DH and I met in my home state in the north when I worked as a teacher. He is latino and his family is in S. America. When our kids came along we decided it was a good time to travel for his career and for me to stay home. After a couple of international assignments, we ended up in FL. He lost 2 jobs in FL, and I felt this was the time to return home to the north, and pick up my career with 12 years invested into the state retirement, and be close to family. He agreed, and now after 2 years hates the winters, and not being able to speak Spanish or find others like him, and wants to return to FL. While in the north, he has found a stable good-paying job that will let him work anywhere. The problem is that I would be giving up my pension, and even my career (I taught Spanish. There isn't a market for non-native Spanish teachers in S. FL). I want him to be happy, but don't really want to give up my career and pension. However, to get a decent pension, we'd need to stay 18 years.
You guys have moved around a bit - now you need to stay put for awhile.
Everyone is hating winter this year but it won't be like this every year.
Save FL for retirement - you guys need the pension.
i'll be the oddball here. advance planning and retirement vision are very, very important. but never (to me) MORE important than the life you're leading now.
and for that, you can't hate where you live.
if he's a malcontent who will never be happy anywhere, that's different. but if he's a good guy who's truly just not happy in the north, i'd absolutely explore options in a part of the world where you can both love it.
i think the philosophy of 'grow where you're planted' is a great one. but i myself would have a hard time flourishing where it's cold and dark for a great part of the year.
if he has a great job that will go with him, and your job is certainly portable, all you'd be giving up is the pension. i don't mean to downplay that! it IS a big deal.
but not more so than day-to-day happiness, right?
khairete
S.
Can you set a solid timeline? For example, how many years do you have to work in NJ in order to be vested in your pension? Some places have a 20 years and out program, which, if you have 14 years in already, you only have 6 to go. And 6 years can go by FAST. And in the meantime, you could prioritize setting aside money to make multiple visits to FL in the winter, and one trip back home to his family without you in the winter.
It still won't be ideal for him, but it might help for him to know that the next trip to warm weather is always planned, so he has something to look forward to.
Also, I'm surprised he can't find anyone 'like him' in Philadelphia. It's a big city. I did a quick google search, and found some organizations that volunteer in latino communities in Philly. Maybe he needs to get out of the suburbs and involved in something like that in the city so he can meet people. No one likes to feel isolated.
What AV says. Do a real Pro/Con list. Brainstorm for solutions. He's feeling culturally isolated and that sucks. But it sounds like there were quite a few negatives in FL.
There is a Hispanic community in the Longwood Gardens, PA area, so there is community, but you may have to actively look for it. Perhaps look into the local Chamber of Commerce - they may know of resources for him.
Yeah, winter sucks sometimes. Maybe extended warm weather vacations during the height of winter would help.
Is there a middle ground until you retire? Would you be willing to return to FL for vacations and visiting his family (if they are there)? You say he hasn't found people like him - is there a nearby city that would suit him better re: culture but still give you the ability to work for the state? Maybe closer to NYC? I would sit down and brainstorm with him so it's not all or nothing. Take a look at the long-term pros and cons (like the pension) and see how you can make something work. I have a friend from FL who isn't entirely happy with winter, but short term has decided to stay so her husband can finish a degree and then they'll re-evaluate.
You moved around for him for years, now it is his turn to sacrifice. Marriage needs to be give and take. If it would improve everyones life to move that would be different, but it sounds like you would lose a ton by moving and he would be the only one to gain anything, even while losing his good job. I would have to put my foot down and say it is my turn now for a while.
We have moved twice now both due to my husband wanting to leave his current job and wanting to start a new, exciting job in a new place. Both times I did not really want to go. I gave up a lot. I gave up too much I think. I have some resentment towards my husband now, and I wish I could go back in time and say no. I gave up a great job in my field I was proud of. I also gave up a spot at an art gallery where sales were great. I gave up an amazing community of friends. I think you have too much to give up on to move. You have 12 years invested in your retirement. And you are near your family. I think your husband needs to work harder to make it work there. He needs to find a spanish speaking community. He needs to find things he loves about where he lives. You should save for a yearly vacation to visit his family or to visit the south. I also wanted my husband to be happy. I tried to think of the good about moving and I wanted him to have what he wants. But now I see he was being selfish. We have talked about it a lot and he regrets that he left that first job and even he now thinks we should have stayed there. I think a great goal for you two would be to start saving for a vacation home in Florida (or wherever). Our friends in Alaska did this...they bought it and then they started going there multiple times a year! Each time there they work on the house, get to know the neighbors, enjoy some beach and scuba diving. Now they are both near retirement and are planning to move there soon. They love it. This will give him a goal, a home away from home, and a fun retirement to plan.
It sounds like hubby does not want to really search for any local Latino people in the area. The eastern seaboard is fully of Spanish speaking folks.
You two need to sit down and really lay the cards on the table and work from there. Make lists of the pros and cons of why and why not move.
Come to a compromise. You have an opportunity for a retirement in your old age. Hubby may not be thinking that far ahead but it is always a good thing to do. How will you two make it when you do retire? Is he wanting to go back to SA to live? Need to get to know all the reasons and not just because of the weather. Has he had run ins with people at work that make him want to move?
I wish you luck with your decision.
Jersey this year is a bit more wintery than in the past. I recall this type of weather when I was a kid back there.
the other S.
Breakting these things down to small pieces is very important. I hope this helps.
1. There are plenty of Spanish communities in NJ. Find a group, organization, or social club you could become a member of and create community, friendships, and connections that would be filling that need in your husband but be prepared for this to take time. It takes time to find a good fit for friendships.
2. Moving to someplace warmer. It may be possible to buy back years of your pension or to transfer your pension. A friend of mine transferred her pension years to NJ from KS. You may want to look into doing that or at least seeing if that is possible. Beyond that you may also seriously consider NOT counting on the state pension especially with the Government all up in the pensions (helping themselves to our money with no plan on how to return what they have helped themselves to). You may want to get some other options for your retirement outside of the state pension system.
3. While your work teaching Spanish has been valuable it isn't and shouldn't be the only option for you. The skill of teaching translates into many various fields and walks of life. Perhaps getting certified to expand your teaching credentials so you could teach on a broader stroke instead of such a narrow one. I have a freind that teaches different degrees of special needs children and she had to get various certifications and masters degrees in teaching to do so. It has made her particularly marketable as a teacher.
4. If managable a few trips to warmer climates during the winter months would possibly be helpful for him. This should be something to consider on some of the long weekends that pop up during the winter months if applicable.
I hope some of the things I have said make sense to you. If your husband digs in his heels your desire to hold onto this pension could cost you your marriage. 18 years is a long time and lots of commitment. Perhaps talking with a financial planner would be helpful to show you some possibilities you haven't thought of and get you into a better positiion to be more flexible with moving to warmer climates.
Having the pension is a big deal. I think you both need to sit down and talk about what's going on. He feels alone and missing out on so much. I see his point but I love winter. I'd hate to live in Florida without snow and ice.
I'd like to say up front that I'd never live in Florida, I would hate fearing for my life in my own bedroom because sinks holes and I'd hate to be there when a hurricane was making landfall. So Florida isn't for me. Perhaps another state would be a better choice?
I would rather be in a state where there were definite seasons. I don't know what to do. I guess you could live in the north for the school year then go to Florida for summer...have a summer house. He could have 3 months of that Spanish culture and enjoyment but you can still keep your job and official residence.
