I Can't Help My Son

Besides testing for learning disabilities, you might want to have him tested for being gifted. Some gifted children will display behavioral problems, if they are not in the proper level they should be. Why? They get bored and view school as a "waste," so they don't bother doing the work or studying...Then the grades start dropping, because they don't have the motivation to study. Another thing is that you need to sit down with him a actually talk. You need to find out what is bugging him, because it's more than nobody cares. If he does think nobody cares, then ask him why he feels that way. Just saying, "I care," isn't always enough, because sometimes they don't believe you are being truthful. Also he is a preteen, so you might want to study up on that. Something is happening to make him feel no one cares about him, and you've got to find out what it is. It could be something as "silly" as he feels you are paying more attention to his sister than him.

Have the school test your son for learning disabilities, By law they are required to test if you request. Look up learning disabilities on the internet (Learning Disability Association) and see if your son shows any signs and to familiarize yourself with the different learning styles. If your school does not cooperate find an Advocate to help you. Also, see your pediatrician for a referral for an ADHD evaluation. Many times children with undiagnosed learning disabilities and/or ADHD will act out in order to take away attention from their learning difficulties. Many children with Learning Disabilities are extremely smart, but they need a different approach to learning.

Is he being bullied or is he afraid of someone? Is a teacher picking on him? If you are around during the day and you have the time to participate in school activities or volunteer in his classroom you should do it so that you can observe his relationships with other kids and school faculty. Get very involved in what is going on at school. Maby you and his teachers can communicate via e-mail about class asignments and such. It is also good to let the teachers know that you are aware and involved with what is going on in the classroom, I find that if the school faculty knows that you are involved they tend to show more interest in your child. You can request a conference to meet with the teachers and come up with a plan to help your son.

Let us know how things go.

p.s. In CT the school has 45 days from the date on the letter to start testing. check out Wright's law on the internet, it helps parents understand the law regarding parents rights related to school issues. Also your school should provide you with a booklet explaining the process.

Hi, Im a mother of four and a grandma of six. Iwas reading every detail that you were giving and the answers that some motheres gave you as advice. I have gone through all that at one time or another. I have never taken my child to do any tests with doctors that like to do so many experments with children you have stated that you have besides him a 12yrs old boy and a 6yrs old girl. He is the middle child which as you well know they always feel left out. Middle child always feel left out for no reason at all but many people that have three children have problem like that. I took care of this when he saids " WHO CARES" I tell him I do because I love you very much. When I ask him the next day do you have your homework inside your bookbag he saids yes. Then you ask him are you sure then ask to see it. Tell that education is very important. Ask him also whhat he wants to be when he grows up? then base your answer on the question he answered. One day ask your 12yr old questions about his brother there might be a conflict of him saying who cares about him you never know after all he is the middle child keep me posted if you can.

Hi want to address the "who cares" answer. When he or anyone else says that it is a sign of disrespect of the person it is being addressed to. Always say "I do". Your son needs to learn that he is not an island and what he does has an effect on others. He is not being fair to everyone in his circle, parents, siblings, classmates and teachers, by his difficult behaviour. How would he like it if others in his circle were acting like him. He will have a very difficult time in his adult life if he continues to be so obstinate. Basically he just needs to learn how to have respect for others.

Hi,
Being a parent is hardly ever easy. I would first try to get to the source of his behavior, why is he acting out like this. A counselor at his school could be helpful. If you have one, I would try to make an appt. with him or her to discuss your concerns. If this is not the case, I would call around the community for a counselor and try family counseling as well. It can't hurt. Good luck.

You sound just like me but without the behavior problem. The first thing you should do is have your child test for any learning issues, and also ADD. He might feel frustrated because something else might be going on. you can try having tested through your school system, but I know that they take their time to do it. you can also do it privately prices are expensive but that can give you the peace of mind that you need and will help your son be the best he can be. What does your peditrician say?
good luck

Question...when he says "who cares?" what is your response? I hope your response everytime is "I DO!! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!" I wish I had a magic spell to give you, our oldest is 10 and 1/2 and we have similar issues...he's a day dreamer, bored to death at school and there is no gifted program at our school...even simple things that should take him 5 minutes take an hour because he gets distracted. Check his school bag if you must, does he have a planner or agenda book...I look at and sign my sons everyday. It's frustrating because he's so capable when he wants to be, but I am the parent, it's my job to keep on top of it and pray that he'll get "it" someday....and everyday, especailly when I am my most frustrated I tell him, I'm upset because I love you and I know how capable you are...I do agree with an earlier post that it could be something else, either add or not enough stimulation...maybe he has a learning disability, or maybe it's social...he's being bullied or has no friends...you know your son and you know how long these behaviors have been going on...leave no stone unturned...there's always a reason. My son does better when motivated by something he's interested in or someplace he wants to go. Also joining a sports team or outside group like BoyScvouts hepls my son...he only gets to go when he keeps up on his work...Goodluck!! and you're not alone!!!

Sounds like a perfect candidate for home-schooling or better yet, unschooling. I would suggest you read up on it thoroughly and see if it might be a possibility for your family. Not all children fit into the standard school situation. Most work at school is simply filling up hours, not really benefiting children. An hour of learning at home would likely be far more beneficial than a day of being bored and unhappy at school.

I also wouldn't rule out a food allergy which can affect the brain in this manner. If you need some book referrals just message me.

Most times when a child is behaving this way it can be because he is having difficult keeping up in school or having trouble socially. Is it possible to get him a tutor to help with his work. He may cooperate and be more receptive to a stranger then to you. I would do something before he gets to overwhelmed and gives up completely. Have a conference with his teacher and see how he is performing with his school work. Does he look overwhelmed? I have always felt that when a teacher knows a parent is really committed to finding a solution they will take an greater interest in helping your child. Teachers are so overwhelmed with overcrowded classrooms and parents who either do not care or criticize them for their work. There are some bad teachers out there I am sure but I know there are many wonderful teachers as well but we have to work with them. Most times teachers are available before school or for a short period after school for extra help. Maybe you can set something up with the teacher where he goes in 15 minutes early a few days for some one on one if getting a tutor is not an option. Good luck you are doing the right thing by reaching out!!

take him out of school, send them a letter informing them of you intentions {the only legal requirement for homeschooling in texas) and so it yourself, i also have a very difficult son and i ended up finding this www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com, nd i followed it, they advocate tomato staking, which is where you keep your child within eyeshot at all times, including schooling, so you can stop bad behavior before they do it.
it really really works, you and your child spend all your time together, and you start to enjoy it.
homeschooling is not easy, but its easier than your child being in trouble all the time, and there is lots of people and support in texas {if thats where you live)

have the school district evaluate him through a child study team...go to a psychologist or a behavioral therapist

huh...why don't you seek a family therapist...they are great with this...aamft.org...check out. I would love to give you some ideas but I am not sure if is appropriate to do here.

You son may be suffering from a lack of self-identity (common for middle children) mixed with the usual late tween/early teen angst (who am I? what am I? feelings which are common in this age), and he may then feel like he is worthless (or, at least, unsure of his worth) to the family and to his school community, so therefore, he feels no need to apply himself. I am not a fan of what I call the ADHD revolution. I can bet you that if you test him for ADHD, he will likely test positive for it, even though he may not actually have it. I think teachers and doctors are often overly sensitive on this issue, in part because the fix for it is so easy. And if anyone takes ADHD medication, they will be better at everything they do because the medication does help you concentrate better. So anyone will "improve" with ADHD meds, but it often does not solve any underlying problems. I would not rush to test your child for anything yet. Rather, I would try to tie him into something from which he can draw confidence and acquire skills with time. For example, learning an instrument, getting into competitive sports, or cultivating some other skill you know he has (art, music or singing, writing, chess, whatever). I would also ensure that his environment at home is structured, and the same for his 12 year old sibling, who in the same late tween/early teen category as himself. IMO, that means 10 hours sleep nightly, limit TV and video games or eliminate them altogether on school nights, dinnertime together as a family, and strict rules or hanging out and communicating with friends, with consistent consequences.

By the way, I hope not to offend anyone on my opinions regarding ADHD. I have seen real ADHD and it can absolutely be a debilitating disease. However, since I am not a fan of placing children on long term medication, I am recommending other ideas first before getting involved in the LD/ADHD search, which I often see from other parents as a long and sometimes frustrating process in search for answers.

make sure you aren't sending him the message that you don't have this problem with his brother or sister, If he feels you think they are better children, he will live up to his reputation of being the "bad one". try to keep it positive and make it all about him and his success and the fact that you care about him. Have a meeting with him and the teacher. If you invest time and care into his world, he may come around.

I agree with all that said to get him tested for a learning disability including ADD. Most boys that have ADD have ADHD, meaning they are hyperactive and easily diagnosed. One of my sons has ADD without being hyperactive and he used to say 'who cares or I dont care." When in fact he did care but was overwhelmed. When he was 11 I told the school to test him and they gave me a questionnaire about ADHD. Well I was amazed at how many of his behaviors were related to ADD. He has since tried harder and cares about his grades without meds. Just knowing that he isnt "stupid" gave him incentive to work harder and ask for help.
Forgetting homework that he did is indicative of ADD. Used to drive me nuts until I realized it wasnt him, but his disability. Then I would check every morning before he left the house to see all was in his bookbag. It isnt babying him, just coping with his disability.

he needs help. talk to the school.. he is probably a good kid.. but just behind in school... maybe it;s to hard.. maybe he can talk to someone.. maybe get a tutor.. usually high school kids will help out.. talk to the social services at school.. talk to your son.. it might be hormones too... and he doesn't understand what's happening.. tell him you need him to talk to you.. that you want to help him... but you need to know why doesn't he care? does he hate school?? does he have friends?? is someone making fun of him? is he having trouble learning.. is math to hard?? is reading to hard?? maybe he needs glasses?? you need to talk to him.. and find out what's going on.. if he won't tell you... have the school talk to him... have his dad talk to him... find out what is bothering him??? maybe he needs to change class?? maybe he isn't seeing eye to eye with the teacher.. maybe you can talk to the teacher.. see what she sees?? is she helping him or hindering him.. ... good luck