Husband Vs. Mama

Geez wiz, he can't make it another two weeks? Oh brother!

I hope HIS kids don't boot HIM when he is working hard to find a place/job, etc!

:)

Her apartment is ready at the end of the month, tell him to buy a straw and suck it up til then lol. I'm just kidding. but for real, she's moving out soon so can you talk with him to hold out til then? It's not THAT far away.

What would I do???.....Tell my husband to suck it up and deal with it! It's only 20 more days or so...this is your MOM we are talking about!

She really is moving into her own apartment at the end of the month, right?

Good Grief! Has your mom and your hubby always NOT got along?

Hopefully he will man up and not let this become a major issue for your marriage!

I could understand it if she didn't have a projected move-out date... but if it's at the end of this month, I think he should calm down. He is your husband, and deserves your respect... but she is your mother, and she deserves it too. Definitely a rock and a hard place. I think it's also important to find out WHY he wants her gone? Is it because of the burden of another person in the household, clashing personalities, is she doing something that annoys him....? Is it JUST becasue he is afraid she wants to stay with you indefinitely, even though she has an apartment lined up?

"my Husband and I decided that we would always accept and welcome her as long as she was healthy and a positive example to our children". Is she? If so, remind your husband of this agreement. And that she has an apartment and that it is for 14 days.

These are the things we do for family. Both help when needed, and set boundaries and timelines.

You have found her an apartment. Is there money down on the lease, first and last paid up? If so, she has no earthly reason to intrude or stay longer than agreed upon.

I wonder, though, what is happening currently that your husband wants her gone ASAP? You stated that you both decided, as a couple, to accept and welcome her as long as she was being healthy. So, what's changed? You state he's at his wits end, so what's causing so much upset. I feel like there's something in your post that's not present, but couldn't venture what it is that you didn't share.

Could it be that, in the one week's time you have been helping your mom, he feels like his 'life as normal' has been turned inside out? Is she emotionally needy and taking up a lot of 'space' in your relationship?

One way to buffer some of this would be to put mom's stuff in storage, off site (ie- not in your home), so this sends a clear message that you are not the place for her to land.

Does he feel that you don't have enough healthy boundaries that you would let the nightmare of having her using in your home come to pass?

Sorry I have mostly questions-- this is a tough one. Maybe you need to have a serious conversation to confirm your idea of the plan, as it stands, with your mom.

Speaking from someone who agreed to let my MIL live with us until she found a new place to live (she lived with us for about 6 weeks). I can certainly empathize with your husband as I didn't want to come home either while she was living here. He only has two weeks to go...tell him to suck it up.

The end of the month is Sooo close ... could he put her up in a hotel till then??

I certainly understand your husband's concerns. By why is he at "wits end" and threatening not to come home? Somethings missing?

What would I do? Tell hubby that he made an agreement and you expect him to honor it. Tell him to stop acting like a child and start acting like and adult and give you the support you need. It's only 2 weeks!!! In return, I would agree that if she starts with the pills, she's gone, and she will move at the end of the month, no excuses.

Geez! The end of the month is just 2 weeks away. Can't he deal for that long? If he's worrying about what happens after that, he's "borrowing" trouble. One day at a time. This is a big move/change for her. She needs the positive influence of her family.

Sounds like he's asking you to choose between helping your mother and him after he's already agreed to help her. That is not a fair choice and immature on his part. Perhaps it's time for some marriage counseling because it sounds like the two of you aren't on the "same page."

Based only on what you've written and my own personality, I'd call his threat and tell him, go ahead and not come home. This isn't a situation calling for such a choice.

You don't mention why your husband is at his wits end. What has your mother done? There is no mention of what she is doing that is against your agreement of accepting and welcoming her. If she isn't doing anything negative then your husband can stay at a hotel until her apt is ready. The comment, "He feels like she wants to live with US and willl turn to her addiction" is kind of vague and sounds like he is making an assumption and reneging on his prior agreement. W/o any relevant information, it is kind of hard to give you advice. Good luck though, I know you aren't happy with how things are going.

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My mom is a prescription pill junkie with numerous mental health diagnosis.. and I have had her in my home when her & step dad fight.. lasted 2 days & I threatened to lock her up for her craziness, she suddenly became very self reliant & up & left the house, all suitcases in tow (amazing! sarcasm..) She is out of my life now, sort of sad but necessary. There is ALWAYS somewhere else to go, a shelter, friend, support, whatever, shes a grown woman. Stand by your hubby...

although the entire story is not here I can relate- my mother ( as seen by older posts) is a source on contention in my life she stayed with us right before christmas and I thought my DH was going to go through the roof. Meet your husband out of the house somewhere talk to him about your mom- she is only here until her life is ready- beg him to hang in there, promise he comes first and if it starts to look like things are going south then you will take care of it.

I can understand his frustration; people who struggle with addiction are pretty frustrating (my mother being one of them) because you want to do everything to help them and you feel like they don't really care because they seem so self-absorbed, like they keep wanting to take from you and not give anything back. That being said, it sounds like your mom is actually being proactive in improving her life, and she actually has an apartment that she's going to be living in soon. If she didn't have this apartment lined up, then I could understand your husband being angry, but since she does have a place to stay, can he just hang in there for another two weeks? If it falls through, or she does go back to using, I could understand his anger....did something happen between the two of them that caused him to not want to come home? I would say you should have a rational talk with him and maybe come up with a plan of what to do if she does end up having to stay with you for much longer (example, what will you do if the apartment falls through?); and then ask him if he could hang in there for another couple of weeks. Good luck!

I would let my husband know that I respect his wishes and will do what I can to have her out as soon as possible without putting her literally on the street if possible. I would call all motels in the area and see what they would charge for an extended visit of 2 weeks, you would be surprised what kind of deal they will make especially if you negotiate the housekeeping to once a week and you just restock towels & soaps daily. trust me. now of course that costs money, but it may be he would prefer to pay $250-300 a week to have his home back. Just let him know the options that are on the table and that little ears and eyes are definately watching. Your mom should be okay with that arrangement even if it isn't fun for her, this is about her problems affecting your marriage and that just shouldn't occur and most people say he shouldn't put you in the position to choose, but it really is your mom who has and i don't think your mom should put you in that position. She is a grown woman and should take care of herself and if she can't then she has to suffer the consequences as bad as they are, but kids have to learn how to do this all the time. i know this isn't what you want to hear, sorry just my opinion, but when you get married, you leave your parents and become one with your spouse and no man should come between the two...Mom needs to go.

She has been there a week. and you have 2 more weeks and the apt will be ready?

I do not understand what has happened to freak your husband out so bad.

Is she helping around the house? Can you 2 start a garden so she is outside? Is she passed out in the living room?

I would just ask him to give her the time expected and then she will be gone.

I don't think we have nearly enough information in order to have any sort of valid advice for you. WHY is your husband so upset? What has been going on that has pushed him to the edge? I undestand the way you are feeling...she is afterall, your Mother...but your first allegiance now is to your husband and to your children. You need to sit down with your husband...talk this over calmly and see what kind of a compromise you can reach. You also need to talk to your Mother and explain that she needs to start looking for other arrangements for the next two weeks. There are some places that you could rent on a weekly basis...while she is waiting for her apt. to become available.
Good luck to you my dear...you are in a difficult situation

Talk about a rock and a hard place. Hard as it would be, I would listen to my husband. Not because I'm weak willed or don't respect my mother but because obviously your mother has worn out her welcome and it is time for her to move on. If this were not the case, your husband wouldn't be making such a huge demand of you or maybe I'm just reading way too much into this.

Mom should be able to spend a week or two with friends, if she doesn't have any friends there are always shelters or perhaps if she inquires into if her place could be ready early.

If there were no you, what would your mother do? Unless you plan on living with your mother, keep hubby happy. Barbaric maybe but necessary. I had to leave my mother and family behind. It made sense.

He probably just sees the stress you have taken on because of her situation and wants to protect you from that. Plus, you being stressed out and having your attention be toward you mom and her problems means that she is pulling you away from taking care of your own family. It's just for a couple of weeks, so tell him he only needs to put up with it until then.
Can you see if they can speed up getting the apartment ready for her? Keep up with her, preparing her to live on her own, and not letting her get comfortable in your home. Have you or your hubby seen signs that she intends to go back to her old lifestyle? If not, your hubby doesn't need to worry so much, and things can go back to normal as soon as she moves out. Until then, maybe he can work some overtime to stay out of the house when she's there if he really can't stand her.

My husband and mother aren't exactly best friends, but he is always civil at least, especially when she's in our home. As long as she is nice, I expect him to and vice versa. It's not even about her, it's about him loving and respecting me.

It's like two weeks till she can move into her own apartment, unless she's on drugs or being extremely rude etc, how can he be so immature as to threaten you unless you kick your mother out when she has no where to go???? She's leaving so very soon. He needs to be an adult, she's not living with you, she's staying until her apartment can be moved into.

Normally I believe spouses need to be put above other relatives, however this is his immature whims VS. your mother's temporary, physical needs.

I really hope you don't kick her out before she can move into her apartment, unless she's doing drugs.

If your husband agreed to help her and her apt will be ready at the end of this month, then you AND him are pretty much obligated to help her. Really, it's only a couple of more weeks, I'm sure he can handle it!!

No matter what... your Mom, cannot take over your life or your role as a Wife and Mom. To your family.
And, you cannot let your Mom, ruin your marriage or family.

talk to your Husband and see if he can wait 2 more weeks.
If he is this adamant about it... what happened and how is your Mom, making this situation too volatile? To the point your Husband does not want to come home? You did not say, why.

She can stay at maybe a local YWCA. Some of them have temporary shelters etc.
Or will your Husband pay for her to stay at a Motel????

Your Husband has tried.
Maybe he cannot try anymore.
It is affecting his mental well being.... to the point that he said he needs to leave.

And your Mom has a drug problem.

Decide, what will ruin your marriage and family.

Get the facts and evidence about the apartment move in day, talk to your husband about it. All three of you need to sit down to set reasonable ground rules and if they are not followed then it's out the door. Do door checks, check purse, pockets and all personal items on a routine basis. Routine drug tests wouldn't be a bad idea either, if failed then send her packing. Do not let her stay if she doesnt have an apt. lined up or refuses to leave on the move in day. You are doing her a favor and going out of your way and you need to let her know that when you sit down together. Don't feel bad to kick her out, she knows the rules and she's the guest so she needs to be respectful and act like it point blank.

I haven't read the other responses...but have you considered helping her stay in an extended stay hotel. Then it seem like it can make everyone happy...if that's not an option...hmmm. Do you have siblings? Does she have a friend?

My mom is not so different from your mom. She also has a prescription drup problem, however she has never sought help for it. So for us it's very simple she can't stay here. And she has TRIED!! You certainly can't kick her out on the street, however if there is another option for her you need to put your family (husband and kids) first. When this is over its him you have to come home to, sleep next to, share your life with. She will forgive you, and understand if you make sure not to place all the blame on him. Stay a united front with your husband.