I Hate Dinner Time!!!! Help Before I Lose It

L.,

I doubt you will want to hear this, but I believe that children will eat when they are hungry. If you refuse to give them anything between meals, regardless of how little they ate at the last meal, they will learn that meal time is for eating. I also think that if you give them extra small portions, and only insist that they eat 3-5 bites, and ignore whether they eat or not, they will eat better. When you leave the table, clear the food, and refuse to feed them preferred foods. Eating at mealtimes should be fun. Talk and visit, but don't fight. If they don't eat, they will soon, because they will be hungry!

I'm a mom of 5 and grandmom of 4, and none of mine died or got sick from starvation.

A.

Do you allow snacking? My mother was very strict about 3 meals a day and only fruit for snacks. She said we ate what she made us- probably because we were good and hungry. Even with my baby I'v noticed if I limit the snacks I get her to eat her meal time food better.

Hi, what if you had the girls help you with a weekly menu, a simple on to start, and had them help shop and actually fix it with you. Sometimes if they feel they had a bigger part in it, they will enjoy the "fruits of their" labor too. My kids used to help and they actually did eat better over time too. As a side, I used to let them stir the bowls on the open door of the dishwasher, that way, no one had to stand on a chair and you didn't have to worry about spills cause the dishwasher did that work for you. :) have fun

Can I just say something that flies in the face of almost everything else written before me.
IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD! My daughter was exactly the same. Every meal time was a battle. The atmosphere was hideous. THIS is what it is about. Food intake is ONE thing that a child can control - it is pretty much the only thing. Pick your battles. My daughter is skinny but she is healthy and she is now eating things I never imagined possible. What changed? I DID. I had a summer with my sister in law who is an amazing cook and she helped me to see that I was so stressed out about my daughter not eating that I was the one who turned meal times in to a burden. I make one meal for our family each night. The only rule is that they have to taste each thing if they don't eat that has to be OK. They still get fruit no matter what afterwards. Sometime they get a special treat sometimes they don't. I no longer bribe.

If they don't eat they make up for it at the next meal. I started doing "taste test" meals. How many different ways can we do oatmeal? She got to come up with flavour combinations. She invented peanut butter and jelly oatmeal. she loves it. it was her idea. But getting her involved in the joy of food only worked once the PRESSURE TO EAT WAS OFF.

I understand that this is really difficult to do but YOU are the one that needs to change the atmosphere not them. Now trying new things is a joy and if they don't like it, it is fine. And you know what I realise? My daughter actually has an incredibly high standard - she tastes the difference between fresh and not, ripe or not. this is not a bad thing. trust them to use their own judgement instead of always trying to force them.

I truly do understand that as a mother nurturing your child with food is a number one concern. If you don't get them to eat you feel as though you have somehow failed a critical task. For me it took someone with an outside perspective to show me how I was the critical link. I wish you the very best of luck!

Okay I just skimmed through some of the responses.... I really agree with Deanna Leigh, Julia, and the respondent whose child 'learned' to prep their own food (this is good at a certain age. My daughter who is 6, can do this too).

Now, just to add my 2 cents:
yes, you cannot force a child to eat if they don't want to, or are not hungry. Period. I also do not believe in coercing a child to eat.

My Hubby for example comes from Europe... where eating is more laid back and not a "focus" like it is for some families. His attitude toward kids & meals is this- a child or any person for that matter, should eat only if they are truly hungry. If they are forced to eat just because it is a certain "time" then this is how kids "learn" food hang-ups and become overweight.... because they do NOT know their body or hunger cues. And I agree. If my children are not hungry, they do not have to eat. Or, as with my Daughter, she can prepare something herself. Which she is capable of. But we ALL help and do NOT fight about it. It is not a "battle." But we all sit at the table together. It is about learning to "problem solve" as a "team" and then being positive about it. Even for my son who is VERY picky... I just get his special plate and utensils and then I put on his plate what he usually likes... and (since he can feed himself) I don't hound him to eat... I just place his plate in front of him and he can eat if he is hungry. Or not. And many times the LESS attention we give him, the more he will eat. When he is done, he can leave the table, and not feel pressured about it. Same for my daughter.

I also KNOW my kids eating "styles." My son is a grazer. My daughter is a hearty eater and WILL eat in one sitting. My son will not. He is a small eater and grazes throughout the day. I also from a young age, simply ask my kids "are you hungry?" And then they learn to "know" themselves and their hunger cues. If they tell me "no." and if they are not hungry, fine. We also ALLOW them to tell us when THEY are "full." And then we accept it....we don't count how many bites they took or how many foods they at off their plate. We don't scold or punish. They do NOT go to bed hungry, and if after dinner they do get hungry, fine. I have simple snacks they can have. But NO junk food or desserts are allowed. It's not a battle. They know this. Appetites, like adults, goes up and down each day. It changes. Normal. But for my PICKY son, I make simple foods/snacks and plate it in SMALL portions, and put it on a nice tray and he can, at will, eat, throughout the day. Which he does, this way. In this manner. I learned that about him. Or, if he IS hungry, he will actually tell me and will grab my hand to show me what he wants. No problem.

Just last night, I cooked something for dinner which was a favorite of my Mom's (grandma), but I knew it was not something exciting for my Hubby or daughter. So no big deal. They knew that. I knew that. Fine. No complaining from them... he and my daughter simply problem-solved on their own, cooked something else together, and then ate dinner, with us. NO BIGGIE. And my son, ate what I had cooked, amazingly. So that was great.

But sometimes, even adults aren't hungry at dinner time, according to the clock. So what. Our Motto is: if you are not hungry, you should not HAVE TO eat.

When I was a child, my grade-school Teacher was a Witch. Many parents complained about her. In the cafeteria she yelled and humiliated and FORCED the children to eat EVERYTHING on their plates, otherwise they could not leave. She hovered over the children scrutinizing their plates like a Dictator. She was just mean overall. Anyway, she forced me to eat something on my plate, and I simply couldn't. So I had to stay in the cafeteria. Needless to say I cried. I told my Dad. He was furious. The next thing I know... he invited my Teacher over for dinner. She was delighted and came over. My Dad watched her eat... but she didn't eat EVERYTHING. So he told her "You have to eat everything on your plate, or you will not be allowed to go home..." She was aghast of course and angry. My Dad then told her "This is what you do to the children at school isn't it? Well, this is my house and you will do what I say." Needless to say, my Dad further lectured her and the Teacher learned her lesson.

Anyway, eating is eating. Or an event. For better or for worse. But... it does affect children's emotions and how they will feel later as adults and how they will view eating and food later. It's something that sticks to one's memory... most people remember how they were treated at dinner time....even years down the road.

All the best,
Susan

Your message just broke my heart. We've been thru stuff like that, too, but you've got to make sure the kids aren't upset at dinner (I'm sorry, I totally understand, but nothing's worth that). Imagine being them and how you would feel to constantly have your parents yelling at you to eat! Eating together is supposed to bring happy, content feelings but they will learn to dread dinner too. I would suggest (like potty training!) that you two take all the pressure off. Of course you can talk to your 9 year old about it, but let the 3 year old follow suit. Let them both have a choice of a few kid-friendly foods and offer a variety during the week. Let them know they need to have at least a minimum, but that if they don't like it, they do NOT have to eat any more. I guarantee, when the pressures off and it's up to them, they WILL eat enough. Don't forget to have colorful fruits, all cut up so they can at least get some vitamins that way. Yogurt can substitute if they're not drinking milk, etc. And go on-line - there are so many recipes they can help you make and that itself will be it so much more fun to try.
Hang in there - and best of luck.
M.

You will have to change your behavior if you want the other behavior to change. Present your food and if they do not eat, they do not eat. Set a time limit for dinner and clear the table. Make the atmosphere the one you want. No backing down, no deserts. No yelling, no insisting they eat. Talk to them as if all is well and when dinner is over it is over. Make a nice desert that you and your husband can enjoy because you ate a sensible meal. They know how to push your buttons and do it every night it seems. Stop letting this happen.

Its time to really take a look at this, so the 9 yr old is pciky, picky about what, is it texture food she doesn't eat, maybe it makes her gag, its not uncommon for some kids to have a very sensitive gag reflex.. and some texture foods make them sick.. is she worrying that if she eats something it will make her fat.. and pretends to say she doesn't like it. ( don't say my kid would not feel this way ) you would be surprised how many do.. is her taste pallettes < spell check) still being devoloped << not uncommon one thing your doing wrong is the punishment part, and forcing them to eat it, kids can control two things about them pooping and eating, you do not want her to start with a bad habit of hating food because she is forced to eat something.

Sit down with her, grab a pencil & pen and calmly start talking to her about the food, let her know you understand something she doesn't like and ask her what foods she doesn't like and why, write it down show her you are interested in this. Then ask her what foods she does like,
write it down.. start analyzing the difference between the foods, is it color or taste or texture smell looks..

some kids get stuck lets say on spagetti they eat that as a favorite all the time, so be creative, you want nutrition then take the sauce on puree some veggies to add to the sauce... not to much ... she needs to eat fruit then make her some fruit smoothies.. maybe she doesn't like chewie food.. my son doesn't and will refuss to eat it, he hates chicken unless its chicken nuggets so I fix homemade ones.

Mom you can't force this issue or punish her, as much as we want our kids healthy some just do not like a lot of different types of foods.. she will either grow out of it or not, I know its frustrating pick & choose your battles to get upset with, we went through the same thing, we just choose not to pick this one as a battle, my son who is 19 has eaten an fried egg sandwich for breakfest for the last 14 yrs every darn morning, once in a while I sneak a pancake ot two.. compromise MOM !!!!

Dear L.,
I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Make supper pleasant by talking about the day and the interesting things you and they did. Ask them about school and friends. Focus on that and what your plans are for tomorrow and any other interesting subjects for your family...vacation, pets, trips, any school projects, homework or activities they are involved in etc.
Ignore what they eat. They do they get snacks afterschool...if so stop giving them snacks. Do not give them dessert unless they eat the meal and you had planned one anyway. At the end of mealtime, take plastic wrap and put it over their plates, telling them if they are hungry latter they can have it heated up for them. This way they get a happy family time which is very important and food when they are hungry.
Children will not starve themselves and will eat when hungry. They also have times when they hardly eat and are not growing and then eat lots when they are in a growth spurt. Pressuring them or threatening them to eat and making them hate eating is accomplishing nothing and may be causing them to have problems later when they hit teens. Establishing a good relationship with them now is of most importance. Food is not half as big an issue.
I hope that you try this as I think it is really important to your future relationships with the girls.

PS...If the girls are really hungry when the older one comes home from school, you could give healthy snacks...apples, oranges, other fruit cut up, vegetables like carrot, broccoli pieces, whole grain crackers or a piece of whole grain toast, small cubes of cheese and meat. Then remember they have had it and consider it part of the supper in your mind. Also, I found when I was really hungry, I put more on my sons plates...I had to learn to not fill their plates so much. When they were 5 and above I was serving family style and they took what they wanted. If they disliked anything, they knew they had to take a "no thank you" helping...about a tablespoonful (level) and they would make faces when eating it but would do so and we ignored the faces and comments...somethings they hated then they like now. Some they still don't like and never will.

Put yourself in your daughters' shoes. Wouldn't you cry too if someone you loved forced you to put food in your mouth that you didn't like? (escargot or liver, anyone?)

Dinner time has turned into a power struggle - no wonder you dread it!

I'm going to suggest something radical, but hopefully you're up for a new strategy since the current one isn't producing the results you want.

Make dinner, put it on the table and then don't mention it again. Spend dinner time talking with your girls, playing I Spy, telling jokes, whatever you all enjoy doing together. It may take a while, but once the dinner dynamic has changed from yelling and force feeding to calm, enjoyable family time, your girls will be much more inclined to experiment with new foods.

You're doing all the right things with the menu - give them old favorites along with one or two new items, but just let them try it in their own time.

I speak from experience. The situation you describe is exactly what dinner time used to be for me and my two girls. My husband was the "enforcer" so it was very difficult to get him to go along with the new plan. It took time for him to retrain the way he thinks about kids eating, but he did and now dinner time is the highlight of the day!

On a personal note, I was force fed by my father as a child and it permanently scarred me and the way I look at new foods. Please don't let this happen to your precious daughters.

Best of luck to you and your darling girls!!

It has been my experiance that food battles are NOT winable. I am sure this is not what you were hoping to hear, but that doesn't mean you have to dread dinner. One of the reasons that kids behave weird about food is that it is one thing they CAN control.

Set the table. Put nutritious and tasty food on it. Sit down with you husband and have an enjoyable feast....Require the kids to sit at table with you two as you enjoy the family time that dinner can be....give them reasonable portions for their height and weight....when you and hubby are finished, clear the table....

That's it. If they eat, they eat. Do not under any circumstances give them additional food if they complain of hunger later. Remind them that they had an opportunity to eat a tasty meal with you and daddy, and that you are sorry for them that they chose not to eat it. Remind them that hunger is not comfortable, and that they will have an opportunity to eat at breakfast time.

TRUST ME - THEY WILL NOT STARVE. The hardest part is not either laughing at their compliants or acting self-rightous.

L.:
I like to have a picnic dinner in my living room with the kids. We make a lot of finger foods, chicken nuggets, carrot sticks and ranch, cut up fruit or strawberries and my kids love french bagettes. Then we hang out in the living room with the fire going, eat, talk, play a game, or watch a dvd. Its awesome. Way more relaxing and the kids always eat.
S.

Hi L.:
Mealtime,(eating) is suppose to be an enjoyable time.It is what (YOU) and your husband make it.If dinner time at your house,has turned into a battlefield,then everyone may as well be eating in a separate room. At least you'd all be able to digest what your eating,without experiencing feelings of guilt or pressure.The atmosphere at the table should be (Pleasant) It's intended for (Light) conversation,and (togetherness) You and your husband are creating poor eating habits in your children,as a result of your persistence and forcefulness.The dinner table is not the place to lecture or argue.You don't force your child to clean her plate but instead,encourage her to serve a small portion on her plate the first time and then take more later if she wishes.Anyone would be over welmed,if the preparer overloaded their plate.Allowing your child to serve herself,automatically takes a lot of the pressure off. She doesn't look at eating the meal as a (task.) Threats,disapline,causing your child to cry at the table,will soon create poor eating habits,and it causes a child to associate stress with eating.My gosh,If I was your child,I'd dread dinner time. It wouldn't matter what you were serving. You could have steak and lobster on the menu, I'd still tense up before sitting down,because I knew there would be conflict,wether it was because of me or my sibling.Your toddler,is at an age, where she should be eating several small meals a day.Expecting her to simply eat three square meals a day, (when you say),is expecting to much from her.Regardless of what some of the mothers have stated here,You don't use food to punish or reward your child. Withholding food to punish your child can lead to fears,thus leading to overeating.If your child cannot eat,or dislikes what you've prepared,remove her plate after she has given it a brave attempt.It is cruel to send your child to bed hungry,If he or she complains of hunger after the meal,then I'd give her a sandwich,or soup.That isn't going to keep you in the kitchen more than a few minutes,and afterall,your number one concern here, is that your child is not undernourished,not that you punish her for not liking your cooking.I'd reccomend you and your husband changing your tactics at the table, before you create a bigger eating problem for your children.Sit down with your daughter, and ask her what foods she likes and what recipes of yours she enjoys.Dream up some new ones with her from a cook-book.Let her help you.Make dinner with the family a pleasant time for you all,and your children will begin looking at eating in an entirely different way.I wish you and your children the best. J. M

Why don't you allow yourself a break from policing your kid's nutrition? I don't mean let them eat (or not eat) anything, but obviously the best intentions in the world are not working for you right now. From what I've experienced with my own "picky" children, what I've read and heard experts tell me, it really backfires to make eating and dinner a battleground where you feel you are forcing children to eat.

You might try something like this: When you sit down to dinner tonight (after talking it over with your husband) you could say something like, "dinner time hasn't been too happy around here lately, has it? Let's change that, because I'm sure we'd all like to have dinner be a happier time. I have some ideas about it, but I'd like to hear how you feel about it and we'll come up with a new idea together." You could then allow your kids to tell you whatever they feel about the stuff they are being asked to eat, or whatever they want. Then you might set the reasonable goal of making sure everybody eats something healthy every day. "With that goal in mind, how can we solve the problem?" If nobody has an idea, you could say something like, "I'm going to set out two or three choices (of whatever the problem food is - if it's vegetables, something easy like a tray of carrots, celery and maybe broccoli? Or three things that you have a shot they'll like at least one of) and you can choose which one you're going to eat - but the rule is you have to pick at least one." And for one week just take a break from monitoring the situation so closely. Make sure what you put on the table is simple and healthy and let them choose, so you don't have to be the policewoman any more. You could even let them have some responsibility for it, or make a game of it, like guessing which thing someone is going to pick, or whatever. The most important thing, I think, is to take the heaviness out of meal time without giving up your goal of having your children eat somewhat healthy foods. If you're dreading mealtimes, chances are your kids are too. It really is refreshing to just admit it to them and open the discussion up for everyone to have an opinion.
Hope this helps a bit - I know it's a frustrating situation.

I read all the responses...and I am confused...why would you think that not eating would require a punishment? If someone yelled at me to 'take a bite', I might not want to eat at all either. Crying makes sense, you're taking family time and turning it into a battle.

My son's Pedi told me that toddlers/kids get most of their daily food intake at breakfast and lunch...so, when I was worried about him not eating ALL his dinner he told me to relax and let it be.

It might be your kids are picky eaters, but why is that a bad habit? Kids develop their own likes and dislikes based on experience and routine. If their routine is to be punished for not eating they might begin to associate mealtime with negative connotations. My son is a picky eater, so I make what I know he will eat and introduce new foods on a regular schedule of four days in a row with a what he will eat. Then, wait a week and try again. There is no sense in my opinion in forcing kids to eat when they don't want to or just don't like something.

Food issues are created during these years of development and kids are sensitive to the roles that parents play in this area. My own father associates his issues with food (and issues with his mother) with how his Mom treated mealtime...you had to eat everything on your plate or you sat at the dinner table until you did...once he had to sleep in the dinning room.

What I do, is we all sit down at around 6pm (dinner done at 6:30pm) and my son has his plate and will sit with us. He'll eat if he's hungry, and I don't force it. If he doesn't eat and is hungry before bed we get a glass of milk and crackers and that's what he eats before bed. But, really it's about just making it a fun time. We talk about his day, if he went to school that day, we talk about school and what he did. Once he's into the conversation he usually relaxes and eats a few bites. But, it is truly about family time and bonding.

I do not believe in punishing for not eating or making it something that is bad in the sense of habits. I don't like everything out there and there are things that I won't eat that my son loves...like Laredo Chili or certain veggies. I dont' believe in making in denying kids food if they don't eat dinner. While they won't starve, it just makes for a confusing situation when it comes to the purpose of foods and how our kids view them.

I hope you guys find a way to work through this tough period. I agree that you need to talk to your kids, not just your older one, but both kids about what kind of solutions you can all come up with for mealtime.

Good Luck.

Hi L.,
We have family dinners together everynight too. My husband loves to cook, my 6 year old son eats everything and I usually eat cereal and an english muffin. It drives my husband crazy because I don't like to eat many foods and I actually enjoy my cereal for dinner. At least he can cook for my son and they can eat all the foods that I won't eat. (However, I do eat many more things now than I used to so there is hope). My husband does tend to blame me if my son doesn't like to eat a particular food. I think a 6 year old is capable of deciding which foods he likes on his own - especially a 6 year old that would rather eat tuna fish and olives for a snack than cookies.

I don't think your 3 1/2 year old is not eating because of her sister - please don't blame her. I think she just is not a good eater also. My 9 year old niece eats nothing. Her 5 year old sister eats everything. It's just the way they are.

It's more important to have good family time together than to have kids eat whatever everyone else is eating. Cook for you and your husband and let the kids eat what they want. If they eat breakfast and lunch with no problem let them eat those foods for dinner too. Or get the kids excited about dinner by having them help you pick the meal and prepare it (my son loves to do this - he goes shopping with my husband and they pick out all sorts of things that I don't eat and they make dinner). Make sure your kids drink some milk each day (chocolate if it that's all they like) and take a mulivitamin every day. And they'll be fine. (I would only worry if the doctor said they were not healthy.) They'll eat when they're hungry. Fighting about food just causes eating disorders and resentment and it is not good for you to have such anxiety.

Pick your battles with your kids. As long as they eat something during the day and they are healthy this doesn't have to be a battle.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Please don't make the dinner a battle field. Parents need to choose their battles. If your child doesn't eat a wide variety of foods, then give them vitamins. If you think your child isn't eating enough, have your child checked by the doctor for his/her place on the growth chart. Offer your children healthy, well-balanced meals (protein, complex carbs, simple carbs, ie Meat/fish/cheese/soy, grain based products (rice noodles or bread), vegies either fresh or cooked and maybe a salad. Dessert should only be for special occasions. Keep a bowl of fruit around for snacks. If your children don't want to eat, fine. BUT NO FOOD AFTER DINNER IS FIXED. Also, include your children in meal preparation and the menu. My children surprised me by what they liked. It turned out they really liked grilled salmon a lot! Age nine is a great time to teach your child to cook. You'd be surprised what a nine year old can do. It is also a great opportunity to explain fractions! Baking is fun. Bake muffins. Bake buttermilk biscuits. These are really quick and fun and you can even put grated vegies into the muffins and never taste it.
My mother used to be just like you. One night I sat at the table for two hours because I wasn't hungry. Well, I broke out in measles. She felt so guilty after that that there were no more battles. If I didn't like the food (her stew and meat loaf were really awful) I just did not eat. So ask you kids what they like and maybe if they help prepare the food they can change there minds.
I knew one girl who grew up on hotdogs, bananas, cream of wheat and chicken soup. She was a straight A student in high school, a cheer leader, and just graduated from a great university. Her eating habits drove her parents (good friends of ours) nuts but she is a happy healthy athletic 23 now. Her sister won't eat meat and she is also healthy.
A parent needs to know where to pick the battle field. Wait until the girls start dating, then you will know what I mean! Good luck and I hope a little of this helped.

Do yourself a favor and stop pushing the food. Here's what we do. Dinner is prepared, dinner is put on the table, if the kids choose not to eat, that's fine, but all should be aware that once dinner is cleared the kitchen closes to all but water, tea, a piece of fruit or veggies. Trust me, if they go to bed hungry (by their own choice) they'll become a bit more flexible. When the complain about being hungry remind them that dinner was served and they made a choice. No healthy child will starve themselves to death. Make a huge effort to prepare things they like, and avoid the "issue" foods. Also, explain the new rules to them well before dinner and make sure they understand them. You might also have them help make dinner so they feel a part of it.

As the mom of teen age daughters I'd strongly suggest you NEVER make food into control issue - trust me, you'll lose. Natural consequences are the best teachers! Good luck.

You sounded just like me... I am sorry that you haVE EXPERIENCED what I have..... I know this may sound stupid or not what other people will say.... after the last eight years of my son hating dinner time and being too thin... I have found the items he enjoys and believe it or not the rest of the family such as auntie and uncle and rammie and grampa ... have done the same.... we provide him with the items he enjoys and we still eat what we want. It became a matter of this, he was underweight and was not growing as he should and simply it broke my heart to see him cry over food and nutrients. I felt like the worst mother in the world too and now dinner is enjoyable and family time again. They are only small once and do we want to look back on the family dinner time as "war and tears" and do we want them to feel that way? Goodness no!!!! I know they will grow out of it and eventually eat more thins but until then do you want calm and peace and nice dinner time conversation? That is what I decided. I hope it helps. Hugs to you and your family.

I was a picky eater, and I will tell you what my mom did. She made one meal. Period. We were then required to eat at least one bite of everything, before we were allowed to say we didn't like it. We were also not allowed to leave the table without eating at least one bite. We ate only what my mother had prepared, though we usually also had stuff like applesauce and cottage cheese with the meal. We clearly understood the rules and there was no screaming, though much resistance on our part (especially ocra... blech), but we did not leave the table without trying one bite. If we did leave the table with trying, it was breakfast. If we tried it and still didn't like it there was always something with the meal we would eat...
You might try sitting the family down (including hubby), Explain the new rules and expectations, make a sign, what ever you use in your house for rules, and then relax. If they will not eat, they will not eat. Going to bed hungry once in a while will not hurt either one. Also, if you make them try it each time they will eat it (though maybe not till college).
The other thing is that you need to rename your 'picky eater.' Calling a child a picky eater sometimes locks them into that mold. Try instead to think of it as 'Dominating her meals' or 'choosing' and that might help you both.

One more thing, you might have your oldest start to help you with preparing dinner. She may pick one dish that you prepare together, or that you walk her through. This helps to give her a little power over the meal (she will likely eat more of that one thing), helps her understand why you don't make many meals, just the one for everyone, and gets you help with the meal. You could sit with her on the weekend and go through cookbooks to choose her dish, make a list of the things you need, go to the supermarket, walk her through the whole proccess. My father tried to do that with me, but my mother discouraged it. I was more likely to eat what I had picked... In fact, what I ate the most of was stuff I could make myself... hmmm hadn't realized that till right now...

Make sure hubby understands that he needs to back you 100%. If you say it, he needs to agree in front of the kids and only argue about it away from them. Remind him that threats of punishment are also promises to children and that children need to have promises fullfilled or it is a lie and lieing to children teaches them to lie to you...

Anyway, I hope something in here was helpful to you
Good luck
R.

Hi L.,

Maybe you could try to just have their company at the table.

Fix their plates and have your usual conversation, but don't make them eat - and they need to stay at the table until dinnertime is over.

If they tell you later they are hungry, too bad...they eat when the family eats and if they choose to not eat, they don't eat. They won't starve.

Right now it is a control issue. If you take the power struggle out of it, you will have a different outcome and
the issue becomes about the children making choices with consequences.

This advice is based on information given to a group of parents by a parenting coach.

I hope it helps and wish you luck

R.

I share your pain, but I don't know if I have any advice for you! I usually give my kids a snack after school, because my older one gets crazy if she gets "over hungry", but I try not to give them too much so they are hungry at dinner time. I agree that the dinner time battles are NOT conducive to nice family eating. Some days for us are just a screaming match and then miraculously, sometimes they go smoothly. Maybe if you all sat down (without food) and talked about it, your kids would have some input. I will not accept them eating mac & cheese daily (which would be heaven for them) but I make sure that there is at least one thing that they will eat on the table. You might be surprised at what your kids come up with. We have family meetings twice a year to discuss chore assignments, and it usually goes pretty well, at least for the first couple of months, when the kids have input into the decisions. good luck!

What is the yelling, threatening, and hubby's lack of consistent discipline about -- is it about how much the kids are eating/not eating? What they're eating/not eating? Or is it just keeping everyone at the table with good behavior long enough to have family together time? A lot of your note sounded familiar to me, and I'm going to assume that the problems involve getting the kids to eat, and eat real food rather than junk. ... My husband and son are picky eaters. My daughter's much easier to feed but she's gotten into the habit the rest of the family has, of negotiating what she'll eat or not eat to "earn" dessert. I don't have any magic solutions, but there are things that will help. If the big issue is getting the kids to eat a nutritious meal, that's the most important thing anyway. The more you try to force them to eat the more they will resist it, and anyway it turns dinner into a battleground which is miserable for everyone (but you've learned that already). You CAN'T force kids to eat. Instead, do all you can to ENCOURAGE them to eat nutritious things. Make sure they're not filling up all afternoon on junk. Don't let them snack within an hour of dinner (however, if your dinner is late due to your hubby's work schedule, like ours is, and your kids are hungry an hour or two before, try putting out a tray of fruit and veggies with some dip. If they whine for snacks, tell them, "go ahead, take anything you want from this tray. If you don't want that food, then you have to wait til dinner to eat." Repeat that rule without getting upset. If the kids end up filling up so much on these fruit/veggie snacks they're not hungry at dinner, that's OK because they've basically just had fruits/veggies for dinner! Then just have them sit at the table to be part of the conversation while you and hubby eat.) ... Call nutritious foods "growing foods," but don't call things "bad" or "sinful" or "junk" food. Say "that food won't help you grow very well, so we only eat a little bit of it, and not every day." ... Try having them pick out the fruits/veggies they like when you buy groceries. At home, take turns -- one night, the older kid decides what veggies to have with dinner; the next night it's the baby's turn. Ditto with the "starch" (and if you need alternatives to rice and potatoes, try couscous or quinoa. Both cook quickly and are very nutritious. Kids can eat them easily with spoons. The couscous especially is bland so it's not likely to turn them off.) ... If the kids always pick the same item over and over, that's OK, too. You want them to get comfortable with healthy food. They'll broaden their tastes for other items later. Also it helps to keep very little junk food in the house. This is a problem for us. If it's here, we all want it and crave it and it becomes the big focus (me included). I've found that if I go four or five days with no desserts in the house, the kids stop expecting them, then dinner becomes about dinner and not about how much they have to eat to get dessert. Unfortunately we haven't had consistent luck with this because my husband loves desserts, insists on keeping them in the house and loves to share them with the kids. That's a bit of quality time between them but unfortunately it sometimes undermines meals. If this is the case at your house, too, try clearing all sweets out of the house for a few weeks and see if it makes your life easier. Then later you can re-introduce desserts on a limited basis, maybe making them a Saturday-night treat for everyone rather than everyday? ... Beyond desserts, encourage the kids to find food they like, and build from there. Ex: my son always hated green beans. However, he likes garlic. I finally got him to eat green beans by blanching them (so they're crisp-tender and still bright green), then tossing them in a teensy bit of garlic-flavored olive oil. I let him eat them with his fingers. I know another mom whose kid finally started eating green beans when she told her, "y'know, green beans are kind of like french fries -- look! They're the same shape!" and that's all it took (my kid would never fall for that, but hey, it worked for her)! Another friend gets her son to eat any veggie by letting him dip it in ketchup. For my kids, ranch dressing or hummus is good dip and they're more likely to eat baby carrots if I give them a tiny bowl (Dixie cup?) of dip on the side. ... Along the lines of building on what they already like, the way it's worked for me is seizing on condiments. My son is very picky about his food, but besides garlic he also decided he likes pesto! (it's green and tastes strong, but it's full of garlic and cheese, so he was OK with it). Once I showed him that the big flavor in pesto is basil, he was willing to eat basil on things -- and willing to eat things I put basil in! He now eats omelettes with a bit of dried basil sprinkled in. He'll also eat vegetables tossed in pesto, or in a bit of melted butter with the dried basil. He also discovered hot sauce, so now I can get him to eat all kinds of things (eggs, spaghetti squash, baby spinach, black beans) by giving him the hot sauce to dribble all over it. So find a flavor or condiment your kids like and offer it to them with a wide variety of foods and they might be more willing to try the new stuff when it comes with a familiar taste. (Just don't let them drown everything in huge amounts of salad dressing, mayo or cheese. If this is the only kind of condiment they like, give them a little portion of it in a tiny bowl on the side so they're not ingesting enormous amounts of fat) ... Let the kids help you prepare your meals. Mixing meatball ingredients, or tossing a salad, or washing fruit, or stirring pasta in the pot, whatever -- if they help prepare the food, they take pride of ownership in it and are more likely to eat it. Start with really small helper steps -- my daughter loves to stir scrambled eggs! ... Also find fun ways to serve the food that let the kids play a bit. Bite-size chunks of things they can eat with fingers; anything that can be dipped (other good dips: salsa, mustard, yogurt, fresh-squeezed lemon juice); put chunks of fruit or meat on skewers or toothpicks; serve fruit smoothies in colorful cups or wine goblets; serve soup in tiny espresso mugs or in a favorite cereal bowl, etc. ... If you like making homemade soup, find a few veggie-heavy recipes your kids will eat. My daughter eventually fell in love with soups based on butternut squash. My son is more suspicious of soup but he'll eat "dragon's blood" (tomato) soup (because I let him sprinkle basil in it! A little cheese on top doesn't hurt either). Both kids like crackers or bread -- I give them half a slice -- with soup. Do not regularly feed your kids storebought canned soups; they're loaded with salt and yucky chemical ingredients. ... Don't ban your kids' favorite foods but don't allow them to get so attached to one single food that you end up with a food jag, where they'll eat nothing else. My son would gladly eat tons of mac n cheese every meal, for months at a time if I let him. No way! I tell my kids that their bodies need lots of different foods. If my son's had mac n cheese three times already this week, he's got to have something else today. Ditto for ANYTHING that's not fresh fruit, fresh vegetable, lean chicken or fish (meaning, not chicken nuggets or fish sticks) (if they want to eat enormous quantities of grapes or grilled chicken every day, that's OK!). And also, make sure the kids understand that they don't have to eat everything on their plate. In fact, they don't HAVE to eat anything at all for dinner. But you will not prepare an alternate meal for them and of course once dinner is over they will not get anything else before bed except water (no desserts, no deciding right before bed that now they're hungry, no glass of milk, whatever). This gives them control over their meal, you don't have to nag them, they will not starve to death if they skip one meal --but you're not filling them up on junk or making yourself crazy preparing two, three or four different dinners every night. ... Let kids serve themselves if they're old enough to do this. That gives them control over their own portions and will lessen their feeling that dinner's being forced on them. ... Our rule is, when there's a new food at the table (or in a restaurant), everyone has to taste it -- one bite! If they don't like it they don't have to eat any more of it. If you're introducing a new food, do it when everything else on the table is familiar and there's something there they WILL like. You don't want to force them to eat the new thing. ... Make sure you are modeling healthy eating for them. Snack on fruit, drink milk, eat reasonable portions, don't binge on junk food. You can't expect your kids to eat healthfully if they see you doing the opposite. ... As for setting a nice, calm, happy tone at the dinner table -- try putting a little votive candle at each person's place (as long as your kids are old enough to keep fingers away from them), or a single pillar candle as a centerpiece; put on quiet music in the background, and definitely keep the TV and cell phones off! ... Sorry this is so long. You struck a chord; I have so been there. A lot of these tactics have helped us hugely, though I still have to fight the urge to insist my kids eat every morsel of nutrition I put in front of them. I'm still training myself to treat food in a calm, casual, no-big-deal-you-can-eat-anything-in-the-house-at-snack-time-because-everything-here-is-healthy way myself. ... None of these strategies worked for me instantly and I certainly didn't learn all of them at once. My kids are 9 and 6 so we've been at this a long time. However, all of these things helped me in the long run; maybe they'll work for you too. Good luck.

I once heard that kids can control 2 things--eating and going to the bathroom. So, this is where you will have the most power struggles. It does sound like a power struggle to me! So you need to take their power to frustrate you away. I think the suggestions you have gotten are good. They eat what they eat and if they don't, they will be hungry. Don't plead , beg, yell or scream. They will soon see that they don't have the power anymore. I don't think any child has ever starved to death from refusing to eat. At our house we require that the kids have to take 2 bites of everything so they try new foods. I don't make something separate for the kids but I usually have something on the plate that I know they will eat like applesauce or fruit. We don't have dessert every night, but if we do they have to have eaten a good meal to get it. Good luck, get your husband on board and go for it.

You should know what kinds of foods your kids like and don't like. With the ones that they do like, make fun dinner meals. Have your girls help you set the table, serve the easy food. My kids help me mix ingredients for the easy to prepare foods I get from Tastefully Simple.

www.tastefullysimple.com/web/dvillaruel

You can still have FUN without playing at the dinner table. Place the vegetables in the middle of the plate, then decorate around the vegetables with the chicken or ( meat product).

Cut their pieces into shapes, for your 3 1/2 year old. ;-)

All good advise, but haven't seen this one.

My son is the youngest and the picky one. He use to get up on the chair when I was putting it on the table and say (I HAAAATE THAT). Then I would put down the next item and he would say (I HAAAATE THAT). To almost everything. I told him that this wasn't McDonalds and you can't order diffrent items. This of course made me hate dinner time also. How ungreatful you are to complain when I have to think about what to make and make dinner. I told him at 2 if you don't like it make your own dinner, or get down and go to bed hungry. My hubby thought that going to bed hungry was out of the question (apparently he went to bed hungry alot), and wasn't about to have his children go hungry. My son learned to get himself a hot dog, he would put it on a plate and cook it in the microwave. We would get it out of the microwave simply so that he wouldn't burn himself. He ate a dog sometimes 4 nights a week. But he grew tired of making his own dinner and learned to eat what was on the table. He still hates tacos so he will make himself nachos. He is 8 years old and has learned to cook Mac n cheese, top roman, little frozen pizzas, kid cuisines, hot dogs, cookies & chicken nuggets. I have learned that keeping easy foods in the house makes them eat better snacks, and they can do it all by themselves. I also don't allow them to eat 2 hours before dinner. Of course this doesn't always happen, but I don't worry about them starving. They have learned to take care of themselves. Hope this helps. J.

My advice is up there with alot of the responses. I have a 3 year old who has always been a picky eater and now even more so. We started simular rules as mentioned. We have cut out an afternoon snack nothing after 3 pm and we don't fight over dinner we sit down and eat and if he refuses to eat than so be it. he goes to bed with no dinner and gets no dessert or yogurt. its only been about a week and still no real success but we have only had a couple of nights crying but I think this will crack him into eating.

We had some real food issues about a year ago with my 5 year old. I forced her to eat one time and she threw up so I realized my approach had to change. Missing a meal will not make them starve. I make one meal at dinner now and that is what we eat. I used to save it but found that wasn't as affective. First off we don't fight about it anymore. The rule is not treats or snacks if they don't eat their dinner. No discussion at dinner beyond if they say they don't eat. Always respond the same way. If they don't eat, ok they will when they're hungry. Be consistent and firm and it will make a difference.

Good luck!

L.,
I don't have advice to offer, but I just want you to know that you are not alone! I have the same struggle every night with my 4 and 6 year old kids. So thanks for posting your request. I will surely benefit from all the suggestions you receive. Wow, not only do we share a first name but we share the same dinnertime battles! Good luck to you!
L. M

L.,

Sorry to hear about your "dinner drama". Something that helped me is getting my youngest involved in the cooking. There are tons of cookbooks available that have "kid friendly recipes" that you and your kids can prepare together. If they are involved in some of the cooking it might get them very excited about eating their creations. Then they might understand all the work that goes into preparing, serving, and cleaning up after dinner. It will make them proud to serve something they helped prepare and maybe give them a better respect for what you do.
I also "hide" veggies in my meals. I make cauliflower mashed potatoes and hide broccoli in meat loaf. I just grind up veggies in the food processor and sprinkle them in things like turkey meat loaf or my turkey meat balls. The kids get their veggies and they don't even know it.
You also might want to set up a reward chart at home and let them know what is expected of them for various parts of their day. Add dinner time on there and give them stickers on their chart for good dinner time behavior. Don't yell, just tell them before hand if they don't eat their dinner then they wont be getting a sticker on their charts. Once they earn enough stickers you can reward them with something small.
Also cut out snacks about 2-3 hours before dinner time. They will be hungry and maybe more willing to eat what is given to them.
I hope some of these suggestions help. Good luck!

T.

L.,

Very simple solution! Everyone sits down to eat. You set a kitchen timer for 20 minutes. At the end of the 20 minutes, whatever isn't eaten gets taken away. Cover it and set it aside. There is no other food the rest of the evening offered. If they are hungry or If they want dessert they have to eat their dinner which can then very easily be reheated. You do not need to say anything. Just enjoy your own dinner. The tick, tick, tick of the timer will remind them that they need to eat. If they choose not to eat, so be it. They will not starve, that's a fact. We've been doing this with my 3 1/2 and 10 year old for a month now and it's been working very well. Some days they forego the food and just eat a bigger breakfast the next morning.

My toddler started refusing to eat. It only takes a few times of setting the timer and then sending the kids to bed. No fighting, just a few reminders (you have 30 minutes to eat....20 minutes...10 minutes... a few more minutes.) Then pick up the plates, and put them to bed. They can shower in the morning. Whatever was leftover from the previous dinner not eaten gets presented the next night. They won't starve. My son still has his days, but most of the time dinner is so much easier. Good luck.

Whenever I ate with my sister-in laws children, I would be so ambarrested, because her children would gobble up their food, and mine would pick and not eat, and I would end up having to throw away the food, which made me feel awful. She never said anything, but one day, I mentioned it. She just said, I tell my kids that they have to be clean plater to have dessert (and she means it). I wasn't one to have a dessert at every meal, but then thought, what the hey. I tried it, and you know what? It worked. Yes, there was crying all night long from my one child who didn't think I would follow through, but by the next meal, he was ready to eat! They could do it! There have been a few things that I have added on an as-need-basis. At times, I will let then dish up their own food, so they can't say that I gave them too much (but they have to take at least one bite of everything.) Another time, I choice to show a little mercy, when I made this delicious meal for adult, but obviously not tasty to kids (there were muchrooms, onions, red peppers, kidney beans, etc.) I reminded my kids about dessert for clean platers, and man was it funny! They were gulping it down with water, etc, so they wouldn't have to taste it. The mercy part was that I let them chose one thing that they could pick out and put on the side of their plate (ie, the mushrooms, onions,etc.), but other wise they had to eat the rest. That nights every single one of my 4 kids were clean platters. The trick I think was for me to know that they could do it, if they really wanted to bad enough.

L. C.'s response hit the nail on the head. You have to step back and realize that your only responsibility is putting healthy food on the table. It is your kids' job to decide whether or not to eat it. The best resource that I've found on this subject is Ellen Satter's book "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense."

And, I hear you about Dad's "help." My husband also couldn't stand to see his daughter not eat and possibly get down from the table hungry, so he would put food on the fork of our 3 year old and play all sorts of games to get her to eat. This creates a big problem. We are now separated (not over this!) and since the kids have been with me at dinner time for the most part the battles have resolved (though there are lingering effects). You eat what you are given or you don't eat til the next meal/snack. So much more straight-forward and less exhausting!

Good luck!

We started a 3 bite rule for new foods. One bite to taste it, another to think about it and one last bite to decide if they like the food. This has lead them to always trying and sometimes discovering new food likes.
We also have nights were each child gets to pick the menu and they help cook it.
If there is something served they don't want to eat, then my kids will be hungry that night. Don't give in and give a snack later, just remind them they chose to be hungry. A skipped meal isn't the end of the world. Also, cut off snacks at least 2 hours before dinner so they are hungry.
Good luck.

I agree wtih L. C. Another thing you might try is maybe having the girls help you cook - each pick a side dish or help prepare something, and take turns picking dessert (or even picking a side dish and if dinner goes great for 4 days, a special dessert). Another idea might be doing crockpot stuff or something that's easier for you so that there's less general stress before the meals.

I have two suggestions.

First, have the kids help with dinner. Sit down with them and a cookbook, and have them pick some meals they would like(maybe 3 a week). Then take them with you to the store and have them find the things you need, and have them help prepare dinner at home. This will make them feel like they have a little more control over what they're eating.

Secondly, stop forcing them to eat. If they don't like what's being served for dinner, then they don't have to eat, but they will not be getting anything else, and must remain at the dinner table until everyone else (you and your hubby) have finished eating. No snacks or dessert if they haven't eaten your dinner.
You do not need to yell or get into a struggle with them. If they get hungry they will eat what you have prepared, and if not, they'll survive. I have yet to see a child starve themself.

What I do with my 5 yr old is first off set a time limit. I bought an egg timer that sits at the table with us. we sit down and I set it for 20 mins. So he can see how much time he has left to eat. If he finishes his plate in the time he gets a sort of desert. A little ice cream, or whatever they like. He knows that if he chooses not to eat he does not get anything else for the rest of the evening and goes to bed hungry. It has made dinner time so much easier. I don't have to yell at him to eat anymore. And if its something he doesn't like so long as he takes a couple bites and really doesn't like it I will make him a sandwhich instead so I am not forcing him to eat something he doesn't like. Good luck to you and remember if you relax the kids will relax. Don't feel like a bad mom trying to make them eat you are doing a VERY good thing by having dinner time as a family.

This is only a thought because my own children are rabbits and love to eat all sorts of veg and salad and fruit, not because of me, but some distant genes.
:
For a while just serve what they like - like pizza and ice cream, or is it beans on toast?( a British stand by) and then after a while slowly put the good stuff back on the table. You husband can have his own plate of what he likes.
Also use funny dishes. We have the world's largest supply of Bunnykins plates = picked up when we live over seas. Paper monkeys are good and easy to find.

Just a thought = good luck.
B. v. O.

I have one picky eater of my own and have done daycare for many, many years and have come across many more picky eaters. My rule has always been one bite that's it, every time we have something and they can only choose one item that is off limits to them. I have never met a kid who doesn't start liking the item they hated or it even ends up becoming their favorites. Recently I had a 2 year old that discovered after many "this is yucky "after eating boiled eggs announced I like eggs and was so excited and told everyone she saw. My own daughter was shrimp it was a battle everytime because we couldn't say it was chicken like most meats until the day she ask how many can I have and always wants the most. Serve a certain food most often maybe twice a week till they get used to it but still make them taste everything that you don't serve as often and don't make it worse just one bite and you are all done with that item. Happy dinnertime to you and your family because it should be the best time of the day.

I think you need a different approach.

They will eventually eat if there are no other options.

At our house, the one hard and fast rule is, you must finish your milk before you leave the table. I figure at least then, he's gotten something in him with some vitamins. The rest of it is up to him. If he doesn't eat, I remind him the "kitchen is closed" there will be no snacks, no dessert, nothing else that evening. Sometimes he eats more, sometimes he elects to leave the table and not eat anything else that night.

Making deals and arguing about it doesn't seem to work...this keeps the peace and he seems to be getting better at eating what I put out. He's growing, so he's getting enough!

-M

I'm fortunate that my daughter is a good eater. But when she's distracted (TV, playing games at the table), I have the bargain with her, such as, "Take two more bites, and then...[something good]."

I know you're frustrated. The whole point of you sitting down as a family to dinner is to bond, so the battles really don't help anybody.

When we were kids, my mom just left our plate on the table or put it in the fridge until we were hungry. No other snacks/dessert--if you're hungry, eat your dinner. No battles. Sooner or later, we got hungry.

Good luck! db

I have similar problems with my two youngest(9 1/2 and 3 1/2). I was wondering if you have tried to explain how it is for you?/ Always making different dinners, how maybe it hurts your feelings when they refuse to eat? I know the 3 year old wont really understand but the 9 year old should. At our house we have finally told them that they can eat what I have made or they can be excused from the table. It hard to follow through but at the same time making 1 dinner versus 2 or even 3 is alot easier on me. Plus it takes alot less time to get dinner on the table. With my son (the 9 yr old), he is the pickest of all it took a few days to get the message across but its caught on now. He doesn't say much just sits down and eats. My 3 yr old- her appitiate isn't much at dinner time( she eats great breakfast and lunches and maybe 1 afternoon snack) so she eats very little off of her plate. Good luck to you- talk to them about how it makes you feel. And know you aren't the only working their way through this. Best wishes-
J.

I have 3 kids. The first I did the whole, got to eat or else thing.

The others I let them decide to eat or not.

This taught them to "listen" to their bodies. It was hard. Somedays, they'd pick on things and others pig out.

But while the older one has weight issues; the other two are work out and eat healthy. The latter two's idea of losing weight (usually after the holidays) is to cut back snacks for a week or two. The older one and I are constantly fighting the battle of the bulge.

My kids are all grown up. One is a stay at home mom, the middle is a doctor and the youngest an insurence underwriter.

I also hate dinner-my kids dont stay in their seats, they try to bring toys to the table. they wont eat anything. What I do--and it helps, I always have things that I know they will eat. like baby carrots and fruit. If we have pasta, I leave some noodles naked. I want the kids to try things, and sometimes they will. I have been so mad I get up from the table and do not finish dinner. #1 they are not allowed to complain about food that some one else makes them. That is plain rude.

Let's see, I have 2 small boys, 4 and 6 who hate to eat. They come to the table saying, boy that looks terrible ! I say, that's fine ,just come and sit with us, and I do not comment on the food. I then remind them that they are loosing out on play time by sitting on the table for so long, since they cannot leave until they eat. I then eat my food . I will remind them again that they cannot play until they eat. By then they usually ask, how many bites ? I will tell them 6 or 7--- never more than 10 and they will gladly eat that and get it over with and leave the table.. Or I will tell them to at least eat the meat and the veggies( a few bites ). They can leave on the plate what they REALLY do not like and I leave it at that. 5 or 6 bites is often all they eat but i really don't want drama on the table very night....

You have received so many good advice. You need to see what works for you and your family. I have two boys 11 and 6 and I place a small portion of everything on the plate and ask them to take two bites (I usually do one thing they really love). They usually know that if they want more of what they really like they need to finish everything else. This helps in portion control also. If they do not finish everything I tell them to give thanks for the food and place it on the counter. We talk about their day at school, my day at work and dad's day. We also go around the table and thank everyone for what they contributed to dinner, making it, setting the table, getting the drinks (as small or big) and that helps the boys feel like they have a say on dinner...hope this helps

My mother in law came up with this idea, I was not overly thrilled, but it did work. She had a rule, you had to eat every item on your plate according to your age. So your 9 year old had to eat 9 bites of everything. Sometimes if you proportion it close, she will eat it all or most of it. It helped in my family. My two older daughters (11 and 8) still use this if it is something they don't really care for. I used to get stressed at dinner just trying to figure out what to make them, but now it's better. This may work better for your younger daughter than your older one but it may be worth the try. We also make a rule, if you don't eat your age, no snacks/dessert after dinner, even fruit. That helped alot. Also try having your older one help ypu prepare dinner. She will be proud she did it and they are more likely to eat it than not. (because she made it). Good luck
K. E

I think if I were you, I would sit down with your husband and eat, and not even invite the girls to the table. I am afraid the coercion is going to end up creating eating issues, and is certainly creating a ton of stress. You might tell them that you and daddy are going to have dinner, if they would like to eat before they go to bed they can join you, otherwise they can have breakfast in the morning. If you stick to it for a few nights, they might get hungry enough to eat.

I try to help parents deal with these issues everyday. How do you get your little ones to eat healthy, nutritious recipes that are easy, fast and fresh for you to prepare. My advice is don't force them. If kids are hungry, they will eat. The more pressure you put on them and yourself, the harder it will be on everyone. I'm sure you're making delicious food, but it's becoming a "who's got the power" situation.
If you want more ideas and recipes, check out www.weelicious.com.
Good luck!

My sister had this issue and it was suggested to her to make the dinner but don't fill the plates. Set them on the table with the food in the middle(have all food groups represented). Then you and your husband sit down and start filling your plates and eating. Don't fill the kids plates. The kids will not like having empty plates and will eventually ask for some food. Kids are not going to starve themselves and if they miss a meal or two it's not going to hurt them. Also don't force them to take everything that's on the table.
My sister was just as frustrated as you seem to be when she started this and was very happy when it worked. Her picky children ate, and even asked for things they said they didn't like because their mom and dad were eating it.
This worked for my sister and took the stress out of mealtime. I'm sure it will work for you. And just a side note, I don't have particularly picky eaters, but my kids love it when they get to serve themselves. Good luck!

We have dinner struggles as well so I totally relate. Some suggestions that have worked for me. I ended up making a snack cut off time. No more snack about 2 hrs before dinner so they were actaully hungry for dinner time. Also if they didn't eat an acceptable amount of food without complaint no dessert. Lastly if they insist they are "done or not hungry" i ask them to still sit nicley with the rest of us to talk about our days and have family time. If I think they really aren't hungry I don't force them to eat. I tell you putting the kabosh on snacks close to dinner helped a lot. My children are 3 and 6. For my 6 yr old if he refuses to eat with us and then after dinner says hungry and asks for snack i say no. (I do give him a glass of milk but no "snack") and explain if he had eaten with us he wouldn't be hungry. It was hard for us the complaining and tears at dinner as well. It has gotten better. Good luck!

Try the book how to get your kids to eat, but not too much, it really helps. It talks about your job to provide the healthy meal and its there job to eat it.

I would give them three meals, morning and afternoon snack. I would limit junk foods or cut them out altogether if you can. Keep fresh fruits and vegetables available to them as a snack. I would not let them have a snack later than 3:30 or 4 p.m. For meals, I would decide on whatever menu for the week and prepare just one meal for every meal time, not a separate meal for each person. If they choose not to eat what you are serving, then they don't get dessert. They can drink water or milk with their meals; try to limit their intake of juice because whole fruit is better and has less sugar than juice. Let them help with meal preparation (stirring, measuring, mixing, setting table, etc.) When you sit down to eat, don't nag them or talk about food at all. Serve them 1-2 tablespoons of each food and if they are hungry they can have more. When I was growing up, the rule was if it is a new food you are trying, you have to have at least one tablespoon of it. If you don't like it, after that, you don't have to eat it anymore. Just have conversation about ordinary things and enjoy time you can spend with them. If they are truly hungry, they will eat.

You may want to have the 9 year old help you prepare dinner, have the 3 year old help set the table. Make it a family thing to do. I always told my kids that this wasn't a restaurant where they can order off the menu. I do ask that they try something they think they don't like. Between my three kids, one liked meat best, one liked the starch (rice or potatoes) and one liked veggies! If I made pasta and the one doesn't want sauce, then I would put her bowl aside and mix the sauce into the rest. You want the focus to be on the family talk around the table and away from the power games. There was already a suggestion here about cutting off snack time and I agree. That made a huge difference in my household. In addition to the no dessert rule if dinner was not eaten. Good luck to you, I hope some of these suggestions help.

Have you read the book child of mine? I remember it being very helpful. Kids are going to eat what they eat. Strive to make a dinner where they will eat at least one thing--even if it is bread. Then say they have to try a bite of everything else. It sucks. But if you are consistent they learn the rules. We have been consistent for 6 years and I will say my picky daughter is FAR LESS PICKY than all of her friends who play food power games. Not every dinner is fun, but she causes a lot less of a scene.

You can also let each of them choose a menu once a week. It has to contain a fruit or vegetable. This way they at least feel like they have agency.

Good luck--our dinners often have tears too, but you are helping them I promise.

Check out savingdinner.com to help you plan meals ahead of time and give you different choices of what to serve. Getting rid of that stress might leave you more time to deal with other issues.

I understand that getting children to try new foods so they can experience it and making sure they get proper nutrition is important to us. However, I don't think forcing the issue by making them take a bite of something they really don't like is going to help in the long run. I know there are many recipes out there that hide veggies in them very well. If they take one bite, they are really not getting the nutrition they need from such a small amount anyway. I never made it an issue at my house and my boys did not eat some veggies for quite some time. However, they all will eat a decent number and amount of veggies now and will do so on their own. I think making it mandatory that they eat something might be creating more of an aversion to that food in the long run. Good luck!

I feel ya. I dread dinner time sometimes too. Make what you want and if the kids don't want to eat, don't make them- but don't let them have anything else! Sometimes a favorite dessert after they eat ALL of their food can be motivation for them. Your kids will not starve. Have a talk with your husband about your efforts at making dinnertime better for everyone and ask him for his help. Try to not complain. It's O.K. if you don't all eat dinner together every night. As long as you are all together once day it doesn't matter if it happens at dinner or not. Focus on what is most important- your relationship with your family- not your picture perfect world. Best Wishes.

So sorry, sounds like you are not enjoying this time you created for your family at all! I just want to offer support, not sure what to say. The only thing I can think of is maybe they are snacking to much and that is why they are not hungry at dinner time. Maybe move dinner time back a bit or take away a late snack. Good luck to you.

I used to get really frustrated at dinner like you.

I second the ideas posted here, especially the snack cut off time. That has helped me a lot. Hungry kids = better eaters.

Try involving them more with making the dinner. My kids want to eat dinner if they had a hand in making it. You can also try a build your own pasta night, build your own pizza night, build your own baked potato. Give them choices. You can maybe throw some incentives in, like having a special dessert after dinner. Don't overdo yourself by modifying the dinner just so your kids will eat. Moms do enough as it is, we cannot add 'short order chefs' to our resumes.

My kids are poor night eaters, but they eat well during the day. I've learned to accept this. If your kids have at least one good meal during the day, then they're probably o.k.

Young children often establish bad eating habits when they are preschoolers. I agree that dinner should not be a battlefield. For your younger daughter maybe you could use a special plate....Disney, Cartoon, etc. Hannah Montana may work for your 9 year old. Make sweets an extra special treat for dinners which are eaten. No dinner should alway equal no dessert. When filling plates use teaspoon amounts. They can always ask for more. I like the idea that says cover uneaten dinner and let them know that they can reheat and eat later. However, your children should know that not eating does not excuse them from the table and make it clear that it is family time until dinner is complete. Have you tried to let the kids plan your menus with you. Cut out food pictures and let you 3 year old pick what she would like to eat. Do the same with your older daughter in a different manner. Let her help cook.
Good luck and if you feel you are going to lose it, take a deep breath and remember someday your grandchildren will get even for you. :)

This sounds like a very difficult time for you and your family and I am sorry for that! Well my suggestion is probably one you have gotten from these other fabulous moms!Set an appropriate time like 20 min or so and say that they have to eat and stay in their seats! If anything is eaten than great and there can be a desert reward and if not it is immediate bedtime! By doing this your girls will learn that they are in control of their behavior! If you and your husband stay calm regardless of their tears and say "okay now it is bedtime, you didn't eat, maybe tomorrow night you can join in" they will be shocked and learn pretty quickly that you run this show!

My 4 year old never eats, but at dinner time she doesn't mess around because she knows she will be in bed right after if not! Thank God my 19month old LOVES to eat! He is a little chunk! Good luck and let us know if it worked at all!
E.~

Hi L.,

You've gotten a lot of responses and I didn't bother to read them all but I did want to tell you that I know how frustrating it is when you just want to do something fun and family oriented and it ends up being the complete opposite. Now, it may have been suggested before but I'm thinking that your 9-year old is old enough to start helping out with cooking dinner and so is your 3-1/2 year old to a very limited extent.

If you don't do it already, you may want to sit down with the girls (and your husband if he is interested) to discuss the weekly menu. Look over cookbooks and food magazines together and let them choose something to put on the menu each day and you do the same as well. I'm thinking that this kind of give and take and getting them involved in the process will help them be a little bit more adventurous and end the power struggle that has been going on at the table.

One last thing that I wanted to mention is that in my household the rule is, you have to take at least one taste and if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. That doesn't mean that I'm going to rush to the kitchen to make you something else you might like instead -- it just means that you're off the hook for that one particular food and you can eat whatever else that is being offered at that meal as well.

I hope that this helps to decrease some of the stress that you have been feeling. All in all, try not to make the whole what to eat/what not to eat a big issue. Somethings are not worth the drama. Compromise on the little things if you can, even if it means setting aside some plain chicken breasts for your daughters to eat and topping the rest with tomato sauce and mozzerella cheese for you and your husband to eat at dinner. Try not to let this whole thing become bigger than it really is.

Good luck and happy eating.

Hi. I just wanted to tell you not to stress so much. Sitting down to dinner is important of course, but let your kids eat as much as they can. They will not starve themselves. Sometimes my kids just aren't hungry at dinner. So I let them eat what want and sometimes alittle later they will eat alittle bit more. It really is not worth it to fight at such a special family time. So take a deep breath and enjoy dinner. It was hard for me to learn this too, but I found out it makes for a much better night for everyone. Also if the kids don't feel like eating at dinner you and your husband can have a nice dinner alone!

I have hated dinner time for while too. Now, things are a bit different. I suggest putting your children's dinner in front of them (not a separate meal- but whatever you are eating), sitting down, setting a timer for an appropriate length of time (20 minutes maybe), and enjoying your meal as a family.
Explain to the kids that they have the amount of time on the timer to eat their dinner, if they do they get dessert, if they don't you will take away their plate and they can go play or get ready for bed or whatever your next step in your night routine is.

Do this every night. Just ignore them. If they eat they eat if the don't they don't. Leave it out if they don't eat it and if they ask for food later you can give it back to them (you don't want them to think that they cannot eat it and then get a PB&J after the fact). Stop the battle. Stop getting mad. Ask them questions about their day. Talk to your husband about his day. Make "dinnertime" an enjoyable family activity. They are not going to never eat- they just have to learn your expectations and that you are not going to waiver on the way dinner goes.

Hi L.,
You have so many responses here! I am sure that there are lots of great ideas to help your family have happy dinners:)
I just have one thing to say about dinners...
making your children clear their plates "or else" is one way that kids get fat. Then to offer dessert for clearing their plates....ugh....hello obesity!
I know that sounds bad, but we have never have dessert in our house. My kids gets yummy food and treats, but I never bribe them with sweets for eating their dinner and they never have a dessert after their dinner. I don't know why someone would want the last thing that their kid eats to be junk! That is crazy to me!!
My son does get sweets, but never after dinner or at a time of day when I want him to be focused or restful.
I have a sweet tooth so I share with him when I am sneaking a treat:)
We are a very healthy family....I am a vegan and my kids eat little meat/dairy.

I know that there are lots of foods that I didn't enjoy until my 20's! I didn't even try avacado until about 4 years ago, and now I eat one everyday!
There are still lots of veggies that I do not like, but I try to eat them because they are good for me. So, I know that kids really don't love all veggies. I would want to cry at the table if someone made me eat a bowl of spinach! ha ha!!
My daughter loves broccoli, so I give it to her everynight! Not too exciting, but hey, she loves it and eats it! My son loves salads with carrots and tomatos and cucumbers...so I make salads for him. So we are all happy and eating healthy:)
I do cater to different likes in our family. I do not make 4 different meals, but I do a few different things like the broccoli and salads for example.
I think it's so great when my son gets so excited for his meals and I hear so many great things from him like "I love this, this is sooo yummy, this is my favorite,and I want more!" and I am not serving junk here:)
It can be more fun!
Maybe you and the kids can sit down and make a dinner menu for the week. It would be fun if you had build your own meals....like you could have chicken fajitas and have lots of toppings and let the kids choose what they want on them.
Or they could choose the veggies for the stir fry. They will more likely to eat the food if they are involved and I know we are all so busy...that is why maybe you can sit down for 30 minutes on the weekend and have them help you plan the menu.
Okay, I said way more than I had planned:)
good luck! I know you work hard preparing dinners and want special family time! Keep trying...it will get better!

I am not in this situation but in the past have dreaded figuring out what to make and keep it creative. I came across Dream Dinners. I'm not sure were you live and if you have access to one but it is fabulous. You pick out the meals that interest you online and pick out a session time. You visit the prep center and assemble your meals. You assemble all your meals into freezer safe bags with your cooking instructions for at home and you are set for a month or longer! It is all healthy and organic ingredients and the food is amazing!!!!! I am in love with it and never have to think about taking the hour to make dinner! Most dinners are really quick to make or bake. Like I said I am not in your situation but am sure I will be soon! Check it out at www.dreamdinners.com Good luck

Hi L.! After reading some of the responses, I am happy to read that you and I are not alone, chaos at dinner time sounds normal and now I feel better.. Things in our family are actually getting easier, I have been able to incorporate cooking time with my 6yr old boy and he loves it. Not every night though. I find that when they're hungry and I'm tired, it is an aweful mix. My husband sounds just like yours, he tries. Other than spending what my eldest son and I consider quality time, I changed our dinner hour to an earlier hour, to when I know they're going to start asking for a snack, have them hold off a little longer and find that they really want to have dinner. Then I can reward them with a treat or dessert, but not every time because then they expect it. On the successful nights we are able to play a board game, or do puzzle, and read a book or two. It's not always easy but not impossible.
One day at a time, you can do it,
M.
I am a mommy to two boys (6 and 4) and a girl (2)

Oh, how frustrating for you! ugh. I would hate dinner time, too (and sometimes I do at my house as well).

get and read anything by Ellyn Satter. my favorite is "Child of Mine" though all her books are great.

talk with your kids and hubby ahead of time and explain that things will be different from now on, so that they know the new "rules"

Make a tasty, nutritious meal that you enjoy, and one that's accessible to your kids. serve it up on the table, let them choose how much they want, and how much to eat. Don't make them clear their plates, or taste anything they don't want to. No threats, begging, discipline (other than be pleasant at the table), nagging, etc.

They eat as much or as little as they want of whatever you've made. Enjoy conversation with them and your DH, enjoy your good food, and relax!

BUT: no snack before bedtime (unless that's your usual routine) or begging for food afterward.

your kids won't starve, though they might be unhappy and/or uncomfortable the first few nights. they WILL eat as much as they need.

Really, you can't force them anyway, can you? :-)

Relax, enjoy your meals and your family's company.

Good luck!
C.

I haven't read the other responses and I am sure this one will most likely NOT help but I have to throw in my 2 cents anyway!~ I am an older mother with older theories but...when I was growing up we had to eat everything on our plate or go to bed. I once slept with a lima bean tucked away in the side of my cheek. Gosh I could have choked, not to mention I wasn't very smart to not flush it. As a result, I never made my son eat something/anything he didn't like. My only rule was that he had too try it. I always had a back-up even in it was something in a box as a last resort. As time went on he would say "I don't love it" or "it's not my favorite but I can eat it". He ate it and I never served it to him again.

The end result is that he is now an incredible eater. And, better than any of the kids he was in school with all those years. If we went out it was hardly ever that we ordered kids meals. We tried to get him small porions of chicken (not tenders) or fish. Sometimes I would share with him.

Also for the older one, you will find that when she goes out with others or is in their homes, she will eat and try things that she would never eat for you!~

Go easy and enjoy the time at dinner. My pediatrician's theory was that if he didn't want to eat, he didn't have to however he could not have JUNK. He got hungry? It had to be real food or fruit. Good Luck

I can only advise that the more you make an issue of it, the worse it gets.

L., L., L.,

DINNER TIME is a great time. Have you thought of having your older girl help with the preparation in the dinner menu? Helping you "cook"? If she was able to suggest things to eat for dinner and participated in the preparation it might make it somewhat more palatable for her to eat. Not that I'm saying you're a bad cook, but... LOL. Just kidding. And then, of course, dinner table conversation is imparative. I would say having a fun happy conversation, is more vital than even eating. Hey, and even the little one helping make a dessert and making sure every one eats so they can have dessert.

As for dinner table conversations... Having someone suggest a topic for the evening and getting their thoughts and suggestions. The nine year old can be your ally in helping you suggest ways that your younger one eat healthier full balanced meals if she knows the importance of it. And having her be the "teacher" for the younger one, she will set the example and start eating herself. COMMUNICATION IS KEY! And participation is VERY PRACTICAL in getting dinners to be FUN!

My family and I have always had dinner together and it was the best times of the day. Even if were only grill cheese sandwiches that were burnt on one side. You can even let them pick the topic, but AS FOR EATING AND BITES AND CHEWING... fuuuurrrrrgeeeettttiiit.

OH, AND THIS IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING, but my kids loved it... When I was growing up, we made HAPPY PLATES. Meaning we finished what was on our plate. Well, I took it a step further with my kids and we did the happy plate dance around the table. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING, AND THEY LOOKED SO FORWARD TO THAT DANCE.

oh, and sometimes their food was served with funny faces made from the food on their plate.

Dinner time is also the hardest part of my day. My older boys are 7 and 4. My twins are 9 months old. There are a few things that have helped me. First I give them a time limit. If they don't finish in 30 minutes then they don't get dessert. They are not allowed to watch TV during meal time and no toys at the table. They usually sit next to each other, but if they get too distracted and rowdy then I will separate them. I used to make them another quick meal if they refused to eat the food I made. But since having the twins I don't have time for that. Now I give them an option. They can eat what's on their plate now or go to their room, no play time, just take their baths read a book and go to bed early. Or come back when they are hungry. As soon as I say no play time and go to bed early, they start eating what's on their plate. I also don't make them finish everything. When they are halfway through they usually say they are done. So we compromise, I say 5 more bites, they say 3 so we settle on 4 bites. It's a power struggle. These tip don't always work, but they do help. Good Luck!