Husbands Family = My Worst Nightmare.

Here's a way out that I have used before: We are so sorry to miss Christmas but we can't have the kids around smoke.

That way, you are targeting an unsafe action they are taking; not their character.

My husband and I are in a similar situation with his family- different circumstances, but still dread the x-mas eve get together there. They recently did something to push my hubby over his tolerance level and we also got invited to x-mas eve somewhere else, lucky for me- he accepted!! So it was kind of his decision that i was not going to argue with!! I think its worth mentioning to him the possibility of skipping it this year and see how he reacts. If hes against it, then suck it up- but if he agrees, then yeah!!! good luck and happy holidays ;)

"What do you think he would say if I bring up the idea that we forego that visit this year?"

You won't find out by asking here. You say you have never told him of your disgust yet somehow you know he "feels the same" but it's "unspoken" and "silent." You and he have never even discussed this. At all. Do it now before another day passes. Are you on some level concerned that he will respond with "I actually do like them and if you don't want to go, I'm furious?" or at least, "I hate it too but we just have to go"? If you are so certain that he does feel the same -- why are you not just going straight to him and telling him your issues? Is there a larger issue of being worried that he will want to go, or at least feel obligated to go, or will be angry with you for asking?

Maybe first you should address why you are so reluctant to talk to him and why he's reluctant, apparently, to go beyond that "unspoken, silent understanding" and speak directly to you. Until you work out why you and he dont' communicate about this, you can't...communicate about this.

Wha...? Just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to subject your kids to that... or sit in their smoke. The tasing thing... I can't even address. It sounds like madness. You have every right to discuss the possibility of not seeing them. I'd be surprised if you husband objected.

Don't go. Don't feel bad or sad. Stay home and enjoy your family and/or his Mom.

I urge you to talk with your husband. You say he feels the same way. The two of you decide together whether or not you go to their house for dinner or even go at all.

Since you only see them twice a year, I suggest they may be as relieved as you are to not get together.

you have a right not to have poisonous people in your life. spend the holidays with those who are special to you.

OMG....when I read your post I could not help but laugh - this is like a bad sitcom. Dear you have more than enough reason to skip the holiday with the in laws!!!!! No explanation should be needed when you tell your husband that you would like to make other plans. Then just tell the family that you are sorry but you have made other plans this year. Husband doesn't have any grounds to lay on any guilt at all about going. If he insits send him on his own to represent the family and bring back stories from the dark side. :0) (Cause it is a good story for those of us that did not have to endure it)

You are his wife. You can ask him. If it worries you enough to post the question here, you should inform your husband. I wouldn't expose my kids to that, even if it was family. No child should have to watch someone get tased. If you live 5 miles away and you don't see each other except for Christmas, then it isn't very much of a family anyway. Your husband can visit without you and your kids. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

My inlaws are nothing like yours, very much the opposite. However, I had my issues with the way that they did things and it wasn't the way that I wanted to raise my kids. So one year, I had enough. I picked up my stuff and my kids and told hubby I was leaving and he could come with me or not. We discussed the situation and I explained why I didn't want to follow his family's traditions. He agreed. We go to his parent's house every year, but we don't stay there all day.

I would explain to hubby that you are really dreading going and do not want to spend you holiday with these people and that they are not a good influence on your children. See if you can reach a compromise, maybe you can just go visit for an hour and not stay for dinner.

Oh dear God... um... before you made it to the last paragraph I was thinking, "Please tell me that they're not spending any more time EVER with the father's side of the family." I'm normally one to suggest putting differences aside for the holidays but that's not a family. That's a toxic series of traumas waiting to happen that's far worse than just personality conflicts and differences of opinion.

Spend time with the family that will not traumatize you, your husband, and your children. I honestly, truly wouldn't associate with them at all and I don't say that lightly.

I would just talk to him about it, because I would be really surprised if he didn't feel the same way. Personally, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them ever again. That's just insane.

Maybe he is just waiting for you to say it. Maybe he can't say it himself.

Please get the courage up to try. Ask him if he wants to continue to go. After the taser incident, you are so freaked that you just don't know how you can walk in that house again. He may be so relieved.

If he says he needs to because they are family, then go with him.

Dawn

Wow - scarey first and second, who wants to spend Christmas with that....that being said, it's hard to say we won't stop by...any chance you can tell them you are just swamped that day and will swing by the following day...just to visit the dad? At least you are able to show him you still care but you don't have to deal with the craziness.... Good luck - and it sounds like your husband will be supportive so just talk it out. Main thing is to make sure your kids are safe and a hot headed cop carrying loaded guns does NOT sound safe to me.

Oh dear. I would fake a fever, lick the sidewalk, break my own arm - wow, anything to not go! Before licking the sidewalk or breaking my own arm, I'd have a heart to heart with honey. Suggest y'all take his parents out to dinner somewhere as a 'gift' and being a public place, perhaps things won't be so bad. In your heart-to-heart, tell your husband that you have an acual FEAR that you or your child or your husband is going to be hurt.

Who are you to ask him?? You're his WIFE!!! There is no way in hell I would subject my kids to that insanity! They sound crazy, and dangerous! What if that guy eventually thinks it's funny to tase one of YOUR kids!? And to be around all that smoke? NO WAY!!!

I'd simply tell your husband that while you understand if wants to go, you are not subjecting your kids to that anymore! What kind of example is that setting for the kids too? Put your foot down. It's your job as parents to shield them from that kind of garbage. Even if they are "family"

Suggest it, based on how bad it makes him feel. You can still send cards. Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to spend time with people that f-d up. They are not safe. Spend time with the people that make you feel good. You can visit his parents on non-holidays when the crazy factor is lower.

Been there and done that with my own mother and stepfather. Rarely give it a thought with sadness usually it's with confidence that I made the right decision. It was something that I had to do on my own with talking it out with my husband. It’s with his love and support that it was the best decision. There have been family sad occasions such as death in the immediate family and happy ones as weddings & births that have brought us together. But boundaries were put into place for such events. Plus what worked so well are my siblings and aunts and uncles all supported and respected me for my choices. Best of Luck. K.

His family sounds pretty hilarious and an interesting learning experience for your kids. Do you only see them this ONE time a year? How bad can it be? It sounds pretty comical from your description. Kids need to be exposed so they can make fair decisions about their own lives. Spit cups or not, this is your husbands family. Don't make your husband choose between you and his family, especially if you only see them rarely. The more you know about them, the more you will know about the man that you are spending the rest of your life with. Let him make the call on the visits.. but be open minded so he doesnt have to feel embarassed of his own family.

Don't go! Don't go! Don't go!

Start not going this year. Talk to your husband in a calm, non accusatory way, and say you can't go anymore, not that you can't go this year. Say maybe you can figure out something later on to see anyone you want to see separately another time, but right now, let's just decide not to go to these Christmas gatherings anymore.

Then later on decide the details. Just get out of this annual Christmas thing first.

If it comes to it, maybe he should just go himself for an hour if he can't not go at all. But I bet you both will feel better once you make the hard decision not to go anymore and then just forget it.

At first, I was going to say you can probably just go and grin and bear it, maybe you are just getting too annoyed. But then, holy cow I got to the tazering and woah. I probably would report tht idiot of an 'officer' at that time.

I would talk to your husband about it. If you go, I would keep it to dinner time and leave promptly afterwards... before the chew spitting begins. I feel sorry for the kids in that family, poor things.

No, dear, you are NOT a snob. You are trying to be yourself and live according to the values that you believe to be important. It is obvious this side of the family does not share those values. There is an obligation to protect, nurture and establish boundaries of responsible and what most would deem acceptable behavior for your children. I would refuse to go or allow my children to go into that hell hole again. As an olive branch to my husband I would offer to meet the family in a restaurant for a couple of hours - what with the demands of the holiday season, that's all we can spare. (You said they do not make the effort to see your family and live only 5 miles away.) Bet they won't do it. Problem solved.
And, maybe the most important aspect of this dilemma; I would quietly engage my husband in a discussion about how he feels about this whole situation. I understand the embarrassment for him, I also understand that regardless of age, we all want to have a good relationship with our parents. I agree with the observation that some writers had about the estranged relationship, (what relationship?). Sounds like he really isn't much of a father to his son or a grandfather to your children. Not great role models for children either. One last thing. Be strong- be kind- but be strong. You are right to not want to expose your family to that dangerous, unhealthy, despicable environment.

I f you have to do something with them do it on your turf not on theirs. Invite the FIL over with his immediate family only. Hopefully he will decline or respect your family and home. I would not subject my kids to that. I do not think you are a snob. You are a caring and nurturing mother.

It is time for you and your husband to discuss the negative effects this visit is probably having on your impressionable children, and just what is appropriate to expose them to......you, as parents have every right to determine what you will and will not let your children see and hear.
If your observations are accurate, I would have stopped visiting already.....