I Dont Know Whether to Breathe Fire or to Cry.

Hi Molly,
He asked you because you are, as his wife, the logical first person to ask. Next would be his dad.

I ask my husband once did he make a remark that my sister said he did and he laid into me too! I still hear about it until this day and I later found out how big a liar and trouble starter my sister can be. Cut him some slack he knows better, he just had a moment...

I'd be pissed too. Just being honest here. My first thought would have been identify theft- this happened to my younger sister. Second thought would have been dad with the same name. Wouldn't have even considered my husband as an option.

Maybe to confirm what he suspects already, before he calls Dad and says Hey your card is showing up on my credit report. Or before he calls the credit reporting agency and complains he wanted to verify what he ASSUMES to be TRUE so that he doesn't look like an idiot if you DID.
I just don't see why you are so upset. I keep all the records on this stuff in our house, and if I pulled stuff up and something came up, I would ask my husband. Not b/c I don't trust him, but to reaffirm what I know before I freak out on somebody ELSE. To cover my bases.
Relax. Please. He meant no offense, I'm sure.

Why would he ask you? Because you are his wife and he thought you would talk to him without getting upset.

Good luck to you and yours.

I think he just needs to ask because if he's going to fight it he needs to be sure you didn't do it. Then he needs to dispute the charges and file for ID theft and do whatever he can to prevent crossover from his dad. He was probably just trying to think of who would have his info. Was he accusatory or just wanted to know? If he was yelling at you about it, then you should talk to him about trust.

I think it is your PMS:-) It sounds like he was asking you/not accusing you of foul play. Didn't you ever just ask someone for a confirmation even though you were 99.99 % sure what their answer would be? Sometimes you ask anyway to hear the answer you were expecting. He was probably confused by seeing the charge and instead of just telling you about it, he worded it as a question.

I think he asked because he wanted to make sure it wasn't you. He knows it wasn't him. Now he'll probably ask his dad. I don't see the big deal.
Now...if his tone was accusatory or nasty...then I might be upset.

Honestly, If that happen to my husband and I, the first thing I would do was check with my husband before complaining to the credit agency. I'm sure he was not blaming you. He was most likely just checking with you before going ballistic over someone using his identity.

Why are you so defensive?? I do all the financial stuff for the house and if my husband saw that the first thing he would do was call me and ask me about it, I'd say no, then he'd go through the steps of getting it taken care of. You said he called and asked you about it, not that he called and chewed you out for doing it so I don't see where the defensiveness is coming from? If you were posting the question from the other end I'd be hard pressed to not say "well he's being defensive for a reason.." Oh, and he'd ask you something like that because you are married that that's the most logical thought process to follow: Make sure it wasn't from your house, then go to report it.. how stupid would it be if you had done it (maybe as a surprise trip for him?) and he just assumed "you'd never do that" and he reports it as negligent when it's not.. just saying I think you freaked out over nothing.. You should be more concerned someone took out a LOC for $3500 in your husbands name.

I really don't get what you're upset about. If I had something go on financially or in the household that confused me, I'd of course ask my husband first. Maybe he thought it was something that you two agreed on that he forgot about or something that was a different debt that looked liked a credit card. He'd look kind of stupid if he started asking about something and then found out that it was something that the two of you had agreed on that he forgot about. I would take it as a common sense due diligence check before researching further.

Have some wine or take a nap or go for a run or something - this is not something that should upset you, really! Chalk it up to a bad day, do something that makes you laugh and move on.

I would totally ask my guy if he did that. Only because if he did (like for x-mas gifts or trying to do something secret for my bday/anniversary or something), I would feel relieved it was him and not some stranger ruining my credit. It's not that I don't trust him, it's a reaction to ask the ones closest to you to make sure you have to fight or not.

Maybe he thinks you had purchased something for Christmas?

My hubby would do it too. He doesn't think that I am stealing or hiding things but he would be really excited if there were a new creditcard opened and then a GMC Sierra parked in the driveway on Christmas morning.

Really I would find out if it is your FIL. Hubby isn't accusing you of anything. And now his big surprise, or what he thought was, is all ruined.
:o(

He asked you because your his wife... Your overreacting. Unless he accused you, I instead of simply asking I think you owe him an apology.

Hi,

I know your upset and all,but I think you overreacted. He was simply asking you about it. Do you know anything about it? If it were me, my hubby would be the first one I would talk to and ask what do you think happened etc. Not accusing in the very least, but gaining info about how to go forward-who to call etc. Give him a break--he was just as shocked as you. Take care- M

Don't credit card companies ask for your SSN?? How can they get them confused? ( I honestly don't know)

He just asked honey.. dont cry and dont breathe fire! I bet (from how you put it) he was just asking... Maybe he is like me and asks in order of easiest to hardest to deal with?? lol

ETA Victoria put it better lol

If he didn't ask you in a blaming tone, then he was just asking to clear out that possible solution.

I can hear your shock and dismay. But guys' brains just don't work in the subtle, emotional realms that women use as they weigh and balance information. He wanted a practical answer, so he asked a practical question.

I imagine he would have been shocked and dismayed if you had admitted to the charge. He more than likely expected you to simply say no, so he could move on to the next item on his checklist. There is, almost certainly, no intended offense to you. If you tell him your thoughts about this later, I'll bet he'll be genuinely surprised.

I'm sure he meant no offense-I hope you can let it go.
Just the way society is, people are involved in fraud, adultery, gambling, and every other kind of evil you can think of. Even when you trust completely, doubt TRIES to attack every marriage, even when in your heart you trust, and know your spouse is completely worthy of that trust. It would be a shame to let this cause a major rift in your marriage.

You should not breathe fire or cry. You said that your husband and his father have the same name so there in lies the problem.

I checked our bank accounts one day to find a charge that I didn't think hubby made but asked. It turned out that someone had used the card to charge items and caused our account to go in the red. I immediately called the bank and they suggested a police report to cover all the bases since this happened out of state. All got cleared up and the account card was changed and nothing has happened like that again (fingers crossed).

Things happen but it is not the end of the world. Choose your battles clearly and don't sweat the small stuff. Besides you should have known that it wasn't yours since you two have a dislike for credit cards. Have a good weekend and DO take a glass of wine and chill.

The other S.

Do you think it was poorly chosen words on his part? It's not a bad idea to check before calling the credit agency or credit card company even if he knows what he's asking is not likely. It would be something I'd check to make sure before following through but I hope I would lead with something like, "I'm just checking just incase I'm overlooking something obvious....." I can see why you're offended but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I always ask my husband about things before I call and make a complaint such as "Did you charge this on the credit card?" It's information he would need to know before he called the creditor to be absolutely sure it was not something he is responsible for.

I can understand why you are upset, but I think you overreacted. Obviously its a huge charge and one he wasn't expecting to see. Asking you is the obvious choice.

We had a credit card and bill show up in my husband's name. I happened to open the bill and was like 'um. When did you open a xxx card?' Turns out he hadn't. Someone else had used his stored store info to apply for one. So he called up the card company, asked when the charge was made, in a different state!. So then he had to go and clean it up, the store put a note on his credit report, etc.

I would probably talk to him and let him know that your feelings are hurt, otherwise this will fester.

Hugs.

Let's attribute it to temporary non-thinking language usage. That sounds impressive, doesn't it?

He should have said, "Honey, I just found out that I owe money on a credit card we don't even own. So I have to touch ALL the bases, just to be able to say I've done it: you haven't taken out a credit card, right? [Incredulous laughter from you.] No, I didn't think so. Well, I can cross you off the list. I'll call Dad next. Just another adventure!"

I hope he is checking it out thoroughly. Hopefully, the matter can be tracked to whoever is misusing his name and taking your money.

Look at this incident the way you look at the directions they give you for trouble-shooting your washer or dryer when it won't work. The first instruction probably is: MAKE SURE THE APPLIANCE IS PLUGGED IN. That's a no-brainer, too, but they have to write it.

If I got a credit card bill for $3500 you better believe I would be calling my husband and asking him if he got a credit card! Not because I don't trust him, but because I need to know! If he didn't then I would need to get on the phone with the credit card company. And you know the first thing they would ask? Did your husband/wife open up a line of credit? And you wouldn't know unless you asked. Don't take it personal.
L.

B/c it is a natural reaction to ask that question of you. Just chill out and move on. Don't make this into something it's not. If you are going to turn this into whether 'he really trusts you or not', it is going to get ugly. As you said, he asked he didn't accuse.

I vote for PMS! :)

Now go figure out if it is something of your FIL's or not...that is the important thing.

He asked you because us women like to shop so even tho he probably *knew* you wouldn't do that, you would be the likely person to ask first about it. I wouldn't be so upset. My ex husband is a JR and his dads crappy credit was always something we had to deal with as well. Don't be so upset with hubby. Good luck!

He had a brain fart. Give him a dope slap, then a hug and put it behind you. So many of us do stupid things every now and again!

My grandpa was Senior, my dad juinor and my brother the third. Things like bank accounts and mail always got confused. You hubby needs to use Jr and or his middle intial as a part of his legal name. Even though they have different SSN things will get confused.
One day when my son was about 6 I took my daughter in for a check-up and figured since we were there I would ask them to check my son's immunization record to be sure he was up to date. Luckily I did because there was another patient, who was 18, but had the same name as my son and their medical records were all mixed up. The clinic had filed them as one patient instead of two. From that time on I always made sure to use my son's middle intial with everything. And even though my son is now 34, he still finds this other guy's stuff on his credit report and so forth, so he is still using his middle intial for everything. Mix-ups happen.

I don't think your hubby was accusing you of anything, it was simply logical that he ask you first. Hopefully it is his dad credit card and no one stole his identity.

I don't know how things work in your state but here in Wisconsin a married person can not apply for a credit card or delayed payment plan unless their spouse is informed of this application. A letter is generated when they fill out the application.

Are you serious??? It made you this mad? He is supposed to ask you, just like the police are supposed to rule out certain people. If some woman came to you and said that she is having an affair with your husband, would you ask him about it? Would you find out from him--before either dismissing it or pursuing for further explanation--if he knows anything about it, just to be sure?? When somebody tells you that your kid did something that sounds ridiculous to you, would you just go crazy on that person, or would you first check with your kid to see if there is any validity to the story?? He is covering his bases. Now, he can move forward figuring out what's going on.

Girl, you are trippin'.

He didn't accuse you. You're his wife so why WOULDN'T he ask you? When he does his follow up on figuring out what's going on, he has to be able to honestly say he covered all of the bases. It doesn't mean that he really believes that you would take out a credit card in his name and rack up $3500 and not tell him. It just means that he HAD to ask you.

You shouldn't have lit into him like that. You were being overly sensitive and it comes off as "looking for a reason to be offended."