You said you have a Nanny... and your Mom sometimes helps.
So that is... good.
Maybe adjust the 'timing' of when the Nanny comes over? Can she come nights, instead????
Think about that option..... too.

AND NO... you are not 'bad' for needing time off and respite for yourself. Your Mom... is probably having an 'old fashioned' attitude toward your needing respite for yourself.
You also need to tell your Husband... that.

AND... your Husband... HAS TO FESS UP... that his being away.. is a MEGA hardship...on you and the family and your son... too. HE is a Dad and a Husband.. .and him taking extra days off for play time with his friends... would irk me too. Geez.

BUT, you are also joining him for 7-10 days, on an upcoming trip... but... so I guess your Mom is taking care of your son for that time????
But his total time away.. will be THREE WEEKS?! Yikes! that is a long time... for work.....
Um I don't know what to say to that....

You feel angry, because you are getting the short end of the stick.
Even if you try to be understanding of your Hubby.
YOU work too.
And... he will be a passing ship in the night... and a "part-time Husband and Dad.... and your Son will grow up not really knowing him.. to be around..... and that is sad..... (but that is his job).
Is his traveling... a HAVE TO for his job? Or is that his choice????

Kids grow up FAST... and... how does your Husband feel, not being around for your Son???????????
You said your Husband previously tried to limit his traveling... but 'now' is not. So how come????

Granted, with a situation like this... it would cause... much 'fighting' and friction.... between the both of you.
The bottom line is:
Your Husband travels a lot. Your son is growing up... and not having him around.
You are not having him around.
He is there... part-time....
But he is STILL a Husband and a Dad... and YOU have to pick-up the pieces of missing aspects of your Son, because he is NOT there... much. And you work too.
So... that and its impact on your child... are to me... very important... and DOES your Husband... see that?
Your Husband.... is a passing-ship in the night.
He is not there, nor available.... nor.... does he seem to understand... the nuances of that.... upon you or your/his Son and his development....

Next: can you just quit your job???? Because... children... NEED to have a consistent parent around.
I am not minimizing your role or that you work... BUT... if your Husband is ALWAYS gone and doing HIS own agenda/job.... and he is hardly home... for his child.. then, what if you stay home... so that your son can have more parental consistency..... ?
Since your Husband.... does NOT seem to understand... what his being GONE.... does upon his family, his child... or you.

What IS a "Dad" to your Husband? Just not being around for your Son???
What is your Husband's idea, about his ROLE of being a Husband????
If he is hardly around... well then, he cannot expect you and your son to be... Happy.

Sorry this is long-winded....

all the best,
Susan

Did you consider bringing your son and nanny on the trip? I have friends that do this and it works out great for everyone.

Hi Kate,

I don't have this experience at all but I read it and I feel sad for you. I'd have a very challenging time dealing with this myself. Keep strong and keep communicating but not nagging your husband. I'd suggest telling him you need a break and when he gets back you are going to Vegas with your girlfriends. I know you are all going to yell at me but perhaps if you leave on vacation of your own he'll understand how much work it is to take care of your child.

I just went through a separation from my ex because the first 2 years my ex would leave and go on weekends to ride his dirt bike or do MotoX races and I did everything with my daughter every single day and he lost me. I lost who I was, I lost friendships, I lost ME. I ended up leaving so at least i'd have a custody agreement and some ME time and well that has surely helped him become a better father and really value his time with his daughter. He "gets" how hard it is now and appreciates me 100x's more. I'm not saying to leave your husband because that is HORRIBLE for children I'm just saying every once in a while help him understand by leaving for a few days on the weekend just how draining it is...

I hope i'm giving you good advice but that's all I could say to relate. Otherwise I hope you keep strong and soon he doesn't have to leave so much.