I honestly didn't think we'd hit this phase until the kids were teenagers, but obviously I'm very wrong!
My 10 year old is in a phase where nothing matters, he's being disrespectful, and flat out won't listen. Any punishment is fluff - we've tried early bedtimes, taking away favorite items, privleges, grounding - you name it. No matter what punishment it is, he'll say "okay" or smile about it. We've tried the "What do you think would be a fair punishment for ______?" and he'll even suggest things I think are more harsh than need be, but he is completely blase about them.
I'm at my wit's end with him. We'll talk about something and then he's doing the same thing two seconds later. Remind him of the rules, he'll give a I'm-apologizing-because-I-have-to apology and then do it again.
Aside from this, he's still loving, affectionate, helps with the housework, is a really great kid, but when he gets started on this tangents, I'm completely lost.
Here is a website that might be helpful:
http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct?usAjkJSi51FOsE43QsRw
I hope I typed that in correctly. If it doesn't work, try aweber.com. I am on her list to receive weekly emails with helpful advice on raising kids.
Wishing you the best!
Sounds to me as if this child wants to see what it is that will push you over the edge and stop loving him or leave. I have first hand experience with these lovely attitudes.
If the boys are not in counseling, get them started right away, as well as family counseling. The older boy may be the only one having this awful behavior now but the younger may start soon.
Now for a bit of advise that may make your son more angry at first; every time he says/does something out of line, reprimand him then follow it with "I still love you but I don't like your attitude/behavior right now." Make sure you not only tell them both but show them that no matter what they do/say you will always be there for them. This can get a bit difficult at times but in the end it is worth it!
I know because I am on the other side. Once during family counseling, my daughter (I don't like to use the word "step" but that is what she is) was asked what would happen if her dad and I got divorced/separated? This was just a question to find out a bit more of her thoughts as to the family as a whole. She replied "nothing". When asked to explain this comment, she said that nothing would happen be cause I would keep her with me and we would continue living in our house. She said she had no idea what her dad would do but her life would not change escept for her dad not living with us. She was then asked if given the choice who would she prefer to live with and again she replied it would be me. Because she always felt I would never leave or ever stop loving her. My husband soon learned to change the way he talked to her so she would know he felt the same as me.
To love someone is to do so unconditionally but it doesn't mean you have to like them at times or their behavior/attitude. Just explain to your sons that your love is not a water faucet; you can not turn it on/off.
J., being a step mom is hard. I am an ex step mom to a 19 year old young lady and a 15 year old boy. He went through the same type of think around 12 or so. I still talk to my step kids on an almost daily basis and my step daughter lives with my mom. Strange situation I know.
Your son sounds like a wonderful boy with some issues that he is unsure how to handle. Even though he is ten, kids at that age don't have the capacity to really reason out their problems like adults, even though sometimes we wish they could.
I agree with Drama Mama, as a family should seek counseling and if your son is ok with individual counseling he should do that too. Make sure that the counselor knows that one of the issues that needs to be addressed is his biological mom. Sibling rivalry will happen and if both of the boys deal with the rivalry in a healthy manner, it will hopefully bring them closer.
PLEASE don't ship him off to a military school, that will prove nothing and you will end up with a monster. Not that you would, but just the suggestion of it is horrible. The only thing that military school will do is give you a break from having to parent him for a couple of years, it will not make him a "better" man. Just a thought.
I would also stop letting him pick his punishments. That is just one more control tactic he is using against you. He knows you are not going to follow through with those punishments. You need to set clear rules with him and stick to them. Both you and your husband need to be a united front on the discipline.
It is the nature of kids to defy their parents.
You are the parents, and no matter how hard it is, you need to be the one to decide what is good for them. We all want our kids to be strong, independant, self reliant, compassionate young adults. All of these things come from strong, nurturing parents. Sadly, if you let him do this now, you may end up losing control when he is in his teens.
My prayers are with you and your family. Hang in there.
J.,
My 8 year old daughter has started doing this. Some things are a mirror to what your son is doing.
Have you had him tested for ADHD, ADD, or ODD? All 3 of those could be why he is acting out.
Also, has anything changed drastically in his life around the time this behavior started? He may be upset and not know how to handle it. Maybe he is too smart for his school work. I have talked to parents whos children have started acting out because they are not being challenged at school. I think you should talk to his teachers and see what they think the best course of action should be. If he is acting like this at school, then it is a serious issue that needs to be handled right now. If it is only at home, I would try my hardest to figure out why he is acting like this, maybe he is having problems with the issues you are having with his mom. How long have you and his father been married? Maybe he is trying to find a way to make you not want him so you send him off to live with his mom? He could be jealous that you are taking the attention he gets from his dad away...
Good Luck, I know I didn't offer any answers, but hopefully something I suggested will make you say "yeah that happened" and you can look into it from there.
H.
Hi J.,
Sounds like you have alot on your plate right now, as well as your 10 yr old. Maybe there is more family issues behind his behavior, I seen something about his Bio-mom. I bet he is going for that negitive attention. Or it's a cry for help. I would try to talk to him and give him more praise for his good behavior, and if he doesn't want to talk to you, maybe he will opening up to a counseler.
I suggest that for kids that are going through alot of family issues.
Good Luck and try to be understanding.
Hello J.,
I gotta say this first don't give up! I have a 17 yr old son who sorta went through the same thing, just "didn't care" attitude. We found out that he was "very" depressed and sad because here the only person he knew as dad was gone and someone else stepping in to "take over" as he saw it... My son who was 12 at the time of all this was trying to see if the "new" person in his life was gonna leave him like his father did. He just kept pushing and my new husband just kept pushing back and giving him more and more love and understanding, and after time my son realized that he wasn't going anywhere and started to back down a bit. But his guard is still up and he still does "test the waters" everynow and then but not near as bad. Also if talk is happening about his bio-mom becareful not to talk in front of him or where he can hear you talking, mine used to sit with his ear pressed up against the doors listening, then the "who cares attitude" would come back out full force. Good luck
believe me it starts earlier these days...my daughters 14 its been going on for a few years...i give you credit your a strong person to be a step mom.talk to him reward his good behavier good luck dear,A.
I'm thinking if things are going on with his bio-mom he's upset inside but won't show it and is "testing" you to see if you'll crack- if you'll leave him or give up on him. Just stay persistant and don't give in. The best thing in the world for him is stability, persistants, and firm parenting which sounds like your doing just that just keep on doing what your doing.
i'm going through the same problem with my 10 year old, if you got any good advice on this from anyone, please let me know.
You mention that you're going through alot right now with the boys' biological mother; did this behavior start around the same time? Dealing with ex's is hard enough on us, but it's even harder on our kids. He may just be looking for the reassurance that he's still loved no matter what. It's easy for kids to think they're to blame, and he may just need to know that no matter what junk he pulls, you're still there for him.
Have you considered councelling? My parents have been married for nearly 30 years, but we still benifitted from family sessions (I also did the whole "I don't care" attitude in my teen years). Since he's still being affectionate with the family and asking for punishments much harsher than you would normally give, I think he may just be testing the waters to see where he stands with you. I wish I had better advice to give, but I'm pretty sure this will pass in time. Best of luck to you and keep your chin up. :)
Jess
Gee, sounds like depression.
Besides a good kick in the butt I guess you can't do that so I'd suggest that if it gets real bad you can ship him off to a boot camp or correction facility. My parents threatened me with that and my Mom was actually put into such a place. Boys get attitudes and if you've tried all you can I'd suggest doing that. You could also do counseling for him and for your whole family. Maybe it just comes down to a third party to change maybe the way the communication is structured in the family or to help set the expectations.
