I Haven't Talked to My Mother in a Year

I had a similar situation with my mom, who lives right next door, so I have really had to deal with it. Surely the hardest emotional work I have ever done, and because neither of us plans to move away, the work goes on.

The most important thing I realized is that the concept of "mother" is blown out of proportion in our minds. If you explore the pain you feel, I think you'll discover that it's mostly because some part of you has been trained to believe your mother is somehow more right or more powerful than you. That was true when you were a helpless baby and a dependent child, but you are an adult now, and have as much (or more) likelihood of being a good parent as she had. There may also be some part of you that is terrified that your own children could end up feeling about you the way you feel about your mother – almost like you will curse yourself if you don't treat her with the appropriate love and respect.

I'm not sure exactly when I made this discovery, maybe in several smaller steps, but I finally "got it" that my mother is a flawed human being, and is no more right or powerful than anyone else, including me.

Wow. I almost laugh/cry everytime I realize that. All those years of struggling for her forgiveness, cooperation, love, respect… . No. She's my mother by accident of birth. Not my fault. Not her fault either, because she had four "accidental" daughters and has let us know she would not have chosen to mother any of us, had better birth control been available way back then. Of course she "loves" us all, but that seems to be as much something she believes she has to do as a simple truth that she experiences. The latent resentment and anger toward how her children changed her life still emerges today, and the resulting dynamic is that she believes we owe her love and respect because of all the sacrifices and hard work she endured on our behalf. And it's true, she did.

I have realized, though, that I do NOT want my daughter to love me for any grudging sacrifices I made for her. If she loves and respects me (and she does), it is because I love and respect her, admire her strengths, feel compassion for her weaknesses (some of which I surely contributed to when she was little), believe utterly in her unique wisdom, freedom and worth, and am grateful that she is in my life.

My mother gets my genuine love and respect to the degree she sees me, and treats me with love and respect, not because she holds the position of "mother" in my life. We are getting there, and if she's around another 10-15 years, we may make it. Until then, she has my compassion and as much patience as I can muster. Sometimes that's a lot, sometimes she "expects" in a passive-aggressive way, and I simply choose not to see her much.

And you know what? That's not only okay, it's pure, loving sanity. I don't give her anything of real value if my "love" is forced, if my "respect" is an act. From what I have learned about guilt and codependency, neither of those adds a bit of true happiness to the world, even though my mom might find them gratifying. Gratification and happiness are not always the same thing.

I think Carrie is right – forgiveness is for yourself. You can do this work independently of talking to your mother, though you might want to tell her some day when you manage it. And here's what I know about forgiveness: it means you have simply given up all hope for a better past, whether that's your childhood or the fight last year or the discomfort you felt one minute ago. It was what it was. Period.

At every moment, you have another chance to let it go and start from here. We can't change any of it, can we, except for our wish that it was somehow different?

So what if your mom wants you to apologize? That's her issue. If you have anything to apologize for, you get to decide what that is and when you're ready. If you have nothing to apologize for, you don't have to. You could write her back and simply say you can't find anything right now to apologize for, and have been feeling calmer since you've been out of touch. Period. No reasons, no excuses, no rationalization – just sweet and simple truth. (By the way, this is one reason I strongly believe we shouldn't make our kids apologize until they can do it sincerely. Look at what those demands do to us years later!)

Will your mother like your honesty? No way. People hate it when their predictable relationships become unpredictable, when they lose the power they thought they had. Are you afraid of hurting her? Sure, but you won't be hurting her, the truth will be hurting her. If you don't live your truth, that will be hurting you, right? Live from your truth. You've already found out how good that feels.

Hmmmm… I didn't realize how much I had to say about this. Blessings.

Well, she is still trying to "control" you... and her demand that you apologize because it is all your "fault" is her way to STILL control you.... from afar even.

Her ignoring you and the kids previously, was ALSO a "control" manipulation. This is what Toxic people do. They control by engaging or ignoring and of course "blaming" to make the person feel guilty.

Meanwhile, she will make you look like the "bad guy" to EVERYONE. As you see, they are ALL asking you why you don't write her back. So... your Mom is controlling them too... and making them make you feel bad.

You were happier.... with her not in your life. I understand that. I had a TOXIC sibling like that. I had to, expel her from my life. She caused so many mental/emotional problems in me and others. I was MUCH happier after that, and much more peaceful. Genuinely.

talk with your Hubby... let him read your post and your responses.
Your Mom, is TOXIC and so dysfunctional. Kids don't need that either. I would tell my kids that their Aunty is mean and I am standing up for myself and them. My Husband supported me. He understood because she created hell for him too.

For your kids, she is too unstable to be a consistent "good" influence in their lives. It is not your fault.

You do what if most healthy for you... and for your family. Sure she is your Mom... but she is damaging. Beyond familial obligations like if she were sick or was in the hospital... you can just keep a good distance from her. She will never understand, since she does not have normal values of what a "Mom" is... to her daughter. She emotionally messed up your life... and hurt you for years. You can forgive... but that does not mean "letting" a person hurt you more.... or having to change your entire life just for that person.

Just when you felt free of this... she has, again, attempted to manipulate you. I don't believe, she is being "nice" about it... she is instead demanding that you "apologize" to her and is still making you look bad and controlling you.

You are NOT a little girl anymore that she can damage. You are a big grown up WOMAN now.... with a Husband and children of your own. YOU decide, what legacy, you will expose them to.

all the best,
Susan

I would personally talk to the aunt and just say "I have realized my relationship with my mother is very toxic to my emotional health. I have no intention of contacting her at this time, and certainly don't consider myself exclusively responsible for our problems as she asserted in her letter. I hope she finds peace and recovery. I am working toward those myself."

And then just avoid her. Don't take her calls. If the aunt keeps pestering, ask her politely to please leave the subject alone.

I had to do the same with my mother to get her to stop stalking me and trying to manipulate me. She will try every avenue she thinks might work. Don't give in. Eventually she will probably get to a place where she can usually, when others are present, fake respectful behavior, and you can agree to meet her at a busy public park if you'd like to let the kids spend an afternoon with her now and then. But you do it on your terms, and you don't leave yourself alone with her for any reason. And you wait till it's been a good long while since she tried to find a new avenue into making you give in.

I'm just going to answer one small part of your Q "Is it fair to my kids..."

Is she the kind of person that if she wasn't family you would want in their lives?

and if not...

Why should family have lower standards than strangers? Especially as they have faaaaar more influence than the random person at the park, neighbor, etc.?

Send a small note that says you simply disagree. That you will not apologize for things that are not your fault. And that you will not write back a long letter explaining yourself, because there's no reason to say in 500 words, what can easily be said in about a dozen.

I know exactly how you feel.

Sometimes you've just got to jump ship. Like you said, since you've been able to let it all go, your life was so much more peaceful and you felt so much better... I'd stick with that.

As for your Aunt... I mean - look, no offense or anything but she's not really a part of the equation here. I'd ask her to leave it alone if she keeps opening the can on you every time she sees you.

Hang in there!!

(EDIT) P.S. -- Just because you no longer have a relationship with her doesn't mean you don't forgive her. I agree with others that forgiving is best for your own sanity... but forgiving does not mean reverting back to past harmful relationships.

You have a right to feel what you feel and to set certain limits with people that you feel don't have your best interest at heart, even if that person is your mother. I know, for me, there have been a couple of people that I have cut out of my life and it has basically been because they have betrayed me in a way that I can't imagine ever doing to them and they never took full responsibility for the hurt that they had inflicted on me. I'm not mad at them anymore. At this point I'm really just turned off. If these people were to approach me tomorrow and sincerely apologized and there was some indication that they understood what they had done to hurt me, then I'd probably give them another chance. But that hasn't happened yet so I am happy to let them lead their own lives and I, mine.

Hope this helps you get a better perspective of your own feelings and the decisions that you are making.

I am the CHILD of this situation. I was 7 when my mom decided to cut ties with her mother. I will say, I was old enough to remember what happened and i recall things from being 3 and 4, and a lot of other things that my grandma did. My grandma didn't know how to love more than one child, and she chose my mom's sister, so that made it difficult on my mom. And then she played favorites with me and my siblings, (4 of us total and i was second oldest). My mom had enough and ended the relationship. We did see her from time to time at funeral and it was most difficult on me because of how i was treated and I remembered it. As we have all gotten older though, my mom left it up to US if we wanted a relationship with her mom or her sister. i chose to not have anything to do with them, because no matter how much i can say i forgive the person I can't forget and won't put myself back in that position. My younger sister did devleop a relationship with my mom's sister. My mom's mom died about a year and a half ago, and i did go to the nursing home before she passed to support my mom who was there. My mom and I have had numerous conversations and she has never regretted her decision. We found out as she was doing all this to us growing up she was in early stages of alzheimer's and had dementia. Doesn't excuse the actions, but helps to explain them.

If you are going to cut ties, you need to really think about it, but it seems as if that happened a year ago, and you are ok with that decision. I think you need to send a letter to her, that explains that you are not ok with the relationship you and her have. And tell her why, and what is wrong with it. She may not even realize. Write it, and sit on it a few days. When you feel it's ready to send, send to her and leave it at that. I would tell her to only contact you if she wants to try and work on the relationship, if you are willing to work on it as well. if not, let her know that. But keep an open mind with your kids. As they get older, you an tell them what happened, but they may want to know her, and you can't get in their way of that.

if you want to talk more or have questions, you can message me privately.

It's okay if your kids don't have her in their lives. She's your mother, and the primary relationship is between the two of you. It sounds like your life is far better without her in it, and that's better for your kids! A lot of responses may tell you far different, but every familial relationship isn't meant to be just like every friendship or marriage isn't meant to be. The only thing you have to ask yourself is what you will do or feel when she dies. If it's going to bother you terribly that you haven't at least spoken to her, then you should. However, if you simply just want her out of your life for good -then keep things the way they are. Personally as a mother, I would just want to see my kids and grandkids and if there had been a year's estrangement, I wouldn't throw in the caveat that my child had to apologize to me! I would do pretty much anything to try and make things right. If your own mother isn't willing to do that -then it sounds like you're doing the right thing.

If you TRULY felt at peace without contact with your mother, there is no need to set yourself up for more disappointment. You need to do what is best for your kids, and that means keeping their mother healthy and confident. If your mother interferes with this, then you need to make the decision that is best for you, not for her. I suggest that you see a counselor or talk to your spiritual leader about the guilt that you are feeling, and to help you cope with your decision. Good luck.

It's not wrong of you at all. You extended invitations for her to take part in things pertaining to your kids, and she opted not to respond or accept. If you are in a better place mentally and emotionally without having any contact with her, then you should not be made to feel guilty about that. She needs to understand that no matter what has happened between the two of you in the past, you are a grown woman, and you have your own family and life to focus on. Without trying to disrespect your mom, she should never have distanced herself from your kids regardless of anything else, and asking you to apologize for that or make you feel guilty is wrong of her.
Don't do anything that you don't want to do or that you aren't comfortable with just to make someone else happy with the situation. At the end of the day, you need to be at peace with your choices, and it sounds like you are without having to worry yourself over problems with your mom. I wish I had a perfect answer for you, because I can't imagine that it is an easy situation by any means. I wish the best of luck for you!

It is important to forgive for our own sanity. I know I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all. However, I do realize that her mother was not loving to her and I don't know what else happened because she will not talk about it. I can not judge her because I have not walked in her shoes. I also realize that I do not need to forget and set myself up for the same things over and over again. I was very very unhappy when I lived with her and she wants to control my every move. I am in another state and this will never happen. You have to decide what makes you happy. If staying away makes you happy then do it! I know my mother was very rude to my kids last time I was with my family for Christmas. You have to remember that you are your children's advocate and if you put up with rotten things in your childhood then you might do what you think is best. I would suggest that you do some careful self examination and think what is best for you and your family. Remember it takes two to make any kind of relationship.

My husband has been in the same situation with his parents as well. I let him take the lead, but after several years and three different estrangements, he decided that this would be it. We do not have any contact with them and ignore any of their attempts to get back in our lives. It saddens both of us, but our lives are much more peaceful without them. It's okay to protect yourself and your kids from a bad relationship. Even if it is family. Good luck. :)

Hi,
This is a tough thing, and I know because I'm 47 and I too have issues with my mom. I always have, but recently I have decided to set some boundries. I think you should sit down and write her a letter, because when we write, our emotion is taken out of it. Be completely honest with her and tell her everything thats on your mind. This will help you get it off your chest and you'll be able to really let it all go. It's your choice to make no one elses.
Depending on her reaction to what you tell her, I suppose she's going to be really pissed, but that's okay. What is important... is YOU said what you needed to say. If you still don't want her in your life after the outcome of your letter and her reaction, then you need to decide if you can live with that.
For me, I am nice to my mom and I do see her, but I will never let myself be hurt by her again and learning how to be unattacted to her and her negativity was a long process, but I did it. Setting boundries is hard and takes a lot of inner work, but it's worth it. Good luck sweetie...

Depends on how she hurt you. If she was abusive, walk away and do not look back. If she just does things her own way and you do not agree with her lifestyle or choices, than you need to get over it and give it a try. I may not always agree with the things my mother does or says, but I always show her the respect she deserves as the woman who gave me life and gave of herself to raise me up right. Look into the future, you have a fight with one of your now adult children, and they decide to write you off and never again see you or allow you so see your grandchildren, how would this make you feel?

Good Morning!
I too did the same thing. Only MUCH MUCH Sooner in life. I left home at 16, struggled, moved all the way from Ca to Mich to get away from what i KNEW WAS WRONG life stlye living, but what does a Kid know right! I was RIGHT then, and Still right now!. its been 15 years of AMAZING-ness with out that DRAMMA that Still gives me occasional nightmares. so spare yourself and your kids a life time of craziness! Do it, Be strong, and Disconnect permently if that is what YOUR Heart tells you to do. Then your mom will likley say what Mine did. how nice is this "when your 16 year old runs away from you and comes looking for ME, i wil Not tell you where she is" and this is someone who was supose to love and Protect ME as HER CHILD,,, NOT!!
NOT EVERYONE WAS MENT TO BE A PARENT. Use better judgement then those BAD ONES DO!! Go with your GUT!
Godo Luck! GOD BLESS YOU!!!
andrea

I do not have any sort of relationship with my mother, at 18 years old she threw me out of the house, she was jelous that i had a fulltime job, and had my own car. so her excuse was you can live on your own. mind you i was paying half rent and utilities and food living with her at the time, so it was not like i was sponging off her. about 6 years later we starting talking again, at that time i was married and we invited her and her bf up to spend the week with us well she could not hold her tounge and got mad at me bc i stood up for myself when her abusive words started again, so they left early and when i went to give her a hug goodbye i said i love you mom and her response was I am not your mother.
anyway more time went by about 5 more years and during that time I lost my father and my husband. my family kept it from her bc she would just make a scene and it would be all about her.
so one day she had called at my uncles and i answered the phone she was all nice until she asked how my P.O.S. husband was I told her he had passed away she said good now you are single. I lost it and told her to never speak to me agian.
I am now remarried with a beautiful 10mth old DD and I don't think she knows, I have come to realize that I don't have to have my mother in my life, it says in the bible to honor your parents and I have by forgiving her from all of the words and anguish she has put me through it says nothing of having to have them in your life and continue to be hurt and abused by them.
I found talking to someone weather its from a church or therapist and having that reaffirming notion that you do what is best for you is the best way to live your life. Good Luck. been there, done it, and have burned the t-shirt. lol

I also have a very strained relationship with my mom. To fill you in on a few details of my life...My mom was diagnosed when I was pretty young with a borderline personality disorder. She and my fater divorced when I was about 6 years old and my father got custody of us because of mistakes my mom made. Because of her mental illness she has no ability to feel real compassion. She manipulates those around her to get what she wants out of them and doesn't really care if it hurts them. As a child I didn't understand this at all. It's not that she was an uncaring mother. If she didn't take care of us in the "approved" way that meant that she was a failure and she cared more about that then her childrens welfare. So she tried hard to take care of her children well, however she just doesn't know how to show emotion the correct way. As a teenager I started to understand this a little more and knew that I would never have a close relationship with my mom. It didn't stop me from trying but I think even that young I knew it was never going to be that storybook mother daughter relationship. As an adult I completely understand her and it took a few years to accept her for who she is. I will NEVER have a close relationship with her because she is unable to have close relationships. She does nothing but manipulate those around her to get everything she can out of them. She doesn't feel the slightest bit of remorse for her actions or how she can hurt people. My relationship with her today is the healthiest it's ever been because I control it now. I'm not looking for a friend or even a mother, I'm just looking for her to be including in my life as much as I want her to be. As soon as she starts to manipulate (at least when I see it coming and now that my eyes are wide open it's a lot easier) I let her know that I'm aware of what she's doing and our interaction is over. I will leave or end the conversation. She moved from MI (where I'm from) 3 years ago to Arizona and is moving back to MI this summer. My plan to handle the relationship right now is to continue to keep it all on my terms. She won't get to be alone with my son and my son's welfare is my number one priority. If I see or get the sense at all that she's trying to manipulate things or him to get anything out of him again the interaction is over. She'll have to go home, I'll go home, or leave. I don't plan to explain this to my son until he can understand that she doesn't mean any of it to hurt that she just doens't have the ability to understand what other people are feeling and how it can hurt them. I hope to never have to explain that to my children but I want to make sure they don't go through some of the pain I did as a child, teenager, and adult.

My advice to you is to make an attempt to patch up the relationship but don't try to be best friends or even close mother/daughter. Keep things on your terms and before you contact her I would figure out what kind of relationship you want and don't get your hopes up that it will get better from there. Instead of dealing with her in letter form pick up the phone or meet her in a neutral place (lunch out somewhere) to discuss the issues. I don't think you'll really be able to express yourself in a letter. Somethings need to be delt with on a more interactive level.

As far as your kids go, get the relationship with her ok between you two before you bring the kids in. Establish some boundries with her, make sure they work between you, and then bring the kids back into the relationship. Help her understand that you're an adult now and you don't need her in the same way as you did when you were growing up. Define your new relationship together but at the same time make sure it still fits into those terms and goals that you set for yourself.

As far as apologizing...I'm sure it would help patch up the relationship if you did but make sure she understands she has some apologizing to do too. If she's not willing to apologize for her bad behavior she's really not ready to work things out with you and needs more time to work on her.

If you decide that you don't want a relationship with your mom...thats ok too. You don't have to have one. You can contact her explain how you feel and tell her that right now you're not ready for a relationship. That you feel better not having her in your life and that maybe in the future you'll be able to work it out but now what you need is space. I wouldn't cut it off for forever but you shouldn't feel that you have to patch things up if you really don't want to.

I REALLY hope this helps and that you're able to maintain the peace you've found in your life. Good Luck!!

A.

I have a friend that has had problems with her mother also. A few years ago she had enough and cut off all communication with her. Snice then she has been so much happier not having to deal with that stress. Her family is also less stressed and confused. You have to do what is best for you and your family. Sounds like to me that not talking to her and having that negativeness in your life is what's best but if the relationship with her is important to you and you would want to do something about it then address it carefully and with boudaries. For example, respond that you feel that you don't owe her anything but you willing to discuss it. Then offer her a counseling option without involving your family to repair and work on your relationship with her. If that works out after 6 months that you would consider more communication outside a couselor's office and/or starting to involve your family. Sounds like baby steps but if she isn't willing then it's not worth it anyway. It's also a happy medium to exposing the children to anymore pain if it doesn't work out. If you decide to officially respond that your not interested in a relationship then you need to be sure in your heart, no wishy washy stuff, no mixed messages, no regrets. It is better for all parties that way espesically for the kids.

It sounds like you're happier with her out of your life, and that isn't something to be ashamed about. Yes its sad that she's unable to be a supportive mother and grandmother, but until she's able to do that, she can't be allowed to ruin your life.

However, should she seek to restore the relationship on a normal and healthy basis, it would be good for you to be willing to work on it too. I would definitely set boundaries about how that would transpire IF she agreed. Probably it would be good to meet her only in the presence of a therapist, where you could work on real issues and resolve stuff and move forward. Otherwise she probably won't make progress and will start causing issues in your life again.

I would write her back and let her know you are not comfortable apologizing since you are not responsible for ALL the issues. Tell her you need some time apart to heal and wrap your mind around the issues that are causing contention, and also what you need out of the relationship. Then tell her that you'd agree to meeting with her and a therapist to discuss stuff, and of course she'd be allowed to discuss her issues too (in all fairness). And then see where that goes. Whatever you do, make sure you're in control of the situation. Don't let her bully you, or push you into anything that causes stress and anxiety again. And don't rush to do this, wait until you're ready. It might be good to see a counselor yourself, just to validate where you're coming from and what you need from your mom.

Best wishes, I know this is tough, but its in the best interest of your family to keep your sanity and not allow your kids to be exposed to your mom until she's able to treat people in a loving caring way.

OMG I am sooo sorry for you, I couldn't phathom not having my mother in my life and when she passed it was the worst day of my life. I do have one question you didn't state what the problems were but what if one of children felt the way you do and didn't want anything to do with you? I do understand that there were issues but bottom line she is your MOM. Maybe you could start out slow and just answer the letter and put everything and I mean everything into it. Then the ball will be in her court. Even though you feel this way now, you will miss her dearly when she is gone.

God bless and I wish you the best.

Do to your mother what you would want your children to do to you later in years. I have had many situations where my M. rubbed me the wrong way and I have chosen not to speak to her, but you know what, you have to do the right thing. Your M. is obviously hurt as well from whatever happened. You're a woman with feelings, she's a woman with feelings too..she just happen to be mother and we think they should get over it. I know it's painful to do, but forgive her, apologize to her and let it go. You do NOT have to be buddies with your M., but you don't have to be enemies either. You only have ONE mother. Don't let that bitter situation keep you apart. Simply say "M. I am sorry if I hurt you, please forgive me" and leave it at that. You would be surprised how much that changes things. You don't have to accept fault or blame for the problem, just tell her you are sorry for hurting her - because she does feel that way. Whether she returns the apology or not (moms can be stubborn), just the fact that she wrote you, means she misses you. She wants your relationship. I hope you can patch things up.

You were able to tell us on Mamapedia. Hurt goes deep. It ISN'T all your fault tho. It takes 2.
Depending on your convictions and beliefs, as in Biblical, the idea would be to be bigger than this and humble yourself. Like, "Mom, I don't know what I've done to cause such turmoil and animosity. But please forgive me for anything I've said or done". It could have an effect on her. If all she does is browbeat you, then until she understands that she's not innocent in all this either, it won't heal. Let her know you want to heal. Explain that you realize things haven't been good and it's caused too much stress, but it can't continue. The solution would be either to keep the mouths shut, or continue to avoid each other. And there will be lost opportunities during that absence that both might regret later.
I wouldn't hold it in, tho. Explain to hubby or auntie.