I Walked in on My 16 Year Old DD Having Some "Alone Time"...

I like Suz's idea and her script for you. I'd keep it even shorter and sweeter, though. "Honey, I'm so sorry I walked in on you the other day. That was totally my fault ok? It won't happen again. But I just hope you know that what you were doing was totally normal - it's not wrong or bad, and you're not in trouble. So if you ever have any questions, let me know. Just so you know."

Like others have said, don't expect her to take you up on it right away. The most important things for her to understand right now are 1. you're sorry for barging in, and 2. it's normal. If she understands those things, she'll be ok.

it's a pity she's got to this age and never had a conversation with her mother about it. if she had known beforehand that this is completely normal and every teenager does it, maybe she wouldn't be so miserably uncomfortable in her own body.
better late than never, i guess. i wouldn't sit her down at this point and have a Big Talk. i'd address it directly but casually. i suggest doing it while you're driving her somewhere so she doesn't feel compelled to make or avoid eye contact with you.
'sorry i walked in on you the other day, honey. it's embarrassing for both of us. but i want you to know that the only fault lies with me for not knocking. it's perfectly normal and appropriate for you to be getting to know your own body, and i also apologize for not letting you know that at a less embarrassing time. if you have any questions or concerns you can always come to me. now, do you have a dress picked out for the dance next week?'
don't expect that she'll take you up on your offer to discuss anything any time soon. she'll probably be mortified that you brought it up. but do it anyway. open that door, but don't try to drag her through it.
khairete
S.

Wow. Calling your daughter a prude because she doesn't want to talk with you about sex? That would make just about every woman I know a prude, then. Who the hell wants to talk to a parent about sexuality, especially one's own? Apologize discretely and don't push her to have some long, drawn out conversation about why she shouldn't be embarrassed. All that will do is mortify her further. You're trying to be the "hip" mom that a daughter can talk to about anything, but you're rejecting the fact that she doesn't want to and you're failing to respect that. And now you're posting about it publicly to boot.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Whether your daughter has been a "prude" or not? She still needs to have the sex talk.

Get her in a car for a drive. Then apologize for NOT knocking. Then talk with about sex. You need to have communication with your daughter. Apologize because walking in without knocking was wrong.

No. This hasn't happened to me. I can tell my boys are doing something behind closed doors, but I don't go to watch! :) We have the sexual talk a lot - when we have seen a movie, or something in one of the games they played, or on a TV Show or something in the news...we use those as opportunities to talk about our values, sex, etc.

Good luck!

You say you're sorry you interrupted a private moment, it's normal - everyone does it but no one talks about it - and you'll never forget to knock first again (or make sure she has a way to lock her door for a bit of privacy when she needs it).

I would just tell her that I am extremely sorry for not knocking first, and that what she was doing was perfectly normal and healthy, and that you will always knock in the future.

Don't say anything. Drop the subject. And wait to be told, "Come in" after knocking.

its a tough age. apologize for not knoking, but make sure she knows SHE did nothing wrong. maybe joke about it and tell here to lock the door next time in case you forget to knock. keep it as light as possible.

If she doesn't want to talk about it you let it go. I would have just apologized for not knocking at the time. It will become less awkward in time. If you didn't apologize at the time and feel you must say something you could just say you were sorry you didn't knock. If she wants to say something she can. But I personally would let it go. I'm pretty open with my kids and we had the talk actually several over the years. I wouldn't feel the need myself to discuss.

It's good that you acknowledge your mistake in walking in like that.

I think Suz has given you a good outline of a "script" for talking about this, and Wild Woman's idea of doing it in the car is a common technique for talking to kids. You don't have to have eye contact but they can't get out of the car either.

Here's where I think you need to examine your own feelings. You say that your daughter is prudish, but you yourself are using terms like "alone time" and "on a place that isn't her back." Why not just say she was masturbating? If this is such a normal activity (and I agree it is), why avoid using the proper vocabulary? I think that sends a huge mixed message that, somehow, there's something not quite polite about this. And you have not had this talk with her, but you're wondering/hoping that she has talking to her friends about it? What makes you think they are any more knowledgeable about it than she is? What makes you think their parents have had the talk you haven't had?

Your daughter is exploring her body and finding what makes her feel good. This is the first step toward having a meaningful sexual relationship in which she will need to guide another person in what makes her feel good. And it's pleasurable and a stress reducer - all good things. She was masturbating in what she erroneously thought was a private setting, but that's not her fault, it was yours.

So, in addition to the talk (and it should be more than one, and you should admit that you are way, way behind and that you have done her a disservice), you can either buy her a book as detailed as the classic "Our Bodies, Ourselves" or you can give her a gift card to buy it herself. I'd suggest the first thing, so it's a gift to her from you and an acknowledgment that we all need help in learning the facts. This book was designed for women who never had anyone teach them all facts, and it teaches the words as well as acknowledges the feelings involved in all of this.

Right now, she's not going to come to you, in part because she is embarrassed, in part because there's been a break in the trust, and in part because she's not sure you're the resource for her. But at least you will leave her with a "Body Bible" she can refer to any time she wants.

You haven't had the sex talk with her?? Why not??

My daughter is 12 and I am SO glad I talked to her all about what would happen when she got her cycle, what to expect, etc. We talked about how babies are made, what bad things can happen by not being careful, but that it's supposed to be enjoyable once she is MARRIED. I got her a book at Target and had her read it, then told her to ask me anything she wanted - I would be honest with her.

When her cycle started in July, she didn't freak out. She was pissed because she knows that is a pain in the rear, but she was totally fine. I freaked out though. We went for a drive, got coffee, went to Target to get her a bag to carry her supplies in when she went back to school, and got her like 5 pairs of comfy yoga pants.

I imagine we'll do the same if she ever wants to talk more in-depth about sex, which I hope she does. I'd rather be the one to answer her questions than her friends. You NEED to talk to her. But not right now. Right now I'd drop it - and bring it up another time totally non-related to this.

You call her in and talk to her. If you want to talk about what "you" do in times like this and how normal it is then that's up to you. I don't talk about that but I do talk about how normal it is to learn about your own body. If I did this I would apologize to her, face to face, and let her choose if she wants a lock on her door. I can't imagine her being in a bedroom where she can't lock her door to begin with but that's a given, she gets a door that locks now.

She will get over this but being open and honest and apologetic will go a long ways to helping her feel better.

I am deciding on what age my daughter should be when I start knocking on her door. When I was growing up at home my mother said this my house and I don't have to knock to enter any room so if you I didn't want Mom to see it I didn't do it.

That being said I would talk to her even though she doesn't want to listen. You may need to rehearse what you will say before talking to her. Let her know that she can come to you anytime which you probably already have. I know this was shocking to the both of you. Good luck.