Hi Friends, 34 y/o, mom of 4 girls, been divorced for almost 4 years and got caught up in two very toxic relationships during those 4 years plus a lot of dead end dating. For the last 2 months I have been in a beautiful relationship with THE most amazing man ever, he's literally everything I have been looking for in the last 4 years. We have a deep emotional intimate connection and wild chemistry, we have a beautiful and fun friendship, he's just simply amazing and seems to think the same about me. Problem is........ I feel like I suffer from relationship anxiety due to my past abusive relationships. I'm constantly worried that I'm gonna mess this up, that he's not gonna like me a few months from now, that he will find someone better, that I'm not worthy, if he takes too long to text back I worry he's loosing interest or bored with me, I'm just an emotional hot mess
, he just doesn't know it :( What's weird is that all these feeling disappear when he's physically with me, maybe it's the love in his eyes, or the way he giggles at every dumb thing I say, I don't know.... I'm just at peace when he's with me and I have an amazing time with him. I'm just really really worried that I'm gonna ruin this. He tells me I'm the best thing hat has ever happened to him, that I treat him like a freaking king, when we facetime he shows me off to all his friends, he's introduced me to every single important person in his life, he comes over often and makes a crazy effort to squeeze me into his busy schedule, he has literally done every single thing right. Although I work 2 jobs I don't have health insurance to see a therapist and I don"t have many friends to talk to either so I'm feeling kind of hopeless. Yesterday I was looking through Instagram and saw that he liked a bunch of pics of skinny sexy girls with tattoos and it just ruined my whole day, I am neither skinny nor do I have tattoos so It made me feel like well if that's what he likes then maybe he just settled for me?? I usually feel crazy sexy in my curvy little body and he tells me I'm sooooooooo gosh darn sexy, he goes crazy over my body, but now that I saw him liking all those pics I'm feeling soooo insecure :( Is this something I should kindly talk to him about and let him know that it makes me feel uncomfortable when he likes all these pics of half naked girls?? I just don't want to sound crazy and push him away. someone please help me....and please don't be too harsh, I'm already broken enough as it is.
Natalie K....THANK YOU!! You've pretty much dissected and understood everything I put out there without digging into other stuff that is irrelevant to my post, like most others have. And yes you're correct, they're all amazing at first and I think this is where some of my anxiety and fears stem from..... One of these "toxic" relationships started just like this, he was amazing, did everything right, I fell hard and he ended up being the biggest heartbreak and disappointment of my life..... so I fear repetition but then again I tell myself that if I don't give him a chance I will never know or grow. A downfall of mine is that I don't know how to wet my toes before jumping in, I don't know how to take things slow, I feel like I can't be myself if I'm always pulling on the reins to slow down, I kind of just love and hope for the best, maybe not the wisest way to get to know someone, but I don't know otherwise, again...a downfall of mine.
I feel like I need to say this before I write any further, he has NO idea about my insecurities or concerns, I've never voiced any of these irrational fears or feelings to him, these are all just thoughts that I struggle with.....as far as he knows I'm content, secure, trusting and everything is great.....This is the first time I reach out to anyone about my thoughts, and I thank you so much for taking the time to dissect this with me.
As far as the IG photos goes, I decided to erase the app off my phone for now to kill the urge to snoop around..... I think in time I will probably bring it up. I'm a big communicator and feel that if something is making either one of us uncomfortable in any way it should be addressed. I just don't see how it would be healthy to keep it in? I see myself becoming increasingly jealous and resentful if the behavior continues because I said nothing, he's a pretty rational guy an I think it's a bigger deal to me than it will be to him. All I can do is voice to him how him liking half naked girl's pics makes me feel and leave it to his discretion to stop or continue, whatever he choses to do will tell me a lot about his commitment to making this relationship work.
I've never once questioned him on why he took longer to reply, or thrown a fuss cause he's busy, again these are all thoughts of mine, he has no idea that I worry when he takes longer than usual....probably because when he does get back to me he finds that I've found a million and one things to keep myself busy. In fact I totally just pushed him to go on an all guys weekend trip to the desert last weekend and I let him do him, without bothering him once, he facetimed me and called when he could and just yesterday thanked me for pushing him to go(he really needed it)and he told me that this has been the easiest relationship he has ever been in and that he feels like I'm so low maintenance and easy to get along with. I like that he feels that way about me, but I worry that I'm portraying one thing while feeling another, and this is why I'm reaching out, I don't want to deceive him ....I WANT to be the chill girlfriend who encourages him to go on trips and hang out with the guys, without sitting at home biting my nails and finding ways to stay busy.
To those of you so concerned about my children, don't be. Although I work two jobs I manage my time with them very wisely and anyone can tell you that I have some of the sweetest, most loving, healthy and nurturing daughters. I run a very tight ship at home. My girls receive equal amounts of love, nurture, quality time, discipline and praise. All 4 are honor roll students with bright futures. My girls are 17-11-8-7 I don't know where one of you got that I had a kid after my divorce?? I've been separated/divorced for almost 4 years. I don't bring home just "any man" that I sleep with. One I dated for a year before introducing him and the other for a year and a half before he came around, and they are he only two guys my daughters have known about since my divorce so save yourselves the luxury of bashing me and accusing me of not taking care of my children cause you couldn't be more wrong. And to the mom who wonders why I didn't mention my kids at all in my post, why should I? They are not part of the issues I'm having at all.
Stay off his social media. You sound a little stalker ish. No offense but you do. You are not ready for a serious relationship. Three men in 4 years is too much for your children. You have 4 young children that need your attention. I hope you haven't introduced this man to your children after only a few months of dating. I think you need to back off men and focus on healing yourself and raising healthy well-adjusted children.
Where do your girls fit into all this? I read the whole thing and am sad you made no mention of them other than you have them. Your entire life seemed consumed by this man (thinking about him, checking him on social media, being with him), and two jobs. There can't be much of your resources going to your girls. It's been 4 year since your divorce and you have been through two bad relationships. Have your girls been dragged through all of that too? I hope you can see why we are saying you sound immature (and insecure). We are worried about you making more mistakes when you have 4 babies to raise! Love yourself and your girls and back off men for a while. You are not in the right frame to handle a relationship right now. Spend your energy on your girls and making yourself stronger and more secure.Good love will find you when you are healthy and well.
Everything JB said.
I will add that I would not mention the Instagram because if you do, he will know that you are creeping on his social media. If I found out someone was creeping on me, they'd be long gone.
You need to stay away from men. Place your priorities where they should be... YOUR GIRLS and make a stable home for them. Once you get some stability without a man involved in any way, you are more capable of fixing yourself. Your focus should ONLY be on your girls and you. They don't need a string of random men brought into their lives. Not only is it dangerous for you all but the behavior you are modeling is not healthy for the them.
JB wrote beautifully. Read that about 5 more times.
You seem to be in love with relationships. You had 3 girls in 2013, so you had a 4th at some point, either with your husband right around the time of the divorce (which you said was 4 years ago so that would be 2013), or with someone else - perhaps one of the toxic relationships? You didn't mention them in your post and you haven't said anything about what all these men coming in and out of your house are doing to them. You seem to have very intense relationships but you don't trust yourself. That has to change. You are otherwise going to raise 4 kids who think this is what relationships are like, and they will repeat this - throwing everything to the winds in order to be with someone. You mention nothing about this man's impact on your children.
You do sound giddy and more like a teenager when you talk about deep intimacy with someone you've been dating for 2 months. That's not a sustainable feeling in a long term relationship. When the kids get the stomach flu and the oil burner breaks and the taxes have to be done - that's when you know your partner's character. It's not when he Facetimes you and turns the screen toward his friends.
Call your local pastoral counseling center to find some low cost counseling. You need to work on YOU and not with a man.
You don't need health insurance to see a therapist.
Call your county/city Family Services and ask for a referral to an agency that has sliding scale fee. This means that they will offer a discount . Most therapists will also offer a discount if you can pay cash.
You are not ready for a relationship. Please call your local township, police station, hospital, or women's shelter and ask for a referral.
He sounds like a nice guy. You deserve that!! What jumps out to me from your post is 1. You need to hold yourself in higher esteem! He is lucky to get YOU. You sound like you have really low esteem. 2. You are in the honeymoon phase. Enjoy it but realize that things change the longer you are together and relationships take a lot of work and patience. 3. You are putting him up on a pedestal. Don't do that! You are equals. If this works out for the long term you have to think like equals and think of yourselves as a team. 4. You have to somehow figure out how you can do therapy. You really need to work on feeling more secure in yourself and in life. Start getting therapy books from the library or look up online therapists to see if they are cheaper. Good luck. PS - don't look at his instagram or whatever. That is something really insecure people do.
When I read this, and I hope I'm not too harsh - but honestly, you remind me of what I was like at 20. This is how I was with my friends talking about the guys in our lives. I was actually really messed up and had no self esteem at the time.
You sound a bit needy (no offense) but if you're only confident when he's with you, showing you attention, that's a red flag.
It takes two to make a toxic relationship. You say you've had a few - then realize unless you've changed - you're approaching it with the same issues you had in those.
Have you ever just been on your own? Best thing I ever did. When I realized I could not only be happy on my own, I attracted the right kind of guy.
Be good to yourself. When you do that you attract the right people (men, friends, etc.) into your life. None of this anxiety and worry. Best to you
People can like and be attracted to more then one body type. I myself often "like" pictures of both thin and heavier women because I find both sexy. My husband loves my bigger body, can't keep his hands off me, but I know he also finds thinner woman sexy as well. My advice, stop looking at what he likes if it makes you uncomfortable but trying to control his online activities, especially at this easy stage, may very well push him away. It would me.
Well, of course he is amazing, I'm sure all the other guys were too in the beginning, right? No, I am not criticizing you, but I experienced this myself all the time and learned the hard way. At first, a guy you know superficially is amazing. Once you get to know him deep down though, you may find yourself disappointed and maybe even completely disgusted by him, his endearing quirks suddenly become annoying, his constant habit of checking on you is no longer cute, but stifling and controlling. This is what is referred to as the honeymoon phase -- when you're in love with everything and anything a guy does and he can do no wrong...until time goes by and all of a sudden, the rose-colored glasses come off and oh snap! He is now jobless because that laid back attitude you love translated to being too laid back at work and he was fired, or he wears cologne not because he wants to smell good, but because he showers once a week -- gross. This is also why J B. and several others have told you to slow down and get to know him well. Time not only heals wounds, but allows you to learn a lot and see things from a clearer perspective.
I also agree about not confronting him about the Instagram photos or putting your insecurities on him. This is a major turnoff and he will only cut you off or it will cause an ugly argument, which now leads to him thinking you're an insecure drama queen, and maybe he needs to make his social media private, to avoid you snooping on him. Try to see things from his end. Suppose you +1 pictures of Liam Hemsworth, his brother Chris, John Stamos, Paul Walker, and other hot, male celebrities. A few days later, your boyfriend comes up to you and accuses you of being a cheater because you're checking out shirtless, sexy dudes, and making him feel ugly and unwanted. You'd probably wonder why he was stalking your Instagram and why he's so needy and wanting constant reassurance from you, rather than being confident in himself or your affection. Confidence is sexy. Insecurity is not. You'd probably think it's kind of funny that he is jealous of some guys out in Hollywood that don't even know you exist and you probably have no chance of landing. See what I mean? Who is he saying is the best thing that ever happened to him? The sexy girl on Instagram, who may live in another continent, or you? Who is he making time for, despite being busy? Who is he introducing to his friends?
Please, chill out. The guy is busy. We all are. I would probably be accused of cheating left and right because I don't call a guy during work hours, or because I go home to do laundry and cook rather than make the time to see a guy daily. Guys also have household responsibilities, hobbies (like practicing guitar), cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, all of which keep them busy. I probably would also be accused of being a lesbian because as a hobby photographer, I like looking at artistic photos, some of which include retro pinup girls like Marilyn Monroe in sheer clothing or nude and hit the "+1" symbol on Google+, maybe make some comment about what a great body the model has, how beautiful she is, and how I wish I looked as good, but it's stupid to assume I am a lesbian or dating any of these women, most of which are dead or old anyway.
Regarding the "why does he like the skinny, tattooed girls, I am not that," I like men of all types, and men like women of all types. I have dated men who loved my full-figured chest, despite having dated a woman with small breasts in the past, or men who loved my short stature despite having dated a tall woman, men who dated Asian girls and I'm not at all Asian nor do I resemble one. Some men have dated submissive women, again, that's not me, I figure they're just trying things out, or maybe they are flexible enough to adapt to someone who is opinionated and someone who is quiet and doesn't like speaking her mind. I usually date white or Hispanic guys, but I find Asian men just as attractive and would be open to dating one. Does that mean I only like Asian guys now? Absolutely not. Just like you may find a guy with a 6-pack hot, as well as a guy who has more of a dad bod hot, he can find a skinny woman attractive AND a curvy woman attractive. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you or thinks less of you. Like I said, you have got to chill out. Keep yourself busy with your 2 jobs and 4 kids and stop overthinking this, girl. Take it day by day and find joy in the time you have together, companionship, and attention!
The reason that some posters are mentioning your children is because of the effects of relationships on your children that YOU have mentioned in the past. For example, you mentioned that your oldest daughter has been abandoned by her father (I know that you have not had a child since your divorce, you had one before your marriage). And then in December of 2013, you posted that you had a male friend over one month after your separation, and your exhusband's anger at finding out about that caused your exhusband to say that he "only has three daughters" (for some crazy reason, your exhusband decided to make a very cruel comment about your oldest daughter, simply as a way of showing his displeasure at you for dating!!).
So, those are a few examples in your past where your dating life - which at first seems completely unconnected to your four children - has ended up being very much connected to an impact on your children.
(But it also sounds like you have dated some nice guys - in February 2015 you mentioned that you were dating a police officer who wanted to help you donate to a child with cancer.)
Just be careful!! And, like you said, it is good to not introduce a guy to your children early on. Do not worry about his Instagram if he acts good to you.
you could talk to him about all this, if he is the right guy for you he will stick around and stop liking pics of women that are not you. and if he runs away he is doing you a favor. you are hiding feelings that you need to get out into the open air. if he stays you know hes for real and will be good for you, if he runs off then you will know he was just putting on an act or settling.
