I Can't cope...how Do Working Mom's Do It?

It will get easier when she grows up by the way what kind of a job are you working I am just looking something like that:)

Hi L.,

I felt like I was reading an account of my life 2 years ago when I had my daughter. I now have a 2 year old girl and 12 week old boy, a new home, a husband, a full time AND a part time job. I know how your feeling and it will get better. I too am pretty anal about the appearance of my home and there are simply days when I feel like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. I have never found a way to "let it go" when it comes to keeping a clean, orderly home. Not only that but I also try to be the best mother, wife and employee I can be. To fail or to do a sub-par job in any of those areas is not an option. I would by no means call myself a super Mom. I agree with a previous poster, it doesn't exist. Here are some suggestions that have worked for me.

Find way to make your job fit your needs. I was able to negotiate with my bosses a great schedule that allows me to work downtown 2 days a week and from my home the rest of the week. I found a proposal and tailored it to my job duties and even though it's a law firm and my situation is generally unheard of, they agreed to try it and it's been working for over 2 years now!

Do 1 load of laundry a day. I find that keeps it from becoming an unmanageable task to tackle on your weekends when you want nothing more then to just hang with your family.

We turned our dining room into a playroom. That's where all toys, books, everything child related resides. If it's messy, so be it, it's one room. If you don't have that option pick a corner where you can easily place everything without worrying that it's in order. For me, it doesn't bother me to see toys all in one spot, it drives me nuts to see toys strewn throughout the house.

I agree with another poster, have a heart to heart with your hubby about what duties he needs to assume. Don't do this in an accusatory tone or in the middle of a fight. Write it down, bring it to him when your both in a good mood and ask him what he thinks. Be willing to edit this list after receiving input from him. In fact, encourage it. The more your working as a team the better. You'll get no where by telling him what he's not doing. Simply state what you need him to do. As gently as possible tell him that in order for you to "relax" as he'd like you to do, these items MUST be taken care of. And drop some of the less important ones all together. I find too that one day each weekend while our daughter is napping we power clean together. It takes about 1 hour for us to each tackle "our rooms". My husband hates doing bathrooms and I'm not fond of dusting so he dusts and I do bathrooms and before you know it, the house is clean and your weekend is left to spend time with your daughter.

Do your cleaning in short bursts throughout the week and try to incoroprate your daughter in them. An example. We have a half wall with a wood top surrounding our stairs to the basement. It gets dusty. Rather then break out the cleaning supplies, just before my duaghter would go for her bath, I'd plop her butt on there and drag her around that wood top. She has fun, the wood gets dusted and her pants go immediately into the hamper. Dust doesn't stain! Got wood/tile floors? spray a pad of paper towels with some water/vineager or even nothing at all and put one under each foot and to the shuffle around your house as you go back and forth to the kitchen to grab a bottle. Be creative and you'll find easy ways to get things done.

As for the resentment part, let it go. I finally have and it took a long time! It's not my husband's fault that we can't survive on his income, it's just the way life is these days. For those who can swing it, congrats but for the rest of us it is what it is. Instead of focusing on that and feeling that your missing out think of the positive. Your little girl is going to see her mother hold down a job, take care of her and be a wife and those are each very valuable life lessons. Be proud of what you do and how you do it. And remember, you are sooooo not alone. Your doing a great job and you should be patting yourself on the back rather then worrying your not doing enough. Life truly is too short. Please contact me if you want to talk more. Sometimes just venting like you've done today is enough to get you back on track and thinking positively!

I know sometimes we just need to vent so please accept my sympathy - we've all been there and done that, to an extent. It's frustrating that there aren't more hours in the day.

Seems to me that the source of stress is your need for the house to be tidy (since your husband seems perfectly fine with things the way they are). It sounds like your husband is willing to help when he sees a need to do so - but you can't expect him to "see" a mess where he doesn't see one (even if you do). A couple suggestions:
First, I think you are way too hard on yourself - and probably have some unrealistic expectations. I personally don't know any actual real live "super moms." I don't think they exist. When they try and exist they drive themselves nuts, which it sounds like you're on your way to doing. Obviously if you want to spend time with your daughter you can't fit everything in that you used to. This just reflects a natural change in priorities. I used to do triathlons. I don't anymore because I don't have time to run. But I *do* have time to take my son to the park almost every day, and for now that's more important to me. I also used to work more than I do now, but I'd rather spend some time with my family than an extra hour at work.
Second - if there are specific things that you would like your husband to do every day, leave him a list. If he's anything like my husband he's happy to help out but he just needs some direction. Make sure the list is realistic and specific. Prioritize the things that really bother you the most if they're not done.
Third - consider designating a "messy area". Really, what's the point of continuously picking up the baby's toys when she will just pull them out again? IMHO it's really just a waste of your time and energy. Shove them all in a corner and throw a blanket over them if you must, but just LEAVE THE TOYS OUT. It doesn't matter. They're not dirty. They don't smell. They don't hurt anyone when they're lying on the floor as long as they're not underfoot. Just get over this one :)

Welcome to motherhood. I have learned to let some of it go. I would like to have a perfect house, but I have learned there's more important things. I keep my upstairs clean and the basement gets clean whenever I can get to it. I spend most of my time upstairs so this has worked for me. I also have been getting rid of things I don't need, which makes less clutter and cleaning easier. When my children were young I put their toys in nice baskets. It made clean up easy and quick. I vaccuum once every morning and mop once a week. I used to mop every other day but I realized I do not have that kind of time. I also try to clean one room a day extra good and I do one load of laundry each day. I cook Mon through Thurs and my husband cooks Fri through Sun. It is his job to take out the garbage, mow the grass, pay the bills, and repair the cars. I do the shopping, laundry, and housework. We work on big projects together like painting the house. We also try to help each other out. I have two teenagers and they are in charge of their own laundry. The first year was the hardest for us also. Good luck and remember that having a spotless house is not what makes you a good mother or wife, it's the love and caring you give to your husband and child.

Cheryl

I love the suggestions some of the other moms have made - designating a messy room or area that you pick up at the end of the day but leave the toys out during the day. When my son was little my living room looked like a tornado hit during the day. Then we moved and had a tiny living room so we used the dining room as a play area. The play room/area got vacuumed daily.

I personally take one room a day and clean it. I have two cats which both my son and I are allergic to, so I have to vacuum all rooms at least every other day at a minumum. I mop my floors twice a week (usually sundays and wednesday or thursday) unless we spill something. I do laundry after my son goes to bed on Sunday nights. (I live in a condo and have a community laundry room, so I have the advantage of doing multiple loads at once). When I didnt have that option, I did one laundry of laundry every other day. I'd wash, dry and fold it one day, and usually put it away the next day. I don't have a lawn to keep up with, but I do sweep my balcony and clean my patio furntiture once a week, usually on Saturday mornings before my son gets up.

I exercise on my lunch break - (well sort of). I have an hour lunch so I spend at least 40 minutes briskly walking through a park down the street from work. Some days I dont walk and I run errands instead - picking up non-perishables from the grocery store or walmart or target, dropping mail at the post office, stopping off at the hardware store for whatever it is I keep forgetting to pick up, etc.

Really you just need to adjust your priorities if you want more time with your daughter and to stay sane. Your husband seems willing to help you - maybe sit down when you are both in a good mood and discuss it. Find out how he would feel if you left a list of things that he could do to really help you out. Most guys like to solve problems and find solutions - so explain thta your problem is that you feel you have to do all these things and don't have time. It might also help to work out assigned chores -maybe he could be responsible for certain things everyday.

You are lucky that your husband doesnt mind helping out - and that your family is able to watch Rose for you so that you don't have to worry about who she is with and beating the clock to get to a daycare before it closes. I do it all alone, all of the chores are mine and I have to be both mom and dad since Im a single mom (and no family in the midwest!). I have learned to just let some things go - and really.... nobody but you will care if your house doesnt look like martha stewart or june cleaver live there... I like a clean house too, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity to keep it 100% clean all the time - 75% percent clean most of the time works for me - just find a balance that works for you.

Hi! I am a mom of 4,and I have a part-time job as a real estate agent. I understand what you are going through. I've learned over the years that it's hard to be perfect or great at any one thing when you are a mother. You kind of have to become a little good at lots of things! I can pretty much kiss a clean house goodbye for now, but instead my house is filled with four little smiles and people. I'd say you need to communicate a little better with your husband, and if he is home with your child all day try to remember that -that is a full time job in itself. Even though he is home all day his time is pretty much filled. Maybe you can pick 3 things you would like for him to get done first if time allows. My husband also owns his own plumbing company and we get insurance on our own. It's a little costly, but can be done. If you ask me, it sounds like you are more resentful of the situation because you want to be home with your baby. (I can't blame you). I think that is what is at the root of your feelings. Maybe you can find another way so you can be a stay at home mom. Good Luck! my e-mail is ____@____.com if you need any more advice or an ear. Good luck and listen to your heart, it's trying to tell you something.

Dear L.,

I kind of know how you feel. When I had my second child I was a single mom and had no help. I had to work full time. I felt like I had to be a super mom to prove to everyone that I could do it all, LOL. Then I realized that my kids didn't care if the house was a little messy. It didn't bother them if there was a pile of clothes on the floor. Kids won't remember if the house was clean if they remember the happy feelings. Like you I to live in a small apartment. I wanted to make sure that my kids ate healthy. Since I worked between 50-70 hours a week. I was drained and when I got off of work, I just wanted to spend time with my kids and sleep. So on the two Sunday's a month I got off, I would do all of my shopping, and cook a head. I can say that the crock pot was my best cooking advice.

I know that people say that you do have to take time out for yourself, and when do we have that time? But I can honestly say that everyone could use a little time to themselves. Maybe you could run one day a week.

Maybe you could ask your husband to vacuum on Mon and Wed. He could take out the garbage and do something else. I agree that some men don't think to help us.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your situtation improves. Or atleast you become less stressed. Just remember you are doing the best you can do. There are no super moms. A wise friend once told me to charish my time with my kids because it doesn't last long.

Good Luck,
B.

It sounds like you're doing pretty well for still being in the first year of parenthood. I found it to be a really hard transition for both of us for so many reasons. There's so much more work all around, and I remember that we felt like there was more than needed to be done than the two of us could possibly hope to do and do well and it was very frustrating.

It's not just about housecleaning or lowering standards, either, although that's what people always say - there's so much more of everything that has to be organized and thought about, and things like exercise that you mentioned fall by the wayside.

It does get better, and I didn't find that adding another child (although we waited a few years) made things any worse once we got adjusted to it. But it doesn't help much to hear that when you're in the thick of it!

That first year, my husband and I really tried to focus on forgiving ourselves and each other for not being perfect. We had to keep reminding ourselves that sometimes it wasn't us, it was the circumstances, that were making things hard (not enough time, not enough sleep, not enough money.) We had to really work to remember to be a team against the world, not against each other because of the frustrations of the world.

I don't have an answer for the clutter/cleaning/organization issues. We had a housecleaner for a while, and it was great, but we dropped it to save money. We keep things livable, but the clutter issue is a big one and seems to get worse as the kids get older. Definitely affects my ability to relax at home, too - but I've gotten better at ignoring stuff ;-)

One more thought - I really resented working when my babies were very young (I also had Fridays off the first couple of years.) I didn't resent my husband, but resented the necessity. But then he got laid off (he is now self-employed and doing well, but no benefits like your situation) and I was able to get a great, flexible job where I work at home and I see how hard it is for some of my friends to get back into the workplace and I feel really lucky the way it worked out, now that my kids are a little older. Sometimes things are just meant to be, I think.

I'll just give you my honest opinion based on the things you wrote. I think you are normal. I think all of us Moms...stay home or working feel like we have to be super Mom! We carry "mothers guilt" about absolutely everything. We never feel good enough to be the Mother to the perfect angel we were given to guide, protect and love.
I think you should just write out a list of "chores" and put it on your refrigerator. Talk with your husband about what he can and will do while he is home and you put a few on there for yourself. NOBODY with children has a perfectly clean house and if we do we are neurotic and miserable.
I have a friend (a stay at home Mom) who never works past 8p.m. She won't mop or put away dishes....she says "no body else has to work past 8p.m."....and that gives her an opportunity to relax with her husband after the kids are in bed. If you enjoy running...ask your husband to entertain your baby for 40 minutes or so while you ACTUALLY GO DO THAT!! You will have to force yourself to do it the first few times...because I know that it's hard to feel like you deserve the time to yourself while your child has already been without you all day.
The bottom line is...you have to take care of yourself...physically and mentally. If you are "falling apart"...your kid will know and that will cause unhappiness in the whole family. 40 minutes of running is not much to spare when it could save you and your family. We all have boundaries and even our beloved husbands have to understand them. He will, I promise.
Enjoy your baby and future children and don't kick yourself over not being perfect. In your daughters eyes, you are perfect no matter what you do and if you want her to learn how to love herself....lead by example!!!! Best wishes!
H.

I only work part time and I've decided even in my situation, it just doesn't make sense to waste energy over everything being perfect. Set a timer for 10 min a day to clean and that's all (except dirty dishes and other stinky things). Your little baby won't be a baby forever and there will be more time eventually, and help... its not forever. let it go ; )

WOW! This sounds like me, I am a full-time working mom, with a 3 year old boy. I live in lemont, work in Lincolnshire, my commute is terrible. Always trying to look for a new job, but mine is good. I get the same way with my husband, i always have to ask to bring clothes upstairs, fold clothes, pick up dishes, then he says I nag, if I don't tell him, it doesn't get done. I try to do everything at night (during the week) so I can enjoy my weekend with my family, I wait until he goes to bed, but sometimes I still get a jump on wash. It is hard, I think doing a lot during the week helps, my you get very tired. Also, debating to have another child, always hate to put work first, but you need to pay for your child.

Oh my gosh - you completely just told my story. My son is just over 10 months old and we are in a 2 bedroom townhouse. My husband has tried saying he doesn't know what to do around the house so I made a list. That doesn't work either. I'm at my wits end. I used to keep a very clean house, work 40 hours a week and workout 5 days a week. I am SO thrilled with our son = the problem is not me becoming a mom (being a mom is the only thing that keeps me going) = it's that I'm doing it all. My husband will call me at work to ask what our son should wear - what needs to be done around the house - or what he should get at the grocery store. He quit his job when our son was about 3 months old to try just running a business he co-owns - well, that's not working out so much. So, I'm the sole income, I have the benefits from work, I cook, I clean (whatever I can). My family lives 4 hours away so I don't have the help I wish I could have.

I am not telling you this to have anyone feel bad for me - I want you to know you're not alone - and reading your story actually made me feel better too.

We all figure out a way to do the best we can - I'm working on learning that it's ok to let a few things go just to have some quality time with my son. Good luck!

Well from my perspective you are feeling like things are out of your control. At least the control you used to have. Control over your house, control over the dog fur, control over your daughter even as she gets bigger and more independant! To me you need to chill out....as you observe yourself. I am not sure how to "let go" but perhaps a project of some kind with your daughter will help. Work on new foods, work on some new skills, or something like that. And as you see "results" perhaps you will start to feel more in control. Personally I would guess your need to keep the house immaculate is just a manifestation of lack of control or self-esteem or something in other areas of your life. Not to mention that pushing your husband's buttons is NOT going to make anyone happier.

I am not a perfectionist. I too work part time and with two kiddos, I choose my ways of having "me time" - workout, computer, telephone, email, photo projects or working on too many projects. One thing I have learned to do is to stay up late one night a week. Most nights I do my cleaning then,....but perhaps this is when you could do other things. And maybe a mommy and baby yoga class on Saturday would be fun? Check your park district.

Relax! Tiem flies by! I was devastated to leave my children while they were little...but as they get bigger you see all the wonderful things they are experiencing by being with their grandparents.

Reading the other responses I had to add two things....
1- If the dog fur bugs you that much, perhaps you need to find a new home for the dog (and I'm an animal person)
2- I worked from home. And as a WOMAN....I still didn't do all the housework then. I would have 1 hour a day perhaps to eat, take the dog in, take the dog out, check the mail, check my email, and then each of the days of the week it was "what will I do with my last 15 minutes?" Some days it was research something complex, read the newspaper, make one of 500 phone calls we always need to make, take an appointment that could only happen 9-5 M-F, and then some days I did the dishes. But honestly, some days I needed to stay in that roll of "Worker" and that's hard when you are already taking a break from your day to sit and use a breastpump!!!!! So yes, keep talking with your husband about how important a clean house is to you....but remember that it's only going to be more difficult with baby #2 (from experience) and oh god the mortgage and utilities and a bigger place to clean (from experience there too!) just you wait. I suggest you figure this communication with your husband and letting go of some control NOW. Best of luck! Enjoy the time! I miss my babies- and they are only 1 and 3!!!!!

L. -

I just had to write to say THANK YOU for writing about this! I know in my heart of hearts that I am not alone (you described my life to a "T"!), but as the days slip by, it's easy to think that other moms are managing much better than me. After reading everyone's posts, I have to say that the most important thing for all of us to remember is that we all need to take time for ourselves, too! If that means a messy house for a few days, so be it! But if we're depleted, we're not able to give our kids or our marriages the enregy they need, either! These posts have been eye-opening to me! I love everything in its place! It makes me feel so much more calm when the house is clean and neat. But at the end of the day, when I look back on my own childhood, it's the time spent with my family that I remember the most. Not the dustless tables and sparkly floors! :) I remember my mom going nuts trying to keep a clean house and do everything and she was always so tired and upset that no one ever acknowledged all that she did. I feel the same way. But I think after reading all these posts I'm going to spend a lot less time worrying about keeping everything organized and clean and more time just enjoying my son's and my husband's company!!! We're all amazing and strong women!!! But we have to remember to take time for ourselves, too!!!
Thank you L. and to everyone else who posted!!!
Hugs,
S. :)

Get a jogging stroller and take the little cutie with you when you run. She'll like the fresh air and you will burn off some stress....I'm a single mother and work 40+ hours a week I know my daily walks feel like a godsend...some days I really don't want to, but I make myself (we walk to the park which is pretty good distance and then I put her in the baby swing and push her for about 10 mins or so and head home). It's amazing the little bit of time outside does wonders for my mental state.

You are definitely not alone... SAHM or working... it is a TOUGH gig and I feel ya'. I just found an incredible website www.flylady.net - it starts slow and gentle... and keeps on going that way, but helps you get it together for all the right reasons and giving yourself all the praise and hand holding you need and want... I like it. Maybe you will, maybe you won't - deep breathe, open yourself up to all the possiblities for success - best wishes as you capably pull yourself out of CHAOS and start FLYing.

check out flylady.net
the ideas is to work on one part of your house each day so that since it is rotating everything stays kept up
i don't use all the tips, but hot spots, and morning and before bed routines really helped me cope.
good luck and remember your happiness is the greatest gift you can give your children

I am a full time working mom too, to a 25 month old toddler so I know what you are going through.

Like you, my husband needs direction in order to do some tasks around the house. Otherwise, he is more than happy to sit in the messiness all day if he could.

I don't like to see clutter, so I go nuts sometimes too. However, through the months I've learnt to just let some things go. We have a huge bin where we keep her toys, so there are toys everywhere during the day, but at night we make her put all her toys away and it's all clean by bedtime. If I see other clutter around the house, I do a little here and there, but I don't let myself go nuts. I tell myself I'll do it soon, and just walk away.

As for household work, luckily my babysitter does some light housework, like laundry and kitchen cleaning. Maybe get a part-time cleaner to come once a week to do the house, so you have some relief on your mind knowing it will be cleaned? My husband does not pitch in much, but I learnt to just let it go, that is how he is (most men are), and just to appreciate him for who he is. After all, I'd rather clean then him, because I know I will do a better job. :o)

As for working out, I found the best time I could do it is before I leave for work. It's tiring to get up at 5am but I know i need to excercise so I just do it. It feels good to know I am taking care of myself and doing something for my health, despite being a busy mom. After work, it's all about me playing with my little girl so I have no time to excercise, and by bedtime I'm so exhausted from her antics!

All in all, you will learn to just let the little things go, appreciate your daughter and husband, and enjoy life more.

I understand what you are going thru. My only child was born 4 years ago. I was a basket case. Until I learned to just let things go. Clean we I could I have to work outside the home 5 day a week 35-40 hours a week. I had to learn to relax no matter what. I found that by being so upset not relaxing and trying to be supermom. I found that my son could pick up on my stress which made him more difficult and needy. I learned to relax by doing small things. Taking a long bath, going for walks,or just going out for a couple of hours. I found my self being less stressful. I also understand about not having a spouse who could afford to let me stay home. I was upset for awhile. But i remembered why I married him and I already new i would have to work. I got over it soon. I saw a lot of my friends struggling with issues about their child father not being there not helping at all. I thanked God for my husband he might not do all the things I feel he should do, but I don't do all the things I need either. I hope some of this helps. Good Luck. If you need to get out to vent. You can e-mail me at ____@____.com And we could get meet.

You are not alone as you can see. I try to get in as much as I can in the morning before work. I do a load of laundry, and load the dishwasher, and get rid of any paper clutter in the kitchen.

I just have to ask about your husband's job. When I worked at home 4 days a week, my husband would continually ask me to drop off clothes, or bring in the car for an oil change etc, and wonder why the house was a mess. Well I was at home to work , and in between I would try to do some things around the house. So maybe you are expecting to much from him, as he is working at home.

Make up a schedule, and see if he can fit in maybe 2 tasks per day. I know that with men you need to be specific with what you want them to do.

Hope this helps.

Maybe you can make an agreement where he does X, Y, and Z in the house and you do A, B, and C. That way you can do half the work you are doing and make him responsible for something.

I know how you feel. I have to try really hard not to be resentful towards my husband. I work by choice, but I also have all of the household responsibilities. He complains about how much "we" spend on groceries or clothes for the kids, etc, but never does any of that stuff. He will also come home and complain about something in the house being messy when I have spent all day trying to take care of other thigs. Or even when he asks me to pick up his dry cleaning or something, it just grates on my nerves. Even though I know I am lucky to have him, he is great with the kids, etc. It's hard not to be resentful of the carefree life. It would be so nice to go off to work in the morning and not worry about arranging childcare or dressing the kids, making doctor's appointments, buying groceries, paying bills, picking up stuff from Walmart, come home at night to a clean house and cooked dinner, clean clothes and then expect sex too LOL! I guess I do have some resentment;)

Anyway, I have kind of accepted that I will do most of the work and it makes it easier to swallow than hoping for him to take the initiative and do something and it doesn't happen. My husband does work longer hours than me so it is somewhat realistic for me to do more around the house, although I am in grad school too and trying to keep up with that is tough.

Good luck, it takes a little settling in period before you get into the groove that works for you.

L.,

As you can see, you are not alone. I think every Mom feels the way you do at one time or another. I'm a FT working mom of a very energetic 27 month old boy and a new 5 week old boy. I'm also anal about the house being clean and neat. I can't stand it when there is clutter or a mess. After our 2 y/o goes to bed, I can't sit down and "relax" if there are dishes in the sink or toys on the floor, or laundry in the washer. It's just the way I am.

Here are some things that work well for me:

1. I will sit down on the couch and watch TV once Jacob is in bed at 8pm. But, on every commercial, I get up and take care of a small chore. Get a load of laundry started, load the dishwasher, scrub the toilet or whatever. My husband will tell me when the show is back on (he's holding/playing with the baby). The next commercial, we switch. I have to coax Rich (DH) along to do this, but it works.

2. We have 2 dogs (German Shepherds) that shed a lot. After some reviews and seeing my sister use hers, I bought a Roomba vacuum that can vacuum for you. Seriously, it's great. And if you get the brush for pet hair, it's fine. It was about $230, but great. I let "Roombie" out to clean while I'm in the shower in the AM and my kitchen is done when I get out.

3. When it comes to dealing with the lack of support from my DH, I'm very upfront about it. If both kids are asleep, I will take the load of laundry out of the dryer, bring it over to the couch and ask him to fold it. I'll go get the bottle of cleaner and a rag and ask him to dust while he's watching TV. I'll gather the garbage from the bathrooms and bring the bag to him as ask him to bring it out to the cans. Or, I'll say "Hey I'm going to go strip the bed and get the sheets in the wash, could you put the new ones on?" Something like that. I don't get angry about it, I just ask him to do things. I have to admit that my husband usually does help a lot. But, there are times that I need to do the gentle reminders as above.

As for resenting the fact that you have to work. I can't say I know how you feel. Sure, I wish my hubby made a TON of $, but even so, I'd probably choose to work. In all honesty, if we scaled back on our lifestyle, I wouldn't have to work. BUT, I love working for myself. I love contributing financially to the household. Again, it's just who I am.

I think if you sit and talk to your husband (not a melt-down) and explain to him the things that you need help with, it may help out. I don't mean a conversation where you tell him what to do, but more that you tell him that you need his help - men love to be the hero sometimes (lol). Tell him how much you appreciate what he does already, but that your have some more needs and just be honest. Pick 3 or 4 things that bug you the most and explain that unless those are taken care of you can't relax. In my case, that would be the dog hair, laundry in the washer and dishes in the sink. At the same time, pick 3 or 4 things that you can try and not be so "anal" about. Ok, maybe 2 or 3 things, Lol.

Anyway, communicate with your DH and try to at least get him to see why you feel the way you do and vice-versa.

Good luck,

T.

I am going to sound a little like the matriarch here, but here goes. I am giving this advise for two reasons, I have a son in the service who I miss very much and would give anything to be able to see him-hense I am kicking myself for all the times I thought I should try to have a clean house when I could have enjoyed myself with them and I would give anything now for him to be back all the time. And I just found out I have cancer. I do not believe it is a death sentence, I am ready to fight it, but it makes me think. So since you have to work, then please forget about how clean your house is and yes hug, hug your baby and play with her.And you are lucky you have parents watching the baby. Plus destress, run anyway, baby would love it!

I know exactly what you are going through! I had to restart work after 6 weeks and I work 5 days a week and when I am on call, I do 12 to 16 hour shifts...I have to pump every two to three hours, sometimes standing as there is no chair..My husband also has his own business, luckily we have two sets of grandparents for our daughter, so we both can go to work and feel she is safe. But like this morning, I got so upset because he put our daughter down and then was watching tv, the dishes were dirty, the trash needed to taken out, there is dust everywhere, the bed was not made..on and on and on...just like your husband, mine is wonderful but I often have to tell him to do things and I do feel like a nag; I work out at work or once I get home - kickboxing and then pick her up; so I can release some of my stress; One thing you have to do is let go...I have, I will not be able to workout seven days a week, the house will not be spotless but this child will only be small for so long, I will only have this moment with her this once, unless guest are coming, I am ok with that; I hope you find that moment, granted, I still have fights w/ my husband about his share of the housework, but I guess we all need reminders:) Sorry if I went on and on, I just read you email, and thought I know exactly what she is going through!

Hi,
I know you got a million responses to this posting but I just have to add my thoughts. Your life reminds me so much of mine! My daughter is currently 14 months old and I work 4 days a week. I too have struggled with my husband to get him to help more. All of the sudden he is finally getting it and helping more- although never really without me asking. I have somewhat decided to just deal with it and know that I will be the primary parent, the primary house cleaner, cook, shopper, etc. It is not worth it to me to fight all the time or be angry all the time. Trust me I felt just like how you described you feel. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to go crazy. But then I see my beautiful baby girl and I know I am doing it all for the best reason in the world!

Some of the things that I have done to try to get by as a working mom but also loving to have the house clean and tidy (otherwise it really stresses me out) are:

Hire cleaning people once a month to do the deep cleaning that I just don't get to anymore

Buying a few Magnificent Meals meal (or meals from Dinner by Design- they are awesome and require very little prep if any)

Schwan's- home delivery of food, a lot of which is quick prep

Using the crockpot for meals that can cook while I am at work (make sure you buy the liners that you can use so the clean up is quick- I can't believe I just learned of them!)

I work really hard during her naps, running around basically cleaning, picking up, or cooking or getting done whatever I can

During maybe two naps a week make sure you workout even if just for a half hour. I too used to workout 5 days a week, I did this for 10 years. So it was soooo hard for me to come to the realization that this was just not possible for a working mom and to just be proud of all I do accomplish as a mom, wife and worker bee- but I figured twice a week is pretty good and better than most people. Someday when my kids are in grade school maybe I can find time to workout a little more, we'll see.

If there is anyway to use the time in your car/train ride to and from work more efficiently? I used to try to open and go through the mail (at stop lights) and make whatever phone calls I needed to make, etc. Not sure of your situation. Plan meals?

Buy in bulk from Sam's/Costco every few months- paper goods, diapers, wipes, etc. This saves some time and money.

We have a golden retriever that sheds like crazy! It is horrible. I dry swiffer every night and really this picks up a lot and is very fast. Rather than wet clean the floors every night, although I do do this every few days (I would love to do it every night, but I am just becoming too exhausted), I go along the floor with a bunch of wet wipes and get the really bad areas (almost all are from the dog or below her high chair). But I at least feel better.

Shop online for whatever you can!

My last thought is that I finally (on a plane ride) found the time to go through a bunch of cookbooks with quick recipes in them. I can send you copies of what I have if you want them? All are really easy and I hope will save me a lot of time but also allow me to have nice dinners for me, my hubby and daughter each night. Now that Kayli is eating adult food I really want her to have a variety and eat healthily.

Know that with time it gets better. I think you just learn to adapt and accept the way things are more and more. At least I hope that is how it goes! Feel free to contact me if you want to talk further! And good luck! You are a great mommy!

I'm in a pretty similar situation. I work 4 days, have 2 boys aged 4 and 1 and my husband owns his own business. Please understand I know moms that are even busier than I am but this is what I do:
Get kids up/ready for school and sitters, take them there
Work all day
Pick kids up, go home and make dinner
Do dishes, laundry, clean house
Do all accounting, etc. for husbands business
Help other moms with carpools, etc. and run playgroup
I could go on, but I won't bore you, I'm sure you're doing the same.......
My trick, and I'm not kidding. I don't sit down. I just keep going. If I sit, I get tired and I'm done. I don't watch TV (don't have time and there's really nothing that great on anyway) I do have a wonderful husband, but he works a lot of hours with his business and even when he's home he has work to do so even though he's physically there, he's not thinking about/doing housework. I know it's kid of a shock to the system, but mens lives (for the most part)don't change that much when we have kids. We do. We have to figure out how to do everything we did before and add more to it. Just try to stay organized and realize that you can only do so much.
Good luck, feel free to contact me if you want to discuss it further
D.

L., (from Paul)

My wife may or may not to respond to this as well since we have the same user account on here; but we are in a very similar situation... only a few years further along. (In fact, I thought she wrote this article in disguise.)

We have an 11 mo. old, I own my own business, we bought a house which stretched us very thin financially, OUR goal is for my wife to stay home and raise the second child (which we hope to have in the next year), she hates her job and started it only temporarily for us pay for our wedding (fwd:4.5 years) she has moved up the ranks and hates it even more, she was just passed up for a job she went to college for because 'she hasn't been in the industry for the last 5 years', thus she further wants to 'get out' of her current job, etc.

Though I hate being classified as a stereotypical guy, there are similiarities in your story and ours. Perhaps your husbands similiarities to mine are: it is a part of how your husband and I were raised, an ADD thing, or simply that since there are so many times we're nagged about something after a while we're numb to it. (like the squeaky stair... it's just something else to do and unless it's seen as a priority, it won't get done.) My wife will have a breakdown of sort or we'll get into an argument and I'll help out for the next few days... or even a week or two. It's not that I stop helping on purpose, it's more so I just haven't made a habit of my change.
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Personally, why things don't sink in? (a)my mind is often elsewhere. (i.e. Didn't you hear me tell you Whole Milk and not 1%?) And (b)hers is often elsewhere when I bring something up. From her angle, she sees (a) as me not paying attention and (b) as I brought up something she was sick of hearing about.(usually business, finances... my stresses.)

Even when the tables are turned, she's not paying attention because it's something she's not interested in. And though it's usually abstract (not dr's appointments, milk %'s, etc.) I think it could be as important.
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And yes, I forget things.
The laundry: I'll bring it downstairs and turn on the wash, and forget to empty it, and sometimes I'll remember to put them in the dryer. (Usually I will remember because I see it as a priority, I don't want my clothes to be moldy.) We've had the arguement multiple times that if I'm not going to finish it, i shouldn't even touch it. (but I usually start it because I notice the hamper is full and I want to do my share or I need clothes. It's something that needs to be done and I say, i'll do it all this time.) So why don't I go back to it? Honestly? There's usually something else I'm doing... spending that 'quality' time with my daughter, checking e-mail, etc. As much as I try to live a simple life, it's impossible with a family.

The business thing:
I spend a lot of time on my business. Especially since I've turned my point of view to an entreprenuer. I've joined an 'idea bank' (i.e. capital investment group) and started another one online. I run a dog services company (pet sitting, waste removal, and the like) and when an employee can't make a job, I have to do it.. usually at night, on weekends, etc. The business is a HUGE stress for me and if I knew we could have an immediate 'better life' elsewhere, I'd drop it in a second. My psychology is configured for me to dislike authority and want to do it on my own; I lasted only 2 years in previous jobs usually because of above problems. I did well in the jobs only because I personally wanted to succeed. Stand behind your husband and tell him to get out and do some netoworking/marketing. Sitting at home isn't going to get his business growing. If he's off networking, he can build the business and then you can stay home. (I do some small business consulting, so if he needs help... feel free to contact.)

I don't know about 'cannot wait to get to work.' Usually people who love their jobs cannot wait to get to work. I've heard more often than not that if you dread Monday, then you're in the wrong job. That's especially true if you wake up Sunday morning and you're mad about Monday.

If you don't like your job, quit. Find something else. There are plenty of jobs if you network and you have a 'can do' attitude. (Most employees are found through knowing someone, rather than advertising.)

I don't know how to get your husband to 'do more, more often.' I am sure he has many things on his mind, too. As my good audio book by Zig Zigglar says 'you can always get what you want if you help the other get what they want.' So be weird for a bit and talk over dinner. Say 'we're going to get it out on the table and share our stresses.' Ask him what's bothering him; what's stressful, what's on his mind, etc. Then you share. Do not say 'you' do this or 'you' do that, it tends to make someone defensive.

Companies have it right. After 3 months, they give a review. Then after 6 months, they give a review. They want to make sure everything is going well and they give you ways to improve that would make things easier in the company.

I often find it funny that couples don't do anything similar. Every few months, why not sit down and say 'how are we doing? what can we improve on? Are there any fundamental things we're missing and how do you think we can get there?'
It forces the communication in a direct, non-offensive manner, so as to not cause arguments and it helps the other open up.

I know when my wife and I have these discussions, it gets a lot more done for me than an argument. I feel like we're building a strong marriage instead of destroying it by fighting / butting heads.

So how do we cope? We haven't found the perfect solution yet, but we usually make some breathing room between us... I don't know if that's the right solution. It seems like over the last few years, little has been solved and we keep growing further apart.

So my suggestion is counseling. Perhaps the weekly reminder of 'do your chores, do the dishes, etc.' will brain wash him into doing it your way.
OR
You can lighten up a little bit and say 'i'll lighten up, if you do the dishes more frequently... not all the time, but more than what you're doing now.' (and then you politely remind him (by a thank you, etc... that way he'll know you know he's putting forth the effort, so thus, he knows you're more relaxed.)

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-Paul

One thing I've learned is that my husband won't do it on his own initiative. I have a honeydo list for him because what I see that needs to be done and what he sees are two different things.

If anything, just make up a chart of the daily chores that need to be done. That way he always has a reference.

And talk to him about it. Something like, 'Honey, you know how anal retentive I am. The house work issue is causing stress for me when I get home and it's the last thing we both want. I was thinking of putting up a chore list so we both always know what needs to be done. That way, when I come home, I don't feel the need to nag you. I happy, you're happy and then we can spend time together as a family.'Or make up your own words.

This really has helped my husband and I.

Well, I am going to tell you what I have learned after many years of being a working Mom. I started out just like you. The only who suffered the entire time I was "a neat freak" was me. Nobody and I mean nobody cared what the house looked like but me. It took a few years for me to slowly let go of my cleaning expectations. It's not as if I like to come home, even now, to a mess but I let it just be. I missed so much time and love and growing with my kids just to look at the house a feel good. My priorities were way way off. Please take a lesson from me. Forget the house and love and grow with your baby. I do not want you to do what I do now, look back with many regrets of what I missed...........and the house is still a mess! Now I just smile and spend time with my husband.

I am only 2 months ahead of you, my daughter just turned 1 and I have many of the same issues/feelings. When my daughter was about 6 months old I had a total breakdown on my husband and he stormed out of the house for hours. When he came home he had a book called "Babyproofing Your Marriage" it was a godsend at the time. If nothing else it makes you realize that there are others much worse off than you and you can laugh at the stories. If you can convince your husband to read it too, hopefully the two fo you can sit down together and work some things out. To be honest with you, it helped us for a couple of weeks to maybe a month and then my husband fell back to his old self. Hopefully you will be more lucky and it will stick with your husband. My husband tries, but we just have different priorities. He just doesn't get that I don't want to go out to breakfast and stress that my daughter is going to have a breakdown. However, I do want him to help me and watch my daughter so that I can sit down and eat a decent breakfast at home. I have learned that I need to tell him what I want him to do and stop being a martyr and try to always do what everyone else wants. I also have finally learned that I can only do what I can do and if that means my house is messy for a night or two so that I can get a decent nights sleep or eat ice cream one night I can clean it the next night.

Good Luck!

L.,

I work full time and have one son who is 3 1/2. I know exactly where you are coming from.

My first bit of advice is to outsource whatever you can. I have a cleaning company come in once a month to help out with the cleaning and I use one of those meal preperation places to help with meals. (You spend two hours assembling 24 meals that you put in the freezer and take out when you need them)

Second. Try to fit in some exercise. This will help you relax. Try hard to let some things go. A clean house is not worth making yourself crazy. Let things go on the nights you are working and catch up on the weekend. It is much more important to spend time with your daughter than to clean the house. This time goes so fast...

As far as you husband goes, try creating a list of things to be done. My husband is much more responsive if I leave him a list of things that need to be done rather than nagging. I don't know if this will work for you.

The last thing I want to tell you is that you are not alone. There are lots of us who sympathize with you. Good Luck!

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to give up running. I've seen people with those strollers(if you can call them that) that you can run with. Also even if you do buy a house it doesn't mean it won't get dirty. We're paying for a house which is bigger & gets even more dirty than an apartment. My dog is a German Shepard mixed with Collie , he sheds a whole lot. We take turns with the vaccum cleaner. We have to clean up after him every other day. It's hard when your child is that young to keep the house clean. I work 5 days a week & have to come home to my 2 kids. My husband works 3rd shift & is usauly asleep most mornings & afternoons. I hope you find a way to get through this.Good luck.