I Am So Hurt. Broke up over Routine

DVMOM: Jackwagon! I love it. It sounds to me like he has been reading too many teenage love novels and mistook it for reality.

Does he not get up every morning, get ready, go to work? Sounds like a routine to me. Makes me want to punch him for you.

Amen, Bug!

Sounds like a lame excuse to me.
I'm sorry, am I wrong to believe that responsible adults with children NEED some routine?

"Routine" is not an answer.

Don't know what his answer is, but he's telling you loud and clear he wants out. I hope he gives you the answer sometime, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I'm sorry this is happening, but you WILL come out stronger on the other side, and with a better mate too! :)

Wait, let me get this straight. This guy wants no routine in his life. Everything has to be new and different and exciting on a minute-by-minute basis. BUT, it's YOUR job to provide the novelty and excitement? He's just supposed to sit back passively and "receive" it? I mean, what the %#(*@#*????

Honey, I know you're hurting now, and hugs to you. I mean it. But this man is an unbelievably selfish little piece of poop. His mama failed, big time, in the raising of him. In the long term, you will be so happy to be rid of him. Just grit your teeth, stick to your ROUTINE (which every adult ever will tell you is a lifesaver), and survive the pain. There's happiness waiting for you on the other side.

Life is routine. My heart beats on a routine basis or I wouldn't be writing this. I also breathe in and out on a routine basis. Like others have said, we all get up, eat, work, go to sleep on a routine basis.

I'm sorry you fell for a boy in a man's body. I wish you better luck next time. Sound like a need-entertainment all the time kind of child. Too bad he took you along for a ride.

Not all men or women are like this. My wish is that these kinds of people only find others of their own kind so they don't mess up the lives of good, mature people.

Good luck to you and yours.

L., you didn't fail. HE failed. He failed with her. He failed with you. He'll fail with every other woman in his life. He doesn't want the responsibility of "life" and wants a woman to provide him with entertainment and a diversion from what's really important. He is not worth your tears.

I used to know a guy who broke up with his first wife, saying that he was tired of living "life on a 5". He said that he was willing to settle for some 1's if he could have some 9's. Then his business blew up and he owed a tremendous amount of money to many people. He was a smart business man and worked his way out of it all by managing a lot of properties, but it nearly killed him, figuratively speaking. It made him grow up a lot. Living "life on a 5" looked a heck of a lot better after that! He married the second wife and had two kids, and forgot in time just how lucky he was to be out of the financial hole. He started looking for the "9's" again and ended up leaving the mother of his two children - a wonderful woman! After several years, and now in his 50's, he is married to his 3rd wife. Why she wants him, I don't know. He has changed careers yet again and won't make a whole lot of money. I wonder if he even has any retirement saved.

The point is, it takes some guys a very long time to grow up and understand that routine MEANS something. It means security and caring and the knowledge that your loved one will be there for you. Some guys NEVER get it.

Maybe you should go talk to his ex and learn some of the truth about this guy. You may find that you dodged a real bullet by not marrying him.

I hope you find wisdom in my words here.

Dawn

You didn't fail, he failed in two relationships; he's the common denominator in two failed relationships. What the man of your life lacks is being a man. Routine is in everyone's daily life, so for that to be the sole reason is the biggest cop out I've heard. Don't buy into the reason, let him learn from himself, if he is capable of that and he may return a more mature person. Please try to move past the hurt and see him for the immature selfish person he comes across to be (at least in your description of him) Stay strong and do something fun and good for you. Good luck

It's not you, it's him.
If the whole concept of 'routine' bothers him, he'll never have a stable relationship in his life - with you or anyone else.
My grandfather married my grandmother because she was feisty, would fight back, there was never a 'dull' moment (he disliked people with a 'there you push me, there I be' personality) - she was mentally insane, incredibly violent and he ultimately had to have her institutionalized.
He had to, she cut a hole in the floor of their 2nd floor apartment and crapped on the neighbors downstairs.
Routine was never their problem.
She threw pots/pans and plates at him, and - he spent a WHOLE lot of time drinking his life away in bars while not being able to deal with what was going on at home.
Look at this the right way and he's doing you such a big favor.
You are hurting now, but it'll get better.
And really - you are better off not having to deal with someone who will never be satisfied no matter what you do.

LIFE is routine. It is routine when he gets his kids on a schedule. When he gets up for work. When he drives the same commute. Etc. There are people who confuse routine with boring and they will create drama to shake things up. Frankly, that is not the kind of person you want around. My DH's ex would do things like go out for the night and show up at 3AM and the car was in a ditch somewhere. Yeah, that wasn't "routine" but it was no fun living with someone who was unpredictable. I LIKE my husband home with me at 3AM. Silly me.

I don't think it's routine. I think he doesn't have the ability to handle a mature, stable relationship - with anybody. If routine is his excuse for his ex being an ex, then it's not just you.

If he's already broken your heart twice. I think you should take this as an opportunity to move on. He may be a good person at the core, but not good FOR YOU. I'm still friends with a couple of exes...but there were reasons we broke up and why they did not become my DH. Let this one go. You deserve someone who loves you, routine and all.

Well then, he is a unrealistic immature jackwagon and you don't need him. I know it may not feel this way now, but seriously...anyone that would dump you over life being "too routine" is not worth your time or energy or love. Life is pretty much all routine, and he is the one that is too much of a douche canoe to realize that and be a grown-up about it and appreciate the positives. You have not failed anything - he has failed you. Don't let him take up any more space in your head or your heart. Sounds like there really isn't anything you could have done to keep him happy, and nobody else will either - because he is the one with the issues. He's even more of a a-hole for trying to make you think it's you and not him.

If this is the second time he broke up with you then I have to say, "He's just not that into you"
I am sorry, it sucks when your heart is broken

First, I am SO SO sorry for your pain. :(

Second, you did NOT FAIL. HE did. He has chosen to not work out his problems and transferred them right from his failed marriage, to his relationship with you. I know you can't see it this way now because you are hurting so badly, but some day you will know that this is a blessing in disguise, because any man who cannot commit to the day-to-day with you was never in it for the long run. It would have progressed to much bigger problems, so I'm glad he was able to tell you sooner rather than later.

Last, don't try to be overly strong. Give yourself time to grieve, time to cry.

'routine' is just an excuse. a sad, pathetic, inexcusable excuse. grown-ups know that the excitement and pizzazz of new romance is a phase through which relationships move. immature selfish losers think that they deserve sparkles and new-romance adrenaline all the time, and that it's their partners' fault if they fail to provide.
the 'routine' he so despises is the framework that adults create and need to make their lives, work and families flow smoothly. it's the foundation that children rely upon to give stability to their lives while they focus on growing up. it's what couples can count upon.
if he doesn't want that, shame on him.
i'm so sorry, hon. you can and will do better.
khairete
S.

L., I'm so sorry.

Is he for real?! The thing about being a couple is that you can make your routine whatever you want! If he doesn't like it, you guys can work together toward a relationship dynamic that you want. Is he even open to this? I'm sorry, this is so ridiculous and immature of him!

Is there something else bothering him? I just can imagine throwing in the towel over something that is so fixable...

*HUGS*

This is his issue. Not yours. Routine is a blessing. People that need the wild ups and downs of life are addicted to chaos. They are often alcoholics or drug addicts. They are self destructive. When things are finally starting to level out and the seas start to calm, they go and blow up thier life (and everyone around them). Very selfish, very destructive and this is his pattern, as you can see.

Since you love him, my suggestion is if he wants to try and work it out, tell him before you are willing to move in together and blend your families, you feel some couples counseling is in order. Take these issues to counseling and work this out before you move in together.

L., The way I see it, this is NOT your fault and you need to stop beating yourself up over it. I know it is hard now, but down the road you might even be thankful that your ex ended things, because he does not sound like a person who knows how to have a healthy relationship.
HE didn't know how to fix the relationship with his ex-wife, so he bailed. HE didn't know how to fix things with you, so he ended it. It sounds like he has a habit of running away whenever things get tough, rather than communicating or putting any sort of effort in.
There is NO relationship in this world that is not going to eventually get "routine", even if you start out "madly in love". I have been reading "the Five Love Languages", a book a totally suggest for anyone, which explains that most romantic love has a shelf life of about 2 years tops (less if children are involved) before those chemical feelings of infatuation wear off. The key is to keep working at making the love last, and it IS constant work. This book would give you some good ideas on what you can do to keep the love alive, but you need a PARTNER in it, you cannot just do it all yourself. My bet is your ex will continue bailing on relationships whenever they are not new and exciting. What a sad life...in my opinion, you want someone who is willing to be there, as your partner, through all the ups and downs of life. I am sorry for the hurt you are going through, as breakups are never easy. You deserve better than him, though.

Really L., give yourself some some credit there will be a great guy down the line and live a great life with your child!

Routine...of course there is routine! Without it life is crazy! When my daughter was four she knew there was routine. This is the same jackass that wanted to be with other people but it was going to be "just sex". Step back and look at him for what he is.

L.:

A relationship takes TWO to work. It's NOT WHOLLY YOUR responsibility to make it work or routine.

You failed at nothing other than letting him use you. You are smarter and wiser now. You will now know for future relationships to know that IT TAKES TWO! Yes, there are times when my husband works on our relationship more than me and vice versa.

Sounds like your ex has trouble with commitment. Until he grows up - he won't be able to carry on any other relationships. He will get what he can, skip through the relationship expecting her to do it all and he will keep repeating this over and over and over until one girl tells him to pound sand and tell him to grow the heck up.

I would thank my lucky stars that he broke up...because you would be busting your butt to work on a relationship that ONLY ONE person is in. He wasn't participating. He was taking. You won't be taken advantage of again, right? You will have the knowledge that IT TAKES TWO and will DEMAND that the next man participate and help make the relationship what YOU BOTH want. Not just what HE wants.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Really. But thank your lucky stars. REALLY!!! Now you will be able to find Mr. Right. So stop crying over him and find a man who worships YOU!!!

First off, life is nothing but routine. We all get up, eat breakfast, go to work or stay home and tend to the home.... day after day. That's life! In the evenings it's pretty routine. Kids need stability so there must be routine. Heck, adults need routine too to keep their sanity. On weekends, we do any house or yard chores and throw in some fun when we can. It's called LIFE.

Sounds to me like he's making up excuses to end the relationship. He may not know what the heck he wants and meanwhile you, your kids and his kids get stuck with the consequences.

It's not fair or right but don't think that all men are like this and don't let it stop you from dating again down the road. It hurts but if he is going to be wishy washy and make excuses it's better to know now. If he moved in he'd really be in a routine with that thing called LIFE and he'd be more miserable which in turn the rest of you would have to pay the price.

Either he loves you enough to be mature and accept life as it is or you need to cut him loose because life is too short to work on a relationship that he is just going to pull strings with.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

From your previous posts he sounded like a lot more trouble than he was worth. It sounds like you went above and beyond trying to make him happy. I hope he reciprocated but it doesn't sound like he did.

Like others have said, this is a blessing to you. It is time to move on and to find someone that appreciates you for you. Not someone that is constantly pushing the boundaries.

I know it must be devestating to you and it probably feels like there is a huge void in your life. Fill that void with your children and quality things until a more worthwhile man comes along.

Dont beat yourself up over all the technicalities. Hes probably just screwing someone else.
This is your opportunity to focus on you, your kids, and if a real man comes along...BONUS!

(Thats not married)

I like how he has found a way to blame it on you & his ex wife. Sounds like he has a problem with stability.

Sorry for you. I hope your kids were not attached.

Hi L.,
I'm sorry to hear this. I haven't read your other responses, but this sounds like a very immature excuse. Life IS a routine, that's just a fact. How old is he? Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis. But if he's broken your heart twice, time to move on. Best of luck to you and in finding a man who realizes that life's 'routines' can be fulfilling w/ the right person. Hugs!

L., he sounds like a child. All adults have routines, that's how we live productive lives and meet all of our obligations and have time for the people and things that we enjoy. A life without routines is chaos. It's not for grown ups, and certainly not for parents.

There is an old quotation out there that goes something like: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He is showing you loud and clear - he is not a mature adult capable of a real, grown-up relationship where he has expectations and responsibilities to meet. He already broke up a marriage over this very reasonable expectation. He's not going to change. Take time to heal and have faith that a real grown up is out there for you.

I'm sorry to say that the man sounds like he's merely bored. Possibly I could attach some other adjectives, but I won't. It's also possible that he's become bored with you because he's getting interested in someone else. Has that ever happened before?

However, I'm glad to say that if he's bored, it isn't your fault, so you're not a failure.

However he has explained it to you, however he may have laid a guilt trip on you, he has decided you're not worth enough to him for him to settle down and have a genuine, committed life with. From what you write, he may be doing to you what he did to his ex.

If you need to talk to a counselor to get your head straight about this, then talk to one (sometimes an impartial view of things can be very helpful). But let the man go, and hope that he goes quickly. There are just some men who turn out not to be worth the energy to hang on to.

I am sorry your heart is broken. Any time a relationship ends, it is difficult. Only time will help. I have to say, it does not seem like routine is the reason for the break up. That may be what he calls the problem, but it is HIS problem. I very likely has little to do w/a routine w/you. He is lacking something and until he finds it, he will always run into this problem in any relationship. Don't blame yourself, no matter what he calls it. If he has done this to you twice now, that confirms it. He has an issue(s) and he is the only one who can deal w/it. Until he chooses to do so, he will have problems. You are prob. better off in the long run, w/o him. I hope you will be able to heal and move on so that you can find a healthy relationship with a deserving man. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, sorry!

Ummm, I always thought getting into a routine was part of being a grown up, so I'm going to have to say, good riddance! Do you really want to have a life with someone so immature? Is that what you want your children to learn? I think you're lucky to be rid of him. Focus on you, get to be happy on your own and see what happens. I really enjoyed the book "The Soulmate Secret" it gives insight about how to learn/figure out what you really want and/or need in a partner, how to prepare yourself for their entrance into your life, and tips on how to know if you're even ready for them yet. I know you are hurting now, but IME things tend to work out for the best. Good luck.

L. I am so sorry you are going through this! I know it sucks to have someone say they do not want to be with you. BUT do you really want to be with someone that is willing to toss you aside because for some petty reason.
There is probably more to his feelings than he is letting on. What does he expect? Life is Routine especially a normal life. Routine is good, Routine means that you are not full of drama. Or at least that is what I think. Plus what has he done to keep the "excitement" going and not having your life together be "routine".The fault is not yours L.!!
This is a lesson for you too! You need to step away from this person and see that you are worthy! Routine is good. Routine is stability.
I hope you can look at this and see that you are not to blame!!
Stay strong and don't try to change who or what you are for someone that doesn't even know what he wants!!
Good Luck and GOD BLESS!
D.

You did not fail! It takes TWO to make a relationship work. You were working, he wasn't. He obviously has no concept of what a good, stable, loving, adult relationship is. He has confused a good relationship with "routine." What did he do to change things up? How did he add spice and break up the "routine"? I bet he did nothing! I'm glad you're moving on and see he doesn't deserve another chance. Look for someone who understands that the initial falling in love stage doesn't last forever, and who is willing to stick with you as your love transforms into something that is mature, stable, and lasting. He didn't break up with you over routine, he broke up with you because he's immature. Best wishes, and may you find love and happiness again!

I have not read the other responses, so please forgive me if I am repeating anyone else's sentiments, but.....

MEN ARE LAME!!!

No offense to any of the Dads on here, but in general, men who have emotionally "checked out" of a relationship just don't have the ability to articulate what didn't work. He's not in it and he has no interest in working on it. By the time he gets around to telling you that, his brain is already at a strip club in Bermuda trying to figure out how best to recapture that "je ne sais quois" that he just knows he needs.

This is not over routine. This is about him being immature and selfish. He just is unwilling/unable to articulate it. Good riddance to sorry rubbish. I hope you can heal from him emotional yo-yoing and get on to something bigger and better soon.

Trying not to sound harsh. People make excuses. If he wants to be in this relationship he will find a way to make it work. He knows you are willing to work on whatever; so leave it at that. You have yourself and your children to worry about and you cant let this break up hurt or affect your children. I am sorry you are heart broken. Don't beat yourself up for 'failing'. It takes 2. You know you are willing to work. It sounds like he is not. Put the time and effort into loving yourself. I know it sounds cliche but it works.

I'm so sorry this happened. It sounds like he hadn't really dealt with the baggage of his marriage. He basically broke up with you over the problems in his previous marriage, and that's not fair. I'm not sure what he means by becoming too routine, but life is full of routines. He is just looking for something that is impossible to get, and you were the casualty.

For you, make sure you recognize any shortcomings in the relationship and deal with those so you don't bring them into your next relationship. But please do not take on his issues, they had everything to do with him and nothing (or very little) to do with you.

I hope you get through this quickly and with as few tears as possible.

Let him go. And be prepared for when/if he comes back to kick him to the curb AGAIN.

Hugs and chocolate ice cream to you.

Copy all these responses and email them to the coward. : )

After a while EVERYTHING becomes routine - he will never be satisfied - mourn your relationship then be happy and move on.

The first thing to remember is to stop blaming yourself. Marriage is a 2-way street, not one-way. It takes 2 people, who love each other enough to make a marriage work. I know my marriage isn't perfect, but then I remember that perfect marriages only exist in fairy tales. Anyone that tells you different is simply ignoring the fact that they have found a way to live harmoniously and learned to ignore the little stuff and work together. Do we argue? Yes. Did my parents argue? Yes. There will always be disagreements, because you have 2 people with different views and different upbrings. As for your husband hating routine...He needs to grow up. His other marriage ending, because he hates routine is signally that he is part of the problem. He also needs to break the routine up, not just you. Routine is part of a marriage and will always exist in every life. We all have a morning routine when we get ready for the day. That's just how life is. He could come home and surprise you with flowers or suddenly decide to take you out to dinner. You could surprise him with a week-end picnic with the kids or have the kids surprise him with an, "I love you Daddy" card. Remember though that too many surprises can become routine also.