I Admitted My 11 Yr. Old Son into a Behavioral Hospital Last week......LOL!

Hi, I'm sorry I can't help you from the mothering point of view on this but I can help you with your son's point of view. You see I was the child that did the drugs and chose to live on the streets, the child that cut my arms and acted out, so I can help you by letting you know that being put into the institution was the best thing my mother did for me. Now although it didn't work right away and when I got out I went back to doing drugs, it did set the stepping blocks for me to quit. Without those 30 days I don't think I ever would have quit. And I believe that if I would’ve spent 90 days in there I probably would’ve stopped right away. The time I spent in there really helped me to understand why I did the things I did and it also helped me to love myself. Which was really important because, although it doesn't look like it, he's acting out not because he's mad at you but because he doesn't like himself. And that’s not something that you by yourself can fix for him. He needs more than that, he needs himself and that’s what he’ll get in there. So although you’ll feel awful and second guess yourself a million times it’s really for the better.
But on that note don’t let him go out of state. Where he goes is where he will build his support system and so by letting him build one out of state then when he comes home his support system will be gone. That and you need to pick a place that has a family day because you also need to be part of that support. It might be hard but you should wait for an opening in a place somewhere near you. He’ll make friends in there that are also getting help and he’ll need to be able to keep some of those friends or else he’ll go back to the old ones which apparently don’t help much.

The other thing is don’t let anyone tell you that living how you live is a bad thing. There was a time when kids didn’t all get there own bedrooms and not everybody had a t.v. and a whole family shared one car, and grandparents lived with the family. And everybody turned out okay. It’s nothing to do with that, if anything having that much family is a good thing. If he’s acting out about anything in his home life it’s the fact that you’re sick and he’s afraid of that. So don’t let anyone tell you’re a bad mom because I’m sure there is a reason for everything you do. Good luck and if you have anymore questions don’tbe afraid to contact me. Good luck.

To respond to this, a person needs to know what your son was doing so bad that you needed to send him to a hospital? I do know it gets really tough and there are some cases that this might have been the best thing. But you also said that you live in a condo 1 1/2 bedrooms with lots of people which could be another big problem with a pre-teen, your health problems, and living with parents. This is all a mixture for a young boy to act out. If he asked you to come up, you haven't lost him. But did you do other consoling before this? With the total family? Seems kind harsh at 11.

As hard as it'll be, if you think it'll help him to stay in that setting, then you need to make sure he stays in it. Regardless of where he goes. I know that's really hard. The father of my children was in a mental hospital for 2 months and during the second month, they were going to let him out because they needed the room for someone new and he could transfer to another facility or go home. We agreed that he wasn't stable enough to come home yet. It can be realllllly hard, but if you think he needs to stay there, then you need to make sure he's in that environment unitl he gets better. Best of luck to you and your family *HUGS*
Beka

Hi, I'd just like to recommend asking the local hospital about programs in your area. Any programs at all, free of charge, or on a sliding scale. I don't know what Anchorage is like, but here in Wa, we have some state sponsored programs which operate on a sliding scale for people with low income/disability.
So, I'm guessing there is something available up there, you just may need to call around, poke around to find it.
Best of luck to you, I guess it's normal to feel guilty, but whatever caused you to decide to put him in the hospital can't have been a little squabble. If he gets the help he needs to learn how to communicate his needs to you, then it was worth it. I'm sure you made this difficult choice out of love, and it may take some years before he fully understands this whole mess of emotion and I really hope you are going to get further counseling for yourself, as well as your son.
Someone to help you through the doubts, and to help you get stronger to keep new policies and boundaries in place.
Take care, and good luck.

Our job as parents kind of sucks, doesn't it. Right now, you need to make sure he gets the help he needs. Letting him out of it would cause more turoil than following through.
I was sent away for help when I was young, and for the first few months, I hated my mom, which I know was hard on her, but she didn't give up on me.
I understand why she did it, and it made me a better person, saved my life, and as an adult, it has made a huge difference. I thank her all the time for saving me.
Once your child reaches adolescence, you can no longer be the friend. Think about it this way, would you rather have him keep at the way he's going, not deal with his issues, and not learn the tools to being a better son, husband, friend, worker, and father, so he can like you, or would you rather sacrafice your friendship to save him so he can be all of those things.
Trust me, one day he will thank you, but right now he will hate you. Right now, it's not at all about you, it's about him, and getting him the help he needs.
We make the decision to accept this sort of pain when we have children.
Also, it will give you time to work on you.
I feel your pain, as my 13 year old daughter is living at her fathers house right now, and we are experiencing some major acting out as well. She does not like me, because I put the screws to her and hold her accountable, but she loves and respects me for it. She almost craves it.
I hope this helps, just remember to be strong. Our children know how to maniuplate us, because they know us better than we know ourselves.

Hi R.,
My neighbor admitted her 17 year old daughter to something very similar a couple months ago and hesitated on sending her out of state as well but it really was the only option. She now says it was the best decision she's ever made and her daughter has made a complete 180 degree turn in behavior. In this situation her daughter will not be coming home until she graduates from high school so in some ways this is different than your situation.
Good Luck!
T.

Without knowing much about your situation aside from what you've told us, I think that your son getting a break from your current home environment is probably the best thing for him right now. Three adults and two teenagers in a one-bedroom condo (sorry - I have no idea what "1/2 bedroom" means) is just a recipe for disaster. He's probably going stir crazy at home, but is still too young to enjoy the same freedoms away from home that his older sibling can.

You say that only two of your kids live with you - does the middle child live with his dad? Maybe your son might benefit from some time spent living with his father, in less cramped quarters with a more relatable father figure.

I was also wondering about the "LOL" you included in the subject line, which seemed rather inappropriate following an announcement that you put your son into a behavioral hospital. Perhaps it was due to frustration, but I wasn't sure how to interpret that. I think that a change in your living situation would greatly benefit your whole family. Good luck.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice. I just wanted to tell you that your love for your child is admirable. You are obviously very scared for your son and are willing to do whatever it takes to make his life better, even it means not being with him. That is true love. It's rough I am sure, but hang in there, it's got to get better. As for breaking the camels back, I honestly believe that when you are doing something for the good of your child, all will come out right in the end and they will forgive you for what they think is pure torture at the time... when they mature and realize how right it is and that you did it out of love.

I agree with some of the others that it's hard to know what to suggest because we don't know the extent of his problems. My first response though would be that there are too many people living in a tiny space, and he's acting out because of that. I would agree that you should move into another place if you can, or work on that piece somehow. The other thing to ask yourself is, does he have anything that defines him as a person, does he like to draw, read, soccer, piano,singing, tennis? Anything? Have you ever explored getting him involved in any of these activities to see what he might like. I don't know anything about your family habits, but here's how we were successful in raising our two teenages. We were by no means financial stable, so we never had video games in the house, and limited the TV to only family time, we did feel it was important though to find our kids passions, so we tried lots of different activities, some free, some not, so now both my kids play instruments, and they are passionate about theater. A video game or TV doesn't develop passion in people. There are lots of community theatre groups you and he could try that would be an activity you do together, maybe he'd enjoy being a techie, and working on the sound or lights. Have you ever had time to explore what he likes? Maybe when he gets back you should investigate getting him involved in some activity. Good luck

Rachel, I am not sure if this is appropriate to "go there" but you need to figure this situation out and get to the bottom of why is acting out. Here's an idea: You and your three children are living in a one bedroom condo with you parents. That makes 6 people in a very small space. This might not be the right situation for your family. 11 year old boys are just heading into puberty and need time ALONE. It doesn’t seem like this situation is accommodating this need. I am not sure if you can figure out another living situation, this might be one of the main causes for this behavior issues that you are going through with your family. I know I don’t know you or the situation that you are in, but a new living situation seems like it could benefit everybody.

I won't tell you not to feel guilty, because you will anyway (I know, I'm a mom, too)...but if his behavior is enough to have you commit him to this program in the first place, then you have to keep it going...if what they teach him is not reinforced enough, his old behavior is certain to return, and that isn't good...it especially isn't good FOR HIM. Think about it in these terms...perhaps he will be angry with you b/c he is in a facility such as this one...but if he can get the treatment he needs, he will eventually be a happier, healthier, more balanced person because of it.

GOD BLESS YOU!!! You didn't say what your son's disorder is. Check your son's diet. MDs don't tell you that diet can play a VERY SIGNIFICANT part in behavioural and psychiatric problems. Sugar, white flour and food coloring can set kids off. This was noted in the 1970's but now everyone has forgotten about this. A friend of mine's son is autistic and has had radical mood changes for the better when the diet was altered to avoid dairy, wheat and sugar. I had chronic fatigue with TERRIBLE mood swings and anxiety attacks for 12 years. They were so bad the doctors would put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I was diagnosed as bi-polar!! However, I can't tolerate the anti-depressant medications well. I get terrible incapacitating migraines. I went on the anti-Candida (yeast) diet (you can read the "YEAST CONNECTION" - borrow it from the library and had a RADICAL shift in my moods. I had also had a lot of antibiotics so I had systemic yeast problem again MDS say it doesn't exist, but I know for a fact it does exist. Now if I avoid wheat flour, sugar and dairy I no longer have any anxiety or food related problems. I I do eat them - it all comes back along with migraines. I suggest a good naturopath, and maybe even some acupuncture for your son. I have had acupuncture and that helps release a lot of negative emotions as well. 11 years old is YOUNG for this kind of problem. God bless you and good luck.

Hi my name is J. and i would like to know what kind of problems is he having? i have a 16 year old who i enrolled in group health adolcent cneter in factoria. we started this about 2 months ago. My son has been through a lot in his life and anyways he was destroying our home by breaking htings fighting with us and screaming. For the last 2 months our home has become some what normal. He has had maybe 2 or 3 lapses but all in all he is doing much better. What health insurance do you have? my kids have group health and they are the ones who told me about this program. So i thought maybe this could help you.

I also have 3 kids a 16 year boy and a 15 year old daughter and a 13 year old boy. I divorced many years ago too but recentley re married last july.
I will keep you in my prays.

There is not enough information here to give you advice about sending him out of state. If I were you I'd rely on the advice of the professionals who are working with him.

You mention health problems for yourself. Are you getting help with those? Do they impact your children's sense of security? Is the hospital giving you support with your son? Are you getting some counseling to help you make this decision?

I don't know how that many people can live in that small of a condo. Perhaps it's larger than it sounds. Do you have a room to yourself or sharing one with your daughter? Where do the boys sleep? Your parents? I'm thinking that if you had other choices you wouldn't be there. At the same time I wonder if you've investigated the possibility of other choices. You may be eligible for public assistance and SSI. All of you must be stressed out being crowded into a small space with no room for privacy.

Your son's difficulty may not have anything to do with the living arrangements. There is no way any of us would know what is best for your son, especially since we don't know his or yours medical and physical condition. We don't know what the atmosphere is like living with your parents.

Is your son's father involved? Could he be a resource if you contacted him?

How are your other children doing? Are they getting support or are you so involved with the worry over your 11 yo that you don't have much left over to give to them? You don't want to lose the other children and that's possible if he comes home and continues to have serious difficulty.

If he were to come home, do you think that the situation will be better than before he went to the hospital?

I suggest that you get involved in professional counseling to help you make this decision. The hospital should be providing it as a part of your son's treatment. You trusted them enough to take your son there. Now it's time to trust them enough to listen to their advice. They have lots of experience and training in this sort of situation.

You may feel more confident with a counselor separate from the hospital. If so do that. Do you have insurance covering the hospital stay and any other placement? Insurance for counseling for you? If the state is involved, how can they help you?

You are in a very difficult place. I wish for you some answers so that you can take care of all of your children and yourself in a manner that is beneficial for all of you.

I just read your profile. Making them happy is not any part of being a parent. Hopefully, with the right circumstances and the right decisions you will all be happy some of the time. But your childdren's happiness is ultimately up to them. YOur most important job as a parent is to teach them how to live successfully in this world and often teaching those lessons mean they will be unhapppy. More important than happiness is giving them a sense of security by knowing that you love them and that you, as an adult, will do what you think is best for them. If they feel secure they will have a better chance at happiness. No matter what happens, even if it's to go out of state for the treatment he needs, you continue to love him and show him that love in ways that he allows. Keeping him home, if he needs continued treatment, is not love for him. It's letting yourself off the hook as a parent. It's making you "happy."

Because of the circumstances you described your messages I suspect that you are having a really rough time. Otherwise you wouldn't be living with your parents. Find a counselor who can help you and then you can help your children.

I'm not sure exactly what your son is going through that you had to put him in a behavioral hospital, but it seems to me that if it was your choice to put him in there, that it should be your choice to take him out. If I admitted my son to someplace and then they would not give him back to me, I'd be mad as hell and fight tooth and nail, legally if necessary to get him back. It sounds as though your son does need some help or you would not have taken him there, but I would think that you would have to consent to them taking him out of state. They can't just take a minor across a state line (or anywhere for that matter) without a document signed by the legal guardian saying that it is okay. Perhaps some counseling would be a better option than a behavioral hospital? Like I said, not sure why you put your son in there..you don't exactly give many details, and that's your choice. It sounds as though you have rather tight living quarters...could that be part of his problem? Good luck. Hope you son gets the help he needs without having to leave the state and his family.