Husbands Family Weirdo Freaks

Oh my gosh, I thought this question was about my in-laws! They are hundreds of miles away, but never call or write or visit to have a relationship with their grandchildren. When the kids were small, I was very upset with them!! The I come to find out while talking to my sister - in -law (who lives 40 minutes from them) that MIL and FIL don't go over to visit them or accept Sunday dinner invites, either. They don't travel or go over to friends' homes or anything. (At this point, I don't think they have friends.)

My in laws are anti-social and there is nothing I can do to change them. I can only change myself or my reactions to their behaviors. It is very sad....last year in Biology class, one of the kids had to draw a family tree. He drew my side of the family and his cousins, aunts and uncles on the other side. Never drew in other set of grandparents. In my children's eyes, they have one set & that's my parents. Very sad.....but these are the choices they have made.

I can do my absolute best to NEVER be that way and to teach my children the value of relationships!!!

Sounds like you should just leave it like it is. If they decide to come around to you guys then so be it but I am betting that they are happy just the way they are and do not see anything wrong with it. You can make the change with your family by raising them to grow up healthy in both mind and spirit. Good thing your husband didn't end up like them. Good luck!

Hi B.,

It's natural to want to bring your families of origin together when you are building your own, and it also sounds to me like you have done what you can to bring your husband's family into your lives. From here I would lower my expectations considerably: you have given it your best.

My own husband suggested this tactic and it works. If you expect nothing and get nothing then you are not disappointed! I had to do this with a brother after being continually disappointed by him. I know it's not easy because we try to be inclusive of our families as well but fortunately he's several hundred miles away.

Also, my observation is that these kinds of people have a tendency to bear grudges and drive neighbors, friends and other family members away, too. It's a negativity that I find depressing.

However, I also recommend that you maintain enough contact to that you have no regrets about the way you handle this, which should be clean and clear. Go ahead and send cards and photos so you know you are keeping them informed. One day when your own grown children ask questions about them you can honestly say that you did your best to know and include them in your family.

Also, bottom line about the international adoption and traveling with them, I think this is a blessing in disguise that they refused to travel with your husband. Although you are both disappointed, this is a very exciting and happy time for you all and my suspicion is that these people would put a damper on the joy you, your husband and new baby deserve.

Congratulations on adding to your young family. Be thankful you have some space from these depressing people and enjoy every moment with your husband. The best way to overcome a sad family legacy os to build a happy, kind and joyful family of your own. All that said, it never hurts to pray for a change in attitude; God can work miracles!

We deal with the same thing- you could be describing my hubby's family, and we only live 5 miles from them!

Hubby & I have been together for over 11 years and hubby's just now getting it that they just don't seem to care about us or what we do- and we have the only grandkids!

Like the other moms said, all you can do is be courteous and update them as you go, but don't let it drive you crazy. There's nothing you can do to change them- they are who they are.

They could just be socially awkward. Period. Maybe even have something like Asperger's and don't even know it. My husband's family is a little this way and it is very annoying to me. It's hard to remember that they are different from my family. We are very friendly and they are the complete opposite. I have always gotten the feeling that they don't like me (all boyfriends parents have always liked me so I find it unbelievable that I married the man who's family is so different than most). Anyway, it is what it is and I no longer try to improve the relationship. It's pointless. I feel sad for you and your children that you won't have "that" relationship but I completely understand. Look on the bright side, they are 4 states away and you don't have to deal with them often.

Honey, I can't answer why people would be so cold either, but my mother is the frostbite queen. I asked her to go with me to pick up my adopted son from Bulgaria and she said outright, "No, I don't like to travel." As if this was about taking a trip for fun and all about her.

You cannot change someone else. I've learned this the hard way. Just make sure your home is a loving home where people can openly express their feelings, so your children don't grow up "Stepford." Your children will wonder why their Grandparents and Aunt are different. My son comments about why everyone else gets the good grandmas. I just remind him of all the people that love him in a "good" way and that grandma is just different and loves him differently.

I feel bad that families are like this, but you have to go in and decide it won't be like this with your children.

S.

PS would love to hear more about your adoption adventure. If you want you can share via private message.

Let it go and be glad your husband got out you let him worry about his parents and you worry about yours you can't put your expectation of feelings on someone else good luck and congrats on the new baby

it's unclear as to why all of a sudden you guys decided to ask them to come on a trip with you, when the contact with them has been limited at best. your gut feeling may be right, and if you're right, it's best if you guys don't try to have much contact with them
there are people not in touch with emotions, and raise their children to be like that. they don't know any different, and if they do, they choose not to be emotional or touchy feely or involved. if i were you, i'd be happy they live away. if i were you, i wouldn't expect them to take part in ongoings things you have with your child (children). i say leave it like that. the comment about your husband showing same attitude as your inlaws is something i tend to agree but there is a chance of change. my husband didn't grow up with hugs and kisses (not plentiful), and no i love yous. he says he learned to express that when we got married. (not i can't get him to stop saying it :)
you have shown your husband a different world, and so far he seems comfortable in it. let him be and you guys grow together. if you choose to invite the stepfordy part of your family then that will cause problems. they will not change, you will get aggrevated and nothing good can come out of it
good luck with your adoption

You know, you can't change people, so just follow your husband's lead. Maybe it's good that you live far away...

Well I understand about how you describe them and their "Stepfordy" ways of behaving. I've known people like that. And... they will never ever really "get" what is wrong with them or understand they are emotionally incapable.

Next, your Husband is one of them, and seems to act like them too. He does not seem real "real" with you either nor display his feelings/emotions, nor does he understand where you are coming from. He himself, is detached.

So, this Matrix they live in, and your parallel universe, will never really match up or converge. So you can co-exist... but NOT "expect" anything from them..... or you will be continually frustrated and not validated and not satisfied nor fulfilled.

All the best,
Susan

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Well, they might just be weird. But. I wouldn't want to go to another country, spend money on expensive tickets and accommodation or intrude on the pick up of a new baby/child with any of my family. And I really like all of them. I don't think that it's necessarily cold or detached (from the way you describe it), I think its taking into account the way they feel. They DON'T feel close enough to the two of you to participate in something like this. It would be much more appropriate to invite them to visit you when you get home and settled. Every family is different. We all deal with each other in different ways. Maybe they are just socially awkward. Maybe saying they haven't the desire to visit a 3rd world country is a nice way (to them) of saying,"I don't know you well enough" or even "I don't want to travel to a 3rd world country".
Don't take it personally. My family lives several states away and while they love to see us when we are there, no one goes out of their way to be "close". It's just the way they are. Not everyone was raised like you. Not everyone has the same expectations of family relationships.
What do you do? You express yourself the way you would like to be treated, but don't take it personally if they can't, don't know how or don't want to do the same.
Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh. I'm not. I just grew up in a not very "close" family and understand where they might be coming from.
Good luck to you with your adoption.

The expense of traveling internationally as well as the time may be another reason they said no. Having not made much effort to see your biological son, it makes sense they would say no to this.

I love my sis to death, but we wouldn't be able to travel if they were doing traveling internationally to pick up an adopted child and our answer would also be no. I would also feel a little awkward going with her family to do this, not wanting to take away from their special family bonding time.

Actually, my little brother is adopted from Korea and when my parents picked him up, only they went, not even us children went due to the expense and not wanting to expose the baby to too much stress.

I'm pretty sure your husband didn't respond too strongly when they said no, because his expectations aren't high enough of them to get his hopes up that they would come. I know plenty of families that are very, very closed off emotionally. It's hard for us who have grown up differently to understand, but it doesn't automatically make them bad people.

Also, I have to say, for a family that lives in a different state, seeing your 19 month old 2 times isn't that different. My grandparents live out of state and have only seen our 4 year old two times. Neither one of us gets the opportunity to visit the other. And my other family is only an hour away and we only see each other about 1 time a month.

I would just brush it aside, and call them and send them pictures every few months. Perhaps try to rebuild those bridges and make a heartfelt effort without expecting too much in return, you may be surprised one day when they reciprocate. They are still family, though socially awkward and they probably still love you and your child, but have a difficult time showing it, it sounds like they have a difficult time showing it to each other as well.

Sorry you are going through this!! However, family that is aloof and awkward is better than a family that is always hanging around screaming at you and being manipulating :)

Let them be. They have their own thing (whatever it is) going on. You are married with children. Your happiness is to them. Thinking about why your in-laws are bizarre is no concern of yours. Unfortunately, There are many people like that. You are placing a senseless, self-inflicted burden on yourself. God bless

I feel for you! I am in some what the same position as you are with the husband's side. My Inlaws live not even 5 inutes away (about 4 miles if that) from our home, and they dont even want anything to do with their grandchild that their son and me have. All I can tell you is just be yourself, and keep doing what you are doing. They will never change. Just teach your little ones what you feel should be happening so it doesnt continue with your children. :)

"Hugs"

Speaking from experience, it sounds as if the sister might have Autism and perhaps the rest of the family is also on the autism spectrum. People who are on the autism spectrum are very uncomfortable with new people and new situations. It tends to run in families, so your husband might also be on the spectrum. Children tend to show the condition around age 2. The only solution is to spend time with his family so they can get to know you and get comfortable with you. Autism Spectrum Disorders are on a spectrum, so one person can show more severe symptoms than another. Pray for patience. And maybe in order for you to develop a closer relationship with them you need to be willing to change a bit to accommodate their needs.

You didn't mention your family. Do you have parents or siblings?

Regarding your husbands family, I would advise you to move on. There is a reason your husband expressed his relief when they said they didn't want to participate . He's lived this way his enitre life and he's done. He has experienced bouts of grief over the loss of his family for years and you need to let him move on. I know you want your children to be loved and needed by your in-laws but I think you need to step back and take a real look. Your husband isn't loved and needed by your in-laws and I hate to say it, but your children never will be, either. Do you really WANT your children to be around this family? I don't think it is a healthy environment and I wouldn't recommend pushing for something that will never be.

I agree with the mom that suggested Asperger's. As I was reading your post, the first thing that popped into my head was autism spectum. That would certainly explain a lot. My dad's family shows similar signs.

There really is nothing that you can do about them. They will never change, and it's not worth getting upset over. Trust me, you would NOT have wanted them on that trip. Give them the opportunities to get to know you children, but don't be surprised when they are aloof towards the kids.

Good luck. It's not an easy situation. Try not to take it out on your husband. Sounds like he managed to escape whatever issues his family is touched with.

If they don't want anything to do with your family, then I say let them be. Your husband is probably right, in that they would probably bother you if they had come along on your trip. While it is never easy (my husband's parents are also a little aloof at times), I figure that in the end, they will be the ones who have missed out on their grandchild's life. They will need to deal with it, and you can know that you did all that you could to try and involve them. Good luck!

I have a family very close to the same. They live their own lives and the only time I hear anything from them is when I call. I do this because of my husband. There have been times that I did not even tell him that I called them..
They have a good visit on the phone and I do not hear from them again till I call again. (My money) This has gone on now for over 30 years. However when my husband died they were here.. Doing anything and everything that needed to be done. They are not like my family, my family is the huggy, kissy kind and that is what I grew up with. My husband grew to think of my family as his, and even enjoyed going to my class reunions,
The adoption of a child may or may not change their minds, but I would not worry about that they have shown them selves already, keep your children happy and loving and you will have happy and healthy family. (I have a wonderful adopted grand-daughter) and she now has us trained. haha

GIve it up. THere's nothing you can do. Leave the door open for them to make the next move. You have done all you can to include them into your life and they have repeatedly turned you down. Its time to get the message. DH is indifferent because family is not as important to him as it is to you.

Don't deal with them. Be cordial and respectful, send cards at Christmas or email or whatever they use to update when you are able to adopt your new angel and maybe update them each year on your first- say on his birthday his developmental accomplishments but beyond that- nothing. Do not volunteer to take your children to them and don't make a big deal out of it. It sounds to me that your husband has already to this point and just asked them out of politeness. It is sad but it is reality for you guys at this point. It is not uncommon however- Make you focus your immediate family - your husband, you, your 19 mos old, and your newest addition. Create memories, hug each other everyday lots of times, live, laugh, and love!

Others have said move on. I think that's the best advice. Get on with your life. It's painful, but they are not going to change to become the people you want them to be. In order to have no regrets, I would make sure that they understand that you are willing to have a more positive relationship with them if they ever desire it. That way your children will see that you are not the one keeping them away from their grandparents.

As for the adoption, if they express any reservation, definitely don't pressure them to go with your husband. I have adopted internationally twice. The trip is not a vacation. Anyone who goes with has to understand that sightseeing is not the point of the trip. That's only done IF there is time. Parent-child bonding is very important and friends/extended family need to be willing to help in any way possible, and be EXTREMELY low maintenance. I was hoping to have my mom on our last trip so she could help with our 5-year-old while we bonded with our new son, but she couldn't come because of the timing. My mother-in-law knew we had asked my mom, but never expressed any interest in going, and I think it's because she knew that she's relatively high-maintenance, and her wants/needs just can't be met by the group on the trip. So, if your in-laws aren't totally excited to go with him (because they want to aid in your husband's bonding process), then just drop it. You'll regret having them go.