I Want to Work, He Doesn't Want Me To

I know the feeling, I was in school & raising my 2 kids plus my sister's 4. a car wreck has me out of school for a while, gonna try again in Feb. (I was in CNA classes & only 4 days of clinicals left but got a broken arm with metal in it that stopped me). now I'm at home all day cept when I go get the kids from school. there's some days I come on here just for adult conversations. if you ever want to talk just email me, ____@____.com or eaglesmaiden3 on YIM

if you want out of the house, but you're hubby doesn't want you to "work", why don't you try volunteering. Hospitals and nursiong homes can always use volunteers, local churches usually need help with prayer call lists and delivering food the needy. or maybe you join a play group for your son...he gets to interact with other kids his age and you'd get to interact with some other moms in your area.

IF YOUR HUSBAND ISNT GETTING THAT YOU ARE BURNED OUT AND MOST LIKELY EXHAUSTING YOURSELF FROM ALL OF THE HOUSEWORK, SCHOOLWORK AND EVERYTHING PERTAINING TO YOUR BABY THEN DO YOU REALLY THINK IT WILL BE EASIER ON YOU IF YOU GET A JOB AS WELL,.....YES IT WILL GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE...BUT THEN YOU WILL COME HOME TIRED AND HAVE TO DO ALL THE HOUSEWORK AND THINGS THEN. I KNOW IT SOUNDS A LITTLE TRITE, BUT WHY NOT GET A HOBBY THAT ALLOWS YOU TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE BUT ISNT AS DEMANDING AS A JOB. WHY NOT VOLUNTEER SOMEPLACE EVEN AND IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESNT AGREE WITH THAT TELL HIM THAT VOLUNTEERING YOUR TIME WILL LOOK AWESOME ON A RESUME WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED WITH SCHOOL....OR WHY NOT BEGIN A STUDY GROUP WITH OTHER STUDENTS AND REMEMBER PART OF STUDYING IS RELAXING TOO. OR MAYBE JOIN A GYM OR SOMETHING. THATS WHAT I DO AND TRUST ME ITS NOT BC I LIKE TO EXERCISE..WHO REALLY DOES?? BUT I DO LIKE THAT I AM ABLE TO KEEP IN SHAPE PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY BC THAT LITTLE BREAK IS BIGGER THAN MOST PEOPLE SEE. WE HAVE 3 KIDS AND AFTER OUR 3RD WAS BORN I REMEMBER ONE DAY WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 2 MONTHS OLD....I HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE SHOWER AND I WAS LUCKY I WAS ABLE TO EVEN SHOWER THEN BUT ANYWAY THE BABY WAS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS..AND YES I HAD HER IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME SO I COULD WATCH HER....MY OTHER 2 WERE PLAYING AND BEING KIDS..LOUD AND HAVING FUN AND I REMEMBER BEING SOOOOOOO MAD AT MY HUSBAND BECAUSE IT WAS A WEEKEND AND HE WAS OFF WORK AND IM STANDING THERE SO EXHAUSTED THAT I WAS BARELY ABLE TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN AND HE WAS OUTSIDE TINKERING WITH WHATEVER. SO FINALLY I WAS LIKE HEY YOU GOTTA HELP OUT MORE.....AND AFTER AWHILE HE DID BUT WHATS THE POINT OF GETTING TO THAT POINT BEFORE A GUY HELPS OUT...US MOTHERS DIDNT MAKE THE BABIES ON OUR OWN SO WHY ARE WE THE ONES WHO DO ALL OF THE WORK....AND FOR A MAN TO ACT LIKE MOMS DONT DO ALOT JUST BC THEY DONT WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME IS A BUNCH OF BUFFALO DROPPINGS IF YOU ASK ME. LIKE YOU, I DONT REALLY HAVE ANY FEMALE FRIENDS...WELL NOT CLOSE BY OR ANYTHING SO ITS HARD WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE AND YOU GOT THE WHOLE WORLD TO TAKE CARE OF. IT SURE MAKES IT HARD TO ENJOY YOUR BABY AND TO ENJOY LIFE. BUT YOU NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO RELAX YOU....YOU WANT TO BE HEALTHY FOR YOUR BABY....ITS HARD MAKING FRIENDS...FOR SOME REASON EVEN HARDER WHNE YOU ARE THE STRESSED OUT MOM THAT SEEMS FRAZZLED SO IF YOU WANT TO EMAIL ME OR SOMETHING MAYBE WE CAN TALK SOMETIMES. AND DONT FORGET THAT EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE DOESNT HAVE TO BE PERFECT...IF IT MEANS THE LAUNDRY DOESNT GET PUT AWAY OR THAT DISHES ARE DIRTY FOR A LIL WHILE FOR YOU TO RELAX AND DO NOTHING WITH YOUR BABY THEN THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE SOMETIMES....EVEN 30 MINUTES OF ABSOLUTE NOTHINGNESS CAN HELP A PERSON RELAX. I DONT MEAN TO SOUND LIKE A HEALTH NUT BC IM NOT IN ANYWAY...BUT MAKE SURE YOU ARE EATING RIGHT AND GETTING A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF SLEEP ( EASIER SAID THAN DONE) AND THAT YOU GET THE TIME TO RELAX AND JUST ENJOY LIFE...ITS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO SPEND IT BEAT AND EXHAUSTED. NOT TO MENTION THE RESENTMENT YOU WILL FEEL TOWARDS YOUR HUSBAND SINCE HE SEEMS TO THINK THAT YOU DO NOTHING. WHY NOT LET HIM TAKE A COUPLE DAYS THAT HE IS OFF WORK AND LET HIM DO THE NOTHING THAT YOU DO...HELL EITHER REALLY APPRECIATE YOU IN THE END OR NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT BUT ITS WORTH THE TRY ....GOOD LUCK

Hi A., Wow- you certainly have a full plate. No wonder you're a little burned out. Sometimes I think some men get a little insecure when their wife is unhappy with being a stay-at-home mom & wife. Most women need "me time" and I think that is intimidating to men because they feel it is a reflection on them and how you feel about your relationship. If he's against you getting a job maybe you could volunteer somewhere or find a womens group. There are all sorts of groups like Bible study groups,Mommy & Me, quilting or sewing groups. Since you're going to be a nurse maybe you could volunteer at a hospital or nursing home. The best thing to do is try to make him understand that you're not unhappy with him and your life together but that you need to grow and learn as a woman, also. I'll be happy to talk to you more about this, anytime. God bless. ~B. C.

My feeling is that it's irresponsible not to work a little. It's optimistic to think that nothing could ever happen to your husband. What if it did? (propose the question) You will need relevant work skills, a resume with work history in order to be the sole provider. It also helps keep you more mentally balanced & happy. My question for him is why NOT--is this a need to control everything? That would be a concern!

So...I have dealt with no having anyone understand that I was burnt out, taken for granted, and just plain needed a break. I, like yourself, was a sahm; taking care of absolutely everything and going to school full time. And my husband also didn't grasp what possible reason I would have to be tired, cranky, burnt out...because I "didn't do anything" either.

Well, I decided to take a different approach. I researched it and sent my husband an invoice for all of my services. The prices were accurate costing for outsourcing the day to day things I took care of. Child care, cook, laundry service, doctor, housekeeper, personal assitant, accountant, taxi service...I also added sex...you get the point.

Well, my husband's invoice ended up being a crazy sum of $150,000 for the year! He started to laugh it off at first when I told him that just like any other vendor would do, if payment was not received promptly I would discontinue service. Well he laughed about it for about a week...then one morning he went to get ready for work and had no clothes to wear...then he came home and there was no dinner for him...then his cell phone was diconnected for non payment. Basically, I had stopped doing ANYTHING for HIM. I still took care of the boys, but if it had anything to do with my husband I just stopped. Let me tell you it did not take long for him to apologize to me!

I never got paid :( but I did have a new respect from my husband and he started being more sensitive to my day to day grind and my need for time to myself!

good luck

Y.

A., I live in Oak hill, West virginia and attended MSU for awhile. I have 4 kids, and 2 have special needs. Your story sounds identical to mine! PLease email me at ____@____.com. There's so much I can tell you! :)

Hi A..
I have been in your situation and luckily I was able to get back to work finally. However when my man came home and acted like i did nothing all day i gave him a baby weekend. :) When he was off work i would go to my mothers house and leave her phone on and tell him when you finally need a break call me.
It didnt take him long to call me and ask how do I know what he needs? All he is doing is crying. Hes not wet, exct. Moms are there so much they know what the differnt baby signals mean. I told him to figure it out and maybe then he could say I did nothing all day.
The next time he came home this way again i said OK here we go again. I waited for his day off. Left him a list of things that i had not done fed, diapered our son and placed him down for a nap and went to moms and then said to him, Lets see how much YOU can get done and Oh BTW he will prolly only sleep in spurts.
After our son woke and he couldnt calm him down he called me again. I came home this time and set him down and todl him. Being a parent is a full time job. Not a easy break becasue i am home all day. Now you see what it is like you can help. Take trash out when you get off work, maybe cook or do some dishes. I am one person and I need my own space too.
So i joined a Breastfeeding support group through WIC. We met with moms all the time every few weeks. babies invited of course. The kids played. we met at parks, shared expieriences, and had a blast, we did parties and I will tell you those meetings were a godsend. It helped me to one gain friends, 2 meet other moms with kids my childrens age. Plus when you arent as stressed you can get more done. I finally went back to work full time when my son was a year old. My man works full time too. On his days off he keeps our son and we have worked out our days off to be the same time so we can have family time and also time to do some housework that might not get done through the week. This has made a better bonding experience for our son and made life livable for us both as well. He does things that i cant right now(9 months preg) and I do what i can here and there. It will get better but dont be afraid to open your mouth. Remember WE ARE WOMEN!!!
Some men get into thier heads that women cannot do anything but stay at home. When you stand up and make them do the *Womens work* it no longer looks so easy anymore.
If you ever want to talk email me
____@____.com
IM here also :)
T.

Hi A.-
Well I see you are with Discovery Toys (me too!), does that help in getting you out of the house? I go to another mom website, www.momadvice.com and everyone there is great. It is nice to ask questions, get some great tips, and just vent with other moms. Good luck, I know how it is without having any other moms around to talk with. If you want to vent with me I completely understand and am willing to listen. I hope things get better...

J.

He needs 2 realize how much stress and pressure that u are under,you know consider your feelings and just realize that u need a breather and some time 2 yourself.Good luck with everything.

A., only you know how you feel and whats best for you. What if for some reason your husband was no longer around? You have very little work experience out of the home although you study at home. What kind of dilema would that throw you into emotionaly. Everyone,especially women need a degree of independence. I don't know your husband but it sounds like a bit of insecurity on his part. I think at least a parttime position would not only relieve your anxiety but make you feel much better about yourself which a husband usually benefits from. So honey,I'm up in age but I've been around long enough to know in order to be happy, only you know what will make it happen.So act on it dear. Life is a gift so appreciate it.

Hello A.!

First of all, congratulations for going for your RN. I am an LPN, with hopes to enroll for RN classes this spring. Wish me luck there!! :-) As for not being able to get out of the house...try and find some moms in your area...see if you could do some together time with them and their children. I know its hard when you are expected to do it all and have no "escape." I am not sure why your husband does not want you to work and I am guessing you cannot talk to him about it, without him getting huffy?!?! Well, if you ever need to talk, just email me at ____@____.com or YIM is mandyjosamm1978. Good luck and I am willing to talk ANYTIME!!!