I Want to Leave My Husband - We Own a Home Together

I would talk to a lawyer before making a decision. You won't be the first in this situation and they can better tell you what options are available. Most will do a free consultation.

Well I have good news and bad news. According to the IRS website it does have to remain your primary residence for three years. The good news is you don't have to pay it back at once. If it is the same as the other paybacks it is over 15 years.

Here is the rub, and don't you dare quote me on this cause I do want to take my CPA exam and it would suck if I couldn't be licensed because I point out a way out. You can rent an apartment and it is not your primary residence. The problem is you will have to keep your old address as your official address and he would have to keep up the mortgage. Thing is this all gets kinda squicky once your divorce is final cause, ya know, the taxes.

Have you considered being separated until the three years are up?

Oh and Julie dear, my ex used to beat up on our Autistic son, exactly how is that hurtful or selfish to take him away from that? Get some therapy hun instead of attacking the rest of us.

T.,
I can't tell you anything about the house situation, but I want to tell you that divorce is sometimes necessary. And I'm sorry that Julie had such a hard time with her parents' divorce, but it is NOT hateful or selfish and it is NOT something parents set out "to DO" to their children. It is sometimes an unfortunate necessity, and often creates a happier place for the children to be.
I'm going to assume that you have very good reasons for doing what you're doing, and have already gone the counseling route. If this is the case, don't let anyone make you feel bad about something you need to do.

ETA: Momma W. - I, too, am a child who went through her parents being divorced. My mom married my stepfather soon after her divorce was final. Neither I, nor my sisters, had a problem with it. We didn't feel as though she "forced" it on us. He legally adopted us (4 girls!) a year later. Our dad loves us, and raised us as he would his own. Actually, he raised us better than his own, because when my stepbrother and stepsister would come live with us during the summer months, he spoiled them rotten. Didn't seem fair to us at the time, but I'm glad now that he didn't do that to us! My dad is also a wonderful grandfather to all of our children!

We never saw our biological father after the divorce. I'm sure he would have liked to see us. I'm sure he loved us. But in those days, one only had to put a small ad in the paper (not even a well read paper) stating that one intended to adopt, and if the biological parent wanted to stop it, they'd better be lucky enough to see that small ad in that unknown paper! Of course, my mom chose a paper she knew our biological father would never see, and my dad adopted us. Then, even if bio dad HAD made an effort to find us, (he didn't) he couldn't have done anything about it.

I know this is a long, drawn out comment, but my point is this.....

I don't hold it against my bio dad that he never came after us. I'm sure he loved us, but he had problems of his own (alcoholic) that probably stopped him from doing things he may have wanted to do. I don't hold it against my mom that she did what she did to get my dad to adopt us. She wanted a stable home for us, and did what she felt she needed to in order to get it. As an adult, I can see the situation from everyone's perspective, and I can sympathize with each.

What is past, is past. It cannot be changed. It cannot be "fixed". It needs to be accepted as something that those involved thought was best at that time. And by acceptance, and an attempt to understand, one can free oneself from all those old ghosts......and move on, at peace.

Hugs, T.. I don't know your reasons for wanting a divorce and I don't need to know. It's none of our business and Julie is totally wrong that people who divorce are automatically hateful and selfish.
So sorry you had to get slapped with that kind of judgement!

Since you asked for advice and NOT JUDGEMENT, I will give you mine. My advice is to see an attorney and discuss the issue with them. Yes, it may cost for a consultation, but it could save you lots in the long run.

Please don't be bothered by those that are telling you that divorce is wrong, unacceptable, selfish, etc. YOU are the only one who can decide what is best for your family. I'm sure this is not a decision you have taken lightly and have come here for support, not judgement about your decision. Good luck to you and your family.

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If their are kids involved, I would suggest going through counseling before you make any impulsive decisions. I don't know your reasons, you don't list any. So, it's hard to really give you a response.

If you just want to leave, I don't think it's fair nor right for your husband and your children to have to resettle somewhere else. Especially if you just bought the house.

Depending on your reasons for leaving, if it is that bad, I would find an apartment, or see about obtaining a loan for a home or rental. It probably would also be important to file for divorce and start that process if that is what you want to have happen.

Divorce isn't easy but I disagree it is selfish and hatefull um do you think it is good for kids to see people fighting or Mom getting beat up or Dad cheating or yelling and screaming? I think it is an unselfish thing when you leave knowing you will have to sacrifice things and work hard and make it on your own. You do what you have to do. If you think you stay together and not get hurt and not fight all the time then stay but if you are afraid or fighting all the time then get out while you can and make arraingement for the two of you to pay back the money.

OK...

1. Talk to the mortgage holder and see what the current parameters are because you don't know much about the loan. My husband had a government loan when he purchased his condo. He had to live in it for 2 years before selling or he would have to pay a significant fine. When we put it on the market, we didn't think it would sell in a week (peak of the market), but we did put a clause in the contract that required closing after a specific date- the day after his "2 year" government contract was over.
2. Houses don't sell/close overnight in this market, so if you can hold-off on making this decision for another year you may be within the 3 year limit by the time you close.
3. If you cannot afford to live on your own, then you MUST find another source of income now.

You don't leave your husband and walk away from a mortgage with two kids in tow without a real plan and the ability to finance it. Get another job- part time, whatever. Put money away and start saving so that if/when you decide that it's time to end your marriage you are able to support yourself and your two children.

If you have to pay the IRS back, so be it. You will have to pay them the money owed, but they will likely work with you to do so.

if you don't have the money to pay the IRS back - find a place to loan you the money to pay it back - if you want out that bad..

The details aren't boring - it helps other's make informed responses...I can't think of anything worth leaving my husband over...we've been through enough in our 14 years together - we signed up for death do us part...the only thing I'd leave him over is if he began hitting me or I him - that's not acceptable..

If you have good credit - there is no reason you can't buy a home on your own and can afford it or a rental ...all depends upon your income, credit and ability to repay the mortgage or the rental payment.

As long as it's not abusive (and if it is, get into contact with a womens shelter immediately), I'd try to stick it out till the 3 years is up.
You can sleep in separate bedrooms (maybe you and the kids together and husband in another room) and live more like room mates instead of a married couple.
Once the 3 years is up, you can sell it or rent it out.
If you take some time to plan your escape (and do what you can to get a better paying job for when you are on your own), your are going to land on your feet in a much more stable position than if you bolt now and have to patch something together.

First time home owners tax credit of '10?

I *believe* (and I haven't looked for a bit - so I'm not entirely sure) that you can leave the house. You simply couldn't buy a new house, or sell the one you've got for a few more years - but you could move out.

If I'm right you could:
- Both leave your current residence. Rent the house out, and each of you find new (less expensive) homes/apartments to rent.
- Your husband could stay and find a roommate.
- You could stay in your home (w/ or w/out roommates)
- You could sell and figure out a way to pay back the money.

I wouldn't let worries about money stop you from leaving. When you put the home up for sale, you may get enough back from whatever equity you have in the house to cover the IRS payment. You won't have to worry about paying them back until at least April of next year, and even then they will give you payment options. They won't come knocking on your door demanding their money!

If your husband stays in the house, make sure you get your name off BOTH the deed AND the mortgage. When my husband got divorced, he only did the Quit-Deed part, which removed him from ownership in his former home. But he didn't realize he was still technically on the mortgage, so when his ex defaulted his credit was affected majorly. It takes 8 or 10 so years for a foreclosure to fall off your credit report and it will be VERY difficult for you to get a house if that happens. But you can avoid it and be OK. Just make sure all of these things are worked into your divorce agreement - including the IRS payment.

Another option might be for you to both move out and rent out the home. That way you are still technically the owners for three years, but it solves the other issues.

Good luck!

I would say if you can make the payment by yourself then you stay in the home and he move out. The kids keep the house, whoever has the house has the kids.

Speaking as a child of divorce.

Both my parents remarried after their divorce. None of those "steps" got along with us 4 kids.

I don't know what you should do regarding the house..looks like you got some info in that dept.

My advice is to find a safe and happy place to raise your children ALONE. Don't remarry and force another "daddy" on these kids. No one will love your babies as much as you do...or at least don't take the risk trying to find a man that will. Raise your kids with all the love and time you can give them...then send them off on their adventure into adulthood...and then go lookin' for love again.

Good luck and best wishes for a happy life with your kiddos.

Ok, if the both of you are on the mortgage, then one of you will need to refinance it under your name solely. Even if you get divorced and in the decree it says he is responsible for the payment, if he doesn't make the payments for the mortgage the bank will come for you too. The mortgage note supercedes the divorce decree.

I think usually in these circumstances most people sell, it's just easier. If this is unavailable to you then financially you may be stuck.

Will you be able to buy another house? Well that depends. If you try and stay on the mortgage, then I think not. Your debt to income will be to high, making it unlikely you will be able to purchase another home. If he refinances it solely in his name then yes, I think you should be able to. Just remember it can take 30 - 60 days for those things to show up on your credit report, so you will need to get evidence that the loan is no longer in your name.

If you can afford it and you just can't wait, then you might be best off to refinance the loan solely in your name. You can always call your mortgage rep and put out some feeler questions on it. If you have only had the house for a year and a half, the rep that you dealt with will probably still be familiar with you. As a former banker I can tell you that we know how to be discrete as well.

Sorry to suggest detering your decision to leave your husband? Why did you settle for the house? Have you had counseling? Why do you want to leave him and uproot your kids? Is he abusive yep I would leave for sure. If it's because you don't agree with him or he argues with your oldest is not a reason. Irreconsiable differences isn't a reason either unless you've tried to work on the issues with help and nothing is working.

As far as the house if you are planning on leaving you really should speak to an attorney and the best course of action to take.

I'd stick it out and start taking some money from the joint account and put it into an account with only your name on it. In the meantime, I'd start looking into lawyers and asking them how you can remove yourself from the deed and home legally, since you plan on divorcing. It'll be a really hard 18 months, but at least you will have some savings by then and more info on how to move forward.

Get help putting the pencil to your situation. Figure up what it will actually cost you to leave now versus leaving in a year and a half. Then ask yourself the Ann Landers' question, "Are we better off with or without?" Go from there.
Good luck!

My SO lived with his parents while they were seperating and after they got a divorce (they continued to live with each other for a while after that). He said that he wished they would have just really seperated. He said it was more confusing when the parents wouldn't even speak to each other at the dinner table (yes they continued to eat together) and that it was just really unfair to the kids to have to try to decipher the parents emotions at certain times. I come from a divorced family as well and my parents decided it was over and no more living together, then divorce done and done. Whats interesting is when his parents finally moved apart they never spoke to each other again (and still haven't to this day) and my parents get along fine during holidays, and just in general. I know they aren't the same couple its just interesting.

My point is, if its over, and you know its over, (and you know when its over), then be done with it. Cause those years of lying and manipulation over money and the house will destroy your relationship with him. That sounds great and all but you do have a child with him so he will never be out of your life. ever.

Kick him out and you keep the kids and the house.
Make him pay child support -- make sure that part of the child support will cover part of the mortgage.
LBC

You need to get a really good divorce lawyer and talk with a really good tax lawyer. You need to get your name off of the title of that house and off of the loan. It sounds like it was really only a technicality that your name was put on the house, so do whatever you can to get it removed during the separation/divorce. Don't wait until after the divorce or you'll be responsible for contributing to the mortgage and/or repaying that tax credit.

You're not obligated to live there if you're going to divorce him. Once you move out and get your name off the house legally, then the mortgage and selling the house will be entirely up to him.

If I were in your position where I had made the decision to divorce and there were no chance at reconciling I would NOT stay to finish out the three years. It rarely ends well. I've never seen it ever work out amicably and it ends up confusing and emotionally damaging the kids.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, divorce is always difficult even when you don't have to consider kids, and houses, and taxes. The one thing I can help with (as a CPA) is to let you know that the IRS allows for an exemption to the payback of the homebuyer credit in the event of divorce (the spouse who remains takes over the requirement to stay in the home). If you so decide to go forward with the divorce I would talk with a tax professional about this.

Typically during a divorce, who ever keeps the house, will have to refinance it under their name. You will need to check to see if would require paying the IRS back or if that is allowable.