I Feel So Foolish.....

I think they could have answered no without being assholes...BUT you can't expect that from people because in the end you can only control what you do..not how they should react.

It sucks how they did react but use this as a lesson to know you can never count on them when it comes to hard times.

My husband also lost his job in 2010 and was out of work for 5 months. It was tough on SO many levels. However, I would go to family or friends only as a last resort. We used credit cards (hello huge debt) and even took out a personal loan to make a mortgage payment. We spend a lot of money even now paying down those 5 months of unemployment.

My mom's mom was very well off, so if we wanted money, we could have gotten it, but we did not want to ask family. I think that's a really bad idea in general.

I think you need to come to terms that you have the debt, work on paying it off, and move on. I'm sorry they responded the way they did, but take this as a lesson learned and don't ask them anymore.

We lost a business in 2009. It crippled us. Please do not take their response personally. Try to look at it from the point of view that: you asked, they said no. Done deal. Try not to hold onto any animosity about it, it's not worth it. They took a simple "no" and decided to make it into something more than a business transaction, which is how I see that you presented it. They took it personally, even though you didn't mean it that way. Time to find another way around the debt. I suggest starting with Dave Ramsay (and I say this as a non-Christian, even his biblical references are sensible). If "swimming" means unbearable without some kind of relief, look into bankruptcy. If you don't plan on borrowing money in the next 5 years (sometimes less) it's something to consider.

Don't feel foolish. Many, many of us have dealt with the same kind of situation in the past few years. How you proceed from here on out says a lot more about your character than how you found yourself here.

When you ask for help people are going to answer yes or no.
They took it as an opportunity to lecture you when they said no.
Since they are not going to help and can be toxic who needs them?
They are now at the very bottom of your list of priorities.
Maybe they could send you a bag of groceries every now and then which would help you with food costs but don't ask or discuss money/debts with them again.
Keep working to climb out of debt and you'll make slow but steady progress.

Do as much clothes shopping at consignment and 2nd hand stores as you can, look for things you need on FreeCycle, use coupons for groceries, no after school activities for the kids, eat a lot of beans, rice and cabbage, etc.
For reading entertainment use your public library.
As bad as it is for you, there are other people who are worse off.
Some are homeless or living out of their car.
It's not going to be easy but eventually you'll get through this.

How odd of them to do that to him. They sound like mean people.

Good luck.

Geez, that sucks, E., I'm sorry.

Maybe you can break your no drinking rule just this once and have a cheers to the lesson learned.

Things will get better, you're doing everything right.

:)

I know how you feel...my husband was unemployed for 10 months. We had savings and used all of it during that 10 months. It was a scary time.

Instead of feeling foolish. Seek out your options.

Do you have a 401K you can borrow against? While it's not the best option, it is an option.

Talk to all of your creditors. Set up payment plans with them. They would rather have a plan in place then spending money on collection agencies for you.

Talk to a lawyer about bankruptcy.

Go around your home and see if you have any collectibles that might be worth money and sell them. Put together a garage sale of clothes that don't fit, things you don't use and get immediate cash in the door.

I'm sure you've already cut back on bills - cable, cell, etc. call your electric company and your gas company and find out if they have a "flat rate plan" - that's where you pay a flat rate each month or quarter - that will help you budget as well.

Start making a meal plan. Use coupons. Grow your own veggies. Find a food co-op in your area and start using it. Talk to your social services office and find out if you qualify for any assistance for insurance or lunch programs.

Make sure you and your husband both are taking your lunches to work.
Talk to your day care provider and find out if there is another option for your children - maybe you qualify for child care assistance? Call around to other providers and see if their rates are better for you.

Stay positive. YOU CAN DO THIS. Go to your library and borrow books by Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. Learn how to control your debt instead of it controlling you. You DO NOT need to borrow money to get out of this situation. You DO NOT NEED toxic people in your life just because they have money. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Well, it would be been easier if they had just declined instead of asking for a detailed list and then making you feel worse. I think their response was uncalled for and explains a bit of the 'toxic" you mention.

Money and family/friends (especially toxic as you mentioned) do not mix. I understand this would not have been the first loan from his parents, correct?

Maybe the reasoning for being so direct was to show some tough love which is hard to accept. Also, if you borrow from them, then they will "own" you and you don't want that.

You can manage to get out of debt. It will not be easy, nor fun but think about how you will feel when you do get out and how YOU did it without the help from them.

Look again at everything you are paying for and ask yourself, why? Do we really need this? Practice delayed gratification... yes it is hard but it keeps you realistic.

Look into your local community for free programs to help people learn to budget and manage money. Around here, many churches have FREE programs for divorce recovery and debt management.

Don't just not pay bills or be late with bills. CALL your creditors and ask for a plan. You DO NOT need an agency to negotiate this for you... just get on the phone, explain and see what they do.

As a business owner who deals with companies who owe me money, (some as much as $100,000) I am MUCH MORE agreeable with companies who are truthful to me about their situation and MUCH MORE willing to make arrangements than I will for someone who skirts off the responsibility, says the check is in the mail, etc. The people who show NO responsibility are the ones I do send to my legal counsel for payment.

Bottom line... be honest, and communicate with your creditors.

You can get through this with a lot of work and your partnership with your husband. Cut out every penny you can from spending in order to pull yourself out. Many people recommend Dave Ramsey. I do not know his programs but it seems like he has good helpful advice.

Don't feel foolish. This happens to good people sometimes and you can pull yourself out.

Best wishes to you!

don't feel foolish!
why do you feel foolish? because you guys asked for help?
that's not foolish.
i don't actually think it's 'unfortunate' that your in-laws have money. i'm really glad they were able to help you during the year of horror. i'm sorry they said no to more help, but without knowing their reasons, i'm not getting into that.
it was perfectly okay to ask. and totally okay for them to decline.
i'm sorry they shamed you, but you are also (naturally) super-sensitive to the situation and may be overreacting.
regardless, i'm sorry your debt load is so onerous, and glad you're both working to overcome it. you WILL whittle it down. you're doing everything you can, and that's exactly what you should be doing. it's probably hard to muster up gratitude to your in-laws since they just sent you a hard response, but they WERE there when things were desperate.
keep your head down, babe, and keep on keepin' on. you have nothing to feel foolish about. and you're not alone, you and your dh are in it together, and you're solving it together. you're a team, and you're rocking it.
khairete
S.

Wow, I am sorry, they could not have just answered "no".
I do not understand why they asked for all of the info..

My husbands parents are the type of people that give you a lecture every time you ask them something, so we have not asked.. except when we had our daughter.

They told us, "if you ever need help with "granddaughter" please call us."
They would even offer up things and when we would agree, they would hem and haw.

Even Babysitting, a few times they said yes and then backed out at the last minute. Mind you, sometimes, it was because I had to go into work unexpectedly. We would have it all set up and then they would cancel, because something came up.. Found out they were invited to lunch!

I remember we were really, really tight for money and they got mad because we had not asked them. We told them THEY were the ones that said, they did not have any money.. They laughed and said, well we have money, just not cash..

So one time, My husband asked them for money until pay day and they told him he should have budgeted better.. It was because our car needed major work. It was not like we had gone on a cruise and needed drink money.. And so we learned to not ask. They wanted to know our business, but not actually help.

I know you feel hopeless and overwhelmed. I suggest you speak honestly with each creditor. Tell them your situation and try to make agreements to pay them something every month. As long as you pay them something, they will mostly work with you. Hang in there. I think most families have been through something like this at some point. Not everybody has a great paying job, or family really willing or able to help out. But if you will work with the businesses you owe money too, most of them will try to work with you,

I think it's hilarious that some responders *know* that your inlaws aren't mean (do they know them personally?), and they *know* what was on your list (did they see it for themselves?). None of us here can decide if you were deserving of this particular loan or not, and we cannot determine the true nature of your inlaws, however, parents DO have the capability of being mean. You know the true story, so shake off all that doesn't apply!

I'm so sorry, E.. Some parents do purpose to shame their children because it makes them feel big. I have a friend going through a similar situation with his parents (not money related) and it's so ugly!!!

Your husband's parents have no obligation to loan you money, but they could have refused with grace and kindness. We have had people ask us for loans, but have refused because of a variety of reasons, but we NEVER talk down to them for asking.
Be very glad that they refused!!!! I know it's a hard time, but you don't want to be indebted to people who try to shame you for asking for help.

I think he's parents were a little silly to ask for it in writing if they were just going to say no. Should have said no in the first place and not gotten your hopes up. Getting out of debt is going to take a while so cut back on things as much as you can and throw as much money against your debt as possible. There are some great resources to create budgets and debt pay down plans free online.

Please know that there are many, many people in this same situation. You are not alone.

Don't feel foolish, feel empowered. Yes, your struggles will go on. Yes, you will still be in debt. But when that is all over and your debs are paid, you can thank his parents for the sense of empowerment they gave to you.

You asked, they answered - so not in the way you wanted or in a very nice way. But you got your answer. So move on. And one more piece of advice. End whatever drama you may have with his parents. Let them know that you appreciate all they have given and you understand their need to stop giving. Money is a touchy subject so best to move away from it. Remember that they might have felt that they had no choice but to help you when he was not working but now, he is back to work an they can back away from anymore financial help.

Make a plan, take out a loan - do what you have to do. You'll be ok.

The only thing I can figure is they didn't agree with how you spend your money and they don't want to pay for your mistakes. I am just guessing here based on people in my own life. I would never ask my rich relatives for money or accept it from them when they offered because the cost would be too high to us in ways other than money.

We have uber rich inlaws and they would agree to help people who asked for money. They insisted on seeing the bank statements, checkbook, and a written list of all expenses. They also counseled them on how to live within their means complete with Bible verses.

Items that set them off the most were cigarettes, alcohol/especially at bars, lottery tickets, RVs, vacations, stereo systems, satellite tv, video game systems, nails/tattoos, and toys. Also two NEW car payments, bank overdraft fees, and buying gifts for people.

They really lived within their means before having money and they save money usually so they have no mercy for others who don't. I wish you the best as financial stress is one of the hardest things to overcome. The high interest rates and fees just keep coming to those who can least afford it.

My first husband filed bankruptcy and I thought my credit was ruined. Years later, after I paid student loans for ten years, my credit is awesome. I never had a job that did a credit check so it never hurt me. I think he paid $700 to a lawyer to do it.

I don't know his parents, of course. You do call them toxic people, so perhaps they are being mean, as someone has said. If that's not the case, then perhaps it's a total lack of understanding of what your circumstances were when they asked for the detailed email. They might have thought $1000 when your reality is many times $1000.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this, and I can't imagine how alone you feel. Continue to spend every single dime that you can on lowering debt. Cut out every possible non-essential. It will help.

Foolish? No, no. It's all right to ask relatives and friends when you really need help!

The people you ask, however, are entitled to say yes or no. Your in-laws chose to say no. Actually, it doesn't matter what they're like. It doesn't matter how well the letter was written (although, of course, a well-written letter is much better than a badly-written one!). It doesn't matter how closely a person is related to you, or what they have done or haven't done before. It's their choice. People can still choose to say no, and they did.

I imagine it hurts more because they are close relatives and because they didn't turn you down before.

But lingering over this event, and brooding over it, will actually hurt your financial recovery. It will also hurt your sleep, your health, and your relationships with your children. It won't hurt your in-laws. It will hurt you.

So I'm going to take this post as a mini-vent, and a VERY understandable one.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you! It's so scary when you don't know what the future holds. But look for other paths. When you're in a position where you have to keep digging through a lot of dirt (of one sort or another), sometimes you find some gold, too. Dave Ramsey's programs are highly regarded. Maybe there are other avenues for you as well. Perhaps your in-laws' turn-down will actually help you turn up something better.

Cry for a while (I would in your place!), but put a time limit on it. I know folks who have gone through the worst of times and survived - and even thrived.

Keep us posted, please.

Your inlaws are toxic people, indeed! Unfortunately, I also have toxic inlaws (and toxic parents, too - a double wammy).

For them to say no to your non-luxury list is horrible! I wonder if they truly were considering it when they asked for the email list, or if they knew all along the answer was no regardless of the list. Either way, it sucks - they suck!

What I have learned in life (the extremely HARD way, unfortunately) is all about actions and consequences. We cannot control how anyone behaves. People have the right to behave however they want (even if it's mean and horrible). That is their actions. What many rude people do not consider, however, is the consequences to their mean actions. Some mean people think that they can behave however they want without any consequences or repercussions whatsoever. Wrong! That is not how life works!

Your inlaws' mean actions against you and your husband deserve consequences, which are their GRANDCHIILDREN. The next time your inlaws call you and ask if they can come over to see their grandchildren, nicely say no! You don't owe them any explanation! Just say, "it's not a good time." When they ask again, say, "it's still not a good time in our lives right now. It will be a while until we will have visitors or go to anyone's house for a visit." And leave it at that!!! They will know what you are really saying (or maybe they really won't, since they are so toxic). Either way, not your problem!

For them to say no to you and your husband is like them saying "we don't care about the well being of our grandchildren!" There are kids involved (their own grandkids, no less), and they have money!!! Shame on them!!!

Looks like they will learn a lesson about actions and consequences! I am so sorry for you and your family. Best wishes!!

Tough times and no shame in asking for help. If they didn't want to (for whatever reason) that's their call. However, making you and your husband feel badly about reaching out for help is just plain mean. There are nicer ways to say "no". I am sorry they are adding stress when they could be helping (even if not financially). Hang in there and focus on getting by day by day :) Be thankful you are in a much better place than last year...

I am so sorry you didn't get the help you hoped for from his parents.
Don't feel foolish!
Do not feel bad for asking for help.
It's not easy to ask for help.
I wish they would have given the help you needed.
You sound responsible and reasonable so please don't feel guilty any
longer than you already have.
Again, no shame in asking for help.
I hope you are able to figure things out financially.
Wishing you the best.

I am sorry that you did not get the response that you were looking for from his parents. It does seem that you have been very reasonable in your spending. It does seem unreasonable (not to lend you the money) if they have plenty of money, however, it could be that they really do not have as much cash flow as you think they do. Perhaps helping you out over the past year put them in a financial bind that you were not aware of. Perhaps they were concerned that they would have to liquidate assets (which may provide them income) in order to help you with your debt problems. Is your husband an only child or are they getting financial assistance requests from other family members too? The shaming response was uncalled for (especially since they asked for an email detailing the request)--is there a chance of some dementia and some personality change and some frightening aspects of their own future? Or perhaps it was just their toxic personality coming out. Good luck. You will be able to work this out on your own. Look at Dave Ramsey's plan for knocking out debt.

I'm not excusing their behavior, but maybe they felt that whatever assistance they gave you during his unemployment should have kept you from incurring the amount of debt that you did? Are they expecting repayment of the original amount and infuriated that no repayment has been made?

Do not feel foolish. Hold your head high and weather the storm. As far as I am concerned, you're both gainfully employed so your darkest days are behind you.

Many on here highly recommend Dave Ramsey's program. See if you can borrow it from the library and get started today. Once you've paid off your debt work on an emergency cash fund so that the next time you don't need to ask for help.

I am so sorry you didn't get the help you hoped for from his parents.
Don't feel foolish!
Do not feel bad for asking for help.
It's not easy to ask for help.
I wish they would have given the help you needed.
You sound responsible and reasonable so please don't feel guilty any
longer than you already have.
Again, no shame in asking for help.
I hope you are able to figure things out financially.
Wishing you the best.

What a nasty situation. I've known folks who really benefited from talking to a free credit counseling agency. Here's where you can find non-profit agencies that won't add their own fees on top of all your debts: http://www.justice.gov/ust/eo/bapcpa/ccde/cc_approved.htm

Wishing you success!

Yeah, that was uncool.
Sometimes that sort of harsh "no" is worth more than whatever assistance you would have received.
There would probably have been ridiculous strings attached to the money if they had said yes.
Take what you were given (a clear message that you're on your own) and invest your future time & energy in unburying yourself from debt.

Shame on his parents for doing that to him (and you). There is no shame is asking for help. If they weren't willing (or able) to help, all they had to do is say no. There's nothing wrong with looking toward the obvious resources available for help when needed. If one source isn't an option, you figure out something else - but there's nothing wrong with asking in the first place.

Please don't let her response get you down. It's really a reflection on her/them and not you.

I feel for you - my husband has been laid off several times in our marriage and although it's never been for more than a few months, he has a pattern of then taking a job that pays less than what he made before. We've been married for 10 years and just this past year, he finally got up to the income level that he had when we were first married, which isn't much (my 23 year old assistant who has been on the job with me for 1.5 years has the same salary as him). So we've defintiely had our very lean years and those were scary times, when we just couldn't make the mortgage payments and really could only pay for daycare, groceries and gas and bills just had to wait.

I would recommend that, if possible, you work with each creditor to structure a repayment plan that leaves you some breathing room. Ultimately, I had to sacrifice a big chunk of my 401(k) to stop the cycle of accruing debt. With one job loss (and a poorly time home purchase/sale of our other home) we went through a tax refund, bonus, all our savings and most of my stock account within a few months and eventually had to use credit cards - which had previously been paid off - to stay afloat. It was awful to go from virtually debt-free (other than the mortgage) to up to our eyeballs in credit card bills in less than a year, but it happens.

I hope that you have a better year this year, and please do your best to ignore his parents!

Per Dave Ramsey , thanksgiving dinner would have never tasted the same.

Borrow a Dave Ramsey book from the library or better still attend Financial Peace University at a local church. Listen to the radio show. It will be so worth it.

In the long run you will be grateful she did not lend you money.

I disagree that they are mean. I agree with Sandy M. They did not like your list. Things on the list that may have set them off: cigarettes, gym memberships, restaurant meals, cable, private schools, gardener, etc. Things that they live without and cannot see funding you to have.

Be honest with yourselves. Were those type luxuries on your list?

Basically, the mother wanted to tell him off without actually having to speak to him about it. She acted like a coward when she asked him to email her. She already knew what her reply would be and felt safer putting it in writing. It has nothing to do with the email itself, but with the initial ask for more money. The fact that you were grateful and willing to pay interest on the loan was of no matter to her.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You shouldn't feel foolish or ashamed. You sound responsible, hard working, and shouldn't be shamed for falling into debt when your husband was out of work.

You will need to find other ways to pay off your debts. See if you can consolidate credit cards or get a short-term reduction in your interest rate. See if you can refinance your house to get a lower monthly payment. While it sounds like you don't spend frivolously, look for other small things to cut out of your spending. Maybe you can carpool more to reduce spending on gas. Call your utility providers to try to reduce bills - many can offer other packages and/or assistance if you can't afford to pay. Simply eliminating a few never watched channels from your cable bill may save $10 a month - sounds small but every penny helps.

Please don't feel bad. You are working hard to get yourself out of a bad situation. You should feel good about yourself for working so hard.

I'm so sorry for your situation :-( You are not alone though. Toxic people make it hard to see the light. I just joined a bunch of people working out - they are such a positive bunch - I'm afraid I'm addicted now LOL.... They're all people who workout from home. Some make good money at it. I don't because I just like to spread and share for free. (I'd be glad to add you if you want - just PM me)

It gets so overwhelming when there is SO much to do. I've been trying to get things under control myself - started with a simple ToDo list. Chalene Johnson (fitness guru) put out a free goal challenge that teaches these things. I can see if that's still up for more takers if you want. ?

Other helpful free financial info... on Dave Ramsey's site: http://www.daveramsey.com/home/

And http://www.suzeorman.com/

We were in the same boat and I totally understand why you guys asked them since they helped out so much in the past. There is no need to explain about what you do or don't do because people will judge you anyway. I know how it feels when you are working your but off trying to catch up, been there done that. All I can say is keep working hard and paying bills on time and continue to only do necessary activities and you guys will be fine.

Sometimes there comes a point when bankruptcy is the only option other than letting finance fees go up and take the whole payment.

My husband had a great job when we got married. He brought home over $3000 per month and his truck payment and stuff was taken out before he got paid. So nearly $3000 per month play money. He was single and not a party person. He had electronic stuff that was totally top quality.

When he got laid off we were fortunate his truck was paid off. I had a new van and it was repossessed. We lost our house in a few months. All the credit cards sued us. We ended up living in a mobile home his mom bought us. Life was never the same.

He did find work a few months later and was making about 1/4 the salary. We got back on our feet a bit. He wrecked his truck during his time off, got hit by a speeding car but since they couldn't prove he was speeding the cop couldn't give that guy a ticket for causing the wreck. Our insurance didn't do squat.

We got new, program vehicles, through this new job's credit union. I got a 1998 car that I really fell in love with and hubby got the 2000 Mercury Sable with all the bells and whistles. We lived in the mobile home, had lost every credit card, had no kids, so the $700+ per month car payment was no big deal. The $1100 every 6 months for car insurance was.

We got the vehicles in June and July then he got laid off the week of Christmas. Lost both vehicles.

He got another job. Paid a tiny bit more than minimum wage. Life was finally at it's lowest pay. I was working at minimum wage also, well, it was child care and I even owned my own center but most goes back into the business for years.

There were no parties, his dad gave me cable TV for Christmas and he still pays it each month. He also does the same for his step daughter, my husbands half sister. He's a good and wonderful father in law.

We went to credit counseling for free, took classes on how to pay off bills, took budgeting classes at the local community college, did all we could to try and make a payment plan but when we honestly looked at what was happening we realized we'd never ever be out of debt without paying the entire debt off.

Payments...what a joke!!!!

People who have no idea and say "You should keep making monthly payments"...

Say your bill is $25 per month. $20 of that is interest and $5 is the amount they take off your bill. SO in reality you just gave them a $20 tip and paid a bill of $5.

Paying off the balance is the only way to actually pay that bill. Over the time you've had a bill with them they've make tons of money. Your purchase was paid over and over and over.

So filing bankruptcy isn't not paying the bill, it's stopping the interest they charge you each month. You've already paid for the items and they're making money each month.

I think that bankruptcy is a last resort but many many people do it every so many years just to get a clean slate. They go into debt right away again thinking it's the easy way to get the stuff. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about what the court action was for in the beginning. To help people that have been good and faithful and have come across life changing issues that just can't keep giving the companies that extra money. Paying those things off all at once is important.

Filing bankruptcy can wipe the slate clean for you. There are always consequences to this action but it really doesn't matter after a while because you'll have good credit built up again. Even if it's just the phone bill and rent/house payment that shows a good payment history.

You will recover. Do what it takes to get out from under this. Hubby did the right thing.

I'd be a bit put out with them though. I'd respond back and say something like

"Thanks for considering it mom, we are heading to court tomorrow for the bankruptcy hearing but were hoping to avoid that route. We know we have to pay our consequences for not working at something during that time off work. Thanks for your support during our hard times. We love you bunches".

No need to feel foolish - you asked - they had the right to refuse - - that's their response. I would stop looking back and look at "what is" - look at the reality of your situation and know that you are on your own and then act accordingly moving forward. You may have a long hard road to travel digging out of debt and getting on your feet but you are not alone - many are in your shoes without family help or support. You are working hard, as you say, to get out of this situation and in time you will and you will be in a better situation than you are now and be stronger coming out of the debt you have acquired.

Check into bankruptcy and then follow a plan like Dave Ramsey. Good luck.