I Feel like a Failure!

My only suggestion is to have a drink when they go to bed! Those are tough ages, and with 2 kids, there's about a zero chance of things being easy and running smoothly. I know how you feel, I've gone to bed plenty of nights crying because of the struggles with my kids. They arent bad kids, but being a mother is really a tough job. I just keep thinking, millions of women have done this, so there's hope for me too! But seriously, I do have a nice alcoholic beverage somtimes after I put the kids to bed. A drink, a book, and some quiet time usually makes me feel better!

Hi N.-

Oh sweetie, you sound really stressed and in need of a break, first of all. See if you can get a half a day away from the girls for yourself. Even if you can manage to go grocery shopping alone, take a few minutes to breathe.

OK, as far as the other issues with food. I have always been a person who doesnt stress too much over food. By 12 weeks both my children were basically eating what we had for dinner. If, of course, they were able to eat it. I cut down on my salt in the cooking, but at 12 weeks my kids were eating things like tilapia vera cruz and chicken piccata. The other philosophy I have is, these are the meals, when you are old enough to get your own food, you can choose what the menu is. And this is not a drive through window. Meals are served at meal time, snacks at snack time. THAT'S IT! If you dont want to eat, no sweat. But you aren't getting anything a half hour later, and I do not make special food. I try to make sure 3/4 of what we are having to eat is acceptable to my kids. I dont expect them to eat calves liver and brussel sprouts for dinner. However, because of their exposure to food so early and my rules, my son, now 3, eats everything I put in front of him and will try anything at least one time.

I say make a new rule, here is the meal, this is when its served. Have at it, or go hungry for now.

Please remember, NO child in middle class America has ever starved. They will get with the program when they realize there is no choice. If you want to give them some illusion of control, ask whether they would like mac and cheese or cottage cheese with pineapple for breakfast. But, that's it. If they argue that they want chicken and rice, calmly say Im sorry but that isnt on the menu for breakfast today. Mommy's job is to make sure you eat properly. You need a balanced diet, so I will decide the choices from now on and you can choose from them. We need to make sure your little bodies grow properly. Then close the discussion and explain they can choose from the choices you gave, or you will choose for them. Give them 30 seconds to choose and if they are still whining, choose for them and STICK TO IT. consistency is the only way you will tackle this bad habit.

Lastly, just take a breath with the little one and don't give in to walking around the house with her. If she has to get up and walk, she will. Especially if it's to find you in the other room. Either that or she will crawl there.

Best of luck to you, please let me know if you need some support. You are NOT a failure, just a Mom trying to make your way through this crazy world of parenting. We all feel like that sometimes.

Your rambling sounds like a relative of mine....and it must be very frustrating at home. The only thing I can suggest (and I am sure you will hear it from other moms) is to keep your schedule strict!! Three meals a day, with a snack or two in between. Period. The end. Don't go around feeding your kid all day long bits & pieces just so they eat. All you get is a demanding little person who thinks they RULE you & their home.
Now my relatives' kids act out with food - throwing it & eating all over OTHER people's houses, because they were not taught at home that their behavior is unacceptable. No longer are these kids invited to our homes for meals b/c of this....
Breakfast lunch & dinner are meals to be eaten sitting down, in the kitchen/dining room, with family, not all day long, anywhere or anytime they want.
Once this becomes normal, then snacking isn't a big issue. We snack in the car, or after a nap.
And just b/c a child can't communicate & is shrieking & yelling, doesn't mean you have to thrust a nipple in her mouth. She is then associating food with neediness....NOT a good idea, especially in girls!!
I suggest leaving the house after breakfast, going to the park or a gym class or somewhere where the girls work up an appetite. Then at lunch they will eat. or if they fall asleep on the way home, they can eat when they wake up.
Feed them whatever they eat - that is ok. Mac & Cheese at 9 am isn't a crime. But getting whatever they want just b/c they are yelling & can't talk yet can lead to bigger issues later.

Just my experiences with this....

Let me start out by saying you are not a failure! We all go through it some time or another and yes it is exhausting, but know you are not alone.

One thing you need to remember is that YOU are the parent, not your girls, so YOU know whats best for them. They know their boundaries, so if you allow them to yell and scream and then give them what they want, they will continue to yell and scream.

As far as the eating thing with your two year old. She should be eating 3 meals a day and 2/3 snacks a day. I have a two year old as well. Before he can have any type of snack in the morning he has to eat breakfast. I give him two choices for breakfast (i.e oatmeal or waffles) so he feels he has some control over what he is eating. If he doens't eat breakfast, then he doesn't get a snack later on, he has to wait till lunch to eat. If he eats breakfast then he can have ONE snack later but not too close to lunch time. Sometimes he doesn't get a snack before lunch, b/c he has eaten breakfast alittle later and the snack would interfere with him eating lunch. My son has been asking for things then doesn't eat them also. For example, he would ask for a waffle for breakfast then eats one bite and doesn't want it. He doesn't get a snack until he eats his waffle and if he doesn't eat it by lunch time, then he has waffle for lunch. this has taken a couple of times for him to realize he has to eat what he asks for. Now it's not a big problem anymore. Once you stop the snacking, she will eventually eat at meals. She WILL eat when she gets hungry, she's not eating meals b/c she is snacking all day. Tell her the kitchen is closed!

Now, as far as the nursing issue, I can't help you with that b/c I never nursed my son. But when she wants something make her try to use her words. Tell her to use her words to tell you what she wants, if she doesn't try then walk away. Do not acknowledge her behavior. Wait till she stops screaming and try again. Tell her to say please or use the sign for please. Do not allow screaming to get her way. Stay consistent and calm. She will eventually get the hint that she has to communicate with you calmly before you will respond or give her what she wants. Be patient it will take some time.

The napping thing. Yes she needs to be on some type of schedule, it will help her know what comes next. If you notice her getting tired and irritable lay her down. If she becomes irritable later in the afternoon and she needs a rest, allow her to lay down for thirty minutes, so it doesn't interfere with bedtime. It's hard to tell you what to do b/c I dont' know what her schedule is now. You are more than welcome to contact me and I can give you better advice once I know her personal schedule.

I have been a nanny for many years and have been working with children for over 20 years, so please feel free to contact me. You can do this, these are easy fixes as long as you stay consistent!! Good luck and remember you are NOT a failure!

I feel for you on the napping problems--I remember when my (now 3 year old) daughter went through that transition and it was tough! I'd see if you can get her to take one longer nap, maybe earlier than you'll eventually do it. For instance, at our house nap is at 1:00, but when she was going from two naps to one, I put her down at 11:30 or 12. Then I gradually moved it later. She napped from 1:00-4:00 every day until she was 2 1/2, at which point she dropped her naps altogether :( but now we do an hour of quiet time while the baby naps.

As far as the eating, if your kids want foods that are reasonably healthy but at strange times, I think that's okay. They don't know that macaroni and cheese isn't "breakfast" food. BUT I wouldn't be catering to their every eating whim. I saw this on Supernanny once. She made a box of snacks for each kid (you'd probably only do this for the older one) and put it in a place they could get to. Each day, Mom would fill the box with snacks that the children could have that day. So maybe it had a pouch of fruit snacks, a ziploc baggie of pretzels, some raisins, a juice box, etc. Then, once the snacks were gone, that was it for the day. So it would obviously take some preplanning on your part BUT it transfers the responsibility to get the snacks onto your child. And she knows that she isn't getting anything else except for her regularly scheduled meals. Maybe that would work for you.

The only other thing I'd try to do is have all meals/snacks at about the same times each day. That way my kids are usually hungry when it's time to eat. And sometimes kids just don't eat, and that's okay too. But by offering additional options when your child WON'T eat, you are just teaching her that if she holds out, she can get something else. I think it's important to say that this is what we are eating, and you don't have to eat it, but you aren't getting your own custom-made meal, either. And in our house it's no dessert unless you eat your dinner. :)

Good luck to you! I know this is a challenging time!

Get the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood- Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years" by Jim and Charles Fay Ph.D. It will save your sanity and help you to enjoy being with your children again. It offers very simple solutions that work almost rigth away. It will give your kids all kinds of choices to make them happy and keep you in control and having fun. I have 2 year old twin boys and a 5 year old and it has made a huge diference in our household. I cannot recomend this method highly enough. You might be able to find it at the library, but if it works you might want to buy a copy to keep on hand when you have a new issue. I think it only costs about 14.00. You can order a copy at loveandlogic.com

You are NOT a failure, you're a MOM!! Hang in there, you'll find your way
C.
WAHM

In short, get them BOTH on the same schedule! I have seen this time and time again, mothers drained from allowing their children to run the house and schedule. You are not a short order cook, you are their mother. Your schedule may differ but just to give you an example. We do breakfast at 8, lunch at 12,(nap at 1) snack at 3....dinner varies a bit. You just have to figure what works for you. But please don't let them run your day! Children can be such a blessing when they are properly viewed in the home. I have been a mother for 13 years and frustrated over many things but never because they are eating all day and on different schedules running me ragged (barring infancy/newborn) You said you have a bunch of issues but in my opinion it is just one. You need to quit letting your children run your day and you start calling the shots. Please start now while they are little! Trust me if you wait your teen years will be HORRIBLE! BLessings to you and I hope you have the courage to take charge of your 2 wonderful, precious gifts from God!

sounds like you are experiencing what most moms do. children are demanding and the fact that you are busy and feeling ragged probably means you are giving it your all and doing a good job.
2 1/2 is a good age to start saying no though. don't feel guilty about it. create an eating schedule and stick to it even if your little one protests at first. some days will always be rough but sticking to sleep and eat schedules can help. don't let your 14 mos nurse all day either. you are not a pacifier, she can fill up from food. in no way am i saying stop nursing but nursing on schedule will help you out

Hi N.

Sounds like you just had "one of those days". It happens. We all go through them. And I don't know a prefect mom. We do our best every single day for our children.
It sounds like you need some structure in your day. Sit down and write down a schedule that would work for everybody. Sit the children down and explain this is how it's going to be from now on. They understand perfectly what you're saying. For now they just want to do what they want. they'll test you but they really want boundaries. They feel safer that way.
"Breakfast is at this time, you have 20 minutes to eat then I clean up. Whoever doesn't it has to wait until lunch." Trust me they will be ok until the next meal. "this is rest time. You sit and read book, you go to sleep and mommy does..." Reinforce it every day. Give them incentive for following the new rules: park, play doh, painting, pool, baking cookies, etc...
Put your foot down, girlfriend! Because YOU're in charge, not the kids!
;-)
S.

First, don't worry too much over the snacking. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she snacks non-stop. I am actual happy that she does. I do not want her to join the clean-plate club... Not that you are doing it that way, but if they get into the habit of eating small meals more often, chances are they will have a healthier weight. I am all for that since I am overweight! Just keep doing what you are doing... you are doing a great job. I don't want to belittle your deliema... but you are lucky to have just a snacker. We actually laugh about it. My daughter grazes our plates for our food, but plays with her food. Kinda like my husband. We caught him picking off my MIL (his mother's) plate! He does it to me and his mom... LOL! We think our daughter is part dog since she sits and begs for things off our plate.

With the shriking -- my son started this horrible whining... non-stop whining. I was about to sell him to the zoo to live with the monkeys. My friend told me to say anytime he whined "I'm sorry but I cannot understand you. You have to speak to me normal." This helped out a ton! He has stopped the whine! And when he tries it once in a while, I pull out that sentence. Works like a charm.

The nap might need to be longer. The fighting will keep going. Don't give in.

BTW you are doing a great job! Keep it up!

Good luck!

So many responses were really good here N..

We all feel like we are doing something wrong at some point or another and your girls do sound normal.

I think there are a lot of changes you can make. It depends on you and what you are willing to do. I have one 6 1/2 yr old but remember that I made choices in the first years that I thought were best for both. He needed structure and a schedule. I don't think being 100% strict all the time is a good idea. But lets say 90.

Here are my suggestions:

First they will eat when they are hungry. Have three meals a day as normal and sit them down to eat. Have snack time mid morning and one mid afternoon. That is it. If you are out plan for that meal or snack while you are out. I didn't want a "grazer" it sounds like you have one. If you are ok with it than that is fine! For me I didn't want to be cleaning and serving 24/7. They may protest but if this is something you want to do stick to your guns and tell them eat when its here or you have to wait till next meal. After a day or so they will understand it and lets face it, they will not starve. They may tell you they are (they say it all) but then at the next meal they will eat! It really only takes the first day for them to get it. This has worked so well for so many friends who have asked me how I get my son to eat when he is suppose too.

The mom that said play for 20 mins then go about getting your things done...good advise. Get your children into an activity for a while then you go and do something. Having them play with each other. Super Nanny has said that a lot and BTW that is a great show to watch for help and her book is a good help as well as the First Years Series for your childrens age. It helps with food, nap etc issues.

Napping I did what another mom said also. Your taking a nap and that is that. I told my son you don't have to sleep but rest. First thing you know they are asleep. I didn't lay down too only because then I feel, for me that I was creating him to be dependent on me to rest. Soft music maybe half of the schedule you do at bedtime like story, drink etc. I would also give them a light wash in the sink. Luke warm water on a cloth (no soap) do their faces, arms and hands. It feels good and they get a bit of a cool feeling. Once in bed they will get warm and first thing you know they are asleep. Warning on nap time 5 mins prior is good. Doing a nap schedule and little things to prepare them helps a lot.

Your not a failure, they are healthy, cared for and you love them. That is 100% success.

All my best to you...I hope these tips of what I have done help you.

A. B

You shouldn't feel like a failure - always remember that these little ones didn't come with an instruction booklet - it is a learning curve for everyone involved with each new addition. You will be fine. The girls need to stick to your schedule...they are a little too young to make their own :) It will take some patience on your part. Make a daily schedule and stick to it.

Hi N.,

RELAX!!!!! Your children are normal, and so are you. Two children at this age are an exhausting handful, but the time flies by before you know it and it will all be a memory. You clearly are not a failure, but a loving, nurturing parent. Many people can give you advice on this and that, what schedule to follow, etc... but the reality is, you have to do what is best for you and your children. It sounds to me like you are doing just fine. Some days you will feel worn to the bone, and others just tired, and it's okay. Small children are the hardest and most rewarding jobs we will ever have. Take some time to just play and enjoy them for the short time they are home with you. Before you know it they will both be in school and you will have more time for other things, in the meantime cherish every frustrating moment with them.

Honey, you need a nanny/maid...With all of the responsibilities of child-rearing AND working as a writer, you need a break! God bless you!

I feel ya! My 1st 3 were so easy! But when number 4 came along ...she makes up for alll the rest She is now 4! Number 5 is now 2. Number 4 was the type to snack all day. and not eat her meals. Healthy snacks are fine and all..but like my 4 year old when it came to meals,,she is not getting any iron..now she is anemic. I have completely cut out the snacks...for all 5. (well the 3 older ones get a small snack after school). Anyway she is eating much better now. As for naps..that's tuff! but i make mine lay down at pretty much the same time everyday..even if they dont go to sleep...I have to maintain some sort of sanity! LOL! Now...if I could just get them to stop screaming and fighting! LOL! Oh BTW...I found that if I just stopped and sat down with my baby for 20 mins or so and played with her and gave her my undevided attention that it would satisfy her (for a little while anyway!) lol! Remember...very soon..she wont want you to hold her anymore...just keep reminding yourself of that..and it will make you feel better about it...this wont last long...it will be over..allll too soon.

Believe me, you are doing good.Lola is at the wonderful age when kids become orquids---they live from air! Check with the pediat. on weight and height and general health and ask if he recomments a nutritiontal supplement.
As for nap time, maybe the early afternoon, after lunch would be a good time. They shouln't be too tired to get cranky and it's still early enough not to upset their bedtime.good luck

I think all of us moms feel like a "failure" at one point in time or another. I'd bet you a million bucks your daughters would never stick that label on you though. Keep you chin up mom - you're doing the best you can and that's all that can be asked of you.
I don't have much advice to offer up, except for the screaming issue. I use earplugs when mine shreiks more than a couple of times. You can still hear everything going on around you, but it takes the edge off of that shrill horrible sound. Sometimes just turning down the volume helps.