Recently, I have really been missing my parents. I have been living in Japan for a long time now. The last time I saw them was when my son was 2 months old. He is 5 years old now. I have always been very good about talking with my parents on the phone. Neither of them have a computer or email accounts, so the phone is really our main means of communicating. My parents are divorced, and I didn't have a very good relationship with my father until about 8 years ago when I decided to reach out to him one last time before getting married. My parents never phone me. I am the one that always calls them. Except twice a year at Christmas and on my birthday my mother will call at a time she knows I won't answer and leave a message on my answering machine. This last year, she didn't call for my birthday. I was a little hurt by that. She has been working a lot of overtime these days and her work schedule is always changing. As a result, I have talked more with my father this past year.
I would love to go back to the States and visit with them. I want my son to be able to give his grandma and grandpa a real hug and kiss instead of hugging himself and blowing kisses into the phone while he looks at a photo of his grandparents. I loved my own grandparents (mom's side) dearly. I even named my son after my grandfather. I want my parents to know their grandson too. I just feel like they have missed out so much on his life so far.
Eight years ago when I went home and took my now husband with me to meet my parents we stayed with my mother. When we got in the house, I was totally shocked. It was packed full of things piled up. We could barely squeeze our suitcases through the kitchen. Almost the entire house was like going through an anthouse. I played piano when I was a kid. I had no idea where my piano even was in the house. Now, I had warned my husband that we might not be able to take a shower because the wall of our bathroom had some missing tiles that my mother never had repaired. I was unprepared for not even being able to use the bathtub. We had to take spongebaths from the bathroom sink for the week we visited. I felt so embarrased by my childhood house, and so grateful that my husband loved me enough to not let this experience detour him from marrying me. When I returned to Japan, I was ever so grateful for being able to take a hot shower.
When I was pregant with my son, I talked with my mother. I begged her to clean up her house so that we would be able to visit after my son was born. With the help of my mother's neighbor, she managed to clean out the living room and one bedroom for us to visit. We still had to do the spongebaths though. Because airline tickets are so expensive and routes are very indirect, we decided to visit once every two years. When my son was two, my mother told me that it would be better to wait an extra year to visit because of construction work going on in front of her house. The driveways were near impossible to get in and out of. The next year she said she couldn't get time off from work long enough to spend with us. Last year we didn't have the money since we had to get a new car. This year she told me that the house was worse than when I visited the first time with my husband, and to ask my father if I could stay with him.
I honestly am very worried about her. Does anyone have experience with someone collecting so much stuff that they can't really use their house for living? I asked her why she had piled things up. She told me that she was seeing a therapist about it. She knows that she probably likes collecting things because she didn't have anything when she was a kid. She has promised not to go shopping for anything new. I want to visit my mother. I miss her. How can I help her with this? Is it even possible to help her since I am so far away? I really want her to clean it up. I am her only child, and I don't want to be left with it some day in the future.
As for staying with my dad, I have never asked my father for anything other than coming to my wedding, which he said no because he is terrified to fly. When I asked him if we could stay with him and my step-mother, they both seemed genuinly happy to let us visit them. There are two small problems though. I am terrified of his dog. The last few times I saw him, his dog really didn't like me. I like animals, but I am definitely more of a cat person. My son also doesn't really like dogs. I am sure that my father would keep his dog away from us. I am worried if it where to sneak into the house.
Also through one of our conversations, I found out that my father owns several handguns. I don't know how I feel about that. Guns are not sold in Japan. Only some police officers, military, and mafia have them. Gun safety concerns are not an issue here. Plus, when I was a kid my father owned several hunting rifles. The last night that my parents and I were together under one roof, my parents had this huge argument. I was supposed to be in bed asleep, but their arguing had woken me up. When I ventured down the hallway, I could see my father sitting at the kitchen table cleaning his rifles. My mother was out of my sight, near the kitchen sink. My father picked up one of his rifles and pointed it in the direction where my mother was standing. I heard her scream at him and she mentioned my name. She did not see me there, but my father might have. It looked as if he had looked down the hallway, seen me, and put his rifle down on the table before leaving the house through the back door. I ran down the hall to my room and pretended to be asleep. My mother came in later, packed a bag, and drove me to my grandparents home. The next day, she told me that she would get divorced from my dad. My mother has mentioned this story to me, not knowing that I already knew about it. My father has never mentioned it. I don't think he ever will. So I am reluctant to stay with my dad knowing there are guns in his house. I don't want to bring up the fact that I remember the night my parents parted ways. It has taken so long for me to get to the point of having any kind of relationship with him. I just don't want to go there. I would much rather tackle my mother's problem.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? I do love both my parents. Part of the reason I am in Japan now is that I wanted so far away from all the drama I grew up with. But as I get older, I regret not having spent more time with them too. I just want to make sure that my son is safe when he meets his grandparents. My husband keeps saying that my son and I should just go back and spend a month helping my mother clean. But I think it would take much longer than a month, and where would we sleep? I don't want my son to get hurt because the piles are taller than he is. I really don't like the idea of my son being in a house with guns either. I don't even know where to begin to teach a 5 year old about gun safety. Like I said before, there are no guns here in Japan in normal homes.
If you have any good advice, please point me in a good direction.
ETA: Yes, I have had counselling on my parents divorce. I have also lived in Japan much longer than 8 years. I was much younger when I first came here. As for the dog, it has growled at me and tried to bite me in the past when I was talking with my dad or when I got too close to him. I don't think the breed is particularly aggressive. I like dogs and had some as pets when I was a kid. I just prefer cats. My son hasn't really been around dogs much, except for one in our building that growls everytime it sees us in the halls.
My mother does clean herself. She just takes sponge baths. Her neighbor watches over her a little, so I know that her physical health is ok. Mental health is a concern. She has told me she doesn't like the way the house is. She does keep her mail organized, and isn't behind in bills. She also doesn't cook. She has never really cooked. She eats at her workplace cafeteria or at restaurants. As for me saying that one reason I live so far away was to escape the drama, that isn't my main reason for living far away.
I may have left many years ago with that being one reason, but I found better reasons to stay here. I have offered to pay for my mother to visit us here, but she doesn't want to take time from work. Plus, I know my father will never come here. I know through my step-mother that my father suffered depression over how he handled our relationship when I was a kid. I am just worried that bringing up that I remember the rifle and argument would cause him further pain. I don't like guns because they take me back to that terrible memory. I am sure that other people don't like guns for less of a reason. I asked because I honestly want to help my mother. I want to spend time with my parents. I want to have a relationship with my father. He was the one that pushed me away. I forgave him many times. I was the one that reached out to him time and time again. After years, we are finally in a pretty decent place in our relationship. I can laugh with him. I just don't want to lose that.
It costs a lot of money to fly half way around the world. Budgets are tight, so staying with family would be ideal. My mother doesn't speak with her brother. Another long story. So, not really any other family I could stay with while visiting. I won't put my son in a dangerous position, and I think staying with my mother is out of the question. But I want to help her. She told me to follow my dreams. My dreams just led me farther than I thought they would. I don't feel like I abandoned her. I just hate that Japan and Indiana are so far apart, and that it costs so much money to even think about visiting. Is it so unusual to be concerned about money with the current world economy the way it is?
Thank you so much for answering my complex post. I had no idea what to even call my mother's condition. I checked out the link on TLC about hoarding. Some of those houses are just unbelievable. I will say that my mother was at least neat about her stuff the last time I saw it. She had them all in plastic containers, but still piled high. I few things were on top of the containers, but no empty food containers, or piles of newspapers. She does throw out the newspapers on a regular basis. I know that her mail is organized. She has so many books. I was wondering if something like a kindle would help her to part with the books. That being said, she only had small pathways to move through certain rooms. She has told me that her bed is clear, and she has the sofa and one chair clear in the living room.
I won't take my son to my mother's house knowing what I know. As for my father, Dawn really hit something I was worried about. I do think that my father has changed his ways. We talked a little about the guns. He said that he stores his guns and the ammunition separately. I asked him why he owned guns. His answer was that he wanted to be able to defend himself if someone broke into his home. But I just can't trust having guns in the home.
I know that I can't change who my parents are. I just wanted to try to understand them a little better. I will do some research on hoarding. I know that my mom isn't happy with living with all the stuff. Her neighbor has helped her quite a bit. I just don't quite know how to talk with her about it.
My son and husband mean everythingto me. I will not put them in any danger. I will try to ask my mother to visit us here. She did come once when we got married. Sending her the money for one plane ticket is much cheaper than the three of us going to my parents. I like the idea of meeting up somewhere like Disney Land perhaps someday. I know I will never have that picture perfect Hallmark greeting card kind of family. But I do love them despite all the dysfunction. However, I don't want my son to go through any of that. I will try to see if my mother's neighbor can fill me in on how my mother is. My father has filled me in a little. Yes, my father and mother are friends again. My step-mother and mother get along nicely. I am aware that my family is very different. Anyway, thanks so much for the advice.
You have to go. You've been avoiding it for too long. Personally, I would not go for a month--that is way too long.
You may need to do as one mama said and seek professional help. There are a lot of issues here with this. But, for a quick reply--go and get a hotel room
Go, visit your family, and stay in an inexpensive hotel. There are long-term stay hotels that charge less per night the longer you stay.
Don't think you can go and 'fix' your mom during your visit. She's right that her problem is not about a messy house, it's a psychological issue. The best you can do with that, in my opinion, is make sure she's seeing a therapist.
So I say go, visit, and accept your parents for who they are. This may mean planning lots of activities with them away from their houses (eg, at parks, playgrounds, restaurants, etc), and that's ok.
honey, don't visit, you seem to have an idea in your head like a hallmark commercial. That is not what is going to happen.
hoarders don't get better and clean stuff up, and I wouldnlt stay with a scary dog and guns with a father you can't really trust.
keep your son safe and stay in japan.
Do not go to your mom's for a month to help her clean! And for heaven's sake, if you DO go to help her -- do not take your son. (Which means, considering the distances involved, that you will not go at all.) Her home sounds unsafe and unsanitary -- not because she's a bad person but because (I suspect) she may be a hoarder, or may be having serious financial troubles, or is having age-related issues (dementia onset?) that mean she does not realize she needs to bathe.
ALL those things are not on you, but you are right to worry. You live half the world away. Can you contact anyone at all (who is NOT your dad) like an aunt, cousing, sibling, anyone who can start to come to her and see if she is healthy physically and mentally? I am not talking about asking someone to come clean; I'm talking about getting someone to see if she is perhaps becoming less able to handle her life. Are her bills piling up unopened? That would be a very bad sign. Does she let newspapers or other mail pile up? Does she leave food out? Does she even feed herself adequately? You need eyes on the situation but right now they cannot be yours.
Contact social services for her city or town and explain that you are overseas and have concerns. Ask them what services are available for the elderly and whether you can work with them via phone and e-mail to help her, check on her, whatever. Only you know whether she would find help to be a relief or would be insulted. You do need to involve her, but how -- that's the tough question because you are not there. That's why having someone present would help both you and her. If there's no family -- is she active in a church or other place of worship? Does she have friends her own age, or participate in any activities outside her home? Can you enlist anyone from such groups?
For yourself -- there is a ton in this one post. It starts out with concern about her house and ends up in a lot of other deep places about your childhood. First and foremost, have you ever gotten any therapy or counseling to help you explore your childhood and past? Please do though it may be difficult to get it in Japan if there are language issues involved.But you need to sort through some serious stuff in your past, especially the fact you admit that one reason you live so far away is to escape that past.
Do not take your son to your dad's. A toddler in a house with guns and a dog you don't trust? Thats a recipe for disaster.
Your mother is a hoarder and your father may have some anger issues, as well as an aggressive dog.
If budget was less of a concern, I would say (like most folks would) that you should stay in a hotel and plan other visits/activities while in the States.
You haven't seen your parents in years, nor do you speak with them regularly. They are essentially strangers, so staying with either for an extended period would be odd.
Put more $$ away and visit when you can fly there and stay in a hotel. You will need your space as well as a clean and safe place to sleep and get away from the drama that is likely to occur.
I am so sorry D.. I know you would love to see your parents but seeing them and changing them are two different things.
Your mother is a hoarder. My mil is a hoarder, just not quite as bad. Like your mom, she had a very poor upbringing but that's not the whole problem. It is a psychological problem. It's great that she is seeing a counselor, most don't. With time and counseling your mom might get better but for the most part if you spent that month cleaning with her, it would only be a temporary fix. It's how she deals with stress and loss. I have no doubt she would love to see you but not to have you "fix" her. You would need to count on staying somewhere else for your family's health. There is often mold or animals like mice making their nests in the mess. If she is a clean hoarder like my mil then I bet she stll doesn't really know what's in there and there could be medicines or other things that your son doesn't need to be exposed to. If you do come, try to go to a counseling session with your mom.
I know you are uncomfortable around your father but if I were you I might take this time to get to know him. My FIL had lots of guns and my kids knew they were not allowed to touch them. At 5, I think your son could understand and follow that rule. You would have to be open to telling your father how scared you are of his dog and the guns. I bet they could find arrangements for the dog and hide all the guns. You were traumatized by the way your parents parted ways and with good reason. Has He changed? Is he in any way violent? That would be a deal breaker.
I think you can come but not with the expectation of changing your mom. Just the expectation of loving your parents.
It's clearly very complicated but why in the world would your precious child to this unhealthy situation? Your first instinct to move far far away seems like the right one. You are mourning a life you dint have, won't have. I know. I confronted this issue myself. Please don't get codependent and drawn into this with people who don't even call you. Children can benefit from other older people in their lives besides a bio grandparent. Stay where you are. Protect yourself. Your family is the one you have made for yourself. I think some additional time with your therapist can help you trust yourself. Many blessings.
Dear D.,
I highly recommend that you print off your above post and return for a few counseling session and bey VERY open to what the therapist has to tell you.
Your mother has deep psychological issues. Go and google 'Hoarders' or 'Hoarding'. It is a nearly impossible psychological disorder to treat. And by exposing yourself to it and dreaming and wishing it were different and thinking you can help somehow, is honestly joining in her distorted reality.
Accept how she lives. It would be cheaper for you to fly your mother round trip every other year, then for you family to visit the States.
If you come to the states, go somewhere fun like Disneyland and Yosemite or the Grand Canyon and tell when and where you will be and please come see us. But stay away from her pit of despair.
I didn't even read about your dad - yet. I'll attempt to digest part two of your family later.
I don't know that I have good advice, but what I HEAR is a LOT of excuses. Your Mom always has excuses why you can't visit. Your Dad has excuses why he can't visit you. You have excuses why you can't visit them. I get it. Your Mom's a hoarder. That's her problem and you live across the globe. Not a whole lot you can do about that. So stay in a hotel when you visit. You don't like your Dad's dog or his guns. Sorry, but that's your problem, not his. So stay in a hotel when you visit.
I'm not really sure what kind of advice you're seeking. Do you want us to tell you your Mom and Dad are wrong and you are right? They are adults, living their lives. You miss them. You will either make it happen or you won't. You haven't seen them in five years, don't come back now and try to change them. Visit with them, love them, spend time with them. That's all you can and should be worrying about.
My grandmother had hoarding issues. If your mother is a hoarder, a month long visit will not help her. You'll try to clean. She will get upset and anxious. She'll cry. Most likely, she simply won't let you in the house. It's sad and it's frustrating, but it is a form of mental illness. IF she lets you clean, the minute you leave, she will revert back to her old ways. So I would say that is not an option. You need some time with your mother, to make sure she is able to take care of herself. You may have some difficult decisions to make. Is she a hoarder or is she suffering from dementia.
Talk to your dad about securing the dog and the guns. I imagine for a short period of time he can compromise with you on these issues. Do you just not like the dog or is he truly aggressive? An aggressive breed perhaps? I ask, because those questions will probably affect your final decision.
If it were me? I'd probably make alternative plans. Spend a week with your dad. Another week with a relative or a friend and a week in a hotel. This will help with some of the costs. It will give you time with "everyone" and you won't be stressed for an entire month.
If it were me I would save my money and go visit my parents (with my son) once a year. I would stay in a hotel and meet one or both of them each day at some place, a park, museum, etc. I'd spend a week visiting each day and eating together in restaurants and then I'd fly home. You probably cannot change your mom but you should encourage her to learn about hoarders and offer to help her get rid of stuff. Encourage her to keep seeing her therapist....it's good she is doing that. If one year you cannot do this then I would offer to buy my mom a ticket to come visit in Japan.
Could you offer to fly your mother to you? Show her your home and your life. You can at some point in the trip tell her you are very concerned about her health and safety and see if she is receptive to help. Hoarders do not change until they are ready, but you can keep the door open to help her when she is ready.
I live abroad (my family lives in Europe) so I understand where you are coming from.
There are two issues to this (well maybe three): one is that you miss having a "real" relationship with your parents as grandparents for your child (the way you had with your grandparents). I think that is a dream you need to let go of. It is hard, but when you don't see each other on a regular basis, that closeness will just not be there. Not even if you went to visit every year (we do). They will have a relationship, but it will not be what you wish for. Sorry. That is part of deciding to move so far away from family - it sucks, but it's inevitable.
Second your mom is a horder. She needs more than help cleaning up, she needs therapy to address her hording. If you have siblings, relatives or if she has a good friend that can help her get some help that would be great - but she needs to WANT to stop hording. You are right to be concerned, but realistically there is not much you can do.
Third is the financial aspect. I know how expensive it is to fly such distance, so I as well usually stay with my mom. However I don't think that is a safe option for you to stay with your dad or your mom. I still have plenty of friends who regularly offer for me to stay there, if you still have friends or other relatives at your childhood home, maybe it's time to call in a favor. Or if you save up for it a hotel...
It's rough... but I am assuming just like me, you are getting used to it.
Good luck!
I'd go for maybe two weeks and stay in a hotel. You can find some that are clean and not very expensive. Also, negotiate a rate since you will be there for more than a day or two.
Your mom is a hoarder. Go to TLC.com and view some of the show "Hoarders" online. It's dangerous to even be in her house. And there is really not much you can do in a few weeks to change that. If you try to, she will resent you for it.
Good luck.
I just would not go unless I could stay with someone else or in a hotel. It is not fair to expose your son to that.
You are obviously living in a different culture. Most homes have guns of some sort in their possession in America. Tons of people hunt, lots have hand guns for protection, etc...we honestly don't know anyone who doesn't have at least 1 gun in their home.
We have lived slightly out in the country for some time, at the edge of town not out in the boonies, and we don't go mow without a rifle across our lap to shoot a snake or skunk, or perhaps a bobcat or some critter that is not one we want the kids to be around or to get pissed off at us for the noise...lol.
Guns are not a big deal to most of us. BUT in your case you saw a man take a gun and point it at your mother. You have a valid reason for not liking them and not trusting him around you with them.
So staying with him is going to be stressful.
As for mom, she's not mentally well sweetie. A hoarder is one of those things that is becoming a new issue that a lot of people would just blow off as a quirk or old age thing. It's a real mental illness that has to be dealt with by a professional and a lot of long "retraining" of their brain.
Even if you came to America and stayed 3 months with her, got through everything and made her life style/home perfect it would be back to the hoarding state within a few weeks. She can't help it, only therapy and fixing the core issue can make her stop this. She can't be coerced into changing. She has to get to the root of her obsession and she has to fix that issue.
So staying with her is out of the question. Besides, do you really want your child to see that kind of lifestyle and have that mental picture of how grandma lives in his mind the rest of his life???? Of course not.
You are going to have to budget for staying in a cheap hotel. Even something crappy and super cheap because at least it would have running hot water and a place that hopefully would be cleaner than mom's house and less dog lived in than dads. I know when we go to a big city there are places that are hundreds per night and the ones that are $29.95 per night. There are some in between that are quite livable.
You can come to America and visit. Just do it the right way. Budget for the tickets and hotel bill and eating out at least 50% of the time. I would put back every penny I could so that I would have enough money to enjoy the trips.
D., I feel so sorry for you, but I don't think that you can actually stay with either parent when you visit the US. You need to stay in a hotel and meet with your parents in locations other than their homes. If your mother doesn't want to come to your hotel or to a restaurant, show up at her office before quitting time and go to dinner with her. Meet your father at a restaurant as well.
Your mother is a hoarder and you cannot bring your child anywhere near that house. Your father has guns in his house and he doesn't secure them. He frightened your mother with his guns so badly that she left with you and never looked back. It is bad enough that you dealt with this as a child. You cannot put your own child through it.
I'm sorry that your son will not have real grandparents in his life. I hope maybe your husband's parents are there for your son. The thing is, it isn't just drama you left in order to avoid. It's dysfunction - that's the crux of it. And their dysfunction is something you cannot expose your child to.
Dawn
I would visit, and I would get a hotel room. If you're concerned about your son, either with the guns or with the clutter (sounds like your mom may be a hoarder and need professional help), then having somewhere to go back to would likely make you feel better. You might want to ask around for a condo rental for a month. I was surprised to find that sometimes apartments and condos can be rented for less than a hotel room, and with a kitchen and all, too. We rented two in the UK and I would gladly do it again.
I would tell your DH that 1. it shouldn't be a 5 yr old's job to clean his grandmother's house and 2. that if she is indeed a hoarder, it's not an issue of clean. It's a mental illness.
