I May Be Weird but Am I the Only One Who Thinks SAHM Is a Luxury??

HI,
I'm a SAHM... and I initially was going to go back to work, but then once we have our 1st child, and could not find a suitable baby-sitter and did not want to leave our child with another "stranger" we decided that I would stay home. I have been a SAHM for 6 years. We are happy with our decision. It was a choice which we discussed and decided on consciously.

I am not "traditional" and I am used to working and being in the work force too. BUT, being a SAHM is not a "luxury"... it is hard work, 24/7, no paid vacations or holidays, and we are often 'stigmatized' too. No, I do not live off the 'system.' My Hubby works hard, he is proud that I care for our children as I do, and our children are happy. My Mom also was a SAHM, until we grew up.

Being a SAHM is a hardship, financially, we don't get 'paid' and we have to watch everything we spend. I am not a SAHM because we are rich... and in my State, the cost of living is very high. But, we make due somehow. And we make sacrifices too... and we don't have the luxuries that other 'working' Parents do. But it's okay. We are accountable for our choices and we choose, and we are responsible about it.
My daughter often tells me how she's 'glad' I'm a SAHM... because I can see her everyday, I volunteer in her class, I am there for anything a child needs. But, it is not 'fun' and eating bon-bons everyday. It is VERY tiring, stressful, hard work, and time consuming, and VERY busy. BUT, I am happy. I also am a WAHM... working at home for an online boutique I have. Thus, I 'work' although it is not a 'rich' income stream. But it is extra pocket money. So you see... SAHM's have to be resourceful, and contribute somehow, to the family too, in MANY ways. We are not just a Mom staying home and living it up. It is 'work.'

Oh, but here I am online! HOW do you ask? Well, my son is napping now. This is my 'me' time. I also am now powering through ALL the household duties, and working on my online store, and cleaning the house, and making appointments, and EVERYTHING at the same time. Things that Moms do, whether or not they work or are 'just' a SAHM. The thing is... we don't get to go somewhere without the kids, to an 'office' and just have regular 'adult' socialization and what not. So, we do what we can. Meanwhile, my Hubby is out grocery shopping with my daughter... how great is that! Thus, this is my 'break' from being a SAHM. My 1 hour of respite, and doing everything in the house at the same time.

I believe, that each Mom and woman is different. It does not matter if we work, or not, while having children. You do what you can, you do what you must, you do what is necessary, you do what is mandatory, you do what is optional, you do what is a feasible, you do no matter what your 'work ethic' is. It does not make one Mom 'worse' than the other. It does not mean that employed Moms are better or SAHM's are 'lazier.' No. We ALL 'work' for our household and children. A SAHM... at least for me... is not living off the system. We are self motivated. It takes work. It takes flexibility. It takes being a 'team' between husband and wife. My Hubby does not feel I am 'less' of a contributor to the house just because i am not 'employed' or bring home a pay-check. He sees how I toil EVERYDAY, no matter what. Getting up all hours for my children and him, when they are sick or for anything. We take care of our kids... and they have what they need... sometimes it is NOT enough money... so we have to adjust. Like any Parent, working or not.
It's not just a peachy life... it takes work like any family. And anyone, SAHM or not, has struggles.

Yes, I could find a job. But this is not our plan, right now. It's fine. It does not mean I am 'lazy.' I am a SAHM.. .and I take pride in my role.

I am not offended by your question... it is something lots of working Moms think of. I get looked down upon too sometimes (and once actually insulted)... for being a SAHM. They think I'm just 'uneducated' or lazy or a slacker and not part of the "thinking" crowd. And I get this from men AND women. So what. I went to college, I have 2 degrees, and I worked and I am still doing my time and paying my dues... just in a different way. I am a Mom. And I stay home. And I am proud. I don't discriminate. Every Mom tries their best with what they have.

All the best,
Susan

I agree with S.H and some of the other moms who posted here. Being a SAHM isn't necessarily a "luxury".
Cost of living here (in Hawaii) is quite expensive - and that includes childcare. In our case, it was BETTER for us to have me stay at home, because if I DID have a job, my whole income would be going to childcare AND we would have strangers raising our daughter. Not cool. Seems like a lose-lose situation! If I'm not gonna be making any "profit" anyways, I might as well stay home and raise her MYSELF where she gets ONE on ONE time with me.
And NO, not all stay at home moms "live off the system". My husband works very hard (TWO jobs, and we STILL barely get by) and he is HAPPY and PROUD to do so. He loves that our daughter gets to have the best possible childcare and education, for FREE from ME! He is thrilled that I love doing this too, because HE understands that being a stay home parent is quite difficult for a number of reasons. He gives me credit every day for all my HARD WORK. It's not for everyone, sure. Some mothers would go stir-crazy. That's fine. But those people should not discriminate against us SAHM, as we do not discriminate and or say things like "being able to work is a luxury". It's a personal choice, and each mother chooses what is right for her and her family.

L.,

Not everyone who stays home is dumb, fat and lazy just like not everyone out in the workforce earns their pay.

A luxury is something that is hard to obtain. I guess in some respects this was hard to obtain. My husband and I worked very hard for the 7 years before getting pregnant with our first child. We tucked money away for a rainy day. We didn't live beyond our means. Dare I say - we planned all this. We weren't going to have kids if we couldn't afford them. My cousin laughed at me the first time she heard me say that, (she said, you can never afford them) but we have everything we need, plus a very comfortable savings/checking to fall down on if something were to happen to my husbands job. Are we rich? Probably not by American standards but I don't have to worry. We don't get help from ANYONE nor have we EVER! We give to charities, we adopt a family at Christmas every year and we help our own families out when needed. L., the people you are hanging out with that are complaining, well, that is just a small percentage of women out there, it's all relative anyway.

You said you don't believe in staying home if you can find a job and take some of the pressure off of your spouse. Do you have any idea how stressful that would be to most people? I could go out and get a very well paying job right now if I wanted to, but why? Why, when we decided to have kids and raise them ourselves? It would cause us more stress to leave them everyday with someone else. Staying home to raise my kids also means, taking care of OUR home so we can have quailty family time, taking care of our nutritional needs so we can all be healthy. Taking care of myself so I can be a happy Mom to my kids and a loving wife to my husband. I'm not perfect - just ask him, LOL! Marriage is work, parenting is work, taking care of a home is work, taking care of yourself is work. This stuff we do everyday, we do it to make our lives better.

I for one have nothing to complain about(-:

M.

** By the way, I have Mom friends that work, I've never said one hurtful thing to them, nor would I. It's not our place to judge why a person stays home or works. My Mom friends who work, choose to or were forced due to circumstances, it doesn't mean they love their kids any less. I would advise you not to judge other Mom's, we are all harsh enough on ourselves, don't ya think? Rather than be annoyed by a SAHM, why not say hello, how are you doing? She might be watching your child for you when you need it, she might be the one keeping an eye on your home when you are out of town, she might be the one brining you dinner when you are all home sick. Supporting one another is much more effective.

Hi L.:
First let me say,I thouroughly enjoyed the response from SH.She was direct,honest,and I appreciate,that she spoke from the heart.I can understand your envy L.,but your under the assumption,that all SAHM are living off the state.The fact is,Many mothers would be paying out more for childcare,than they would gross on their paycheck.Even though society,and the cost of living has forced many couples to work hand and hand to make ends meet,you've got men,who were on top of things,went for their degrees,and take pride in being the bread winner for the family.I've lived to experience being a SAHM and working outside the home.My husband didn't want someone else raising our children for us.I didn't want to miss out on important (FIRSTS)How sad,it would have been,to return from an eight hour work day,to have a nanny report my son had taken his first steps,or spoke his first words.In my eyes,my man was a saint,for allowing me to be there to provide love and nurture my sons during their first years.I will be forever grateful for that time.I would be a liar, if I said I always felt that way.When I was home caring for them,those first five years,there were plenty of times I wish I could have run out the door and escaped all the responsibilities,noise,and feelings of being alienated from the rest of the world.I use to panic when we'd get an invite to a get together with other adults,as I felt I was out of sinc with the rest of the adult world. Surprised the group didn't find me sitting off to the side with a clump of play-dough entertaining myself lol. When my youngest son reached kindergarden,I then had free time to myself, and took a part time job. I loved being out in the real world again,and it did help with our monthly income.When both sons were in school full time, I was able to take a full time position. It was great.I felt productive, I knew I was helping contribute, and I was home in time to be with my MEN. : ) I recently retired from that position.It feels wonderful.However......I am again.....A SAHM. I'm not living off the state, but have a great pension,and I now have my Grandchildren whom I care for the majority of the time.I have to tell you....I wouldn't trade this time for anything either.

L.,

Are you offended when someone writes whether they are married or a single parent; when they note that they have one child or five? SAHM is a description of an individual's circumstance. It's not a bragging point. Most of us who stay at home have done so after careful consideration of the consequences of our choice for our families and ourselves. It's a very personal decision, and every family must choose what is best for their particular situation. There is no right or wrong here, and we all give some things up whether we stay at home (which is work!) or work additionally outside the home.

What I would ask, L., is that you ask yourself why you are equating SAHMs with people who are "living off the system." I'm sure you do not mean this to be offensive, but it is dangerous to generalize to an entire group of people based on limited observations. It may help you feel better about this whole issue and "bug" you less when you see "SAHM" if you are open to exploring your beliefs and hearing from some of us who stay at home. And, because you put it out there in your post, I'm guessing you are open to this!

So, as part of this, I'll tell you that before I became "Mom," I was a professional person, with advanced degrees, a fantastic career, and two decades in my field. I have made many sacrifices to be at home, but I am happy with my choice and do not regret it! I love being home with my son. I waited a long time for him (had him at 42) and wouldn't want to miss any of these days for anything! I'll re-enter the workforce when he is in school full-time, although I know I will be penalized for the gap in my "work" history, but I'll deal with that. I just add all of this to give you another side of whatever picture you're seeing, and I hope you will take it in that spirit.

I know this is often a hot-button topic but hope that we won't start the "mommy wars", the "us" vs. "them." We moms, regardless of our employment status, make sacrifices for our children and families every day, and we do it proudly and lovingly. We should respect each other and each woman's right to do whatever she believes is right for her family. Sharing our experiences is one of the best ways that we can overcome stereotypes and build stronger relationships with other women.

Best wishes,

J.

I am not sure that your post has a real question in it. It sounds more like an attack. There is NO luxury in being a SAHM. I am baffled by the stero-type that we live off the system. I get no assistance from any program, nor do any of the moms I know. My husband doesn't view it as "pressure" to take care of us, in fact he can't understnad how I do what I do everyday...he appreciates me more now than ever. It's hard work. We make MANY sacrifices to have me raise my children. We don't have the big house, the fancy cars or the "toys". It is FAR from a luxury. It is tedious and most often an unthanked job...but they are my kids and being there to see ALL their firsts is enough for me. If that is the luxury you mean, then yes...it is, but if lounging around on the couch all day and watching countless soap operas is what you have in mind...you are dead wrong! Everyone has the right to make their own decisions without the need to justify to you or anyone else. I wouldn't dare attack you for your choice to work, why do you find it neccesary to attack my choice?

Hi L.,

Another Perspective:

I'm a working mom, I actually put in 56 hours a week normally between both jobs sometimes a few more and I have a beautiful 8 month old little boy who is lucky enough to get to stay home and be raised by his father durring the day. So I guess you could say we have a SAHD, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I wish I could be home with him but thats just not the way it is. I don't worry about "SAHM title" these women are here to help me and you.

Don't be irritated :)
K.

PS: we have not recieved any federal or state aid and even if we NEEDED it wouldn't qualify because of what we have made income wise in the past, now isn't that silly.

As a SAHM, I'm not one bit jealous of those who have to go out into the "traditional workplace" and leave their children with daycares/sitters/grandparents. I love being the one to raise my children, see their first steps, hear their first words, and know that they are 100% secure and happy. However, I don't think that being a stay-at-home mom is a luxury. It's hard work to live off of 1-1/2 paychecks (yes, I work from home to make up the difference in income that we need to squeak by), but we do it because it's important to us that I'm home with the kids. BTW, my working wouldn't take much pressure off my husband - childcare costs are outlandish and a good facility/person would take up most of my paycheck.

I, like many other SAHM's, have a Bachelor's degree and had a high paying job (higher than my husband's, actually) before we decided to have children. Then my priorities changed. We made sacrifices to ensure that I would be home to raise our children - to us, that is a million times more important than an extra paycheck. It appalls me that some people "live off the system" rather than working, because we work hard for what we have and, quite frankly, don't want to pay taxes to help those people "live off the system." (Note: We have no problem when those taxes help people who really need it!) By the way, assuming that a SAHM is someone who wont' get a job but keeps having kids and is "living off the system" is unfair.

Although I obviously (like you) have an opinion about it, I try very hard not to judge other (individual) mothers about the decisions they make as far as working or staying at home, since I don't know their circumstances. Please take this in the nicest tone possible: I would suggest you do the same. It's a sensitive subject and there are strong feelings attached - it's probably not the best subject on a discussion board unless you're asking a question about it :o)

I believe, to each their own. I do not have the luxury of being a SAHM and don't think that I would want to be. i adore my son more than life itself however I need "grown up time" even if it is at work. I am a single mom that gets no help from my sons father and I make it work with a strict budget. I applaud the moms that stay at home and raise their children. I have a wonderful small daycare where my son spends his days. i spend every day after work there for at least an hour playing with my son and the other kids and talking to my daycare provider. I love my arrangement! Like I said, to each their own. Don't begrudge anyone what they love. If a woman was staying at home and she needed to be working, I say she needs to find herself a job even if that means working different hours as her spouse to make their household function well.

I am a SAHM and by no means is it a luxury. And by no means do we have alot of money-it is something we both decided since we did not want to do daycare. I sacrafice alot of things, but would have it no other way.
I love SH response and right on Bergen.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. L.

I don't think being a sahm mom is a luxury my husband and I have 2 boys and are due with another in 5 weeks. I think it is important for me to raise my children and not let others influence them with their beliefs and opinions. I would like to have a part time job but my husband is gone from 6:30 am to 7:30 pm so there is no time for me to go to work. It would cost me more to put my children in childcare than it does to stay home. So for some of us who stay home working would be the luxury. We don't live off the system as you say we just live with in our means. I do agree with what you said about people who complain about not having enough money to take care of their kids they should not be having any more but that is their choice and thinking about it is not worth wasting any time on.

L.

That was a brave post and since this is a controversial topic, it seems some have been offended even though you prefaced your comments with a disclaimer. Before having our son, I was the primary breadwinner - making 2x my husband's income. I remember a woman at work telling me when I was pregnant that when she had her first child she couldn't wait to get back to work. Some women are wired for that and go back to work no problem. Others wish they could be home but maybe have large house payments or financial reasons they HAVE to work. At the prospect of going back to work and missing all the 'firsts', it just broke my heart and my husband and I agreed that we would find a way to make it work. We were renting at the time and without my income, we'd be really hurting, so we packed up and moved in with my mom so we could pay off debts and save up for our own house. In the meantime, I finished up my MA degree during my son's first year of life. Naptimes were writing times. Now, I'm looking for a part time teaching position in the evenings to help speed along the process. My husband's income has increased and he will be graduating next summer.

I do think in some ways being a SAHM can be a luxury in that it is a privilege that not all women can afford. I am forever grateful for each day I get to spend with my son even though like other moms have mentioned - it can be exhausting, thankless, and is certainly unpaid. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I admit I'm looking forward to when he's in school and I can work more. I miss being able to buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. The way I see it, right now is just a season. I'm soaking up my time as a SAHM because I know that it will not last forever.

Maybe you could try working part time? It sounds as though you would really love to stay at home and maybe you and your husband could do some brainstorming to find a way to make it work. If not, try to enjoy this season even so and try not to let other moms get to you. There are moms on both sides working or not that look down on the other and each woman is unique just as her situation and we should not be judging each other, but instead supporting and recognizing the value in what we do. We are all moms.

L.,

Okay, I understand you're resentment and frustrations...there are people who live off the system and have kids that they can't afford, but your anger seems a smidge misplaced.

My Mom was a SAHM and worked REALLY hard to budget our money and teach my sister and I how to value life and family. In my mind, she sacrificed her life/career as a Senior Executive, to give me the best life possible. Funny thing was that at the time my parents married, my Mom made more than my Dad...but, he wanted his kids to be taken care of by their Mommy and not strangers. So, she stayed at home until my sister was school age...

Today, I'm a single Mama, who has no choice whether to work or stay at home. I have to pay my bills, and provide my son with the things he needs to live a happy and healthy life. But, I don't begrudge my friends who are SAHM's. In fact, I support them and love their life choice. I made a choice to leave the relationship with my son's father, and so like my Mom did when I was little I make sacrifices to make sure my son is well taken care of by family.

I think it's tough when you see people abusing the system...I was on MediCal and Cash Aid when my son and I were first getting back on our feet...but, there are people who overuse it and create the issues.

I think it's important to embrace people's life choices and appreciate the hardwork that they choose to put into raising their families in their way. If you are living your life for you and your family, then I say 'good for you'...if you choose to work and support your hubby than that is awesome. Just try not to judge others for their life choices.

Be well, and I wish you happiness.

D..

Well, certainly I feel staying at home with your children is a luxury, as not everyone can do so. What ever the reason is that people make their choice I am sure it was well thought out and felt necessary. I work a lot of hours between my regular job and my photography. I just find balance and I am happy with that. I am not one to stay home, as I would probably gain about 40 pounds and stay in my pajamas all day. I do a lot of my work while my daughter is asleep, during nap or bedtime. While I am at work, I am very happy and satisfied with her preschool, so I am comfortable during my work day. I feel you learn best from others around you, but other moms are very good about doing projects with their children and keeping them occupied.

As far as envious, I am at time envious on those days I don't want to get out of bed and go to work and want to cuddle my little baby girl. It is a very personal opinion.

Well, you might be a little envious. For some people it is a luxery. For us, we can't afford for me to work. We learned that right after she was born. I tried to go back to work, but it did not work out... We are not on any social services though. We do have to ask my parents for some things though. We don't have money for any extras, we don't go anywhere, we don't buy much. But she is fine. She doesn't actually need much right now, and she won't be little for much longer. On the other hand, we don't have a $2500 house payment either, so that helps...
Feel better
R.

it is a luxury. however it is hard work to never get a break from your child (and believe me when your home all day with them you want a break). its very draining and i would honestly rather deal with grumpy customers all day then a cranky child. with that being said i feel very fortunate to be able to take my daughter to work with me (i do child care for a family with a 15 month old little boy). if my husband and i were better off i wouldnt have to work at all. though i choose to because i can take her with me. i also get mad over seeing people able of working that complain about not having money yet they make no effort to work and keep having kids. i dont make much money at my job but it helps cover for the small things like groceries when we run out before we shop again (my hubby gets paid every 2 weeks). we do not particapate in gov. programs such as cash aide wic or food stamps. we have to penny pinch everything. i cant spend more them 150 dollars every two weeks for our major grocery shopping. we dont go out to eat (its a rariety) my husband and daughter are the only ones that ever get new clothes. my daughter also doesnt go without things either. we buy her new toys time to time and then we sacrifice so she can have nice things. but like other moms out there i will not put my child in daycare thats not someone i know personally. my reasons are simple i have family that i dont trust with my child so how could i trust a stranger. also my child has asthma and allergies so that in itself adds to the daycare bill becasue they have to be certified to give medicine. you may be a bit jealous over it but think about it this way you and your husband are providing the best life for your daughter so she can grow up happy and well and never worry about if she will have food to eat or a house to live in. i had a full time job and i left it when my daughter was 5 months old i stayed at home for about 8 months and then got a part time job in child care. dont ever feel bad about working as long as your baby is taken care of properly and is clean and happy thats all that matters. i dont down your opinion but you chose to work to give a better life for your child so why complain about it.

Hi L., There is nothing wrong with you working to help your husband support your family, staying home and raising your family to many women is a luxuary, I am one of them, I was blessed to be able to raise my children, and they had everything they needed, and extras as well, when it came down do me needing to help my husband after he retired from the Navy, I opened up a Home daycare, I chosed this becasue I wanted to help my husband, at the same time be there for my own kids. The ones who live off the systym are the ones who didn't use family planning, I had 3 kids al planned, nver onthe systym, it was my husbands idea when we decided to start of family, and I aske him right then and there can we afford to have a baby with me not working becasue i won't have babysitters and daycares raising our baby, and he agreed, we stayed within the bread winners means, we have everything we needed, we didn't have everything we wanted, but we did have extras. As a dayacre provider I see and witness all the the things that moms miss while their kids are in daycare, I also see have inportant it is for toddles to have playmates and learn how to make friends and share and work with each other before they enter kindergarden, so there are plusses and minusses on both sides of the coin. I am a very traditinal house wife amd mother, I cook and bake by scratch, I still use a clothes line, don't use mocrowaves to cook, and I love it, but that soes not mean there is anything wrong with a mom that works, if there wasn't working mom's i would not have a job. Maybe a part of you is jealous, but I am sure there are some SAHM who wish they had a job other than their family, it's just different for different people, so don't get upset when you see SAHM, I'm really surprised on how much i do see that, I didn't think that, that many mom's SAH anymore, I'm school, my youngest is 19, and I'm still a SAHM but running my own business from my home, so I have the best of both sides. By the way you are not weird. J. L.

Had to chime in on this one, being a SAHM is not a luxery it is a choice.... just 35-40 yrs ago it was a way of life for most women and as our lifestyles changed in the last 2-3 decades so has the way of life in America, now its about fancy cars, bigger houses... giving kids everything they want and then some.... As the mother of a full time college student I have gone back to work outside the home when my son was in elementry school and worked for a major hotel chain as a director of sales, then when he started high school my husband and i made a choice that with peer presures it might be wise for me to be at home and volunteer...YES it was a huge sacrafice to our income and our entertainment etc..... but now 10 yrs later my son is about to graduate college with his bachelors degree. To get adult interaction, I volunteered in his sports, I started a book club with my girlfriends and other moms who chose to be at home with their kids rather than put them into daycare... I started a home based business to make the extra money I WANTED to go for a mani/pedi or to go to lunch with my gf's or save and buy something I know was not a necessity within our budget...... moms, its about personal choices that are best for you and what is good for me might not be good for anyone else in this group ... likewise what is good for a few of you might not be good for me..

so whether you choose to work because you have to, justto pay the bills and provide for you child(ren) and help your significant other or you chose to stay home and live within a budget and sacrafice a Wii or Xbox or that new car for a few years, its personal based on your lifestyle your values and beliefs....

being at home as a SAHM is not a luxery its a job, a full time job the only difference is extra cash! JMO

I didnt take any resentment in your question.... maybe alittle justification for a choice you are making and a little guilt because you might feel society or your friends might not agree with what might be working best for YOU... and dont get me started on women who have kids collect welfare and keep spitting out kids ... that taxpayers pay for!!!

Good luck to you and everyone mom on here facing choices that are difficult on what to do in todays world raising small children... I comment each of you

Bonni