I am not even married and have two teenagers. Financially, I am always struggling since divorce, and my son, who is 18, is applying for a college now, which means more financial burden on me. My daughter is 15. My boyfriend really wants me to have this baby and told me he would marry me, but I am not really sure if I can handle being a mom at my age. Especially, even if I get married, my boyfriend has to stay in DC while I am in New York. He can not leave his job because of his job contact. I can not move because I am legally obligated to stay close to my ex-husband here. I feel I am too old for taking care of a new born baby while I take care of my teenager children, work long hours, and away from my husband. I really did not know I could be pregnant like this at 48 especially I was already going through some premenopausal symptoms. Many people think I would be too crazy to have this child. At the same time, it is awfully hard to terminate the baby. I really feel irresponsible to be pregnant accidently in my situation, but I need to make a decision soon, but I feel I am totally lost. I would like to have an advice from someone who raised 3 children over 45.
To everyone- I have terrible news to share. I started bleeding heavy on Thanksgiving night. I had a spontaneous miscarriage. As I was watching blood coming out of my body, I cried hysterically because at that moment I was so sure I wanted to have the baby after all. But, it was too late. I am very ashamed of myself. You can tell from the Mamapedia question that I posted that I didn't have a positive attitude about this pregnancy. I would like to give my heartfelt thanks to Momee, Lisa, Georgiam Zaida, Emily, Kimberly, Heather, Siobhan, Joanne, and Marianne. Your comments gave me tremendous support. Thank you very much. L.
Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption? As a person who struggled with fertility issues for years, and was lucky enough to eventually conceive on my own, I know there are many like me who long for a child.
About me:
I'm 43 and raising 6 children with two on the way. The oldest is 21 the youngest is 15 and the two on the way is a 13 year old boy and a new born (I was just married in October and my husband would like to have children with me). With all that said I just want to encourage you. Life is precious. Count your blessings and know that trouble doesn't last always. You are a great mom so far and you will do a wonderful job with this new baby. You have resources at your disposal you didn't have before with the help of two teenagers in your house. That's great.
You also have a boyfriend willing to do his part. The both of you need to better define what that is. Perhaps you haven't weighed every option. Since this is just the beginning of your pregnancy, this gives you time to develop friendships and strategies to perhaps do a long distance shared custody arrangement. This worked for a friend of mine (Virginia/DC arrangement).
As for your financial troubles, those will require you to think outside of the box too. Two things to consider there. The first would be to cut your expenses where you can. What can you cut in the areas of food, clothing, shelter and commuting? The second would be increase your income. Is there some skill or talent you have which you can translate into extra income? Do you bake? Can you make clothing, blankets, jewelry, etc? Do you have many excess items on hand that you could sell online? If you set the price affordable and if it is a wanted item you could make yourself a nice piece of money along they way.
All I'm saying is don't let your distress at your current situation determine your child's life isn't worth living. You have options. Choose life and exercise every option you have.
I hope this helps. Feel free to keep in touch. You have a friend in me.
Most importantly, see your doctor. Make sure you can physically do it. There are options. You will choose the right one for yourself. The most important thing is your health. The choice you make is yours and yours alone. Thats a heavy situation that you are in. Good luck and think long and hard. My heart goes out to you.
Dearest L.,
Sometimes the agony of having to make a decision is worse than the situation itself. I feel for you.
Asking for advice for your situation in this forum is probably not the best idea. Almost each response that you have received has behind it the responder's personal agenda (the person whose "friends" want to adopt, the Christian pro-lifer, etc). Seeking these opinions will only confuse you more.
Consider first that you need to collect all of the facts of your personal situation: your physical health, mental health, economics, social support systems, values and goals, etc. You need to consider all of these factors in order to make the most informed decision that is you OWN decision and no one else's.
Once you have made your own decision, go forth with confidence in the knowing that you will do the best you can for your situation. Do not question your decision, because either choice you make (having the child, adoption, abortion) will not be perfect. There will always be the lingering questions of the "what if I had done X instead?". Just take ownership of your decision and know that it is yours to make. Also know that Life is full of roads not taken, and accept the results with grace.
This is such a personal choice- and I respect whatever you decide to do. If you do decide you can't terminate the pregnancy but you also can't keep the baby, I have dear friends who are looking to adopt. They are a sweet, loving couple who so desperately want to have a family. Please feel free to contact me if you are considering adoption.
Peace be with you as you make this decision.
E. R
I feel for you... I'm not sure anyone can tell you what to do. I hope you have close friends and family that really know you to support you and help you find the right decision.
My thoughts & prayer go out to you during this sad time. I am so sorry for your loss!! M.
I can't say that I've been in your situation, but a good friend of mine called her mom to tell her that she was going to be a grandmother again (she was 27). Her mom was 48 & she replied "I'm going through menopause". A little while later after going to the Dr for some relief for the menopause, she found out she was pregnant too. She was 48. They had their babies within 3 weeks of each other. That was 10 years ago & they feel very blessed to have this child in their life. Children are a blessing no matter how or when they come to us. I'm not sure how each state operates, but I would think that special circumstances would allow for you to go to be with your boyfriend, especially with your daughter being a teenager. There's no harm in contacting a family law attorney for a consultatiion re: whether or not you can change the existing agreement. I don't know how much I've helped if at all. I wish you the best!
Hang in there & God Bless
My dear L., I agree with Mamasita. we humans love to share but we are also very driven to find our own solutions.
1. Think quietly on all the things that are important factors in your life at present.
2. Seek the support of those you can count on and above all
3. Make a decision you can live with.
No one can or should make decisions for you. Be guided by your faith and you'll be fine.
GOOD LUCK!!!
J. S
L., I know first hand how it is to be in your situation, being pregnant & having children already----& struglling financially, but not bcasue I have had those issues, it's my many family members that struggle daily & some days I'm saying "boy I'm glad I never had kids ..." but MOSTLY, MOSTLY I'm sorry I haven't & for the baby I chose to terminate when I was 35yrs old & un-married, in a new relationship & literaly the codom broke!, I was scared to death. My Dr. said "you have plenty of time to have more kids" & recommended terminating... my Christian Sister begged me not to-- & the anit-abor people sent me a tape that just tried to scare the heck out of me!! I felt so ALONE, I had nowhere to turn, felt like they ALL had their OWN agenda, none of which had my interest at heart! Thru it all I felt soooo much pressure & at such a hormonal time, it's no time to make decisions! At the very end of the day I am a Christian tho I'm not one of the Bible toting, preachy type & so my heartfelt advice is to continue the God-given pregnancy you're blessed with & you can always, always arrange for adoption. That had been my utlitmate plan until another family member screamed "are you kidding me, just don't have it". I was so scared, so confused & had been ready to go off to a convent type place they help you have the baby & adopt, I'd been so happy w/that idea up until then. And so I chose instead to back out & when I got to the clinic there were ANTI-abor people but up a block & how I wish I could've spoken to one of them.... it's too late for me, I'm 52 & regret it .. often. The choice to have a baby HAS been made, you're pregnant, right? One day it'll all make sense. Hope this advice helps you. God bless.
I am not 48 but my mother who raised me and my sister was just turning 40 when she found out she was pregnant with twins. She was never married and many women suggested abortion but she felt it was a blessing and everything worked out. Yes there was a little bit of a struggle along the way but you know what there always will be because that's life. But this baby may bring joy to your life like you never expected don't pass up the opportunity of never knowing. You will be ok they have a lot of help out there for single pregnant moms take advantage of it if you can.
God bless and good luck!
From H.
I wouldn't do it. Sounds like you have other issues to deal with right now to focus on a child. If you're struggling financially this is just going to cause more stress. If you work, imagine the daycare costs, extra food, formula, crib/furniture etc etc. It's a lot. Not to mention can you handle it right now? My mom had my brother when she was 45 and had complications. Also once a woman is 35+ the chances of a child being born with problems increases by a lot.
You also mention that your boyfriend isn't even going to be around to help much since he lives in DC... As you know with 3 children the support of the father is very helpful and if he can't be around who's going to be your support?
Well good luck in your decision.
