Hi Moms!
No too long ago, I read a similar post not knowing I would soon be in the same position. My best friend is getting married(again), and she is having the ceremony in Mexico. The trip itself is about 700 per person for air and hotel which,honestly,is not bad. So my husband and I had full intention of going. So in the beginning, I told her that yes, we would go. I,too,had a destination wedding and had a total of 8 people there. She was able to go bc we paid for the villa in which we all stayed and all our guests had to buy was their airfare.
Our wedding was very intimate,simple,and STRESS FREE. I didn't even have bridal showers or couples showers prior to it. Instead, we sent an wedding announcement after we had returned with the our registry information and link to a wesbite containing all our pictures and wedding story.
Well,my mistake was that her wedding,being a destination wedding, and her 2nd wedding, would be similar. Before I continue, please keep in mind that they are already married. They married legally 2 mos ago at the courthouse but want to have a "ceremony" on the beach.
Ok, so after she chose her destination and hotel, and quoted a price of 600-800 per person for 3 nights, I agreed to go. I was actually very excited as I LOVE going to Mexico.
Well,since then, she has informed me the 120 people are going, has asked me to host a bridal shower and couples shower(in which she is inviting 50 guests), appointed me maid of honor in which I have duties such as paying for her hair(and now have a dress I must purchase)...her wedding planner just sent me an email asking me to chip in for wedding items such as "just married" flip flops,cake topper,guest sign in book,etc. Has also asked me to compose a cd of songs(in which Id have to pay to download them). Also, in the very beginning, I offered to make a romantic photo slideshow as a gift for her and her husband which she has since turned into the dvd slideshow she wants played in front of everyone the night before the wedding.Hence, I have a deadline and she's given me loads of photos to scan.
On top of this, she is asking for money in lieu of gifts.
The whole thing is stressing me out. My own wedding cost me less stress than this!!
I would LOVE to go and share this special moment with her but not at the expense of my sanity. And bank account! lol.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding "bitchy" or "cheap". I want to tell her that I can either spend the money to GO, or spend it on all the events she wants me to host and items they want me to chip in for. I'll even pay for her hairdo.
Oh, let me add one more thing...I made her save the date card she sent everyone which took me hours.
And let us not forget the fact that I have 2 young children so would have to make arrangements for them.
HELP!!!!!!!!
This seems a bit much and a bit out of line why is the wedding planner contacting you about this she should have talked to you first. I've never heard of a bride requesting her maid of honer pay for these types of things, now if the maid of honor offers to do this as a wedding gift then thats fine. I think you should have a talk with her, real talk, and soon.
Sounds like too much for a 2nd wedding.
120 people for a destination wedding?? Doesn't sound right...never heard that before.
She's asking you to host 2 showers? No, that's not fair. For 50 people each? Uh, there should not be anymore than 20 at a shower.
Maids of Honor DO NOT pay for the bride's hair. Where the he** did she get that idea?
MOH DO NOT pay for wedding items...that is the bride & groom's job (or their families in a 1st wedding).
CD of songs...that's the bride's job...and she should have never expected you to pay for the songs.
And to ask for money instead of gifts, that's very tacky. Sounds like she doesn't want to pay for much, and then wants to get reimbursed for what she did pay for. A true friend wouldn't have asked you all this. Weddings are celebrations to honor the start of a marriage, and the receptions are the party aftewards. No guest should be expected to contribute to any of that.
This is ridiculous! I have been in several weddings and never in my life has anyone asked me to pay for them to have their hair done...or wedding flip flops or guest book!?!?! Your friend is out of her mind! And to expect you to host 2 showers for her?!?!? Where she expects people to bring her cash?!?!?!? This is her second wedding (well - actually she already had her second wedding if they're already married!!!) - she is being completely unreasonable and TACKY! You definitely need to talk to her and tell her that you cannot and will not do all of that. If she is truly your friend she will understand - and hopefully come to her senses!
you don't have to pay for anything! I'd just send an email back to the wedding planner saying "NO, I can't pay for those things. If the bride wants to have those, she can pay for them. I can't afford more expenses."
And really you shouldn't pay for a whole wedding shower by yourself.... ask the bride if there's another friend that can help with hosting expenses. And there needs to be only ONE shower. She's not a first-time bride...and it's a destination wedding.!!! She's lucky to have one shower.
Get a backbone and stand up for yourself and your family's finances.... and tell her honestly that you can't afford these things.
She's being presumptious that everyone can afford these things.
Wow, I'm still shocked after reading this. I think your friend is way out of line.
2nd weddings are not typically as big a production as the first and it sounds like she doesn't "get that". She has some pretty big expectations and shame on her for that.
To expect someone to pick up all your wedding expenses is unreasonable. Since you are a travel agent you know that at least the land portion of her trip is free courtesy of the other folks who will be attending.
It is not bitchy or cheap to have a reality check conversation with her. In fact, it's a real shame that you even have to do that, if she's your BFF she should know your current situation. Unfortunately she's put you in a tough spot and if you are going to graciously decline you need to do it soon.
Good luck.
OK - I didn't read all of your posts, but I think things have gotten a "little" out of hand with this wedding. You are not being bitchy or cheap, you're being SANE! :) LOL
I think you're in the right here. Maybe she can have 2 maids of honor - one single and you - that way you can split the duties. But she needs to pay for her own stuff. You can pay for what you want to and can afford. Just be loving and honest with her. She's not thinking clearly, and she's in a different stage in her life as well (no kids, newlywed). As your BFF, hopefully she'll understand. Do the things you wanted to do for her out of love... as for the rest - see below :)
The maid of honor is NOT financially responsible for things - I paid for my own bridal hair (hair cuttery, and they did a great job for $40, thank you). It's their 2nd wedding, so if they want to spend money, great - but it's not your wedding. The wedding planner is also CRAZY, expecting you to do and pay for so many things. I love to watch "whose wedding is it anyway" and I've never heard of that on REALITY TV, so don't know what planet she's coming from - it sounds like she wants you to do part of her job since you've been helpful and creative. Well, she's getting paid, you aren't - so tell the planner sorry, her responsibility, her bride's budget, etc.
Good luck and have fun!!!
When I got married, I wanted my best friend as my maid of honor, but I knew that she at the time was staying home with her children and home-schooling etc. - I know these things since she is my best friend - and I told her I did not want financial things to keep her from being in the wedding, and I paid for all her dress, etc. I would not have dreamed of having things in my wedding that I could not pay for and I certainly would not have expected or asked someone to give me a shower. People do those things voluntarily. You should be proud that you are responsible and know that you must do what is best for your own family. Tell your friend that you can barely pay to go to the wedding, and certainly cannot pay for all those other things. good luck
Personally, I think she is going overboard on this second wedding that's just "symbolic" because she's already married. I agree with the other poster who said, if she's your true friend, you should be up front with her and say that this is your budget (including airfare, etc.) and you can't go above that. If you're looking into DVDs, look at online websites like shutterfly or snapfish. I know shutterfly has DVDs (or at least they did at some point) that you can upload the photos, arrange, animate with beautiful "wedding" touches and add music (their music, not your own). Sometimes wedding planners can be very pushy - it could be that she's convinced your friend that she "needs" these things and that someone should buy them for her. Sorry - but I've been married only once and I paid for things like the cake topper, the guest book, etc. I think it's in very bad taste to ask someone to buy those things, and worse yet to host a shower that you didn't originally offer to host.
Oh Alexandra!
What a situation to be in!!
This is what I would do. Call her and ask for a "good time" to have an uninterrupted girl conversation. Tell her that your family only has X amount of dollars (the original amount you expected to spend) in your budget for the entire event. Tell her that you are very distressed about the situation, but want her to have the best Day possible, and you have already exceeded your non travel budget. Ask her what she wants you to do. Most people will say that they primarily want you to be there, and that is the best answer for a BFF to give. If she is the friend you believe that she is, she will understand that your presence is the gift she wants and needs from you. Other things can be done by her family. I never have heard of the Matron of Honor being required to pay for the bride's hairdo. They usually do help in the dressing room with the hair, and I even had a second friend to help me with that (it didn't cost her a dime). The dress you may be required to buy, but if you are the only attendant, she should let you pick your own dress in her colors (you can choose one that will work for you another time as well).
Another option is for you to just go by yourself to save money. Your husband would most likely rather go on a vacation with you when the agenda is not quite so nuptual-oriented.
The Best to you and your BFF!
D.
If she is your TRUE BEST FRIEND-- talk to her-- she should understand-- if not then she may not be.....
Tell her since you have a family and two kids, you can only attend the wedding. You need to back out as a brides maid because you cannot afford the expense or stress at this time. If she is a true friend, she will understand. If she has a problem with it, then she's just a leech.
Honestly, I think women who expect other people to pay for things when they have asked these people to be a part of their wedding are ridiculous. I don't care what the books say about who is responsible for what. That information is out dated. If it is your wedding (especially a second wedding), you pay for EVERYTHING. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, their hair and make up, the tuxes and everything else.
I think you have already done plenty with providing her with save the date cards. It is very generous of you to offer the other services. You are a great friend and she will either recognize this or she really isn't a great friend.
GL!
One word: Bridezilla! I've never seen the show but that seems to sum it up. I would feel like I was imposing on people to choose a destination wedding to start with, much less to go demanding all the other stuff. If you were the one going nuts with your wedding & making outrageous demands, how would you want her to react? Reality 101, right? I think that explaining the budget is a great idea. This gal needs the concept of a budget. Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is set limits. Be kind but firm. Let us know what happens!
