I Don't Know How I Feel About the 'Other Kid'

Well I think your feelings make perfect sense. When you guys got pregnant you assumed that meant that your connection was a bit deeper. I think your issues are with the guy actually. I mean, the fact he had a second baby while you were pregnant is actually devastating and if you had been his wife at the time it would have been grounds for divorce, it is not that child's fault at all of course, but it is normal that it hurt you. The thing is it sounds like you are deeply emotionally connected to your child's father. Not just because you have a child but because you gave him your heart and soul and now no matter what, you feel just can't get free of your connection to him. I know you will always have a child together, but I had a situation similar in the emmotional aspect. I had to totally disconnect from the guy. I had to tell him that the door for us was closed, never to be re-opened and that it was over. I know for you that is harder bc you will see him because of your son, but you can still make it clear that the boundary line is set that you have a child and are cordial for his sake and that is it. Just saying those words to the guy in my situation set me free girl. I think if marriage were in the cards, it would have happened by now. Even if you think you are the one has been hesistant about it, let me tell you a guy that wants a woman to be his wife will fight with all his might to win her, he won't leave her out in the cold to fend for herself emmotionally or in any other aspect. Sorry, I just want to be honest with what I think because I see so many awesome women passing the chance to have great husbands and lives waiting on some man who just doesn't want to commit. I wish you all the best whatever path you choose!! It is your life of course:) But my vote is , ditch the guy except where it involves your child, and go on and have a great life with someone who will commit!!

I haven't had to deal with this particular issue, but I have had to deal with the stress and depression that accompany a toxic relationship. Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate that for once and for all. I suspect that your feelings for this other child would be mostly resolved once you settle the feelings you have for the father. If in all these years the 2 of you haven't even managed to have a steady "on" relationship (as opposed to "on/off") and you are as unhappy as you describe you should move on. It's not doing you or your kid any good to be stuck in this misery. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sound like you have been through a lot and that you are trying your hardest to keep a happy home for your son. I don't know that you can ever get forget the fact that your sons' father did what he did, but you might be willing to share his father. Try to make a distinction between the actions and consequences. This child never chose to be in this situation and will never fully understand how he even came about with a lot of confusion and mixed emotions.
My situation is not exactly like yours, but I would like for you to consider one thing, and this was the ONE thing my parents asked me to do before I became a stepmom. when I did this, it helped me make a life changing decision.
Although you have a relationship with your sons' father and work together at making sure your son has as happy and has as healthy a homelife you can offer him, how would you feel if the tables were turned on your baby.
It is a hard and painful thought, but it helped me put things into perspective as to what I needed to do for the little girl my, now, husband introduced me to when we started dating. I was overwhelmed by so many emotions as to how to deal with this other part of him. I didn't want to share him, but I also didn't want to be the cause for any more pain for this little girl. I found that I couldn't ever be her mother, but I could love her like a daughter and on those days she didn't want me, because honestly who wants to share their daddy, I could at least be her friend. It has been 13 years and I will always be V. to her, but she will always be a sister to my kids and my husbands daughter.
Her mother and I are cordial, as well, but I did have a talk with her on the matter. We agreed to be as civil as possible for the sake of their child and to avoid any extra trauma on all said parties. Unfortuantly, my husbands' ex-wife has not been as fortunate with her current husbands' daughter and ex-wife, so I have seen and heard of the nightmares they have been through. I'm just glad to know that I have done as much as I can for my husbands' daughter and my childrens sister.

You were betrayed on such a deep level, and now there is a permanent reminder that only grows with time. It doesn't even get smaller and less significant as time passes. Wow. You have every right to feel what you feel; it's not wrong that your feelings are mixed about having to accept this child, who represents a most intimate event between "your man" and some outsider. This was supposed to be a time when you two would experience parenthood (first time?) together and share it with each other and no one else. Not only does he get to share it with someone else, but he also has a connection with someone that you can't even touch. It's not something that the two of you can share. That really hurts...and it sucks.

Unfortunately, that's life. Seek psychotherapy for specific coping skills to fit who you are. Be open to the fact that you quite possibly might not ever "get over it" and be able to be with him without having this between you. Before you go down that road, though, make sure that you open yourself to all options for working it out. Don't make yourself crazy trying to wish away something that's here to stay. Don't take it personally because it wasn't about you. It was about him and whatever immediate gratification he sought at that moment in time, when you two were off and he was trying to determine if he was going to come back to you. We all do things that we regret while we're trying to figure out who we are and where we're going. Be thankful that you were not married, so he did not betray you by breaking that covenant relationship. (Have fun assuming that that never would have happened if you guys had been married.) If this was during an "off" time between you, try to think of it in those factual terms and steer clear of the emotional baggage that accompanies those thoughts. Sometimes sex is just sex, with no emotional attachments. Although the timing is way off, try to think of this child as one from a former relationship/marriage. That's actually what he/she is. ...And your son has to share DNA with someone not connected to you, almost right out of the gate. You don't get to control that part. I'm sure that it would be better if you know going in that he had another little one. This was sprung on you, though, and you didn't get to make the decision to have a child with someone who already had a child with someone else. He took your choice away, along with that feeling of being special to him. If it happened bit by bit, it would make a difference; but you were hit with it all at once, and your senses feel assaulted.

Always be honest with yourself, though. It's okay if you just can't swallow this particular pill. It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

I know that this little boy is a constant reminder of what your husband did, but it is not his fault, he did ask to be brought into this world and he is a child of God and he should be treated as such. It is not fair for him to be treated as a little reminder, you need to see past that and see this child for who HE IS, not for what his parents did. He deserves that. God bless.

I am sending you strength and peace.

Boy you have really been hurt and I can tell you feel betrayed. These are all true feelings and it is good that you recognize that. The thing to remember is that as much as you love your son, the other mom loves her son the same. You would never want anyone to have bad feelings toward your son, she probably does not want bad feeling towards her child. You want to only do what is best for your child and same for her.

This is really all about you and the father of your child. That is where your feelings need to be directed and if possible corrected.
Anger takes a lot of energy from your mind, heart, spirit and body.
I agree you should go see a counselor and work out what your bottom line what are your feelings wants and needs? Then you need to get the father of your child to also go to counseling so you can both resolve this issue and make a plan for your future, no matter what that may be. You can discuss what are options or techniques in letting these brothers have to be a part of each others lives. Make a plan and then you will need to discuss and include the other mother into this conversation.

Marriage is so much harder than being a parent. It takes constant commitment.. To give you an idea... If your home were on fire and you could ONLY save your husband or your child, who would you save?

The answer should always be your husband. Think about that. It is something none of us should ever have to face, but this is the bottom line... You will spend your entire rest of your life with your spouse. Your child will need to leave your home and have his own life (sooner than you can ever imagine). This is how much you must, love, trust and be willing to care for your spouse.

This is more common now than in the past. It does not make it easier, but remember you are not alone.

Addition.... I am in no way saying to leave your child for your boyfriend. I am saying in counseling, they will explain that your marriage is your top priority at all times. This will allow the 2 of you to be the best parents/ partners together. If you do not have this commitment, it is hard to have a marriage once the child has left your home. There have been many times over our 30 year marriage, my husband and I were not able to have a conversation about anything other than the care of our child our work our family or whatever... We could just look at each other and with our eyes, tell each other exactly what we were feeling and how much we loved each other.

kay

let me see if i can put a little light on the subject.
My sister is married to a wonderful man and has a daugthter by him. Her daughter is 26 now.
well once about 27 years ago. Her husband had an afair with my sisters friend. not good. my sister was pregnant and she found out about the other woman. Her husband assured her it was nothing. well the other woman got pregnant and my sister was devastated. now her husband had to pay child support on his new adventure. for 18 years.
Well my sister forgave him and made him step up to the plate and provide for his other daughter. and later on my sister told me she couldn't deprive her daughter of the relationship with her half sister. So she would have the other daughter over for weekends and sleep over. and she grew to love the other daughter as her own. and she calles her mom to this day and they have a good relationship even now.
so if you lay your wants and desires aside and provide for your son the relationship he needs in his sibling. he will love you for it. and not resent you later. you need to look at the big picture, and on in to the future. so they can have that bond now with one another.

hope this helped you

your mamasource friend,
kari

Hi Kay
What a prediciment to be in. It seems to me that this guy wants the best of both worlds- selfish and one that is non commital...not commited to you or the other mom- and does not have sincere feelings for you or your child. This is a very difficult situation and one that you need to decide if you want to continue in or go forward with yourlife and that of your child. It is a no win situation and one that you may never get over as long as you are in the middle of it. Take some steps away- get out of that situation and try to rebuild your life- in a more positive way that will not harm your child emotionally......as the child gets older he will soon discover the sitation and ask questions- some will not be easy to answer........This guy apparently has no intentions of making your situation a permanent one and even so- your lives will always have to include the other child........your choice- what do you want for you and your child.......if you want to remain with this man and raise your child with him then you will have to learn to at least accept the other child and it's mother in your lives. If not- then make a life for you and your child away from that situation and save yourself a lot of lifelong grief.
Hurt feelings and anger will transfer over to your child and it can never be a happy situation. This is a difficult situation and one that you need to take control of ......for your own well being and that of your child........and any other children you may have in the future.
I wish you best of luck and many blessings while you are going thru this.

Hi Kay,
It sounds like you are very hurt and rightly so. But it has been a few years now and you do need to let it go. It is not fair to the children and they are the most important people in this 3 way relationship. It is great that you and the other mom get along. Maybe you both just picked the wrong man? It sounds like you and your son's father are not on the same page for very long, otherwise you would not be off and on again over the past several years of your relationship. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is acceptable relationship behavior? Or would you rather him see you in a stable relationship with someone you love and trust? If you believe that marriage is in your future then you both should seek marriage counceling so you can discuss your anger & hurt issues about the past before you try to close the deal on your future. If he is not agreeable to this, then I think its time for you to move on... and who knows how great your future may turn out? As long as you continue to allow this relationship to manipulate you or should I say (your son's father), the longer and more years will go by wasted. Step out of your comfort zone and explore other options. I hope this helps. Listen to your inner self, because I think you already know the answer. Good luck!

Let me say that maybe you are projecting your anger at the wrong person. That poor child didn't ask to be brought into this sticky situation. You should definitely "rethink" marrying a man that has his priorities messed up. He knocked up another woman while you were pregnant with his child. His irresposibility in this should make you question his thought processes. I hope you think this thing through before you get hitched. I hope that you can see that the other child is just an innocent kid whose Dad made a mistake. Just like your kid. Poor things are in the same situation. Maybe you should dump the man and befriend the woman. That relationship would probably last longer.

I've been through an on again off again situation w/out kids being involved, and what I can tell you from my experience is this: If you're in an on again/off again relationship, you keep going "off" for a reason. Anyone worth your time will treat you so much better than that and never want to leave you for ANY reason. Work on yourself...being who YOU want to be for you and your child, and wait for the right guy to come along later. He's out there, and this on again/off again guy is not him.

My story is similar and different at the same time. I was actually head over heels for my daughter's father, but he was unaware. We were the best of friends, and one night we ended up "together". After that night, I thought we would end up together for sure. That didn't happen. Needless to say, I got pregnant that night. During my pregnancy we were spending a lot of time together, and everything was okay. Then right before our daughter was born, I found out he was also seeing someone else. Then a few months later, I heard she was pregnant. He denied it for awhile. Then right before his other child was born, he admitted to me that he was having another child. I was floored. Even though I knew, I didn't want it to be true. For two years, I did not know who this woman was, nor did I know anything about the other child except that she was born in Oct 99. Since he was military, he left and I didn't talk to him anymore. Once my daughter turned three she wanted to see him again. I got in contact with him, and he came to see her and his other daughter. (She was still in the area) I exchanged info with the mother and we stayed in contact, as did the girls. I never had hard feelings towards the child, but I was peed off about the things he had done for her and not our daughter. I was mad at the fact that I thought we were together because of all the time we were spending with each other. As time has gone by, I have gotten over it. (they are 10 and 9 now) Of course, now that he's back in the US, I'm getting child support from him. Not to mention the fact that he does a lot more for our daughter than he does for his other daughter. But he did go 7 years without paying a dime in support, so I don't feel bad about it. He has told me in the past year, that he was in love with me then and still is. But he was young and didn't know how to express his feelings. Of course he knows it's too late for "us". I'm doing well without him. I'm doing better with his support though. I would say move on without him. You can do bad by yourself!! It will be hard in the beginning, but you are a woman. Women can do ANYTHING, and mothers do it BETTER!!!!

I'm usually one who says once a cheater always a cheater, but I don't think that applies in this situation. It sounds to me like you guys never discussed the rules while you were in an "off" period. Therefore, he wasn't unfaithful. It might bother you that he rushed so quickly into another relationship, but it's not because he was unfaithful, it's because by doing that he demonstrated that you were not as important to him as you thought you were. To be fair, if you were broken up, he had no idea if you were getting back together, if someone came along that he thought might be a special person in his life, there is no reason he should not have explored those feelings. You already knew you were having a child together and had chosen to be apart, so there was no reason he should be condemned for dating. Now, if he does this when you are in an "on again" stage that is totally different. But that's not what your question was about. Here is how I would think about your question: If you adopted your son, raised him and then found out his biological parents had had another child and you could give your son the chance to know his sibling, would you? I ask you that because it puts the situation in perspective without the emotional baggage your relationship with the father brings. If you can learn to think of this other child not as his father's but as your son's, and you think it would be a positive relationship for your son, then pursue it. If you can't, and you bring stress to the encounters, then maybe you should wait until you are ready to have those interactions without the negative feelings, because you don't want your son to pick up on those negative feelings and have it color his interactions with his sibling. It's complicated and messy and I'm sorry you are having to go through something painful. Good luck figuring it out!

Though I have not been in this situation, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It has to be hard. You thought that your boyfriend was exclusive and he obviously was not. An "on and off" relationship is going to set you up for pain. You obviously have strong feelings for this man. Does he feel the same?--All the time? That is what marriage is about.
I also have to strongly disagree with the fire scenario. That is not what marriage is about at all. You should always put the safety and wellbeing of your child first and if this relationship is not safe physically and emotionally for your son, you need to move on. That is not to say that your marriage would be disposable and that you should not work hard to make it work, but you have been placed in charge of a beautiful precious soul who is not old enough or strong enough to fend for himself. That is your priority, but he deserves to see both his mother and father happy in whatever why that needs to happen. A healthy marital relationship to model is a fantastic gift to give your child, but putting your significant other before your child is a dangerous and reckless way to parent.
As far as the other child goes, can you try a just look at him like you look at your own? It is not his fault that he was put in this situation and I'm sure that he is a pretty good kid, since you didn't say anything about behavior problems, but rather that he is just a reminder of your boyfriend's betrayal. That is really what it is. If you can forgive your boyfriend, than this will take care of itself. If not (and I can't say that I could either) then this will always be something that you struggle with. Bottom line is that it is not the boy that is the problem. It is your unresolved feelings, only you can do something about that and I would suggest counseling to help guide you through the process. I can't imagine the pain that you must suffer when dealing with this. Best of luck to you.

First of all, forget for a minute any issues with the fact that your ex has another child. If you two are always on again off again, something is wrong with the relationship. It's not good for you and confusing for your child. Sometimes dad loves mom, sometimes he doesn't. If you can break it off, but remain friends for the sake of your son that would be best. It is obvious, you are not his priority. He comes and goes as he pleases, knowing you will take him back. This is keeping you from moving on with your life and wasting precious time on a man who didn't choose you over her. You need to make peace with your decision and move on. There is a man out there who will love your son as his own. Find him and make a happy life for the both of you.

It sounds like there is a lot of unsure situations going on in your life.Get your relationship right with your boyfriend.either you love him or you dont.If you marry him can you deal with the fact that he had an affair.This child will be a reminder and thats not fair to the child.Me,I couldnt live that way. M. D

Its ok. Try to refocous your anger towards the situation of you and the father not being at a good point as far as your relationship. Your really angery with the father and yourself for not being in a commited relationship on BOTH parts. I dont know for sure but I think this is what God had in mind when he said be faithful and those comandments. They had a point. He wanted us not to be angery with innocent chrilden. I dont mean to sound harsh at all just the facts. Most importantly its up to you to forgive the situation. It might be hard but thats just a kid. Try your best to let it go but if you cant be angery at the unfaithfulness that happened not the kiddo. God bless. I truly hope the best for you and your stiuation.

The child is not the problem, either is the other woman. The problem is the man who caused all the worry. Be very careful because you will also have his baggage with you if you do get married. He I hope is pay child support for both children, if not he should be. Do that before he finds someone else to have another child with.

Kay, you have to decide what's right for you, BUT this child didn't do anything wrong. How can you NOT have issues with the childs mother and still have issues with the child. I understand that the child is a living breathing trophy of your "on and off" boyfriend. Sounds liek your doing it on your own anyway. It's up to you, but remember that your some will resent you keeping him away from his sibling. That's just my 2 cents.

Sometimes reality sucks! Your joy is that wonderful little boy of yours. Your email title is distressing to me. This is a tough road you have to walk and the way you handle yourself will influence your life, the life of your child and the life of the other child. You are wasting your emotional treasure on this man. Your anger is directed at the wrong male. The two boys are the innocent victims here. The other little boy is going to come in and out of your life. Whether you like it or not he is your son’s half brother. You are an intelligent person and I suggest you seek professional help. I’m not a professional, but if I may, I would like to share what I know about this sort of betrayal. There are some very shallow men who have to constantly feed their tiny image of themselves. There are varying degrees of this sort of man. Sometimes it is only a mid-life crisis when the man gets to be around 40. For some men it is worse. They have such immature warped egos that they have to have all the women wanting them in order to feel like a “real man”. This leaves little room for any real love to evolve. They have some kind of arrested development. There seems to be more of this type of man around right now or maybe women are not as equipped to deal with them today. In their pursuit of this ego stroking, these men leave behind and create all sorts of painful situations for the rest of us to deal with. (And people call women Drama Queens?) Example 1: My daughter met such a man. He traveled quite a bit for his line of work. He married my daughter and got her pregnant. When she told him she was pregnant he said abort the baby. She could NOT. Then she found out that he had another woman on the side that was also pregnant. That woman was not married to him, and she decided not to have the baby. The other woman ended the pregnancy by having an abortion. When my daughter got to know the other woman, they both discovered there were yet other women. Example 2: I have a friend who after marrying a man and having a son with him; found out that he had a son by another woman. She was devastated by this news. Then she found out that the ex-girlfriend lived around the corner and the husband was “helping” her. Now that the other boy is in his teens he just shows up on the door step every now and then to remind his father that he needs him too. The children go to school together, but they don’t know they are related. This is awkward. This is life. Things like this happen every day. My friend has done what she can to help the other boy know his own father by working things out with her husband. The marriage has been on shaky ground because of all this. My point is – don’t take it out on the boy. And look out for your own heart with this man because he may not be a stable man. I hope this is helpful in some way. Good Luck! Focus all your love and divotion on you and your son. Finish school you have an amazing career waiting for you.

I know you have gotten alot of advice. Some of it is good and some of it I do not agree with.
The one in particular that I do not agree with was the statement saying "that in counseling you will be taught to put your marriage above your child"
You do need the help of a counselor but if you are given that advice I would run for the door. It is not a one or the other deal. No one should ask you to put them over your child. And you are not married. So you should for sure never put some man over the welfare of your child.
That said.
You are transferring your feelings onto the other child. It is normal and common but unhealthy for you and both of your children. Until you get to the bottom of your feelings with the guidance of a good counselor you will not see that you are doing this.
Advice I can give about the child as someone who is a teacher and must try to accept and like all the students I am given. I pray for God to show me things that He loves about that child. Why is that child special to Him? How would I want my child to be accepted and treated?
BUT you do not have to accept this situation at this time. If you do not feel that you can, then don't. I however would look closely at how you are able to accept this man that betrayed you and his lover, but not a child who never did anything to you or to deserve this whole deal.
I know you can not see it now, but there is a better deal out there for you. You are not valuing yourself enough. You deserve better and so does your child.
Believe in yourself, you are doing alot of good things for yourself and making alot of good choices. There is probably counseling available through your college. Check it out.

Well, the only way you can look at the other child is with loving eyes as a creation from God. He is not to fault in this and perhaps you might want to look at your sons father thru another set of glasses.

You sound like a loving woman who is trying to get her education and raise her son. Find yourself a man who will Appreciate you and your child. On again/ off again relationships do not stand the test of time and you have already experianced some of his non-committial behaviour.

Prayer consider your choices and then make the right one.
God bless you

Hi Kay,
Tammy B. summs it up ALL.Everything i wanted to tell you.I'll just add that you need to get a back bone when it comes to this looser and say NO MORE and mean it. RElIZE hes not making you or his son a priorty.Thats NOT a man.A man is someone who looks out for his own and he hasn't made nor wants to make yall his own. When you finally decide you've had enough, hes gonna sweet talk you give you gifts and anything and everything he can to to keep you on a yoyo. Soon the honeymoon stage will be over and up and down you'll go.Remember YOU are your sons main parent since his father not dad won't grow some cohones and stop his teenage actions. you have to be the one to show this little boy that bad behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Be STRONG and you'll live STRONG.
There ARE goog MEN out there some times you have to date a little longer than you like, but datting is the key word not let you physical emotions get the best of you and wind up in bed.Any Man who is willing to date you knowing you have alittle one and is willing to wait for you with out pressuring you is a keeper. Get over this guy and make new friends and you'll see there is a better life.I know all this because i was once there.I finally found my prince dated him for 5 yrs engaged for 2 and was married last july.
Life is BLISS. you can have it too.Sounds like your starting on the right track and going to gradute school.CONGRATS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Kay,
I am somewhat confused - you seem to get along well with your ex and the mom, but hold resentment for an innocent child. It is understandable for you to be angry with your cheating ex and his co-conspirator (Mom to 'the other kid') but your child's sibling did absolutely NOTHING to you or your child. You should lay the blame where it belongs and not on an innocent toddler. If you can overcome your anger at your ex then I am absolutely positive you can look at a young child and realize that you have nothing to be resent that child for. I come from a difficult divorce with bitterness all around. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not stay involved with this man unless you are ABSOLUTELY SURE you can treat this child as well as your own. Otherwise you are only going to hurt two innocent children who did nothing wrong - your son will notice if you treat his sibling poorly. If you don't stay with the Dad then you don't have to worry - your son can see his sibling when he visits his Dad and you are out of it.