Husband Upset About Pregnancy and Walked Out

If he so seriously didn't want more kids, why didn't he have a vasectomy? You know, take some responsibility for his own reproductive capabilities? I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Is he otherwise a worthwhile human being?

He might come around or he might not.
If he REALLY didn't want more kids he could/should have had a vasectomy.
He should get one now instead of brooding and having a hissy fit.
If he's great with the first 2 kids, he should get over it and bond with the third sooner or later.
He feels you intentionally let the birth control fail which is why he feels betrayed (again, he could have had himself snipped before now so he ought to be a bit mad at himself and not put all the blame on you).
Both spouses need to be on board when it comes to planning a baby.
If either one says no, the other should not just go ahead.
But sometimes accidents really do happen.
Some marriage counseling might help.

Well maybe if he would learn how to talk, instead of pout, you could address the situation like adults. If he is truly such a great dad then I can't imagine he wouldn't eventually come around and be excited for this child. If he was THAT against having another child he could have manned up and had a vasectomy.

You "betrayed" him? He "can't be with you because you betrayed him?" Does he not understand the concept of how babies are made? Does he not understand the concept of birth control failure when one or both of you didn't get permanently sterilized? I'm sorry but he's acting like a complete, immature idiot. There are high school kids who step up better than he is, and he's a freaking married man.

There is no blame in a situation like this. I understand that he'll need time to cope and come to grips with the news, but for him to up and leave the house, you, and the children is ridiculously immature. He's going to have to accept the news one way or another. Even if he decides to remain "mad" at you and doesn't get his head out of his backside, he still has another child that he's now responsible for that he helped make.

I'll tell you what, though. I think this is a smoke screen. There's something else going on with your husband or there's something else that's been going on with your marriage because his reaction is so over the top. There's something really shady about it. He's acting like a dick for a reason.

This might not be a popular answer, but I would leave him some space to get things figured out.
He thinks you betrayed him so that begs the question as to whether or not you had been really discussing another baby and he was against it and then suddenly your birth control "fails".
I'm sorry, but I know women who have done that to their husbands. Not really "purposely" trying to get pregnant but maybe missing a pill here or a pill there and whatever happens...happens.
Well, sometimes what happens is the husband isn't happy and the wife is upset because that's not the reaction she was hoping for.
I have a friend who was OCD about birth control and SHE was so upset when she got pregnant, she didn't want her husband anywhere near her for a while. She was NOT happy. She had two kids under the age of 3, she was overwhelmed with her work and daycare schedule as it was. She cried for days. She did not want another child. She did everything to prevent it aside from not having sex with her husband and all the sudden she was damn sorry she'd let him anywhere near her.
She calmed down after a time, but it did take a while.
She wasn't ready to put her body through that again, she wasn't ready to figure out how to juggle yet another child.
Her feelings were valid.
Your husband is probably feeling overwhelmed. If you struggle at all financially, he's probably worried how he's going to cut back and make more and pull it all off.
Kids, as you know, are a lifetime commitment. They are blessings, but they also aren't easy. They aren't cheap.
If your husband is the sole support for your family, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and give him time to absorb all of this. It doesn't sound like he's left you completely, he's just not happy about this right now.
It's easy for people to say "He needs to grow up and man up".
It's my guess that he totally knows that. More then ever. And he's likely scared crapless.
In this instance, what he should do is go and get a vasectomy so that he feels he has control over the procreation issue since he didn't want another child. And then, settle in to the idea of another baby in the house.
I really can't see him divorcing you and leaving your kids over you getting pregnant unless he truly feels you did it on purpose. And I hope you didn't.
Stuff happens and it can be shocking at first.
I never used birth control and couldn't get pregnant. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy and started feeling funny so I went to the doctor.
After all the years of trying, I was pregnant and in complete shock. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad.
I was in denial.
I simply couldn't believe it.
I had my son, who is the greatest surprise joy of my life, but I'll be honest, I was in disbelief for a while.
Utter disbelief.
Your husband might be feeling the same way.
Men don't carry the babies. I think it's fair for us to understand that they feel they don't have much control over things after conception and prior to birth.

I think your husband will come around. If he's a wonderful father, he will love the new baby. He might be more scared than mad.

Best wishes.
I think he'll come around.

If he absolutely did not want any more children - he should have had a vasectomy. It should not only be up to one partner to be on and be responsible for birth control.

I'd tell him to grow up and go get snipped so he can be sure this sort of oops will not happen again if he truly feels so strongly about it and to man up and be a husband and Father.

k

Another child is a HUGE commitment that your husband did not want. It may mean working longer (years longer), working the night shift instead of getting back to days, having less time with the two kids you already have, delaying retirement, not feeling able to provide adequately for the two children he has, not being able to provide for college for the two kids, not being able to have as many years being 'just the two of you' again. It could mean any or all of these things to him. And maybe he really does think you 'planned' this. Of course he knows the up side - he already has two.

If I got pregnant (accidentally) again, DH and I would both need to strongly consider whether adding a second child would be right for our family. In my case the answer would be no and whether or not DH would consider it, we would not have the child.

Perhaps you need to really consider whether having another child will work for your marriage and your current family. Maybe it will and he will come around. Maybe it will not and you will need to decide if this is worth ending your marriage over.

Wow, I'm so sad for you. You need to go to counceling right away. You can't make babies by yourself....... He's being a jerk!

Happened to my mom when she got prego with an iud in perfect position. My dad didn't think they could handle a second child financially at the time and though he didn't walk out- he was indifferent the entire pregnancy...not At all like he has been when she was pregnant with me 3 years prior. Mom ended up getting her tubes tied after the birth of my sister because she didn't feel she ever wanted to go through a pregnancy feeling "alone" again. She was 23 when she did that. My dad came around...after my sis was born and he has been a fantastic husband and father for the last 35 & 33.5 years, respectively. He was worried about providing for and taking care of another person and scared. I pray your husband comes around as well... And for the record, he could have had a vasectomy and then this couldn't have happened if he was so hell-bent against additional children. Best wishes!

If he really didnt want more kids he should have gotten fixed himself. He has to realize it takes TWO to make a baby.
It sounds like he feels very pressured, maybe financially, and is afraid that he wont be able to support 3 children adequately. Give him time and space, gently remind him that this was not YOUR fault alone and that birth control is not 100% effective.
Why would he give up his entire family just because another little member is coming along. Tell him this might be the one kid that ends up being rich and famous some day and will be the kid that helps you guys out when you are old.
I didnt want to have kids at all, but God gave me two of them instead. He did it to take care of me.......I see that now :)

What a baby!!!!!!!!!!! He didn't get his way and now he's pouting. He needs to understand that all birth control except complete abstinence only has a 95-99% success rate. Birth control fails sometimes. He was there too. He could have had a vasectomy and chose not to have one. Even a vasectomy or tubal are not 100% that can fail too.

I would recommend counseling if he won't go, go for yourself. You should also be looking for an attorney to help you sort out custody and child support.

I too went through this but not to the severity of your situation. Christmas of 2008, in fact it was Christmas Eve. My sister was up visiting and I told her that I didn't feel right. I went and got a pregnancy test, took it and came out positive and then I went to my dr's office for them to do a pregnancy test there just confirm and yep it was verified. The nurse looked at my sister and then at me and asked, why my sister was smiling and I wasn't. I was like, well it's not her that has to tell my husband. We were through having kids however God had other plans. My husband was in fact supposed to get a vasectomy after our daughter was born (5 years earlier) but he didn't. I was on the pill but missed a couple so here I was pregnant at age 37 and my husband at the time was 50. I told him that evening and was not too pleased. He was worried about his job, his age, all of it. My husband is a talker but that Christmas he was extremely quiet. We went through the motions of Christmas for our daughters sake but you could feel the tension. He blamed me for awhile saying I was trying fill this void I had. My mom had just passed a few months prior and I was still (still am) very shaken by the loss. I in no way got pregnant on purpose but here I was. It took sometime for the shock to wear off but once it did, he and I both realized that everything happens for a reason. God decided we weren't done having kids. I was given my first boy (actually he's the only boy in my family). We look at him and we can't think of not having him. If your husband is a good man, a good family man and he truly loves his family, he will come around. It may take awhile for the shock to wear off but eventually it will. Don't pressure him right now. Give him some time. It's a difficult thing to wrap your mind around when you had completely thought you were done. Right now he saying hurtful things out of anger. He knows it's not all of your fault. It's really no one's fault. It obviously is meant to be. Focus on you and your kids right now and try not to let him bother you too much. Give him the space he needs right now. Like I said, if he really is a good man, he'll come around and accept it. Things may not have worked out according to his or your plans and that's okay. Hang in there. There is hope that all will be fine. Once you see that he is more approachable I would really sit down with him and try to talk it all out. Good luck and congratulations on the new life.

Added after reading some of the other responses, I will say this, I don't agree with your husband running off and staying at his brothers per se but I understand that he may need to do that in order to get the space he needs to digest this new dynamic. My husband needed that time. No, he didn't run off and stay somewhere else but he wasn't completely here with me if you know what I mean. While it's not the reaction you were needing and wanting, it was a knee jerk reaction on his part. Give him sometime to think it through completely. Now if he was to continue saying this stuff, blaming you for it, etc, I would then look into your options. But let's not jump the gun on this too fast. Give him some time. I'm talking about a reasonable amount of time. He needs to step and be there for you. You didn't get pregnant on your own. :)

I can understand him being shocked and maybe not thrilled right away but to move out and abandoned you and your children is very childish and selfish. It takes two to tango and unless he gets a vasectomy or you have your tubes tied you are at risk of pregnancy. Even then sometimes $$it happens!!! I wouldn't kiss his you know what, he needs to grow up. Go about your business and take care of yourself and your children. When he is finished pouting he will come home. And his brother is a bigger A$$ for not sending him back home. Sorry but this makes me mad. This isn't your fault alone, he was there wasn't he???? I wasn't expecting my last pregnancy and it took me a day to come to terms with it. I didn't want more children either, and boy am I glad she is here. She is truly an angel and is 22 years old now. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Tell hubby when you play sometimes you have to pay!!!

Sounds to me like something else is going on and this is an excuse to move out. Why would he sleep out and come home after work. Are you sure he is where he says he is??

What a baby, hes needs to grow up. We all know that BC is not 100% effective. You didn't do it on purpose and he was 50% at fault. If he wants to ignore you I would do the same back. Don't talk to him at all. He'll eventually come around when he doesn't have any clean clothes.

Congratulations!

Even though our situations are different, they're also similar, maybe. My husband was 'weird' through both of my pregnancies. Although he didn't physically move out, he definitely left, emotionally. And, they weren't accidents with anyone to blame, both of my pregnancies were discussed and planned, by both of us, before they happened...?!?! My pregnancies were when our marriage seemed to start falling apart, only to fall back into place and be OK.

During my first, we had friends that were also pregnant and watching him rub their bellies and make a fuss over them hurt really bad because he never did any of that with me...sometimes it was all I could do to get him to talk to me, much less touch me. With the second, he made new (young) friends and lied to them about me and me about them...kind of lived two lives. He went 'out' as much as he possibly could to avoid being at home with his pregnant wife. When my son (#2) was 5 days old, I left him. The kids and I lived with my parents for almost 11 months before I decided to give our marriage another shot. We'll be married 13 years in September, now, and our kids are 9 & 5 and he is a GREAT father!

I think some men just get completely freaked out by the thought of having another mouth to feed, a human life to be fully responsible for, and they react very strangely. I found that it had a lot to do with his level of maturity...not quite synced with his age, if you know what I mean?? Now, my husband jokes with me about being pregnant and having more kids...?!?! I shut down shop with a tubal after #2, though, so kidding is all he can do. ;o)

I'll say a prayer for you that your hubby will come around and realize the miracle you TWO have created TOGETHER and how wonderful it can be if he'll just allow it in his heart. Hugs to you!!

I've been in your shoes and it's hard! The exact same thing happened to us, except that I forgot my BCPs when we went away for a weekend and my husband was aware of that but we still didn't take precautions. I really figured it was a safe time of the month, but surprise! We had two little boys at the time and he knew I wanted a third, but he didn't.

My husband was pretty upset for 2 or 3 days. He didn't move out, but he barely spoke to me. After a few days he thawed out some, and within a week things were mostly back to normal, but we kind of avoided talking about the pregnancy as much as possible. I still remember how nervous I was when I told him I had scheduled an appt with my ob/gyn and needed him to watch the older two kids.

I will admit that I didn't enjoy the first part of the pregnancy nearly as much as I did the first two because I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. He didn't get upset after that first time, but I didn't want to risk it happening again, so I didn't look at baby clothes or talk about names or anything like that. By the time we found out the gender (which was way early - 12 weeks! - and it was boy #3!), he had come around.

Baby boy #3 is now 14 months old and you would never know he wasn't planned. My husband loves him every bit as much as he does the first two, and our relationship has been fine as well.

Hugs to you! I know how strange it feels to be in this position - you should be able to lean on him as you process the shock or share your excitement, but instead you have to worry about his feelings. It sucks.

I am so sorry. I have not been in your situation, but I also have a DH who is adamant that he does not want any more kids. I have told him on numerous occasions that he should get snipped if that is the case. I am on an IUD, but even those aren't 100%!
Any man who does not want children needs to take responsibility and protect himself. Just because it's the woman who carries the pregnancy, it doesn't mean the whole responsibility should fall on us. We are human, birth control pills fail, we are not infallible (seriously who has NEVER forgotten to take the pill on time?). How often would we have unintended pregnancies if the man was on the pill?
Unplanned things happen in life - he needs to get over it. Get counseling. Good luck.
PS: Needless to say my DH hasn't gotten snipped yet - I will NOT be held accountable for any misshaps!

a woman had her tubes died for 20 years and she got pregnant. her husband demanded she get an abortion and left her when she didn't because their last child was done with college and he wasn't starting over.
after the baby was born, he came to see it and instantly changed.
their relationship survived though it was painful for her.
their girl never found out and is daddy's girl to this day.

Does he understand it takes TWO to get pregnant?

Yesh, I gotta say, my blood boils a little reading your post. Can he speak with a doctor, and get a birds and bees conversation from a professional? Does he understand that birth control (any kind) has a risk of failing?

It sounds to me like he's not thinking logically. He's not accepting that sometimes people get pregnant accidentally, and that he is part of that equation, because that's harder than being accountable and dealing with his feelings.

Good luck. And congratulations!

S., I am so sorry that your husband is such a coward. I agree with Jessica! There is something else going on.
Please hold him accountable for the childish, damaging, cowardly, selfish way that he is behaving!

If I were you, I wouldn't let him back in the house until he apologizes!

Well, you know him best. If he needs time and space, give him time and space.

*Personally* I feel like HE'S actually betraying YOU more than you "betrayed" him. I'm just glad for YOUR sake that he didn't have a vasectomy or lord knows how he would have reacted!

It was an accident.
NO birth control, is 100% fail proof.
Even a vasectomy, is not fail proof.

Geez.

He is really, reacting badly and blaming you.
He created the baby too.

Please don't let this, destroy your inner sense of self.

congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!! i know it wasn't planned, but every child is a gift. i wish i had some words of wisdom but i dont. the closest i have come to this was my husband being initially dissapointed when we found out we were having twins....it took almost my whole pregnancy but he finally came around and once they were born he has been in love ever since! i will pray for you.

edit: man, i think that people are being harsh on your hubby. maybe he is scared, financially worried about the new baby or embarassed about how he reacted...give him the time u think he needs, like you said.

You betrayed him? Does he think you did this on purpose? What could make him all of the sudden have such little trust in you? Have you had trust issues in the past?

My sister's husband did something similar recently. (Only they took in my nephew, not had a pregnancy.) It turns out he had been really unhappy for a while and the addition of my nephew didn't allow for him to cover his real feelings. He got really angry and just left. They are in counseling now, and will hopefully be fine. Is there a possibility his strong reaction is a a projection of his true feelings overall? Maybe, something in his life is really weighing on him and making him unhappy. This could be have just been the last straw. I'm not saying that's what is going on, but I guess it's a possibility. (Understand, I'm not saying him leaving you and your children is OK. It's wrong and immature.)

The only way you can find out what truly is going on, is to talk to him. Don't just accept indifference. Tell him, "I know you don't want to talk, but we have to. You have to tell me what's going on, and you can't avoid it." He NEEDS to tell you what's really at work.

I was thinking that there might be more going on. 1) could he be cheating? 2) does he have a friend who could have convinced him you were? 3) do you overall have trust issues? 4) do you have financial issues?

I have a friend who has a daughter after using 2 forms of birth control. Sometimes it happens. I believe her. She was just out of a divorce and not looking to have kids, especially with a guy she broke up with 2 weeks before she found out about the baby.

I think you need marital counseling to get to the bottom of this. He needs to man up and either split up or work on the marriage, but this business of one foot in and one foot out of the home is bad for your other children, not to mention you, too.

You seem so shocked and surprised by his reaction, so I can tell this is totally out of Character for him. Has he never acted like this? Really nothing like him, ever?

If so, I would say he has been and is in a lot of stress about something else. Could and probably is work and or money related. It has probably been something he has been trying to deal with on his own, because he did not want you to be concerned. Give him this benefit of the doubt.

When you think you can have a gentle conversation, just say something like, "I am so sorry you are upset. When you want to talk about what is really worrying you, please let me try to help you."

I also think that he does still owe you a heartfelt apology. He should never have spoken with you that way, but maybe once you know what he has going on, it will make more sense. This is what marriage is. Getting through these surprises.

Some people just can have a child and it is all fine. It amazes me. Some of the families I know talk all the time about not having money insurance... but they keep having kids. But when in our lives we live day to day within a few dollars of barely making it, it can be a very stressful life. So to find out today, I was pregnant, would really shake me to my core and scare me to death. How on earth could we possible afford another person? We could make it happen, but I bet I would be shaking for a month.

Congratulations on your new baby. I hope this all comes out well. Marriage is a give and take. Right now he is taking what could be a happy time from you. Give him some time and let him know you just want to help him.

One of my friends got pregnant with their fourth child after he had a vasectomy. (He never went back for the second test to make sure it had been effective.) He left her AFTER the baby was born. So, it was not an issue of believing she had been unfaithful with another man. (Fortunately, to remove doubt from everyone else, the boy is growing up to look like him.) He just became a complete cad and decided he didn't want that many children.

After a year or so of his stupid shenanigans, they got back together, and have stayed together for over 10 more years. But no one who knew him then can fully respect him. No one can know what goes on in a marriage, and his wife might have had some serious contributions to their split for all we know, but it was just plain selfishness for him to leave at that particular time.

My opinion on how to act with him is as a loving wife who wants her husband to come back home and finish being a father. There are two other children there who he presumably did plan to have. Don't do anything to hinder him from wanting to come back, and nothing that you might wonder later whether it would have made a difference, if he does not.

This doesn't excuse his actions, but he may be totally freaking out over the unexpected responsibility for another child, financially, time spread thinner among one more family member, the prospect of parenting longer, and who knows what else.

Look into whether anything might have interfered with the effectiveness of your birth control pills, like an antibiotic. There are warnings that come with these pills that there is a small percentage chance of getting pregnant, even when taken properly. Show him. You are now in that percentage.

Hopefully, his brother, friends, and other people will talk some sense into him.

leave him alone, let him deal with his own emotions. he was a part in it too as you mentioned. he needs to grow up. You tell him that you took your bcp like you were supposed to and they failed, that is all there is to it. He can either face up to his family or he can move on. period. don't let him treat you badly, it is not your fault. be happy for another little miracle.

Your signature says it all. And my reactions are just that - reactions from the top of my head (or the bottom of my gut).

I wonder if your husband has gotten this angry and walked out (or threatened to) about other issues in your marriage.

Have there been other occasions when he has said or implied, "Things had better please me or..."? Have there been other times when he has said, "You have betrayed me - you have cheated"?

In other words, maybe it isn't about the surprising new little life that has already happened. Maybe it's about a man who acts like a junior high school kid when he's upset.

I'd say some *immediate* counseling is in order. If he won't go, go by yourself. I can put up with anger and - for a while - indifference, but saying mean things because of a baby is over the line big time.

Oh my gosh, this is incredible. I'm so sorry! Does he not realize this isn't your fault? Maybe he needs to go and get a vasectomy. He can only blame himself as well.

I seriously think you two need to go to marriage counseling, this is really not a normal reaction, even to an unwanted pregnancy in a committed marital relationship.

If he didn't want anymore kids then maybe he should have considered getting snipped...

I hope you have sorted some of this out now a week or so later. I am really sorry you are in this position. You don't mention the bcp you were using but I have a friend who was not married and she and her child's father were not a couple and she says they used two forms of bcp and she STILL got pregnant and she did not want to be pregnant at all!! Now her daughter is 13 so obviously things worked out for her personally, but she was not like secretly wanting a baby or something so I know it truly can happen even for people who do everything perfect regarding bcp. I think your husband is going to have to come to accept that in a marriage where there is regular sex, children will ALWAYS be a possibility. Occasionally a vasectomy grows back together, a tubal fails, pills fail, condoms break, IUDs fail, you name it, it can happen. Sex makes babies, birds and bees 101. About the only fool proof things are no sex or a hysterectomy, that's it. He cannot lay all of this on you nor can he feel it is ok for him to leave you because he needs to "work" it out. Not cool at all, bigger issue than this child in my opinion. I mean it's one thing to be a bit cold or quiet at home it's another to walk out and last I checked it took a man and a woman to make a baby and he was more than happy to participate I am sure! So when he simmers down I do think this leaving business would be something to address, no woman needs to feel abandoned by her man, not good. I hope he will be willing to work on this and I pray that your family will become healed and whole again. Congrats on your baby, I know it's so hard now but this baby will bring so much joy down the road :D Hang in there!!

I'm sorry for what your going through. It can be overwhelming but I don't think he's reacting like that 100%. He thinks you planned and manipulated him... where is his trust in you? geez. How is he now as a father? Hope he doesn't take it out on the new baby. No offense, but he sounds immature. Freaking out or not, I've never seen any husband say mean things and be seriously mad at their SO and I've seen guys who seriously didn't want any/more kids. I would say take it day by day, but if he doesn't come around or is being mean about having another blessing in the world, why would you want him around? Kids come first :)
If it were me, I personally would not want someone like that in my life if they are being mean about another child. How inconsiderate he is being, stressing you out when your pregnant and not being there for you. I wasn't aware that in the vows it said only for better times. It isn't ideal for his not wanting kids, but he needs to get over it or stay gone.

I agree with reverend ruby, I'd go find a lawyer and plan some things, but that's just because I personally wouldn't want someone like that back.

UPDATE

You need to evaluate having him in the new baby's life. I'm just saying. With his strong negative reaction, I would wonder if he is going to take it out on the baby because he sounds kinda immature. This is something I could see my ex doing. Saying I manipulated him into another child and being all b*tchy about it.

Are you sure he's at his brothers?

@dana, no offense but that's pretty irresponsible to just not have a child b/c you weren't careful. I'm neutral on the whole abortion thing, but that's just irresponsible.

I have no suggestions for your situation. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope things work out for the best. Lots of hugs to you.

all i can say is i'm so sorry :(

I didn't read your other responses so I'll apologize if I'm repeating but I went through a similiar situation. I got pregnant with my son when we were going through a really rough time. We had kind of broken up because he was seeing someone else..when i told him I was pregnant, he even went to the point of saying it wasn't his..(even though I wasn't sleeping with anyone else)..I really think it was meant to be because he is now the proudest father and we are stronger than ever. I was on the pill and it failed so he was "our meant to be child" because it got us back together and we are happier than ever. I hope you guys will have the same outcome. He'll come around. I think some guys just don't deal well with that kind of "surprise"

I'm so sorry S.. The only thing I've gone through like it was when I really did mess up my birth control on purpose and my husband was mad. I ended up miscarrying and felt really guilty for doing what I did. In the end it worked out though because he finally realized how much I wanted another baby and he ended up letting me get pregnant again the next year. I just can't believe that was 12 years ago!

*HUGS!!!*

I don't have any advice that hasn't been Sao, but I wanted to share my support with you. Having three kids is wonderful and you're very blessed with this precious gift. Congratulations on your expected bundle and I'm sure Daddy will fall in love with him/her. Try not to stress too much. I hope and pray it clears up quickly!

Loni
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Does he think you tricked him or something? He realizes birth control isn't 100%, right? It's pretty clear that it's not...

I have a few friends this has happened to. But their husbands didn't get mad. My sister's husband got really, really mad. It took him a LONG time to get over it. I thought it was ridiculous. It was with their first child, too. I think he thought she tricked him. They were planning on having kids. Anyway, I don't really get it when people act like this. If he didn't want to have more children, maybe he could go get snipped?

I'm feeling very frustrated for you. What a really, really immature way to behave. Even if you HAD done it on purpose, it's HIS child still. If he wanted NO chance of having another baby, he should have done something more permanent.

FYI: I'm not saying it would have been just fine had you tricked him, just that even then, it's still his child and something to be excited about on SOME level...and I'm not suggesting I think you tricked him! His reaction just seems to make it seem that he thinks that.

Anyway, I don't know what to say. My sister's husband was really immature and took a while to get over it. But he's a grudge holder... I hope your hubby gets over it quickly. Oh...that would be hard to not be furious at him for!

I am going through something very similar right now...we already have 2 kids (almost 8 & 5 yrs old) and I just found out we are expecting #3. My husband has been dead set on having any more, but low and behold here we are. I just told my husband yesterday, and he also thinks I deceived him because I have wanted another one. Needless to say he is mad, and I am feeling very upset. I always "thought" I wanted another one, but now that it is reality, I'm not so sure that I want to start all over again. I also feel like I am taking something away from my other children...we won't get to travel and do all the things we have wanted to do with them.

I don't know what to say about how your husband is acting other than I think it's a shame. Your baby is not an accident. No baby is. God obviously wants you two to have another baby for one reason or another. Has your husband considered how you feel about this? Have you told him? He will probably come around and hopefully be embarresed and ashamed of himself for acting like a baby. It's not like you were trying to trap him..you already have him. Congratulations on your baby!

This seems extremely immature and convenient for him to avoid responsibility. Are you sure he's staying at the brother's place?

Hi S., I told my husband about this just to get a man's opinion and he was wondering if maybe your husband thinks you sabotaged the birth control or you forgot to take the pills and that's why he's saying you "betrayed" him. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense... just a thought. You should sit and talk with him at some point once he's had some time to think and chill out about this unexpected pregnancy. So sorry you have to go through this when you're pregnant :( best wishes...

something else is going on here. My husband did not want any more kids than our 2 boys. We were SURPRISED with baby #3 anyway. It took him a long time to come around on the idea, in fact the entire pregnancy he was really NOT thrilled. It even took him a month or so after she was born to admit that she was "growing on him". He's a great dad also, but the shock of it all just took a long time. However, never in this situation did he even come close to blaming me or taking off and leaving, or say I betrayed him. Like you said, it takes 2- you didn't get pregnant alone- so something else is going on here. I would recommend marital counseling pronto. You could use the guise that this would allow him and you to work through the emotions of betrayal, but in reality this is an opportunity for someone to get to the bottom of his extreme/irrational reaction.

Hi S.,

I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way! Maybe he is taking the time to cool off and then come back and discuss with you. What do you think he is so angry about? I don't see any betrayal on your end---your birth control failed---it happens. Its not your fault! Was he doing anything to prevent this pregnancy? Wearing a condom? Vasectomy failed? Why does this fall all on you. I haven't been in your shoes, but I just want to say that I am sorry he is treating you this way. I hope you have family/friends you can talk to about this. If not, call a pregnancy center and ask to speak with a counselor---they can help you with some of your feelings and if you are considering other options, they can talk to you about those as well. If you are planning on keeping the baby---I just want to say that every baby is a blessing and I wish you the best! Congrats and I hope that your hubby comes around....

M

You two should get some help sorting out your marriage. This isn't how a married couple deals with things. This is how 15 year olds who are dating deal with things. I got pregnant with #2 due to being very bad about taking the pill. Daughter #1 was 5 months old, I was forgetful about the pill, and would miss days and then take a few in a row...hubby and I were both a little bit "whoops" but knew it was our fault. (I told him I had been lax on the bcp and we did the deed anyways wo other protection. So no secrets there). We knew we wanted more kids, so it wasn't the same situation as yours but it was DEFINITELY earlier than planned.
In the end it worked out AMAZING for us.
I have a friend who had 3 girls, and then accidentally got pregnant again and was devastated. #4 was a boy, she was ecstatic. For her, it was meant to be.
Good luck S.. You have a child on the way - do your best to resolve this situation with your husband. If you did it on purpose, come clean and go forward.

S., I'm so sorry. I have not been in your situation, but I hope you don't mind if I share some thoughts with you. I think his being "indifferent" is cruel, and hurtful. And so not fair to you. He thinks you did this on purpose? I would ask that he hear you out on just ONE seven word sentence from the bottom of your heart. "I did not do this on purpose." Let that sink in with him for awhile. Give him his time and space for awhile. He is human, and he is in shock right now, but if he is truly the partner you deserve, he will come around. If not, there is something very wrong that he doesn't believe you. And doesn't trust you. Maybe he will agree to counseling if you suggest it. He does say he still loves you, hang in there. Tell him you're sorry his world has turned upside down, you want to talk about everything when he is ready. Good luck!