Husbands Step-mom Planning His B-day Dinner

soooo....don't see there's a problem - let her do her thing and then you can do what you had planned when they're gone!!! Great that she wanted to do something special - let her. You can't change what she did, only how YOU respond to it. Sure, she should have said something - maybe she didn't since it'll be YOUR birthday too!!! Suprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you have your hands busy with work, and 2 kids. Enjoy the celebration that someone else is having for you/your husband. Think of it this way....you will have less, if any, cleaning up to do!!!

Peace,
E.

Well, if you haven't heard it from her and don't want to do the celebration she has planned, go ahead and plan you own. When she finally gets around to telling you, you can say, sorry, I already had something planned. Or, if you were planning to invite them to something, call them up and invite them like you never heard she had something going on. My opinion is if you haven't heard it from her, disregard it until she says something.

Hi M.,

How did you find out? It sounds like the info did not come from her. I would casually ask her about it directly and clear the air before you make judgements. Until then you can only assume that you are getting upset over a rumor. Sometimes people have good intentions and they end up stepping on toes. Should we judge them by the loving intention or the unwitting toe-stepping?

I know nothing about your relationship with her in general and there might be stuff I'm missing here, but based only on what you've written I would say let it go. If you can't make her party or whatever, just say sorry you can't make it and she will learn to include you in the planning.

I am sure that some day when my kids are grown and married I will unwittingly upset my daughter/ son in law. I hope that they forgive me, so I try to be forgiving, too. Sometimes I have to remember that I'm not the only person who loves my family.

You've gotten great advice so far. There is nothing wrong with multiple celebrations. Go ahead and celebrate with his mom as planned, then graciously accept whatever his step mom and dad are offering. Always err on the positive side when questioning other people's motives.

Ok, you're a little offended... My advice: Let it go. Be gracious and accept the help. Its one less thing you have to do. Her planning and throwing the party doesn't diminish how much your husband knows you love him. However it will allow her to get emotional validation that she is part of the inner circle of his family too.

Seriously, this perceived insult is only as big as you allow it to be. Let it be water off a duck's back... Let her give him (and you) the gift of her efforts and enjoy the party.

Hi Mellisa,
I'm sure your bothered that she didn't call to see if you guys had any plans.Some people can be inconsiderit. If you allready had plans for your husbands b-day just call her and gracfully let her know.If not call her anyway and let her know you heard she was planning a dinner party and if there is anything you can help with. just let her make her plans and let your husband enjoy his day w/his family and friends. When its your birthday you make it your day and enjoy yours how ever you would like.
Happy Birthday to all of you!!!!!

Let her do it,less worry and work for you sit back and enjoy. Then have a private one later with your children and yourself. Two for your kids and two for your husband and easy for the nerves for you. However let her know that you need to be told next time ahead of time because you might have wanted to do something with some of the people in neighbor hood or work also. Do this after the party.

Deal with it immediately. She may have thought she was doing you a favor because you have so much on your plate. Tell her that you appreciate her planning it, but you do have ideas of your own and would like to work together, not have something shoved at you.

How did you find out about it and is she going to be in attendance? Just call and tell her that you three will be celebrating birthdays while they are gone on vacation, that you are sorry they won't be here. If she then mentions that she has planned the dinner, just say you're sorry that she didn't consult you because you have already made other plans and that you do hope that she hasn't already spent money on her dinner. Does she usually do things like this? Maybe this is just her way of being a part of the celebration since they won't be here. and as for not consulting with you, maaybe she wanted it to be a surprise. Give her the benefit of the doubt....unless she is always a "run it all". If that's the case, just say "Thanks, but no thanks. You have a happy vacation and we'll have a happy birthday".

call her up and talk to her about the plans. how you can join them together. or simply tell her that you wanted to plan his birthday and werent really prepaired to let some one else plan it. i know its rude for her to plan something but standing on the outside wouldnt it be nice to get together on this and plan something together or let her do it. it remindes me of pick your battles. This is so much EAISER SAID THAN DONE. and i probably cant eat what i just dished. hope you all have a happy birthday.

I don't think this was done to spite you. Sounds like step-mom's trying to get one up on mom or just show off for her behalf. If you had plans, make a phone call to the step-mom explaining what you had planned and maybe you can come to a compromise without putting your husband in the middle of an awkward situation.

Thank her for what she is doing, and then let her know you will need to add some more ppl to the guest list. Invite your friends and his mother's as well. If she's already planning the party, why change anything. Just make sure that your and his mother can enjoy the party too. I think it would be fun. All of his friends, your friends, and his mother's friends. It would give all three of you to cross mingle friends.

I would plan one for him for the week before and send out your invites asap. HAHAHA. What she did is just rude and inconsiderate I would be so irate.

A.

That would bother me too. Is it worth the argument and the hurt you will give to her about bringing it up? (Some things are.) What will matter and be remembered painfully 5 years from now. You will probably get over this, not like the memory, but not be upset about it. But, if you confront her, she will possibly take things way out of proportion than you meant and no explanation will take that initial pain away. She will remember that with much pain years after and it will affect your relationship in ways that will seem silly and unnecessary, but real. She may have honest and sincerely considerate reasons for keeping this from you (I don't know her, so I don't know). Or she may be out to get you. You have to make that call. My advice would be that if you don't know for sure, you must give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't think evil of her when no proof is given. As hard as that is. Love would think no evil of her or her husband. But, if it is a legitimate concern of yours, and that it will be repeated in the future, then calmly (without accusing her of anything) let her know you would like to be a part of the planning of any party given for your dearl beloved husband. You don't want to be left out of it at all. (By the way, I'm in the same boat right now with my MIL and I'm having the same debate in my mind. My pride wants to say something, but my conscience is telling me to let it go.)

Okay...So the Dad and his wife are going on vacation during this occasion as it is. Perhaps she wasn't trying to plan something INSTEAD of what you, your husband, and his mom are planning for a celebration, but in ADDITION to. She may be seeing it as a way to celebrate with you before they go so that her husband (his dad can be involved as well knowing full well you all will do something fun and enjoyable while they are on vacation.

If you look at in this light she doesn't come out so bad. Contact her and say hey, would you like some help, maybe I can work with to do something instead of you doing everything by yourself...With all she has to do getting ready for the vacation she may appreciate the offer.

Unless she says something to the effect that shows she was trying to take this special event away from you, I would look at it as her way of finding a way to have her and her husband enjoy in this prior to leaving on their vacation (maybe so your husband doesn't think they forgot or thought nothing of him)...

Good Luck... ;-)

You can always do hers as a family get together and a second with friends......

So what's your question? How did you find out? Did she bring it up or did you stumble upon the information?

If you've stumbled upon the info, continue with your plans until she says something to you. Then, either include her in your plans (if there's room) or tell her that you've already got plans...maybe she can bring it up sooner next year. I guess this depends on your personality and your relationship with her. I could do it because people who know me expect me gently shoot straight. They know exactly what they're getting with me.

Quite frankly, it's unreasonable for her to expect you to adjust your plans at this late date. Maybe she's dealing with some feelings of being left out since the ex- will be there (no matter how well they get along). Maybe she assumes that she has automatic rights since you two (you and hubby) haven't stressed that you want to be alone. Either way, that's her issue, not yours. She's responsible for her own feelings and for what and how she communicates.

Be gentle, but people should understand that your birthday is YOUR annual time to spend how you want. What you want might change from year to year, but this time you're already clear about what you want.

If she is interested in having you guys over for dinner as a little token of her love, let her do it, but don't give in to a party if you're not up to it.

I didn't read all the other posts, so this may have been said. But maybe she is planning something for ALL of you. You said that your husband, his mom, and you would be celebrating your birthdays. So maybe she is trying to plan a surprise that will involve all of your birthdays. It could be a kind gesture. Maybe not. But I just wanted to throw that out there!

C.

I would just go along with it, it's not that big of a deal, call her and ask her if she needs any help with planning and mention that for future events you would like some advance notice since her plans directly affect yours.

I would (as lovingly as you can muster) tell her that it is really sweet that she is willing to plan a party for your husband, but in the future, to please check with you before she makes plans for your family. Maybe explain that you would hate to have a conflict that would disappoint her and that is the best way to avoid it...good luck! and by the way WOW, makes me so glad to have limited family.