I Need Help Blending My New Family

Updated on April 20, 2010
A.V. asks from Los Angeles, CA
4 answers

Hello all! I have a few questions. I have been separated from my ex for 1.5 yrs and recently signed the divorce. We have a 10yr old DD who initially had a REALLY difficult time with it all but now is doing well. My ex now lives with his girlfriend and I am in a relationship with someone I knew back in H.S.! We love each other and have decided to move in and have a baby. So here are my questions:

1. Anybody have any ideas about how to tell her he will be moving in with us? They get along well when they are together and he doesn't push. She'll die before admitting she actually likes him, though. I realize her loyalties are split and that must be difficult. Also, one thing for daddy to have a girlfriend, quite another that mommy has a boyfriend!

2. How do I support them both--primarily my DD? I share custody 60/40 with my ex so she will be with us most of the time. What kind of rules (discipline, privacy, anything else I just haven't thought of yet) have worked for anyone else in this situation? I would ideally like them both to feel supported so that there aren't any big resentments or misunderstandings from the get go.

3. Does anybody have any ideas about how to tell my DD about a new baby? She has been an only child for so long that I am a little anxious about how she would take the news. I've told her being her mommy has been so great I always wanted another one but it just didn't happen. She seems to be warming up to the idea.

4. Any other ideas and/or suggestions as to how to make this work best for all of us. None of us has any experience with blending families and so are probably missing a few pieces to the puzzle.

I realize the time line is short between one relationship and another. All I can say is that the first was over way before we separated and I trust God knew what he was doing when he brought my new partner back into my life so many years later. We both want more kids, he doesn't have any, and I'm no spring chicken. I'll be 36 in June and don't want to wait much longer due to possible higher medical complications and the possibility it might be difficult for me to get pregnant.

Thanks to everyone for your ideas and support.

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More Answers

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S.B.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I second the family counselor idea.

When my husband and I married, his son was 11. We moved very slowly (dated for 4 years before marrying and moving in). We saw a family counselor for a short time last summer to resolve some communication issues and I wish we'd done it years ago! Even just a few sessions can be so helpful! The counselor may also be able to help her adapt to the massive changes and accept the new family members without feeling like she is replacing her father.
Good luck!

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I understand where you are right now. This may be an unpopular response, yet I feel compelled to offer it.
You are raising a 10 year old girl. Stop and think if this is the right thing for her. What, exactly, would you like to teach her about relationships with men? She is watching your every move and depending on you for her well being. Teach her morals and values. Teach her that some things are worth waiting for.
"Getting along well" when they are together and him "not pushing" is not the same as living under the same roof and having him in the position of a male role model.
If you are sure you love this man enough, then marry him. Then have a baby. I had my son at 39 and wouldn't change a thing.
You can't rush time, or love, or feelings.
This is a crossroads that could potentially be a life changing disaster.
Best of luck!

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Be honest with your daughter. That is most important. Make sure she knows that your new boyfriend is NOT taking the place of her father but that he WILL be there for her if she ever needs him. Also, that she will be expected to respect him and listen to him, and obey him when he enforces the rules that the two of you have established together. It is up to her whether she eventually learns to love him or not, or even admit to liking him. She just has to treat him nicely.

Be honest with your ex as well. Since your daughter does spend a lot of time with both of you, it is important that neither of you bad mouths your ex or the new partners.

As for the new baby, tell her gently that you and your new boyfriend hope to have a baby together someday. Don't go into it too much until you are actually pregnant, since there is no sense in making a big deal out of it until it happens.

Good luck and congrats on your new happiness!

K.
www.citymommy.com

A.W.

answers from Savannah on

Hey hey,

Congratulations on moving on! Happier times are wonderful. Divorce is so ugly, and can be so dangerous - if it were me I would begin seeing a family counselor with her, just to keep the air clear. Its great that she's doing well, and seeing someone professionally for a short while can ensure that she is developing in a healthy way, and it will also help the transition into a blended family. I think its the safest and best bet for you guys.

Best of luck to all of you!

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